I saw your request for a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" - please note that these are just my opinions and you should disregard any opinions/comments that don't work for you.
Your prologue was very much an explanation, providing the reader with background information that will help them understand more of the coming story. I found it quite difficult to read though. At the beginning you explained things in very simple terms directly to the reader, then you had some characters explain things to each other. But those characters weren't given any substance or personality - it was clear that they were just a tool to explain more things. It even seemed like the things they were explaining to each other were common knowledge in their world and I was left thinking 'Why is he telling him all of that? Surely he already knows it, even if I (the reader) don't?'
I'm not sure who your intended audience is, and that makes it a little hard to work out the best way to advise you on potential corrections. I highly doubt that I am your intended audience, being a woman in my 30s, but I'll do my best to help anyway.
In the year 1094 S.E, there was once a peaceful green and rich land called Mana. In this land there resided humans and magical creatures living together in peace. In one kingdom in particular because of their bond with the spirits, people throughout the land respected the citizens of Spiritus. The people worked and lived respecting these spirits that dwelled in their land as Gods.
My first thought was that this is written very simply. I felt you could combine some of the sentences and still convey the same information.
Like, maybe 'In the land of Mana, where people and magical creatures live together in peace, the citizens of Spiritus are unique. They rever the spirits that dwell in their kingdom and are respected in turn, and over time this relationship has developed into a formal religion.'
My suggestion is that you read your original words and then read mine and see what the difference is. Probably the right words for your story lie somewhere between yours and mine. All I am offering is an example of another way to say the same thing, but only you will know what fits best with your story. Do bear in mind though that you do not need to tell the reader EVERYTHING. It is important that YOU know everything, but some information can be shared over the rest of the story, some can be assumed, and some will just dictate the action or the way characters behave without the reader ever knowing the specifics.
Through the rest of your prologue, I would suggest fleshing out your characters (eg the King, Luzius and Pulites). Give them gestures and facial expressions. Give them surroundings and action. Write this story as if it is almost a complete story in its own right. Grab the reader's attention and then keep it. And make sure they're not explaining common knowledge to each other. They can complain and moan to each other, or argue with each other over the merits of different decisions/actions, but it is unlikely they will just randomly explain things to each other. Perhaps one person is confused by how the decision will affect them or change the situation and the other character can then explain. I suppose what I'm trying to say (in a long-winded way!) is they need a REASON to explain things. That the reader needs to know is not enough.
"No! The only reason we have started this battle was to save our land... we are not in search of needless conflict." The King said with a malicious look on his face.
I would suggest that 'malicious' isn't the right word for that sentence. He is doing the right thing, for the right reasons and is hardly being cruel or evil. Perhaps 'determined' or 'resolute' might work better?
Also, 'the King said' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue before it, so it doesn't need a capital letter on 'the'.
"Yes, Sire! Please forgive my rudeness..." said the Clergyman, pleading for forgiveness.
We can tell that he is pleading for forgiveness because he says 'please forgive my rudeness', so you don't need to tell us again. You could perhaps write instead 'backing away, bowing' or something to give us some further knowledge of how repentant he is.
Okay, moving on to Chapter One.
During a sunny day in the Slums, even with the dark clouds of dirt in the air, the sun shone brightly. It glistened the sky and raising the tensions of the people. Their hearts were lifted as they progressed through the day, working hard and honestly in the quiet streets.
When suddenly a shattering and crashing noise erupts from a store next to the market.
I would suggest that you put the action first, to grab our attention, then follow through with descriptions. You could do something like 'A sudden crashing noise erupted from a store next to the market, shattering the pleasant atmosphere of a sunny day in the Slums.' We don't need to know about the smog yet, we want to find out what has happened. What crashed? Tell us more! You can add depth of detail and scenery later when we're caught up in the story, or weave little details in here and there, as I did above.
I liked the characters of Triston and Reyna. Triston seems to be a fairly typical young boy - boisterous, loud and clumsy but full of general good humour. Reyna is clearly a tomboy but whether that is from circumstance or choice, I'm not sure yet. Her character is the most intriguing and compelling of the two, as far as I'm concerned, but then, I'm a female reader and therefore am more likely to connect with a female character (generally speaking). Other readers might identify more with Triston and be cheering for him to triumph. Both come across as good characters that you (as the author) are well-familiar with. Well done.
Are you mad that I kicked your ass?" Reyna remarked as she looked down at him smirking.
That's a great introductory line for Reyna - tells us a lot about her character and personality in just a few words.
One thing that I've noticed you do a lot is divide sentences up in to smaller sentences that no longer make sense. Let me give you an example.
He fixed his black gold-plated headband, which was covered in dirt. It was a special present given to him by his father. She watched him, feeling sorry for him, he was such a mess, she always made fun of his lack of appearance from his short dark red hair, which only reached to the back of his neck, to his tanned skin. He was even shorter than the rest of the boys his age. The only thing he had going for him was that he was a bit muscular and strong. Compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin. She also had large purple eyes and long hair, always in a pretty ponytail, which flowed all the way down her back, it made her stand out a lot. She pitied him, but mostly she pitied herself since she was wearing the same outfit, as the boy. A worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes. She thought, sighing with disappointment.
Taken on its own, the sentence 'Compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin' makes no sense. It sounds likes she is comparing herself to herself. Um, what? But if you combine it with the previous sentence, it makes a lot more sense. 'The only thing he had going for him was that he was a bit muscular and strong compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin.' Although the comment on her fair skin doesn't really belong in that sentence, the rest of it makes a lot more sense when combined. Don't you think?
Here's another example. You have a sentence which says 'A worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes.' Well, what about them? This sentence contains these items but tells us nothing about them. It needs to be added to another sentence. 'She pitied him, but mostly she pitied herself since she was wearing the same outfit as the boy - a worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes.' Do you see what I mean?
The last sentence doesn't make much sense either as it currently stands. 'She thought, sighing with disappointment.' She thought what? What was she disappointed about? I tried merging this sentence with the two previous ones, but it doesn't quite work. You could leave out this sentence altogether, or you can add to it and make it more complete, like 'The thought of her tattered outfit had her sighing with disappointment.' Anyway, have a read through and see if you can spot more examples where you have broken up sentences in to smaller mini-sentences that need joining together. I'm sure there are more, but on the bright side, they will be easy to fix. Mostly the information is all there, you just need to join the sentences back together.
Another thing you do (which is VERY common and I'm constantly pointing it out in reviews ) is that you put a full stop after dialogue when the sentence continues.
Knights are warriors and masters of the sword." he shouted angrily.
"Whatever, listen the only important thing about being a Knight is victory." she lectured him.
"WHAT! The bloody hell is going on." A voice shouted from outside the shop
After the dialogue, you have then written 'he shouted' or 'she lectured' or 'a voice shouted'. Those things are a continuation of the sentence, so you need a comma after your dialogue, not a full stop.
Also, in that last example, you have broken 'What the bloody hell is going on' in to two sentences when it should be just one. You can write 'what' in capitals to emphasis the volume on it, but you need to remove the exclamation mark and use a lower case letter for the next word. And where the speaker is asking a question, use a question mark at the end of the dialogue instead of a full stop or comma (even where the sentence continues).
Take a look through all your dialogue and see if they use the right punctuation. Like I said, this is a very common mistake, but again, it's an easy fix.
He was a large, hairy, balding old man, with a messy and dirty beard. He always reeked of alcohol and sweat.
Excellent description! He sounds revolting!
I wouldn't explain Sol Gliders to the reader. Just add in details where they fit and otherwise leave them to our imagination. Currently your explanation breaks up the action scene and you don't want that. If you remove the sentence 'Gliders were thin magic circular tablet that uses the spirit energy from the land and energy from the sun to power it', your action scene flows much more smoothly.
They increased their speed, using their weight to maneuver the Sol Gliders through the street. They dived on the ground and started crouching and crawling, camouflaging themselves in the crowd.
When they noticed that Felix unleashed his Spirit Wolves, which were used by the Knights to track down enemies.
This is another example of an incomplete sentence. When they noticed that he'd releashed his wolves....what happened? 'When they noticed that Felix unleashed his Spirit Wolves, which were used by the Knights to track down enemies, they both panicked.' Or something. Otherwise you could remove the word 'when' from the beginning of the sentence, so that they just noticed the release of the spirit wolves.
Suddenly it popped it's head out of the dust cloud, right in between both Triston and Reyna's face. Their faces turned pale, their hearts stopped, at that moment, they knew, they knew that it was the end.
"I... found... you. Ankle Biters..." It said with a sadistic grin on it's face.
I can appreciate that you are creating a 'cliffhanger' ending to your chapter here, making the reader wonder what horror has emerged from the dust to face the two kids. However, you've gone from referring to Felix by name to suddenly calling him 'it'. It doesn't make sense to the reader. Simply being caught by Felix could be your cliffhanger, or, I think if Triston and Reyna came face-to-face with a spirit wolf and the reader has no idea what level of danger they face, that would be a good note to finish on.
Your chapters are very short. If the audience you are aiming for is children, this may be suitable, but your chapters are all less than 1,000 words. I can't tell you how long a chapter should be, but just to give you a different view, in my novel that I'm working on (which is aimed at children 7-13yo) my first chapter is 3,000 words and my second is 2,400 words. Your first and second chapters could easily be combined. Your third one has a different feel/mood/theme to it and might work better as a seperate chapter, but I'd then continue to add on to chapter 3 until it is of a similar length to the combined one. Of course, you can leave them as they are. I have no experience in writing, publishing or selling children's books, I'm just giving you my personal opinion.
Chapter two has a lot of dialogue without much description or detail. I think it would greatly enhance the story if you gave us more descriptions of the people, the facial expressions, the body language, the surroundings, etc.
Same for chapter 3, although this does have more description. I particularly liked chapter 3 - I felt the story really started moving forward and I felt a real threat to Triston and Reyna as the primary characters. You did well in sharing a sense of impending doom as the chapter continues.
You have the basics of a really great story. I can tell that you have put a lot of thought in to it, and you can probably sit down and talk for hours about all the details of the world you have created. Now the trick is to share those details with us, without sacrificing the flow and action.
I can recommend that you try some of the activities that have been set up to help the participants of National Novel Writing Month - even though you're not doing the challenge, you will find the activities really helpful I think.
I'm working through the activities at the moment (I'm doing the challenge) and they are so useful. Even though it is intended that nothing you write while completing those activities actually ends up in the final story, they are designed to help you describe different characters, settings and events seperately and get an individual feel for them. I get the impression you have a good, detailed idea of what your Kingdom looks like, but have you ever tried to write a detailed description of it? What does it smell like? What does it feel like? What noises can you hear there? You can weave these little details in to your story and make the setting come alive for your readers. Same with your characters. What does Reyna's mother look like? What does Tristan's father sound like? You don't have to do the activities (I would certainly never know if you didn't!) but I think you might find them helpful. I do!
I hope my comments have been helpful. While it probably feels like I've said 'Great story if it was written completely differently!', that's not what I'm trying to say at all. Mostly it's a punctuation issue, and then just adding more details for your reader. I think you've got a great plot and your characters (Triston, Reyna and Felix so far) are brilliant. DON'T GIVE UP! A little polishing and this will really shine.
If you want another set of eyes to look over it after you've revised it, do come back to the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" and ask for another opinion.
Thanks for sharing your work with me.
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC!" group
Image #1895435 over display limit. -?-