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Review Requests: OFF
531 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I generally give an overview of the item, then point out any corrections, suggestions or highlight favourite lines. I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang and a captain of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. See my reviews below for examples.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and catching typos, spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.
Favorite Genres
Romance, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


This is my review as judge of the "CLASH! Original Character Tournament.

The first thing I noticed is that you ‘tell’ the reader a lot of information, instead of ‘showing’. This is something that a lot of authors struggle with, including me. I’m doing a course at "New Horizons Academy at the moment and I’m learning about ‘showing instead of telling’ and also ‘passive voice’ – both are things I struggle with, and both are used heavily in this item of yours. You do have moments where you ‘show’ us.
An example of telling:
*Cut*She goes to Blanket and cuts him loose from his binds with the sharp dagger she owns, and saddles him up again.*Cut*
An example of showing:
*Cut*Besa startles, jumping to her feet and whipping around to see Heavy drawing out a sword, slashing the offending air as he approaches her as quickly as his stumpy legs will allow.*Cut*

It’s hard to explain (because I’m not a teacher!) but you’ve said ‘she goes to Blanket’.
How did she go? Did she stalk to Blanket? Did she scurry to Blanket? 'Goes’ is a passive verb. Yes, she went, but how? Use a more descriptive verb. An ‘active’ verb.
‘She raced to Blanket’.
Instead of ‘and cuts him loose from his binds with the sharp dagger she owns’, you could say something like ‘she withdrew her dagger and sliced the bonds holding him tight’. Same action, different voice – one is telling, one is showing.
Like I said, this is very much a learning area for me too, so please take my comments in respect of one writer to another. When you do ‘show’, you do it very well, as evidenced by the excerpt above. There are moments of brilliance in your writing. You definitely have the potential to make all your writing come alive like that.

I loved the fact that you put Besa into conflict and allowed us to witness her at her best and worst in this short item. I also really appreciated the fact that Besa fought not for herself, but for her son. That’s a more powerful motivator.

Thanks so much for entering, I enjoyed reading your entry.

Elle


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152
152
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi, this is my review as a judge of the "CLASH! Original Character Tournament.

I like the fact that I can visualise your character physically, I have a good idea of her temperament and character, and also an idea of her skills. Excellent work. BUT I am most impressed that you have given her realistic weaknesses.

You’ve gone into brilliant detail – she doesn’t just have olive skin, she has olive skin from soaking up the sun atop the merchant’s caravan. That really helps us picture her.

I was actually sad when I read that her son was fatally ill! That’s how much you have gained my empathy for this character!

Thanks for entering, and congrats on making it through to round one!

Elle


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153
153
Review of Spring / Acrostic  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers


This item is being reviewed as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group SPRING raid!

This is a neat little acrostic, which manages to cover a few different aspects of spring. There's the sunshine, the stormy weather and the extended daylight... I'm curious what fireworks you let off at picnics. What are the fireworks celebrating? I'm familiar with Guy Fawkes, which is in Spring if you're in the Southern Hemisphere. I'm in New Zealand, and we celebrate Guy Fawkes in Spring, so it works for me!

There are no corrections or changes required to this, and you've done a great job with it. The only problem (if it can be called that) is with the presentation. Currently you have the title, your username, a space, then the title again, then the acrostic. I would put the title, a space, then the acrostic. I'd also consider using a colour for the title, if not the acrostic itself. If you do something like {c:magenta} before the title and {/c} afterwards, you'll get this beautiful colour I'm using now. If you want other colours, there is an icon (looks a bit like a square rainbow) above the text box when you edit the item or create it, and if you click on that it brings up all the possible colours you can use. Just hover your mouse over one to see what word you need to use, then just do {c:colour} where you want the colour to start and {/c} afterwards to stop using that colour. You could use
{c:pink} or maybe {c:hotpink} or any colour that appeals to you. *Smile*
Another suggestion would be to center the whole thing, including the title. You can do that by typing {center} at the beginning and {/center} at the end.

Those are just my suggestions, you certainly don't have to use them. The actual acrostic is well done and I enjoyed reading it. *Smile*
Elle


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154
154
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers


This item is being reviewed as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group SPRING raid!

I was drawn to read this by that first line that you so cleverly used in your intro.
*Cut*Glimpsed through naked branches the memory of you in Springtime wavers.*Cut*
My imagination was immediately captured. I could suggest a comma after branches though. *Smile*

*Cut*May in the year I turned 11, the year I dreamed of living in Tennessee and following Thor Heyerdahl around the world. In December I sang "Stille Nacht" in class ...in German.
The year you turned 11 too, before the leaves turned yellow in September.*Cut*

I think these lines could use a little reworking to bring them up to the same standard as the rest of your lines in this piece. They are right near the beginning, and I hate to think that people might form a poor first impression of this piece when the remaining lines are so well done.
I'm trying to think of suggestions for you. The part that bothers me is the 'in the year I turned 11' and The year you turned 11 too', because they don't seem to hold any imagery or emotion or.... They're just facts, and they stand out. Could they be restated in a more emotional way, or told in a less factual way?
I'm trying desperately to come up with a suggestion, so how about this:
'Glimpsed through naked branches, the memory of you in Springtime wavers. That was the year I dreamed of living in Tennessee and following Thor Heyerdahl around the world. I sang 'Stille Nacht' in class that December...in German. And you turned eleven, before the leaves turned yellow, in September.'
Have a play with it, and see what works for you. If you change nothing else, I would suggest writing the number 11 as 'eleven'.

*Cut*I had nothing to offer and even looking back through the kind eyes of time ...I had nothing to offer.*Cut*
I love that line!

*Cut*walked past through quiet snowfall and the quieter fog of May.*Cut*
I love the imagery you've used there too. Quiet snowfall and quieter fog. Beautiful.

*Cut*Their cold bare branches still cast shadows through my thinning hair.*Cut*
That's such an unexpected ending after the talk of turning 11, and yet we're given just enough warning with 'and every November since'. It's a bit of a slap in the face to the reader, but oh, you've done it so well. I wouldn't change it at all.

On the whole, an excellent piece of prose and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
Elle


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Review of Novel Butterfly  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers


This item is being reviewed as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group SPRING review raid!

This poem is beautifully written. Your rhythm is perfect, and the rhyming is excellent. Some might argue that 'spring' technically doesn't perfectly rhyme with 'wing' or 'thing', but they work for me!

The first time I read it through, I stumbled slightly on the line 'Spun within cocoon for sleep' but I reread the poem several times and it worked, so perhaps that was just me!

A wonderful theme of spring, change and reaching full potential - thank you so much for sharing.
Elle


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Review of Poem  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Lace, welcome to WDC! I had a quick look at your bio and see that you're about the same age as me - I'm 33 in March. I'm a mother also (my son is 11yo and my daughter is 7yo) but I live in New Zealand.

Your poem is pretty good, especially if it's your first in a long time. I was like that when I started at WDC - I wrote angsty emotional poems (or humorous ones) as a teenager, then nothing until I joined WDC. So for me, the second verse was my favourite because I nodded and smiled with understanding as I read it. *Smile* The third verse is probably the best poetically speaking - that last line 'I readily concede it' is very good.

I would take out the very beginning bit where you have 'peom #1' above the first line. You've actually spelled poem incorrectly there. If you wanted a title, you could put one (even just Poem) above the first verse, but I would leave a line between the two, and probably make it bold. You can do that by putting {b} before the word and {/b} afterwards. So {b}Poem{/b} looks like: Poem. That might make it look a bit more polished. *Smile*

The rhythm is pretty good and I suspect that any small errors are actually more to do with the difference in our accents than in your rhyming ability.

Great work, and I look forward to seeing you around the site.
Elle


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157
Review of Lasha Thornhook.  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


This is a review from "The Power Review Shop as part of your Nuclear package.

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The first thing I noticed about this piece is that you start off by insulting your readers. It doesn't read like Lasha is talking to a specific third party, it reads like she is talking to the reader. And while I am personally very happy with my family, it is unbelievably insulting to be told
*Cut*I don't give a shit if you were beaten and raped. Honestly, you got off lucky if that's all your daddy did to you.*Cut* I know for a fact that there are people here on WDC that HAVE been raped by family members. While Lasha may not care about hurting and offending them, I think it's better for you as a writer if your readers keep reading after the second sentence! *Smile* I get that Lasha is strong, confrontational and dysfunctional, but I believe you can get that across without insulting your readers.

Remember that these are just my opinions and my suggestions. You can take them or leave them as you choose. I see that you have bought six reviews for this one item, and that's an excellent idea - you can get a broader view, not just one person's opinion. *Smile*

My suggestion would be to take out much of the first and second paragraphs and then leave most of the remainder. I think that way Lasha still comes across with all the force of her personality, but without being as personally insulting to the reader. Here's how I would change it:
I don't care where you came from or who your parents are, my family is worse than yours. I don't give a shit if you were beaten and raped. Honestly, you got off lucky if that's all your daddy did to you. I was raped growing up and it's happened to most of my siblings as well. If that's all that happened to me maybe I wouldn't have to be telling you why my family makes everyone else seem functional.

So yeah, I'm pretty tired of hearing how bad it is for everyone else. I recognize that look, you're thinking wow this girl is really fucked up, listen to what she's saying. Honestly, this is nothing.
Maybe I should start from the beginning. I am the first born of the Thornhook nobles, Lasha Reille Thornhook, and in case you are wondering, no I am not a halfling I am a gnome. If you big folk actually paid any attention you'd know. If I hear any slave joke even murmur from your lips, I'll make sure you know what it's like to be a slave.


After that, it's mostly technical errors that are easy to fix. I do think you need some explanation of why the father was such an awful gnome (especially if you remove the reference to rape as above) because you blame the siblings' issues on him but give no reason for placing the blame on him. You can bring back the reference to rape, by saying that he raped and/or beat his daughters, I would just suggest you don't have Lasha telling the readers she couldn't care less if they've experienced such tragedy or not.

Okay, a few technical errors:

*Cut* I am the first born of the Thornhook nobles, Lasha Reille Thornhook, and in case you are wondering, no I am not a halfling I am a gnome.*Cut*
This sentence needs a comma after no and after halfling.

*Cut* If I hear any slave joke even murmur from your lips, I'll make sure you know what it's like to be a slave.*Cut*
Joke should be plural (jokes) and murmur should be murmured.

*Cut*Oh yes, I have six siblings, three brothers and three sisters.*Cut*
This almost sounds like she has six siblings AND three brothers AND three sisters. Perhaps a dash (-) instead of a comma after siblings would make it clearer.

In the third paragraph, you need a space between your fifth and sixth sentences.

*Cut*Yeah that Kilanna.*Cut*
I would use a comma after yeah.

*Cut*she does it just to spite me too.*Cut*
That sentence needs a capital at the beginning.

In the fourth paragraph, you need a space between your fifteenth and sixteenth sentences.

*Cut*but I'm not going to take her left overs.*Cut*
Leftovers should be one word.

*Cut*She actually calls them her Vassals, like she's some feudal lord or something. Shit, she even calls our butler her Vassal. Our Butler!*Cut*
Vassals, vassal and butler don't need capital letters.

*Cut*it took her months until she stopped, and who knows if it wasn't just because she wasn't talking about the damn dog anymore.*Cut*
This doesn't quite make sense. It took her months to stop talking about the dog, and maybe it was just because she stopped talking about the dog? I think you might need to reword this slightly to make your meaning clearer.

*Cut*Lanni thinks it's because of dad.*Cut*
Dad needs a capital in that sentence because it's being used as a name.

*Cut* It just gets me how dad thinks he can do whatever he wants.*Cut*
Same with this sentence - a capital letter for Dad because it's being used as a name. If you say Dad, you need a capital, if you say my dad, you don't.

*Cut* although. I don't know if he'll ever be able to talk.*Cut*
Although needs a capital, and then it should be a comma and not a full stop before I.

*Cut*Honestly, he' one of the reasons I stay here.*Cut*
You need an s on he's.

*Cut* He's mouthy,*Cut*
That should be a full stop, not a comma.

*Cut*He's always trying to do what's right, even after the amount of times he's gotten beat up because of it.*Cut*
This sentence isn't technically correct, but it suits Lasha's way of talking, so it probably doesn't need correcting.

*Cut*Once, when Lanni and I were out in Morato; we wandered too close to the Slave Market, and he had tried to free the slaves.*Cut*
That should be a comma, not a semi colon after Morato. I think! *Smile*

*Cut*If Lanni hadn't been there to talk the guards*Cut*
There's a missing word there. If Lanni hadn't been there to talk TO the guards...

*Cut*I mean when he finds out what kind of monster our parents are.*Cut*
How can he possibly not know? This needs more explanation.

*Cut*And when I take over; when dad retires and leaves the town to me. I'm going to run it better.*Cut*
Dad needs a capital letter, and these two sentences should be linked, with a comma after 'me'. Otherwise it says 'when I take over'. When you take over, what? It makes a lot more sense if the two sentences are linked.

You obviously have a very clear understanding of this character - her personality comes through in every sentence. Her personality is very strong, very forceful and you manage to convey that to the reader without any doubt. I think if you can fix that top part, and get people reading the whole piece, you'll have a much stronger piece. Maybe not a 'nice' piece, because I don't think Lasha IS nice, but a strong piece.

Elle


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158
158
Review of God's Telephone  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


I found this story in the nominations for best Young Adult/Children's work at "The Quill Awards. I'm not sure what I was expecting...something like the first half of your story, I think.

The first half made me smile - we've all known kids like that, and you made Max so engaging that it was impossible not to love him. I loved the idea of his mum writing his adventures down. Then, wait, what? I was as shocked as his mum when the twist in the story arrived. I gotta be honest, you brought tears to my eyes...and I was reading this on my lunch break at work and that's just plain embarrasing! I loved the way you finished with her starting to write his adventures.

A beautiful work. I am in awe. You say in your bio that 'Most of my readers end up laughing or crying, so I guess that makes me an emotional writer, or something.' I'd have to agree with that, wow, you do it so well. Thanks again for sharing.

Elle


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


I was reading some of the nominations for "The Quill Awards so I could vote for some. Your item was nominated for Comedy. I must confess (shh, don't tell anyone!) that I haven't been doing reviews as I've been reading, but oh, I just couldn't resist with yours.

I am a mother of two children, aged 11 and 7 (boy and girl respectively). I couldn't help but laugh at your story. I just have to share this quick story in return...

Mum: You have to eat all your soup before you can eat your Easter egg. Lunch comes before chocolate.
*some time later*
Miss 6: Mum, he poured some of his soup in my bowl!
Master 10: No, I didn't!
Miss 6 cries, because she doesn't eat big meals and is worried she won't be able to finish all the soup in her bowl and won't get to eat her Easter egg. Master 10 insists he didn't do anything and she's trying to avoid having to eat her lunch first. It takes AN HOUR, including sitting the two (now crying) children in front of each to watch each other cry (we had the idea that the one lying would take pity on the upset one) before we finally find out that Master 10 was lying. He loses his Easter egg for lying (not for the soup incident!). Drama indeed!

So I couldn't help but laugh at your story, and indeed, it inspires me to write my own. I should give it a go. I might achieve what you have, and that is to make some other mother laugh, and know she is not alone.
Thank you for sharing, and you definitely get my vote for best comedy item!
Elle

PS. I didn't notice any errors. If there were any, I was too busy laughing and reading to notice them!


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
WDC Contestants Power Raid


It seems only right that for my 10th 'contestant' review of this raid, I review this group which has been nominated for 'Best Group' in the Quills. If I was judging, you'd win!!

Firstly, everyone is welcome. That is so encouraging to a newbie looking to find acceptance and feeling shy and nervous about joining a group.

Secondly, you guys are so welcoming and full of encouragement. I won't forget who sent me my first merit badge just because I had none!

Thirdly, you keep in touch regularly. The emails don't always have a lot of new information (sometimes just a new member activity we might be interested in), but you touch base, keep us all up to date and we all feel like we know what's going on with the group.

Fourthly - I love the fact that we can review ANYTHING. Yes, there are 'review lists' and there are raid themes, but in the end, it's 100% our choice - nothing is off limits.

Fifthly *Bigsmile*, if we need to disappear for any reason, we are not questioned, we are not penalised, and we are welcomed back with open arms.

I LOVE THIS GROUP, and if I was judging, you'd definitely get my vote for best group on WDC! Thanks for having me!
Elle


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
WDC Contestants Power Raid


I saw your entry at "The Humorous Poetry Contest.

You have excellent rhythm and your poem is enjoyable to read.

*Cut*Reviews are always helpful, thank you one and all.*Cut*
This was the only line where I stumbled. Your poem doesn't rhyme exactly, but I felt that if that line ended in an 'ee' sound, it would read more smoothly. Something like 'Reviews are always helpful, providing clarity', or 'Reviews are always helpful, thank you all from me'. Anyway, have a play with it and see what you think.

Other than that one tiny word, I enjoyed your writing, and yes, I think you are a poet, a good one. Great work, and I look forward to seeing your work round the site.
Elle


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
WDC Contestants Power Raid


I saw your entry at "The Humorous Poetry Contest. Ha ha, many a caffeine addict can relate to this! I prefer my caffeine cold ('Just a Coke Zero please!') but in all other respects, I'm with you on that early morning dash to the store/cafe. *Smile*

I didn't notice any errors.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face, and good luck in the contest.
Elle


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Review of Hi Daddy  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Argh, I made the mistake of reading this on a break at work, and I had to get a tissue because it made me cry! I was sitting here at my desk, tears pooling in my eyes, trying to be really inconspicuous so no one would ask what was wrong!

This is a beautiful, heartfelt, touching tribute to all children who have lost a parent in war. It was unbelievably touching.

*Cut*You said that you would always watch over me no matter what ever happened.*Cut*
I think 'what ever' should probably be 'whatever'.

That was the only error I could find. I wouldn't change even a single word of the rest of it. It is very powerful stuff. I am in awe. *Smile*
Elle


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Jellyfish ,
Firstly, thank you so much for entering the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest run by the "Kiwis on WDC! group. We appreciate your support.

The theme was 'Christmas in Summer' and other than being a static item, there were no other restrictions on length, type or style.

Your poem fit the theme perfectly, describing a Christmas vacation far from England in sunny, summery Portugal. Your poem had excellent rhythm and rhyme. I am curious to know if it a specific type of poem or if you just set it out how you felt it worked best.

I thought the fifth stanza was a little strange and it didn't make a lot of sense to me. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say there. When I reread the poem, I felt that you could easily remove the fifth stanza without any loss to the poem.

The first stanza was my favourite, but I also liked the fourth and sixth stanzas. Overall I enjoyed reading it very much and it was a wonderful entry.

Please remember that I am only one of the four judges and so my opinion only counts for a quarter of the final decision. I wish you all the best in the contest and thank you again for entering.

Elle

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Review of Fourth of July  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi KerrieAnnS ,
Firstly, thank you so much for entering the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest run by the "Kiwis on WDC! group. We appreciate your support.

The theme was 'Christmas in Summer' and other than being a static item, there were no other restrictions on length, type or style.

While your item was interesting and informative, I could not see anywhere that it was about Christmas in summer. It was about a summer celebration, being the Fourth of July, but not about Christmas. For that reason, I cannot recommend it to win a prize in the contest as it does not fit the required theme, but I thank you for entering anyway and will gladly give you a review.

You have a great writing style, and the item has pace and action. You use a lot of descriptive words that allow the reader to imagine the sights and sounds of the fireworks displays. I also like how you describe where your audience sits (in the pool!) and how you set up the show with your sons, and all those little details.

*Cut*Where ass the best spot? The best spot has the Gateway Arch in full view.*Cut*
'Ass' should be 'was'.

*Cut*The finally was massive and everyone knew the show was over.*Cut*
'Finally' should be 'finale'.

Please remember that I am only one of the four judges and so my opinion only counts for a quarter of the final decision. I wish you all the best in the contest and thank you again for entering.

Elle

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Review of A Warm Christmas  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Magoo ,
Firstly, thank you so much for entering the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest run by the "Kiwis on WDC! group. We appreciate your support.

The theme was 'Christmas in Summer' and other than being a static item, there were no other restrictions on length, type or style.

Your poem caught my attention because it wasn't what I was expecting. Instead of celebrating the beauty and difference of Christmas in summer, you were lamenting the lack of snow. It reminded me of that old song 'I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas'. All those things you missed, I've never done. I loved all the details - the children learning to ski, ice fishing, sand trucks and mistletoe. We have none of those things (and it sounds like you don't either now!) so each mention was like a glimpse into another world, a different life.

The poem was very well written, it flowed well and had excellent rhyme and rhythm. The last line was humourous and an excellent finish to the poem.

The only hiccup for me in reading your poem was the rhyme of lawn with gone - but I suspect that might be an accent problem. When I say lawn, it rhymes with storm. And gone rhymes with swan. So lawn and gone don't rhyme, but like I said, I suspect that's an accent issue, so I won't hold it against you. *Smile*

The fourth stanza was my favourite, especially the part about the ice hanging from the eaves.

Please remember that I am only one of the four judges and so my opinion only counts for a quarter of the final decision. I wish you all the best in the contest and thank you again for entering.

Elle

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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Jimmy,
thanks for sharing your demo book. I didn't read the entire thing as I have already read it and reviewed it chapter by chapter, but it was lovely to see it presented as a book.
The illustrations add to the 'completed' feel of the book and I thought some of them were particularly lovely (I liked the one of the two girls hugging on the dock).
I also found the 'About the Author' section a good addition - you look very smart in that picture! It's always nice to have a wee insight into the author.
All in all, great work. I will look forward to hearing that your book has been picked up for publishing. *Smile*

Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest!


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Review of She's So Cute  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Barbie,
I'm reviewing this poem as part of the portfolio raid you won in the "Invalid Item.

This is a very sweet poem that really captures the essence of a small child. I loved the way you tell us that her expressions speak even though she can't. I was imagining what she looked like. Very cute. *Smile*

*Cut*When she sleeps
she grabs ahold
and just won't let go.*Cut*

That brought to mind vivid memories of my own sleeping children when they were little. Very touching.

Overall, it's a wonderful moment captured in the relationship between mother and daughter. If only they stayed that sweet and cute forever! It will be a lovely way to remember her at that adorable age when they have enough personality to capture our hearts but are still so sweet and innocent. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing,
Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest!


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Barbie,
I'm reviewing this poem as part of the portfolio raid you won in the "Invalid Item.

This is a neat acrostic, very uplifting and encouraging.

I liked the variety of words for each line. They range from 12 words to just one, and yet it works really well.

My only small suggestion would be for this line:
*Cut*Goals, both personal and ones assigned by an editor or agent*Cut*
I would have perhaps said 'assigned by others' rather than 'assigned by an editor or agent'. But there is nothing wrong at all with leaving it as it is.

There were lots of favourite lines, and I am finding it too hard to pick just one! Here are my favourites:
*Cut*Original, being okay with your own style and other*Cut*
*Cut*Understanding that your piece doesn't have to beperfect, the first draft*Cut*
*Cut*Errors, finding them all*Cut*

On the whole, I really liked this. It definitely rings true to NaNoWriMo for me! I look forward to seeing it as a C-note with the angel illustration. *Smile*
Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest!


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Review of Un Named Piece  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Barbie,
I'm reviewing this poem as part of the portfolio raid you won in the "Invalid Item.

This is quite a simple poem, but it flows quite well and suggests to the reader that you were watching these workmen traipsing past your window or perhaps working in view, day after day.

I like this line:
*Cut*Rebuild or destroy*Cut*
Great use of words!

*Cut*Old house to new house*Cut*
*Cut*Drill, Hammer, Saw, or Hoe*Cut*
These two lines seem just a little long to fit with the rest of the poem. I would simply suggest removing the last word 'house' from the first line and the word 'hoe' from the second line. A hoe seems a strange tool for workmen to use on a house, but of course it would make sense if they were also doing some landscaping or something. Still, it seemed the easiest word to lose from the line.
It would then read (the first three lines) as:
Old house to new
Rebuild or destroy
Drill, hammer or saw

That's only a suggestion of course, you need to decide what works best for you as the poet. All readers have different opinions and thoughts, and you just need to take what works best for you.

The last three lines work very well and I think you have chosen the line breaks really well. Excellent work.

Thanks for sharing,
Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Summer Christmas Writing Contest!


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Tuesday 13th November. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*WDC POWER REVIEWERS REVIEW RAID PARTY *Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*


I'm reviewing this piece in the hope that some more people will see it. It is definitely worthy of more support.

While I have a few suggestions for improvement, I am giving you 5 stars because a) it's a fantastic idea that is completely selfless and generous and b) because I want others to see those 5 stars and come and check it out. *Smile*

The title really stands out because you have used a different coloured font. My suggestion is to do the same with other important parts, such as the prizes and the finish date. The finish date is most important but it's a little hard to spot at the moment. Colour will also make the item more attractive to look at.

You have all the info that anyone needs - the reason for the contest, what will happen to their entries, the prizes, the finish date, the judging criteria, etc.

I am also pleased that you extended the contest past November, because that will hopefully catch everyone who is currently doing NaNoWriMo (including me!) who are holed up with their novels, and won't emerge until December 1st!

Best of luck with your contest, and I will definitely be back with an entry.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Tuesday 13th November. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*WDC POWER REVIEWERS REVIEW RAID PARTY *Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*


I saw this item advertised under 'Reviewer Items' on the left hand side of my screen and as a Kiwi I was instantly intrigued. Easter at the beach? Must be either an Aussie or a Kiwi! And I was right. *Smile*

I really enjoyed this piece. You have a beautiful writing voice.

*Cut*Spotted white clouds looked like scattered pillows splayed across a bedspread blue sky. The wind was sleepy and remained hidden, in its afternoon nap.*Cut*
Those words are truly pleasurable to read. My mind instantly thinks of warm, sunny, relaxing days.

*Cut*Dozens of people cruised the sand-bordered tide, enjoying the ocean-filled sights, sounds and faces, all whom a White Labrador, loves to greet.*Cut*
I would use lower case letters for 'white labrador' and remove the comma after labrador which isn't necessary.

*Cut*With all these pleasantries, we meandered along path of wet sand, sea glass, and warm penetrating sunshine.*Cut*
It looks like that should be 'a path'.

In your fourth paragraph you've used a capital letter for veterinarian which doesn't need one, and in your fifth paragraph you've used a capital for seagull, which also doesn't need one. Those are the only errors I could spot though.

I really enjoyed reading this. It felt full of wonder and emotion and yet it was nothing so momentous in the big scheme of things - one lone seagull - but you made it in to something beautiful. People will be able to sense the wonder that you felt and share in it.

Beautiful work. Keep it up.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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Review of This damn war  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

This is the last review of your Nuclear package from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

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I found this story easy to read and quite gripping - I definitely wanted to keep on reading and find out what happened. You caught me by surprise in two places and overall I really enjoyed your work.

Technically, I noticed very few errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar.

I thought the battle scene was well written, and it gave an interesting perspective. I don't know if there are many war stories out there written from the perspective of the drummer boy, but I certainly haven't come across one. It was particularly interesting because it wasn't about right or wrong, it didn't tell us what manouvers the army was doing, or anything like that. It was just the noise, the smell, the pain....what we as non-soldiers would identify. Excellent.

*Cut*“This rot they filled had with at school,”*Cut*
I think that should be 'This rot they filled his head with at school'.

*Cut*While he was looking around franticly*Cut*
That should be 'frantically'.

*Cut*His prim and proper sister and picked up some of the soldier’s slang.*Cut*
That should be 'had picked up'. By the way, I liked that sentence. It gave a bit of personality and depth to a minor character.

You did a great job of mixing dialogue with description, action with quiet, pensive moments (is there a word for the opposite of action?!) and generally with writing an excellent story that is easy and a pleasure to read.

Thanks for sharing,
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids


I saw your request for a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - please note that these are just my opinions and you should disregard any opinions/comments that don't work for you.

Your prologue was very much an explanation, providing the reader with background information that will help them understand more of the coming story. I found it quite difficult to read though. At the beginning you explained things in very simple terms directly to the reader, then you had some characters explain things to each other. But those characters weren't given any substance or personality - it was clear that they were just a tool to explain more things. It even seemed like the things they were explaining to each other were common knowledge in their world and I was left thinking 'Why is he telling him all of that? Surely he already knows it, even if I (the reader) don't?'

I'm not sure who your intended audience is, and that makes it a little hard to work out the best way to advise you on potential corrections. I highly doubt that I am your intended audience, being a woman in my 30s, but I'll do my best to help anyway. *Smile*

*Cut*In the year 1094 S.E, there was once a peaceful green and rich land called Mana. In this land there resided humans and magical creatures living together in peace. In one kingdom in particular because of their bond with the spirits, people throughout the land respected the citizens of Spiritus. The people worked and lived respecting these spirits that dwelled in their land as Gods.*Cut*
My first thought was that this is written very simply. I felt you could combine some of the sentences and still convey the same information.
Like, maybe 'In the land of Mana, where people and magical creatures live together in peace, the citizens of Spiritus are unique. They rever the spirits that dwell in their kingdom and are respected in turn, and over time this relationship has developed into a formal religion.'
My suggestion is that you read your original words and then read mine and see what the difference is. Probably the right words for your story lie somewhere between yours and mine. All I am offering is an example of another way to say the same thing, but only you will know what fits best with your story. Do bear in mind though that you do not need to tell the reader EVERYTHING. It is important that YOU know everything, but some information can be shared over the rest of the story, some can be assumed, and some will just dictate the action or the way characters behave without the reader ever knowing the specifics.

Through the rest of your prologue, I would suggest fleshing out your characters (eg the King, Luzius and Pulites). Give them gestures and facial expressions. Give them surroundings and action. Write this story as if it is almost a complete story in its own right. Grab the reader's attention and then keep it. *Smile* And make sure they're not explaining common knowledge to each other. They can complain and moan to each other, or argue with each other over the merits of different decisions/actions, but it is unlikely they will just randomly explain things to each other. Perhaps one person is confused by how the decision will affect them or change the situation and the other character can then explain. I suppose what I'm trying to say (in a long-winded way!) is they need a REASON to explain things. That the reader needs to know is not enough.

*Cut*"No! The only reason we have started this battle was to save our land... we are not in search of needless conflict." The King said with a malicious look on his face.*Cut*
I would suggest that 'malicious' isn't the right word for that sentence. He is doing the right thing, for the right reasons and is hardly being cruel or evil. Perhaps 'determined' or 'resolute' might work better?
Also, 'the King said' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue before it, so it doesn't need a capital letter on 'the'.

*Cut*"Yes, Sire! Please forgive my rudeness..." said the Clergyman, pleading for forgiveness.*Cut*
We can tell that he is pleading for forgiveness because he says 'please forgive my rudeness', so you don't need to tell us again. You could perhaps write instead 'backing away, bowing' or something to give us some further knowledge of how repentant he is.

Okay, moving on to Chapter One.

*Cut*During a sunny day in the Slums, even with the dark clouds of dirt in the air, the sun shone brightly. It glistened the sky and raising the tensions of the people. Their hearts were lifted as they progressed through the day, working hard and honestly in the quiet streets.
When suddenly a shattering and crashing noise erupts from a store next to the market.*Cut*

I would suggest that you put the action first, to grab our attention, then follow through with descriptions. You could do something like 'A sudden crashing noise erupted from a store next to the market, shattering the pleasant atmosphere of a sunny day in the Slums.' We don't need to know about the smog yet, we want to find out what has happened. What crashed? Tell us more! You can add depth of detail and scenery later when we're caught up in the story, or weave little details in here and there, as I did above.

I liked the characters of Triston and Reyna. Triston seems to be a fairly typical young boy - boisterous, loud and clumsy but full of general good humour. Reyna is clearly a tomboy but whether that is from circumstance or choice, I'm not sure yet. Her character is the most intriguing and compelling of the two, as far as I'm concerned, but then, I'm a female reader and therefore am more likely to connect with a female character (generally speaking). Other readers might identify more with Triston and be cheering for him to triumph. Both come across as good characters that you (as the author) are well-familiar with. Well done.

*Cut*Are you mad that I kicked your ass?" Reyna remarked as she looked down at him smirking.*Cut*
That's a great introductory line for Reyna - tells us a lot about her character and personality in just a few words.

One thing that I've noticed you do a lot is divide sentences up in to smaller sentences that no longer make sense. Let me give you an example.

*Cut*He fixed his black gold-plated headband, which was covered in dirt. It was a special present given to him by his father. She watched him, feeling sorry for him, he was such a mess, she always made fun of his lack of appearance from his short dark red hair, which only reached to the back of his neck, to his tanned skin. He was even shorter than the rest of the boys his age. The only thing he had going for him was that he was a bit muscular and strong. Compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin. She also had large purple eyes and long hair, always in a pretty ponytail, which flowed all the way down her back, it made her stand out a lot. She pitied him, but mostly she pitied herself since she was wearing the same outfit, as the boy. A worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes. She thought, sighing with disappointment.*Cut*
Taken on its own, the sentence 'Compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin' makes no sense. It sounds likes she is comparing herself to herself. Um, what? But if you combine it with the previous sentence, it makes a lot more sense. 'The only thing he had going for him was that he was a bit muscular and strong compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin.' Although the comment on her fair skin doesn't really belong in that sentence, the rest of it makes a lot more sense when combined. Don't you think?
Here's another example. You have a sentence which says 'A worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes.' Well, what about them? This sentence contains these items but tells us nothing about them. It needs to be added to another sentence. 'She pitied him, but mostly she pitied herself since she was wearing the same outfit as the boy - a worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes.' Do you see what I mean?
The last sentence doesn't make much sense either as it currently stands. 'She thought, sighing with disappointment.' She thought what? What was she disappointed about? I tried merging this sentence with the two previous ones, but it doesn't quite work. You could leave out this sentence altogether, or you can add to it and make it more complete, like 'The thought of her tattered outfit had her sighing with disappointment.' Anyway, have a read through and see if you can spot more examples where you have broken up sentences in to smaller mini-sentences that need joining together. I'm sure there are more, but on the bright side, they will be easy to fix. Mostly the information is all there, you just need to join the sentences back together.

Another thing you do (which is VERY common and I'm constantly pointing it out in reviews *Smile*) is that you put a full stop after dialogue when the sentence continues.
*Cut*Knights are warriors and masters of the sword." he shouted angrily.*Cut*
*Cut*"Whatever, listen the only important thing about being a Knight is victory." she lectured him. *Cut*
*Cut*"WHAT! The bloody hell is going on." A voice shouted from outside the shop*Cut*
After the dialogue, you have then written 'he shouted' or 'she lectured' or 'a voice shouted'. Those things are a continuation of the sentence, so you need a comma after your dialogue, not a full stop.
Also, in that last example, you have broken 'What the bloody hell is going on' in to two sentences when it should be just one. You can write 'what' in capitals to emphasis the volume on it, but you need to remove the exclamation mark and use a lower case letter for the next word. And where the speaker is asking a question, use a question mark at the end of the dialogue instead of a full stop or comma (even where the sentence continues).
Take a look through all your dialogue and see if they use the right punctuation. Like I said, this is a very common mistake, but again, it's an easy fix.

*Cut*He was a large, hairy, balding old man, with a messy and dirty beard. He always reeked of alcohol and sweat.*Cut*
Excellent description! He sounds revolting! *Smile*

I wouldn't explain Sol Gliders to the reader. Just add in details where they fit and otherwise leave them to our imagination. Currently your explanation breaks up the action scene and you don't want that. If you remove the sentence 'Gliders were thin magic circular tablet that uses the spirit energy from the land and energy from the sun to power it', your action scene flows much more smoothly.

*Cut*They increased their speed, using their weight to maneuver the Sol Gliders through the street. They dived on the ground and started crouching and crawling, camouflaging themselves in the crowd.*Cut*
Great action!

*Cut*When they noticed that Felix unleashed his Spirit Wolves, which were used by the Knights to track down enemies.*Cut*
This is another example of an incomplete sentence. When they noticed that he'd releashed his wolves....what happened? 'When they noticed that Felix unleashed his Spirit Wolves, which were used by the Knights to track down enemies, they both panicked.' Or something. Otherwise you could remove the word 'when' from the beginning of the sentence, so that they just noticed the release of the spirit wolves.

*Cut*Suddenly it popped it's head out of the dust cloud, right in between both Triston and Reyna's face. Their faces turned pale, their hearts stopped, at that moment, they knew, they knew that it was the end.
"I... found... you. Ankle Biters..." It said with a sadistic grin on it's face.*Cut*

I can appreciate that you are creating a 'cliffhanger' ending to your chapter here, making the reader wonder what horror has emerged from the dust to face the two kids. However, you've gone from referring to Felix by name to suddenly calling him 'it'. It doesn't make sense to the reader. Simply being caught by Felix could be your cliffhanger, or, I think if Triston and Reyna came face-to-face with a spirit wolf and the reader has no idea what level of danger they face, that would be a good note to finish on.

Your chapters are very short. If the audience you are aiming for is children, this may be suitable, but your chapters are all less than 1,000 words. I can't tell you how long a chapter should be, but just to give you a different view, in my novel that I'm working on (which is aimed at children 7-13yo) my first chapter is 3,000 words and my second is 2,400 words. Your first and second chapters could easily be combined. Your third one has a different feel/mood/theme to it and might work better as a seperate chapter, but I'd then continue to add on to chapter 3 until it is of a similar length to the combined one. Of course, you can leave them as they are. I have no experience in writing, publishing or selling children's books, I'm just giving you my personal opinion. *Smile*

Chapter two has a lot of dialogue without much description or detail. I think it would greatly enhance the story if you gave us more descriptions of the people, the facial expressions, the body language, the surroundings, etc.
Same for chapter 3, although this does have more description. I particularly liked chapter 3 - I felt the story really started moving forward and I felt a real threat to Triston and Reyna as the primary characters. You did well in sharing a sense of impending doom as the chapter continues.

You have the basics of a really great story. I can tell that you have put a lot of thought in to it, and you can probably sit down and talk for hours about all the details of the world you have created. Now the trick is to share those details with us, without sacrificing the flow and action.
I can recommend that you try some of the activities that have been set up to help the participants of National Novel Writing Month - even though you're not doing the challenge, you will find the activities really helpful I think.
 October NaNo Prep: 2012 Calendar  (E)
The calendar of daily challenges accompanying the October NaNo Prep Challenge for 2012.
#1821773 by Brandiwyn🎶

I'm working through the activities at the moment (I'm doing the challenge) and they are so useful. Even though it is intended that nothing you write while completing those activities actually ends up in the final story, they are designed to help you describe different characters, settings and events seperately and get an individual feel for them. I get the impression you have a good, detailed idea of what your Kingdom looks like, but have you ever tried to write a detailed description of it? What does it smell like? What does it feel like? What noises can you hear there? You can weave these little details in to your story and make the setting come alive for your readers. Same with your characters. What does Reyna's mother look like? What does Tristan's father sound like? You don't have to do the activities (I would certainly never know if you didn't!) but I think you might find them helpful. I do!

I hope my comments have been helpful. While it probably feels like I've said 'Great story if it was written completely differently!', that's not what I'm trying to say at all. Mostly it's a punctuation issue, and then just adding more details for your reader. I think you've got a great plot and your characters (Triston, Reyna and Felix so far) are brilliant. DON'T GIVE UP! A little polishing and this will really shine.
If you want another set of eyes to look over it after you've revised it, do come back to the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group and ask for another opinion.
Thanks for sharing your work with me.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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Review of 8 Minutes  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*Fire* Hi, this is one of your reviews as part of the Nuclear Package that Lornda ordered for you from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group with the message 'For your third prize win for our September Power Raid!' *Fire*

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I had to read this after Nixie said it was one of the best stories she'd read! *Smile*

Overall, I have to agree with Nixie - this was well written, an intriguing and different take on the 'end of the world' and so easy to read.

I picked on a few minor things that I'll mention.

Your first sentence doesn't need a comma.

*Cut*Jeff rounded up the girls from their bedrooms and made them adorn their thickest coats.*Cut*
'Adorn' doesn't make much sense here. 'Don' would be better.

*Cut*Alice was simply excited for the adventured*Cut*
'Adventured' should be 'adventure'.

*Cut*feeling the bitter after taste*Cut*
I think perhaps aftertaste should be one word. Or hyphenated. But not two words.

*Cut*he realised, he didn't much care*Cut*
I would move the comma from after 'realised' to before 'he' so this flows more smoothly.

I really liked the view of Jeff's family from Stan's viewpoint. Excellently done.

*Cut*Living in the earth without fresh air, in such close confines with other people, that wasn't natural.*Cut*
I liked this whole paragraph - it fits well with what we know of Stan so far, and it gives us insight in to his mood and why he's not upset about not being able to afford a bunker. It's also a good lead in for the direction Jeff's thoughts take later on in the story.

*Cut*Only when he became an overnight superstar did the women start flocking.*Cut*
It's probably not relevant, but I find myself wanting to know what Jeff did or does to have such fame. Stan didn't recognise him on screen.

*Cut*he steadied himself against the wall, the hot train*Cut*
I'm not sure that 'train' is the right word there. Maybe trail? Or stream would be better, but then you'd have find another word for the next sentence.

*Cut*The bar man smiled at him and poured another shot without a word. The bar man's eyes were blurry and bloodshot,*Cut*
Barman should be one word.

*Cut*"For God sake Jessie, no!" He yelled,*Cut*
Because this is all one sentence, 'He' should have a lower case h.

*Cut*then settled down into what would be his chair*Cut*
Great extra detail there, I liked that.

*Cut*"Bunch of crap anyway," the bar tender insisted*Cut*
Bartender should be one word.

*Cut*"And ya know what else?" Long-haired man leaned forward conspiratorially.*Cut*
This is one sentence, so 'Long' should have a lower-case l. Also, it feels like it's missing something. THE long-haired man?

I loved the countdown scene. Superbly done.

*Cut*Megan and Alice clutched earth other*Cut*
'Earth' should be 'each'.

*Cut*Standing up, Jeff stumbled acorss the room, stretching his arms around both daughters.*Cut*
Despite everything, I would have really liked Jeff to have made some sort of gesture to his wife here. Okay, so she only married him for his money, but he chose her for her looks, and she's TRYING to make the most of it. Trying too hard maybe, but she is making an effort. I know I'm an incurable romantic, but I'd have liked to have seen Jeff pick her up off the floor and gather the three of them in his arms here. So he doesn't love her - it's the end of the world and they're stuck together for the foreseeable future - would a gesture of caring or friendship be out of place?

*Cut*providing a voice over to the end of the world*Cut*
Loved that line.

*Cut*It will take eight minutes before anybody on earth will be able to see it has gone."*Cut*
I didn't understand that line, and yet it's clearly important considering the title of the story. Did you mean that the visualisation was from long range satellites, and the 'naked eye' would still see the sun for another 8 minutes? But there was no one on the surface anymore to see it. I am confused.

*Cut*Jessie looked bored, her eyes dull and glazed, her expression dropping in a painful grimace.*Cut*
It doesn't seem like bored is quite the right word to fit with those visual expressions. Perhaps shell-shocked. Or in shock?

Questions - why were the guard and the bartender dutifully doing their jobs when they knew full well their lives would end within hours? I wouldn't be working, I'd be at home with my family. Why aren't they? Some clarification on that would be good. Even a stray sentence from the bartender like 'I'd rather be here working than wandering the streets amongst the panicked hordes - I have no family at home anyway'.
Some reference to religious hysteria or mass-panic would be good, even if it's to explain why there isn't any.
Overall, I really liked the story. I LOVED Stan's character and the whole bar scene and the countdown especially.

Thank you for sharing. *Smile*

Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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