Lyn's a sly fox's (elusive4lyn) Reviews

Lyn's a sly fox

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2,068 Public Reviews Given

2,071 Total Reviews Given

151

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#4682034

Review of Those Words

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (2.0)

As a lover of poetry, and short stories and not a professional reviewer, I hope you take my personal opinions in the manner that they are given, my goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will help you grow as a writer. Some times, it's not what we want to read but it is offered with encouragement to keep trying.

Hi Jinxx,

Is the title suitable to the poem/story? Yes, the title does fulfill the poem's message.

Can it be read out loud? Yes, it can but there feels like some redundancy as I do.

Do the lines and stanzas build upon each other? The poem is in a free verse form with only one stanza. Those was repeated six times and in the title which thisreader found disappointing. The author has the opportunity to be more creative.

Does the story have an introduction, a middle and a conclusion with a suitable climax. The author introduces the reader by saying it's not to late but the theme didn't vary so it failed to demonstrate a middle. It did conclude with the question Do you love me?

How did your piece make me feel? I felt the author's unhappiness.

What was my favorite part? Do you love me?

What would I change? This reader feels the author missed the opportunity to really share her feelings in a more creative way.

Was it well thought out and well written? It takes a lot of guts to share one's work, so I'll acknowledge that. I truly believe once the author is feeling more confident it would be a good investment of time to look at each line and find ways to make each one more creative and powerful.

Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

152

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14 days may be credited.

#4681433

Review of Proof of Life

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Norma Jean,

My name is Lyn and I'm reviewing your work, Proof of Life. The word count indicates that this may have been written for a contest. I hope you had fun writing it.

The story had good pacing and each character was clearly distinguishable. I didn't note any grammar or punctuation errors.

I only noted this sentence because the word choice feels awkward. I would use pounded instead of beat because it rolls smoother off the tongue when reading it out loud. The word pounded also had emphasis to the point George was attempting to make to Nate.
"You beat that horse all the way from Andromeda." You pounded that horse all the way from Andromeda.

Overall, I enjoyed the piece very much.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

153

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14 days may be credited.

#4681329

Review of October 19 Contest: Antagonist

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Rojodi,

My name is Lyn. I'm reviewing your work. Feel free to use or ignore my suggestions.

“It’s really dark in there.” The young man, dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a blue and black plaid flannel shirt stood outside the house, peering inside.

It makes more sense to begin your story with a clear speaker like this:

The young man dressed in jeans, sneakers and a blue and black flannel shirt standing outside peering inside said, "It's really dark in there." Now, it's clear one of the characters is male and speaking because the way you have introduced the reader to the story it's not clear who each character is initially.

The pacing once Van Rossum looks in the window works very well.

Your title is Antagonist but there's not enough information for this reader to determine who is the Protagonist (the main character that the reader wants to become invested in as they read).

It would have been more helpful to this reader if I understood why it was important they retrieve the information. I didn't feel that indicating it meant more than one can imagine in a take over.

Thank you for sharing your work. I hope my suggestions are helpful.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

154

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#4676032

Review of A Mouse for Spring

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Graham

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Quotation Inspiration contest

"I've always loved the first day of school better than the last day of school.
Firsts are best because they are beginnings."
-- Jenny Han

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: A Mouse for Spring

First Impression: I enjoyed your approach to the quotation with the story unfolding from Vesna's eyes.

What needs your attention: In the beginning shouldn't it say in a litter of six instead of to a litter of six. It just sounded odd to me. I didn't note any other grammar or punctuation issues.

Favorite Parts: Vesna realizing the difference in her fur color and the potential risk. Vesna also noted that Iryna was different too and wondered if it was dangerous for her as well. Together, they would make quite a team.

Overall Impression: The pacing was good, the characters were interesting and I felt the quote evolve in the story.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

155

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14 days may be credited.

#4676030

Review of New Beginnings

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Deb

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Quotation Inspiration contest

"I've always loved the first day of school better than the last day of school.
Firsts are best because they are beginnings."
-- Jenny Han

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: New Beginnings

First Impression:A little confusing, I went back and re-read the rules because I didn't feel like there was enough of the quote in the story. The instructions stated it wasn't necessary to have it all but for me I would have liked more emphasis on the new beginning.

What needs your attention: The paragraphs flowed smoothly carrying the authors thoughts as the story progressed. I didn't note anything needing correction.

Favorite Parts: When she recalled something similar happening in Chicago. That put the story into perspective for me because initially I wasn't totally sure what was happening. I smiled when it became personal and she wanted to dance with Grandma May, that made the ending for me.

Overall Impression: I felt the story was interesting with the different name drops but as I noted I would have liked more of the quote. Like maybe the first time she danced with Grandma May and then ending it with how excited she would be to do so again.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

156

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#4676026

Review of Suzette Higgenbottom's First Days

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Anna

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for Quotation Inspiration contest

"I've always loved the first day of school better than the last day of school.
Firsts are best because they are beginnings."
-- Jenny Han

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Suzette Higgenbottom's First Day

First Impression: The title indicated first days but in the story you chose to bookend it with the first and then the last day. I realize titles are the most challenging for any work. School Year Dilemmas would have offered a more accurate portrayal of your story. (just a suggestion)
What needs your attention: It was important to her that she graduates. It was important that she graduate. We are talking about one individual.

Favorite Parts: The paragraph with Mrs. Whitmire's approach to comedy. The lipstick and the mare or colt was very engaging.

Overall Impression: The story was divided into two sections both parts were descriptive and entertaining but easily could have been two separate pieces meeting the quotation inspiration and still match the title.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

157

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14 days may be credited.

#4676025

Review of Not for the first time

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sumojo

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for Quotation Inspiration contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Not for the first time

First Impression: I didn't see the ending coming. Awesome! The story took a different approach than the the others in this contest which I enjoyed immensely.

What needs your attention: I didn't notice any grammar or punctuation issues.

Favorite Parts: Serena watching the ocean. That's one of my favorite things to do. I was surprised she swam out with any regard to her own safety.

Overall Impression: Interesting and well formatted story that held my interest from beginning to end.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

158

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14 days may be credited.

#4670324

Review of Virtual WDC Convention

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Virtual convention works for me this year, traveling is a bit challenging for me still. But if I did venture to Canada, I would definitely find my way to you. You've always been one of the people I've wanted to meet in person.

When I'm feeling better, we need to do another virtual vacation. I'm thinking we should check out the planets, maybe even do some moon walking.

This was very articulate and fun to read. I agree Storymaster and Storymistress are the heart of WDC and we're all the beats that keep the blood moving.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

159

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#4652475

Review of Zippers

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sonali

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Zippers

First Impression: Interesting storyline, not at all what I expected in an action/adventure contest.

What needs your attention: I thought the pacing of the story could be faster. We have details about Mrs. Sadarangani's height and generous spirit and the use of her own funds that really aren't necessary. I thought it was much better learning about her generous nature later with the fussy baby. Letting details unfold naturally are always better or as I'm always told in my own writing show don't tell.

Favorite Parts: Toufiq was a stranger to the five women as well yet Mrs. Sadarangani trusted him with the secret of the pillows. That could have easily gone the wrong way. It was very kind of him to assist.

Overall Impression: The unique design of the pillow and the hidden zipper was interesting but didn't fulfill my expectations for action/adventure.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

160

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#4652474

Review of From Russia with Motorbikes

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi LightinMind

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: From Russia with Motorbikes

First Impression: Nicely paced and entertaining.

What needs your attention: It may be just me, but there were a few and's that dragged some of the sentences down. I suggest eliminating some of them this helps mix the sentence length up reduces the stagnancy that the word and tends to add.

Favorite Parts: Sarah choosing to assist Bill instead of her brother. That was risky on her part considering the brother supposedly was helping the Russians.

Overall Impression: The story flowed smoothly throughout. The characters were well developed although I would've like Mia to be a bit more feisty especially after hearing about her previous reaction. Just food for thought.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

161

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14 days may be credited.

#4652473

Review of It Takes A Boy

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Elephant Sealer

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: It Takes a Boy

First Impression: The story is about a boy struggling with the loss of his parents and his need to have time without his nanny/lannny as he calls her. I'm not sure this title reflects the story as the author needs it too.

What needs your attention: There's a lot of redundancy that could be eliminated to make the story sharper. Here's one example: As he watched the old man in the mirror, his eyes felt heavy and heavier until they closed completely, sending him into a deep, deep sleep. He watched the old man in the mirror. His eyes felt heavy and he fell in deep sleep. Same message with less words. You have quite a few sentences written the same way with the repeated words that don't add to the story.

Favorite Parts: The boy remembering why he was living with Lannay was an effective pivot point before the ending.

Overall Impression: There's a lot of unnecessary repetition that could be excised with the addition of stronger verbs adding more drama to the child's story.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

162

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14 days may be credited.

#4652471

Review of Travel into Battle

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Kotaro

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Travel Into Battle

First Impression: Needs editing because it is very wordy and the descriptive choices don't fit as well as they could.

What needs your attention: Very wordy and confusing opening to the story.
I was drifting off. From my armchair and through the window, I watched the snow drifting down in big clumps. From my arm chair (we don't need through the window because the arm chair and the fire indicate we're inside looking outside.) I watched the snow (drifting doesn't fit the description) floating down in big clumps as I drifted off to sleep to another world as the logs crackled in the fireplace. Less confusing and wordy.

Smell works for charred wood but doesn't for bodies ripped open. That requires seeing. You could say the bloodied bodies and then the reader would understand that the smell of blood.

Passive verbs when stronger verbs would improve the pacing.

Favorite Parts: Rabbit stew Emma four boys are joining us. Brief happiness among the dying is always appreciated.

Overall Impression: The story has an interesting story line but is bogged down with passive verbs and wordy sentences. It has potential with editing.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

163

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14 days may be credited.

#4652470

Review of A Great Adventure

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sumojo

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: A Great Adventure

First Impression: Interesting story of time travel with two boys and a dog.

What needs your attention: I suggest reversing the order of you opening so it feels more natural.
“Hi, Elizabeth, I noticed you had a new appliance delivered,” Mrs Crowe, stuck her head out of her window and waved.

Mrs. Crowe,stuck her head of her window and waved. "Hi Elizabelth, I noticed you had a new appliance delivered.

Favorite Parts: Percy scrambling back under the fence as fast as his little legs could get him there.

Overall Impression: The boys should have been just as anxious to get to safety as Percy was but the author didn't take the opportunity to continue building the tension until they ran to Jedd's mom. All the pieces were laid with the dinosaur but then it felt like it happened all the time by the way they reacted once home again.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

164

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14 days may be credited.

#4652466

Review of Gavor Dannic

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi PureSciFi

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Gannor Dannic

First Impression: I wondered why it was important that they kill the professionalsand enter the residence. If it's somek ind of mission, it's not shown as that.

What needs your attention: There are sentences beginning with but, and, as well as then that are filter words. As such they add nothing to the story and they drag the pacing.

Favorite Parts: I was surprised that he didn't know there were other operatives trying to take out the professionals.

Overall Impression: I think with some editing and stronger verbs you have an interesting story line once it's clear this is a mission.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

165

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14 days may be credited.

#4652462

Review of BANG!!!

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Odessa Molinari

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Bang!

First Impression: A lot of details without any knowledge of who the protagonist is, or where they are that doesn't become apparent until the second paragraph. I still wasn't sure where they were.

What needs your attention: You have quite a few incomplete sentences or fragmented sentences that didn't keep the pacing of the story moving.

Favorite Parts: Bobby and his mum working together to free themselves through the door.

Overall Impression: The story needed to set the reader in a place right off from the start in a short story and this didn't. It felt like a confusing stream of consciousness. There's a lot of passive verbs and sentence fragments that with tweaking could move the story along .

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

166

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14 days may be credited.

#4652460

Review of Gala Intergalactica

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Kare Enga

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Gala Intergalactia

First Impression: Yay, it's been a while since I've read your work in a contest. Probably, my fault but either way I was happy to see your entry.

What needs your attention: I didn't note any grammar or punctuation issues.

Favorite Parts: Tired of time theme attracted me initially but then when Gala became the voyeur I chuckled. I like the idea of having spectators recording human actions. Hopefully, they will show some humans are really ...selfish, greedy and inhumane.

Overall Impression: I thought this could have easily been longer than the five hundred words entered. The story line is interesting and has the potential to go in so many directions. I enjoyed reading Gala's perspective.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

167

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14 days may be credited.

#4618355

Review of This Appearance

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sonali

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's What a Character May 2021

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: This Appearance

First Impression: I could relate to the protagonist in your story. I have doubted my skills so many times. You did an excellent job of making the story relatable and believable.

What needs your attention: I only found this sentence ( So when the students in art-class took it in turns to pose for the class for each new aspect taught} doesn't need in. It would read better the students in art-class took turns to pose. Overall, very well done.

Favorite Parts: Kalindi responding to the final posing spot after Manish brought it to Miss Tracey's attention. It's one thing to pose fully clothed and another to be naked.

Overall Impression: Interesting example of how important it is to value ourselves. Kalindi struggled with self-esteem issues in addition to judging her worth against her sisters. Manish took a huge risk in their friendship to trick her into the audition.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

168

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14 days may be credited.

#4618354

Review of Survival

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sumjo

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's What a Character contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Survival

First Impression: It was very interesting to go with Sam on this journey and experiencing it through his actions.

What needs your attention: I think and doesn't fit here in this sentence. He was with his gym buddy and young men preened themselves in front of the wall of mirrors, sweat streamed from their firm, muscular bodies. He was with his gym buddy as other young men preened themselves in front of the wall of mirrors....I believe this would help the flow of your thoughts versus pausing them with and. I didn't note any other areas that disrupted my reading.

Favorite Parts: His joy climbing up the tree and then realizing that the boar was waiting for him below. Survival of the fittest moment beginning to unfold, I couldn't wait to read who did survive.

Overall Impression:. Entertaining and engaging from beginning to end. The only place I felt disrupted was in the sentence I noted.

.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

169

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14 days may be credited.

#4618352

Review of Footprints

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi JRay

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's What a Character contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Footprints

First Impression: Unusual story highlighting a young woman's struggle.

What needs your attention: There are quite a few sentences that are choppy. I'll use this one as an example. Oh no, Nu Wa has returned. The magic scrolls sit in front of me, still unopened. I tried studying, but I couldn’t focus. Nu Wa has returned. Oh no, the unopened magic scrolls are in front of me. I tried studying but couldn't focus. Now, the reader knows because of Nu Wa, the young woman feels uncomfortable for not studying with less filter words.

Favorite Parts: The discomfort Qiaokeli felt while trying to impress NuWa. It felt realistic.

Overall Impression: The story has a lot of unnecessary words that weigh the story done. It feels choppy reading out loud.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

170

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14 days may be credited.

#4618351

Review of The Putzworth Principal

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi W. D.

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey What a Character contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: The Putzworth Principal

First Impression: This was very entertaining. The characters felt natural in their interactions.

What needs your attention: I didn't note anything that distracted me as I read it out loud. Each paragraph flowed smoothly. The dialogue felt natural between your characters.

Favorite Parts: The play on the typical cop jokes with coffee donuts. The tire section had me laughing out loud as I read. What a great twist on filling the tires with helium.

Overall Impression: I found myself wishing it hadn't ended so soon. I enjoyed the humoroua situation of first the donuts and then the tires as well the verbal interactions between Jeremy Putzworth and Chief Hogensnoz.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my immense pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

171

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4618348

Review of Stephan, The Shy Boy

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Anna Marie

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's What a Character contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Stephan, the Shy Boy

First Impression: Intersting story about a boy missing opportunities because of a low self-esteem. Unfortunately, we can be our own worst enemy.

What needs your attention: In the title you have Stephan and then in the story you have Stephan and Stefan both. Consistency matters. There are a lot of clunky sentences and redundancies that drag the story down.

"Stefan had his sights on building homes for people that were down on their luck and couldn't afford to buy a home. He had the skills that would qualify him to do this but with all the permits that he would have to get, he was afraid that he might do something wrong. The thought of signing any kind of a contract made him begin to doubt himself. He was afraid to sign on the dotted line. Anxiety began to get a hold of him and he began to shake. There were a lot of questions that would enter his mind and didn't have the courage to ask anybody, for fear of getting into trouble. There was too much competition out there for him and didn't think that he had any kind of chance to make his project work."

Stefan desired to build home for people down on their luck and couldn't purchase a home. He had the skills but found the permits intimidating. What if he made an error kept him from trying. The thought of signing any contract made him doubt himself. His anxiety made him shake. So many questions but who to ask. He was afraid to ask with all the competition, his project wouldn't work.

Just to give you an idea on how to tighten up your work so it flows smoother.

Deer is plural and singular, it doesn't get an s to show more than one.

Favorite Parts: Baby fawns are delightful creatures. Odd that you mention them because today my son shared a picture of one born by his house. Stefan's comparison of deer and horses to himself were interesting ways to bolster his courage.

Overall Impression: The story's theme met the criteria for the prompt. It wasn't necessary to explain why your chose your topic just so you know for future reference.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

172

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4618347

Review of You Were Only a Human

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi PureSciFi

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's What a Character contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: You Were Only a Human

First Impression: The story is being told in the present yet the the title is in past tense. It should be You Are Only a Human. I noticed other places as well where it's unclear if its past or present.

What needs your attention: "Her head only bounced slightly forward before she stiffened her arms away from her" Her head bounced slightly forward before she extended her arms away from her. Only is an unnecessary filter word. Stiffened doesn't work as well as extended to make your point.
" Viloni asked in reply." If some one asked it isn't necessary to say in reply. " There are other places you have done the same.

Favorite Parts: When she discovered the spaceship in front of her was actually humans Kackim and Viloni and they had been attempting to acconplish what she really wanted for all humans. Freedom.

Overall Impression: The story is enjoyable but does need some tweaking to get it clearer with less excess words.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

173

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4587194

Review of The Dance

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sorji

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: The Dance

First Impression: I would have enjoyed
reading more about the dance. You chose it as the title and it appeared in one line before the disagreement between mother and daughter. It would have been a great conclusion that he came to pick her up for the pizza, he ask her father if he could take her to the dance.

What needs your attention: I didn't notice any punctuation errors.

Favorite Parts: The references to African-American discrimination as a comparison to Kellen's struggle to be just like anyone else. Good job on reminding the readers that racism exists still.

Overall Impression: The storyline flowed smoothly, had good tension and was engaging from beginning to end.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

174

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14 days may be credited.

#4587193

Review of Taken Out

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Sumjo

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Taken Out

She guessed now wasn’t the best time to berate him or untidiness.

First Impression: Amusing twist on take out with the title and the reference to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

What needs your attention: I didn't notice anything that needed your attention other than the typo here. "She guessed now wasn’t the best time to berate him or untidiness." I believe you meant for untidiness.

Favorite Parts: The advertising on farmer's barn roof. I hadn't seen this unusual advertising until I had gone to Kentucky with my husband. On another side note, my husband grew up in Louisville, and saw Colonel Sanders at his restaurant in Corbin before he began franchising his recipe. He did wear a white suit.

Overall Impression: I chuckled when I read oh didn't that man dream big. My husband said that Sanders walked into a room, he made an impression. Great job writing.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

175

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4587191

Review of Second Voyage of Christopher Columbus

Review by Lyn's a sly fox

In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

“Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. … It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.”—Enid Bagnold

Hi Aurthor

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review as a judge for WDC's Journey Through Genres contest

As a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Second Voyage of Christopher Columbus

First Impression: Engaging read that emphasized Columbus's arrogance “Tell them that I am the ranking authority of all of the Spanish colonies of the new world. I command the captains.” but with an unexpected victor.

What needs your attention: I didn't notice any punctuation or grammar that distracted me.

Favorite Parts: The warrior woman giving Columbus an opportunity to prove his merit and his pompous reaction. I enjoyed her response to the other warrior that Columbus was weak and not worthy of any recognition.

Overall Impression: The story unfolded with a glimpse at what happened and how it unfolded and the satisfying conclusion.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure! Lyn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .