Mini-review: Ars poetica: a writer writing about writing. We all do it!
What I like: "the page stays blank ... the story just ends." Yep. It shows promise but it's not overly poetic. Lines of subject-verb-object-period don't work well for poetry. And it reads like a list at first, although it gets better. Sometimes adverbs like "finally" distract; it distracted me; it can get its point across without this *sigh*. I give it a 3.5 at this point. With stronger words and poetics it could be a 4.
Mini-review: Preachy. Good message. I could quibble with it but I won't. Poetics... it would need severe editing. Once 'man and woman' is established there's no need repeating it (in a poem... in a sermon to those who have problems with that concept? Fine.) and 'human' will do if needed after the first mention. It's also wordy and could easily be pruned. In this case more isn't better. The nice rhythm established in the first verse is unfortunately abandoned and that's noticeable when read out loud. No other poetic devices are used. It has no concrete images, only abstractions. Although salvageable, it utterly fails poetically. A 2.0 for effort.
Mini-review: a 4.5... at least! Loved it. I don't write these memoirish things much but I remember when they cut our elm down, My Tree! But the ending... losing half my kingdom would have bruised me. I can't improve on it. You're a story-teller and I'm a poet. Well done.
Mini-critique: it's fairly new and needs a shave and a haircut. Other than cutting out a few weak words it needs to smooth out its rhythm, as that is the main poetic device. Verses 1-5 ask enough questions (ad nauseum questions are annoying) that 6 and 7 could be changed into statements. It could end on "to draw a breath and sigh". Everything after that is commentary and needs to be cut (or incorporated into the poem elsewhere). I wanted to like this more than I did. It has potential, so a 4.0 at this stage of development.
Mini-review. It's sad and salvageable. It needs some editing to eliminate worthless words like 'the' and 'is'. 'is' can be reduced to 's unless it's emphasized, in which case 'IS' may be better. To keep its flow read out loud before and after snipping. The languid rhythm is important here as it sets the mood. A couple more lines of the ebb and flow of water and how it calms wouldn't hurt. Readers like it and I agree. I give it a 4.0 because it has potential... but not quite there yet.
Mini-review: very poetic (uses repetition, rhythm, rhyme very well) but leaving it in prose form makes it hard to read. At least divide into lines and maybe into verse. Also would be better in a larger font. It truly needs room to breathe and re-formatting would help. As is, it gives me a headache.
That said, it's cute and flows... mostly. I stumbled in a couple places but putting it in a poetic form might cure that. I'd give it a 4.0 because it desperately needs editing. Is it worth keeping and improving on? Absolutely.
Mini-review from before your recent 11/6 edit: Very sweet . Looks a bit like prose but it reads like poetry (different formatting or linebreaks may help) It has a certain cadence and near rhymes that really work. It needs an edit though to smooth it out. Small things... like shortening morning to 'morn', maybe cut 'on my day' and keeping 'all day long'. It will be a 4.5 poem once re-edited and smoothed out (so I'll rate it 4.5 now).
Mini-review. I'll give it a 4.0, only because the aabb rhyme scheme is tortured in places. Definitely poetic. Great use of prompts. Tells a cute story. I would say a keeper but it needs editing after 5 years. A potential 4.5 or better.
It's a really cute... and poetic... free verse with more/core/roar rhyming at the end. In this case less is more. It felt a bit like Shel Siverstein in length and message (and that is a compliment). A 4.7 because I'm sure it could use an edit ... but of what? (maybe replace 'suddenly roar' with 'stand up and roar' as 'stand up' is an action and 'roar' need not be intensified.) Regardless, it's delightful as is.
Very lovely piece. It makes one feel like one has been there. No need to even visit ... although someone like me would definitely want to!
I remember scrambling up a crumbly rock gorge and the exhiliration of reaching the top. It was one of those places no one visits. I like places like that. One of those "inaccessible, unspoiled" places.
This does seem to be personal enough; although, a bit vague and goal based rather than measurable objectives; so, it's more of a wish list or "let's go this direction and see where it leads" rather than here's the goal, this is how we get there (consistent with your personality?).
A list of 7 is sufficient. I love the witty "retire at 80? Don't drop dead on our clients" because it indicates a self-effacing humbleness and a consideration of "others'.
Also, there's a certain maturity, a sense you know yourself and you're happy with that. Absolutely no angst, which is refreshing by-the-way.
In a passing note... thanks for reminding me of this contest. I realize one can "win big prizes", but you've already won, imho.
PS: I had to copy paste and "re-review' because I had setting wrong. It's the same review.
It dawned on me that I've never reviewed you blog.
The good: You attack topics, even get around prompts that don't apply. For someone who is far more introvert than I am you're willing to engage with other bloggers and leave comments. This is reflected in your entries as they do not seem to be merely self-absorbed. You are able to blog to many topics. This blog is not a one-note-wail.
You're quirky... and that comes out nicely in many of your entries. You are willing to share experiences, at times admit to faults that others might hide.
The not-so-good: can't think of anything off hand. Blogs are so personal so I'm sure there are those out there for whom this would not be their cuppa tea. Me? I read it religiously.
Thanks for all the support you've given to fellow bloggers.
Actually quite cute and a nice read. Could use some work on the rhythm in the last two verses as they jar the reader and that's not good as a rhythm has been well established by then. The rhyme is also fine (except maybe using 'prey'... that seems a bit forced).
With some thought and an re-edit it could even be better.
I like it but think it can be improved by abandoning a strict interpretation of 8 syllables. I think rhythm is important and how the ear hears it. I hear what I read so music of the written word is more important to me than to most people.
Line 4: Around green plants beneath blooming trees or 'Round green plants beneath blooming trees. Rhythm motivates this suggestion.
Line 9: really jars as written. This might restore the rhythm: Hearts were pledged to bind/join each other
Line 14: Rhythm again: through laughter, tears, hard work and play, sounds better to my ear, although I can live with the line as is.
Line 15: I'm not happy with "embark" but have no suggestion.
Lines 1,6,11 and 16: I prefer the rhythm of: Sunlight dances on light and on dark, but it's fine as is.
The imagery is wonderful. It flows well and the ending is perfect; I like it alot. It feels like poetic prose to me. In that light ...
Points: Very lyrical, but the unnecessary repetition of some words (a good poetic device, but not here with the overuse of 'sand') detracts. I'd say print out a copy and circle every word that is used twice or more and decide whether eliminating or changing one would help.
I'm also not particularly fond of some of the adjectives and adverbs. Could be tighter.
One example:
"refers to yet another innocent butterfly. I don’t feel them taking off, and I’ve done nothing to attract the beautiful creatures" By this time we know all about the butterflies and you've already used 'beautiful' and ... 'yet another' does not help.
Why not something like ... "rests/lands on/licks another spot/freckle/pore/flake of innocence"
or ... "to attract this/their beauty/elegance".
Also since you've established the butterfly motif and metaphor quite well, at some time you can introduce 'a part as whole'. You do this with wings, but why not the long tongue, the irridescent eyes, the smooth slender body, the very light feet ... all six of them .
Only one grammatical note (not my strong point):
My skin in (is) sensitive
As for the lesbian/gay genre. Although you know you're a woman, the reader (out of context) does not. There is no reference to your female nature. You could just as easily be a man having a dream of butterflies and waking up to his female lover (you do refer to her as she). This is good or not-so-good, depending on your intent. In a book of lesbian lit, it would be a mute point, but standing on its own it is ambiguous.
I really liked this poem for the imperfect repetitons. Kudos on that.
There are great alliterations and the form is very good. The idea sound.
Quibbles: 1st, 3rd and 5th stanzas are wonderful but the line length of the 2nd, 3rd and 4th lines isn't.
1st: 9 - 10- 7
2nd: 10 - 12 - 13
3rd: 13 - 13 - 11
is how I count it. The long lines slow down the poem and that's okay, but they really could be cut. I think they'd flow better. Words like every, swiftly, many don't add anything and tend to detract.
Some suggestions to think about (It's always your poem ):
*And the mermaids harvested their new treasures
and the mermaids havested treasures
*Wishes were made from every shore along the sea
wishes made from the shores of the seas
*The wind carried them swiftly across many oceans
the wind carried them across the oceans
*And the mermaids began to weave new constellations
and the mermaids wove constelations
*And reborn eyes gazed from every shadow on the sea
and reborn eyes gazed from shadows on the sea
So ... ya gotta understand, I don't review short stories; however, this is a tear jerker with a nice bit of humor.
I can imagine your 'Emily' being totally unaware of what she has done. The innocence of a 5 year old comes through.
The dialog seems fine. The storyline moves along well.
This does seem to break into two parts not three though. The short second part flows easily from the first and doesn't need to be set off. I understand that you are trying to make the reader pause and become aware of the passage of time. Just of an opinion that there must be a better way to accomplish this.
Having had a friend just witness the aftermath of a shooting, where the guy died (Sunday morning 2 am), I went looking and found this gem for my blog "L'aura del Campo" [13+]. I send gps.
These lines are chilling:
wind exhales colder on
modern day Gomorrah
where predator battles scavenger
for souls freely given
and flesh at a price
enter the wide-eyed drifter
avarice and dread scent the air
destiny advances stealthily
disguised as ambition
condemnation’s momentum -
only the quick and the dead
play this game
Poetically, I like the alliterations, the metaphors and the imagery. The title is excellant. The rhythm seems appropriate for the subject, as does the lack of punctuation. When somebody is shot, everything is a bit of a jumble. I know from experience. (I put some thoughts in my blog today about a shooting from 1998.)
Quibbles: I got lost a couple times during the first read. '50 in a 25' wasn't clear until I reread it, but then poetry is to be reread!
Thanks for this great read that I am making 'my treasure of the day'.
Excellent piece of writing! The addition of the photos is good too as you make reference to them. There you are with the marshmallows. Over there the lava glows at night.
I especially liked the groundedness. Going back and forth from you inner thoughts to the concrete images works well for me.
This verse is TOTALLY AWESOME!
i've got
toasted marshmallow pictures...
me, and me again, and me again,
taken by strangers who walked
across the lava in pairs,
lovers in twenty languages,
kissing
in the steam of molten rock meeting cold blue ocean,
flashlight circles merging
into intimate ovals
Quibble: I was just a bit confused at the beginnning, but figured it out. Unlike novels, poetry should be read at least twice - a day!
When you get a chance, please come and look at my poem "Kipuka" [E]. I don't know whether you had a chance to visit the green oases on the lava slopes of the Big Island. If so, your comments would be doubly welcome.
I really can't come up with any suggestions to make this better. It is great as is. I'm including a link in my blog "L'aura del Campo" [13+], putting it on the top of my entry for Jan 28th as my 'treasure of the day'. I send gps.
I like really the flow. The line breaks keep it moving fast and that is appropriate for this poem. Word usage is good. The hyphenated words are fine, but extra hyphens detract a bit.
I loved the following three lines as they SHOW how you feel rather than merely TELL it:
strangled in sober gray tie
(as light as I'm allowed to get)
as dark as a storm laden sky-
There is also some wicked interior rhyme going on!
The strength of this is the honesty. You have since written followups; but, this is how it began.
Your internal questions ring true. Anyone who has never been homeless could ask the same ones. As you said you were truly blessed to have this experience. And with so little to give yourself, you gave tea.
Actually, you were giving of yourself.
This series of three articles is very strong and this is well written as always. Thanks for the great read, Kåre.
Although, your explanations are clear, it has been two years since you have added to this. It would be good to add the Qur'anic spellings of the Prophets (Lut, Isa, etc.) any terms you have used in other writings (you have many) such as hadith and Sunna. Historical figures important to Islam, such as Aisha, Ali and Fatima could be mentioned. Phrases, such as People-of-the-Book (i.e. Jews and Christains) and any other terminology that is used differently, albeit in English, could be explained here (the definition of Prophet, for instance).
One correction: for hijaab (I would spell it hijab) you have 'see above' but don't mention where. I know you are referring to the 'veil', but your other readers may not.
This is a helpful tool that needs a bit of TLC (tender loving care). I hope you will be able to find the time to add to it.
I like that you ask for in depth answers even though a poll can only show numerical results. It will be interesting when you get a chance to make a survey and really get to the nitty-gritty. It seems you could use an upgrade.
I think music is very important to humans in general, but I prefer silence to noise. And one man's noise is someone else's music. Music is not my drug of choice. I was raised on classical music and musicals. I have since expanded my tastes and like many musical styles from around the world. But, on a daily basis I don't listen to any. I would prefer something soft and meditative if I had a choice. Enya comes to mind. Flutes and clasical guitar attract me more than loud drums. Rap is basically poetry, but I don't prefer its percussiveness; I like a lyrical line.
Thank-you for this poll. It made me think and ask myself some questions. Like why don't I invest in head phones and listen to music while I'm on-line?
Kåre.
Welcome to WDC. Glad to see you have your bio-block up and ready for the public and that you have numerous items that are begging for reading and reviews.
This particular poem has a problem, I feel. It has two distinct parts that don't meld well.
The first part is lyrical, pleasant and uses common images. The Ideanary under Author tools (or a thesaurus) could help with stronger words than 'golden rays' and 'pale blue sky'.
The second part is preachy. It is commentary on the first part. It is heavy and weighs the poem down. As a commentary it is fine but to be poetic it needs to 'show' not tell or to tell with the same light voice as the first part.
It is best in my estimation to cut off everything after "Beautiful is not blond hair" or integrate the telling and showing.
Thanks for the read and once again welcome to WDC, Kåre.
I think the idea is great with some wonderful lines. However, the inconsistency weakens your message.
What I really liked:
There are beautiful lines I wish I would've written, like:
And there's a sadness in his smile.
There is a shadow in his light
Only Vampires may sleep where i make my home.
Where the colours of life fade on the wind.
You blow winds with no pain sailing upon them,
My quibbles:
Punctuation and grammar (tense, spelling) are inconsistent, especially in the 2nd stanza. Sentences are convoluted for no apparent reason.
I didn't like 'pretty butterfly' in the 3rd line, although it made some sense when I reread it. You use images of water, of a bird, of a flower. This may be a bit much. The water images are out of place, unless you use a phrase like 'pretty starfish'. If butterfly is to be used 'Monarch butterfly' may be better and makes an analogy with 'prince of dreams'
Didn't care for your use of 'vices' (either time). It doesn't add much unless you name a specific vice. 'Vice' feels abstract; 'cocaine', 'heroine', even 'lust', give more of a punch.
The use of 'i' annoys unless 1. there is no capitalization throughout or 2. you are specifically making a point re lack of self-esteem. It seems too apologetic for this piece.
I did like this and feel if the poetic problems can be fixed it would be even stronger. Thanks for the good read, Kåre.
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. Looks a bit like prose but it reads like poetry (different formatting or linebreaks may help) It has a certain cadence and near rhymes that really work. It needs an edit though to smooth it out. Small things... like shortening morning to 'morn', maybe cut 'on my day' and keeping 'all day long'. It will be a 4.5 poem once re-edited and smoothed out (so I'll rate it 4.5 now).
.