I like the flow and meter of this poem. The statements of the poem are strong, expressing concern for the nation and how it is being led today. You touched on a number of points and seemed to be fearing for the people and their survival in this economy. "At least we still seem to have some freedom of speech in this country."
The poem shows some strong feelings for another person. It appears this person is struggling with pain and the character wants to make sure they know someone cares. The fact that you posted it now after all these years tell me that you still have strong feelings about this person; be it as a lover or caretaker. Keep writing, your feelings come through in your work.
I loved this poem in all its gruesomeness. The rhyme and meter really moved it along in a good way. You showed the reader the feelings the victim was going through painfully and oddly sexual. We also felt regret when the 'deed was done' and the victim knew the struggle between life and death had ended and he was now nothing more than a body serving his controller. I liked the threat at the end 'might come for you'. You know how to keep a poem interesting, I was with it the entire time.
I liked this story and hoped it wasn't written from a personal experience. It's sad that so many young girls get caught up in this type of life and there are just as many men out there willing to take advantage of it. For me, the dialect was 'spot on' and it brought the story to life. Grandma Rose was sweet as most Grandmothers are; passing out words of wisdom but still loving their children no matter the path they choose. Keep writing for you can hook a reader, that's easy to tell.
This poem reminds me of some of the greats in my poem book. Although my small mind doesn't really absorb the meaning in poems of this nature, I do appreciate its descriptive verse.
I can feel the pain you were in when you wrote this poem. Don't all of us wish, at some point, we could take away those words or say something differently - but alas, we can't. All we can do is hope that there is forgiveness on the other side and maybe, just maybe, love can be found again. I liked the poem but felt that the meter could have been better and maybe it could have been spaced out more. That being said, you were able to portray the sentiment you were feeling so the reader understood the pain. Keep writing!
Thank you for your creative story. I think some of the descriptions you have, particularly in the first paragraph, really give the reader a sense of the cave and the elements around it. Some of the sentence structure seems awkward but that comes with experience. I once wrote a novel and all the dialog was written incorrectly. A couple of notes: 1) 1st paragraph. A young woman sit....I believe this should be sits. 2)Last paragraph. she tend to stand out....I believe this should be tended. Keep writing. You have the creative genius in you, now you just need to expand it further.
Beautiful. Descriptive. Informative. I think you nailed the Bald Eagle. In my home town we have many Bald Eagles who perch in trees on the river and dive for fish. On any particular day in the winter you can count as many as 10-12 in the tree below. I like the way you used words to describe their nest and surroundings. I could picture them perched there so high above. Poems of nature always take me to another place.
Good humor here, I had to chuckle at the ending - very creative! I hope this wasn't a true story though; if so, I feel sorry for the boy. Your humor will get you far in the writing world; especially if you can always get the reader with a 'zinger' at the end.
Sounds like this friend is a rollercoaster of emotions. Wondering if she is bi-polar. I like some of your phrases very much: Steal limelight, angry like wildfire - strangers dance, kids cry. You would certainly not be bored in life with a friend like that and I'm sure the friendship has its ups and downs. Good for you for understanding her and sticking by her side.
Your poem brings to mind a lot of things that one doesn't usually think about. I have felt at times that leaving a story or poem that meant something to me was almost sad, like losing a friend. We put so much of ourselves into those words. I like a person who has the ability to make someone feel 19 no matter how old they are.
This quite an imaginative story and actually highlighted some of the mistakes the country has made; past and future. I'm glad it was steampunk because I wouldn't want to have the US split up like that but good job for creating an interesting story.
I like your descriptive poem and I learned some things about Topaz that I did not know. It appears you have done your research on this subject and it shows.
I like the last two lines; they give a personal meaning to the gem and show the deep respect you have for it.
I was enchanted by your story. It seems you have researched the times you were writing in and I was easily taken there in my mind. Your descriptions, dialect, and script kept my attention throughout.
Good story line keeping the reader wondering how the story might end.
There is nothing I can critique, I think you hit the mark on this one.
I love this poem. It takes you to nature and soothes you with its words. I felt like I was there taking a walk with you; seeing, hearing, and feeling what you were describing.
You mention that the brook tells a story and I think likewise you've told one as well.
I was asked by a friend to help him write his story of addiction. It was intriguing but I knew it would have to be believable, totally honest. This meant that it might be embarrassing for the character and acquaintances may be angered by what was said. The only way I thought it could work was to not use their real name.
I didn't know how to start but your article gave me a lot of good ideas and I wanted to thank you for writing it.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
In my opinion, this is a sophisticated poem that uses a vessel to portray a person.
Rhyme & Meter:
The poem flowed well although I do not believe it to be a rhyming poem.
Grammar/Spelling:
I found no errors in grammar or spelling.
What I liked most:
What I liked most was that the poem immediately got my attention and I was anxious to read more. My take on the poem may be incorrect but this is what I took from it:
The person was lost and drifting in life just like a vessel without direction at sea.
He/She felt fragile, full of of fear, and drifted aimlessly through life. Then, from somewhere, hope and peace appeared and brought an end to all the suffering.
There was a sense that what was broken had now been repaired.
What I liked least:
I liked everything about it, there is no criticism from me.
Suggestions:
I hope to see more work from you. I believe you have greatness.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful. .......espero.
Overall Impression:
Overall this brief story summed up at lot of familiar information. Mew could have been my cat. You were able to give the reader an vivid impression of the antics of Mew along with a hint of humor.
Plot:
The writer gave an accurate portrait of cat behavior.
Characters:
Mew might be seen by some as a very unique cat. If you are a cat owner, you will know that she is true to her breed.
Grammar:
I found no errors in grammar but did find a couple of sentences that seemed awkward.
1) These few days. (Suggestion: During the next few days)
2) This early hour. (Suggestion: In the early hours of the morning)
Suggestions:
I noticed this was a contest which most likely accounts for the shortness of the story. I would like to see the writer expand the story at a later date as it's very entertaining and I think there's a lot more trouble Mew could get into.
I enjoyed the story very much.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful. .......espero.
Overall Impression:I think the imagination and writing are very good. As we all know, Flash Fiction word count limits our ability to tell the full story the way we might choose to do. I think a reviewer needs to take that into account.
{Plot:This was about a young virile man who believed in worldly powers. He was accompanied by his girlfriend, Morgana, who didn't believe in such things. The girlfriend was bored as Kevin continued to throw rocks at an old oak tree in the hopes that he could get a response from the tree. He mentions that he is ready to break up with his girlfriend but hasn't done so yet. He hoped that she would take the initiative to break up with him first. As he continued to thump rocks at the tree, he finally felt he was noticing a change in it. Suddenly a hole opens in the tree. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen is inside. Without thinking twice, he enters the tree. All thought of Morgana is gone from his mind. What transpired therein the tree is left to the reader's imagination as there is no more mention of what happened. I believe Kevin never returned from the tree and became trapped inside. Years later Morgana is plotting a payback for Kevin leaving her behind on that day. She wants to be the greatest witch who ever lived. My take of the story was that unknown to Kevin, Morgana had always been a witch and did believe in other worldly things all along. I think that she made the tree open up as a test of Kevin's devotion to her. When Kevin took the bait and never looked back, Morgana realized that he didn't care for her. Now, years later, she is getting her revenge. There was a reference made that she would get Kevin back, dead or alive. This leads one to believe that he is still alive in the other world.
Dialogue:There was no dialogue in this story.
Grammar:I only saw one thing. Morgana was not capalized toward the end of the story.
Suggestions:Good story for the limited word count that you were given. It definitely made the reader think and try to figure out what might have happened after he entered the tree.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful. .......espero.
Overall Impression:OMG. First of all, I was drawn to the story-poem by the clever title. What can I say about this poem? I laughed all the way through it at the one liners you have written. I could have been watching a stand up comedian on stage just spitting out one liners, it was that funny, inventive, and genius. It occurred to me that this would make a great children's book. It would also be a learning tool for children to be introduced to WWII.
{Plot:This was about a group of animals in the woodland who decided to band together and help out the war effort. They organized, and fearlessly pushed forward. They were recognized for their effort. Here is just a short list of some of the lines that I thought were genius.
1) are you a but but but butterfly
2) reply: no, I'm a margarine fly. Butter is rationed.
3) Winston the Badger, Prime Minister of the Wood
4) The Woodland Brigade
5) Wing Commander Goss Hawk
6) WAF: Woodland Air Force
7) Bomber Command: 131 dirty old crows
8) This is a great line: War brings together that which peace divides
9) paragophers (seriously, how did you think of this?)
10) skunks with poisonous gas
11) practice swooping and pooping
12) SHS: Special hare service
Anyone who doesn't get to read this is missing out on a great piece. Thank you for allowing me to read it.
Characters:Woodland creatures.
Dialogue:Flawless.
Grammar:I didn't find anything wrong with the grammar or structure of the piece. I didn't know what form of story-poem this would be but it didn't matter to me as I enjoyed the entire thing.
Suggestions:I couldn't possibly give you any suggestions but you may want to give some to me. I wish I had half of the ingenity and imagination that you have. This story-poem deserves an award.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful. .......espero.
Overall Impression:First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for the imagination and creativity you had to write this story. That being said, the story needs work in structure and grammar.
{Plot:The story begins with a couple who plan to have a party. They decide they need lamps for the party so off they go to the lamp store. After discovering that most of the lamps are too expensive they are led to the basement where they find a lamp with six skulls on it. They buy the lamp for $50 and take it home. When Deborah wishes that her son Mark wouldn't have to take a test so that he could come to the party, Mark suddenly calls and says his test was cancelled. A skull disappeared from the lamp. The dog was very sick and they wish he would get better. The dog gets better and another skull disappears from the lamp. Rain is predicted on the day of the party. They wish for no rain and the sun comes out. Yet another skull disappears. Now they realize the lamp is granting their wishes. They wish to know what the Chinese writing on the lamp means. The doorbell rings telling them to go to a Chinese psychic. When the psychic sees the lamp she is terrified and tells them a family is trapped inside, to bury the lamp and never think of it again. They go to the graveyard, bury the lamp and head home. When they get home, their son Mark is standing there with the lamp in his hands. Steve grabs the lamp and it drops and shatters releasing six people trapped inside. Steve, Deborah, Mark, and the dog all become trapped in the lamp. The escaped family locks the lamp in the attic and takes on the identity of Steve, Deborah, and Mark.
Characters:The family of Steve, Deborah and Mark deal with the cursed lamp. A psychic who tells them about the lamp.
Dialogue:The dialogue needs a lot of work.
Grammar:There are quite a few things to work on in this story. Here are just some that I picked out.
1) My wife her name is Deborah (probably should be comma after wife)
2) I new (I knew)
3) Yes I like it how much (comma after it)
4) You always want to start a new paragraph when the next person speaks. (Don't worry, I did the same thing myself in writing my novel. I wish I would have had someone point it out to me before I published it.)
5) much more than lamps there were antiques (probably need semicolon or comma after lamps)
6) tv's,coffins, etc. (you need a space after the commas)
7) it was Red and green. (you don't need to capitalize Red unless it's at the beginning of a sentence)
8) $50 deal..... (sentence structure needs a lot of work)
9) your welcome (you're welcome)
There are many more things I could point out but I think you get the idea. Please know that I am not here to criticize. I know that there are a lot of rules in grammar and it takes practice and study to get them all correct.
Suggestions:I think the best thing you can do to improve your writing is take a few of the awesome Academy classes. I intend to do this as well. You won't get a better learning experience for the cost. Keep writing, you have the imagination, now all you need is to put it all together. Read your story out loud several times or have someone else read it for you. I think that will help greatly.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful. .......espero.
Overall Impression:The story had a lot of elements that keeps a reader interested in a story. Fear, pain, mystery, sorrow. The opening paragraph made the reader want to find out more.
{Plot:A village was completely massacred by an unknown force leaving one lone survivor. As he questions why this had happened to his people you can feel his pain and sense of loss. He wanders the country and happens upon another village but even though he is lonely, he is also afraid. Now the writer brings in a mystery. Would they accept him or hurt him? Curiosity overcomes his fear and he ventures closer and closer to the village. He find they are very much like him and his people. The reader experiences his sadness. Watching the people from a distance brings back memories of his own people who are now all gone. We feel excitement. What will happen when he has a close encounter with one of the people, a female. An element of romance in the story as he realizes the female watches him and seems to always keep him in her sight. He kills a rabbit and brings it to her as an offering. Little by little he infiltrates the village and the people seem to accept him there. Disappointment and fear once again visit the reader and this village is also massacred. We think that he will save the girl but in the end, she too is murdered. Now we are left with another mystery. Who is killing the people and why? How does the man survive when no one else can?
Characters:The is only one main character; the man who watches villages be destroyed. The writer brings in a village and a girl from the village but they remain in the background.
Dialogue:Very little dialogue in the story.
Grammar:I only noticed a few things:
got shot down - getting shot down. These two sentences stood out as one followed the other with almost the same phrase 'shot down".
gotten up shared a complimentary 'moron'. (I wondered if there should be a , after up)
case they feel threatened (possibly felt threatened?)
Suggestions:This story begs for a continuation. The reader will want to know more about what is going on. The only other suggestion I could offer is always to read your piece out loud several time. I think this is an interesting story to expand on.
. This review reflects my opinion only, I am not a writing expert. I hope you find this review helpful!.....Espero
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:I really enjoyed this poem even though it was dark and moody. There was so much underlying emotion in the phrases and it made the reader stop and think about what I believed was the hidden message. I am not an expert on the various styles of poetry so I'm not sure if this is considered free verse or a different style. That being said, I felt that it flowed well and had a poetic feel to it.
If I interpreted it correctly, I think the writer was describing the feelings of a young clerk in a store who may be having a hard time adjusting to life in a city. An unfeeling city of metal and cement with lonely people crowding the streets; all going about their business, unconcerned with the lives of others. Stores who manipulate people to buy things that may not live up to the advertising. As she works, she dreams of her mother. I think she misses home. Thinking about being in a city, I can relate to the sentiments in this poem. It seems like everyone is busy with their own life and detached from what others are doing. So much hustle and bustle, so much activity, not much love and compassion.
Rhyme & Meter:This was not really a rhyming poem but again, it flowed well to me as a reader.
Grammar/Spelling:There were no errors that I could find in the piece.
What I liked most: I liked that the writer waited until the last stanza to reveal the character.
What I liked least:There was nothing about it that I liked least, it all was well written and had something powerful to say.
Suggestions:I believe that you have a poetic soul and should do well as a poet. Likewise, I like reading stories that also have an emotional and poetic feeling to them. You are well on your way!
Thank you for sharing your poem!!!!!
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