Hey, Black! I think I see what you were trying to write, but there were a couple of simple writing errors. In some places where you meant to have an apostrophe, you had a comma. Also, you had a couple of run on sentences. Putting a period in some places will greatly improve your story. This is what I got from what I read: That you were tired of people judging you (or your character) based on your color. I'm not sure what you meant that you were a juggalo? Did you mean gigolo? I'm not sure I even spelled that right. You've got some cool ideas, but they don't flow as well as one would hope. Also, you might try changing your title or adding to it. It doesn't really go with the content of your story. I hope this has been helpful!
Thanks so much for all the helpful ways to do this! I'd click on so many links on how to create links and often I've just been left feeling confused! Thanks so much!
Ah cool! I really liked this although I clicked on your other story? I don't know what happened. But this was really awesome! I liked how you started out describing out the scenery almost as a war zone, but really it's like a football(?) field. I liked the line, "a common bond works as a shield." I really thought that was cool and it connects the story beautifully. Really well written! Also, I loved how it rhymed! I haven't seen quite a few rhymed poems in a while.
This story was really awesome! I've never read anything quite like it before. Where the hero tells the real story. I liked how you described each of the three brothers- except for Alryk. His part seemed a little repetitive. The last couple of paragraphs you switched between present and past tense, which makes it hard to read. I loved Kaltor and how you perfectly described him. He was truly a villain that I wanted to hate. It's truly a good story. I read your introduction and what you'd be adding to it, but I don't think you need it. You might overwhelm the story with all the details you plan to add. I felt you told the prophecy really well and explained everyone's role the best you could! It's an awesome story! Well written too.
Wow! You're words were so descriptive and sharp! I loved how you described life like an icecream cone and we're all sweeping through rancid ice cream! Who does that?! :p The story was incredible and every second I was worried that this man was going to have a mental breakdown, but it had already occurred! Beautifully written & such a great story!
Beautifully written!! I like the story you tell and how comfortable the character (you?) is with herself.
This was my favorite part because it so captures what I think teenagers go through. Including me.
The injustice and rage
At things I would change
The fury and heartbreak
Of love's silly game
It's really cool how you finish the story as though it's not ending but just beginning. It's an optimistic view on life in general. Beautiful! The only part I did not get is the second line: Too tired or claws? help me understand?
Cool story! I loved that last line! & I liked how you described the whole thing as if you had a physical illness, but then you were just sick-ing for love and attention. I thought that was pretty awesome! However, it definitely needs a little tweaking. I.e. missing words and articles.
Here, is where I found something:
I just want to get rid of such infection, (add an before infection: to get rid of such AN infection)
Without seeking a doctor for medication
To diagnose me of my real health problem, (i'd take out health in this line because it doesn't quite flow with the rest of the poem)
And prescribe doses of medicine.
Also, For the sight of the syringe just make me more ill. MAKES me more ill.
Hey! I thought this was pretty good, but only needs a little cleaning up. I thought what you wanted to say was good, but the lines were a little long. Also you could do a back and for question and answer dialogue.
You could try:
What is love?
Is it what a person feels when they care for someone?
Is it happiness?
It is sweet ignorant bliss from the opinions of others.
Is it eternity?
I say love is not one of those things.
It is a dream
A tragedy
A harsh lesson taught
Is it the right of passage?
It is only an allusion.
There's no eternal love. Love is finite
It will not last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.
Please, don't take this in an offensive way. It is just my opinion.
Whoa!That's a really cool story!! The only think I had in my is not have so much outside dialogue explaining her world. Don't tell us that the world she lives in is weird and brutal, SHOW it to us. You could also tell us through the characters themselves. Like Athenais could be talking to someone and they could say, "remember when this happened..."
Show us, don't tell us! But really awesome story! I'm going to read the 2nd chapter right after dinner lol
Whoa, creepy! This was pretty awesome, however, I was confused throughout. Your quotations and these little marks (') just threw me off as to if the narrator was speaking, if the thugs were speaking... it was kind of messy. Just do some editing on that and your golden! Great story!
WELCOME TO WRITING.COM!!!! You're story was so good! My eyes were darting around the page going from place to place like what's going to happen?! It was kind of eerie too. Absolutely awesome!! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is so cool! I interpreted it as a girl on more of a emotional journey. Being stuck in one emotion. Like she's running away to physical locations but she can never escape her own mind! That is really good! Really loved it and think it's awesome you left it to interpretation. What were your motivations behind it?
Wow! I think you have something here, but it took me a while to get it. Call me slow :p. I thought it was good but random at parts. I think you need to connect your ideas more, but the pace of the story was perfect. The ending was fantastic and how the woman changed was pretty cool. I was a little confused though too though. Is it the same woman the whole time or as the car changes, she does too? I like it, but I think you need to clear some things up!
OH MY GOSH!!!! That's it. Freaking amazing! Cute and to the point and everything was fast and slow at the same time. The only thing I thought was that the last part where it starts, "Funny she was..." toward his parts it becomes muddled. Put some space in there and be clearer. Take out stupid because it seems too modern and doesn't quite flow with the story. You are incredible! Write on!!
That was incredible! I really felt as though I was with you. Your words were warm and pulled me in from the first line. It was truly... peaceful. I enjoyed that a lot!
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