Awww this was really cute but from the beginning I was a little skeptical. I wasn't sure if you were going for free verse or whether you were just rhyming. You didn't really stick with one. I like the last stanza and ending. Beautifully, beautifully, beautifully put.
First grasp of fingers holding tight.
First kiss upon your cheek ... so light.
First breath. He took your breath away!
First mem'ry of that special day.
When you became the world for him
and he the sighing of your soul.
Hey this seems like a cool story, but the wording is weak. You have multiple run on sentences and it greatly weakens what you are trying to say. Also, the dialogue isn't very natural. It seems kinda stiff as if you're trying to hard. I love the last sentence though. That should stay exactly the way it is, but take out just:" he had given me everything I wanted and more." I think it's stronger that way.
Whoa! That was soooo good! I was confused at first going back and forth between he said, she said but once I got to the end, I got it! That is really really good. Kinda dark but in a good way. You should check out Bambigirl's page. You two would have a party :)
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