Hi ShadowMouse,

Overall Impression: The description for this story worked perfectly. It hinted at what was to come without revealing any of the details. Overall the story was told well, save for the issues I will go into in the grammar section. It's a cute story. At first, while I saw the merit of the story, I didn't see anything special about it; the last section, however, is what really made the story for me. Siya is an explorer at heart. She wants to see all the wonders the world holds. But like a moth to flame, she sees the beauty, not the danger. So yes, while a spirit of adventure is a good thing, the rules, as you say, are there for a reason.

Grammar and Mechanics: Other than one incorrect tense (freed instead of free) and one double negative (didn't tell us hardly) all the issues in the story are issues of language which is either redundant, passive, or not concise enough.

Section 1
Paragraph 1: Siya fanned her still damp wings and looked about her [around] curiously. So many things [much] to see, and so much to learn. All around her others were emerging [they emerged] from their cocoon-like homes and fanning [fanned] their wings to dry them also [themselves]. And all were looking around them with the same wonderment on their faces. - This is an issue of passive voice. I haven't studied the issue with passive voice fully, so I apologize if my explanation isn't as clear as it could be. Basically you want to use an active, more direct voice whenever possible. Be direct and concise in your wording.

Paragraph 3: Lessons began that very morning. Siya was frequently in trouble, as her curiosity often led her to daydreaming[ ]and inattention to the lesson. - The comma separation is not needed between "daydreaming" & "and inattention".

Paragraph 4: Finally, classes were over, and all the new nymphets [nymphs] were freed [free] to be on their own. - There is a distinct difference between nymph and nymphet, a nymphet being a sexually attractive young woman or sexually precocious girl barely in her teens, whereas a nymph is the is the type of creature being referred to here.

Paragraph 6: Siya was annoyed. “I want to see everything there is to see. You know they didn’t tell us hardly [told us] anything about what’s outside the forest. I want to know!” - Not sure if "didn't hardly" is technically a double negative, but it amounts to the same thing. "Didn't hardly" means they didn't barely, which implies they told Siya a lot... which is the exact opposite of the what the message here is supposeed to mean. "They hardly told us" is the correct phrasing to use in this passage.

Section 2
Paragraph 1, sentence 4: The sky was.... As she snuggled in, she chanced to look up at the sky, and what she beheld there had her gasping in wonder. - Since it's clear she's looking at the sky, there's no need to specify there. Be concise, get rid of unnecessary words whenever possible.

Paragraph 2: No longer tired, Siya flew off of the bush, and headed towards those beautiful points of light. - "Headed towards" is redundant as "towards" means the exact same thing. Avoid redundancies.

Paragraph 3: Not long [much] later, Siya alit upon a blade of tall-growing grass and looked around herself. The lights were still there, in the sky, but seemed to be no closer. She sighed, again tired and aching. - Either use "not long after" or "not much later", but don't mix the phases. And make sure to keep your language concise. "The lights were still in the sky", not "still there, in the sky".

Paragraph 4, sentence 3: As Siya flew.... Excited, she flew toward it, her gaze riveted on it, her heart filled with the wonder and excitement of this moment. - The intention is to show the wonder and excitement of the moment, but it's clear that the wonderment is happening in the moment without writing "of this moment". Instead of adding to the image those extra words actually detract from it. Use concise language and the image of Siya's wonder and excitement will be a much more powerful image.

Section 3
Sentence 3: The middle-aged farmer walked out onto his deep-set porch to enjoy the early night air before heading off to his bed for some well-deserved rest. As he headed toward his porch swing he noticed his cat pawing at something on the boards. Reaching over, he pulled the animal back so he could see what she was playing with. Bending carefully to avoid hitting his head on the bug zapper hanging there, he surveyed the charred body with disgust. - There's no need to specify the bug zapper is hanging there, as it's implied from the phrasing of the sentence. In this instance "headed toward" is allowed because the phrasing of the sentence won't work otherwise.

Final Thoughts: Though Siya's charred remains are, on the one hand, tragic, it's hard not to see the humor in the situation.

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Hi Joto-Kai,

Overall Impression: This was an interesting story. Not quite what I was expecting based on the title of the piece, but it works nonetheless. The opening scene: a man, later named as Harvey, has been the victim of a robbery. I wasn't familiar with the term scratcher tickets, so I had to look it up; figures it'd be something as simple as lottery tickets (learn something new every day ). So Harvey is working in a convenience store, based on the details. I particularly liked his narrative voice. It kind of had that feel of an old school detective story, only it's Harvey's wife that's the cop, not him. So what makes this a good narrative? Harvey comes across as a storyteller, in this instance not one who tells fiction, but one who tells it like it is. He describes the events with color. Harvey is undoubtedly the central character in the story, but even the minor characters: Sydney, his boss who is only introduced briefly, Bernie, the sympathetic bartender, and the loudmouth Sam, are all vital to the story. Each of them causes a very unique reaction in Harvey when he interacts with them. Each gives a greater sense of who Harvey is as a person.

Initially Harvey anxieties seem directly related to the robbery, but as the story progresses, it seems whatever pressure has been mounting on Harvey's mind has been effecting him well before the robbery took place. The robbery is simply a catalyst for the events that are soon to come. Likely, if not for the robbery, something else would have set off the scene that occurs between Harvey and his wife. Harvey has been having nightmares, most recently about killing his wife, or at the very least seeing his wife dead. There is a violent steak in him, which comes to the surface when he (ineffectually) attacks his wife. Harvey feels if he is losing it, and is afraid of what he might do. The solution to first hide, then lock away the knives in his house, is the only thing he feels he's capable of doing to keep himself in check.

The encounter in the kitchen, though tragic, had to happen. Something had to give. Harvey's wife was smothering him. In trying to protect him, she only harmed him farther. While she took his pills knowingly, she wasn't aware he knew she'd threatened his shrink to stop seeing him as a patient. It all comes out, and he's finally able to express his anger and frustration. The reader finally sees why Harvey is angry at his wife, why he hates her a little bit, even though he loves her. He tries so hard to help himself, but she won't let him, thinking he's stronger without the pills and the shrink, but really because she's afraid too, afraid that the pills will do to him what it did to the last man in her life. Helen/Fiona, and her secrets and fears, only compounds Harvey's suffering. In trying to avoid history repeating itself, she only makes things worse. In the end, Harvey ends up in the hospital from a knife wound. Ironic that the woman who worked so hard to protect her husband is the same person who inflicts the injury. While it's not clear if Helen's former identity as Fiona has been revealed to the police, she has to answer for the attack (intentional or not) on her husband. What makes the end of the story interesting, is that even while Helen is being taken away, her first concern is still towards her husband. True she had stabbed him with the knife, but that was an instinctive response to him rushing at her. And despite it all, Harvey still loves his wife. The resolution between them perhaps comes a bit too late, but it comes nonetheless. Despite the fractures, whatever wounds Harvey suffered (physical or emotional) can finally begin healing.

Favorite Line(s): Bernie looked me in the eye and fought off a tremor. "Ugh. Yeah, I can see it. You need something a little harder than this." followed by He hit the spot so hard, I had to laugh to shake it off. "Ha. That's what she says." - Just because (and assuming this was intentional) you manged to work a "that's what she said" joke into an otherwise serious story. If it wasn't intentional, hey, unintentional humor works great too.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Section 1, Paragraph 4: I could have toughed it out, but I did not want to face one more clueless Joe saying "Gimme 'All The Money'" scratcher tickets. - I was a little unclear about this. I'm not sure if the clueless Joe's are asking for all the money and scratcher tickets, or if 'All the Money' is the brand of scratcher tickets. Either way, the closing double quotes should be after tickets. If an and is necessary, put it in, if not, leave it out.

Section 2, Paragraph 23: I got to bed and put in the Serenity CD. It didn't play. I pulled it out. It had been scored with a knife. Growling, I threw the Discman at the wall, rebounding [it] into the trash. - Without the word it after rebounding, it almost sounds like Harvey is rebounding into the trash, as opposed to the Discman.

Section 4, Paragraph 3: Behind me, Sam, the local loudmouth, spoke. "Everybody, can I have your attention please[.]" Sam said. - If it's already indicated that Same spoke, it's unnecessary to end with Sam said.

Section 5, Paragraph 12: I remembered a television show, about a man who'd hit bottom, throwing all the booze in the kitchen away. "That's it. [If] I can't control myself, maybe I can control my environment." - The dialogue makes more sense if you add the word If at its start.

Section 8, Paragraph 3: "You love her. I understand. It’s going to take some time. I'll just leave my card here in case there's anything you want to tell me, later[.]" - Missing period.

Final Thoughts: I actually had a lot more I could potentially say about this story, but after a while the length of a review can be a bit excessive. Hopefully I covered all the important stuff, and didn't overanalyze others. This was written really well. Other than a couple minor grammatical ticks, I can't suggest much as far as room for improvement.

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Hi Joto-Kai,

Overall Impression: This was an interesting story. Not quite what I was expecting based on the title of the piece, but it works nonetheless. The opening scene: a man, later named as Harvey, has been the victim of a robbery. I wasn't familiar with the term scratcher tickets, so I had to look it up; figures it'd be something as simple as lottery tickets (learn something new every day ). So Harvey is working in a convenience store, based on the details. I particularly liked his narrative voice. It kind of had that feel of an old school detective story, only it's Harvey's wife that's the cop, not him. So what makes this a good narrative? Harvey comes across as a storyteller, in this instance not one who tells fiction, but one who tells it like it is. He describes the events with color. Harvey is undoubtedly the central character in the story, but even the minor characters: Sydney, his boss who is only introduced briefly, Bernie, the sympathetic bartender, and the loudmouth Sam, are all vital to the story. Each of them causes a very unique reaction in Harvey when he interacts with them. Each gives a greater sense of who Harvey is as a person.

Initially Harvey anxieties seem directly related to the robbery, but as the story progresses, it seems whatever pressure has been mounting on Harvey's mind has been effecting him well before the robbery took place. The robbery is simply a catalyst for the events that are soon to come. Likely, if not for the robbery, something else would have set off the scene that occurs between Harvey and his wife. Harvey has been having nightmares, most recently about killing his wife, or at the very least seeing his wife dead. There is a violent steak in him, which comes to the surface when he (ineffectually) attacks his wife. Harvey feels if he is losing it, and is afraid of what he might do. The solution to first hide, then lock away the knives in his house, is the only thing he feels he's capable of doing to keep himself in check.

The encounter in the kitchen, though tragic, had to happen. Something had to give. Harvey's wife was smothering him. In trying to protect him, she only harmed him farther. While she took his pills knowingly, she wasn't aware he knew she'd threatened his shrink to stop seeing him as a patient. It all comes out, and he's finally able to express his anger and frustration. The reader finally sees why Harvey is angry at his wife, why he hates her a little bit, even though he loves her. He tries so hard to help himself, but she won't let him, thinking he's stronger without the pills and the shrink, but really because she's afraid too, afraid that the pills will do to him what it did to the last man in her life. Helen/Fiona, and her secrets and fears, only compounds Harvey's suffering. In trying to avoid history repeating itself, she only makes things worse. In the end, Harvey ends up in the hospital from a knife wound. Ironic that the woman who worked so hard to protect her husband is the same person who inflicts the injury. While it's not clear if Helen's former identity as Fiona has been revealed to the police, she has to answer for the attack (intentional or not) on her husband. What makes the end of the story interesting, is that even while Helen is being taken away, her first concern is still towards her husband. True she had stabbed him with the knife, but that was an instinctive response to him rushing at her. And despite it all, Harvey still loves his wife. The resolution between them perhaps comes a bit too late, but it comes nonetheless. Despite the fractures, whatever wounds Harvey suffered (physical or emotional) can finally begin healing.

Favorite Line(s): Bernie looked me in the eye and fought off a tremor. "Ugh. Yeah, I can see it. You need something a little harder than this." followed by He hit the spot so hard, I had to laugh to shake it off. "Ha. That's what she says." - Just because (and assuming this was intentional) you manged to work a "that's what she said" joke into an otherwise serious story. If it wasn't intentional, hey, unintentional humor works great too.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Section 1, Paragraph 4: I could have toughed it out, but I did not want to face one more clueless Joe saying "Gimme 'All The Money'" scratcher tickets. - I was a little unclear about this. I'm not sure if the clueless Joe's are asking for all the money and scratcher tickets, or if 'All the Money' is the brand of scratcher tickets. Either way, the closing double quotes should be after tickets. If an and is necessary, put it in, if not, leave it out.

Section 2, Paragraph 23: I got to bed and put in the Serenity CD. It didn't play. I pulled it out. It had been scored with a knife. Growling, I threw the Discman at the wall, rebounding [it] into the trash. - Without the word it after rebounding, it almost sounds like Harvey is rebounding into the trash, as opposed to the Discman.

Section 4, Paragraph 3: Behind me, Sam, the local loudmouth, spoke. "Everybody, can I have your attention please[.]" Sam said. - If it's already indicated that Same spoke, it's unnecessary to end with Sam said.

Section 5, Paragraph 12: I remembered a television show, about a man who'd hit bottom, throwing all the booze in the kitchen away. "That's it. [If] I can't control myself, maybe I can control my environment." - The dialogue makes more sense if you add the word If at its start.

Section 8, Paragraph 3: "You love her. I understand. It’s going to take some time. I'll just leave my card here in case there's anything you want to tell me, later[.]" - Missing period.

Final Thoughts: I actually had a lot more I could potentially say about this story, but after a while the length of a review can be a bit excessive. Hopefully I covered all the important stuff, and didn't overanalyze others. This was written really well. Other than a couple minor grammatical ticks, I can't suggest much as far as room for improvement.

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Hi Unnatural,

Overall Impression: An interesting story. The descriptions, particularly in the first paragraph were done really well. The clicking of the heels against tile floors, and the ticking of the clock were great at displaying a use of sound within the story. Foreshadowing with ghostly eyes was a nice touch, I only wish you hadn't used a girl dies but does not know it for the description. What works well in a story of this type is not revealing details too soon. While there may be readers who will recognize this is a ghost story right away, you don't want to tell people Veronica is dead before the story begins. The reader should learn about her death on their own. I strongly suggest using a different description. The deafening tick (returning to the stronger elements of the story) works wonderfully well for two reasons. First, it's that infuriated tick of the clock that frustrates Veronica to no end, second, like the clock, her life is ticking away. It is through Veronica's ghostly eyes that the events play out. Though removed from it, all the events occurring took place around and because of her. Without Veronica there is no story, or at least a story that doesn't have the same power.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 1, sentences 4 & 7: My paces.... My ghostly grey eyes flickered towards the clock once more, it’s [its] slow painful ticking taking a toll on my sanity.... They spoke in hushed tones to one another, my mother silently crying as my Grandmother [grandmother] did her best to console her. - It's means it is or it has. Grandmother is not a name, and therefore not written with an uppercase G.

Paragraph 2: One by one family members and friends walked in at the odd hour of the night, each face grim and set in stone and sorrow but not once did they look my way, it being [was] as if they blamed me before they even knew [for] what had happened. It’s an odd thing, people. How in the dead of night they answer their phones, it being as if they knew it were [was] going to be bad news. And despite what they were doing, whether it being sleeping, drinking or making love[,] they each come half dressed and half awake. It’s the time [when] you realize who is truly your friend and who just uses you, which if you ask me[,] is a sick way of finding out. - There's a lot of odd phrasing in this paragraph. Not sure why the phrase it being is used so much, as it doesn't fit any of the times it's used. Not keen on the phrase before they even knew either. It sounds like you're alluding to Veronica thinking she's being blamed for the accident before they knew it was her fault, but it makes more sense for her to think they're already blaming her for what happened.

Paragraph 5, last sentence: Us sneaking.... Going around the bend and[--] - Use a long dash when cutting short a thought or speech, not a short dash.

Paragraph 8: “Mom.” My voice cracked as I called out to her, her eyes not glancing up to [at] me. No one did looked at me. - The word did serves no purpose here.

Paragraph 10: I took a step towards her just as the doors around [behind] us opened, all of us turning around. - If the doors open around them, why would they turn around? The door needs to open behind the family for them to turn around.

Paragraph 12: He spoke softly, voice low and full of sadness but with a glimmer of hope. “Kerry pulled through[,]” He [he] said, his words taking me by surprise. - When connecting direct speech to dialogue, use a comma and lowercase he. Think of it as a single sentence.

Paragraph 16: My breath caught in my throat as I twirled around staring wide eyed at my Grandmother [grandmother]. “I’m right here!” I looked back at the surgeon, [a] pleading look on my face. “I’m right here, tell them I’m fine!” My words echoed around us as [me] but for them the silence ached on. - Grandmother is not a name, and therefore not written with an uppercase G. Make sure to include the word a in the sentence sentence, or the sentence will sound off. Lastly, Veronica's words are only echoing around her, not the others. Even if she's not yet aware she's dead, it's evident by her saying silence ached on for everyone else.

Final Thoughts: Not sure how much of this was intentional, but Victoria shows all 5 stages of grief and loss, though perhaps with some variation. Straight off, she's clearly showing denial, unwilling to admit to herself she has passed on. She displays anger when she thinks about the people who didn't come to the hospital, anger at being ignored by her family. Then she tries bargaining when she's begging her mother for forgiveness. Denial again when her mother asks the doctor about her. She refuses to believe she was affected by the accident. After the doctor tells the mother that she didn't make it, Victoria steps back in horror, perhaps a fleeting moment of denial again, before depression, that sense of loss overtakes her; she is empty. And then the final line: "Three am and I am dead." Perhaps not acceptance in the strictest sense of the word, but at the very least, it is admission of her death.

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Hi Dave,

Overall Impression: A wonderfully vivid and descriptive story. This story is very much about setting, so much so that the man, in many ways, is secondary to his environment. This is a world trapped in darkness. The cause? Unknown. Like the light itself, the reason the world is trapped in gray ash is a distant memory, if that. Likely, the man has forgotten why the world was plunged into darkness. He lives each moment, knife in his hand, fighting to live. His existence has become watching for enemies around every corner and always looking for the next meal. It's a dark and gritty story. At first it's difficult to feel compassion for the man with the knife because he barely seems human. In that brief flash of light though, when he is given the opportunity to see what has been lost, his humanity comes to the surface, and it's hard not to feel compassion for him. That moment of beauty, where the sun peaks through the ash is enough. Though the memory of light is quickly forgotten by the man with the knife as he continues his struggle to survive, to the reader the moment remains. Here was a man who under normal circumstance would be just as human as the rest of us. And the reminder is that if someone like him can exist under such conditions, how many others like him are trapped in the same dark grim world?

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Hi Rhyan,

Overall Impression: I like the concept of the story. What he have here is the story of a young man trapped inside himself. At first he thinks something is watching him, something that means him harm. The narrator describes himself as a bit of a sociopath. He doesn't care much about the world around him, only enough to try and blend in. He manipulates and lies to people so they can't see what he really is. Ultimately he discovered he's the one causing the harm. The narrator has at some point trapped his real self within him, and he must give up him own life to let his real self live. It's a great concept for a story but unfortunately, there are so many unclear passages in the narrative, it's difficult to comprehend the story without actively thinking about it and trying to figure out what you mean to say. There were a few areas where I had to use a bit of guess work to understand the story. It actually reminds me a bit of a published short story I read by Charles Yu. I stumbled across a book of his in the library titled Third Class Superhero. The book is a collection of short stories, some good, some mediocre. One of the ones that stood out was a short story titled: "The Man Who Became Himself". In Yu's story, the title character is not one who has been living the life of a pretender, at least not in the same way. Rather, he becomes self aware, finding himself trapped inside another person. The story is about this man trying to escape from within another. It's definitely worth the read.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 3: This way I was able.... A few [Some] of them were dangerous as they somewhat saw [had a sense of] what I was doing, but in the end I only got better because of that [that only made it easier for me to hide my true nature]. I wonder if there was someone [anyone] who really knew me. Not because I was a weird person, or a really complex person[,] just because the live [life] I lived was not mine. - Somewhat saw seems like an awkward way of saying the narrator had friends who could sense what he is. The third sentence should use paired commas for this reason: Not because I was a weird person, just because the life I lived was not mine. The third part of that sentence is a direct extension of the first part of the sentence, not simply a related clause. Also, there's a typo in the last sentence.

Paragraph 5: There was even a girl; she knew me perfectly well, except for the little fact that she didn’t [really] know ME [me]. That’s probably the point [when I understood] I couldn’t return anymore [go back]. It’s also the point I finally started realising [realised] something was off. The girl noticed too, and we broke up because we both felt bad because of it. - The preferred method of emphasize is to italicize, otherwise it comes across as if the word is being shouted. Although, based on the context of the sentence, I would go as far as saying it should be written like this: There was a girl; she knew me perfectly well, except for the fact that she didn't really know me, the real me. Finally, where couldn't narrator couldn't return anymore? To his home? To his friends? The relationship with the girl? To being a child? Your readers are generally not going to think the same way you do so try to be as clear as possible. I think couldn't go back works better than couldn't return anymore, but it's still not very clear what's being said.

Paragraph 6: My sleeping problems got worse. When I did sleep [slept], I had alot [a lot] of dreams, dreams in which everything at first glance seemed normal [at first glance]. There was just something that was awfully WRONG [wrong] in those dreams, something that was watching me. - I suggest moving at first glance to the end of the sentence to make it a more fluid read. Otherwise, commas will be needed around the phrase and it will come across as a much stiffer sentence. "A lot" is always two words. Feel free to petition the dictionaries if you want this to become a single word, but "alot" has never been considered a real word. Also, the preferred method of emphasize is to italicize, otherwise it comes across as if the word is being shouted.

Paragraph 7, sentences 2-8: I found myself.... I was eating breakfast, my dad was surfing the internet [Internet] and my sisters were watching something stupid on the television. I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Something, someone, was watching, and it was wrong. Remembering that I have more dreams [how vivid my dreams tend to be], I figured it probably was another one [I was probably still dreaming]. I do have a little bit of conciousness [retain some awareness] when I’m asleep, so it would be highly [was] possible that I was actually sleeping. I wanted to make sure though. I remembered a commonly known fact about dreaming: you can't read in a dream. The brain can’t make up a story fast enough, so even if you pick up a book and open it[,] it just won’t make sense. - What does the amount of dreams the narrator has have to do with anything? I think you mean the vividness of the dreams. The sentence should reflect how much the dreams seem like the waking world, not the frequency of the dreams. Also, a bit of consciousness implies the narrator is partially awake, when the implication is not that he's partially awake, rather that he has a certain level of awareness, that he either knows when he's in a dream, has some control over the dream, or both. I have to disagree with the commonly known fact that you can't read in a dream as I've been able to read in dreams before. So take that dream experts! Likely it's not that people can't read in dreams, rather that most people can't read in dreams, and those who can read in dreams read a few words or phrases but wouldn't be able to read anything in great detail. Also, Internet is always written with an upper case I.

Paragraph 8: A few weeks passed.... Suddenly I was aware of everything around me: the sun shining outside, warming the room to just a bit more than comfortable; the teacher[']s nervousness towards an unpredictable class; the boy next to me having a hard time waking up; the girls behind me laughing at a stupid joke of the boy behind them, probably about the sleeping boy; and… Something [something] else. - When referring to one teacher, it's teacher's with an apostrophe s at the end. Teachers means two or more teachers. Also, Don't cap the word something as it's a continuation of the last sentence, not a new sentence.

Paragraph 9: I was lucky that day, as it [the feeling] passed before I got all paranoid [paranoia could take hold]. I still had an image to hold high in class; or more accurate[ly], I still cared for things like that. But it happened often now. It was not something I could get used to, as it grew worse every time it happened. I had no idea what was happening to me. I figured I should talk about it with someone, but as I tried it happened again… it did not want me to talk about it with someone. - It happened? What happened? The heightened awareness? Paranoia? If so, how would heightened awareness or paranoia keep him from talking? Be more specific. And if it's something other than heightened awareness or paranoia, that needs to be shown more clearly.

Paragraph 10, sentences 7-9: So I was.... In the end I’d just stay in my room unless I absolutely had to go somewhere, I didn’t even browse the internet [Internet] for a solution anymore. There was no point in that anyway. I am [as] sure there is no solution on the internet [Internet], as I am sure that if there was, the thing in me would just prevent me from finding it. - Internet is always written with an uppercase I.

Paragraph 15: Then I started hallucinating. That didn’t worry me. At that point nothing mattered to me anymore, except for finding out what was after me. Hallucinating would be the same as getting [probably get me] closer to [discovering] what was wrong. - Why would hallucinating be the same as getting closer to what was wrong? My guess is that you mean that the hallucinations will likely lead him to discovering what's wrong with him.

Paragraph 16: Today the hallucinations took over. I’m pretty sure I haven’t come out of my bed for a few [in] months, though with my time perception it might as well be a few hours. It does not matter anyway. I slept tonight, that was what did mattered. - Remove unnecessary words or phrases.

Paragraph 19, sentences 5-6: I finally realise.... My self wanted out, wanted to kick the pretender of [off] the throne and live for himself. A sudden fear rushes through me as I realised that was just what was about to happen. - Correct the typo and lose any unnecessary words.

Paragraph 19: Then, in my last moment, the last jigsaw falls into place. What was in the eyes of the real me except for pity was relieve [was not just pity, but relief]. - The phrasing needs work.

Final Thoughts: The story you present is about a young man trapped inside himself. It's a great concept but unfortunately the essence of the story is trapped inside poorly or unclearly phrased passages. Think of this as the first draft of your story. This is in desperate need of a second draft. The story here is potentially a really good one, but without the necessary corrections, it falls far short of what it could be. Reply to this email and let me know when you've done the necessary revisions. If you have any questions or disagree with any of my comments, I will happily discuss it further with you. Please make revisions though as this story has far more potential than what is currently in place.

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Hi Scott,

Overall Impression: This was a cute little story. It's certainly a perfect example of being given the run around. Forgetting for a moment all those co-pay costs, the frustration of running from doctor to doctor and having to deal with the mounting aches is hell enough to deal with. I don't want to analyze this more because that will likely kill the humor involved. Thanks for sharing.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 9, sentence 2: Swell.... The dermatologist didn’t want to see me and, as I was leaving the office[,] he yelled, “GET STUFFED!” - There is a common misconception that a comma can't be used after and. It can, but only when used correctly. Commas that come in pairs: If the portion of the sentence between the pair of commas can be removed, and the general meaning of the sentence remains the same, it's being used correctly. The dermatologist didn’t want to see me and he yelled, “GET STUFFED!” The portion in light blue makes perfect sense, but don't include that second comma and we get this: The dermatologist didn’t want to see me and, “GET STUFFED!”

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Hi Tinkerbell,

Overall Impression: An interesting take on the legend of Merlin. Albion seems to become a new Eden in this story. There is peace and harmony. It is clear to Artur and Gwen that the utopia they have can only exist if Albion remains within the mists. If they return to the real world, regardless of the wonders and advances they would see, they would lose the purity of what they have now.

Areas of Improvement: Too much spacing. The spacing should not be noticeably larger than the paragraphs. After seeing more white space than text, I suggest using single spacing, not triple spacing.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 5: “This New Age makes me give thanks for Merlin’s promise[,]” murmured Artur.

Paragraph 12: “He’d ask what we had planned for the new millennium, and complain about the oak groves we’ve lost,” sad [said] Artur.

Final Thoughts: The original meaning of utopia means something along the lines of no place, so for Albion to remain a utopia, it most remain in hidden in the mists, in no place. Though Arthur and Gwen would like to rejoin the new world, they understand utopia can not exist outside the mists, so they must remain where they are. So the sacrifice they must make is to remain forever secluded from the world. It certainly sounds like an ideal place. And when they are offered the metaphorical forbidden fruit, knowledge from the world outside, they know well enough to refuse, and stay exactly where they are.

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Hi Delilah,

Overall Impression: Part of the reviewing process is looking for mistakes. Seeing the multiple and consistent mistake of it's in place of its (which I will explain in detail below) is very damaging to the story. My suggestion, if you're unsure which version is correct, use its without the apostrophe (at least until you get a better handle on the grammatical rule) because the omission of the apostrophe is less jarring than seeing the more obvious addition of an apostrophe. I had to reread the story and ignore that particular issue before I realized that this is actually a pretty good story.

The narrative is told through the eyes and voice of the monster. The monster comes across as intelligent and, in certain respects, rational. The man seems more like a wild animal, which makes a lot of sense from the perspective of the monster. Sure, the intelligence of the man is not completely lacking, as there is evidence of his intelligence based on his camp setup and fishing gear, but he is not on the same level of the monster. The monster stalks his prey, and though I want to feel pity for a fellow human being (even in the fictional world) in many ways it's not much different from a depiction of a hunter going after a deer, or bird, or whatever prey they are hunting during a particular season.

Areas of Improvement: Person vs. Monster - There is no reason to use a gender neutral term like Person, when the person in the story is clearly labeled as being a man. Man vs Monster is a minor change, but it's a much stronger description than what is currently in place.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Every instance where it's is written is incorrect; judging on how it's being used, it looks like the intention was meant to avoid writing it in plural form (more than one it). Its does not mean more than one it, it usually refers to an object, or a person or animal of unspecified gender. It's means it is or it has. This link: http://garyes.stormloader.com/its.html provides an excellent explanation for when to use it's or its. If you click on the bolded gray website written above, it will take you directly to the page explaining it's vs its. Sent is the past tense for send; when referring to how something or someone smells, you'd be talking about its scent. Where refers to location; were, like was, is something that happened in the past. In the paragraphs below, in addition to the corrections pointed out here, I've indicated a few places where a word or needs to be removed, added, or changed for sake of clarity, or where punctuation or tenses need to be corrected, also for sake of clarity.

Paragraph 1: The drops of light rain where [were] perched on the tropical plants. As the acrid sun bore down on us, I watched it. It crouched on all fours, smelling the ground and glistened [glistening] with sweat. It had a misfit spear in one hand, and it balanced on the other. It was all but naked in [a] lone pair of bleached shorts held up by a knife belt. I silently shifted closer in between the bushes, mesmerized by it. It jumped up and turned towards my direction. It’s [Its] dark hair, that had grown since it had been marooned here 4 weeks ago, now covered it’s [its] face. It’s [Its] eyes searched the forest around us and it’s [its] hands began to tremble. It senses me, I thought as a flood of humor travel [traveled] down me. It knows I’m here. I breathed deeply and let it’s [its] sent [scent] engulf me. I could feel it’s [its] anxiety seething off it’s [its] skin and the pure terror about to erupt from inside of it. I could taste it’s [its] sweat, and feel my teeth sinking into it’s [its] fresh meat. Oh, I wanted that human[,] but no! Not yet.

Paragraph 2, sentence 3: The Human looked this way and that way[,] then[ ]it’s [its] eyes locked with mine.

Paragraph 3: The sun was now set and there was a blanket of stars in the sky. Here on the beach, the Human had placed it’s [its] camp. He had managed to acquire a few coconuts and other fruit scattered around this puny island earlier in the day. They lay beside a homemade fishing pole and a group of rocks in which had no purpose. Now, he was sitting by a tree stump with his dirty head on his scarred knees. Beside him were [was] a pack of empty matches. He made no sound and was utterly still. It was unlike any other behavior I had witnessed from the Human and it made me nervous. Had something else got to him before me? I glided along the trees getting closer to it[,] not worried about being seen.

Paragraph 4: The sun shone with morning glory and I waited on top of [a] mountain watching it. The Human had not arisen last night for 3 hours and I began to bore. Now, he was walking along a trail he had engraved in the island[,] talking to himself. He might be going mad or[ ]trying to come up with a rescue plan. Didn’t [Doesn't] matter either way, he’s going to be mine in the end. - I tried to address any issues I found above, but there is one particular area I feel needs to be explained in this paragraph: Without the comma after island, the line kind of reads as if the island is talking to himself. The island is not talking, so the comma is necessary.

Paragraph 5: His arms were flailing as he tried to run faster. I could taste the beads of sweat flying off his forehead. The adrenaline of [the] chase raced through me as I ran after him. It was dark and he had no idea where he was going, but I did. He tried to jump over a tree that had fallen a few days earlier but his foot caught on a branch that he couldn’t [didn't] see. He let out a cry of pain [and ]curled around his foot. I stopped running and just watched in plain sight. He sat there huddling his foot[,] sobbing. Disgusting. He started muttering something. I moved closer consuming in his sent [scent]. I knelt down and put my head close to his. The moon light shone so [that] half of his face was glittering because of the sweat[,] but[ ]the other side was utterly dark. He lifted his head and his eyes met mine. They glowed with horror and desperation. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I leaned in closer so our foreheads almost touched. He let out a sound from the back of his throat and began to shake. He knows, he knows how this is going to end. I sat on my haunches and looked at him, inside of him. He slouched down, giving up. Then one last time, his eyes met mine and in his eyes I could see defeat, I could see his mind, faith and hope collapsing[,] because on my island, no one survives.

Final Thoughts: The story is well told. A strong story possesses conflict, and this story definitely has that. However, the correct grammar is necessary for a story to be told without any confusion. Familiarize yourself with the rules concerning it's vs its, and your stories will have much greater clarity to your readers. If you have any questions let me know and I'll be happy to explain the suggestions further; either way, make sure to fix all the errors pointed out in the text as soon as possible.

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Hi Talera,

Overall Impression: I'm never tried one of these prompts before, but when I see them done successfully, I'm always impressed by the ability of the writer to come up with a story that so completely fits the prompt (or in this case, collection of words). What I particularly liked was the role reversal. Usually, the stories are about men somehow misplacing a wedding ring in some clumsy fashion or other. It's good to see things happen once in a while from the women's side, so so it's not strictly thought of as a male thing when rings or similar items get misplaced.

Grammar and Mechanics: Paragraph 5: Shelley stood[,] rubbing the trail on her knees from where they pressed into the floorboards. - Semicolons should only be used to separate two independent but closely related clauses. The semicolon above is being used incorrectly because it is not connecting what would otherwise be two separate sentences. A comma substitution is necessary.

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Hi Calvin,

Overall Impression: Based on the category chosen and the line separation, the intention is clear that you were trying to write poetry, when in fact you've written prose. Prose is not a lesser form of writing, but it represented differently than the line by line approach taken here, which is meant to resemble poetry. Because this essay is not poetry, you should not be using a poetry format. So what exactly is the difference between poetry and prose? I'm not entirely such on what the official distinctions are, but I view it as a question of rhythm. But poetry and prose have a particular flow, but poetry (good poetry) is written as if it's a song.

I am going to provide a link to an article I found written by a different writer on this site that seems far more knowledgeable than myself on prose vs poetry. "Prose vs Poetry" 

I have not corresponded with this particular writer before, but she seems to know what she's talking about. I won't make any suggestions on changing the layout of your essay other than saying if it remains prose, it shouldn't follow the separated line approach currently being used. If the intention is to write it as genuine poetry, it's going to need restructuring. If you have and further questions on poetry vs prose, try sending an email to the writer from the link above, as poetry is not my forte.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 11: This world is full of thought and realization[.] - Wrong end punctuation.

Paragraph 18: You know their sheep like [sheeplike] state isn't anything to be proud of.

Paragraph 20: Your own thought has [thoughts have] destroyed any sense of hope for you.

Areas of Improvement: I felt the ending was a bit weak. Maybe switch the order of the last two lines? Search out the writers who appear to have a working knowledge of poetry. They will help you with any technical aspects you might be weak or unfamiliar with.

Final Thoughts: The subject matter: People are unique, though those around them try to steer them towards conformity. Many people blindly follow, doing what they are told to do, acting how they are told to act. Some of us however, refuse to conform. We wish to show our uniqueness, our individuality. Those of us who are aware that they have not conformed are, on the one hand, sad when we see so many others waste away their individuality, yet we are happy that we have not let our own individuality waste away. The memories of being like those other sheep to conformity can drag he individual down as they feel nothing they do matters, and anything of importance they do will be forgotten, no matter what they do to stand out.

The final message of the poem is a struggle for individuality being lost. The narrative implies giving up or losing hope. Nothing anyone does matters. Is that the final message you want to end with? If everything an individual does is forgotten, why are there famous writers, painters, etc., that most people still know of today. But I suppose the point of this essay was not to point out these extreme individuals, but the regular individuals, those that get lost in the pages of history.

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Hi tolpinsk,

Overall Impression: I thought this was a cute story. I enjoyed reading a story with such a lighthearted nature. The playful energetic nature of the small boy reminds me of my niece a bit. She too has the ability to start playing in pretty much any environment without the need for a toy.

Grammar and Mechanics: Half the mistakes I point out below are spacing issues most likely do to formatting issues from pasting the story from a word document. While I try not to make too big an issue of this, in such a short story, there's no excuse not to correct this. It takes maybe a few minutes to double check a post and correct this. The other mistakes are minor tense and punctuation issues, but it's important that they be corrected.

Description: A small boy teaches us a lesson we forgot [forget] as we grew [grow] older

Paragraph 1: Children. . . . He lower[ed] his head and made a whistling sound like air rushing through a tunnel. - Missing -ed.

Paragraph 2 & 3: He leaped on the bus[,] scaling the steps in quick succession[,] Proclaiming [proclaiming:] " And superman gets on the bus!" - I think this would work better as a single paragraph, with the addition of punctuation where indicated.

Paragraph 5: He laid spread eagle on the floor next to the fare box. He tripped. On his stomach he looked around for a moment then groan[ed], " And superman fal [fell] down.” - Fall, with a 2nd l works too. The tense would normally be incorrect, but fall actually works better than fell, when coming from a little kid. Also, make sure to get rid of the indent as this is the only paragraph that's been indented.

Paragraph 6: Quickly he jumped to his feet, " And Superman gets up!!! " he shouted[.] - Excessive spacing between the quotation marks and the words, and missing end punctuation.

Paragraph 7: He flew to the rear of the bus . - Excessive spacing before the end punctuation.

Paragraph 8: So when life trips you up , remember the Superman on my bus. Don't stay down, acknowledge it , stand up , and extend you arms and fly. - Why are there spaces before the commas?

Final Thoughts: The only reason I don't rate this story higher is because a story this short shouldn't have such obvious errors. Nonetheless, other than some needed corrections, this was very well told. It's nice to see a lighthearted story every now and then with no pretensions. It's not often that a story of such brevity with such levity succeeds. I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work.

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Hi Eric,

Overall Impression: This was a cute story. Though their time with the old man was brief, he helped fill the gap that was lost by the narrator's husband passing away. He neither filled the rule of husband or father for the narrator and her daughter, but he brought comfort to their home. The kindness they gave him when they took him in was returned with a sense of meaning that caring for the old returned to them. The boom to their business was an unexpected bonus, but even without the old man's hands of bread gaining popularity for the bakery, his brief stay was enough to touch their lives.

Grammar and Mechanics:

Paragraph 1: The old man. . . . His skin was tanned, like an Italian, but [and] when I asked him who he was, he didn’t answer. It took me a long while to find out that he cannot [could not] speak at all, but [then] I did notice [noticed] that his sleeves were tied up where his hands should be. - The word but is used as to contrast. the old man being tanned has nothing to do with him having a tan, and his inability to speak doesn't really have anything to do with his lack of hands. If he were tan like an Italian but his accent made himself sound like he was from somewhere else, that would be a proper contrast. The other issues are tense issues. Also, it's generally preferable to emphasize words by using italics as opposed to underlining.

Paragraph 4: “I understand that you had good intentions, but this man would [could] react to your kindness in a way you wouldn’t expect[.]” - Would implies the man will react unexpectedly. Since it's only a possibility he might react unexpectedly, and not guaranteed, could makes more sense in this context. Also, The end punctuation should be a period.

Paragraph 8: “They all wish they were normal again, don’t they?” That response was so unusually wise for a seven year old girl who barely knew her father. - I understand the intent is to show the importance of the girl's deceased father, but the response would be wise for a seven year old regardless of whether she still had a father or not.

Paragraph 9: “Some do, my dear. Some really do[,]” I replied as I wrapped my arms around her body. - Don't separate the dialogue from the action. Use a comma.

Paragraph 11: “Give me your arm[,]” She [she] said nicely, her hand extended to the old man. He slowly reached his stub towards her. She took a hold of it and slowly stuck his arm into the bread. He then set it down on the table, staring at if for several minutes. Then… he smiled. The way the bread rested on the table looked exactly like [a] thumb-less [thumbless] hands, resting palm first onto the table. I couldn’t help but smile with him. That motivated Claudette to place the other bread onto the other stub. The man grinned from ear to ear. Now both loaves looked like big thumb less [thumbless] hands. - Don't separate the dialogue from the action. Use a comma.

Final Paragraph: The old man’s fate is [was] bittersweet. - Stay consistent with your tenses.

Final Thoughts: The corrections are minor, but necessary to make sure the story is written in it's best form. Not a bad first post. Keep up the good work.

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Hi Hunter,

Style and Voice: I'm not sure what time period this was supposed to take place, but it reminded me a bit of 19th century fiction.

Overall Impression: The coldness that grew between the narrator and Aldous was evident from the beginning. Initially it seems the coldness began as resentment on the narrator's part. Aldous would go on his excursions, returning minus an eye or a leg, and while she tries to hide her feels of regret, sadness, distaste perhaps? the divide between the narrator and Aldous is slowly growing. What is it that led to Aldous' perilous travels? Was it for his craft, or was is something else? The 9 months away led me to believe the narrator was with child (unless I'm reading too much into that specific time period). He traveled the distance so that they could provide for the child, and though he came back successful, it had cost him a leg. Each of his travels seemed to cost him something. At first the price he payed was psychical, but once that heart attack and comma struck, he was a changed man. Was the connection cancer stole from them a child, or was it something else?

Areas of Improvement: The description reveals to much. A good description such pull readers in without telling too much about the story they are about to read.

Grammar and Mechanics:

Paragraph 2: One cold Winter [winter] Aldous left for Serbia despite being unable to grow a full beard.

Paragraph 8: An exotic aroma. . . . Aeons have passed since I had an effect on my his decisions, yet I witness every one. - Did you mean to write "his decisions" or "my husband's decisions"?

Final Thoughts: There is a lot to this story, but much of the events are too vague. Too much is left to the guesswork of the reader. I am left wondering if all the suffering they went through was for a child they lost to cancer, or if it was simply a husband freeing himself from poverty, and fearing a return to it, continuing to undertake risks. In that second scenario, it's not a child they lost to cancer, but his able to have relations with his wife. If both guesses are wrong, well, guess my comments don't say much about the story. My suggestion, try to remove some of the guess work from the story.

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Hi Chance,

Overall Impression: An intruder in her office, or simply paranoid delusion of the woman. Sometimes the best way to write a story is to keep it open ended. Had you confirmed there was or wasn't an intruder, it would have diluted the strength of this flash story. Knowing when not to give too much detail can be just as important as knowing when to use detail. Good job.

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Hi Aresay,

Overall Impression: Quite simply: too much detail, not enough story. The narrative is so intent on describing all the mech weaponry, that the actual story becomes secondary. All the detail here would be fine, if this was a longer story. It does not work well in a story with this brevity. The details are only as good at the story they are a part of. If the story itself is getting lost behind details, either the details are being laid on too thick, or the story is in major need of expansion.

Areas of Improvement: Trim the fat (details) or expand the story. Why is Guiles fighting to get parts? If not for description of the story, there's no way your readers would know Guiles was fighting to get parts in the first place, or that he built his robot/mech.

Grammar and Mechanics: Overall, the real grammatical issues here are missing commas dialogue and missing end punctuation.

Section 1
Paragraph 2: "Laser rifle purged: maneuverability up 8 percent, direct contact ammunition defense down to 79 percent, speed up 6 percent. Targets remaining: 3[.]" - Missing end punctuation.

Paragraph 3: "Thank you, Charles[,]" responded Giles as he scanned the radar and thermal reading hud for any sign of movement. He looked over the status display in the cockpit to his right. He saw that the hyper-velocity rail gun, mounted in the center of his back had 58% energy left in it's [its] capacitors, his right arm mounted heavy assault rifle had just over 200 rounds left in the magazine, and his shoulder mounted grenade launcher system had 2 rounds in each canister. - There should be a comma connecting the dialogue and the text that follows it. Also, no apostrophe in its unless it's shorthand for it is.

Paragraph 3: 'This is going to be tough[,]' he though[t] as he returned back to the main console. - Missing comma, and missing t in thought.

Paragraph 4: 'They must be in the same condition as I am[,]' he pondered, as he gently worked the controls, forcing his mech to step out from the giant boulder he was hiding behind. As soon as he cleared the rock, he noticed a muzzle flash and then heard Charles screaming, "Incoming, Incoming. Avoid, avoid[.]"

Paragraph 5: His radar and thermal viewer displayed no sign of the other mechs[.] - Replace the comma with a period.

Section 2
"Shooter: Elyna[.]
Weapon: Anti-Armour Gauss Sniper gun[.]"

"Unless....[ ]s***!" - Should be a space after that last dot.

'So, they have teamed up now[,]' he thought.

"Well Charles, we are going to have a little fun with these ones, there's a few parts I want of them[,]" Giles responded with a large grin, as he reversed out of the cloud, leaving the other machines in a dust filled firing corridor.

Final Thoughts: Sit down and think this story through. Ask yourself where this story is going. What's the point. Flesh this story out and see where you can go with it. Work on your detail to story ratio.

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Hi Allison,

Overall Impression: This is a beautiful story. It's definitely a unique way to describe where snow comes from and why it falls. It fits in quite well with existing Greek mythology. I found Zeus's interaction with Snowin interesting as he's not generally portrayed as the Greek gods are not generally portraying as having such a strong emotional connection with the woman on earth. They are usually known for taking the form of those women's husbands at times of war, or using other godly powers to ensnare them.


Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 2: It wasn't long. . . . She had seen this happen to her countless of previous times, and frankly she had [she'd] had enough. - What are you trying to say in the underlined passage? It's written awkwardly. Though writing "she'd" means the exact same thing as "she had", it gets rid of that awkward double had, which should be avoided whenever possible.


Final Thoughts: For the most part this was well written, but that one underlined passage needs some rephrasing. Otherwise this story flows smoothly. Keep up the good work.

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Hi Jacey,

Overall Impression: This was an interesting story. I would argue though that the moral of the story wasn't really a moral. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the story. It was graphic without being excessively so. The main character and the readers of this story were lulled by his escape from the freezer, only to find the escape didn't get him very far. What was so sad about the story was not necessarily how he died, but what led up to its occurrence. Brandon took the job because he needed to support himself and his family, a pretty valid reason for taking the job. Because of his work ethic, he stayed late to make sure the freezer repair actually worked.


Layout: Try to be consistent with those paragraph breaks. Always double check the layout when you post a story.

Paragraphs 2 & 3?
He probably wouldn’t have been thinking about his sister that cold, early December evening had he not had a rather unpleasant conversation with her that morning. He had stayed late to ensure a faulty freezer that had been repaired just a half hour ago was going to be fit for the job. The beef stored in that particular freezer wasn’t their most pricey, but losing it due to someone being too lazy to stay a few hours and make sure the freezer was truly repaired was unnecessary and detrimental to the company, at least in Brandon’s opinion. But then again, since the loss of his last job, he’d been a bit more keen on his work than before.
The slaughter house was empty now that all the workers had gone home, and an eerie hush had fallen over the warehouse, making every breath of wind stand out. Meat hooks, knives, and other tools of the trade hung sinisterly in the shadows as he made his way to the freezer in question. He was suddenly very sorry the freezer repair man hadn’t come earlier in the day so he might not have had to stay after closing time to monitor the freezer. He knew was just being stupid; nothing was wrong, except maybe for the fact he and Kay, his wife and avid horror movie fan, had watched one too many low budget monster flicks last Halloween season and his imagination was now making him pay a few months later.

Is this supposed to be two paragraphs? If so, there should be a space between the two paragraphs. If not, there shouldn't be such a large break between the sentences.


Paragraph 5 & 6?
Shaking off the physical and emotional chill of the freezer, he walked toward his office, glad he’d gotten out of his close shave. What Brandon was not counting on was a meat hook, suspended on an electrical system of wires that moved meat around the warehouse, to come speeding down of its own accord and impaling him straight through the chest. It did not kill him instantly, but it must have punctured a lung because he found it hard to get enough air to talk or scream in pain and fear. All he could do was dangle helplessly and watch as the floor grew redder and redder with his own blood.
Brandon couldn’t help but realize he was strung up exactly like a side of beef. The irony of it all, he thought as his vision began to fade and pain began to deaden, was the last thing his sister had said to him was “You are what you eat”.

Is this supposed to be one paragraph or two? Same comments as before.


Final Thoughts: Brandon's death is unfortunate for many reasons. It's unfortunate because he was working to support his family and trying to make sure the job was done correctly. It's unfortunate because Brandon seemed like a decent human being and didn't deserve such a gruesome death. And it's unfortunate, to a lesser extent, because the incident justifies his sister's comment of you are what you eat even when it shouldn't. Again, I'm not sure if the moral of this tale really qualifies as a moral, but it's well written nonetheless.

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Hi Kimberly,

Overall Impression: This is going to be a pretty short review, but basically I see this speaks of the importance of listening and standing still long enough to appreciate the importance of silence. Ferris Bueller still says it best though. "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Nonetheless, a valid point no matter how you say it. Stop and listen. If we are always moving about and always doing the talking, when will we ever have the time to learn anything new?


Grammar and Mechanics:
Stanza 1, line 3: But the problem is we move to[o] often - Missing o. Too means to an excessive degree, which is the word you're looking for here.

Stanza 2, line 2: But under appreciated [underappreciated] - It's one word.

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Hi SirVarious,

Overall Impression: Telling a story in 55 words is easy. Telling a story in 55 words that's actually good isn't so simple. This story takes the concept of machine life striving to be considered a legitimate life form, wanting to be equal with it's human counterparts. And despite the protests, it succeeds. . . only to be killed by one of those it wished to be more like. Whereas many other 55 word entries take a single event and try to pass it off as a flash story, this one tells a complete story in its minimalist form possible. Well written; keep up the good work.

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Hi Elemenopy,

Overall Impression: The story starts off in mystery. The narrator knows not where he is, and he has unexplained blood on his hands. He is oddly calm in this situation. When a woman speaks to him, and though he doesn't know where he is, who she is, and still doesn't know why there's blood on his hands, he agrees to listen to her story. The woman tells a creation story, the beginning of the world, the beginning of existence. At this point, the narrator has come to recognize she's an angel (or if not an angel, some other being of divinity) though the recognition comes quietly, without fuss. She tells a story about two sons and a being named Gabriel, though from the way the story is told, Gabriel seems to be spoken of as God as opposed to an archangel. The gifts are given, and for whatever reason, one is accepted while the other is ignored. Something in the older son is broken in that refusal, and the love that is in him is no more. In his jealousy, the elder kills the younger, and the woman who is the Azra’il must help the younger son move on. So to, she has come for the narrator. His life, like that of the younger son, was cut short. Just as the elder killed the younger, the gunman killed the narrator. It is a sad story, one sad story inside another in fact, but it is also powerful and moving.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 19: “He looked me over carefully and said, ‘the [The] time has come for your service. You are Azra’il. You are love[.]’ and [And] I knew my name and everything that came along with it, because I was Azra’il. I nodded to Gabriel and turned to leave, but he continued to speak. ‘Go now and speak with the sons, for you have much to teach them[.]’ and [And] I nodded once more before I turned, already preparing for the journey ahead. - I know this is dialogue being told over, as opposed to being told in the original voice, but shouldn't it be capitalized and end with a period since it begins and ends new dialogue?

Paragraph 20: “It was odd to leave the light, for I had never been out of it before, but when I arrived here I saw the two sons and they were beautiful. ‘Hello, I am Azra’il, and I am love. Tell me, do you know what love is?’ I said to them, and they looked at each other and then back at me. I smiled at them, for I was love, and they smiled back, ‘walk [Walk] with me and I will teach you about love.’ - Same reason for capping as the last time.

Paragraph 26: “So I asked him, ‘my [My] son, what is wrong?’ and he looked up at me with scorn. - Same reason, start of dialogue.

Paragraph 30: “His breathing was shallow as his blood mixed with the dirt at my feet. I looked up and Gabriel had appeared, a somber look covering his face. I suppose he had known all along what would happen to the sons. What a burden it must have been to bear such knowledge. He looked at me for a long moment before he spoke, ‘you [You] are love, Azra’il, but you have another purpose now, one that is necessary. He has spoken, and it is so,’ and I nodded as he turned and left. - Same reason, start of dialogue.

Paragraph 31: “I looked back into the younger son's eyes and whispered softly into his ear, ‘come [Come] with me now my son, for I am love, and we must go.’ - Same reason, start of dialogue.

Final Thoughts: I felt the title gave a little something extra to the story. It lent it a certain elegance. Death can be an ugly thing, but through the voice, whisper of Azra'il, both the narrator and the younger son are given a chance to die with dignity.

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Hi Charlotte,

Overall Impression: I read Through the Looking Glass a long time ago. I suppose I could call it Alice in Wonderland, but I always liked the other title better. I like how you keep things open ended. The story could be Alice returning to Wonderland, just as easily as it could be some random girl who read the book. In either case, for whatever reason, she doesn't remember experiencing or reading about Wonderland. This time around, it looks like the girl going through the rabbit hole, and the rabbit, don't quite get along. Though I suppose it's reasonable to expect anyone falling down a rabbit hole might be a bit cranky. He indeed had something to show her, despite her disbelief. So what exactly was behind that door in the rabbit hole? Obviously something the girl would rather not talk about. I don't quite see how her telling over what happened could possibly lead to the end of the universe, but whatever it was she saw, it was bad enough that she felt it safer not to share that particular story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 4: I’m not going. . . . Man this rabbit’s annoying; now I know why animals can’t talk. - I don't think the 2nd half of this sentence works. Animals can't talk because they're annoying? If that was the case, there's be a lot of people who couldn't talk as well. I'd end the paragraph with: "Man this rabbit’s annoying." and leave it at that.

Paragraph 5: “She stood me up, now come on, there’s only one way out of here and you’ll never find it unless you follow me right now[.]” Hmm, now his enchanting voice has been replaced with a harsh raspy voice. He’s a grumpy little bunny. Without another word he grabs my arm, and starts dragging me away from the hole that brought me to this musty tunnel. We walk in an awkward silence, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. What does one say to a talking rabbit? Do your ears hang or wobble to and fro? Somehow I don’t think he['d] appreciate the question. A half hour passes before we finally come to a small door that only comes up to my waist[,] with an eerie dancing light spilling out from around the edges. - The dialogue should end in a period, not a comma. Either an apostrophe d or the word would is needed in the sentence where indicated. Lastly, the comma is needed in the final sentence, otherwise it sounds like the eerie light is coming from the narrator's waist, as opposed to the door.

Paragraph 7: “Are you calling me fat? You know it wouldn’t be that hard for me to step on you,” I huff self[-]consciously covering my belly. - There should be a hyphen in self-consciously.

Paragraph 8: “Oh don’t get you panties in a twist, I’m just saying that this door is pretty small compared to other doors,” he rolls his eyes and pulls out a small key. “What I’m about to show you is for your eyes only, no one must ever know about this place. If the world knew about it, it would mean the destruction of the universe. I promise that as long as you stay close to me, no harm will come to you. But if we are separated for even a minute you will never make it out of here alive[.]” With a slightly creepy grin, the rabbit unlocks the door and takes my hand. - The 2nd set of dialogue should end with a period, not a comma. Also, why quantify how creepy a grin is? The grin is creepy or it isn't. By saying slightly creepy, you dilute the image.

Paragraph 9: I am sorry. . . . I can tell you one thing about my adventures[:] I eventually found out that the rabbit[']s name was Humphrey. I thought it was a strange name for a rabbit[,] but who am I to judge. - I felt a colon would provide the stronger connection needed between the two lines than a period would. The apostrophe is needed, because you're referring to just one rabbit. The last comma I suggest, because it adds that natural pause in thought that isn't there otherwise.

Final Thoughts: The story is presented in a way where the narrator wants to tell a story, but is either to traumatized or horrified to tell the real events of what happened behind the door. Like every curious child, or curious person, she has to tell something, but the real events must remain a mystery. Not bad for a 9th grader.

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Hi Russ,

Overall Impression: While it's a very short story, I can see the emotion packed in. Darren sets off to the beach for a simple walk, and encountered an old woman suffering from arthritis. He is polite and helpful. Seeing her difficulties, he stopped to help her retrieve her dropped cigarettes. At the end of the story, his last thought about the situation and the woman is poor cow. How much of this statement is about the woman, and how much of the statement is about himself? he too suffers from his own aches and pains. Like the old woman he encounters, he tries to ignore the pain and do what he likely always did before he began suffering his own pains. So what he sees as a sad metaphor for the old woman's life, is a sad metaphor for his own as well. He may not be as bad off as she is, but he knows how she feels, even if only to a lesser extant.

Grammar and Mechanics: There are two issues facing this story that occur throughout the narrative. The first one, probably unintentional (do to formatting issues) is the spacing issues. The second one is weirdly punctuated sentences, which is a much bigger issue. There's also a third issue concerning ellipses, which I will talk about below.

Paragraph 1: “f***, f***, f*** !”, she spat vehemently and she tried to bend down to pick up a packet of cigarettes that had dropped from her clawed hand. - There are two issues here. The first one, the minor one is the spacing. There shouldn't be a space before that exclamation mark. The second one is the punctuation. Why is there a comma here? You don't need a comma when you already have an exclamation mark. The exclamation stands in for the comma. And even if you were to use a comma, it would come before, not after the end quote. This is how the sentence should look: “f***, f***, f***!” she spat vehemently and she tried to bend down to pick up a packet of cigarettes that had dropped from her clawed hand.

Paragraph 8: “You ok, love ? Let me get that for you.”, he offered as he bent down and handed the box to her. - Same issues. Should be written as: “You ok, love? Let me get that for you,” he offered as he bent down and handed the box to her. You'll notice one additional change here. His offering is directly connected to the dialogue. When that happens, you want to use a comma, not a period.

Paragraph 11: “It's just...well, I get so frustrated you see ? Can't do much anymore....takes me hours to get a few bits in for tea...Jack's gone...and oh, I'm sorry. You don't want to hear me going on and on !”, she said, wiping her wrinkled cheek and smiling thinly. - Becomes: “It's just... well, I get so frustrated you see? Can't do much anymore... takes me hours to get a few bits in for tea... Jack's gone... and oh, I'm sorry. You don't want to hear me going on and on!” she said, wiping her wrinkled cheek and smiling thinly. - Ellipses are 3 dots, not more. There are instances where you would use a 4th dot, but that's actually a set of ellipses (3 dots) and a period. If you were using the 4th dot as a period, the next sentence would begin "Takes me hours" with a capital T. Also, Spacing issues and an unnecessary comma. Apply the ellipses rule to paragraph 9.

Paragraph 12: “That's ok, don't worry. Do you live far ? I could walk you home if you'd like ?”, he said, eyes wide in a show of care. - Should be: “That's ok, don't worry. Do you live far? I could walk you home if you'd like?” he said, eyes wide in a show of care. Again, lose the random spacing, but more importantly, lose the comma after the end quote. There are a few rare instances where punctuation can come after a quotation, but when that happens, there wouldn't be punctuation before the end quote.

Paragraph 14: “Ok. Take care, love.”, he said, laying his pale hand briefly on her shoulder and then watched her turn away. - Becomes: “Ok. Take care, love,” he said, laying his pale hand briefly on her shoulder and then watched her turn away. - Whenever dialogue is followed by "he said" or "she asked" or "they questioned" or "we answered"--whenever that direct speech is indicated--always use a comma, never a period.

Final Thoughts: The liked the story concept, and I wouldn't suggest changing anything in the actual narrative. There are however still issues to be addressed. The spacing issues are minor, but the misuse of punctuation with dialogue is atrocious. You'll notice I only marked a few examples. I did so because I didn't want to mark everything. Every single instance of dialogue in this story has punctuation issues. Get rid of all those extra commas. Once you get rid of the wonky punctuation, you'll have a pretty solid short story. Keep me posted on your revisions, and feel free to send a reply if you have any other questions.

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Hi Melvin,

Overall Impression: Other than the repetitions issues which I mention in the improvement section, and again in the grammar section, I thought this was written pretty well. This is the story of a man who's given up. He sounds like a man who has lost everything, and no longer wanting to feel the pain of lose, he's removed himself from the outside world. Unfortunately his cure for the pain is no cure for the "disease". There is no cure in loneliness. His isolation, though it may not pain him as quickly as if he didn't hide himself away, is worse in the long run. Having nothing else, he waits for death. He knows it's only a matter of time before before it comes, but it is slow coming.

Areas of Improvement: Lose 'that that', 'dead dead', and 'Dead Dead'. They add nothing to the narrative, and just look visually awkward.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 9: There was a time, when the thought of a rebirth, a rebirth back to the living life was considered. But now too that has died. For there was one thing that that old life had taught him. - I understand the reasoning behind it, but the 1st that is unnecessary.

Paragraph 13: The home of the dead dead. & last paragraph : He will join the world of the DEAD DEAD. - When I saw this in the first paragraph I thought the repeated word was accidental. Seeing it a second time, it appears to have been done so intentionally to indicate a difference between the narrator's current state of death (living dead, or undead, or figuratively dead emotionally or spiritually) and actual true death. The problem with doing so this way is that it comes across incredibly awkward. You'd be better off saying truly dead or unwaking dead, or anything other than "dead dead" which just damages the narrative.

Paragraph 18: One day, one day soon, he will digress back and stay there. That place where he was to[o] young to understand why. - Missing "o".

Final Thoughts: This was definitely a dark piece. This shows that it's not always necessary to introduce violence or actual physical pain into a story for it to be dark. Emotional pain can be just as crippling and savaging on a person.

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Hi horror,

Overall Impression: This is poorly written. I know some reviewers say you should always try to encourage, but I think honesty works better than false praise. Throughout the narrative there the phrasing is poor and/or awkward, there are a number of spelling and grammatical errors, and the description is so minimal, I feel like I'm dealing with an outline as opposed to an actual story. I don't smell the fear. I don't see it, hear it, or feel it. The "scary room" is nothing that a child's nightlight wouldn't remedy, as there's no evidence of any horrors living within its walls. Sure, I'd be scared too if I was all bloody, bruised, and trapped inside a dark room, but there's nothing particularly horrific about the scenario because you don't take the time to properly explain it.

Why does the narrator's feet ache so much he can't run away? Are his feet injured? Has he been running so long that he can't run anymore? Details! Where are the details? The fear behind the monster you never see only works well if you establish why the monster is so terrifying. If you can't describe the actions of the monster as horrific, or the setting the narrator is in as terrifying, there's no established point where the monster is something to be afraid of.

Areas of Improvement: A lot. To put it simply, details, details, details. Visualize your story. Think out why it's so horrific. What was so amazing about the narrator's escape? Did he have to crawl out of a small opening in a cave, or a large waste pipe? Write it down for the reader to see. What was so horrific about the room? Were there implements of torture in the room? Other people who had suffered the terror of the beast? Write it down. Did the narrator have any injuries that made his escape more difficult? Write it down. Work on getting the details in place before anything else. There are also a number of spelling, grammar, and phrasing issues, all of which are irrelevant because you really need to rewrite this story from scratch. Include all those details you missed the first time around, otherwise where's the appeal for the reader?

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 1: I had bruises from my head to toes. Blood dripping like water from a kept on faucet. It was a miracle that I had found a way out. A way out of the scariest room I had seen. A room with four walls and dark. To[o] dark. I had never seen the beast that took me but I knew it was a beast. - As a reader, I find the information I'm presented with lacking. Most rooms have four walls, so way is this bit of information relevant? It isn't. Next, I'm told the room is the scariest room the narrator has ever seen. A dark room with four walls?!? I can put blankets over my windows, shut off the lights, and have the same effect. Smell, texture, sound. If the room is too dark to see anything, use the other senses. Maybe the narrator could feel bones crunching under his feet, or smell rotting flesh, or hear some sort or wailing or scraping. the There's nothing even remotely terrifying here. Why is the room so terrifying? Show, don't tell. If the narrator hasn't seen the beast, how's he know he was kidnapped by a beast and not a man? Again show don't tell. Does the "beast" have a particularly pungent order? Did the narrator hear the screams of one of the beast's victims as the beast, snarling and growling, ate the man alive? Work with me here. Details! Details!

Paragraph 3: My feet ached with severe pain. I couldn[']t run beacause the pain was too much for me to bare [bear], but I had to walk. My life depended on it. I couldn[']t see it behind me but I knew it was there[,] I just knew it. The beast. It gave off a strong scent of fear. It contaminated the air with fear. Once it was in your lungs you could feel it run through your vains [veins] and cells of your body. - You need to use stronger imagery. Perhaps the narrator's feet burned with each step he took. He couldn't run because the pain felt something like glass shredding the soles of his feet. The beast shouldn't give off a scent of fear, that implies the beast is afraid. The beast should give off a scent that induces fear.

Paragraph 4: Still I continued to walk. The smell of fear grew stonger. I had to move faster but my body just wouldn[']t let me. Death kept me going. To be afraid of death kept me to keep on walking as I did now. I didn[']t want to die but something inside of me told me I was dead already. - This is weakly phrased. The example I'm showing in green is not intended to be a replacement, as I didn't really dedicate the time to constructing it, but it is meant to steer you in the right direction. - As I continued to walk, the smell of fear grew stronger. I wanted to run, but fatigue overpowered power. The only thing that kept me going was the fear of death. I didn't want to die, but something inside me told me I was as good as dead already.

Paragraph 5: The scent of fear grew stronger. I almost choked on it. It stopped me in my tracks for a second or two. Again I continued to walk. Then the smell petered. Then gone completly. I sniffed the air. Nothing. The smell was definantly [definitively] gone. Something about it didnt feel right. I had no time to worry of [about] it[,] I had to walk[,] I just had to.

Paragraph 6: I walked till I heard the bushes move. "Who was that" ["Who's there?"] I said as if to get a response [I asked, not sure if I wanted an answer]. I turned my head and saw nothing. Nothing but the trees and bushes of the night. Then. The smell of fear came back and stonger then ever. I looked in front of me. I yelped in terror....................

Final Thoughts: For a horror story to succeed it must be horrific. If you don't plan on showing the beast or monster in the horror story, then all the other details have to be so powerful and convincing that your reader imagines their own beast. Good luck.

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