Hi Ria,

Overall Impression: I thought the message was good but I don't agree with the presentation. I'm reading this and I'm seeing prose, not poetry. Line by line is the wrong approach for this. I suggest writing this like a regular paragraph, and ditching the concept of this piece as poetry. Once that's done, change the punctuation accordingly. From what I gather of this piece, it basically states being true to one's self. That we should not let society tell us who we are or how we should act.

Areas of Improvement: As I said earlier, I think this should be presented as prose, not poetry. Well this has the imagery, it doesn't have the right beat (meter?) to work as poetry.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Subtitle/Description: This is how I feel about people and how they can truly start to live their lives..
I'm not sure if the two dots at the end of the sentence are supposed to represent a trail off or not. If it's being used as ellipses, you need 3 dots, not 2. If it's the end of a sentence, it's one dot too many.

Time is never lost to regain [yo]ur life, - The only please for shorthand is in text messages. Never use it in writing.

Final Thoughts: Hope this helps. If you have any questions, let me know.

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Hi Emmalee,

Overall Impression: This was a very powerful piece. The hope (or self-delusion) of the girl is both impressive and painful to read. Like the girl, I see the one act of fatherliness from her father, and it makes me want to see what the girl does. I want to see him turn himself around; I want him to be a good father to her. Change is difficult though. As much as the girl or the readers of this story want to see the father step up, it's unfortunate that it's just not going to happen. Is he a good father? Somewhere deep inside he is, but it's buried so deep beneath the surface, that with all his other problems, he's incapable of being the good father. So yes, while it's good he remembered, remembering seems to be the most he'll ever do if something big doesn't came to change who and what he is.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the word beginning dialogue (before or after a comma) is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name) if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.
Semi-colons - Used when there is a close relationship between what would otherwise be two separate sentences.

Paragraph 1: But as I took the box, wrapped in pink with a lacy ribbon wrapped around, [I] almost felt like I was taking it from a stranger. Someone who sends Christmas cards[,] but whom you never see.
"I" is always written in uppercase. Also, it's very rare that a semi-colon is used before a conjunction. Use a comma here.

Paragraph 2: “You remembered it’s my birthday[,]” I looked up at him and said. - See punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 3: “Mhmm[,]” [h]e grunted. “It’s not every day my girl turns eleven.” - See punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 4: And [B]esides, he had called me his girl.
Avoid using conjunctions when possible. "Besides is a strong starting point for this sentence, making "and" unnecessary.

Paragraph 5: “Gwine. Opn ut[,]” [h]e spoke through a mouthful of tobacco. - See punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 6: They were too small[;] this dress was glorious. - See semi-colons.

Paragraph 10: And [B]esides, walking a few miles never hurt anybody. My shoes were only a little tight[;] they didn’t even hurt yet.
Avoid using conjunctions when possible. "Besides is a strong starting point for this sentence, making "and" unnecessary. Also, see semi-colons.


Final Thoughts: Overall this is a really good story, but the grammar needs some minor touch ups. Good stuff.

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Hi Jolly,

Overall Impression: Because I'm not really a poetry reader, my input will be limited. Hope you find this review helpful. The imagery and emotion within this poem was presented very well. The rage and anger are very clear. You leave no doubt as to the emotional message and the impact you want it to have on your readers. The swearing was appropriate within the context of the poem, and did not come across as swearing for the sake of swearing. Both the title and the description are well suited. I'm glad I had the opportunity to read this.

Favorite Line(s): I'm close to bottling your mouth, my fist will be the cap
Just a superb line. The wording was constructed wonderfully. I personally would not have thought to compare the image of a first punching a mouth with a bottle and a cap.

Areas of Improvement/Grammar and Mechanics There were 3 typos in this poem. Other than that, no need to improve anything.
Paragraph 1, line 4: with your sorry, pit[i]ful and lacking education - Make sure to replace the "a" with an "i" in pitiful.
Paragraph 2, line 2: in the physically joy of your facial demolition - Lose "ly" at the end of physical.
Paragraph 3, line 4: I will tempt death with you[r] soul and draw a smile on your throat. - Remember to add the "r" at the end of your.

Final Thoughts: Not much to add that I haven't already said. I'm not generally a big fan of poetry, but I liked this. If the rest of your poetry is this good, I might actually find some poetry I enjoy reading.

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Hi Alexia, I figure since I've started using some of your signatures, I should probably review one of your stories. This one is for the raid. . . . Assuming I got the dates for the raid right.


Overall Impression: This seems like an interesting start for a tale. Here we have a young man survive a battle with goblins in his village, and become apprenticed to a knight. This feels more like an episode or single event within a greater story. This short story is good, but because what happens in On the Road to Greater Things feels more like minor events leading to a greater story, it feels incomplete. Goblins after all, tend to be the minor introductory enemies in most larger works of fantasy. Sort of like the practice run enemies until the hero(es) learn how to fight in real battles. I would like to see something like this including in a greater tale.

Areas of Improvement: Really only two areas that I can see: the grammar, which I speak more about below, and the inclusion of this brief tale into a much larger one.

Grammar and Mechanics: Most of the issues were minor, but I felt there were two lines that were a bit awkward.
Commas that come in pairs - The first rule of bracketing commas is that you use them to mark both ends of a "weak interruption" to a sentence - or a piece of "additional information." The commas mark the places where the reader can cleanly lift out a section of the sentence without obvious damage to the rest of the sentence. In other words, the essential meaning remains the same when the "weak interruption" or "additional info" is removed.

Section 1
Paragraph 2: Perhaps - And [L]ooking back, I would not have chosen to act any different. - Avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions when possible.

Paragraph 4: Goblins - None of us had a real weapon, but we couldn't have been expected to have [any]. We had never been part of a war nor seen a battle front.
The first sentence seems incomplete without the word "any". Write "battlefront" as one word.

Paragraph 5: No sooner had most of the others grabbed up what would serve us for weapons th[e]n the goblins were upon us. - Only use "than" in comparisons.

Paragraph 6: I did my best - Then one caught me with [a] stick sharpened to a spear. It hurt like a red-hot poker shoved into my side. I thought I was done for[;] I fell onto my arse as the goblin readied for another hit. But then it stopped, frozen in a stance that [if broken] would have broken to kill[ed] me.
First Sentence: Missing the word "a". Second sentence: Use a semi-colon, as without one, that would be two sentences, not one. The last sentence is a little awkward. Rephrased, and it is much clearer.

Paragraph 7: It made - An arrow tipped with steel had pierced it's back. Since you're not saying "it is", write "its".

Paragraph 9: I swallowed - Back to the woods we drove them[,] and further past the neighboring field[, u]ntil the last of them had fallen by his bow.
This should read as one sentence using commas that come in pairs. Click here to see the example. ▼

Section 2
Paragraph 13: I smiled lightly[,] for I was already thought a knight. - The word "for" can in some cases (this is one of them) be used as a conjunction, and therefore a semi-colon is unnecessary.

Paragraph 14: Around the campfire - The others [knights] told tales to gallant tales in which they had slain mythical beasts or rescued many a hapless innocent.
"Others" is too vague. You clearly mean the knights, and not the lads, so say "The knights". "Tales to gallant tales" sounds awkward, I would just leave it as "gallant tales".

Final Thoughts: I considered rating this a little higher, but with the two awkward sentences on top of the other minor issues, I decided to drop the rating a bit. If at the very least the two awkward sentences are corrected, I'll happily raise my rating. This is good, but it really should be part of something larger, not a standalone story.

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Hi Griffin,

Overall Impression: This was an incredibly descriptive piece. You managed to take the mundane situation of an empty restaurant and make it sound interesting. The waitress, becomes more than just another serves as waiting either in desperation or hope for at least a single customer to enter the door. It is left for the reader to decide if she wants a customer to enter or not. The chef is described not as simply another cook, but as someone who enjoys his work, and misses the days when he got to use his craft.

Areas of Improvement/Grammar and Mechanics There was very little room for improvement I could see. The only suggestions I could make are below.

A descriptive peice of writing based on restaurant[.] - Add punctuation to your description.

The waiter [waitress] is a statue and her expression is as hard as stone. She stares motionless at the door and waits with her legs aching[,] but she can’t sit[;] somebody might enter, but that gradually turns into nobody as the clock ticks on.
The feminine form of waitress should be used instead of waiter. Because of the strong pause after aching, a comma should be used. I also recommend using a semi-colon before "somebody" to help break up the sentence.

Final Thoughts: This was very well told. This doesn't need any additions as it stands strongly as is. I'm glad I took the time to read this.

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Hi Jasmine,

Overall Impression: I wasn't expecting much about a story of a 13 yr old girl with a Valentine's crush, but this was surprisingly well written. The emotions of the girl are easy to identify with. The forces attendance for Confirmation was interesting as well. What really made me feel for the girl was that she did nothing wrong. She didn't try to get the boy's attention not did she do anything awkward around him that would deserve poor treatment from him. It's bad enough that he's unnecessarily cruel to her by asking her out with the intention of later rejecting her, what's even worse is that he does so in a place of worship. He is cruel for the sake of cruelty, making the whole thing into a game. He is clearly not aware of his surrounding, which is evident not only from the location he chooses to play his game, but by the fact that he's not even aware that she might be nearby when he makes the revelation of this game to his friends. Stranger still is when he says, "I won't be too mean. I'll just see if I can avoid her tonight and get out of here before we meet up again. That way I wont have to reject her to her face." This is cowardly and makes his game even worse. He speaks of not rejecting her to her face as if it's a level of kindness, when in reality he just doesn't want to face her and tell the girl the truth. The avoidance is worse than the truth. At least if he openly admits it was a practical joke by him and his friends, the girl will understand what happened, even if she doesn't understand why. Doing it this way, the girl knows nothing, and is left to wonder why the boy is avoiding her.

Areas of Improvement: Layout is vital when writing a story. You'll want to make sure spacing is consistent through out the story. If you are using spaces to separate paragraph, continue to do so throughout. Do not have areas where the new paragraph simply starts on the next line. To see how a story like this should be presented click here. ▼

Grammar and Mechanics: The vast majority of the errors below are minor, and most of them have occur because the formatting on word is different than the formatting on this site. Nonetheless, these errors add up and need to be corrected.
Dashes - When used as an abrupt break or thought, as used in this story, it should be presented using an M-Dash like this: "in my home--one of which". Apply this to every instance a dash is used in this story. (The hyphens used in this story are not the same as dashes.) You'll find 14 instance of where these corrections should be made, plus 2 insertions of where I felt dashes should be used.
Spacing before or after punctuation - Throughout this story, the are number of areas where there is no space between a period or comma, and the next sentence; in two areas, there's an extra space before commas. This appears to be an issue of formatting. Likely this was originally typed up in a word document. Keep in mind that the formatting on this site is different from word. After you post the material, you have to double check to see if the correct spacing was maintained. Of these issues where a space is missing, I spotted 15 periods, 6 commas, 1 question mark, and 2 quotation marks after commas (the missing spaces are after the quotation marks). There are also areas where an extra space appeared. 2 extra spaces before commas followed by a quotation mark, and 1 instance of an extra space after a quotation mark. This last one obviously isn't punctuation, but there should be no spaces before or after "of" in "matter- of -factly". So spacing alone accounts for 29 errors within the text, all of which can be avoided if the time is taken to double check in the format remained the same when this was pasted from word. These are easy fixes that require simply hitting the spacebar or backspace keys in edit mode to correct these errors.
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the word beginning dialogue (before or after a comma) is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name) if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.

Subtitle/Description: How I got my heart broken on Valentine's Day[.] - Add punctuation.

Paragraph 5: My teacher Rayann[,] in an unaffected way that I came to learn was her natural manner, lazily scanned the class for an empty seat

Paragraph 6: I flashed my stellar smile and wittily replied , " And here I thought I was doing a damn good job hiding it[.]"
This is missing punctuation at the end of the sentence. If you look where I underlined, you'll also notice this contains two unnecessary spaces; one before the comma, and one after the quotation mark.

"I wish we had something to do to kill the time[,]" he said with a sigh. - See punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 7: Kathleen,[]who for various reasons, disliked our year as ([or] more specifically our class),[]had been threatening to make us do confirmation classes all over again if we failed to "buck up". Father Christopher[,] who was as much an avid football fan. . . .
Here are 2 examples of missing spaces after commas. There are more of these in the paragraph. The word "as" doesn't make sense in this sentence, but "or" does. Also, "or more specifically out class" reads as an aside or a weak interruption, and should therefore be surrounded by parenthesis or the rounded brackets. "Who was as much" is a continuation of the sentence "Father Christopher", not a closely related sentence, and should therefore be connected by a comma, not a semi-colon.

While we groaned out loud[--]well those of us who actually had Valentines[--]he mumbled. . . .
I've also included examples of the dash here. The correct way to write this dash is as two hyphens together, with no space on either side. The comma at the end doesn't word because "well those of us who actually had Valentines" is the interruption, whereas "he mumbled" would have continued the same sentence normally. Therefore, the last sentence is breaking the interruption, and such be shown as such by using another dash.

Paragraph 9: Valentine's Day began as a slightly drizzly Saturday. My hope that it would wash out the service proved futile as it cleared up before lunch and gave the world a dazzling aftereffect. My hair had been pulled into curls and I was decked off in white which[--]even if unflattering to my figure[--]was still corresponding with the requirements as dictated my Kathleen.
What's slightly drizzly? Anything less than drizzling would be considered misting. Either lose slightly, or change this to say misting. See the last corrective suggestions for why the dashes should be shown this way.

Paragraph 12: Finally as Father began to pray signalling the last half an hour of mass, he slipped the ring back into my hand and muttered matter- of -factly[,] "Hey you wanna go out with me?"

"I'll tell you after[,]" I replied. . . .
Almost inaudibly as the choir began to sing with gusto,[]I heard someone say[,] "[S]ee I told you she likes me[.]"
See punctuation for dialogue for all three sentences. Also, notice again that there's a missing space after the comma?

Paragraph 13: To calm her and the slight anxiety in my chest down, [I] volunteered to go look for him. - "I" is always capitalized.

Paragraph 14: "Wow she really does like you[,]" another replied.
"So did she say yes?" [Q]uestioned another.
"Nah," he answered,[]"[ s]he said she'd give me an answer afterwards[.]"
"I won't be too mean.[]I'll just see if I can avoid her tonight and get out of here before we meet up again.[]That way I wont have to reject her to
her face[.]"
See punctuation for dialogue for the above sentences. Also, note the missing spaces and missing periods.

Paragraph 15: The sounds around me seemed muted and I felt like reality had gone hazy.[]I made a about face and slowly walked back towards the inside of the church. I happened to meet another classmate[,] and[ ]explaining that I hadn't found him,[]begged that she look for him instead to relay Rayann's message.
While it's true that some professional writers put commas after "and", avoid doing so whenever possible. Also, note the missing spaces.


Final Thoughts: This is a good story, and strongly written, but the issues with layout, improper spacing (do to formatting), and incorrect dialogue in punctuation need to be addressed. Hope this helps.

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Hi George,

Overall Impression: I don't like most poetry I read. Just when I begin to think I just don't have a taste for poetry, someone writes something good and convinces me otherwise. I liked this particular piece. It had flow, it had rhythm, and more importantly it had a story. Each verse flowed freely into the next, never giving the sense that you were forcing the lines to rhyme or meter. What a good poem needs to do is be written in such a way that anyone can read it. This succeeds in doing so.

The story of the place the narrator once knew, the old oak tree within the secret garden, is inspiring. Whether it's real or not doesn't matter. To the narrator, it was real, it was special, and it had a special meaning for him. Perhaps we all need to find our own tree and secret gardens. The imagery throughout was clearly well thought out and composed. I'm glad I read this.

Final Thoughts: Not much else to add. This was good stuff. I can only hope all your poetry is the same caliber of writing.

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Hi Joan,

Overall Impression: To quote a line from without this story, I had low expectations. I felt the description through out was pretty solid, and the pacing was done really well, but how good could a story about a piece of trash possibly be? Apparently much better than I had anticipated. Who knew a simple premise could turn into such a horrifying event. The surprise of a morbid tale was unexpected and well received (at least my this reader). Other than some minor points of grammar and some complaints with layout, I enjoyed reading this. The inquisitive nature of the narrator resulting from frustration was interesting to see. What really makes the tale strange is how emotionless the narrator comes across. The accident takes not only her pets, but her family aware from her, and all she can say in the end is: "I guess next time I have a piece of candy, I should be more careful where I throw the wrapper." The only two possible answers for this are 1) The narrator simply doesn't care all that much about what has happened to her family, or 2) She's in emotional shock. Final judgement: Great story.

Areas of Improvement: The layout for this story is not done well. In a number of areas, there are partial paragraph breaks. Text begins on a new line. If you're already creating new paragraphs by using spaces, separating by putting text on the next line is inconsistent. This is what your story layout should look like: Click here. ▼

Grammar and Mechanics:
Subtitle/Description: When proving a point went horribly wrong[.] - Punctuation should be included.

The long dash - Also known as the em dash. The em dash is used to indicated an interruption in speech, text, or dialogue. There are 3 instances that use a dash in this story. You were on the right track by following a dash with a space so it wouldn't be confused with a hyphen, but the three areas I note below should all be using long dashes without a space.
Paragraph 2: However, I hate nagging most of all[--]it never works and I manage to annoy myself more than them.
Paragraph 3: Its literally right in the middle of what is easily the most travelled path in our house[--]the path from the family room to the kitchen.
Paragraph 5: How long would it be there before someone else would come to the realization that trash doesn't actually throw itself out, that someone actually needs to physically pick it up and give it a ride to trash purgatory[--]where it would presumably lay useless and unwanted for eons.
Paragraph 9: Now Tiny is as fearless as you would expect a 150 lbs St. Bernard to be with the exception of one thing[--]bugs.

Paragraph 2: I hate cleaning[,] but I hate dirt more.
The comma before but is here for the same reason a semi-colon could be used instead of a comma and but. Get rid of the comma and but, and you're able to start a brand new sentence.

Paragraph 3: This little blue and brown scrunched up square is still slightly sticky. . . .
Normally I see nothing wrong with alliteration, but when you're describing something with enough adhesive power to stubbornly stick to the ground, slightly ends up being contrary to the what you intend. If it's only slightly sticky, it won't stubbornly stick. Lose "slightly", and the image stands.

Paragraph 4: The final straw was when I saw it try to hitch a ride on my 14 year old's foot, the sticky part finally perfectly positioned. . . . - Lose "finally". It adds nothing to the image.

Paragraph 6: I had low expectations, figur[ing] the trash. . . . - While "figured" just doesn't sound right, "figuring" does.

Paragraph 8: We aren't exactly sure what happened next because I only found the bodies afterwards[,] but from what we can put together, Fluffy managed to vomit up the offending trash with the exception of a small piece that broke off and stuck in her throat.
The comma before but is here for the same reason a semi-colon could be used instead of a comma and but. Get rid of the comma and but, and you're able to start a brand new sentence. The other issues with this paragraph is that it's slightly indented. As the rest of this story has no indentations, be careful to remove this one to match the format.

Final Thoughts: I thought this was really good, and was surprised I enjoyed reading this as much as I did. I was tempted to rate this higher, but didn't do so primarily because of presentation. The uneven paragraph separations seem odd. I'm guessing it just didn't paste correctly, but that's why it's so necessary to double check everything you post for errors. I will most likely raise my rating once the issues are resolved, so keep me posted as to when the corrections will be made. Good work.

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Hey Uri, this will be review number 150 for me, so looks like I'll finally be reaching that goal. Next stop . . . 200 . . . That might take awhile. Hope this review is helpful.

Overall Impression: This is definitely a very unique story. Usually I find stories that are paced too slow. This one was surprisingly paced a little too fast. The story kind of rushes out at you, and it's hard to keep up with it. It might be that I was tired when I started the review, but the story was confusing. Oddly enough when I read it a second time, the confusion vanished. What at first came across as interesting yet strange changed, and I found that somewhere during the second reading, I decided I really liked this story. The single word title and the description for Alone works perfectly for this story.

Style and Voice: The concept of a story within a story always appeals to me. How the character or rather the personality of Mary became so strong and dominant was surprising. Mary is a strong willful personality whose ultimate goal is to make Barry Tallon a whole and well adjusted person again. This is not the work of a selfish personality trying to gain control. Mary wants Barry to be strong enough, that he no longer needs her. Mary tries to cure him and finds somehow that the psych ward is just expanding the personalities he's creating. Her ultimate decision to forcefully expel the personalities including her own through violent means was well crafted. Barry's fear and sadness at being alone with out his other selves was sad to see, but it seemed like an important step towards Barry's healing process. The real clincher was the twist at the end. Mary's "replacement". Did not see that coming. Final decision, well written.

Grammar and Mechanics: The main issue I'm finding is a lack of introductory commas. Many people don't see a reason for using introductory commas, following the school of thought that comma usage should be minimized whenever possible. To me it's an issue of sentence pacing. Those introductory commas provide that necessary pause within the pacing that wouldn't be there otherwise.
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the first word in dialogue is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name), if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.
When to use semi-colons - When joining what could otherwise be two separate sentences, the two parts must be linked by a semi-colon. While it's true that a comma can be used as a stand-in for the word "and", you would still have to write, ", and", to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences. It can also be used to show a closer relationship between two sentences than a period would provide. Do not capitalize any words after a semi-colon (unless it's a proper name).
Introductory commas - When there's a natural hesitation involved in the introduction process--meaning a noticeable pause between one part of a sentence introducing the next--a comma is needed.
Commas that come in pairs - The first rule of bracketing commas is that you use them to mark both ends of a "weak interruption" to a sentence - or a piece of "additional information." The commas mark the places where the reader can cleanly lift out a section of the sentence without obvious damage to the rest of the sentence. In other words, the essential meaning remains the same when the "weak interruption" or "additional info" is removed.

Paragraph 1: I stood up and started like everyone else does, “Hi my name is Barry Tallon[,]” and then I stuttered. - See punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 2: “It's okay if you feel uncomfortable[;] you don't have to speak,” is what Mary said, but I saw her eyes. - See when to use semi-colons.

It usually doesn't take much[;] a long stare or a few small or minor “accidents”, (like dropping a few jelly covered crackers on their nice new carpeting). That was one of my finer moments[. T]hey were so angry, but it was at a party and it was an “accident”, so their anger just stewed in their heads until afterwards.
1st sentence: See when to use semi-colons. This is more of a personal opinion, but I felt like the description of a minor accident like the jelly covered crackers comes across as if it's aside, so it makes sense to indicate it as such with parenthesis. I also felt "They were so angry" should begin a new sentence. "Until afterwards" just sounded odd. Until after the party ended? Best just to leave it out I think.

Paragraph 3: Anyway - I haven't told her that I don't actually have stage fright[,] cause that would ruin my acting job and my fun. Anyway, I told her I would continue talking cause it was my turn[--]I had turned it down for a few weeks already. I glanced around the circle of chairs in the blue box like room before I started again and the thought hits me: “[A]m I really like them?
1st Sentence: See introductory commas. 2nd Sentence: I use the long dash, because the second part of the sentence comes across as if the narrator is interrupting his own speech. The last issue in this paragraph is simple, The "A" in "Am" starts a sentence, so it should be capitalized.

Paragraph 4: So I told them - The funny thing was that as I listened to myself[,] I realized I was different from the people in the circle. - See introductory commas.

Paragraph 5: See the people before me were anorexic[,] i.e. they thought they were fat and tried to starve themselves. Me [I] on the other hand was diagnosed with what's called chronic depression[,] so the doc gave me an anti-depressant. Unfortunately it had a nasty side effect: you los[e] your appetite. It might not sound so bad, but it turns eating into a chore. A chore that is essential to the continuation of your life. My psychiatrist didn't believe me[,] and truthfully neither did my friends. They figured I was joshing them. Then I ended up looking for a support group and hoped they would be more helpful than anyone else was. The only support group for people with eating problems is those for anorexics and bulimics[ ... ]or at least that is what Mary told me.
1st, 2nd and 6th sentences: See introductory commas. Start the second sentence with "I", not "Me". 3rd Sentence: Typo, should say "lose" not "loss". 9th sentence: The ellipses implying a trail off or hesitancy in thought seems like a better fit than a comma.

Paragraph 6: So there I was[,] pouring my story out into this circle of paper-thin women in this blue room[,] when there was a sound at the door… - See commas that come in pairs.

Paragraph 11: “Oh, um, yes. I guess it is that time again isn’t. Well as always Nurse Joy[,] it is a pleasure to have you join us.” -See introductory commas.

Paragraph 18: “Hmm[... ]Sometimes I wonder how you can live in a white box?” - Ellipses are only 3 dots, never more. I think at the end of a sentence, ellipses are 3 dots plus the punctuation which could mean 3 dots and a period which looks like this, "....", but I can't say for certain until I get a hold of a grammar book.

Paragraph 20: “You're always a funny aren't you, Mr. Tallon. Do you want me to place the pill cup with the rest?”
Either "You're always funny" or "You're always a funny one" or "You're always a funny man", otherwise this sounds odd.

Paragraph 24: And then another - If they wanted to get rid of their food[,] the stupid size zero freaks should have brought it to a soup kitchen, but then again these prissy women would never have thought of that. - See introductory commas.

Paragraph 25: So, where was I? - Anyway after she introduces herself[,] Mary tells us to “mingle” while she goes out for a sec. - See introductory commas.

Paragraph 39: “And I think he would make me a killer in his imaginations.” - Lose the "s"

Paragraph 43: Mary came back - Mary seemed quite upset, so I tried to annoy her by looking at her[--]well more accurately I was staring at her. And [W]hen she noticed her fury was totally unleashed on us. - I use the long dash for the same reason as last time. This comes across as if Tallon is interrupting his own speech or thoughts. I cut out "And" because you should avoid beginning a sentence with a conjunction whenever possible.

I stared at her dumbfounded[. T]his generous and loving woman who I mistreated had just gone nuts. - This comes across better as two separate sentences.

Paragraph 44: And [I]n one quick motion she loaded the gun and shot herself in the temple. - I cut out "And" because you should avoid beginning a sentence with a conjunction whenever possible.

Paragraph 45: Doc returned - After listening to my story about how Mary killed everyone including herself[,] the Doc noticed that the paper pill cups were all ripped into pieces. - See introductory commas.

Paragraph 46: In the following years Doc felt guilty giving Mary the idea. “…He would make me a killer…” rings in the ears of his mind. We talk to each other about that day. I was moved into a room with a couple of other patients, but I still feel lonely no matter how many people are around[,] and I sometimes slip back into the stories of my mind. - I think "the ears of" is unnecessary. "Rings in his mind" works just as well, if not better. In the last sentence, use commas for joining. This is used when two complete sentences are joined together, using such conjunctions as and, or, but, while and yet.

Final Thoughts: What makes this piece stand it? It's unique from the other items I've read. Not to say I haven't read other unique items, but that doesn't lessen its value. This is a quality piece, but it nonetheless needs those grammar revisions. Let me know as soon as you've applied the revisions so I can talk another look at the finished product.

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Hi Jolly, don't be overwhelmed by the number of marking below. A great deal of those markings are based on spacing issues vs actual errors.

Overall Impression: Despite my issues with the presentation (which I'll go into below in areas of improvement), I liked this story. The thought the story was well developed, and that the character interactions were really thought out. Discussing the accident, without actually showing the events occurring was an interesting approach, and it worked really well for this story. I liked reading about how each character was uniquely powerful, and how their guilt an anger about the accident occurring affected how they interacted with one another. I really wish concern for presentation was a factor in putting together this story, because I have to give a lower rating than I would prefer do to the lack of clean presentation. I only noticed after I went through the revision suggestions, that the accident occurred do to failed heroics by the teenagers. I would not have missed this in a clean presentation. I really hope you take my suggestions to heart, as the presentation alone, will improve this story significantly.

Favorite Line(s): "What am I..." - Perhaps the one question every super powered person asks when they become afraid of their powers.

Areas of Improvement: Throughout the story, for whatever reason, you've chosen to consistently separate dialogue from the accompanying actions and/or descriptions that go with it. By doing so, the story comes across as disjointed. Instead of repeating this comment over and over, I'll be marking them in sets when I believe they word work better that way. Overall, there's not as many issues as it will appear from the markings below. The only reason I have to post all that text, is to show how the lines should be connected. My biggest issue with this story is not the content (which is pretty good), or the grammar (which needs some work, but not overwhelmingly so), it's the presentation. Lines that should be written as single paragraphs are written separately, and the last third of the story is clumped together with little regard for presentation. No matter how good something is, if the presentation is poor, the work suffers. If you were to go to a restaurant and your food was served in trash bags, no matter who good the food was, you wouldn't want to eat it. The same goes with quality writing. If it's not presented in a clean crisp manner, your readership is going to suffer. I am going to give a quick sample what your story should look like, based on the first few paragraphs:

"What's wrong with you!?" The girl yelled at the boy as he paced back and forth in an empty school hallway.

The boy stopped and glared at the girl. "How was I supposed to know there were hostages, Sophie?! They said there weren't any!"

Sophie crossed her arms as tears weld up in her eyes. "I don't understand what went wrong, Dante.... I mean, we did the right thing ... didn't we?"

Dante looked to the floor as he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth.

A tear fell from Dante's face to the floor, and Sophie wrapped her arms around him as tears rolled down her face. "It wasn't just you, Dante. You can't keep blaming yourself ... We all messed up."

It's hard to tell just by looking at 5 lines, but if you apply this same spacing to the rest of the story, the presentation will match the quality of the story. Presentation can be just as important as the story itself, if you want you story to be taken seriously.

Grammar and Mechanics:
How to use ellipses - When used in the middle of a sentence, there should be a space between the ellipses and the word(s) before and/or after it. When used at the end of a sentence, it's three dots directly after the final word, plus whatever the ending punctuation is.
Commas that come in pairs - The first rule of bracketing commas is that you use them to mark both ends of a "weak interruption" to a sentence - or a piece of "additional information." The commas mark the places where the reader can cleanly lift out a section of the sentence without obvious damage to the rest of the sentence. In other words, the essential meaning remains the same when the "weak interruption" or "additional info" is removed.
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the first word in dialogue is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name), if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.
When to use semi-colons - When joining what could otherwise be two separate sentences, the two parts must be linked by a semi-colon. While it's true that a comma can be used as a stand-in for the word "and", you would still have to write, ", and", to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences. It can also be used to show a closer relationship between two sentences than a period would provide. Do not capitalize any words after a semi-colon (unless it's a proper name).

Subtitle/Description: [O]utcast teenagers find out they have abilities unlike anything anyone has ever seen. - This should begin with a capital "O".

Paragraph 1 & 2: "What's wrong with you!?" and A girl yelled at a boy pacing back and forth in an empty school hallway.
"What's wrong with you!?" The girl yelled at the boy as he paced back and forth in an empty school hallway.
"A girl" and "a boy" become "the girl" and "the boy", because "the" gives them more importance. "as he paced" is important, because without saying that, it's not entirely clear who's pacing. Even with saying he stopped in the following paragraph, it's still a guess on the readers part as to what he has stopped doing. The reader shouldn't have to guess he's pacing.

Paragraph 3 &4: The boy stopped and glared at the girl[.] "How was I supposed to know there were hostages, Sophie?! [T]hey said there weren't any!"
There's missing punctuation in the first sentence, and the third sentence should begin with a capital "T".

Paragraph 5 & 6: Sophie crossed her arms as tears weld up in her eye's[.] "I don't understand what went wrong, Dante...[. ]I mean, we did the right thing[]...[]didn't we?"
See how to use ellipses. Also, use "eyes" instead of "eye's" because she has more than one.

Paragraph 7 & 8: Dante looked to the floor[ as] he cl[e]nched his fists and gritted his teeth.
Unless you want to use a period or semi-colon between the two parts of the first sentence, add the word "as". While similar in meaning, "clenched" not "clinched" is the correct word to use.

Paragraph 9 & 10: A tear fell from Dante's face to the floor, [and] Sophie wrapped her arms around him as tears rolled down her face. "It wasn't just you, Dante. You can't keep blaming yourself[]...[ W]e all messed up." - Use "and" in the first sentence, otherwise it would have to be separated by a period or semi-colon. See how to use ellipses towards the end of the sentence. Also, since "We" would begin a new sentence, it should start with a capital "W".

Paragraph 11, 12, and 13: Dante put his arms around Sophie and embraced her gently. "We need to find Ben, Nikki and Violet...[. W]e should make sure they're all okay." Sophie nodded in agreement, then Dante and Sophie went to find their friends. - See how to use ellipses. Also, since "We" would begin a new sentence, it should start with a capital "W".

MISSING TRANSITION between paragraph 13 and 14??? There should either be some sort of transition between the scene with Dante and Sophie, and the others, or there should be some sort of marking to indicate there's going to be a scene break. Something like "*****" or "=====" or "------" would suffice.

Paragraph 14, 15, and 16: Ben punched the brick wall of the alley [h]e, Nikki and Violet sat in. The wall cracked and nearly caved in from the force of the blow. Nikki sat with his arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth attempting to calm himself. Violet stood in the back corner and cried quietly to herself. - The word "he" should be written in lowercase, because it's not a proper name.

Paragraph 17: "What could he have been thinking?! Dante knew the risk of even attempting to use his powers and he did it any way!" [Ben said angrily.]
It should be clearly marked that it's Ben speaking.

Paragraph 18 & 19: Violet stomped her foot[ and] the ground shook intensely. "Shut up, Ben! It wasn't just Dante's fault! Did you forget you collapsed the entire east side of the bank?!"
Here "and" makes more sense than a comma.

Paragraph 20 & 21: Ben glared angrily at Violet and clinched his fists. "Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for y--!"

Paragraph 22 & 23: Before Ben could finish he was slammed against the wall[,] which he had punched by a massive jolt of electricity, the wall cav[ing it] in a little more. Ben looked to his left and saw Nikki standing with his [open] hands held out in front of his body with his hands open, the electricity crawled over Nikki body and scorched the ground and wall behind him.
Sentence one: See commas that come in pairs. Also, "which he had punched" seems out of place; I suggest removing it. Because of how the sentence is structured, "caving it in a little more" ends the sentence better. Sentence two: Get rid of unnecessary words. This gets rid of repetition and improves pacing.

Paragraph 24: "Why don't you shut your mouth, Ben! Stop trying to give yourself amnesty from this! We all messed up more than anyone ever could have[]...[]but your the one who murdered that woman and her baby[]...[]not Dante[]...[]you." - See how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 25 & 26: Ben laughed as he stood up and dusted himself off. "What are you going to do, Nikki, [k]ill me? Because I promise you[]...[]That's a fight you won't win. You say I'm a murderer[]...[]but you forget that Dante killed everyone else. He would've killed us all if Sophie hadn't created that barrier." - "kill" with a lower case "k", as it doesn't start a sentence. Also, see how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 27 & 28: Nikki walked over to Ben and pushed his forehead against Ben's. "You think that little shock I just gave you was all I've got? I could fry this whole block with one hand[]...[]and your forgetting, you only have invulnerability, you aren't indestructible. As for your strength and all your other enhanced senses and abilities[]...[]how will it all help you when there's an unlimited amount of [h]igh voltage surging through your body faster than you can blink?"
Avoid repetition and see how to use ellipses. Also, why is "high" capitalized; the "h" should be written in lowercase.

Paragraph 29 & 30: Ben smirked and pushed back against Nikki's forehead. "Try me...[.]" - See how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 31: Before Nikki or Ben could do anything to one another[,] the ground once again shook immensely[,] and a stone pillar rose up between them and forced them apart.
See commas that come in pairs. Technically "and" would also have to be bracketed by commas like this ", and,", however since commas aren't really supposed to be used after "and" or other conjunctions, the second comma is considered implied and therefore unneeded.

Paragraph 32 & 33: "Is this how it's going to be from now on? If we're all going to be at each others throats then I don't want to see any of you anymore[,]" Violet said with her hand raised from creating the stone pillar as tears ran down from her eye's. Ben and Nikki looked away from each other. Nikki walked over to Violet and wiped some of her tears away and starred into her eye's.
See punctuation for dialogue. Also, use "eyes" instead of "eye's" because she has more than one.

Paragraph 34: "I'm sorry, Violet. I'm just[]...[]scared and confused, I guess." - See how to use ellipses. Might also help to specify Nikki is responding.

Paragraph 35 & 36: Violet stared back into Nikki's eye's and placed her hand on his. "It's okay, Nikki. Me too." - Use "eyes" instead of "eye's" because he has more than one.

Paragraph 37: Ben crossed his arms in anger and looked the other direction[;] then he saw Dante and Sophie walking down the long alley towards them. - See when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 38 & 39: "Hey, Ben, Nikki, Violet[]...[]how are you guys holding up?" Dante asked with a slight discomfort in his voice. - See how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 40 & 41: Ben glared at Dante in anger at first but his glance slowly faded to a calmer state. "We're fine, [h]ow about you two, [h]ow are you guys holding up?"
Unless the intention is to make both "how" questions their own sentences, keep the "h" in both how's lowercase.

Paragraph 42 & 43: Dante and Sophie shrugged and Dante ran his [a] hand through his hair. "Me and Sophie are doing okay I guess." - Unless he only has one hand, use "a" instead of "his".

Paragraph 44 &45: Violet and Nikki walked over and joined there friends[;] Nikki's anger had subsided and his face was once again filled with sorrow. Violet had stopped crying but her eye's were still glazed over. Ben stood with his arms folded[;] he was no longer angry but now frustrated. Sophie held tight onto Dante's hand and looked at the ground mostly. Dante looked around at all his friends, he [and] wondered why they had to be the ones to receive these "gifts". He wished they had all remained average and not gained any abilities at all. A feeling of guilt weld up inside of Dante as he stared at his friends and wished he could change everything back to before they gained there abilities, but as hard as he tried[,] he had to face facts and come to terms with what they had done. Dante finally, after a few minutes of silence, spoke. "We have to go, we need to sort some things out and make what might be the biggest decision of our lives." - First and Third sentences: See when to use semi-colons. Second sentence: Use "eyes" instead of "eye's" because she has more than one. Fourth sentence: Cut "mostly" as it takes away from the sentence. Fifth sentence: Either use a semi-colon, or write "and" instead of "he". Seventh Sentence: A comma is needed after "but as hard as he tried", otherwise it sounds like there should be more to the sentence.

Paragraph 46, 47, and 48: Nikki, Sophie, Ben and Violet all agreed and they headed out of the alley and down the road, not knowing what was to come next. Dante lead his friends to a small park on the edge of town[.] He turned to them, greatly nervous, and said[,] "We need to think about turning ourselves in. We're already wanted. It would be for the best if we just gave up[;] they'd probably go easier on us."
Start a new sentence with "He turned". See punctuation for dialogue for what is now the 3rd sentence. Also, see when to use semi-colons for the last sentence.

Paragraph 48, 49, and 50: Sophie, Ben, Nikki and Violet sat in a dead silence, each with a look of disagreement on their face. Violet [p]ushed her hair out of her eye's and cocked her head to the side. "Well, maybe we could pretend like it never happened."
"Violet pushed" makes more sense than "Violet rushed".

Paragraph 51 & the first half 52: "Yeah, right, and then maybe candy will rain from the sky[,]" Ben quickly replied. - See punctuation for dialogue.

The second half of paragraph 52 & 53: Violet glared at Ben for a moment before returning her attention to Dante. "All [I]'m saying is they're looking for five teenagers. There are millions of teenagers everywhere, and they don't know what we all look like." - Missing "I" in "I'm".

Paragraph 54: Dante [and the others] looked to the ground pondering Violet's proposal. Sophie, Ben and Nikki did the same.
It's not always necessary to mention everyone's names. "Dante and the others" works better here.

Paragraph 55 & 56: Ben stood from the bench he was sitting on, streched his arms into the air and yawned. "Well, you all can do as you please. There is no way I'm turning myself in. I'll see you guys when all this blows over."

Paragraph 57 & 58: Dante grabbed Ben's arm and jerked him back before he could walk away. "We're all in this together Ben, your not going to abandon us."

Paragraph 59 & 60: Ben pulled his arm away from Dante and tilted his head to the side. "Oh really? Why can't I abandon you guys? You aren't my family, [w]e're just friends[]...[]though, as this day drags on I'm not even sure of that anymore. You give me me a reason, Dante. One good reason why I can't just walk away from this and [or] forget it."
Start "we're" with a lowercase "w" because it comes after a comma. Also, see how to use ellipses. The conjunction "or" makes more sense than "and" at the end of the sentence.

Paragraph 61 & 62: Dante grited his teeth and glared at Ben with a furious gaze. "I won't let you..."

Paragraph 63, 64, and 65: [As h]eat began to res[o]nate from Dante's body, Nikki, Sophie and Violet all backed quickly away from Dante and huddled together. Ben stood his ground as the heat grew more intense. Sweat rolled down Ben's face[.] Dante stood motionless, glaring at Ben as Ben glared back. Ben began feeling light headed as he fe[l]l to his hands and knees[;] the growingly intense heat was rapidly dehydraying his body and he could barely move or breathe, Dante didn't move.
Quick typo fixes. Use "resonate" and "fell". Begin a new sentence with "Dante stood", and get get rid of the reference to him not moving at the end of the sentence. Also, see when to use semi-colons for that last sentence.

Paragraph 66 & 67: Tears weld up in Sophie's eye's as she yelled to Dante[,] "Stop it! Please stop it, Dante! You'll kill him!" - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 68, 69, and 70: The heat res[o]nating from Dante's body quickly disp[e]r[c]ed as Dante snapped out of his state of rage. Ben gasped greatly and felt reliefe now that he could breathe easily again. Dante [l]ooked at his hands and at his body as smoke rolled off of it. "What am I...[?]"
Typo fixes: "resonating", "dispersed", and "relief". Also, lowercase "l" in looked" and see punctuation for dialogue for the last sentence.

Paragraph 71 & 72: A tear rolled down Dante's face but it evaporated before it reached his chin. Nikki and Violet held each other tightly and were shaking as they looked at Dante in fear. Sophie ran over and firmly embraced Dante while he stood in disbeliefe of what he had done. "It's okay[]...[]we don't have to do this, we can just leave it all. We can pretend like it never happened and no one ever has to know...[.]" - Typo fix: "disbelief". Also, see how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 73 & 74: Dante stepped back out of Sophie's arm's and looked into her eye's. "I can't...[. ]not yet. I have to figure some things out...[. ]I'll find you when I'm sure...[.]"
Use "arms" and "eyes" as Sophie has more than one of each. Also, see how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 75 & 76: Dante's kissed Sophie gently then turned and ran away from his friends. Sophie dropped to her knees and began to cry. "Dante! Wait! Dante! ...Dante come back!" - Not sure why there's an 's after Dante. I'm guessing you changed the sentence at some point, and forgot to remove it.

Paragraph 77 & 78: Violet laid her head down on Nikki's shoulder as Dante faded over the horizon. Nikki stroked Violet's face softly and shook his head. "We should all go our seperate ways...[. ]I think Dante was right. We all need to figure some things out." - See how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 79: Ben finally found the strength to stand but he didn't speak. He looked around at Sophie, Nikki and Violet, then he walked away.
No correction needed, but make sure, like all the other paragraphs, to keep a single space above and below this.

Paragraph 80 & 81: Violet Looked up at Nikki and placed he[r] hand on his chest. "I can't do this alone, Nikki[]...[]I need you to help me...[.]" - Missing "r" in "her". Also, see how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 82 & 83: Nikki smiled and stood up with Violet in his arms. "You'll never be alone so long as I'm here."

Paragraph 84, 85, and the first half of 86: Violet and Nikki hugged each other firmly, then they walked over to Sophie. Sophie was laying on the ground, her hands covered her face muffling her cries. "Sophie, come on, we have to go now[,]" Nikki said placing his hand on Sophie's arm. - See punctuation for dialogue.

The second half of Paragraph 86 and 87: Sophie knocked Nikki's hand away and looked up at [h]im and Violet. "I'm not going anywhere unless Dante comes back! so why don't you two just leave!" - Lowercase "h" needed in "him"

Paragraph 88 & 89: Nikki started to argue with Sophie but Violet stopped him. "Leave her alone, Nikki[]...[]she'll be fine, let's just go." - See how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 90: As Sophie laid on the ground crying, Nikki and Violet walked away from the park[.] Dante was gone, Ben was no where in sight and the sun was setting on what was looking more and more to each of them like the end of their friendship. - This should be two separate sentences.

Final Thoughts: Overall, judging on content alone, I thought this was a great story. Unfortunately the rating suffers based on presentation. As soon as you make revisions let me know, and I will definitely give this story at least a full star higher rating. The story is really good, but you have to make sure it's presented well. The only other question I have for you is this: At the top of the story, it says Act 1. Are you planning on writing an act 2? If so, apply the same rules mentioned here, and you'll have a great story. I hope this helps.

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Hi LaVerne, try not to be overwhelmed by the number of grammatical errors marked below. The majority of the mistakes below, consistent of the first five things mentioned in the grammar and mechanics section. Just familiarizing yourself with punctuation for dialogue (which is the most common mistake in this story), would likely cut your writing errors in half. Hope this is helpful not just for this story, but for future writing as well.

Overall Impression: I didn't find the story exceptional, but then, I'm so used to reading adult fiction, that I forget what's considered a quality story in children's fiction. The tale is straight forward and easy for children to follow (save for a couple awkwardly written passages I'll refer to below). Having a young team work together, and solve a mystery that should be something belonging to the adult world is something that would appeal to most children. The planning and preparation involved in the children's solving the mystery, shows what they are capable of, and that it's not always the adults who know everything. On a context based level, this is fairly well written.

Style and Voice: Three amateur child detectives set out to solve a mystery. Alas no unmasking of fake monsters or a mystery man, but it is a adventure nonetheless.

Areas of Improvement: In addition to the grammar issues mentioned below, there are a couple areas which are phrased awkwardly or strangely. Focus on making sure your stories are written as clearly as possible.

Grammar and Mechanics: The following items comprise most of the mistakes below.
When to use semi-colons - When joining what could otherwise be two separate sentences, the two parts must be linked by a semi-colon. It is used to show a closer relationship between two sentences than a period would provide.
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, the first word in dialogue should also be capitalized.
Introductory commas - When there's a natural hesitation involved in the introduction process--meaning a noticeable pause between the part of the sentence that are introducing, and the part that's being introduced--a comma is needed.
Commas that come in pairs - The first rule of bracketing commas is that you use them to mark both ends of a "weak interruption" to a sentence - or a piece of "additional information." The commas mark the places where the reader can cleanly lift out a section of the sentence without obvious damage to the rest of the sentence. In other words, the essential meaning remains the same when the "weak interruption" or "additional info" is removed.
How to use Ellipses - When used in the middle of a sentence, there should between the ellipses and the word(s) before and/or after it. When used at the end of a sentence, use three dots directly after the final word, plus whatever the ending punctuation is.
Commas setting off interjections - A comma is used between an abrupt remark, utterance, exclamation, or interruption from the rest of the sentence.

Subtitle/Description: Three children find a hidden stash of stolen goods and sit on it to record the thieves.
You're telling too much information upfront. Try "The case of the stolen goods." It's quick simple, and doesn't tell the story upfront.

Paragraph 1: Drake, Doug, and Amy
Today was no different[;] the fragmented bushes and trees drooped as if the heavens had forsaken them. However, rain didn’t seem to be an option with the humidity high and the sun’s rays so intense today. - See when to use semi-colon. Also, the use of 'today' should be omitted in the second sentence, as it's already mentioned in the previous sentence, and comes across as repetitive.

Shoving aside a large branch Drake heard Amy behind him thinking aloud.
Shoving aside a large branch, Drake heard Amy thinking aloud behind him.
When I initially read this line I thought the phrasing was unclear in specifying who was thinking aloud. While it may seem inconsequential, sometimes changing the order of a word or two makes the information you are conveying a lot clearer and easier to understand.

Paragraph 2: “Rain would help these poor plants,” Amy voiced her opinion aloud. - If she's voicing her opinion, 'aloud' is implied, and therefore does not need to be stated.

Paragraph 3: “No doubt, but not today[;] the news said it’d be hot all week with no rain in sight[,]” Doug replied as he too shoved aside branches pulling up the rear.
See when to use semi-colons. Also see punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 4: One of the kids at school
A little while ago Katy started following a scent she’d picked up[,] and they were following Katy hoping to get a story or a detective job. - See introductory commas.

Drake grunted his agreement about the rain forecast comment from Doug[,] as sweat ran down his back and face as he worked his way through the rough, overgrown trail that led deeper inside the quarry. Katy, Drakes amazing dog, barked again as if to say, ‘hurry up.’
The comma is needed to help clarify that it's Drake who is sweating. Also, the ending quote mark for hurry up should be on the inside of the period, not the outside.

Paragraph 5: Drake, in the lead - Amy and Doug quickened their steps as well, after Katy barked. - Lose "as well," and this sentence is much smoother.

Drake, the scientist geek noted it[, and] had Amy, and Doug help him pull the tree branches off a man[-]made hole that someone dug into the ground.
This is constructed poorly. The original reads as if Drake noted the branch had Amy. The comma should be before "and", and not after "Amy", to use commas that come in pairs correctly. Is it really necessary to say someone had dug it? That's pretty obvious from saying it's a man-made hole. Ma-made needs a hyphen.

The hole turned out to be walk-in hole, a slim area that led inside where it opened up to a wider area with a wooden ramp[,] to walk down into the enlarged hole.
See commas that come in pairs. Granted, without the middle the sentence would sound horrible, but the rule is still applicable.

The whole set up was intriguing, but [they all hoped] what was inside was more interesting, they all hoped.
Include "they all hoped" earlier in the sentence, so it doesn't come across as an afterthought.

Once they uncovered the hole completely[,] and the sun shined in on the area[,] they found brand new [name brand] boxes inside with name brands on each box. The new boxes titles ranged from microwave ovens to television sets, and all sorts of appliances. Most of the boxes were of new [expensive] flat screen television sets that were expensive. - Way too much reference to the word new; minimize its use. Also see commas that come in pairs.

Paragraph 6: “Wow…. Would you look at that stuff, someone is stealing and hiding it[,]” Amy said surprised. What a story for the school paper.
See punctuation for dialogue. Also, is that sentence I underlined supposed to be more of what Amy says? If so, where's the quotations?

Paragraph 7: “Man…It sure looks that way[," Doug agreed. "]If you write about it, you’ll need more information.” Doug agreed and suggested.
Umm.... Agreed and suggested? That just looks bad. I would pick one and drop the other. Also, see how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 8: Drake just stared
The person or people responsible for this much stolen stuff would not appreciate them finding it. Katy barked dragging their attention away from the walk-in hole and ran to another spot that appeared the same as the first, dead branches covering the top of a tarp.
Don't bother with "person or people"; I think it's safe to say it's "people". If the 2nd hole is the same as the first, it's not necessary to describe it again.

Drake and his friends investigated, and in all, found four holes dug out in the quarry ground filled with new boxes of appliances. This was a thought out place Drake and his co-detectives realized. The stash placed underneath a tarp, and tarp on the inside of the holes the stash sat upon. It was obvious the thieves were protecting the stash from rain and mud. Drake realized that he and his friends found the stash of the gang of thieves that had been on the news lately. Katy had a good nose for finding things[,] Drake thought[, followed with praise for] and then praised her.
Drake and his friends investigated, and in all, found four holes dug out in the quarry ground filled with new boxes of appliances. Tarp covered both on top, and inside the holes. It was obvious, from the placement of the tarps, that the thieves were protecting the stash from rain and mud. This was a thought out place Drake and his co-detectives realized. Drake realized that he and his friends found the stash of the gang of thieves that had been on the news lately. Katy had a good nose for finding things, Drake thought, followed with praise for her.
The original is a bit awkward and repetitive. I think this rephrasing would work better. Also, because Drake's thought is directly (not closely) related to Katy's finding abilities, a semi-colon is the wrong form of punctuation.

Paragraph 9: “What a good dog you are Katy[;] this is a great find.” He patted Katy [affectionately] and loved on her somewhat while Katy licked his face with pleasure. Doug and Amy joined Drake in praising Katy. After a few minutes of praise[,] Amy spoke up.
See when to use semi-colons and introductory commas. Also, the phrase, "and loved on her somewhat", is odd. I would just write "affectionately.

Paragraph 10: “Geez[]…[]I wonder, should we report this to the police,” Amy asked her co-detectives. - See how to use ellipses.

Paragraph 11: “I think we should take some of this stuff home[,]” Doug said excitedly. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 12: Doug set off to go [went] down into the hole of the original [uncovered] hiding place they uncovered, trying to reach a large flat screen T.V.
Awkward phrasing. A few changes should fix this.

Paragraph 13: “No Doug, don’t get your fingerprints on the evidence[,]” Drake called out, stopping Doug in his tracks. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 15: Drake gazed at his friends[.] “[B]esides[,] taking this home can get us in trouble[;] it would be like we were accomplices to the robberies[,]” Drake explained. - See punctuation for dialogue for the beginning and end of the sentence. Also see commas setting off interjections, (Besides, in this instance, is an interjection), and when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 16: Amy nodded her head in agreement. “That is true Doug; every mystery we’ve read explains that.” Amy nodded [tilted] her head toward the evidence[.] “[I]f we want to be detectives, we need to keep a clear head and remain legal in all our cases.” - See punctuation for dialogue and avoid excessive nodding (nodded is said too often).

Paragraph 19: “Well….[]This place has no way of using electricity, and with that said, we have no way of using plug[-]in electronics’ in this isolated haven[;] we’ll have to use a hand held camera. That means one of us will have to be here to record the thieves when they eventually come back.”
See how to use ellipses. The word "plug-in" should use a hyphen, and "electronics'" means "electronicses", which isn't a real word. Lose the s'. Also see when to use semi-colons, and get rid of the word "eventually".

Paragraph 21: “A good plan Amy, but it could be dangerous[,]” Doug commented as he too gathered his thoughts, grinning. “A hand held camera that offers night vision should do the trick.” Doug agreed.
See punctuation for dialogue. Also, having Doug first comment then agree in the same line is a bit odd. Assume the reader knows he agreed.

Paragraph 22: “Hmm[]…[]I think Amy’s mom has one of those[.] I remember her showing it to us when she bought it[,]” Drake supplied.
See how to use ellipses and punctuation for dialogue. This passage should be two sentences, not one.

Paragraph 23: “We’ll have to risk the danger in order to find the thieves[,]” Amy replied, her own smile lifting the corners of her mouth. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 24: Doug spoke up, [growing excited with the idea,] “We’ll do what the other detectives do, sit on the evidence. We’ll do it in shifts, that way one of us will be here [recording] when the thieves come back, recording.” Doug grew excited with the idea.
Recording should come after "will be here", so that it makes more sense in the context and doesn't come across as an afterthought. Same goes for Doug's excitement.

Paragraph 25: “Agreed[.]” Drake smiled[.] “Amy, can we borrow your mom’s hand held camera with the battery pack[,]” Drake asked, his own excitement running high.
See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 26: Amy frowned. “Yeah, I’ll get it[,]” [s]he promised . . . - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 27: “Looks like this may get dangerous; the area is well thought out, maybe professionals. We’ll have to remain quiet if they come back while were recording[,]” Amy stated with worry in her voice. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 28: “We can do it[,]” Doug insisted, . . . - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 29: “Yeah, we can do it[,]” Drake agreed. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 30: “Alright, let’s cover the holes back up, just as we found them, and get out of here. Then we have to agree on a schedule[,]” Amy announced . . .
See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 31: On the way home - Then Drake came up with a new theory as they walked to Drake[']s house with camera and battery pack in hand.
"Drake's" with an apostrophe "s", as there's only one Drake, not two.

Katy ran ahead catching the stick Drake threw. Katy’s white and brown muscled body running quickly with her tongue hanging out, way ahead of the group. Drake realized Katy needed some water. He stopped throwing the stick until Katy drank and relaxed in their air-conditioned home a few minutes away.
Drake tossed a stick ahead, and Katy's white and brown muscled body was seen quickly racing ahead to catch it. Seeing her tongue hanging out, Drake realized Katy needed some water, and stopped playing fetch with her. Only when they reached their air-conditioned home, and Katy had a chance to drink and relax, did Drake start tossing the stick to her again.
I wouldn't say my suggestion is perfect, but I'm much improved from the original, where the the mention of Katy's body running past seemed forced, and the events seemed disjointed.

Paragraph 33: “Look, I’ve been thinking about the thieves, it’s more likely the gang will come in the evenings[.] [In] broad daylight they’d be seen going into the quarry with the boxes,. . . ” - "In broad daylight", should begin a new sentence.

Paragraph 34: Drake thought for a moment and then added[,] “Another thought, the news says the thieves break into the stores during the late hours of the night. I believe that’d be the best time to catch them on video.” Drake gazed over at his friends to see if they agreed[;] he noted both heads bobbed up and down in agreement.
See punctuation for dialogue and when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 35: “And….[ ]With the kid at school it had to be just gone dark if he was on his way home. So it is possible the thieves will come when darkness falls. I agree, if we monitor before it grows dark until the early morning hours, we should catch them[,]” Doug agreed. - See how to use ellipses and punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 36: “They recalculated the surveillance schedule. . . . - Why is there an open quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence?

Paragraph 38: The young detectives
He was far enough inside the quarry not to worry about being seen, but he turned off his pen[-]flashlight, just in case. It’d gone on one a.m., his time to relieve Doug. Doug used the binoculars to see who was coming and was grateful to see Drake coming up the path they used.
A hyphen is needed for "pen-flashlight", and "they used" is unnecessary, as it's implied from the context of the passage.

Doug grunted and rose to his knees from laying [lying] down watching the area. - "Laying is used to refer to inanimate objection", whereas "lying" refers to living things.

Paragraph 39: “What’s up Doug[;] any action yet?” Drake whispered to his friend. - See when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 40: Naw - “This detective work is wearing me out[;] never been so tired in my life.” - See when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 41: “Yeah, now I realize how tough it is to stand by and wait for something to happen[,]” Drake agreed, keeping his voice low. “I did hear a couple of cars while I was walking up here, maybe it’s the thieves.” Drake hoped.
See punctuation for dialogue. Lose "Drake hoped". Unnecessary as it's repeated in the following two lines.

Paragraph 42: “One could hope, but we hear cars drive by all night long[,]” Doug replied. . . .” - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 43: “Really, maybe tonight is the night then. Man I hope so, I really miss my bed[,]” Doug replied. . . .
See punctuation for dialogue. Also, shouldn't Drake be the one speaking here???

Paragraph 44: “Where’s Katy?” Doug asked[, noting] Drake, noting he was alone.
Rephrasing is necessary so there's no confusion as to whether Doug is noting Drake is alone vs noting himself being alone.

Paragraph 45: “Had to leave her home[;] the heat is too much for her. Boy was she upset.” - See when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 47: Both boys heard [Hearing] some noise[,] and Doug lay back down on his stomach with the binoculars and [while] Drake held the cam recorder.
A simple rephrasing makes this sentence stronger.

Paragraph 48: “See anything[,]” Drake whispered to Doug. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 49: “Naw, nothing yet, too dark, but I can hear noises coming this way[,]” Doug replied just a softly. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 50: Both boys
Both boys kept their bellies on the ground while they waited and watched, listening for the men to grow [come] closer. Four men finally came into sight with the full moon[. O]ne of the men turned on a large flashlight that lit the area up somewhat. Each man had a big box[;] Drake started recording [them] from the hidden trees. The high ground slope worked [so] well with the recording, [that] Drake was able to follow the men every move they [the men] made.
If you said "for the men's voices to grow closer", then "grow" would make sense. Start a new sentence with "One". Also, see when to use semi-colons. The rephrasing and/or added words are necessary to make this passage come across as strongly as possible.

Paragraph 51: “When is this shipment going out Matt?” One of the guys asked the other. He was a tall, slim guy with blonde hair that just came out of the hole, dropping off his boxes.
“When is this shipment going out Matt?” The tall, slim guy with blonde hair asked after climbing out of the hole and dropping off his boxes.
This sounds much better once rephrased.

Paragraph 52: “Jim has it scheduled for Friday[;] we’ll have to come and load the U-Haul around midnight, and it’ll take six hours to get it over the county border and get this stuff off our hands[,]” The other guy[Matt], a rough looking man with broad shoulders, replied.
See when to use semi-colons and punctuation for dialogue. Also, as "the other guy's" name has just been mentioned, he can now be referred to as "Matt"

Paragraph 53: “Boy, the money form [from] this haul will be welcome when done[;] could use the every dime of the money it’ll bring.” The tall, blonde man spoke again.
Typo: "From" not "Form". Also, see when to use semi-colons.

Paragraph 54: “You two need to shut up, we can’t hear anything with all the mouth flapping[,]” This came from [said] an older man in the back of the line of the men.
See punctuation for dialogue. Use "said" as "this came from" sounds odd.

Paragraph 55: "Yeah, shut up. Silence is mandatory when hiding the stash[,]” [t]he third [fourth] guy said, and he appeared the youngest of the group with brown hair.
"Yeah, shut up. Silence is mandatory when hiding the stash,” said the fourth member of the group, a young man with brown hair.
Blonde guy, Matt, older man, and now a brown haired guy.... Shouldn't that mean he's the fourth guy? Also. the description needs to be rephrased so it fits smoothly, as opposed to coming across as forcing a describe for Guy #4 into the text.

Paragraph 55:
Drake and Doug stayed very quiet and unmoving while recording the silent men as they shov[ing] boxes into the ground. Drake and Doug were continually afraid of being caught with the camera[, b]ut the men did not note them at all. The men made several runs to drop off the stolen items and then covered the holes again with the tarps and branches. They left a few minutes later, still silent.
The first sentence could imply Drake and Doug shoved the boxes into the ground. Because of this, the sentence needs to be reworded more clearly. Do not use a conjunction like "but" at the start of a sentence, when it can clearly flow into the previous sentence. Why would the men need to be silent? They don't know anyone is there. I suggest removing the sentence.

Drake and Doug remained at their hidden spot until the sun came up, worried they’d have another load coming in and catch them leaving.
Drake and Doug remained at their hidden spot until the sun came up, worried that they would be caught leaving as the mean returned with another load.
The first part has what's called confusing modifiers. Who's coming in with another load, and who would catch who leaving, is written unclearly. You want to phrase this as clearly as possible so there's no room for confusion.

However, the men never came back[,] and Drake and Doug made their way through the quarry trees and bushes[. T]hey needed to inform Amy of the good news before she showed up at the quarry looking for them when they weren’t home yet.
See commas that come in pairs. Obviously "However, and Drake and Doug made their way through the quarry trees and bushes." doesn't sound right. Technically the "and" before Doug would be bracketed by commas according to this rule, but you're not really supposed to add a comma after "and". It is therefore and implied bracketing, and can be removed anyway. "They needed" should begin a new sentence, and "when they weren’t home yet" is unnecessary as it's implied she wouldn't go looking for them otherwise.

Paragraph 56: “Wow, this camera is good, the night vision makes it look like day[!] We have excellent video[.] [L]et’s go see your dad, Drake[;] is he on duty today?”
"Wow" implies excitement, so the punctuation should match. The semi-colon makes more sense between going to Drake's dad and asking if he's on duty, then it does by saying the video is excellent and going to see Drake's dad.

Paragraph 57: “They should be able to stake the place out Friday and catch them all red[-]handed with the stolen property.” Amy’s excitement grew.
Use a hyphen for "red-handed".

Paragraph 59: “I sure hope so, after all the waiting we did[,]” Doug said hopefully.
See punctuation for dialogue. If Doug says "I sure hope so", it's not necessary to write that he said it hopefully.

Paragraph 60: Drake, Amy, Doug, and Katy
Drake’s father was upset at the chance the children took watching the thieves but eventually he gave in to their request of tagging along with them [him] on the sting operation.
This makes it sound like Drake's dad tagged along with the kids, as opposed to the kids tagging along with him. Change "them" to "him".

Paragraph 61: Drake’s father
Katy even had [a] water bowl on the floor board of the car, and Drake had bottled water for them all in the back seat. Katy acted as if she knew what was going on, she had her nose to the window and watched as [watching] the kids did and [, causing ]Drake [to] chuckled at her antics.[ ]The take down was fast and clean[;] the sting commander video tapped the six men loading the U-Haul before the tak[ing] down and arresting the men. They also video taped from where the kids video taped making sure to collect the complete evidence of the ring uncovering the goods and carrying it to the U-Haul. They head man was there, the one paying for the stolen items[.] and [J]ust before the six men jumped into the U-Haul, with money in hand, the police surrounded them. The local and national news picked up the story[,] and some even used part of Amy’s story she wrote for the school paper.
First sentence: Missing the one "a", and "floorboard" should be one word. Second sentence: The wording needs rephrasing. There is also no space between the second and third sentences. Fourth sentence: See when to use semi-colons, "taped" with one "p", as "tapped" is the past tense for "tap". Also change the phrasing to say "before taking down". Fifth Sentence: "Videotaped" is one word. Sixth and Seventh Sentences: Typo: "The" not "They". Start a new sentence with "Just". Eight sentence: See Introductory commas


Paragraph 62: Drake, Doug, and Amy’s parents were proud but insisted that Drake, Doug, and Amy [the kids] give up detective work for a while, and concentrate on their school work. The kid’s promised to consider it even as they were [planning] off on another hunt for professional dog nappers.
Refer to them as "the kids" instead of writing all their names again. Use "planning", because they're not actually on the hunt while they're making promises to their parents.

Final Thoughts: Quite simply, it's the grammatical errors that drag this story's quality down. I cannot stress more the importance of self-editing. It's very important to double and even triple check your work for errors. Good luck with the revisions. Let me know when you'd made the fixes so I can adjust my rating accordingly.

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Hi raine, I'm not what you would call the most poetically inclined person, so my comments while be based mostly on grammar.

Emotional Reaction:
The poem was powerful. The darkness of the events in the little girl's life were written so clearly, that even those without a taste for poetry could not miss the message. It's always painful to hear that such things not only happen, but continue to happen. What makes it worse is that the parent involved either does not see, or refuses to see the problems their relationships can cause. It's important that they think not only of themselves. The must remember the child as well.

Style and Voice: The poem flowed well, and there was no confusion concerning the verses. This was well done.

Areas of Improvement/Grammar and Mechanics
Look at the verses as a single lines when applying punctuation. While poetry is written in a different form than other writing, many of those same rules still apply.
When to use semi-colon: When joining what could otherwise be two separate sentences, the two parts must be linked by a semi-colon. While it's true that a comma can be used as a stand-in for the word "and", you would still have to write, ", and", to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences. It can also be used to show a closer relationship between two sentences than a period would provide.
How to use a conjunction: While there are times a conjunction can begin a sentence, avoid doing so when ever possible. If it immediately follows a sentence that can connect directly to it, do not use it to start a new sentence.

Subtitle/Description: [T]rue story.([V]ery sad[.]) - Make sure to capitalize the beginning of sentences and punctuate the ends, even in the description.

1st verse: [L]ittle did she know her life was about to change, - Capital "L", as it begins a sentence.

4th verse: There was more to come for the girl[;] at home she hides from the man. - See when to use semi-colon.

6th verse: As more time slowly drifted by, she grew to be just fourteen. And [T]he abuse became worse, with less time in between. - See how to use a conjunction.

7th verse: Now she[']s never home anymore, shes punishes her body for a release. But [S]ometimes it goes too far, may she rest in peace.
See when to use semi-colon for the first sentence. If you don't want to use a semi-colon, you would have to change the first half of the sentence to read, "Now that she's never home anymore,". You're writing the shortened form of "she is", so you need an 's in the second half of the sentence, it should be "she" not shes". Also, see how to use a conjunction.

Final Thoughts: Not much to add beyond what I've written. Good work.

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Hi Kenner,

Overall Impression:
Woah. Powerful stuff. I wasn't expected much because of the description. I think you really undersold this piece. My first suggestion, before I even go into my thoughts on the story, is to come up with a description/subtitle that sells this story better. The combination of the events and the description used to describe Trent's rise and fall, and ultimate struggle just to find shelter is well crafted. As a reader, I find it difficult not to sympathize with hims plight. How the smallest of things can pile up until it snowballs is evident in the narrative. It's sad to see the life Trent must now live, because Trent comes across as so human. There are a few areas in grammar and presentation in this story that need improvement, but I feel this story deserves top marks despite the errors I've come across.

Favorite Line(s): The sun crawled into the sky with the painstaking slowness of a drunk waking after a three day binge.

Style and Voice:
This is a narrative presented at its finest. While the narrative is not told in Trent's voice, who and what he is as a person is laid (lain? I forget the particular grammar ruling at the moment) bare for the readers of this story to see.

Areas of Improvement:
A few things. Firstly there's the spacing. Don't use triple space, as it leaves too much open space on the page. Single space the story. (Also the current spacing is inconsistent.) Next, while this doesn't of a difference use the justify feature for this story. That and proper spacing will give this a cleaner crisper look. Next up, the description/subtitle just doesn't do this story justice. Using words like "kinda" and "loosely" dilute the message you should be getting across. That one word title is so strong and precise, and the description just kills it. I can't think of a good subtitle offhand, but even something like, "Documenting my last few years without shelter.", would be better. Not suggesting it as a final description, but you need something that will catch potential readers attention. Lastly, there's your story rating. I understand this is a very mature topic, but there's nothing that requires an adult rating. I suggest switching to an ASR Rating to open your work up to more people. If you feel it's too mature, at least knock it down to 13+.

Grammar and Mechanics: The issues below are with mid-sentence punctuation, including or removing words, and in one case a rephrasing of a sentence.

Paragraph 1:
The now silent house yearned for movement, but Trent could not seem to get off the couch. - Cut "to seem", as it weakens the image.

[He found t]he couch he found about a mile down the road.
Reading this quickly it sounds like he heard about a couch a mile down the road. Move "He found" to the beginning of the sentence, and it's much clearer.

He knew however, that as soon as this bit of weather broke[,] he would have to move on.
There's a comma rule concerning parenthetical elements which basically states that if a part of the sentence can be removed without changing the essential meaning of the sentence, it needs commas on both sides of it. "He knew however, he would have to move on." This does not mean the rest of the sentence is unimportant, just that the basic meaning remains without it.

He hadn’t had a home for almost two years now[, b]ut this had been nice. It was abandoned, but clean[,] having been one of the many empty [homes] after the last economic downturn.
While the conjunction "but" can begin a sentence, it's an exception and not the rule. When it can clearly continue the sentence preceding it, it should be part of that sentence. The second sentence here also uses parenthetical elements, and therefore needs the extra comma after "clean". While I know that you mean empty homes without the word homes being used, the sentence doesn't sound right without the addition of the word.

Paragraph 4:
He knew he was headed more or less south[;] winter was coming and he didn’t want to be caught out in any really bad weather. Trent had already drifted through several states, [though he] wasn't sure how many.
While the two parts of the first sentence are closely related, they could each be made into their own sentences. Because you want to keep them more closely connected than a period would indicate, a semi-colon is the correct form of punctuation to use. "Though he" is needed in the last sentence for it to sound correct.

Paragraph 5:
Now however[,] judging by the sun[,] he was headed south once again. - Parenthetical elements again.

Final Thoughts:
Very good stuff, but if you want to present this at its strongest, you'll need to first correct the grammar and spacing issues, and then come up with a description/title that is more likely to grab a readers attention. I'm glad I read this.

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Hey Deborah,

Overall Impression:
Interesting choice for a poem. Using a poetic verse to both focus on what a fantasy story should be, and what it should avoid. Cliches need desperately to be stamped out of writing habits, so glad you picked on it. I also appreciated that you picked on the laziness theme. Too many writers take the easy way out, pretending there are no language barriers and that horses have unlimited running power. Very good points.

Favorite Line(s): I liked the line below because it was a blatant misuse of grammar, yet it fit perfectly with the message you wanted to convey.
She wrote a prologue, then a prophecy too
Made Myst’cik Lang’uage from syllable stew

Grammar and Mechanics: Not including intentional errors in grammar, I spotted only one or two mistakes.
And dark demons’ own selves - Demonses, which is what's implied by the s' would be the horribly wrong plural for demons. The plural for demons is demons.

Her sentences ran on… (and on at ya)
If the ellipses uses here ends a sentence, you need four dots. Three for the ellipses, one for the period at the end of the sentence. If it's meant to be the middle of a sentence, you would need a space between the word on and the ellipses that follow it.

Final Thoughts:
I basically approached this the way I would approach a story, as I'm not much for focusing on rhythm and rhyme. The last line felt like it was kind of tossed in just to say focus on editing, but overall this is a good piece.

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Hi Captain Reid,

Overall Impression:
Overall (excluding the description not fitting the story), I thought this story was told well. The imagery was solid, and the tale leading up to Irving's demise was intriguing. How he came to be the whipping boy for the drill sergeants was unfortunate. The torture he was submitted to would have been difficult on anyone in his position. How Puckett himself acted years later, showed that Irving was not the only tortured soul in the platoon. I enjoyed reading this.

Favorite Line(s): F Irving. That’s right. Forget Irving.
Mostly because it's obvious that you're censoring yourself, and that 'F' doesn't stand for 'forget'.

Style and Voice:
Told in the voice of a soldier and his

Areas of Improvement:
The description/subtitle, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What I'm seeing is the story of a tortured solider. What I'm not seeing is the birth of a hero or a villain. Other then some minor grammatical issues, none. Was "Chicken Walk" villainous? Perhaps a little bit. He wasn't exactly a villain though, and there weren't any heroes in this story that I could see. I think you need a more applicable subtitle. Additionally there's an issue with inconsistent punctuation. Either punctuate all of the paragraphs or punctuate none of them. Punctuating them randomly just looks bad.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Most of the issues I saw concerned writing what should be one sentence as two.

Paragraph 2: I met him
Nothing genetic[, j]ust a result of looking at the ground and carrying your head in a submissive way. - This should be one sentence.

Worse[, h]e made desperate little grunts as he ran around. - This should be one sentence.

Paragraph 7: Near the end
There was a short front wall with a window- like opening that looked down into a canyon. - No space in 'window-like'.

Paragraph 8: The drill sergeants
The drill sergeants reported that Irving had panicked and froze with the grenade[, b]ut Puckett my buddy [Puckett] said that Irving pulled the pin and placed the grenade to his neck just under his chin.
This should be one sentence. The reason I change the order of 'my buddy' and 'Puckett' is to avoid excessive commas. Otherwise, it would look like this: 'but Puckett, my buddy, said that . . .'

Paragraph 13: He laughed
He pointed at me, “Not like you[. . . .] Now, you are gonna be a great killer.
Now I'm not entirely sure, but based on books I've been reading lately, when ellipses are used at the end of a sentence to indicate a trail off, it's a set of three dots plus a period to end the sentence. Otherwise, ellipses are only three dots. Also, since it's ending a sentence, and not occurring in the middle of a sentence, the period should not come in contact with the word that follows it.

Paragraph 22: I saw Puckett 10 years later.
Puckett just laughed it off[, b]ut I noticed his eyes and mouth were open too far. - This should be one sentence.

Final Thoughts:
Overall, a quality story. Irving's self-destruction, reminds be vaguely of Private Pile's in Full Metal Jacket, only without all the creepiness of the moment, and without sharing the violence with the others around them. Good stuff, just change the description to fit the story. And yes, I'm aware I keep repeating that. :)

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Hi Biblio,

Overall Impression:
This was without a doubt, an odd tale. The title therefore is very fitting. The general tone of the story is very sedated. Normally, one would think it odd that there is so little display of emotion. The Fryhoppers however, are not typical people. So diligent about the work of taxidermy, and so removed from the norms of life, that they are unable to feel the pain of loss. How can they possibly feel loss, when there is no loss. To them so long as something is preserved, it is always with them. Therefore, when the tragedy of Curtis occurs, and Jezediel "fixes it", not only is it a job well done, but it's a form of art and a recovery of life.

Favorite Line(s): "Oh, Jezediel, this is wonderful. You have brought your work home."
I chose this line because it conveys that same lack of emotion throughout. Even though Jezediel wasn't entirely sure his wife would understand, the conclusion was inevitable. They were beyond the feelings of loss, because they couldn't see the loss. The preservation was enough for the Fryhoppers, so that life went on without a hitch.

Style and Voice:

Areas of Improvement/Grammar and Mechanics:
The only areas of improvement I see for this particular story concerns grammar. Half of grammar issues (The lack of caps and a misplaced spacing), appear to be issues of not paying too close attention to what was being typed. The rest of the issues are punctuation (primarily commas).

Paragraph 1: Tomorrow was the memorial service; to the residents of Sunham Place[,] Mr[.] Fryhopper's son was lost at sea. [T]hey had no idea he had been recovered by his father.
Sunham Place should be separated from Mr. Fryhopper's, so that there is no confusion of his name being part of the residency. 'Mr.', should end with a period because it is an abbreviated form of 'Mister'. 'They' should be capitalized, because it begins a new sentence.

Paragraph 3: [H]e had his van parked nearby. - 'He' needs to be capitalized.

Paragraph 4: Niceties were observed[;] people said pleasant things to Jezediel[,] but did they understand how important Curtis had been to him?
The two parts I show separated by a semi-colon, are separated that way because they can be read as two separate sentences. When that occurs, but you want to keep them connected because they are closely related, a semi-colon works better than a period or a comma. The reason for the comma because 'but', is because it is used to indicate a natural hesitation in the text.

Paragraph 6: [H]e hoped so. - 'He' needs to be capitalized.

Paragraph 7: The shutters were drawn tight but would rattle[,] and the wind would whistle through the trees, along guttters, down leafy lanes.
Here the comma is needed to separate the rattling of the shutters, and the wind whistling.

Paragraph 12: Sporting a football strip and clutching a football[,] he sat proud as a peacock.
When one part of the sentence is introducing the next, and there is a natural hesitation, a comma should be used in between.

Paragraph 13:
On the sign outside the shop it said[,] ' Jezediel Fryhopper, Taxidermist to cater for all your needs'. - There should be a comma after said. Also, The space before Jezediel Fryhopper shouldn't be there.

Jezediel had excelled himself[, a]nd Verity, on seeing Curtis, exclaimed, . . . - These two sentences should be connected.

Paragraph 14: After all, if Jezediel could preserve people's pets[,] how much more would he be eager to preserve the life of his one and only son.
There is a natural hesitation that occurs between the reference to preserving pets, and how much Jezediel would want to preserve his son.

Final Thoughts:
This was a very weird piece, but it was also very unique. It was disturbing without being graphic or bloody. While I won't claim it's my favorite story, I liked it. It's always nice to see a different approach to writing.

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Hi Eloy,

Overall Impression:
I honestly had a big problem with this story. Because of how it was written, this was difficult to follow. I notice you took the time to identify the speakers by coloring the text, but you didn't put enough effort into phrasing lines clear enough to know who was being referred to otherwise. I think I figured out how to approach this piece, so I'll try to do so section by section.

Summary of what I think this story is about:
Okay, I had to read this a few times because this was just confusing. Here's what I think was going on. At some point, before the initial dialogue begins, Brian must have told his Julie that he was in love with her. (Which would have been helpful to know going into the story at the beginning.) Because Julie is already in love with Ivan, she can't be with Brian. She initially tries to comfort him, but realizes it would be easier to end the friendship with Brian, than have him suffer knowing that she will never be with him. What this first section desperately needs, is more background detail. While the details are clear in your mind, take into account that your readers don't think the same way you do. A simple line like, "I'm sorry Brian, but we can't be together. I'm in love with Ivan.", would have clarified so much of what was going on at the start of the story.

Shortly after, Ivan walks in on Brian and Julie. Seeing them in close proximity, he assumes incorrectly, that Julie has chosen to be with Brian over him. Letting his jealousy get the best of him, he storms off. In what would appear to be less than a week passing, the breakup caused by a jealous misunderstanding so deeply affected Ivan, that he became a rebellious bad boy. They meet again, days after the initial fight, and everyone involved is still in a great deal of emotional pain. The first thing Ivan does is to confront and falsely accuse Brian of stealing Julie from him. Then he insults Julie, and basically says he can find a girl who's better than her. Brian, hearing Julie being insulted, is overcome by anger and punches Ivan in the face. Ivan's friends, who I don't see any indication of actually existing anywhere in the story, hold Ivan back and keep him from attacking Brian. Either you have to write these mysterious friends into the scene, or come up with another reason for why Ivan doesn't fight back.

Brian shouts at Ivan telling him to shut up because he doesn't know anything. Brian is implying that even after the fight Julie and Ivan had a few days ago, Julie still wants to be with Ivan and not him. Ivan, in his anger, still misreads the situation, and continues to verbally attack Brian and Julie. Julie, no longer wanting to deal with Ivan's anger, takes Brian's hand and suggests they leave. Julie decided to leave with Brian, and maintain their friendship, instead of staying and dealing with Ivan's jealousy.

Months have gone by since Brian and Julie have last seen Ivan. At some point, something happened to Julie, either an accident or a decease, and she has ended up in the hospital. Why is there no mention of what happened? It's a pretty big jump to suddenly have Julie appear in the hospital. Don't you think there should have been some reference to when, why, and how she has ending up in the hospital? This is a pretty large gaping plot hole to have in a story. Back to the subject matter. With her surgery coming, Brian attempts to reassure her, by telling her she needs to live not only for them, but for Ivan. Julie interrupts him before he can mention Ivan's name, because hearing Ivan's name again is too painful for her. Brian tries to convince Julie that Ivan should know Julie is going into surgery, and her chances aren't very good. Julie, already convinced she won't survive, thinks it's better to spare Ivan the pain.

Brian himself no longer believes Julie is going to survive, but he tries to deny it. Speaking to Julie for the last time, Brian practically begs for Julie to survive. Julie's response is that Ivan should be told that she'll wear his ring until her final moments. This is a reversal of her her original desire not to tell Ivan. Also, Julie has apparently been engaged or possibly married to Ivan this entire time, which comes as a shock to me, because this is the first time anything of the sort is mentioned. Don't you think this is an important enough detail to occur let's say . . . somewhere towards the start of the story? You can't leave these things out.

Brian is having a difficult time dealing with Julie's sickness, and tries calling Ivan to let him know she's in the hospital. Ivan meanwhile is so hurt by the breakup with Julie, that he wants to forget all about her. Unable to stop thinking about her, he contemplates suicide. While Ivan is thinking this he receives a call from Brian. The call tells Ivan about Julie's true feelings. Ivan is informed that Julie still loves him, and has been hurting herself so that Ivan wouldn't suffer. Brian then tells Ivan that Julie is in the Operating Room for a heart transplant, and that she might not survive the surgery. Now we're finally getting somewhere. She's in the hospital for a heart transplant. Don't you think this would have been relevant earlier in the story? The reason is finally stated, far later than it should be. The reason behind why she needs a heart transplant in the first place is not mentioned anywhere. As a reader I either have to come up with some reason on my own, or assume she's so heartbroken from being apart from Ivan, that it's killing her. Either way, it'd be nice to be told what's actually going on. The next section talks about Ivan remembering happier times with Julie. In response to Brian's call, Ivan rushes to the hospital. He makes it to the hospital, and goes inside, to sees Julie being brought out of the room. He gets a chance to say he's sorry and that he loves her, but is still forced to ask the question if this will be the last time he ever sees her.

Moving on to the epilogue . . . what just happened? Forgetting for a moment the issues of going directly from the prologue to the epilogue (which I will talk about in areas of improvement) . . . you changed the entire narrative of the story. The "Prologue" was told in Third Person P.O.V. (Point of View). 3rd person is basically where you, as the narrator, are telling the story. The "Epilogue" was told in First Person P.O.V. (Point of View). What? The point of view can't just change like that. If you as the writer are taking the role of narrator in the first half, suddenly making Ivan the narrator in the second half does not work and it does not make any sense to tell the story that way. I was going to review the epilogue, but as this story stands it doesn't make sense to do so. I can't suggestion revisions or make grammar checks in the second half, if you have to change the entire format for the second story. Make sure to read the grammar and mechanics section below, as that section states specific items or lines that need to be corrected.

Areas of Improvement:
The first thing that struck me was that this story has an prologue and epilogue. Why? A prologue and epilogue are meant to be an introduction and conclusion to a story. Without a body of work in between, calling your chapters epilogue and prologue is meaningless. It's the equivalent of offering someone a sandwich, and then giving them two slices of bread. Here's what you need to do first: Change Prologue and Epilogue to Part One and Part Two. Next, apply the revisions and grammar corrections I've made. After that is done, fill in all those missing details and plot holes. Let me know when you'd done so, and I'll be happy to take a look. Then, and only then, when the necessary corrections are made to the prologue are made, is it time to move on to the epilogue. Ignore the Epilogue until everything in the Epilogue, or should I say Part 1, as it should be named, is corrected. Then, and only then, will you be ready to ready to tackle the second half of the story.

Grammar and Mechanics:

PROLOGUE
Section 1: Everything's going to be alright
Okay, I had to read this a few times because this was just confusing. Here's what I think was going on. At some point, before the initial dialogue begins, Brian must have told his Julie that he was in love with her. Because Julie is already in love with Ivan, she can't be with Brian. She initially tries to comfort him, but realizes it would be easier to end the relationship, then to let Brian remain her friend, but suffer knowing that she will never be with him. What this first section desperately needs, is more background detail. While the details are clear in your mind, take into account that your readers don't think the same way you do. A simple line like, "I'm sorry Brian, but we can't be together." would have clarified so much of what was going on at the start of the story.

Shortly after, Ivan walks in on Brian and Julie. Seeing them in close proximity, he assumes incorrectly, that Julie has chosen to be with Brian over him. Letting his jealousy get the best of him, he storms off. Before the week is over, the three come together again. Everyone involved is still in emotional pain. The first thing Ivan does is to confront Brian for stealing Julie from him. Then he insults Julie, and basically says he can find a girl who's better than her.

“Everything’s gonna be alright,” Julie said with a weak smile on her face. With Brian’s emotionless reaction, she gave him a tap on his shoulder for assurance.
"Everything's gonna be alright," Julie smiled weakly, responding to Brain's emotionless reaction with a reassuring tap on the shoulder.
The original just doesn't quite say what it's supposed to say. A bit of rephrasing fixes this issue, and makes the line more understandable.

Julie, a girl who love a boy, but she sacrificed their relationship before it hurts them to bits. She thought that this is the better way to handle things than to let him suffer the pain.
Julie was a girl who loved a boy; unfortunately for Brian, that boy wasn't him. Rather then let Brian suffer, and have her relationship with Ivan tear Brian apart, she decided it would be better off if she and Brian didn't see each other any more.

Section 2: So, here are the lovers, who actually betrayed me
Here Ivan walks in on Brian and Julie. Seeing them in close proximity, he assumes incorrectly, that Julie has chosen to be with Brian over him. Letting his jealousy get the best of him, he storms off.

“So, here are the lovers[ ]who actually betrayed me,” Ivan exclaimed in a browbeat voice. He gave them derogatory looks and left the place with his perks [head held high].
The comma between 'lovers' and 'who' is unnecessary, the word 'actually' diluted the strength of the sentence; I suggest leaving out the word 'actually'. I wasn't sure what you meant by 'perks', because I've never seen the word used that way before. Looking it up, it appears you intended to mean Ivan left with his head held high. Here is the definition, as given by Merriam-webster, that you appear to be working off of: "to thrust up the head, stretch out the neck, or carry the body in a bold insolent manner." Because of how the sentence is structured though, it doesn't quite work. I suggest simplifying the vocabulary, and using 'head held high' in this instance. The other advantage of doing so, is that you end up using alliteration.

Section 3: Ivan, he is the man whom Julie loves much.
Apparently in a period of less than a week, the breakup caused by a jealous misunderstanding so deeply affected Ivan, that he became a rebellious bad boy.

Ivan, he is the man whom Julie loves much. Julie is still in love with Ivan, but b]ecause of their break up, he changed into a rebellious, bad boy.

Section 4: It took days for them to meet again
Again, it seems less than a week has passed since the breakup, and everyone involved is still in emotional pain. The first thing Ivan does is to confront Brian for stealing Julie from him. Then he insults Julie, and basically says he can find a girl who's better than her.

It took days for them to meet again, different place, and different time. But the same people, the same heartaches.
It was days before they met again. Though it was a different time and place, they were still the same people, and the heartaches remained.
The phrasing is a bit clearer this way.

Is it been a while since we talked? It's been awhile since we last talked, hasn't it?
The original is incorrectly phrased; the new version is the right way to ask the question.

I can found a new you. I can find someone better than you.
The original is problematic. Firstly, the tenses are incorrect. Ivan is trying to say he can find someone better, yet he's referring to a future action by speaking in past tense. Additionally, if he's trying to replace her, or imply he's going to replace her, the cutting remark would want to show he's going to find someone better. Why would he want to find a girl just like her, if he considers her "crap".

Section 5: With Brian’s uncontrolled anger
Brian, hearing Julie being insulted, is overcome by anger and punches Ivan in the face. Ivan's friends, who I don't see any indication of actually existing anywhere in the story, hold Ivan back and keep him from attacking Brian.
With Brian’s uncontrolled anger, he pulled back Ivan and punched him in the face.
Overcome by anger, Brian punched Ivan in the face.
The original is awkwardly phrased, I suggest this as a much clearer way of describing this scene.

Ivan was about to punch back but he was stopped by his friends [a glance from Julie].
What? What friends? At no point in the narrative does it mention Ivan's friends anywhere. Either you'll have to write some friends for Ivan into the story, of this line has to be changed. I suggest that Julie's glance is enough to stop him, otherwise you'd have to change a lot of detail.

“What do I need to know?” Ivan asked that leaves [leaving] an awkward silence on both sides.
Incorrect tense used.

Section 6: Days, weeks, and months have passed
Months have gone by seen Brian and Julie have last seen Ivan. At some point, something happened to Julie, either an accident or a decease, and she has ended up in the hospital. With her surgery coming, Brian attempts to reassure her, by telling her she needs to live not only for them, but for Ivan. Julie interrupts him before he can mention Ivan's name, because hearing Ivan's name again is too painful for her. Brian tries to convince Julie that Ivan should know Julie is going into surgery, and her chances aren't very good. Julie, already convinced she won't survive, thinks it's better to spare Ivan the pain.

“Live for us, especially for[ ]. . .”
Leave a space between ellipses and any word that comes before or after it. You should also leave a space between each of the individual dots. Apply this to every instance in this story that you use ellipses.

“It’s time for him to know,” [Brian said.]but [S]he shook her head, “It’s better for him not to know, now that everything’s got to end.”
If two different people are talking, they shouldn't share a sentence. What they say can't be part of the same sentence, unless they are saying the same thing at the same time.

Section 7: The doctor signaled the male nurses
Brian himself no longer believes Julie is going to survive, but he tries to deny it. Speaking to Julie for the last time, Brian practically begs for Julie to survive. Julie's response is that Ivan should to be told that she'll wear his ring until her final moments. This is a reversal of her her original desire not to tell Ivan. Also, Julie has apparently been engaged or possibly married to Ivan this entire time, which comes as a shock to me, because this is the first time anything of the sort is mentioned.

For the la-a[ .]. .,” he sighed,
Ellipses should always be three dots.

“If he wants to know about me, tell him that I’ll wear the ring until my last breathe,” and she was delivered inside [she said as she was brought into] the Operating Room.
She was delivered inside the operating room? If I was to base my reading on what the sentence says instead of actual common sense . . . this sentence has Julie talking to Brian, and then moments later, either someone is giving birth to Julie, or she has been received like a package.

Section 8: Minutes and hours passed
Brian is having a difficult time dealing with Julie's sickness, and tries calling Ivan to let him know she's in the hospital. Ivan meanwhile is so hurt by the breakup with Julie, that he wants to forget all about her. Unable to stop thinking about her, he contemplates suicide. While Ivan is thinking this he receives a call from Brian. The call tells Ivan about Julie's true feelings. Ivan is informed that Julie still loves him, and has been hurting herself so that Ivan wouldn't suffer. Brian then tells Ivan that Julie is in the Operating Room for a heart transplant, and that she might not survive the surgery.

I couldn’t [can't] handle it no [any]more, Brian told himself and tried to call the girl she love’s love one [as he tried to call Ivan].
. . . I'm going to assume you meant Brian tried to call Ivan, and base my corrections on that.

On the other hand, Ivan, no signs of him, even no news from him, was sitting on a sidewalk bench. He was trying to forget the woman he loves wholeheartedly.
Meanwhile, Ivan, who had completely disappeared from their lives, was sitting on a sidewalk bench. He was trying to forget the Julie and the love he felt for her.
The structure of these two sentences don't make a lot of sense, so I had to suggest rephrasing most of it.

“I can’t,” he whispered, “Why? Can [can't] I just kill myself to forget the pain?” but [As Ivan tried to forget Julie,] a phone call disturbed his momentum.
The phone call can't disturb his momentum if his thoughts have already concluded.

“Julie loves you so much[, s]he will [would] even jump [off] a building for you.
Missing would. Keep your tenses straight.

She loves you so much that she allowed herself to be hurt that you to suffer in the end so that you wouldn't suffer.
I'm guessing the message here is supposed to say Julie allowed herself to be hurt so Ivan wouldn't suffer. The phrasing implied here says she was allowing herself to be hurt to make Ivan suffer. I don't think that's what you meant.

She is now in the Operating Room and the heart transplant was killing her to death.”
Julie's dying. She's in the Operating Room for a heart transplant, and she might not survive the ssurgery.
Why would the heart transplant be killing her? Is the message here supposed to be that she's dying and needs a heart transplant, because that's much different than what's being said here.

Section 9: Ivan was dumbfounded
Ivan remembers happier times with Julie.

Ivan was dumbfounded, and all he knew, [as] he was running [ran] towards the hospital.
I'm not sure what 'and all he knew' has to do with anything. I suggest removing it and fixes the tenses from was running to run.

Every step he take [took], he think [thought] of the times they we’re [were] together.
Keep your tenses straight. Also, we're means we are. The word you should be using is were.

First monthsary… [monthiversary . . .]
It's not a real word either way, but if you're going to use it, this is how it would be written.

The small things they make [made] just to keep them in touch.
Tenses and unnecessary word.

Like calling each other just to say, “I Love You[.]”
Sentences can't end with a comma. Use a period.

Or even go out in [to] a park without any reason.
I think this should say, "Or even go to a park for no reason", but I'll leave that up to you.

Section 10: Not now
Ivan is saying he still can't handle being without her, as he remembers the words from Brian's call. He makes it to the hospital, and goes inside. He sees Julie being brought out of the room. He gets a chance to say he's sorry and that he loves her, but is still forced to ask the question if this will be the last time he ever sees her.

“Not now, Julie. I can’t still handle [it].”
Don't leave out words.

“She holds on a memory she never regretted,” words that echoes in his mind.
"She holds on to memories she'll never regret." Brian's call echoed in his mind.
In addition to correcting the phrasing, it's necessary to clarify it's Brian's call, so that there's no confusion that the two men are physically next to one another.

Before he could make [take] a step, Julie was delivered [brought] out of the room. There, he saw a smile from [on] her face.

In his disbelief, he kneeled [knelt] down in front of Julie and touched her face[.]
This should end with a period. While technically kneeled is correct, the more accepted speech is knelt.

He held her hand and said, “I [l]ove[d] you from the first minute we met[ . . .]”
Keep your tenses straight, don''t randomly capitalize, and remember the ellipses rule from earlier.



Final Thoughts:
I'm sorry if this seems insulting, but this is the only way I know how to make it clear just how much work this story really needs. Please take the time to make these corrections, and let me know when you've begun doing so. I'll be happy to help you along the way as you make your revisions, but until you start making those necessary changes there's nothing else I can do for you. There is definitely a story in here, but because of how it is presented, the story is in need of a massive rehauling.

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Hi Janice,

Overall Impression:
The descriptions were very good at depicting the picture you were painting. It started off much slower than I prefer, but over all it was written well. The sensation Dorthy and Ray felt in their isolation was interesting. How neither of them felt isolated, and how they felt more in touch with the world around them by being in their solitude, was unique. Many people live in areas that are crowded, yet they may as well be living in that isolation. Here, alone with just themselves and nature, Dorthy and Ray were more in touch with the world than those who live in big cities. From beginning to end, because of how the story was presented, the events were believable.

Favorite Line(s):
They brought their radio out with them in the evening. Without it, the dead silence of the night was just too much for them. The serenade had ended.
This is a very powerful and moving line. I can almost feel their loss. Here they found, to use a cliche phrase, a slice of paradise. Everything was wonderful for them. They had everything they wanted, and then the world moved in. The sadness conveyed by having to use a radio to replace the voices of the night are clearly felt. The radio is, without a doubt, a poor substitute for what they once had.

Character Interaction:
The interactions themselves were mostly the characters shooting the breeze with one another. Not my particular style, but it was presented well. I think my favorite interactions involved how Dorthy felt about the coyotes. It was unexpected, yet it felt natural in the context.

Areas of Improvement:
These are more visual complaints than actually issues with the story itself. The title, section breaks and the words "the end" are all off center. This could be easily fixed by using the center text button in the toolbar, instead of trying to center items manually. The second issue I have is with the spacing. Because your paragraphs are short, all the extra spacing sticks out like a sore thumb. There's as much white space on the page, if not more, as there is text. I suggest cutting the triple spacing down to single spacing. Your story will look much better this way.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Very minimal. A comma commas, use of ellipses, and inconsistent quotation marks.

Section 2
Paragraph 27:
In all honesty, guys, we[ . . . ]well maybe me more than Dotty, we really don’t want any more neighbors.
I don't personally understand why it's necessary, but ellipses are treated like a three letter word. Each dot should have a space between themselves, and their surrounding words.

I have to remember bread and milk[,] or it’s a forty-minute drive!
Here you need to separate a list from the statement following it.

Section 4
Paragraph 2: She took
Dorothy had nick-named it 'God’s Little Acre." 'God's Little Acre'.
While it's not so important if you use ' vs ", they need to be consistent. Additionally, the period should be placed after the closing quotes, not before it.

Section 5
Paragraph 1:
Three houses have been built since that day[,] and Dorothy and Ray are getting used to seeing other cars on their road.
The comma rule for this sentence, is referred to as introductory elements. When there is a natural hesitation between the part of the sentence that is introducing, and the part that is being introduced, a comma is necessary.

The End.
The 'E' in end should be capitalized, and the ellipses here serve no purpose. They would only make sense if 'To Be Continued' was written instead.

Final Thoughts:
While not the type of story I generally prefer reading, the quality of the story is good. Therefore I will base my overall rating on what I think most people would think of this story vs my personal tastes. Well written and well presented.

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Hi Sid,

Overall Impression:
The poetry seemed a bit forced. You worked so hard at making sure each section rhymed and each section ended in 'I remember that day', that it comes across as a bit stiff. The title and subtitle/description don't really fit well. Who's Judy; is Judy the narrator of the poem? I think the title is a poor choice. Memories of an Old Man would have been a far better title, and you would of course have to choose a different description.

Areas of Improvement:
Overall, the presentation is too stiff and forced. I understand you want to keep the rhyming scheme and that ending line, but for this to be a good poem, the piece has to loosen up. It just doesn't feel natural in its telling.

Grammar and Mechanics:
To your brother[']s superior position,
From what I understood, there was just one brother, so 's is needed.

Thank God[,] Mom never knew the words,
Unless God's last name is Mom, you'll need a comma.

Final Thoughts:
I wish I could be more specific with my suggestions, but I'm not the most poetically inclined person. Think about ways to loosen up the poem, and make it sound more natural. I hope this helps.

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Hi Corey,

Overall Impression:
I liked it. I thought it was a very interesting tale. While I've seen the concept before (Children of the Corn to name a more well known one), the actual story itself was original. The title was a great choice. I was expecting the creatures would be angels, so describing them as some bird-like creatures, while close, was a nice little twist. Normally I would say the description/subtitle is a bit long, but it works here; don't change it. This is a dark story showing how people can accept even the most foolish notions as an article of faith. The people of the town, are so beaten and broken down, that they see the single yearly sacrifice as their road to salvation. They can not see that death is slowly claiming them one by one. In the end, Charlie is the only one who understands. If true salvation is ever going to occur, it is up to Charlie to ensure it happens.

Favorite Line(s):
Everyone watched the sacrifice, even the screaming mother, even Mr. Usher as he held onto Karole who was staining his shirt with tears and snot, and even Charlie, whose eyes blazed with fire and hatred, as he watched the Nightscalps rip his dad apart.

Style and Voice:
An old dusty small town. It kind of had a western feel to it. It suited the story rather nicely.

Areas of Improvement:
In addition to the grammatical issues mentioned below, there are issues with the presentation itself. The most obvious thing is the inconsistent indentation. While you're pretty good at remembering to indent most of the time, for whatever reason the first paragraph in each of your sections is not indented. Make sure all your paragraphs are indented. The next issue is how the paragraphs are broken apart. I'll include a block from your third section to show what I'm referring to:

         The sun had half descended into the earth when they came. The townspeople were outside; all of them were staring at the dark figures flying across the horizon toward the town. Bill was there with his two children who were pressing against his legs, one on each side, along with his mother. Mr. Usher was there, too, lighting up another smoke. There were about sixty people living in the town, so the odds of getting picked were extremely high. When Charlie and Karole were born, there were a little over two-hundred and sixty people. Eight years have passed and that number has dwindled immensely. Only Mr. Usher knew how many people had lived here during the towns starting days, but Bill didn’t care to know the statistics on that.

         They all stood on the dirt-coated ground, watching the sky that many of the people considered it looked like it was on fire. The figures grew closer, and Bill’s children gripped harder on his legs, his mother gripped Bill’s hand tighter as well. Mr. Usher let out a booming cough that made several people jump on their heels and look around wide-eyed. He spit out another round of slime and continued smoking. Karole stared at the dark figures until they landed on the dried up soil, one by one, they had arrived. Gusts of dirt flew into the air and stung Charlie’s eyes. Another cloud of dirt collided into Bill’s eyes, but he didn’t notice. His vision was fixed on the beings responsible for the town’s never-ending terror. “They’re here, daddy,” Karole whispered and snuggled closer to Bill.

Because of the length of the story, you should try to avoid the shorter 2 or 3 sentence paragraphs, unless dialogue prevents you from doing otherwise. Additionally, the current presentation makes it difficult to read. Instead of mashing all the information together, separate the paragraphs with a single space. To separate the sections like you had indicated with a single space, you can mark it with something like this ***, ---, or ===. Presentation is in many ways as important as the story itself. If you had a job interview, would you walk in with a stained t-shirt and muddy pants? Of course not. Now matter how good or qualified you are, you'd want you appear presentable. The same goes for a good story. No matter how good the content is, you want a clean and crisp presentation. This is a good story, but it suffers because it's poorly dressed in its current presentation. I want you to take a look at this story and then take a look at one of mine. Don't read either, don't bother focusing on titles or the description, just look at the text layout. Based on textual layout alone, ask yourself which story you'd rather read. In addition to making your story more appealing, it makes it a lot easier to actually read. Proper spacing makes it much easier to read and edit the material. You'll notice when the text itself is presented in a clean and crisp manner, reading and editing is significantly faster.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Semi-colons - These are used when you want to take two complete but closely related sentences, and combine them into one. Because there are a few instances in the text below where a semi-colon is needed, I've decided to describe it once here, and simply state where else it is needed. All the other issues will be referred to as the corrections are indicated.

Section 1
Paragraph 1: He’ll shovel[ed] about two more loads before wiping his brow[,] and sit[ting] in one of his old rockers with an unlit cigarette resting on his lower lip.
'He'll' is future tense, which doesn't match up with the rest of the tale being told. This change makes it necessary to change 'sit' to 'sitting'. Additionally, the first half of the sentence is introducing the second half, with an implied hesitation in the text, a comma is needed.

Paragraph 4: Bill penetrated
His gaze was fixed on the horizon; the sun looked like a giant orange being sucked into the ground where he was standing. He wiped his hands across his white shirt and pants[,] and placed them in his pockets[;] his lips were a thin line pasted on his face.
I think it's obvious from what's written, that from where Bill is standing, the sun is being sucked into the ground. It is both an unnecessary addition, and it reads as if he's seeing it as if it's happening literally by his feet. Best to cut that part of the sentence out. The comma is needed to separate the list of shirt and pants from the action of placing his hands in his pants. The 2nd sentence needs a semi-colon.

Paragraph 5: Yup
“I’ll give ‘em [. . . ]oh[ . . .] twenty, thirty minutes at most before they show up.”
According to the current rules of grammar, the dots which comprise ellipses should be separated from both themselves and the words that come before or after them. Because ellipses are used multiple times in this story, it's easier to list it once, so I won't bother marking the other instances. Make sure to correct the other areas where ellipses appear.

Paragraph 6: Bill’s heart
Bill’s heart started to shutter[ed], almost as if electricity was circuiting through his chest. He took a deep breath and that seemed to calm it, but not much[, but that did little to calm it].
The words 'shuttered, as if', provide a much stronger image than 'started to shutter, almost as if'. Avoid adjectives and adverbs that diminish the image you are describing. In the second sentence, 'but not much' is both an afterthought an a weak follow up to 'and that seemed to calm him', because it diminishes it's value. The image of 'but that did little to calm him', is stronger and makes more sense.

Paragraph 10: “Now[ ]Bill, you know as well as I do we can’t do that. It’s[ . . . ]it[']s suicide.”
The first comma is unnecessary. Missing an apostrophe in 'it's'.

Paragraph 15: Mr. Usher pitched his butt in the dirt and got up, brushing off his overalls and comb[ed] through his grisly, gray beard.
Keep those tenses straight.


Section 3:
Paragraph 1: The sun
Only Mr. Usher knew how many people had lived here during the town[']s starting days, but Bill didn’t care to know the statistics on that.
Missing apostrophe.

Paragraph 2: They all stood
They all stood on the dirt-coated ground, watching the [a] sky that many of the people considered it looked like it was on fire. The figures grew closer, and Bill’s children gripped harder on his legs[;] his mother gripped Bill’s hand tighter as well.
Referring to 'many people considering', makes the sentence sound awkward and weakens the image described here; best to cut it out. I changed 'the sky' to 'a sky', because 'the sky' just didn't sound like it flowed well in this sentence. The 2nd sentence needs a semi-colon.

Paragraph 4: Karole stared at the dark figures until they landed on the dried up soil[;] one by one, they had arrived.
A semi-colon is needed.

Praragraph 5: Bill could never forget
Bill could never forget the first time he saw the creatures[.], but [E]ven now as they stood at the entrance of the town, dark silhouettes standing in front of the fiery sky[,] it was like a newly awakened nightmare.
Even now should being a new sentence. Standing alone, the image is stronger. The fist sentence describes how he'll never forget, while the second moves on the what's currently happening. In this instance, event though 'it was like a newly awakened nightmare', can be it's own sentence, the first two parts of that same sentence are a fragmented sentence without it. Semi-colons are not used to keep a sentence from being fragmented. Semi-colons are used when you want to take two complete but closely related sentences, and combine them into one.

And yet, like Randy said, despite what they do, they’re the ones keeping us alive[;] with one exception.
Semi-colon needed.

Paragraph 6: The biggest of them
The twig-shaped man’s name was[ ]Henry Lowe[,] a former shopkeeper who sold medicine and herbs.
Unnecessary comma. 'A former shopkeeper' is a direct description of Henry Lowe, so a comma makes more sense than a semi-colon would.

In Bill’s eyes, along with many others, he was a traitor and a coward. Selling[, who sold] his soul to them, so that he can [could] live, and watch [while] his fellow friends and patients die.
I felt it made more sense to phrase this entire passage as one sentence. 'Them' could refer back to the others, as opposed to the Nightscalps. By not specifying 'them', it's more clearly understood that it's the Nightscalps that are being talked about. It also makes sense to say Henry sold his soul soul he could life while others die, as opposed to claiming he made the deal because of a desire to watch others die. The impression I get is that Henry isn't bloodthirsty, he just wants to save his own skin, so the sentence should be described to show just that.

Paragraph 8: Here we are again
He clapped his hands together and spread them apart[,] arms outstretched.
Arms outstretched, can't stand alone as its own sentence, so a comma is needed instead.

Paragraph 18: The Nightscalps formed a circle around Charlie[,] all of them drooling blood and hissing, their eyes red.
To me this reads like one sentence, not two sentences that are being connected, so a comma would be better.

Paragraph 20: One of the Nightscalps
One of the Nightscalps swiped its claw into [at] Charlie’s stomach, ripping through his clothing, but leaving his skin unscathed.
If the Nightscalp had swiped into Charlie's stomach, his skin would not be unscathed. While into can also mean against, because the obvious visualization would make the reader visualize Charlie being torn open, 'at' is the better choice of word.

Paragraph 32: The Nightscalp drew its wings from its body[;] its head lowered like a snake.
A semi-colon is needed.

Final Thoughts:
Overall this is a pretty solid story, but between the corrections that are needed and the visual presentation, I had to drop my rating. I will be happy to raise my rating as soon as the revisions are made, so let me know when you do so. If you have any questions, or are just informing me of the corrections, reply to this review. I would also suggest that you apply the same visual presentation methods to your other stories. They will make them a lot more appealing, and will cut the review time down significantly.

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Coffee Shop For The Fantasy Society
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Hey Early,

Overall Impression:
This is really good. I imagery was great. Reading through the story, when the girl was first was mentioned, I had a feeling she was too good to be true. So when her true self showed, I wasn't too surprised. The story of what a writer will do to overcome writers block and succeed in their craft is relatable to anyone who's every tried to write, and finds the words just won't make it to the page. What leave does to achieve the key, is disturbing yet believable in the context of the story. Reading through this story, I was thinking 4 stars. The lines I've listed below made me up my rating, and the end, which caught be my surprise, made me decide this deserves top marks, regardless of the minor grammar issues I encountered. Well done.

Favorite Line(s):
“Here you are,” she said. Leif shook himself and looked at her outstretched hand, now stained red. In it was a tiny key, made of the bird’s hollow bones. It was strung together with tendons. She laid it on his hand and closed his fingers over it.
I actually liked a couple lines, but these were the ones that really stood out. The key to his writing in both the literal and figurative sense. Well played.

Character Interaction:
Boy meets girl. Boy stupefied by her beauty falls in love/lust with the girl. Boy learns that girl is psychotic undead she demon and is forever traumatized. On the plus side, he will most likely succeed in writing that novel.

Areas of Improvement:
Other than some minor grammar, none.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Dashes, Ellipses, and a couple issues with commas and the word 'and'

Paragraph 7, third thought: What the hell
Maybe this is some kind of prank[ ]or hazing.
Commas are only necessary in lists of 3 or more. It's not needed in a list of two.

Paragraph 10: Her voice
Her head was turned slightly to the side, and [as] she peeked up through heavy white-blonde bangs.
Minor issue, but 'as she peeked' makes more sense than 'and she peeked'.

Paragraph 21: Yes, I
“Yes, I-. They’re fantastic.” should be “Yes, I--They’re fantastic.”
The M-dash, em dash, or long dash, whichever you prefer, is used to convey interruption.

Paragraph 22: Pick One
She looked eager, and almost predatory.
Nothing wrong with the grammar per say, but clipping the word 'and' makes this a stronger image.

Paragraph 27: He stopped
It seemed[ . . . ]afraid.
Not one of the most important changes, but grammar rules, being what they are, say a space needs to be left between each dot and the words surrounding them. As I think it's only necessary to point out ellipses corrections once, make sure to apply this same rule to every other instance ellipses are used in this story.

Paragraph 34: He grinned
It wasn’t really a funny joke, but whatever[--]
I personally think a period would make more sense, but if an interruption is going to be symbolized, it should be the M-dash.

Final Thoughts:
Beyond what I'm already said, not a whole lot. If the rest of your stories are the same quality as this one, then you won't need too much help developing as a writer. Good stuff.

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Hi Corey,

Overall Impression:
Wow, this has to be arguably the creepiest story I've ever read. And I've read a lot of stories, so that's pretty damned impressive. The description for this story was perfect. The entire interaction between the dead girl and the old man was remarkably well done. At first I felt pity for the old man, but when I discovered the reason why he was being haunted, it took the story to a whole new level. What makes it even creepier is the deeper meaning behind it. Whether or not it was intentional, you still get credit for putting it together. Having the girl ask the old man to play with her, following his own twisted form of play with the girl when she was alive, made the tale that much darker. The hell he created for the girl was replaced with his own living hell. And when she finally exacts the last measure of her revenge, the old man finds death is no escape as her voice still haunts him.

Favorite Line(s):
“Play! Play! Play!” screeched the child-like voice. “With me!”
This just sums up the whole creepy factor for me. By itself it doesn't mean a lot, but with its placement and the story surrounding it, this becomes a well crafted line.

Style and Voice:
Creepy ghost story with brutally violent imagery. An old man close to being driven mad by an eerily playful child. Masterfully done.

Areas of Improvement:
Other than some minor grammar issues, I don't see anything to be improved upon.

Grammar and Mechanics:
There was very little to remark on. Most of what I see involved a bit of restructuring and cutting words out.

Line 8:
The old man gripped his heart and looked up at the dusty [gray] staircase, which was old and gray.
By tacking on 'which was old and gray' at the end of the sentence, the image conveyed is weakened because it comes across as an afterthought. By cutting out that part and adding 'gray' between 'dusty' and 'staircase', the image becomes stronger. Including old is no longer necessary because that's implied by 'dusty gray'.

Lines 23 & 24:
He didn’t see the little girl with [the] empty eye sockets, with a cream-colored dress floating away from her levitating body in a bluish mist.
Because the old man's vision is foggy and black right before this line, that one word 'the' is needed so there's no confusion as to if it's the old man or the girl who has the empty sockets.

Lines 30&31:
The little girl was still weeping, her hands playing with her dress that were stained with tears that soon became fresh blood [was stained with fresh bloody tears].
I crossed out 'her hands' because it's an unnecessary detail, and it makes the sentence read awkwardly. I think it's safe to say most people will assume she's using her hands to play with her dress. While it looks like you're trying to make the words at the end have a certain rhythm, it fails to do so. Sometimes, if you want to make an image stand out, it's best to keep things simple.

Final Thoughts:
While I still think it's necessary for you to improve those three lines, I'm going to give you a top mark based on the dark twisted content of this story. Very nicely done.

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Hi Sour,

Overall Impression:
This was an interesting little piece, though I don't understand why it's rated 18+. Though the subject matter itself is a bit mature, it's not graphic, so I would think this shouldn't rate any higher than 13+. This is well written. Although I've never attempted it, I'm under the impression writing a dialogue only story, of any length, is difficult to do. While the location of the story is difficult to figure out based on the dialogue, the characters and their interactions are described well, and there's no confusion as to the events that are occurring. Not my typical reading material, but this was done well.

Favorite Line(s):
Be warned though, these memories are truly horrific.
Does any one ever listen to warnings in stories? Tell them not to open a door, that's the first thing they do. Don't push the button, they push the button. Don't eat any of the food on that table, they eat it. It's a great line because it fits into the template of very important advice that is always ignored.

Areas of Improvement:
Other than the minor issues of grammar below, nothing to comment on.

Grammar and Mechanics:
The grammar issues here are minimal. In addition to some minor punctuation, and one instance of awkward phrasing, the only issue is the use of Ellipses. Ellipses should look something like this: "X ... X". There should be a space between ellipses and whatever words comes before or after it.

Rafael, my friend, told me you helped him once, with real magic.
My friend Rafael told me you helped him with real magic once.
The phrasing in the original is a bit awkward. It comes across very jerky. Using all the exact same words, but changing around the order a bit, this line of dialogue comes across a lot more fluidly.

We’ve been best friends since kindergarten[,] and over the years we’ve grown much closer. The only problem is me[--]well, my body, to be more precise.”
The comma is needed because of a comma rule called introductory elements. A comma is needed between the part of the sentence that is introducing, and the part that is being introduced, if there is a natural hesitancy in the reading of the text or dialogue. The second notation I make, suggesting an M-dash is as follows: It reads more line an interruption in speech. If there's an interruption, even if the person speaking is interrupting himself, the M-Dash is the more appropriate punctuation.

Humph, [y]ou seem to have this all figured out.

Final Thoughts:
While I've heard of the body exchange concept before, this was an interesting approach. I'd be curious to know if you have written or intended to write an expanded version of this story without the dialogue limitations. Hope this was helpful.

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Hi Purpose In Pain,

Overall Impression:
First impression right off the bat. Just opening up the page, I see one giant paragraph. This story should be at least two or three paragraphs, not one. The problem with this is presentation more than anything else. Because the first thing the reader sees is one giant blob of a paragraph, whatever content written within, is automatically dropped down a couple notches. Imagine for an example the image of serving gourmet brats out of a shoe. No matter how good those brats are, and no matter how clean that shoe is, the container will make it unappetizing. The presentation has to be on par with your story, or its quality will suffer because of it.

Favorite Line(s):
The smell of charcoal and sizzling meat fills the air as you walk down the gauntlet of campus houses.
A wonderful image. To me this signifies just how great the day had begun.

Style and Voice:
If this is meant to be a depiction of events of actually happened to your uncle, the narrative is a rather unique and clever approach. Instead of telling this over simply sharing a story you were told when you were younger, you place the reader, in the shoes your uncle. It is much harder to ignore the drama surrounding these events, when as a reader, you are asked to see the event through the eyes of the narrator.

Areas of Improvement:
Other than the grammar issues mentioned below, first and foremost, the one uber-paragraph wrecks havoc on this story. You really need to go back and fix the structure of this story. I'm guessing this will need to be at least three paragraphs for it to be a clean read.

Grammar and Mechanics:
The biggest grammar issue facing this story are the awkward phrases used. Some of them are so poorly phrased, that it takes a couple readings to get a clear image of the description depicted.

It is a gorgeous summer day[;] you and a few buddies are down at the local park tossing around the football, trying to get a lazy, late afternoon pick up game going.
This is a run-on sentence. A simple semi-colon would resolve the issues.

You wipe the sweat from your brow and breathe it in[;] these are the best days of your life[ ]... Smack! [A] football hits you square in the head, your best friend is dying with laughter[ ]...
This is a run-on sentence. A simple semi-colon would resolve the issues. Also, "A football" should begin a new sentence, so 'A', has to be capitalized. Concerning ellipses, when using that set of three dots, there must always be a space between the ellipses and any words that come before or after it.

... you shout back as you chuck the football at his body which is now on the ground doubled over.
... you shout back as you chuck the football at your friend, who is now on the ground, doubled over in laughter.
The original reads awkwardly. By adding a few more words, and changing 'his body which' to 'your friend, who', the awkwardness is resolved.

You catch him right in the ribs, stops his laughing and makes you chuckle to yourself.
When the ball catches him right in the ribs, and he stops laughing, it makes you chuckle to yourself.
This is another instance of an awkwardly phrased sentence. The original comes across as loosely strung together imagery. By rephrasing the passage, this becomes a much clearer and cohesive image. Also, I replaced 'You catch' with 'When the ball catches', because that image makes a lot more sense in the context provided.

After a few hours and some minor injuries,(note: make sure you know where the dips in the ground are before running a long slant route)[, t]he sun is just starting it's [its] descent down towards the horizon[,] and you start hearing your stomach growl.
This is an incomplete sentence without that comma in between. My guess is that you meant to write it the way I've indicated. The sun is starting 'its descent', not 'it is descent'.

You smile because you know that nothing caps off a summer day better than going home, cracking a beer[,] and grilling outside.
This is known as separating elements in a series. When listing three or more items, commas must separate all the items, including the last two.

Usually [there are] great deals on beer at the liquor store, and great selection.
Missing words.

Each of you split up and grab your designated items[;] you grab the beer from the liquor store.
While the ideas are connected, this could be read as two separate sentences, so a semi-colon is needed.

You start the journey back home to feast on the spoils of the grocery store[,] and look forward to cracking that first Bud Light Lime.

You and your friends are laughing and joking about who had the better catch that day[,] and about who was faster. You are about 2 blocks from your house now, heading up the slight hill (which is much harder to do when you are carrying 2 cases of beer)[,] and you can just start to see the outline of your roof.

And that's when the car speeding down the hill way too fast and way too drunk jumps the curb and hits you square in your side.
And that's when the [driver] speeding down the hill way too fast and way too drunk jumps the curb and hits you square in your side. or
And that's when the [drunk driver in the car] speeding down the hill way too fast and way too drunk jumps the curb and hits you square in your side.
What's unfortunate here, is this is such a powerful image, yet because of the poor phrasing, its message gets diluted. You have one of two options here. Either replace 'car' with 'driver', as noted in the first suggestion, strange the structure as noted in the second suggestion. You can also find a third way to phrase it, but the current phrasing ruins the impact of the story's end.

It snaps your spine and kills you instantly[ ]...
Ellipses need a space before it.

Final Thoughts:
What I see here, is a story, a dedication to a lost relative that has a lot of potential. Because of a few poorly phrased lines, and a weak packaging for the presentation, much of what would otherwise be a very powerful story is unfortunately lost. More so for the sake of the dedication, vs the content of a portfolio piece, this piece needs to correct those issues I've stated. I assure you, once these issues are addressed, this will be a much more powerful and meaningful dedication. I really hope you take the time to rework this, and not leave it in it's raw form. Based on content alone this should be a much higher rated piece, but I can't rate it that way as it currently stands. If you have any questions, reply to this review, and I'd be happy to address them for you.

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Hi Eskay, I'm not so into poetry, so my input will be pretty limited. Nonetheless, I will try to provide insightful feedback.

Overall Impression/Theme:
What I see here is a man encountering a homeless woman, or as you put it, a lost soul. The imagery here is surprisingly powerful for such a short piece. What's amazing about this poem is that the narrator sees all this. He takes the time to study the woman, noting the woman is still young, yet he sees the grey hairs that have been prematurely thrust upon her by living out on the street.

Emotional Reaction
What's distressing about this poem is how clearly the narrator sees the woman, yet he still turns a blind eye to her. He refers to a ragged bundle of probably nothing, which as a reader, I can potentially see as a baby she is trying to protect. Maybe he sees that possibility as well, but he ignores it, because he doesn't want to feel guilty about doing nothing about her plight.

Favorite Line(s):
... her precious ragged bundle of probably nothing - that matters to 'us'.
Because I'd found my feet, I kept walking on.
Both of these lines really show just how uncaring the narrator is. What makes it such a powerful image is this. The narrator could be someone who cares. As a reader the line about the bundle shows he does see something is wrong. He sees the potential that it's not just a woman, but a mother and a child out on the street. He even begins to think about her wondering about what she has lost to lead to such grief. Unfortunately though, he does what many other people would do in a similar situation; he convinces himself that it's not his problem, and keeps on walking.

Areas of Improvement:
Very little. Just familiarize yourself with rules on ellipses and dashes, and strengthen your subtitles/descriptions.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Very little to comment on. I had to restrict my comments to ellipses and dashes for the most part.

Description/Subtitle
She sat quietly, lost in her grief ... I walked on ... so who was really lost?
You'll see I added spaces between the ellipses and the words surrounding them. The reason for this is as follows: Ellipses should look something like this: "X ... X" because they are treated the same way as words. Just as you wouldn't write hergrief or walked on, so to, you should'nt write grief... or on...
I also feel the description/subtitle is 1) Too telling, and 2) Should not be giving in the voice of the narrator. I think your story would be better served if the description read as follows: She sat quietly, lost in her grief ... This is a powerful image; all that other stuff detracts from it.

nothing--that matters to 'us'.
Besides--I told myself--I
You were right to make a distinction in how the dashes were used here, but they're still not used correctly. You're looking for the long dash or the M-dash. While the short dash is used to connect words, the long dash would be used in the situations like the too lines above, where there's an interruption.

Final Thoughts:
Again, this was very well done. The issues of grammar that are see here, are easy enough to correct. Knowing them, it's unlikely it'll have to be commented on in future writing material. I also thought you had spelled curb wrong. I randomly looked up kerb, and discovered it was a real word. Who knew? So, guess I learned something :) Thanks.

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