A poem and a puzzle...very interesting, not sure I get it all...but it certainly got me thinking!
Best Points...
The thunder of tears ripped through my life.
What a beautiful line! I've never heard crying described so accurately! This is not about a tear or two, but balling your eyes out kind of crying. Wonderful!
I love seeing nature used like this in a piece of writing. Spring is a wonderful time of year, but like love, it also dies.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Are the comments at the bottom made by the editor? Congrats on being featured...still at a loss with the exact meaning.
A very honest, deep and profound piece of writing. You cover so much in this one poem - it makes for very interesting reading.
Best Points...
But someone years ago said only rocks are stoic.
A great point! I have to agree. Does it need a comma after "said"?
I am a girl who understands consequence,
I like this line and the stance it takes. What is life if we disregard the consequences of our actions? I see only one way to really live, they way you've outlined here...the opposite is just children playing at being adults.
I challenge those with hearty egos;
therefore, I fight against myself.
I very interesting point. To have principles you must first challenge yourself and then those around you who adhere to none. It's an exhausting battle, but I think it's worth it.
Suggestions For Improvements...
My eyes made curtains so no one would see my
trials.
In the last stanza you have 2 lines that seem oddly structured.
ANd how I find myself mourning
And
AFter all, I'm supposed to be strong and stoic.
After
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I wanted to say a HUGE Thank you for your kindness, It meant so much to me: "Invalid Item"
You're deliberately vague about the actual event that led to the anxiety, but I think the piece works a lot better because of that; It allows you to focuss on the emotions rather than the event itself.
I hope whatever it was that caused you such pain, is either behind you or you have learnt to accept it.
Best Points...
Innocence taken,
I am shaken.
This is a very moving beginning. The rest of the piece doesn't rhyme (except for odd place), but I like this - it's a very powerful opening.
And the tears,
will soon follow.
There is something about this piece that shows lots of insight. Like here - tears are inevitable, they too tend to "follow" as you say, any pain, whether we wish they would show their face or not
Suggestions For Improvements...
It has taken its toll,
for my fear of the untold.
I'm not sure about the ending at all. I understand the "It has taken its toll" - the whole of the poem is a reflection of that. But...what do you mean by "For my fear of the untold"?
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Reviewed on behalf of: "Invalid Item" [] by A Guest Visitor
I have reviewed this as it stands - as a draft version. You have made some great points, now all you need to do is make them come together so that the piece flows properly.
I think the whole incident was appalling. It's just like the way the American Government is behaving at the moment to think it can ban people from entering their country based on their name. I condemn all forms of terrorism - but I equally condemn the witch hunt that is going on these days.
Thanks for sharing.
Best Points...
As a British Muslim, I'm touched and relieved that someone else has also been angered by this situation.
You have obviously researched this well. You've added lots of little details about everything from his past career to his present day charitable work.
Your writing has a clear purpose - you won't people to speak out against injustice. You want the American Government to apologise for its mistake.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Ali had religion issues with the government too, to make a long story quite short.
religious
At the moment it's reading like notes...which is fine as it's a draft, but when you edit it, make sure you follow a clear thread.
For example:
Introduce the topic by describing what happened and who Yusuf Islam is (very briefly) Describe his reaction to it. (and maybe the reaction of world leaders - I think our Home Secretary spoke out about it) Tell us more about him, an A-Z of where his advocacy of peace started to the present day (don't go into too many irrelevant details though, like the names of all his songs) Describe how it made you feel when he was stopped. Describe what you want done - Conclusion.
"What's in a name?" Shakespeare's rose has faint scent in today's real world, or it's turned God awful!
You refer to this point on and off...I woul confine discussion on this point to one paragrapgh.
Your paragraphs are very short at present, make sure that you group together all the linking themes.
I like this piece. I don't fit in very well with popular crowds, so I'm always the first to go up to people standing outside them. Some of us are more unique than others, maybe that's why we love the internet so much, places like W.com allow us to be ourselves, despite the fact that "ourselves" aren't that popular in the real world.
Best Points...
The pursuit of 'like' souls becomes your new obsession. You devoutly stick to the new obsession and lo and behold...you are amply rewarded.
I think this must be a common cycle of events. Don't we all go through this? I think you're right, although we feel like we're the only ones in search of new friends...everyone is always on the look out for like minds.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Have you ever felt like a misfit? Like you don't really belong anywhere?
I think you need a comma where the first ? is. You can't really start a sentence with "like"...it implies a continuation to the last point.
You are home...and it certainly is Home Sweet Home.
I think you're referring to the feeling of comfort you get when you're with good friends...but I'm wondering if you're actually talking about being with family? For people who don't fit in with the popular crowd, being with family where you're accepted is often the best solution to loneliness.
A wonderful poem with a twist...Can you guess who the harshest critic is? This is so true...it makes me want to laugh and cry with its honesty!
A great piece ~ Highly recommended
Best Points...
I loved this! For the sake of all the reviewers who are going to ruch to read this...I'll not spoil it...but I do think you've done a brilliant job. Your piece is very insightful.
I love the way that only the last 2 lines rhyme, it works really well.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Are the other lines supposed to rhyme? Like "me" and "see" rhyme, but when I read it the sentences are too long for me to catch the beat.
A very interesting piece...but also very puzzling.
Best Points...
You have some beautiful lines in here, like, as our souls weep rivers .
Although I don't understand the message, I can tell a lot of thought has gone into this piece. I like writing that has some meaning...something that makes people think.
Suggestions For Improvements...
I don't understand what this is about. Lots of things come to mind, but I can't find a thread...and I really don't know if I've understood this at all.
I have met my sister, not of blood,
of circumstance,
Are you talking about a country here? America perhaps?
to bring,
one girl
or boy home,
Is this about the war?
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
Got a few GPs to spare, grab a bargain!...closes at 9pm TODAY! "Invalid Item"
This looks like lots of fun...I hope to be entering a lot. I really enjoyed the last prompt. I don't write that much but I think this might be a good contest to get me in the habit.
Best Points...
This is really well organised. Anyone that attempts to run a daily challenge deserves a lot of encouragement...well done!
The only other daily writing challenge that I can think of is the Writer's cramp, and although this is similar, it's also very unique. By making this contest one for flash fiction, it really gives the author something to work with. A tight word count is certain to get people scribbling furiously!
Suggestions For Improvements...
Personally I would award one overall winner. It's lovely having prizes for everyone, but it's more of an incentive to put pen to paper if the overall prize is higher. As you're only getting a few entries a day anyway, why not give one overall prize (of 2/3K) and see if that increases participation.
I would also like to see upgraded authors given the choice to create an item or post directly in the forum. When people are rushing around, it's sometimes nice to spend half an hour working on a story, rather than wasting time creating an item. This might also increase participation. Just a suggestion
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
We're having a GP party...come on... "Invalid Item"
This was such a funny story! You remind me of my sisters, stay at home mums who do far more than any working woman. They run themselves ragged and you seem to do the same.
I love the message behind this, especially because the act of kindness was from your husband. A lot of the stories in the contest focuss on acts of kindness from strangers, and they're often life altering. Your story looks at a simple piece of advice and reminds us to look for the goodness in our loved ones. They do countless acts of kindness for us, but we often overlook them.
Your entry is so touching. I don't know how I'm ever going to decide a winner at this rate . I'm so shocked at what happened to your sister, I hope you guys are doing OK...that must have been truly awful.
Your story is ultimately one of hope though, and it is truly moving. I am amazed at the abundance of love and help you received from stragers and virtual strangers. It's truly inspirational.
Thanks for sharing. May your life continue to be blessed with kindness
This review is because of a request in "Invalid Item"
Another very insightful piece of writing. I'm very impressed with how you managed to take a seemingly simple topic and express it so beautifully.
Best Points...
The poem is something of a challenge...it gives the reader some homework if you like...to use their eyes to explore and appreciate...to look deeper and understand better.
I like your reference to visualisation:
Keep them closed with all of your might
and let your mind do the work to your pleasures delight
and too appreciation: but keep them still and your subject becomes fonder
You show that beauty is not just about looking, but absorbing. Like when you look at a wonderful scene...you need to absorb the beauty by just sitting and watching for a while.
Suggestions For Improvements...
I would delete the double spacing.
Again, I'm not sure about the flow. Like with the first stanza: Eyes weak and eyes wonder
but keep them still and your subject becomes fonder
The first line is much shorter than the second...for me that stops the flow of the piece.
Windows to the soul they say?
I call them doors
step in, right this way
As an example of a stanza that flows well...I think this one matches up the length of the sentences, it reads well. Use this as a guide if you can.
This is a really interesting piece of writing. You've tried to tie in lot of events in your life into one common theme, that's no easy task. I tried that in my latest writing "One More Chance", but I went with distinct events, what you went for is a lot harder to achieve. you write well, but you need to work on the flow of the piece, as I said, you lost me more than once.
I'm so glad you sought help for your problem. It must have been very hard to confront, especially considering your upbringing...but that only shows how far you've come...well done!
Best Points...
You write really well. I love the description used: Glasses askew and covered in mud and a mouth full of sagebrush, I am puzzled, lying on my back and looking up at the sky.
He would hammer home, literally by the back of his hand, the ideals of responsibility,
You have a really way with words, I'm always impressed when people can use words that have double meanings, and both meanings can make sense.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Bleak humiliation swallows me wit guilt
with
as I understand Him.
I would use either italics or underline...not both, I prefer italics. You have also not closed the underline off.
I'm rather confused with the order of events here.... Nearing the end of the ride, smiling at the feeling of accomplishment,
Did this happen? Or is that how it was supposed to happen?
Is this before or after the bike ride. It seems to be before, but then why is it situated after (on the page) and how did you learn from this, if the bike ride came after?
I'm always interested when I see a piece as short as this. I think, "what can they possibly find so important to say in so few words?" and then..." what can I possibly say about so few words?" I think you piece does find something important to say, I hope you find my review worthwhile too.
Best Points...
This is such a touching piece of writing. It is so sad to read. In so few words you convey an abundance of pain and hope.
Amazing, he thought, after all this time her eyes still shine.
I love the way you can still find the words to "show" rather than "tell". This one line sums up their whole relationship. It shows intimacy (gazing into the eyes), delight (amazing), and appreciation of something very valuable (the way her eyes "shine").
Suggestions For Improvements...
This is not a written suggestion, but a personal one. You've written something wondeful, but personally, I think you've made something horrific seem dignified. I don't accept euthanasia, I think it goes against God's plan for us. Our suffering, be it in life or in the last days of our life...is all part of God's plan. We can not prevent death (it's the only thing in this world that is certain), but we should also not seek to hasten in.
This is a really worthwhile article. It does provide readers with a new and fresh perspective. Well done!
Best Points...
One of the keys to giving excellent reviews is to focus on one of your strengths
That's an excellent point. Not everyone can pick up on all weaknesses and strengths. For example, I'm rubbish with grammar, how am I going to help someone else. You've understood that it's important to work with your own strengths.
Another helpful tool is to develop a template for you to use
This is another great point. I've been reviewing for years now, but I only recently started using a template. I have saved mine on to my "notepad". That's a great tool, and you should probably add a note about that here.
Suggestions For Improvements...
One of the keys to giving excellent reviews is to focus on one of your strengths
I think it would be useful to have "your" in italics. This point is something we haven't heard before, you don't want the reader to confuse it with the focussing on the author's strengths.
Yes, I can certainly relate! I have so many computer problems some days...my computer just crashes without warning, or Internet explorer "needs to shut down"...or even the dreaded...This page is not found when I try and get into W.com!
Best Points...
I can't pick out a particular line...because I really liked it all. It's a very witty piece that flows nicely. I love rhyming poetry, and rhyming poetry with a comedy theme is even better. Thanks for sharing
Suggestions For Improvements...
There are some words I just don't understand ...Like " hades" "Belay" and "ICQ"....I know I should know this last one...it sounds vaguely familiar lol!
This is a really sad piece of writing . I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never lost anyone close to me, so I can't imagine the pain you must feel. A friend of mine lost her 17yr old brother suddenly a few weeks ago, it reminded me how fleeting this life is. Nothing in life is as certain as death; there's nothing you can do to stop it, or delay it...
Best Points...
I remember
I love the echo of those two words as they resonate throughout the whole piece. It's a simple statement, but for those who have felt loss, it's also a powerful statement because there is some comfort to be found there. One thing you must always tell yourself is that you will never forget, and I'm sure you won't.
{{e:flower4} The laughing and joking till tears filled our eyes.
That's one of the most precious things about siblings, they share things that probably seem crazy to the rest of the world. I remember my sisters and I all hysterical with laughter at some joke proabably only we understood...You'll always have those special memories...I love this line...It shows the deep bond you guys shared.
Suggestions For Improvements...
This is a very personal piece so I won't offer many suggestions...
Fishing, and baseball oh those were the days.
Maybe you could have a comma after "baseball"
In loving memory of my brother Jack…. 01-17-54 to 06-02-03
When you died, a part of my soul died with you.
You might like to put this in italics. You can do that like this: {i}text{/i}
Your wifes voice shaking “ the transplant failed”
Wife's
I love this piece. I hope you do get it into the newletter. I've worked in several hospices and I live with my elderly parents. I do appreciate the impact that caring for people who are ill can have on a person's life...But, I also appreciate the impact that a little love can have on the sufferer's life.
Whether from dementia or old age, our parents/loved ones do revert to childhood...But, it is essential that we don't use this as an excuse not to give them their due...It may be hard sometimes, but that should never stand in our way.
I follow the teachings of the Quran on this...
"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood' "(17:23-24).
Best Points...
When I ask her the name of her children, she sometimes cannot tell me, but she never suffers one of her crying episodes on a day one of them comes to visit.
I like the way you paint both sides of the picture, you don't cover up the problems, but you show that despite them, there is so much that can be achieved.
The real examples bring this whole piece to life. They are so effective at showing the human face of this illness and its impact on the sufferers.
The message is a clear and profound one. Well done for sharing it!
Suggestions For Improvements...
Maybe you already make regular visits on your loved one,
"on" should be "to"
Maybe not, but it does brighten their day.
I think the Comma should be a full stop, it makes a more powerful statement.
The people are real, but all the names and some of their circumstances
I think, "The" should be "These"
Josie is one of the lucky residents, however, because she normally receives between three and five visits from her family every week.
Joyce is not one to be a bother to others, but the few visits she receives make her happier than her family probably realizes.
shouldn't "realizes" be "realize"?
Alzheimer’s and dementia can make big children out of grown ups.
Consider rephrasing to : "Alzheimer’s and dementia can make grown ups into big children . "
I read this a while back but never did get to give you a review of it. I know this is already being published so I won't be too fussy with the edits...Just some things to think about in your future writing.
This is the first chapter to a book that the author has published. Support Writing.com writers and check it out!
Best Points...
There was always something definitive that she could draw from watching a person for a time, or from merely looking at the person for a few seconds. People in her mind tended to be that obvious, transparent; nothing to hide in some cases, unable to effectively hide things in others.
I love this whole part where we have the main character day dreaming and interpretating how people interact with one another. It gives us a great insight into the way she thinks. It's also a lovely, gentle, intriguing way to begin a story. The reader is not propelled into the action, merely a bystander watching and waiting to see how it all unfolds. I personally love watching people, it fascinates me...so I loved this little detail.
Shortly before reaching the ground, the rock chimney gradually spread out like the base of a tree in a child’s drawing and seemed to spill out onto the ground instead of reaching it uniformly. Such were the defining characteristics of this street that made it so charming and memorable to her.
You have some great descriptions in the piece...like the one above. It reminds me of a cross between an 18 century novel and one by Nicholas Sparks. The former always have some kind of detailed decription of the location, usually of nature. They go to great lengths to allow the reader to really feel that they can see the place where the story is set. The later, because he writes pieces that focuss on human interaction, but also adds a sprinkle of detail about the location in the way that you have.
In one small section towards the end of this stretch, the branches of several trees extended so far that they actually met with the trees directly across from them, creating a kind of canopy effect as she drove beneath them.
Watching the little bits of light breaking through the cracks above reminded her of a time when she had gone camping with her parents when she was four years old.
I just thought you'd like to know...I love those lines...wish I was there...
The ending is spot on! The first chapter comes full circle and we are back with the 2 characters that we are most interested in. We know a fair bit about one and not much about the other, but you've left that last line as a great hook into the rest of the book. Well done!
Suggestions For Improvements...
She opened up the fridge, exchanged the remainder of her lunch for a bottle of water and looked around as she shut the door and took a sip. The small kitchen quickly gave way to the charcoal gray carpet that covered the rest of her apartment, and directly ahead of her lay a small, circular, wooden dinner table and two chairs, both of which faced out towards the balcony just beyond
This section illustrates the biggest sticking point with your writing. In my opinion, you get too bogged down with the detail. This whole part seems redundant to me, it doesn't add to the story and it suffocates the flow of the story. It reads nicely in that you can really see into that room...so in that way, you have a great eye for detail, but do we know anything more about our main character? This is something you might like to think about in future work...you need to weigh up your prefered writing style (using lots of detail) with how much info. you can use before the reader gets bored.
This is a beautiful poem! It must be so hard to watch your friend going through all this. I hope it helped you to put down in words the pain she is going in. I don't write poetry so feel free to ignore my suggestions.
Best Points...
Tormented by guilt, sadness, and despair,
Left wondering why life is just so unfair
The piece is so sad, so moving...as illustrated in these lines. You have expressed her pain, and hence your pain, very well.
Suggestions For Improvements...
She looks at me with eyes so sad,
Knowing she will never get back all she once had.
It would flow better if the 2nd line was shorter.
Maybe "She looks at me with eyes so sad,
Knowing she won't get back all she once had."
Deeply sickened by every day wasted,
Of all she has not yet seen, touched, or tasted
Again, the 2nd line should be shorter...
"Deeply sickened by every day wasted,
Of all she's not yet seen, touched, or tasted"
This is a really orginal piece of writing. You have been very creative in the way you handled this controversial topic. I think it works well, it educates, whilst still being entertaining..A difficult thing to achieve...well done!
Best Points...
"It would seem," began the expert, his voice overflowing with scorn for the guide,
Just an example of the creativity used. You have tried created a mirror of this world...using things like "guides" and "experts"...It gives the piece a good structure to build from.
The ending is really interesting, I never saw that coming!
Suggestions For Improvements...
As a short story, this is lacking in a beginning middle and end. It really has no middle. To improve this you need to build up to the ending. Rather then just tell us how that the lady aborted her child...try and show us. Show us how she feels about that, before and now that she is in heaven.
Is this thing contagious? I open up this piece...then sit there starring at it for half an hour wondering what to write...I ate a cookie...Now I need a glass of water....Ok...on with the review This is a great piece, thanks for sharing...Now I know I'm not alone.
Best Points...
This is a really cute little piece. I love the scarcastic humour. I love the lines.. If you happen to be using a computer (which is a marvellous tool for serious procrastination), numerous tasks can be completed before you begin.
Tell me about it, before I review, I need to check my mail, answer my mail, say hi to everyone in scroll, check contest deadlines....re-check contest deadlines and add them to my favs....You get the idea
Once you do actually build up the stamina to begin, waste five to fifteen minutes ‘getting ready’.
My favourite task...Are you really a fly on the wall in disguise? I love the 5-15...That's such a cute detail.
Suggestions For Improvements...
This advice is mainly for school students with a writing task in mind but can be used by anyone with a weak will and something remotely important to do.
Anyone can procrastinate. School students, office workers,
♥ ADD THIS AUCTION TO YOUR FAVOURITES ~ IT CLOSES AT 8PM ON THE 26TH ♥
Auction: "Invalid Item" Example Package: Book Before Bed Includes: Extract from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
(Access restricted because it is currently being negotiated with an agent.) + other extracts! Latest Bid: 19,000 GPs
This is a really insightful piece of writing. I'm so glad that you had people to support you. Well done for all the hard work you put in with your kids...that must have been tough...and well done also for trusting the people around you to be there for you...That's sometimes more difficult than it seems.
Best Points...
You spoke from the heart and it really touched a nerve. I think we can all relate, I'm just surprised that you had the courage to do something about it...well done!
Suggestions For Improvements...
If you are reading this, then I know you have contact with a large group of people who are struggling with some of the very same issues you are.
This suggests to me that you didn't write this for W.com...I would have an author's note if that is the case.
I want to encourage all the rest of you who are drowning (I know you're out there) to take advantage of the Christian community around you.
Unless this was sent to lots of Christians, I would suggest an edit that includes everyone...as most of the people on W.com aren't Christian.
The paragraphs are a bit all over the place, consider gruping some of the first few together.
This mentions some adult stuff in passing...so I would suggest a rating change to ASR.
This article is very informative. I would have liked to have seen it expanded to include the other points you mentioned....but maybe they're best as seperate articles.
Best Points...
You have presented a complex issue in an easy to understand way...Mashallah, you've done a great job.
The list of references is very useful, maybe you should include one for the Quran too.
This is presented in a very clear way. I'm glad you highlighted the quotes...this works well.
Suggestions For Improvements...
After years of research, scientists have come to the conclusion that after about five thousand million years, our sun will become a red giant.
"Dr. Alfred Kroner is one of the world’s renowned geologists. He is the proffesor of geology and the chairman of the department of geology at the Institute of Geosciences, Johannes Gutenburg University, Mainz, Germany.
Add this extra info. nest to your reference.
.”"(www.islam-brief-guide.org)
Add the reference at the end of the article and put a * nexr to both it and the quote.
Apart from the origin of universe, the Quran also talks about the finiteness of the sun and the moon.
I'm afraid this was rather quite a simple story, and the way you told it didn't really make it any more exciting for me....sorry!
Best Points...
I like the title, it really captures the mood of the piece.
You write really well, I think it was more your choice of topic that didn't appeal to me.
Suggestions For Improvements...
The gas pumps, of course, were not operating, and he had to siphoned gas into his car in order to get to my home.
Shouldn't it be siphone {sp?} in the present tense.
I'm afraid this didn't really hold my attention, you write really well, so I would consider revising it to make it short, sweet and punchy.
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
From the Endureview Team: Farhana & Dreams
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/farhana/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 5:42am on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
The thunder of tears ripped through my life.
Are the comments at the bottom made by the editor? Congrats on being featured...still at a loss with the exact meaning.
"
Introduce the topic by describing what happened and who Yusuf Islam is (very briefly)
"
. I'm so shocked at what happened to your sister, I hope you guys are doing OK...that must have been truly awful.
"
I have so many computer problems some days...my computer just crashes without warning, or Internet explorer "needs to shut down"...or even the dreaded...This page is not found when I try and get into W.com! 
...Like " hades" "Belay" and "ICQ"....I know I should know this last one...it sounds vaguely familiar lol!
. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never lost anyone close to me, so I can't imagine the pain you must feel. A friend of mine lost her 17yr old brother suddenly a few weeks ago, it reminded me how fleeting this life is. Nothing in life is as certain as death; there's nothing you can do to stop it, or delay it...
This is a great piece, thanks for sharing...Now I know I'm not alone.