What a sad piece...I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. The war in Iraq was such a tragic waste of life...
Best Points...
Your honesty. The piece is so moving because you have opened up your heart and let us look in. Thanks for sharing, you have given the war a human perspective which it lacks far too often.
Suggestions For Improvements...
"Never think that war,
No matter how necessary....
This quote would look better if it was at the top. Center it, add some italics and colour and it will look really effective. You add italics like this...{i}text{/} write center and /center or c:blue and /c for the other tags.
The spacing makes it easy on the eye to read, but I prefer paragraphs.
A lovely tribute...I'm glad you found W.com...It certainly is a fab community!
Best Points...
This is a lovely piece that flows well. Apart from a few suggestions for improvements (nothing major), it's a great read...and a lovely tribute to SM & SMs.
Suggestions For Improvements...
Visits with friends became phone calls, and since they all had other interests, I became an after-thought for many.
I know what you mean...but it's phrased a little awkwardly. They would all have other interests...that's obvious and inevitable...what you need to emphasise is that you drifted away from them as they got on with their lives and your's stood still.
I saw my children and grandchildren when I was able to go to them;
Now, I have a new community with a new purpose. I was asked to become the subgroup leader of Raiders of the Lost Art
Consider putting the title of this group in italics.
My life became no life.
Consider using italics for "my" and "no" to emphasise the difference.
This is a really interesting piece of writing. I'm really disturbed by the whole abortion issue...you'll find some items in my port about my views on this. I'm unfamiliar with the term partial birth abortion and I'm still a little confused as to what this means and why it's used. And...am I right in understanding that the petition did the trick and it is now illegal to use this method of abortion?
Best Points...
I love the way you lay out your argument... I suspect most of you will not sign it because...
You start by relating to the reasons why people haven't signed the petition. As a crisis pregnancy counselor, I talked to hundreds of women...
Then go on to describe your personal experience. In the very least, stop the late-term infanticide of partial birth abortion.
You conclude by using an argument that I often use in my articles. If people can't meet you all the way...give them the option to at least meet you half way.
Well done!
Suggestions For Improvements...
When offered real choice, through emotional support & concrete help from community resources like Heartbeat, most women don’t choose abortion. .
You have an extra full stop.
You might also like to put Heartbeat in italics.
This is intended for the purpose ofstopping partial birth abortion
space between of and stopping.
The author's note was very interesting, but I would like to have seen it expanded. obviously the petition isn't relevant to us, but a good article could be put in place of the author's note to shed some real light onto this issue...for example... What does AMA stand for? What does the organisation, Heartbeat, do? Why are partial birth abortions carried out?
I would be really interested to know all this and more.
By the way...my team member Dreams - Anon, who are you? is currently running a contest on the abortion issue if you're interested.
This is a really lovely piece of writing. It makes the reader feel all warm and fuzzy.
You have constructed the story really well. It starts with a lovely description of the relationship that the pair have, continues with the way that relationship ends with the old lady's death...and ends nicely with the letter.
Although the letter is a little cliche, I think it's still a sweet touch.
Best Points...
She had fluffy white hair and smiling eyes.
I love the little details like I've highlighted here. You capture the atmosphere and the young girl's experience so well. This is really the best bit about your writing, you're a great storyteller in that you show as well as tell.
Suggestions For Improvements...
When she started getting sick that all changed.
I prefer it phrased as "When she started getting sick all that changed."
She told me Mabel had gone to heaven and wasn’t coming back, I cried some more and left it at that.
The "Left it at that" contrasts with the feelings shown previously. I think the character is more likely to be effected by her death for some days at the very least.
You helped me with the chores but merely being there was the greatest help you couldn’t ever thought of doing.
could have ever thought...etc.
I would have the girls reaction to the letter at the end. It doesn't have to be much, but as the story is in 1st person narrative, I think it should end with the young girl. Maybe something subte is appropriate...like she smiled/cried as she folded the letter away.
Write on!
Regards,
Farhana
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Sincere apologies...I had to send this twice as the endureview sig didn't show up in the first
This is a really lovely piece of writing. It makes the reader feel all warm and fuzzy.
You have constructed the story really well. It starts with a lovely description of the relationship that the pair have, continues with the way that relationship ends with the old lady's death...and ends nicely with the letter.
Although the letter is a little cliche, I think it's still a sweet touch.
Best Points...
She had fluffy white hair and smiling eyes.
I love the little details like I've highlighted here. You capture the atmosphere and the young girl's experience so well. This is really the best bit about your writing, you're a great storyteller in that you show as well as tell.
Suggestions For Improvements...
When she started getting sick that all changed.
I prefer it phrased as "When she started getting sick all that changed."
She told me Mabel had gone to heaven and wasn’t coming back, I cried some more and left it at that.
The "Left it at that" contrasts with the feelings shown previously. I think the character is more likely to be effected by her death for some days at the very least.
You helped me with the chores but merely being there was the greatest help you couldn’t ever thought of doing.
could have ever thought...etc.
I would have the girls reaction to the letter at the end. It doesn't have to be much, but as the story is in 1st person narrative, I think it should end with the young girl. Maybe something subte is appropriate...like she smiled/cried as she folded the letter away.
Sounds wonderful! You described it all so nicely, and more importantly, how it made you feel! I like the way you kind of wrote it in the form of a story, great format, it works well.
Best Points...
In moments, SM, carrying my heavy computer bag
The small, cute details about the members...those subtle things speak volumes, you've incorporated them very nicely.
Suggestions For Improvements...
The I smiled back. “No, just about arriving.”
A typo? Either, then I smiled back, or just I smiled back.
fun but shy
There were 2 members that you described as shy, probably true...but it's also probably not their best characteritic. I would just write "fun", the members may not like the "but".
Sometimes you use the user tag, and sometimes you just write their usernames/handles. I would stick to one format...using their names are probably easier...(e.g Pita)..compared to typing out usernames with WritingML.
An interesting essay and a great insight into the struggles a soldier faces.
I don’t know what exactly I have done to offend this particular group of people but they are mad as hell and want to take it out on someone.
You don't? That comes as a huge surprise to me as here everyone seems to understand why the Iraqi people aren't thrilled when they see a soldier.
Best Points...
“Oh look, a leaf just fell from a tree” or, “Oh look at that interesting sunset.”
A rocket just went off, yawn.
Your piece is very chatty and that makes it a really interesting read. Here you describe what happened in a very entertaining way, describing not only the events, but how that made you feel. The sarcasm works well. I would make the last line part of the paragraph above.
“Oh my God! Get down! Call 911! You are so right! You guys have to deal with what the vast majority of us will never witness...dealing with what you guys have to deal with takes an amazing strength of mind.
I could feel my own level of anxiety rising and I had to check myself and remember not to get caught up in this person’s reaction.
A great life lesson...We often let other people dictate how we should feel/behave...you've shown how that can be a very dangerous game.
Suggestions For Improvements...
IED, VBIED, RPG’s,
What are they?
I have often wonder how do they decide what event will they take up today.
I often wonder or I have often wondered.
I think the sore point in this essay is your lack of concern for the real reasons why people are against the war. I'm against all terrorism, but I also believe that the war was totally unjustified...and many people share that sentiment. This essay is more about your experiences as a soldier, so I would either deal with the motives of the terrorists in a sensitive way...or not refer to them at all. As it stands you have a great essay with a potential controversial statement about something else invading it.
Wow! That's beautiful I love this piece. You know when I first started this, I didn't realise it was a poem...ok, so it's very late ...but it honestly reads like a story, so when I read it a bit more carefully, I was inspired by how effective your writing is!
But now that I have grown up, it seems to me these days,
That all those people and myself have gone our separate ways
I can really understand where you're coming from...I'm sure many people, if not everyone goes through this phase
my love for them washes over me like an uncompromising flood.
I love this line!
Yes, it’s true, unlike most friends, we are bound to each by blood,
And my love for them washes over me like an uncompromising flood.
Wouldn't it be phrased better if you wrote "Yes, it’s true, unlike most friends, we are bound to each by blood, But my love for them washes over me like an uncompromising flood."
The only other suggestion I have is that you try and jazz this up a bit. Why not try centering the piece and adding some colour. You can center it by writing {center}text{/center} and you can add colour, for example, plum, by writing...{c:plum}text{/c}. I think you should do something with it, because it's such a nice poem and a lovely tribute to your family...but the layout just doesn't sell it.
This has potential...but I'm afraid it reads more like a tragedy than a comedy. You started off really well, but the piece did a U turn and to tell you the truth you lost the reader. You need to decide what genre this fits into and then work with that to make it believable.
I was monitoring their progress in the last few days.
The opening line is a great hook and I love the way you make the game appear real. This was well written and believeable.
When we first started this they were fairly easy to overtake.
When we first started this, they were fairly easy to overtake.
I had a simple solution, but she never even would stay on her computer long enough to find out if she liked it.
I would delete "would" and re-phrase..."I had a simple solution, but she never even stayed at her computer long enough to find out if she liked it."
I had nothing but time since my wife left.
The tone changes here. I can still hear the voice of this neurotic guy...but this is sad and quite weird...and it doesn't seem to fit any pattern.
You need a beginning, middle and end...I'm not sure you have that so far.
It was broken because there was no way I was spending four hours a day playing video games.
I didn't get this line.
The topic is hard to write about. The ramblings of a neurotic addict are hard to describe without the piece sounding chaotic and all over the place. Try and give it some definition...a plot etc. and you'll be on your way!
Is this poem about sleep or death. It seems that it can be about either...a evry interesting piece of writing. I don't write poetry, so I can't comment on the technicalities...but...
I close my eyes and I can see.
I like the way that you repeat this line again at the end of the stanza...and the way you use the word "see" at the end of every sentence. This is rather unconventional though (I've never read a piece like it), and I wonder if that works against you. I like it though, as it serves to emphasise that sense.
Coloured sharp exposures that need no light to see
Does this describe the dreaming state?
One day it will be all over and I will not ever see.
Might be better phrased..."One day it will all be over and I will not ever see."
The light is darker now and I do feel.
Are you dreaming now, hence the darkness...and the feeling comes from our percption that all is real, even though it's all a dream.
Silkiness of garment so smooth I know the touch.
Again...is this the perception of being able to feel?
An interesting piece of writing, but I think unfortunately, that it's rather confusing...and poses more questions that it answers.
This is brilliant! I loved the angle you took on this, it works really well.
I love the little details...like... I hitched my bag up on my shoulder and scrambled to keep up.
“Who’s the artist?” I asked looking at the Writing.Com logo hanging on the far wall.
...and the originality. This part of the piece sounds like you've just walked into some kind of club or community group...really cool!
I love the way that you discreetly incorporated all those little links. It makes the piece really useful as entertaining.
The ending is really appropriate and bring the story to a happy close.
The only suggestion for improvement I have is that the story seems too short. You have only managed to incorporate a handful of the tools on offer here, and as one of those is GPs, although fun, it takes away from the more serious features. I would have liked to have more fun and serious features explored. I wonder for example how you might represent scroll?
This is a brilliant read. You know a comedy piece is really good when it has you laughing out loud. I loved this!
The opening line is superb! If someone had wanted me dead, they missed a good chance when I was filling up at the gas station last week.
It's so important to get it right, I'm hopeless at this...but that one line really sells the entire piece...well done!
I think you're actually quite lucky to be a klutz...I can think of a lot of people who wouldn't mind getting out of that long list of chores..lol. Did you actually pour petrol all over yourself?
The ending was as effective as the opening, really draws the story to a satisfactory close and brings the drama full circle.
I love this! This is the kind of poem that really needs to be read out loud. I'm no poet, but I do appreciate the art of great poetry.
I love the way this piece is punchy and catchy...it has a really great beat to it.
More importantly, the message is one worth writing about. I was very curious to know your opinion on this topic, seems you have played it safe and sat on the fence lol. This is a question that has plagued me many a time, and has probably got many adults in a spin.
This is brilliant! How wonderfully put! This is the most interesting entry I have read. It truly shows the excellent talent that is limitless on this site. I love your analogy, a very creative spin on this challenge.
But at Writing.Com, one establishes roots and becomes a citizen of a bustling, thriving community, complete with its own economy, thirteen newspapers, and a post office
Your piece is not only witty, but it is a great insight into the way W.com works...and the talent that is a cornerstone of this community
This is a delightful poem! Truly beautiful writing! You write with such grace that the words seem to dance of the page, not only is your writing thoughtful and true it is also a pleasure to read.
And this can only happen
When you realize it’s true
That everyone needs someone
And that someone is you.
The ending is magic! What a wonderful hopeful message to everyone (which is a lot of people) who have felt like this.
I didn't review this when I should have, but figured better late than never.
I confess I had to look up the meaning of phoenix, but it did help to bring the whole piece to life. You have described it so well actually.
Your poetry is really beautifully written! It is so annoying to read poetry where the author has forced the words to rhyme, but so refreshing when rhyme is used as effectively as it is here.
I love these lines... Wings of feathers crimson, gold
Shroud the moon as they unfold.
They perfectly illustrate the grace with which you use rhyme to give life to your words...and how you use imagery so well. This piece is full of wonderful imagery, there are no lines that I can select as my favourite...the piece is very well written (did I mention that..lol)
Write On!
Regards,
Farhana
Please take a look at "Invalid Item" . I think it could get some more exposure for all your wonderful writing.
This is a really interesting piece, not only because it is written so well, but because it deals with a sensitive topic so tactfully.
Your writing is so creative, what an interesting twist to the prompt. The story is so concise, so short, yet so complete.
I am thrilled with the ending. Thank God common sense prevailed. In a hostile world full of hate, it was so refreshing to read something that had so much depth.
I loved the lines... I felt good about that smile and the fact that two individuals of such disparate backgrounds could share a moment of empathy on a train in the middle of nowhere
Brilliant!
Write On!
Regards,
Farhana
Please check this out if you have time. Thanks!
"Invalid Item" :
I saw a great review of this, and just had to come by. This is a really cute and funny piece. I'm afriad to write anything else, in case you start picking holes in my use of grammer or lack of it
I think some use of colour or italics would be helpful, some parts don't flow that well because the reader gets confused as to who is talking.
I hardly learnt any grammer skills in school, which is a real shame. I think it's really sad that people have lost the ability to communicate effectively when ironically there are so many mediums by which we can now communicate.
A great piece.
Regards,
Farhana
P.S.
I will be featuring this as "Invalid Item" , hope you get lots of great reviews!
This is a really interesting piece of writing, a ver enjoyable read. You write well and you story has enough depth to capture the readers attention. I would give it some more flesh though if you want it to be a great story, there are some points that seem to be only half-explained.
Some suggestions for improvements...
That, of course, is the same thing I told her.
re-phrase...perhaps I told her that but she just sighed and went to her room ~ create some more feeling...
He was pale white. He had no color. He was lifeless.
Pale and having no colour seem the same to me...personally these short sentences don't create enough impact...As a reader I want to see chaos, noise, people rushing...machines beeping..and in the middle this lifeless body of a middle aged man, greying at the temples....
He had no response to anything the paramedics tired.
Tried
I looked around for anything out of the ordinary.
I thought this theme was going somewhere...I'm not sure why you included it...If it was a sucide you need to build up to it...and as you've written it...you need to explain in greater detail why you suspect something fishy...Is it so strange that someone should die?
In the hallway was the 4 year old girl that was waving at me when I came in.
You say girl here..and used the word "gal" earlier...remember to keep it consistent.
One guy said, "I can tell by your actions what you are thinking." I thought nice observation.
I'm afraid I can't tell...This paragraph seems a little artificial.
You had a great ending with the gas station case and phoning the wife..very nice, very real.
I do think this is a great story, you have a lot of potential here...keep on writing!
This is a great piece, well written and convincing argument overall...
Here are some suggestions for improvements...
And I don’t understand why there are always more guest online than
guests
I am reading everyday, entering contest everyday, and learning something new everyday about writing.
Everyday I'm reading, entering contests and learning something new about
I have read some journal entries on writing.com that are truly amazing. What a tool this is! As long as there is electricity there is no chance that these journals will be destroyed. I do not have to be paranoid about electricity either, too many rich people, governments, and world banking organizations need electricity, and so I am sure that it will be available for all time. Anyway!
I can see why you have chosen to highlight journals, but personally I think there's far too much other stuff to this site to single out one thing.
You also use exclamation marks a bit too much, like you have in this paragraph...I don't think there needs to be an exclamation mark after every good point.
The problem with this paragraph is that it weakens the rest of your argument, no one doubts the fact that we will always have electricity.
Writing.com features a lot in the piece, I think it looks best when it's capitalised and in italics...whatever you think, keep it uniform.
Use some more italics and WritingML, especially where you are highlighting the different membership packages.
Sign your name or alias at the bottom, you might even choose to start it as a letter too as the style does suit that.
I love the fact that you highlight currency conversions...that's a great point and very useful.
Hope that helps, keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
Is this a new forum? *scrolls up*...yeah, that's why I have never seen it. When I saw it in your port..I thought, where has this little gem been hiding?? I have always heard about Raok, but had no idea that there was a way of requesting an upgrade.
Are the requests dealt with in preference to just giving out upgrades to expiring members? It would be useful for members to be able to gage their chance of getting an upgrade via this method. You may like to mention the number of people that have requested an upgrade and had it paid for in the last month...something like that.
The rest of the details look clear enough.
Keep up the great work!
Regards,
Farhana
If you have time, please check out my upgrade group "Invalid Item"
A very cute analogy. I like the way you dealt with this. The 3 different types gave your piece a good structured, beginning, middle and end. I think everyone would probably prefer the middle option, a bit of balance in life is always a good thing.
The only suggestion for improving this piece is perhaps you could use some italics...like in this expample... he considers the “sniff-test” a valid assessment of the cleanliness of his chosen outfit.
Put sniff test in italics.
I think some cleverly placed italics could stress the important bits and make this easier on the eye.
This is a great place as contests are a wonderful feature of the site. I run a weekly contest "Invalid Item" that gets much needed exposure from this page.
I have mentioned it in the suggestions box, and would like to take the opportunity to ask again. I would love to see the list shortened so that posts can remain valid. Posts regularly become outdated and some contests close completly but the plug is still up there.
People tend to spend a lot of time entering contests therefore are less likely to browse all of them. Posts at the bottom of the page hardly get noticed.
Thanks for your help and keep up the great work,
Regards,
Farhana
This is such an amazing, touching...moving account. I was at the edge of my seat when you were describing trying to contact the crew...I could feel my heart racing faster.
This is such a sad story, but you still managed to show the hope. By describing the good work that is done you really gave this account an edge of optimism. I don't know how you managed to stay calm, but that is our body's amazing way of coping with tragedy.
Keep up the great work!
Thanks for sharing.
Regards,
Farhana
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A very funny piece...I laughed out loud at the punch line!
The technical support staff had strict instructions to not bother us unless the customer calling in 
What does AMA stand for?
You are so right! You guys have to deal with what the vast majority of us will never witness...dealing with what you guys have to deal with takes an amazing strength of mind.
I love this piece. You know when I first started 
this, I didn't realise it was a poem...ok, so it's very late 
...but it honestly reads like a story, so when I read it a bit more carefully, I was inspired by how effective your writing is!
, but it did help to bring the whole piece to life. You have described it so well actually.