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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fateparadox
Review Requests: ON
74 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I review the way I want to be reviewed. I don't focus too heavily on grammar, though I am good at picking up common mistakes and repeating phrases, etc. What worked for me in your story? What didn't? I will primarily focus on style, and will mostly provide opinions that you should take with a grain of salt. I am constructive, but honest. If I think something can be improved, I will state that, but I will always tell you what I liked as well. You don't need a thick skin, but you do need to be prepared for some detail and not fluff. Finally, I have a somewhat busy real-life, but I PROMISE to try to have a story reviewed within the month of the request!
I'm good at...
I pride myself on characterization. I focus on the meat of the subject, your protagonists/antagonists--what makes them tick? Do they act consistently through the prose? I look for stilted plots, inconsistencies, incorrect narration, etc so that I can help the writer improve those parts. Grammar can come later!
Favorite Genres
I review what I write--I don't really feel qualified to critique genres I'm not familiar with. I will work with: Horror, contemporary fantasy, paranormal, folk, urban fantasy, young adult, poems, some book compilations
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, nonfiction, historical fiction, children, most fan fiction (with some exceptions)
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, flash fiction, poetry. I like humor, particularly dry or dark.
Least Favorite Item Types
Particularly long books/stories, interactive pieces, unedited/unfinished pieces.
I will not review...
I want the piece to be at least somewhat cohesive. Let me see your baby, not a half baked fetus! I will review any rating, even XGC. I'm not easily offended, shocked, or grossed out. I will not, however, review most erotica. I am still growing as a author in that genre, so I will not be able to provide any opinion of use.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of My Cat  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a cute, lighthearted poem. I think you embodied the personality of a cat just perfectly. I feel the end was a bit rushed and the focus shifted from your cat a bit suddenly. Otherwise, I had a lot of fun reading this!

Thanks for posting.


~*Paw* Shroud


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2
2
Review by Rakkit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this short story! I like the descriptions and the beginning had an excellent hook. Your writing flowed well, and I did not immediately catch any grammatical errors. I almost feel like there should be more to this story than what we've been given. It's like the ending leaves me lingering on a cliff, waiting for more of the story--so I hope there is more, though it may have totally been your intention to have the ambiguous ending. Either way. I liked it! Thanks for posting!


*Paw* ~ Shroud


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3
3
Review of Undiscovered  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Undiscovered          *Reading*



Hello!

I stumbled on your story through the review request page, and I thought I'd send you feedback.

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:
This was a fun little creature story. I enjoyed the creature's description.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

The plot was simple and straight forward. I enjoyed your style in the story and found it easy to read and follow.


*Key* Scene/Setting/Character/Dialogue:


I feel like a little more could be added at the beginning detailing the girls' motivation to drive recklessly. I would like to get to know the girls a bit better so I feel more invested in what happens to them as the story progresses.

As a note, Terij's dialogue feels a little stilted. I think maybe a few "gurl's" could be shaved from her expressions and that would help streamline her dialogue.

*Key* Grammar and Mechanics:

“Ohhh, I see what you wanna do!” Terij says with a mischievous smile. “Do your thing.” --This is in a different tense than the rest of your story.Your story is written in past tense, but I notice in this line and the paragraph after, you flip tenses a couple of times.

She gripped the stick shift, slammed on the clutch, and shifts a few gears up.


Otherwise, this story was well edited with few errors.

*Key* Suggestions:

Final thoughts: I liked this as a bite sized monster piece. It was fun, and your creatures were fascinating. I had a difficulty suspending belief about the mushroom spores, and would like a better explanation about them maybe being something undiscovered (most forest shrooms have to be ingested for their effects to be notable).

Anyways, I quite liked this piece! Thank you for posting!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Rakkit Shroud


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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4
4
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed the subversion and mixture of religion and science providing the 'evidence' the Noah in this story had to build his ark. You kept true to similar tone that Noah was mocked for building his ark, and the relevance to what is going on right now is poignant. Your dialogue is believable--I'm sorry to say that I've encountered people who say very similar things in my own life. The only thing I might suggest is to use more contractions, because when we speak, we tend to clash words together as much as possible, but that is a more personal style note.

Great job. I enjoyed this short story! Thanks for posting.


*Paw* ~ Shroud


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5
5
Review of Come and Walk  
Review by Rakkit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Reading*          Review for:Come and Walk          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your poem!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

This was a cute little poem and I couldn't help but smile a bit while reading it


*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

I didn't catch any typos or grammar issues

*Key* Suggestions:
Poetry is always a little more difficult to critique than prose, so please feel free to ignore my suggestions! *Laugh* I felt this poem was cramped together without space to breath. It could really benefit from having some stanzas and some lines restructured. When read aloud, it doesn't flow off the tongue easily, and I'm wondering if it's from the use of repetition in the phrase "At times". Repetition can be a powerful tool for emphasizing a theme in poetry, but can also clutter a poem up when done too closely together. Perhaps split the lines up (have them start stanzas?) and add lines between? Just some suggestions!

I really like line: At times it will turn and twist until we seem to be lost (ain't that the truth???)


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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6
6
Review by Rakkit
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:It's Snowing In April          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your piece!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

Aaaiieee. I feel tired. You do a good job with the monotony and the tone of this piece, even though we meander a bit with the character. I'm not sure where you want to go (is this a flash fic? a short story in the process? just a free write? I feel as if I've been given a small glimpse of a very possible, but only half imagined photograph)

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

I like your style, and the poetic turn your sentences take on. It shows a natural talent for writing. A lot happens--and doesn't happen--in this small sort-of story. A lot is said, without a single word spoken.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

This is a fairly polished piece, and I don't catch any grammar snags or typos with a quick read through.

*Key* Suggestions:

Perhaps break up your third paragraph. The line breaks I feel help with the structure of the piece. Also (I saw in the description that this is a work in progress?), start fleshing this ou more! In all, good job with this little snippet of writing.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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7
7
Review of Unforgotten  
Review by Rakkit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Uknown          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your poem!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression :

I don't usually review rhyming poetry...it isn't my forte. I love poetry, but I am a very freestyle individual, but you had a few lines I really wanted to comment on.

*Key* Form/Style:

The style is unique. You don't have this separated into stanzas, and I'm honestly not sure if it works or not, but it doesn't take anything away from the poem, so I will just comment that I think it could use some line breaks to keep it organized.

*Key* Voice and Imagery:

I really liked the line "and throught the shadows, the light of the moon breathes"

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

I didn't catch any typos

*Key* Suggestions:

In all, an enjoyable poem that I read a couple of times to really try to catch the meaning. There were a few times that I think you tried to force a rhyme that distracted me, however. That is just my opinion (and I've already established I'm not great at rhymes in general *Laugh* ) But I do feel the last line and rhyme (yours/gores) ends abruptly and could use some work.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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8
8
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for: The Game She Play          *Reading*



Hello!

Thank you for giving me a chance to review your poem!!!I apologize it has taken me so long to get back to you. Busy! Busy!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. As it is my opinion, I *happen* to like it, but you are more than welcome to disagree! Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

Hmmmm....I find this bit interesting. You do some interesting work with rhyming in your sonnet.

*Key* Form/Style:

I like some of your rhymes. They do not come of as sing-songy, which at times can be difficult. My favorite is possibly the first stanza. There is just something about the words that provide an ooomph.

I also like your light play with alliteration in the second stanza (seduced and sedated), and in the third stanza (forgotten and forsaken)


*Key* Suggestions:

I'm not sure about the last two lines. I like the three stanzas prior, but I feel the last lines are rushed. I can't offer any more than a gut feeling, I'm afraid, as poems by their inherent nature are so subjective. Besides, sonnets are a weakness of mine in general.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you for asking me to look at it!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense.

Anyhoo, I hope to see you around my port! Don't be afraid to stop by and give a poem or two a critique!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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9
9
Review of Dog’s dally  
Review by Rakkit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Dog's Dally          *Reading*



Hello!

I am reviewing you poem for my Rising Star's M2M review.

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

If I could count the times my animals have chewed or messed up something they were not supposed to, I would impress super computers with my computational skills. I couldn't help but grin a bit and think, yeah....this is like my Kane.

*Key* Form/Style:

The Haiku sonnet was a hard one! I don't know if this was a poem you completed for the Rising Stars challenge, but I know that I had a hard time trying to keep up with the syllables in my poem. I like how you told a story within the poem.

*Key* Voice and Imagery:

I could picture the dog, chewing on what he knows he's not supposed to be chewing on. *Laugh* cute!

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

None.

*Key* Suggestions:

I feel like the last stanza could use a little bit of work. It does not feel as thought out as the rest of the poem, but that is just my opinion. I'm not sure if 'wisdom' is the best word.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud

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Rising Star Group Member to Member Review Sig


*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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10
10
Review by Rakkit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:With Ice in Her Veins          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your piece!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

This short story packs a whallop and a ton of information.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

You have a good way with words, and this short story doesn't come across too 'telly'.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

your words vs my words

'I did,' she thought bitterly, still staring at him, 'for twelve long years I kept that secret. Twelve long years I endured him getting on top of me in the dark night while everyone soundly slumbered around me. While most kids were terrified of the boogeyman, I begged the boogeyman to come and steal me away.' Rather than '', it is my personal opinion that thoughts are better separated by using italics, but that is entirely up to you. Another thing I noticed is you use the word 'him' (i.e. 'I endured HIM'....), if this is her thought process, it is more likely that she is thinking toward the dead individual on the bed, so instead it would more likely read "Twelve long years I endeared you getting on top.... Both are technically right though.




*Key* Suggestions:

I have no suggestions other than what was above. I liked this story and I think this was done well.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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11
11
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Reading*          Review for:Three Words or Two          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your piece!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

This was unique. I liked it, and some of the phrasing was really nice.

*Key* Form/Style:

I like the way this sounds if spoken aloud.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

I didn't really catch anything

*Key* Suggestions:

I usually don't like poems with longer lines and single stanzas, but I think it works for this piece. The only suggestion I have is that perhaps "Don't go; I love you" is poignant enough to deserve its own line, but that's just my opinion.

Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud

** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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12
12
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading*          Review for:(Two) Minds of My Own          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your ...story....?

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression :

Chuckle. Yeah.... I liked this. I thought it was cute, and a fun spin on a very difficult contest. I like the use of colors and visual as 'actions' when those aren't allowed by contest rules. Very, very smart. You rogue, you. *Wink*

*Key* Suggestions:

Other than commenting on the fact that your ending offered us a philosophical dilemma/question without really offering one up, I have no suggestions. Good job.

Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud

** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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13
13
Review of An Unworthy Vent  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:An Unworthy Vent          *Reading*




Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your poem!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

A lot is going on in this poem. I can feel a fair bit of frustration going on.

*Key* Form/Style:

There is a good ebb and flow to your words and the stanzas. I liked it.

*Key* Voice and Imagery:

Things tied well together. I think I like the second stanza best.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

Other than the lack of capitalization in the letter 'i' in the second stanza (which I am assuming was intentional) I did not catch any typos or grammatical errors.

*Key* Suggestions:

No suggestions. Like your description says. This poem achieves its function as an vent for emotional pressure.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


This review has been submitted to:
 
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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Dear Me: Official Entry          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your letter to yourself! *Laugh*

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:
As far as rating, I don't think I can really 'rate' something that you are doing for yourself! This is purely for encouragement, and, boy, you sound like you belong to the procrastinator united club like me! (Tell me, have they decided on an official hand shake...yet...or are we still putting that off too?)

Take baby steps. One word, one sentence, one paragraph, one page, one chapter at a time, and don't get discouraged. Above all, that is the most important thing! No matter what--while the music is blaring and the WiFi is off--if that page remains blank, don't get upset at yourself. You are your best cheerleader, but you can also be your own biggest roadblock. Take things in stride!!!

Anyhoo, enough of the feel-goods from this fellow procrastinator. You get back to writing, and make sure you make good use of writing.com. This site and the peeps that use it can be a fantastic resource!

Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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15
15
Review by Rakkit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Phoneix:Ashes of Life          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your story!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

The beginning, despite being a bit choppy (see my grammar below) caught my eye. I see some promise in this story.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

There isn't a lot in this chapter for me to really get a layout of the plot. We are sort of introduced to the main character, but the tone/style of the piece is very 'telly' with little descriptions. The voice is a bit passive and could be worked on, but I see the possibility for a deep and immersive world peeking about.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking:
YOUR WORDS vs MY SUGGESTIONS

*Paw* It was a long day, I barely got rid of my last contract before he got rid of me. As I was walking through the Hunter's Hall with cuts and scars all over my body, victim's head in hand, to receive my reward, I fell upon the one thing I did not wish to see, his son standing before me, wielding the knife of his father. This is one sentence, and that's a long sentence! I felt out of breath trying to read it. Try breaking this chunk of prose up into smaller, more manageable sentences.

*Paw* In this first paragraph, you change the tense of your writing. I'm floating in the darkness now. I have no idea how long it has been since I died. It could have been minutes or even years. It's cold, and hard to breathe... So... Hard...
I get up quickly, gasping for air.
This is in present tense. I stood up quickly as soon as I realized that my village, the one my parents raised me in, was now destroyed on the other side of the lake. This is in past tense. It would be best to maintain one tense throughout your story. Honestly, past tense is much easier than present and the easiest to adjust to. Rather than writing "I'm floating in the darkness now.... it would be more like, "I floated in the darkness. I had no idea how long it had been since I'd died...." etc.

*Paw* Your first paragraph in Chapter 1 is a lot of information to process and very long with long sentences. Try breaking it up a bit. (see my suggestions below)

*Paw* "Hold it lad, don't you remember us?" asks the one who prevented my escape. I look up to see that he had a golden beard in the shape of a bird wing. I shake my head in answer, afraid that if I try to talk that I couldn't. "Poor lad, must've been through quite a bit," says one with a hairy skull under his chin. "I could imagine. No child should... Each time someone speaks, this is the start of a new paragraph.


*Key* Suggestions:

You have an interesting story to tell, and it is original. I like the idea of watching a man struggle through living multiple lives with hazy memories of his death before. But, you have a lot to say, and a lot to tell in only a little bit of space. Take a breath! Let your story flourish and add some detail. Break up some of these long sentences, add some descriptions. There is too much happening in too short of a space. You can stop and smell the proverbial flowers, so to speak.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud

** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Where My Heart Lies          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your poem!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

Actually, this made me chuckle. You have a good play on words that I quite easily caught.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

No typos that I found.

*Key* Suggestions:

This is short, but some poems need to be. The only thing I question is the need for the ' ' around the word 'lies'. I think the word play speaks for itself and the marks actually take away from the reader's ability to catch the turn of phrase on their own. But, that is only my opinion!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


This review has been submitted to:
 
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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for: An Unexpected Encounter          *Reading*



Hello!

I am reviewing you STORY/POEM/ETC for my Rising Star's M2M review.

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

I liked this little snippet of a story. I wished a little bit more would have happened, or been described, but in all it was an enjoyable story.


*Key* Scene/Setting/Character/Dialogue:

The narrator becomes an unwitting, and likely unwelcome, witness to something he does not understand in the middle of the forest. You do a good job describing the going-ons of a forest. I enjoyed my little glimpse into the day of the forest critters.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

Intrigued by the sound, yet knowing that i should leave, my curiosity best me and I stood there, silently listening
(know that I should leave)

*Key* Suggestions:

As this is a flash fiction, I would work on paring down your words. For example, when you write,
Like a ghost, or apparition, I slowly crept along, stepping softly, not wanting to make a sound or let a leaf give me away. Instead of ghost, or apparition, just choose one of the words. I kinda like apparition myself, but that's just me. There are few sentences throughout the piece I feel you can shorten.

I also feel like you could describe the ceremony a little more. Give me just a little more forboding, or something else to go on. It doesn't have to be much, but something that may make the narrator/reader a little uncomfortable about what they've uncovered.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud

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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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18
18
Review of Sleep.  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Sleep          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your piece!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

I like this little piece. I can relate to the feeling of being alive in her 'world' and preferring being solitary.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

No plot, per se, just a free write, and tons of voice. I picture someone bored and a little put out with the monotony of living, preferring instead the depth and imagination and escape her thoughts/worlds provide.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

Nothing, really except maybe to break this piece up a bit, but you would have to expand it a bit to make it longer than a paragraph. I actually didn't find accidentally broken grammar rules. (I mean, you have some sentence fragments, but I think you fully intend those.)

*Key* Suggestions:

I'd like to see more on this, perhaps you could even change the format. I'm not sure if you're a poetry person, but this would be fun to create as a poem. Just a suggestion.

By the way, I love the line: "Her greatest desire was to roam her dreams and then eventually burn along with them."


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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19
19
Review of This is me!  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Reading*          Review for:TITLE          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your POEM/STORY/ETC!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

I feel like you're telling a story that a lot of people can relate to. You do a good job in expressing frustrations and confusion in the poem.

*Key* Form/Style:

The style is interesting. I like your varying lengths of sentences. It provides a way for me to distinguish where I've read.

*Key* Voice and Imagery:

You have a unique voice and I like some of your imagery. One line in particular: "Give a rose with 12 petals...to express in 12 ways of every scar i have"... I like those lines.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

It's hard to discuss grammar with poetry, as grammar can be broken on purpose for the sake of emphasis. However:

* At the beginning, when you say: "I've done to much to walk away, and to less for me go unnoticed/To blind sided..." All of the 'to's' you have used, should actually be the word 'too'.

* sometimes you under case the word 'I', but I feel like that likely is on purpose, so I'm bringing attention to it on the off chance that it wasn't, but it isn't something that has to be changed.

* in the line "Iam what got made me" the words I am have no space.

*Key* Suggestions:

Your second line reads a bit awkwardly, like you may be missing a word. Perhaps you could look at it and see if that is true. Other than that and the few grammatical issues I found, I enjoyed your poem. Thank you for posting!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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20
20
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Winter room Temperature          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your haiku!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

Brrr....toes, nose, fingertips. It all goes numb in the winter! I know the feels.

*Key* Form/Style:

You follow the five-seven-five syllable rules for the haiku.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

The first line, I believe would read better as "A cold winter's day".

*Key* Suggestions:

None, other than perhaps fixing the first line. I like the little exclamation mark at the end. I'm not sure which is worse, honestly, numb toes or a numb nose!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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21
21
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Reading*          Review for:Broken Heartstrings          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your poem!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

It was easy to tell your state of mind when this was written. I could feel the frustration, the hurt, the quiet anger that had been building up. You do a good job in exhibiting that.

*Key* Form/Style:

This was a bit different for me. I see a bit of free style poetry, but also attempts at rhyming structure as well. There's nothing wrong with having some rhyming elements in a free style poem--it can help with flow, and you do have some really good lines. As far as form, the lack of stanzas makes it hard to keep track for me, but that is just one of my personal preferences.

*Key* Voice and Imagery:

I particularly like the line "I've felt the breeze steal sun and the day". Good imagery!

*Key* Mechanics:

Other than my preferences for poetry to be broken into stanzas, I didn't see any issues with mechanics or typos.

*Key* Suggestions:

The poem achieves its goal of describing your place in thoughts/mind during a hard spot in your relationship. I'm glad (in your description) that the rough patch passed, but the poem does a good job in showing how much work relationships are and will always be. thank you for posting!!!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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22
22
Review of Crystal Dream  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Crystal Dream          *Reading*



Hello!

I thought I would give you some feedback on your piece!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

This piece confuses me a bit. In your description, you let us know that it is a dream you've had many years ago, but that is all the back ground that has been provided. I'm not sure if you meant this to be a free-write piece or if I need to review for grammar mistakes as well.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

The style is disjointed--which, given this is a recounted dream, isn't necessarily a bad thing. There isn't plot, and the voice to the piece is very 'telly', which again may not be the worse thing. I am not sure what your goal is.

*Key* Scene/Setting/Character/Dialogue:

Other than yourself, there is one other character. There has been attempts made in physical descriptions, but there isn't much known about him.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:
YOUR WORDS vs MY WORDS/SUGGESTIONS

Darkness is all around, as I look forward a man in a black pinstripe suit is standing a few feet in front of me with snow white wavy collar length hair, I am feeling afraid. This is a run on sentence. 'Darkness is all around' is an independent clause, and cannot be separated with only a comma. You will need something else. In the same way 'I am feeling afraid' is also a independent clause and cannot be connected to the rest of the sentence with only a comma. There are similar grammatical mistakes throughout the piece.

*Key* Suggestions:

If this is a free write piece, then it works well. However, you should perhaps add a small note at the beginning, allowing your audience to understand that you are not trying for grammar or story writing, but rather trying to get your ideas down on paper. This is a good standalone free write piece.

If you are looking to make this a short story, or a flash fiction, I would work on first expanding it and making it longer than one paragraph. You can add more details between the sentences. Show us through actions, through different descriptions about this man and what he held that made you less afraid.


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


** Image ID #2100246 Unavailable **


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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23
23
Review by Rakkit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Reading*          Review for:Runtur and Ragnarok          *Reading*



Hello!

Thank you for giving me a chance to review your poem!!! I assume you've read my review style and picked me because you like my snarky attitude? No? Oh...well, regardless, I will be taking this request seriously, so on to the meat of the subject, so to say!

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. As it is my opinion, I *happen* to like it, but you are more than welcome to disagree! Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Emotional Impact:

I caught a lot of references to the Norse mythology. (I mean, I would expect no less waiting for Ragnarok). This was fun to read, and I like the first line of the poem. Life is a smear of alcohol....it will hang you over like none other. *Wink*

*Key* Form/Style:

The style is free form, and original. It was easy to follow.

*Key* Voice and Imagery:

The Norse imagery was fun to pick out. You did a good job balancing it out and using it to your advantage.

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

I didn't really catch any typos, honestly. I feel like the poem does what you intend it to do, and I don't have any suggestions.

*Key* Suggestions/What I liked:

No suggestions, but my favorite lines are:

Revelry is colorful.

Blood-rain tingling the Sky

Life is a fantastic smear of alcohol


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I'm hoping I've given you something to improve and gnaw at, or at least a giggle or two.

Anyhoo, I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Sammy's Future  
Review by Rakkit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Sammy's Future          *Reading*



Hello!

I am reviewing you flash fiction for my Rising Star's M2M review.

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:


I thought this was a cute little story. It combined a child's curiosity, and a grandparent's love--allowing little Sammy to be a little wiser and more grown up in the end.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

You add a good bit of detail into this little snippet. I can see the home that Sammy is sneaking through, and I can imagine that child's curiosity getting him into a bit of trouble now and again.

*Key* Scene/Setting/Character/Dialogue:

Hard to do with no dialogue and such a short story, but sometimes an action is worth a thousand words, and that is the action here. The weekly ritual of putting money up for his grandson can speak volumes in developing a character, and Sammy's somber reaction to the realization gives even a bigger insight to his character. Good job!

*Key* Grammar Nitpicking/Mechanics:

He peaked around.... peaked should be 'peeked'

Holding his breath he turned... A comma is usually placed between a 'dependent clause' and an independent clause. i.e: Holding his breath, is a dependent clause, because the rest of the sentence can exist without that part and still remain a full sentence. This occurs a few other times in the story, and the rule is similar with 'ly' words (i.e. Slowly, he opened...)


*Key* Suggestions:

Nothing other than thank you for understanding about my little misshap with the writing.com reviewer screen *blushes* that hasn't happened before!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


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*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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25
25
Review of Numb  
Review by Rakkit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Reading*          Review for:Numb          *Reading*



Hello!

I stumbled on this, and I thought I'd send you feedback.

Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.


*Key* Overall Impression:

Very nice. I felt the character's confusion from the beginning, and you did a good job guiding the reader (me) through what was happening.

*Key* Plot/Style/Voice:

The story flowed well, though some of it was understandably confusing as the main character drifted through the various stages of trauma and consciousness.

*Key* Scene/Setting/Character/Dialogue:

Fantastic job describing the wreckage.

*Key* Grammar and Mechanics:

I didn't notice anything right away.

*Key* Suggestions:

For a piece of flash fiction, it reads well and complete. I don't have any suggestions and just wanted to thank you for a good piece!


Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!

May your muses sing,

*Paw* Corrine Shroud


This review has been submitted to:
 
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#1908150 by Writing.Com Support

*Fleurdelis*          Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality          *Fleurdelis*




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