| Review for:Phoneix:Ashes of Life
I thought I would give you some feedback on your story!
Note: please keep in mind that everything posted here is my opinion. Any stylistic suggestions that I give should be taken with a grain of salt.
The beginning, despite being a bit choppy (see my grammar below) caught my eye. I see some promise in this story.
There isn't a lot in this chapter for me to really get a layout of the plot. We are sort of introduced to the main character, but the tone/style of the piece is very 'telly' with little descriptions. The voice is a bit passive and could be worked on, but I see the possibility for a deep and immersive world peeking about.
YOUR WORDS vs MY SUGGESTIONS
It was a long day, I barely got rid of my last contract before he got rid of me. As I was walking through the Hunter's Hall with cuts and scars all over my body, victim's head in hand, to receive my reward, I fell upon the one thing I did not wish to see, his son standing before me, wielding the knife of his father. This is one sentence, and that's a long sentence! I felt out of breath trying to read it. Try breaking this chunk of prose up into smaller, more manageable sentences.
In this first paragraph, you change the tense of your writing. I'm floating in the darkness now. I have no idea how long it has been since I died. It could have been minutes or even years. It's cold, and hard to breathe... So... Hard...
I get up quickly, gasping for air. This is in present tense. I stood up quickly as soon as I realized that my village, the one my parents raised me in, was now destroyed on the other side of the lake. This is in past tense. It would be best to maintain one tense throughout your story. Honestly, past tense is much easier than present and the easiest to adjust to. Rather than writing "I'm floating in the darkness now.... it would be more like, "I floated in the darkness. I had no idea how long it had been since I'd died...." etc.
Your first paragraph in Chapter 1 is a lot of information to process and very long with long sentences. Try breaking it up a bit. (see my suggestions below)
"Hold it lad, don't you remember us?" asks the one who prevented my escape. I look up to see that he had a golden beard in the shape of a bird wing. I shake my head in answer, afraid that if I try to talk that I couldn't. "Poor lad, must've been through quite a bit," says one with a hairy skull under his chin. "I could imagine. No child should... Each time someone speaks, this is the start of a new paragraph.
You have an interesting story to tell, and it is original. I like the idea of watching a man struggle through living multiple lives with hazy memories of his death before. But, you have a lot to say, and a lot to tell in only a little bit of space. Take a breath! Let your story flourish and add some detail. Break up some of these long sentences, add some descriptions. There is too much happening in too short of a space. You can stop and smell the proverbial flowers, so to speak.
Let me know if my ramblings make sense. I hope to see you around my port!
May your muses sing,
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Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality