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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fifthwood
Review Requests: ON
148 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi R,

I liked your story. You have a lot of imagination. I would love to see this expanded. I think a full story would be an epic telling. I think that is what I want most. You described the characters very well. I kept asking myself though, what are they after and what brought them here?

I only found one mistake as far as selling and grammar. About halfway through the story you wrote --> The man name no movement. Shouldn't NAME be MADE?

I love the possibilities you have here and would love to see you expand on it.

Keep it up!
Jeff
2
2
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Pure,

I liked the concept you have started out with here. You have set up the time frame nicely, by noting it is 20,000 years in the future, plus another 3,000 after one failed attempt. I like some of the nuances you added for the aliens, such as having to get a nod from their leader before speaking. You then alluded to the conflict when the humans gave the planet to the Vohm, instead of the Kausuins.

The only thing I can note that is a problem is some spelling errors and missing words. That all can be easily fixed by having someone else proof read your story.

I hope this helps. You did a great job! Keep it up!
Jeff
3
3
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Robert,

I liked your story. It has a good premise. You have created something new for vampires, with the power over souls. I hope you write another short story continuing this on and explaining more about the power a vampire has over souls.

I liked the dialect that you used throughout the story. It helped to put me back in that time.

I do feel there a couple of things that could be changed. At the beginning after your first break You start with --> The man at the door removed his hat. I feel it needs a sentence before that dealing with timing. Something like --> Several hours later in the dark chill of the morning.

The other thing is you didn't describe anything about the ritual over the brother's grave. He jumps into the grave and claps his hands to get the ash off and then he's giving a satchel to Stefan. I really think you have a good opportunity to talk about the ritual here.

These are only suggestions. It is up to you how you want your story to look.

I think overall you did a great job! Keep it up!
Jeff
4
4
Review of SANGREVILLE  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi YesMrBill,

I liked the beginning of your book. You worked the first person very well. You did a good job of not over using I. I like the premise of your story. I am interested in seeing how things work in Sangreville.

So I had a few thoughts for you and it is entirely up to you if you want to consider these things. I kind of felt the idea of vampire town was taken too casually by the characters. Are the existence of vampires common knowledge in this story?

Another thought, You used (delete) a few times in the first chapter. I would consider who your audience is. In the first chapter you very openly talk about sex, but delete swear words. This is a mixed signal. If you are trying to reach Y.A. then you are going to have to dial the talk about sex back. If you are trying to reach a more adult audience then you need to put in the swear words.

You did a great job! Keep it up!
Jeff
5
5
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Sew,

You have a very interesting concept here. I like it. I know this was for a short story competition, but I think this is something that could easily expand into several books about Kamie becoming a kind of P.I. It almost had a supernatural feel to it with how Sara was killed.

I did notice a tense confusion. You wrote --> The town they live in is a quiet New England town. It should be "live in was a quiet..."

The only other thing was, again I understand that this had a word limit, but the ending seemed rushed to tie it together before the limit.

I really think you should expand on this. The ending to me says you have so much more to say about the story.

Keep it up!
Jeff
6
6
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Fangus,

This was really good. I especially liked the ambiguity at the end. It allows the reader to interpret it the way they want. Did she let a ghost of herself in? Did she fall out the window? Just a couple of the interpretations.

I didn't see any grammar or spelling problems.

Great job!
Jeff
7
7
Review of Celebrating Irma  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Eliz,

You have a very good concept in this story. A baby girl born on the day Irma hit is named after the hurricane and goes on to do great works across the world. On the hundred year anniversary she is being honored for her work.

There were a couple of things that I do wish you had done with this speech, however you may have been under a word limit and couldn't expand this story. The biggest thing I would have liked to have seen is more information and description on what kind of relief efforts and tragedies did Irma face around the world. I think this would have given a better hook for the reader.

One other thing and this is very optional. You wrote that Irma was the worst hurricane in a hundred years. Whether you believe in global warming or not, forecasters do say things are going to get worse with the hurricanes. Maybe worse hurricanes could be your lead into the work Irma has done.

You have a great premise here I hope you keep working with it.

Keep up the good work!
Jeff
8
8
Review of Paradox of Choice  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi CJ,

I enjoyed your story. You set up a good paradox and you draw the reader in by making them invested in the father.

There were a few minor things, I felt in my humble opinion, that could use some attention.

You keep using the words small crib. I think bassinet would be a better choice.

You wrote --> "WHAT?" Harri screamed. Grant dropped her hand. What has happening. From Grant on should be a new line. Harri's dialogue should stand alone.

Right after that you wrote --> "Twins?" I got confused who said this. Some clarification would be great.

At the end of each time loop Grant says what the babies will be named. I know it was Grant who said it, but I think state Grant said it, especially at the very end, it would be more poignant. Like this --> "Yes. Leo and Laine," said their father.

Other than those small things I think you did a great job.

Keep it up!
Jeff
9
9
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Schnujo,

I like your short story. You did a great job showing how you were not happy with the situation. The ending was a nice twist, however I think I would like to know more at the ending how it made you feel finding out you were helping a disabled vet. I know you added the cap to your collection so you wouldn't forget what happened on that Memorial Day.

I didn't find any mistakes with your spelling or grammar. I liked the twice used "Meaning?" I'm not a big fan of doubling up like that, but it worked nicely here.

I can see why this was nominated for the Quill Awards. Keep it up!
Jeff
10
10
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ragna,

You have a very deep story. I liked that you chose a lesbian couple to be the prospective parents. That was a very brave choice, considering the environment now a days.

You did an excellent job of showing Natalie's pain when she was sitting in the rain. I think I would've liked to have known more about how Shayne felt. With her, we only got a few facial expressions.

I was also wondering if Shayne could have children? I feel that if you explain why she couldn't it would help with forcing the two choices on the reader. If Shayne could have children, then there is a third option.

You did a great job! Jeep it up!
Jeff
11
11
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Bob,

I really enjoyed your short story. It was very cute. I loved the modern twist of retirement and relocating the elves. I also loved Rudolph's attitude.

I did not find any grammar or spelling errors. You did a great job of setting the scene and being descriptive.

My only thing is I would like to know what UNESCO stands for. It sounds familiar, but I can't place it.

I wish I had ore for you, but you've done a great job. Keep it up!
Jeff
12
12
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Gedankenexperiment,

I enjoyed your preview. I would enjoy seeing more. Your use of language lent well to the steampunk feel.

At first I hesitate to say anything about what you have written, because it is a preview, but I do realize that you are using this as your hook. I would like to suggest that in your first paragraph, after saying "And then he did." I would start with a new paragraph. It seems to me that you change subjects here.

At the end where you have "Damien landed hard..." I think this should also be a new paragraph and add a little more description of what happens to the Actuator. Maybe something to the effect of how it falls apart.

I liked the last sentence, "One down, ninety nine to go." This leads nicely into what I am sure is a really good story.

I hope this helps. Great Job!
Jeff
13
13
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Undead Viper,

You have a good strong horror story here. I like the twist on the Pokemon, showing them as natural predators. Your descriptions of the action and the pain were very good. I was impressed with how exact you were with each wound she received and how it hurt.

I did notice there were some misspellings. I found you used both Alisha and Alesha. I suggest having someone with fresh eyes edit your work. I have found fresh eyes find a lot more edits than your own eyes that have been over the words dozens of times.

There was one part of the story that did confuse me. When you were describing what she had to live for you mentioned she had to find that special someone. At the very end you alluded to the fisherman who found the remains of the bikini was her husband. I don't know if I misinterpreted that or what.

I hope my suggestions help.
You have some great work here. Keep it up!
Jeff
14
14
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: E | (4.0)
A.C.,

You have a really good strong story here. I could believe this was an actual myth from Norway or Sweden. You did a great job of enticing me as a reader.

I feel there were a few mechanical problems.

Myma -- mother -- why must we tire ourselves... {I would suggest getting rid of MOTHER. I think it's clear what you mean by saying Myma.}

After a moment Merith sank back into the lake.../...As she looked into his eyes she thought... {You had in a previous paragraph that she slipped into the lake and then that she was looking into his eye. May I suggest that you add something like "Merith peered up through the water into Jacob's eyes." Then we know she is under the water.}

...Sacrifice eternity for a moment... {A moment of what?}

I think you need to describe more action how the men fought Merith before dragging her out of the water.

I would check your verb tenses. There were a few times you switched between past and present tenses. I would also go through and delete all the THATs. the word THAT tends to be a no no for writers. I suggest getting someone to edit your paper for grammar. I have always found fresh eyes find many more mistakes than I can ever.

I really loved how you described the growing crack in the lake like a tree. I thought that was very vivid and beautiful.

I also really liked the ending. Maybe I'm cynical, but I get tired of the everyone lives happily ever after. The sad ending of your story was what made me believe this could be a real myth.

I hope these suggestions help. I think you did a great job on your story. Keep it up!
Jeff
15
15
Review of Elf Team Six  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Brick,

I really enjoyed your story. I get the feeling that your goal was to stay under 2000 words, but I would love to see an extended version of this, or more stories about ET6.

I really don't give two flying shits about swearing. It gave your story a kind of sardonic twist that I liked. However, this story could also be very much a good children's story. I think you should try a version that is safe for a younger audience and see if they enjoy it.

Definitely let me know if you write more on this story line. Keep up the good work!
Jeff
16
16
Review of Black Friday  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
John,

I enjoyed your tale. It has a good strong message about the dark side of the holidays. I especially liked the small comparison to the starving people in other countries.

The only thing I wanted more out of it was some humor, but the more I think about it that may not be the way you wanted to go with this. So, that is totally your call.

I didn't find any problems with your spelling or grammar.

I think this would make for a good editorial piece in the newspaper or a seasonal magazine. I really think you should try to submit it.

Keep up the good work.
Jeff
17
17
Review of Gate 11A  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Blake,

I like what you have here. It almost has a Twilight Zone feel to it. Throughout the story I wondered if Paul was an alcoholic, or had mental problems. I also wondered what people were seeing about Paul that Paul couldn't see.

The ending I found frustrating. You put this twist in it, but there was no explanation of what was going on. The whole thing with Richard being the cop, but also making Paul a bagel really confused me. I had no idea of what direction you were going with that. I really feel you need to extend the story long enough to explain where this thing with Richard was going.

I didn't find any problems with your grammar or spelling. The mechanics of your writing are very good.

I really hope you add onto the end of this story and I would really love to read it. Keep It going.
Jeff
18
18
Review of Depression  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: E | (5.0)
Jen,

Thank you for sharing this. You never want someone else to go through this, but it is comforting to know you are not alone.

You did a wonderful job of describing the downward spiral into the pit that is almost impossible to climb out of and how so many of us yearn for the bottom of the pit and release.

I'm really not any good with poetry, so as far as any mechanical advise I have none, but your poem did rhyme. *Bigsmile*

Again, thank you for sharing,
Jeff
19
19
Review of Anime Hamster  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Robert,

I really liked your short story. I get the impression this comes from a bit of experience. That's great. I think you did a really great job adding in references that pretty much only geeks would get.

I know this was only supposed to be a short story, but I think you have the makings of a series here. In this story alone you have the makings of a geek's Breakfast Club with a dash of Revenge of the Nerds.

Please keep writing.
Jeff
20
20
Review of Untitled  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Lady K,

I enjoyed what you have here. It's a great start. I definitely would love to see this expanded.

As for your requested review points. I only saw one place where you repeated your words.
"I began to pull my limbs inward, directing my body to contract and the limbs that were not needed to be swallowed back into my body." You used LIMBS twice.

I didn't have any problems with run on sentences or fragments. Yeah, some of your sentences were long, but I just think that is your style. What I may suggest is to mix up the lengths of your sentences and paragraphs. I noticed several paragraphs that were big, one right after the other. Your sentences were the same way. If you break this up with shorter sentences and paragraphs it helps with the readability.

Other things I noticed. I feel you need more description at the beginning for her transformation from a dragon to a human. It took a bit into the story to realize she was a dragon in human form. May I also suggest saying something about her naked form embarrassed Aiden. That would put it in the reader's mind that she is a female much sooner in the story. I had to pick up what sex she was by your use of pronouns.

I do realize that this is just an idea you are trying to flesh out. I think you have something really good here and you should keep with it.

Great job!
Jeff
21
21
Review of Poor Poet  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a good short story. I liked the Native American beliefs that you based the story on. You did a great job explaining the beliefs and then tying them into how the Elk came back. As a reader I had to believe Poor Poet found his body and returned.

I didn't find anything wrong with your spelling or grammar.

The only thing that confused me was the opening with the advertisement. I'm not really sure why you put that in. Maybe it's just me.

Great Job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you please review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give plenty of auto GPs for reviews.
22
22
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked your story very much. I can tell you put a lot of thought into the creatures and their powers. You also do a good job with the depictions. I can envision what you have written.

There were a couple of things that I would change, but they're mostly style, so you might not want to.

Human bones littered the ground as she moved closer to a CAVERN, the smell of death growing stronger as she continued toward the mouth of a CAVERN. (You used CAVERN twice in the same sentence. I would suggest changing up one of these.)

Dirty STANDS of black hair lined his face as he glared at Cateria. (I think you meant STRANDS.)

you ended the chapter abruptly. I looked forward at the next two chapters and I saw that in chp. 2 you switch to the daughter and then in chp. 3 you switch back to the fight. I understand that you were trying to relay the timing of during the fight what was happening with the daughter. If it were me I would've finished the fight first and then moved on to the daughter. I think finishing the fight first would give the story better continuity. But, that's just me.

I think you did a great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give plenty of auto GPs for reviews.
23
23
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this. You asked how your descriptions were. I think they were excellent. I could see everything you wrote. I liked the description of the jungle and the climbing of the plateau. I also liked the description of the giant city.

There were two points I noted:

Then SHE ran forward, and SHE jumped, catching one of the many vines that grew long and low from cracks in the platform. (You used SHE twice really close to each other.)

Sweat burned in her eyes and blood ran down her arms when her palms split, (You mentioned before this her veins glowed blue. I think you should describe the color of the blood that is running down her arms to tie the two statements together.)

I hope this helps. You did a great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give plenty of auto GPs for reviews.
24
24
Review of Deception  
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an excellent short story, which I think could work into a much longer story that could go in many directions. I liked the twist of the boyfriend being the assassin. I honestly did not see that coming.

I only had one problem. I think you should mention Alex's name when Kate is talking with her father. That way it is clear who she is talking to when he comes up to her at the pub.

As for grammar and spelling I found two things.

HE SHE thought he looked absurd in the day-glow orange jumpsuit. (Need to drop SHE.)

There were a few places I thought you should have started new paragraphs. Particularly when a different character starts talking.

I hope this helps and Great Job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give plenty of auto GPs for reviews.
25
25
Review by Fifthwood
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very well thought out love letter. It is different and unique compared to other love letters I have read. I like how you didn't want her to be compared to angels. I like how you want her just as she is even with imperfections.

I didn't see any problems with the spelling or the grammar.

I'm sure you put spacing in this letter when you wrote it, but when you pasted it onto here the spacing disappeared. I suggest you put the spacing back in for readability.

Great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of Auto GPs for reviews.
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