This is a good flash story, but I had to read it a couple of times. I think I was expecting something more comedic, based on your tag line. This turned out more to be about the misunderstanding of your art piece. I think you were proud your piece "Hand Pores" was a success when Ms. Nippy Nips didn't understand.
As for your grammar and spelling I didn't find anything wrong.
I think you did a good job.
Fifthwood
PS ~ Could you please review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I give lots of GPs.
I'm not one who is big on romantic writing, but I liked this. You said you're just starting out, but you have got some talent. I think you did a really good job building the tension about Jace's secret. I really felt for both characters when Billy got up and left. Personally, as a vet I can tell you that her actions crushed Jace, but that is just my take.
I really didn't find any problems with your spelling or grammar, however I think there might have been a couple of tense mix ups. You did say this was a work in progress, so I'm sure you will work all that out in your editing.
Great job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ Would you please review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it. I pay out GPs for reviews.
This is a very good start to your story. You have done an excellent job introducing the characters and describing them.
I enjoyed the different voices you gave the characters in the cartoon kingdom. That took some work and you did a wonderful job.
You did an excellent job setting up suspicion about the wizard Jackoby. The raven swooping at him was a nice touch. It makes me also wonder what is up with the raven.
I do feel there are a couple of things that could be added. I think you need to put Michael Gillam's name at the very beginning of the story. Once you finally gave his name when he was in class, I got lost as to who you were talking about. At first I thought Michael was one of the mischievous boy's friends.
I think you need to elaborate on how Michael ends up in the cartoon kingdom. Just falling asleep I feel is very lacking. I'm sure you are wanting the reader to wonder if it is all a dream, but so far that's all I see it as. Something like a large cabinet door opens showing the cartoon kingdom inside and the creatures drag his desk with the sleeping body into their realm would give it a nice touch.
The last thing I would add is while he is traveling to the keep he talks to some of the animals and they explain what is going on. I recommend that you actually create some of those conversations with the creatures. The way you have it now feels too much like an information dump.
I hope this helps. I look forward to reading the next part.
Fifthwood
This was a very good flash story. If you were going for the creep factor, I think you reached it. I knew by the time the intruder had tossed the body over to get to the gold teeth that Heryn was dead and his ghost was haunting the cabin. Still knowing that the last sentence was still perfect for driving home that last bit of the creep factor.
I did not find anything wrong with your spelling or grammar.
I think you could take this story a lot further with Heryn's ghost following the intruder and exploring the forest and possibly a close by village, with flashbacks to how he died.
Great Job!
Fifthwood
PS ~ WOuld you review something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it and I always pay GPs.
For off the top of you head and from a picture this is pretty good. I think this is a very good start. I'd like to hear more about the aliens and to see some action, but like I said this is a good beginning. I'm sure you have more.
As for your grammar and spelling, I'm sure that will come along as you polish this.
The only thing I had a qualm with is the time periods. You said it had been 6000 years since the satellite had been launched and it had been 5000 years since life had been found on Europa. In my mind in 6000 years I would like to think we would have traveled out into space and finally found aliens ourselves. I would also think that our technology would be stronger to defend ourselves. This is your story, but may I suggest either shortening the time frames or bringing the technology up to speed.
I hope this helps
Fifthwood
PS ~ would you mind reviewing something in my portfolio? I would appreciate it.
This was a very good start to your story. I liked how depressing the scene was and you did a good job describing how the main character surrendered to his situation. The end kind of surprised me. Since this is supposed to be the beginning of a longer story. Your ending to this chapter seemed rather final.
There were a couple of mistakes. I listed them below and the correction is capitalized.
It was life for all, not just him, and he should accept his place among THEM.
But the part of his mind, forced into EXILE, used this opportunity....
I did notice a heavy use of the word THAT. I was taught you should avoid using THAT all together if possible. I've rewritten your first paragraph showing how it would sound without THAT.
The clang and vibration. He hated these sounds. Francis hated more he was making them and without bravery he couldn't stop. But it wouldn't solve anything, the sounds would continue echoed by the men and women who stood alongside him. The sounds of sheet metal being hammered into place stretched out all around, giving the feeling it was he who was being enveloped by steel rather than the monotonous foundations for the building reaching above them.
I liked your story. It had a good premise and it kept my attention all the way through. I think this is a great beginning to a much larger story. I hope you will keep writing about Kreesh and Corwin.
I liked how you made English hard for Kreesh to speak and you did a great job showing differences in the two cultures.
I had only one problem in the story. I understand that Corwin used magic to make a fake Kreesh that had been killed. Where I got lost is what did the humans see the real Kreesh as, or did they even see her at all?
There were a few places that had some misspellings or I would have written them differently. I have listed them here and capitalized the change.
GREAT news. Been looking to exercise my sword arm.
SO she let him pull her sword out and lay it in the dirt. (I would delete SO. Sounds better.)
THE NEXT THING SHE KNEW KREESH awoke on a bed...(I would delete THE NEXT THING SHE KNEW and replace SHE with KREESH.)
This was a really good story. I liked how Doersham was daydreaming about being captain over Riker on the Enterprise. When watching Star Trek I always wondered if there were officers that weren't the best.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.
I have only one thing that I would change is having a better description of the ships coming through the rift and maybe something more about the Empire than the final sentence. But, that is me. I'm assuming you have a second part somewhere that tells more of the Empire?
I liked your story. It had a good premise. I liked how you moved easily between the classroom X's inner thoughts and memories. It wasn't clumsy at all. The lecture from the professor was also good. I would think you took that straight from experience, which is a good thing. I'm always told we should write what we know.
I think your sentence and paragraph structures are fine. I didn't see any mistakes or misspellings.
I could only think of three things that I might change. The first one is a simple one. You talked about the book Something Happened. At first I missed that you were talking about a book. It may have just been me, but I would recommend putting single quotes around it like this; 'Something Happened'
May I suggest you take out the part about X smoking. Again, maybe it's just me, but I think you might turn off a lot of your readers who don't smoke. Maybe have X fidget with his keys to his car.
The other thing was the ending. I was expecting to read a little about X and Y going to the coffee shop. to me it's like you skip a part of the story. Maybe you could do the ending where he pulls into the parking lot of the coffee shop. I think it would tie it together a lot better.
I hope this helps,
Fifthwood
PS~ Could you review something in my portfolio? I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
I think you have an excellent idea. I just feel your description lacked a punch. I think one of the problems was you dwelled on his mundane day for too long. I'm sorry I don't have much more than that. It's difficult to explain in an e-mail.
I did like your tag line. "So, why are you here, Mr. Simmons?" Well, to begin with, I am perfectly sane." This is what grabbed me and convinced me to read your story. I think you should incorporate this line into you story.
There were a few mistakes. I've listed them here and capitalized the mistake.
They were all too begrudging to grant that pleasantry on a Monday. ~~ I think this line should be at the end of the previous paragraph instead of by itself.
....it was almost as if the entire world around me WAS simply holding its breath.
....kept SCCRATCHING until they rubbed off ~~ You added an extra C
I started to sweat and could feel the rivulets OF IT going down the length of my back. ~~ I'd delete OF IT.
No blood, THOUGH, not a single ounce OF THAT. ~~ I'd delete THOUGH and OF THAT
No matter what I did, it always felt clammy as a corpses'S ~~ I'd delete the 'S
Those white orbs seemed ready to pop right out OF their sockets.
As for you questions before you begin the story, I don't think you need anymore action. The beginning sets up the scene and introduces the characters. That's what I think is supposed to happen.
I liked Julie. I became invested enough in her to want August to save her.
The twist is good. I didn't see it coming. I don't think you rushed the ending either. It did leave me wanting more, which is a good thing. I want to know how Dr. Morgan convinces August to become more than a janitor. I would like to know why the town was blown up. August trying to save Julie is a whole other story.
The only problem I had was there were a few places where words are omitted. I think you have the same problem as me. We think faster than we write. Just some quick editing will show you where the missing words are. I try to read the sentences from the last one to the first. It breaks it up so you have to concentrate and then it is easier to see the mistakes.
I think you are off to a very good start. You definitely have something worth working on. I'd like to know where the story is going. I think you could work this into a series that builds Janet up to a battle hardened captain.
As for editing. I wouldn't worry about that right now. Just get the story down and then go back over it.
I really enjoyed your short story. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. Especially with the technical aspects. At the end you definitely give a feel of despair in the story. However, the navigator seemed kind of nonchalant about the whole thing. He simply deletes the last star from the maps and crawls back in the suspended animation chamber. There wasn't much about how he felt. Was he feeling despair, or peace, or was he slipping into insanity?
I thought your short story was very good. I honestly wish you had made this longer. I was thinking you could maybe add in something about a day in school and how the other students ignore her, because she was showing off for them at the end. Maybe write about cleaning her dress as she was planning to get back at Meredith. Have her try getting back at Meredith, but fail. I just hink it was so good that there needed to be more.
I only found one mistake. I capitalized the mistake.
Cassie couldn't help but she a tear as she scurried to grab TO her book.
The other thing was a sentence near the beginning.
She slid the book to the side as she reached to grab her tea.
It felt like you were repeating yourself. Cassie should either reach for the tea or grab the tea.
I think you did a great job with your storytelling.
Fifthwood
Simply put this is dark, but I'm guessing that is what you were going for. You did a great job.
My only complaint is there are a few places I think you can delete some words to tighten up your sentence structure. I listed the sentences here and I capitalized the words I think you should remove.
The woman in chains kept ON screaming.
She has been GOING ON for centuries.
The only important thing I found OUT was THAT she will never reproduce with a human.
This was a very good opening for you story. You introduced some important characters and I was able to get a good understanding for them. I was impressed with the names you came up with for your characters. That's a lot of work in itself coming up with names from a different culture.
Your sentence and paragraph structuring was great. I didn't see any misspellings.
Interesting note. I''m a huge fan of Japanese culture. There was a scene where Mr. Akiyama pats his daughter on the head. Twice even. In Japan that is a blatant show of one's power or status over another. It is almost considered demeaning. I don't know if you were going for that or not.
I look forward to reading more of your story.
Fifthwood
This was a really good short story. It kept me interested all the way through. I was wondering what Katie's parents did to separate them. I was also wondering why the transformation of Theo. But, those are good signs of a story, to keep you wondering.
I did find to missing words. I capitalized the mistake and listed them here.
It has to be a hundred times as large AS Mama and Daddy's trailer, she thought.
Katie realized Theo never came to play WHEN she was in the same room with Nana.
I really liked your story. It kept my attention all the way through. I liked how you made the medium different from the stereotype and you even worked that into your story.
The sentence and paragraph structure was great. I didn't see any misspellings.
If anything, I really didn't see it as a comedy. The scene where Sandra and Christy argue I felt it was more action than anything.
I thought this was really good. We as writers always talk about bringing our characters to life. You made it as literal as possible.
There was only one problem I found. At the end of the second to last paragraph. The second to last sentence doesn't make sense. It looks to be cut off. "It's scary, not knowing what is going to happen to you WHEN." When what?
I really liked this. Your story builds up nicely. The structure of the sentences is great. The only thing I wished was to know what was in the hole at Mutton's place. I feel you cut the story off before we found what was causing the fires and spooking everyone.
I did find a couple of misspellings. I capitalized the mistake and listed them here.
He shook his bland sunburned face in Robert's DIRECTION.
Inquiring to the PIECE'S whereabouts Robert's frustration grew upon hearing it was the only memento....
I think this is a very beautiful story. I like how she strips away her existence to become something new. This is a dream of many people.
There are a couple of problems with your writing structure. The first thing I noticed was the big block paragraphs you had. These big paragraphs tend to make the story sound monotonous because it isn't broken up as much. I would recommend going back and looking at where you could break these into smaller paragraphs.
There were also a few misspellings and verb confusions. I have capitalized the mistake and listed them here.
She stayed silent as she PERFORMED for a crowd of nobles.
....she quickly pushed herself up with er thumbs and began to walk on her HANDS once more.
....as she spun along the path that created a nebula of dusty stars around her small form as she DANCED.
She giggled and began TO sprint towards the forest.
Something naked and shining IN the moonlight.
There was also one sentence in the first paragraph that was a run on sentence with two ANDs. I recommend breaking this sentence up into two. Something like this.
Her then wrist gave out from under her, body falling forward. She landed a bang on the hard checkerboard floor.
I think you have a great idea here. It is going to take some work to develop it. You are off to a great start.
The things I noticed were the last three paragraphs need to be broken up. In the third to last paragraph you have a conversation going on between Light and James. Every time one of them talks that should be a new paragraph.
There were also a few misspellings and verb confusion that I found. I capitalized the mistake. They are listed here:
While CHOOSING the rational choice would have been a safe move....
The oak dresser was made in Italy and was ONE of the pieces that he still owned after the divorce.
If the power pole DECIDED to fall while he WAS attempting the rescue, it WOULD kill him.....
A loud snapping and crack sound came from overhead, the WOODEN pole that housed the power line....
Before James could FORM a response, the power pole.....
Keep working at it. You are onto something!
Fifthwood
You definitely have an idea you have been milling around for a long time. It is a good one. There is a lot of potential.
You said you're stagnate and don't know where to go. May I suggest some of the tools I use. Start with outlining. If you don't know where to start with outlining the story, then work on the characters. It looks like you have several characters you can develop by outlining. The first two you can describe are Eldekkar and Shiloh-Tabor. In my mind I'm seeing Eldekkar as a king, or wizard, or even a dying god. Shiloh-Tabor is his polar opposite. You can work on describing each of the races; how they look, talk, act, believe. What has started the war between the races? What has allied some of them. In the outline talk about the one stalk of wheat, the boy who found it, and the screaming baby. I think one of your most important characters to outline, will be the world this takes place in. You put in a lot of work describing it in this prologue.
From there hopefully parts of the story will begin to develop and you can outline those parts of the story. It sounds like a central part of the story is how this war between Eldekkar and Shiloh-Tabor has been repeating itself throughout the ages, like a game of chess. I think that would be a good place to start outlining the story.
I look forward to seeing more of your work on Pillars.
I hope this helps,
Fifthwood
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