Years ago I was an avid science fiction reader. I love it and have opinions on what I like.
Your first chapter is great. The pacing is very good. I found myself just reading rather than critiquing very quickly. Also, a picture of the environment and characters also started to fill in quickly.
You created questions on what Lyra did in the past and why Cassian intervened without dragging the narrative. Same with both the world they find themselves in and the consequences of the character's actions.
In short, I think it's clear you are a talented writer.
My only critique is that the 'overlord vs peasants' caste system is kind of common. In subsequent chapters I hope that you differentiate your world in some way.
I don't have the expertise to comment on grammar and wouldn't mark on a few typos. Maybe selfishly I think grammar isn't important as long as it isn't so obviously terrible that it detracts from the read. What is important is that the writer conveys the story or message they intend. My opinion is you did that nicely.
Thanks for the read.
Findingfeet
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