Hi! I'm Rocky Horror Fivesixer Show , and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "No One Noticed" .
First Impression: Hi Maci! I'm reviewing this because I came across it while judging for the "Love Shouldn't Hurt Poetry Contest" , and I noticed a few things I wanted to point out in order to help...I hope you don't mind. Please note that I understand this is a very personal and painful topic, and this isn't meant to judge your experience in any way whatsoever...this review is strictly based on the writing itself and not the content.
What I Really Liked: You kept a really good, loose rhythm throughout the poem. Even though it's a simple set of quatrains in an AABB scheme, you'd be surprised at how hard it can be sometimes to do this, given the length of your lines.
Spelling And Grammar: I didn't notice any major spelling errors, but there were a few instances where you capitalized words that didn't need them...for instance, "Mother" doesn't need it because technically it's not a proper noun here. Same with "Bruises" in your opening line, along with "Mom's" and "Dad". Conversely, in your last verse, it's my opinion that "Sunday school" is a proper noun, so both words should be capitalized (although the rule is a bit cloudy on that and I could be wrong). As for grammar, I'll use my Suggestions section to point out some instances specifically where you may not need a comma, or where a change in punctuation may enhance your poem's flow while also making it a cleaner read.
Suggestions: Fist, your poem is 28 lots; not the 24 you have stated! But that's an easy fix . Again, please keep in mind these are just my opinions, and you're free to do what you want with them (or nothing at all)...ok, here we go:
Stanza 2- Last line, "me and on my Mothers'"...the apostrophe should be moved over, and the wodring sounds a little clunky. I'd consider "You can see it on mine and my Mother's faces."
Stanza 3- "can not" in the first line should be one word. In line 3, remove "are" and take out the period; in line 4 use a lowercase "a" in "aren't" and remove the comma after "face". That makes lines 3/4 one smoother, longer sentence.
Stanza 4- In line 2 I think you're ok with inserting a comma after "up", initiating a slight pause between an action and a reason. I'd consider starting line 3 with "As" and replacing the period at the end of the line with a comma, again joining it in a sentence with line 4...make "My" lowercase and use "had" instead of "and". Again, a smoother, cleaner look and read while maintaining the flow.
Stanza 5- The first two lines seem a little jagged in their flow. There are a couple ways you could go with it; one suggestion would be to take out the first period in line 1 and use a semicolon instead (or skip the punctuation altogether and use "and" instead)...remove the period at the end of the line, and in line two use a lowercase "b" in "Because". In line 3 use a semicolon again instead of the period and make both sentences into one. And in line 4 I'd consider swapping the order of "speak" and "cry", because in my opinion crying is more dramatic and speaking is less subtle; if you're using "even" as an effect the emotional balance would be evened out and corrected there.
Stanza 6- I think you want to use the past tense of "use" in line 1, which would be "used" (that's a common error because the "t" sound can make the phrase "used to" sound like one word) Then, you can combine lines 1 and 2 again into one sentence by removing the period, or leave them separate (either one works)...but the comma in line 2 isn't necessary.
Final Thoughts: Suggestions/corrections aside, I do think you have a heartfelt, emotional piece that can render readers sympathetic to the child at the heart of this poem. And again, I know this is a difficult topic to write about on many levels, and often harder to judge in a contest and/or review...I do appreciate you taking the time and effort to write this piece and enter it in Love Shouldn't Hurt.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!