Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "THE CHRISTMAS OF 1964" .
First Impression: I was just doing some random reviews and this item came up. I don't generally read items like this, but I did and I'm glad.
What I Really Liked: I'm a sucker for happy endings...it's nice to see neighbors pulling together to help one another rather than trying to compete for something.
Spelling And Grammar: No major errors of note, and no minor ones either...but I'm not really an expert. I just know when reading this I felt like you were sitting across from me, telling me a story in person...and I appreciate that in a short story.
Suggestions: I don't think your title needs to be in all caps. And your very first sentence...something doesn't sound right about it, but it could just be me. I'd go with something like "It was late in the evening on December 24th, 1964." That's all.
Final Thoughts: What a beautiful memory! I'm glad I took the time to read this piece; an uplifting story of community pride and respect for others isn't limited to any particular holiday season.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Resurrection Jukebox 2015 Day 3" .
First Impression: I was doing some random reviews, and this item popped up. I did the Resurrection Jukebox challenge with you this past year! I enjoy the Soundtracker challenges...February's should be awesome!
What I Really Liked: I love the Beatles, and I know this song has been covered the world over, but I didn't know there was a Ray Charles version!
Spelling And Grammar: No issues that I noticed, but I'm not an expert.
Suggestions: I would suggest that you create a book item for Soundtracker events...that way we can comment directly on your entries! But I understand if you're not comfortab;e with that.
Final Thoughts: I'm glad I came across this! One can never hear enough of the Beatles' music, even if it's someone else singing.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Gnooooome!" .
First Impression: Just hangin' around, doin' some random reviews, and this item came up. It gave me a good chuckle.
What I Really Liked: It's short. And naughty. And hilarious. What's not to like about any of this?
Spelling And Grammar: None that I can spot, but I'm no expert.
Suggestions: This is six lines long and consists of two sentences. I'm not making any suggestions. But I'd tell the guy gnomes to wear condoms...does that count as a suggestion?
Final Thoughts: Well, I'm giving this one star because that's what the description leads me to think this piece is looking for. I've written and read some Spam poetry that begs for one-star reviews, so that seems appropriate. On style and flow alone I'd normally give this at least 4 or 4.5 stars, but the hilarious content has determined your one-star badge of honor. Well done! And I got to add another notch to my smirk-post for today.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "A day in the life" .
First Impression: Hello and welcome to WDC! I hope you're enjoying your experience so far. I was doing some random reviews and came across this piece. The title and opening sentences pulled me in.
What I Really Liked: Honestly, up until the ending, much of this is very relatable...not just to myself, but I'm sure to many others who might come across this.
Spelling And Grammar: Nothing technical that a few good, solid proofreads can't fix. You also might want to use quotation marks instead of italics to separate the message dialogue in Chapter 4.
Suggestions:Please, before the ratings system catches this item, change this item's rating from 13+ to at least 18+! Trust me on this. Too much drinking, drug use, and f-bombing to fit this in under WDC's guidelines...refer to "Writing.Com 101" and the "Content Rating System (CRS)" for more information that may be helpful in how you rate your pieces. It's not how you might feel about a particular item or what happens in it, but how it gets viewed across the site. What'll happen is eventually someone will report it as not being rated properly, access to it will be blocked until you fix it, and it's uncomfortable for people who read it and don't feel it's appropriate. It's not you, it's them.
Also...you might want to put a line space in between your paragraphs. Otherwise, it looks like everything within the chapters runs together.
Final Thoughts: I'm not, by any means, a short story expert. My main purpose for this review, as I notice that this is just a draft, is to warn you about the rating so that you can get it fixed and can avoid any issues that could arise from it. As far as the story itself, I think you have a unique voice and can build this up into a very good short story, or even a longer piece down the road.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Ever-present Metal" .
First Impression: Hello and welcome to WDC, Cassie Hall. I came across this item randomly and was intrigued by the description, so I wanted to check it out.
What I Really Liked: I'm not always crazy about repetition, but the use of "And" to start sentences here works awesome. There's almost a defiant tone I hear when I read the second, third, etc. "And" in each verse. I also like the way it seems to build up into the emptiness that can sometimes happen when people move on from our lives.
Spelling And Grammar: Nothing I noticed that would detract from this in any way, except for the "'Round" in the third line. It's capitalized, so it either should be not capitalized, or there should be a period after your second line. Either one would work, but I'd go with the non-capitalized 'round, because it keeps with the consistency...there's another "'round" near the end.
Suggestions: I don't really have any, to be honest. Well, ok...one. This is listed as "lyrics", and maybe it's just the way I'm reading it, but I'm having a hard time trying to actually picture this in song form. I know that's not much in the way of a suggestion and it isn't very helpful, but that's just my way of looking at it.
Final Thoughts: Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. I think this is something a lot of us can relate to, and it's something that happens often throughout life...the friends we have in our teens may not be the same group we have in our thirties, and the people we hang out with in our thirties won't necessarily be the same friends we have in our fifties. But the common denominator is still the fire we light, whether it's in the places we always used to go or if it's just to reminisce privately about old times. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Alzheimer"
First Impression: This grabbed my attention immediately because of your description...my name is Norbert too (although I know for a fact I'm no one's father-in-law ). But like many, I too have seen what Alzheimer's can do to people, and it's sad to watch the decline (I don't know how else to say it, unfortunately).
What I Really Liked: I love that you used his voice from inside as the narrator. He is sad, sentimental, and longing. Regardless of the person he was before this, he still has a heart and comes across as sincere. I also like the last bunch of lines and how you use the same words to emphasize his feelings and his struggle.
Spelling And Grammar: No spelling or grammar errors that I can determine, but I'm not an expert.
Suggestions: Just a few aesthetic tips...in your brief description, how about this: For Norbert, my father-in-law. Eliminate the semi-colon and the capitalization of "My". Also, you needn't put your title in your item body section. It's repetitive, and obviously once you've submitted your item WDC's formatting takes over and the title comes up at the top.
Final Thoughts: An excellent piece about a sad situation. It's beautifully executed. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but sometimes writing about it helps us with our grief. I'm glad to have come across this today.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Love Gone Far" .
First Impression: Hello and welcome to WDC, erikhopp. I'm here to review your item and offer a few tips. I'm not a pro or anything, so these are merely suggestions; take them or leave them. I like "simple, silly poems", as your description implies...that's what drew me in.
What I Really Liked: I'm not usually a fan of repetition, but the use of "Love gone far" works really well here. It sort of sets up your rhythm, and your secondary lines fall right into place after that.
Spelling And Grammar: There are a few things here...in your third line, you need a space between "you are" (and eliminate the accent over the a...same thing in your fifth line with "it as"). Speaking of your fifth line and "it as", I think you mean "it is". In your 13th line, you don't need to capitalize "Hear"; same with "Public Park" a few lines later. I don't think I see any other major spelling errors, but there are some portions that grammatically don't flow as well because they come off more as sentence fragments. There are a few simple wording tricks you might be able to use to adjust your phrasing yet maintain your flow.
Suggestions: I would eliminate your first line; if it's your title in your item body, you don't need to include it there. I would also end your alternate lines with periods, to maintain the consistency in your punctuation. A few quick proofreads and a good going-over when you have some time might help you sort this out; when reading this I get the feeling you typed this up quickly just to get it posted yet haven't had the chance to go back over it...and I hope you do, because like I said, I love poems like this!
Final Thoughts: You've got a good start; a good base to work from. Don't give up on this! I enjoyed reading it, even if it's about pining after lost love.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Viper In Their House" .
First Impression: I'm just doing some random reviews today, and your item popped up. With your first three lines, title, description, and genres, you could take this piece in multiple directions. Being that I generally read humor and see things in that light, that was my first instinct- to find some humor in what is otherwise an unhappy or unhealthy situation.
What I Really Liked: I enjoyed that you threw me off from the line of thinking I was going down when I first read this. Your descriptiveness is very informative and fitting...whether you're drawing from your own personal experience or that of someone close to you (or from general information), you've done an excellent job at conveying the emotional scene.
Spelling And Grammar: No obvious spelling or grammar errors. I can appreciate the consistency in punctuation and capitalization; I don't think every line needs to be capitalized, and you don't do that (sometimes it drives me nuts when I see that when it doesn't fit ).
Suggestions: For the most part, there is an excellent rhythm and flow going on here. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it seems to break up a little in the second-to-last stanza...it's almost fitting; it's the part in the story where the bus hits the wall, so to speak. I don't know if anyone else would see it that way, and I wouldn't know how to change it to make the flow more consistent with the rest of the poem, but maybe it's something to think about should you ever wish to revisit this for the sake of revision. But that's just my opinion...take it or leave it .
Final Thoughts: Great work, Harry. I like how you summed everything up at the end. This was a good read...short, and quick, but informative in the sense that the reader can get what you're going after in your words.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "The Longing" .
First Impression: I'm doing random reviews of newbies, and your piece popped up! Welcome to WDC! I love the first line, and how the repetition of it changes in tone throughout this piece.
What I Really Liked: Excellent imagery! And the repetition I mentioned is fresh in each stanza with your use of punctuation...a simple but great tool for enhancing the feeling behind your words.
Spelling And Grammar: No spelling errors that I noticed.
Suggestions: Although this piece flows nicely, you could enhance this a little perhaps by using italics for "Hitch a ride" and/or "and fly". Read it out loud and decide where you want the extra emphasis. It's just a thought...take it or leave it.
Final Thoughts: It's a beautiful piece, and it conveys what you're looking for in its description. I like the feeling it gives me...longing, but without absolute sadness or guilt but also hope, and as a fellow writer I think that's what a lot of us want when we share our work.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi! I'm Fivesixer, and it's my pleasure to review your work today. Remember, this is only my opinion, so take whatever you'd like from it...after all, you're the author! The item I'm reviewing is "Encircling Glow"
First Impression: A warm holiday poem that expresses both the joy and sadness of the season.
What I Really Liked: I don't normally advocate the use of colors in text, but it works well here. The red and green signify the colors of Christmas, and the blue represents the sadness of family members who can no longer celebrate with us in person.
Spelling And Grammar: No spelling errors that I noticed, but there are some punctuation issues that interrupt the flow. I noticed this mainly in the last two lines of the first stanza, and in the first two lines of the third stanza. It could just be me and how I'm reading it though.
Suggestions: Perhaps a semi-colon ending the third line of the first stanza? I'm not sure how I would fix the beginning lines of the third stanza without disrupting your form. Otherwise, I think you're good here.
Final Thoughts: Bittersweet, like you said...but this could be read at any time of the year and it would take the reader back to their own feelings of friendship and family during the holidays. The festiveness balances out the melancholy well, and your ending ties the piece and the feelings together well. Great job!
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to check out your work at WDC! I hope you found this review helpful and encouraging!
Hi Skeason...I'm reviewing this for the 30DBC today. I don't normally do a lot of reviewing, and I don't think I've ever read anything of yours besides your blog, which I often find wildly entertaining and hilarious. This folder was my first stop in your port, and rather than review one item that's only a few words long I'm just gonna drop 4.5 stars here on the whole collection.
It's tough reviewing a haiku, because they're so short. It takes a lot to mess one up, I figure...but a well-written one really catches a reader's attention, and that's what's going on here. The whole "saying a lot by saying a little" thing, ya know?
Anyway, I really like what you've done here, and I'm embarrassed at not having read more of your work based on what I read during 30DBCs. I know you're intelligent and funny, but this folder opens up a different side of you that I'm not used to. I especially appreciated "Pain", "Religion", and "Victim"...but I think my favorite has to be "Insecure". No reason, really, other than I know what I like. Any number of words can be used within the form's limits...you've chosen some thought-provoking ones that really capture a certain essence. You're really good at what you do, both here and in your blog. Stay awesome.
Hi Carly...I don't review very often so forgive me for not having a template. I'm just going off snap judgments.
I was drawn to this piece because I prefer to read poetry, and I tend to sleep poorly with lots of nightmares. I know...a strange concoction.
I'm no authority...I'm just sharing what I think. My personal opinion is that if you're gonna use punctuation, use it consistently. I'm also not a fan of capitalizing every line, especially when they fall in the middle of a sentence.
That said, I really liked this, especially "Only I can break the spell. Only I can Awake." Powerful, and an excellent example of ownership toward the situation.
Thank you for taking part in the 2014 Summer Camp blogging challenge, and for being a member in our blogging community.
I've said it all the time...I'm in awe of your words. You're the grand poetess of WDC, and one of my favorite writers. I appreciate your talent.
The only thing I don't like about this is the overuse of commas, combined with the capitalization of each line. But who am I to say anything about a true genius' description of the longing sometimes all of us feels?
Thank you for taking part in the 2014 Summer Camp edition of the 30DBC...I very much appreciate it, and all you bring to our blogging community.
Hi Dana! I'm not a reviewer normally...I don't have a template for it and I'm just offering my opinion. So take this just as my impression and nothing more.
I love "The Writer's Cramp"! When I first joined WDC I used to enter it all the time with random poems. I was hoping to see a poem here, because that's what I normally find myself drawn to, but I can read a story too.
This is an enthralling read! I do wanna make a couple points though. I was told once that repeating words in a paragraph was a bad thing to do. Example: the use of "reality" in "The next few days passed in a shocked daze of police, his mother’s hysterical weeping and the seemingly endless search for a boy who couldn’t be found. Days bled into weeks that trotted into months as Gareth, with the flexibility of children the world over, adapted to his new reality. He quickly grasped the laws that governed his new reality."
The only other thing I wanted to point out was the misspelling of "Gareth" in the line "Cursing in pain, Garth jerked his hand away...". A simple consistency issue that's easily fixable.
That said, I enjoyed this piece. Thanks for taking part in the 30DBC Summer Camp challenge!
Hi Charlie...I'm reviewing this as part of the 30DBC review challenge. I'm not a serial reviewer...I don't have a fancy template and I'm only using snap judgments. In all my years on WDC, I've only reviewed a handful of items, so I don't claim to know what I'm doing.
I chose this because I was intrigued by the mental illness description...I've dealt with depression and addiction for a long time, so I feel like I can relate. And this piece pretty much nails it..."It’s in bed with you. Curled around your blankets, Holding you closely." Yeah, that's about right.
The only drawback, and maybe it's just personal preference, to this item, is capitalizing every line even if it's in the middle of a sentence. From a technical standpoint, it kinda throws things off. That's my only complaint.
But this is my favorite kind of poetry...free verse with a personal, almost confessional vibe.
Thanks for joining WDC, brother, and for taking part in the 2014 Camping Challenge. It's been a blast getting to know you, and I appreciate all you do for the WDC community.
I love works like this...open and baiting interpretation, while also being thought-provoking and abstract. The one flaw I noticed in this item is the misspelling of "thief" toward the end, but that's easily fixable. Besides that, this is a very intriguing piece and I really enjoyed it. Write on!
I absolutely love this! I think it stays pretty true to the subject it is parodying, and it's a humorous and entertaining read for sure. The only suggestion/question I have is why did you choose to hyphenate "apple-core"? I'll admit that when I read it in my head it does sound different (and maybe better) than "apple core" (without the hyphen)...it just isn't conventional and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. Anyway, thanks for sharing this and Write On!
Thank you for including the definition and rhyme scheme of a Triolet; I was unfamiliar with that and it possibly would've affected my review of this item because I'm not usually a fan of often-repeated lines in shorter works. The only qualm I have is the wording of lines 3, 4, and 5, and the way they're set up with commas after lines 3 and 4. They don't read like a cohesive sentence would, which makes me wonder if there should be a period somewhere in there instead. Other than that, a beautifully rendered item and an interesting spin on the subject matter. Write on!
Congratulations on your upcoming 20th anniversary! I'm sorry you had to experience what you went though with your first wife; it sounds unfortunate but I'm glad you were able to learn from the experience. As for this item, I'm rating it solely from a writing standpoint...a few of the sentences tend to carry on a bit longer than they should, especially the first one, which could be split up into two sentences. Also, I would use "ex-wife" instead of "x-wife" and "three years" over "3 yrs.". Also, there seems to be an extra period at the end of "...God sent to be blessed..". I hope you found this review to be helpful, and please, Write On!!
Very cute poem! It flows pretty well and, being that it's geared for children, it's simple enough to comprehend without sounding too cheesy. A couple lines kind of threw me off a bit though, whether it was just fragmented sentencing or misplaced punctuation... "Its mighty dry won’t fail a test." (I wasn't sure if "It's" would be a better fit; either way the sentence still sounds a little clunky) and "A stickiness so strong when dry, For sureness, strength, you shall get by." (I'm not sure what it is, but something about this sentence doesn't sound right). Overall, I did enjoy this piece! Write on!
Wow...I think this is incredibly encouraging and uplifting. There's a humble beginning, and along the journey- seemingly at every proper landing spot- there are reminders telling you that what you're doing is not only worth it, but that it's making a positive difference in the lives that matter most to you.
This is excellently written, and your last line is outstanding. I also like that you bid yourself "Love and best wishes"...I haven't read very many "Dear Me" entries lately but I'm sure that sentiment is casually overlooked more often than not.
Best of luck to you in 2014...I hope it is all you can hope for and more.
I'd love to see a winter toque for sale...black knitter hat with a yellow/white fuzzy ball on top, and instead of an embroidered patch, WDC should be stitched in in block letters.I could see this being about $30, and it'd be so worth it. I'd totally rock somethin' like that.
This is a donation from myself and Brother Nature for all the great things RAOK does throughout the year. Our little group is glad to help out and support RAOK. It's made a difference in the lives of so many authors on WDC, and I can personally testify that this is a fine representation of who we are on WDC.
I believe I say something like this to myself every day just to convince myself to get out of bed. This is succinct and well-put. The only question I have from a writing perspective is why would you capitalize every line? These are short, quick sentences in order and could benefit from being read as such...just my opinion.
Also, some lines don't need to end in a comma just to continue a thought.
On a personal level, I've been there (here). Quite often. I hope this isn't a serious cry for help and if it is, please seek treatment. A poem won't necessarily deliver the help that's needed, although it can be therapeutic.
A well-stated piece. I relate because I have insomnia issues to the point where I can lay in bed for hours unable to move because I'm so exhausted, yet I'm unable to turn my brain off and I'm afraid if I get up I definitely won't be able to sleep at all. For that I'm thankful for Ambien and my cocktail of other medications rather than the illicit smokes.
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But I'd tell the guy gnomes to wear condoms...does that count as a suggestion?
