A beautiful (and just a little bit sad) piece, Snow. I like how you sort of mapped the concept of getting older through recollections based off of vacation pictures, and the idea it leads to that you can kind of see the drifting of siblings based on those photographs (and how one in particular makes it clearly evident). A great personal framing of a moment taking in another moment. Excellent work!
I'm glad I came along this piece today while doing "Random Reviews", because I learned about a style of poetry I haven't had much experience with, and I like to come across different things...especially items I can kind of relate to.
I too was part of a trio of close-knit guys, and while we didn't go off to war, we all went through a lot together
I found the links at the bottom of this item to be helpful and informative. I liked the personal touches you added also, using memories to make the Rondeau feel more like a part of you and not just another style of poetry. Nice work!
Wow...it's hard to write an honest and respectful review when the material is so emotional and seems very personal. I can hear the narrator saying these words; better yet, I can feel them almost falling on deaf ears.
From a writer's standpoint, the only drawback to this item is in the first part...
"and no matter what I do
no matter how hard I try
I can’t seem to save you."
...there should be a comma, semi-colon or hyphen in there somewhere, perhaps even a period to break it up a little. It just seems like it's too long of a thought not to be punctuated somehow.
Other than that, it's practically a perfect item about a very imperfect situation, which must have been hard having to see yourself put into written form. That's very courageous. Excellent work.
A romantic poem about personal awakening and the realization perhaps that someone who was once "just there" or was maybe taken for granted can actually be the one that was meant for the narrator of the piece. At least that's my take on this item. The rhyme scheme is good...and I never pay attention much to form or anything like that, so I'm sorry if it seems like I'm nitpicking, but your lines are 7 syllables/6 syllables/7 syllables/6 syllables with a ABCB rhyme scheme except for your third stanza, which is 7/6/7/7 (my suggestion would be to flip around the "I couldn't" and make it "couldn't I"...to me it reads better when you're saying it out loud, but that's just my opinion). Other than that, it's a fine piece, hopefully of love found at the right time.
I couldn't resist chiming in on the topic of "Buffalo" wings...
I was born in Buffalo, home of what we simply refer to as chicken wings. Whenever someone from around WNY says "Buffalo wings", everyone just looks at them funny. You can get wings here pretty much anytime, and just about anywhere locally. It's what we're known best for.
It always makes me smile to hear stories from people all over the country who enjoy the product Buffalonians are probably most associated with (besides snow).
Hard to fault the few tiny grammatical errors in such a beautiful and touching story. Sounds like she was a very special woman. I think a lot of us can relate to that one person in the family who remains unmatched not only in the kitchen, but in life as a whole as well. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Having been born and raised in Western New York, I know exactly what you mean about the weather, the four seasons, families leaving out details in their legendary stories, and fresh, warm slice of pumpkin bread.
My favorite Buffalo weather expression..."Don't like the weather? Wait five minutes; it'll change."
A nice touch at the very end! I really didn't see that coming. At first I wasn't sure if they were teenage brother and sister, or a teenage boyfriend and girlfriend later on...that was kept pretty tight under wraps until the details slowly revealed what they meant to each other (being husband and wife).
Lots of dialogue...I'm not sure if the "She" and "He" need to be capitalized after quotation marks that include sentences that are fragmented by a comma. The only other sentence that's giving me any trouble is:
You know in all of our travels of twelve countries,
I would be tempted to word it like this:
You know, in all of our travels to twelve different countries,
Other than that, this item is perfect. A sweetly-timed reveal at the end, just the right length, and excellent imagery. Nice work!
Ok, don't hold this against me, but after I saw that you'd listed this under "comedy", I read it to myself in my head a second time with a funny monster-ish kind of gravelly voice (almost like something out of a cartoon), and that made me chuckle a bit more. It's a cute little story...if not for the old librarian's "unmentionables" it would almost be suitable for kids. There are a few misused commas, but the spelling looks good. I like the alliteration in the sixth paragraph, the "folly of the frail, fossil’s first freefall in fifty-five fortnights"...it adds a nice, catchy touch. Overall, it's a good story...it reminds me of the old, giant, important-looking buildings downtown with the cement lions or gargoyles out front, and this library is protected by one with a strong sense of self, a bit of a wild streak, and one who's just a little on the cocky side. Nice work!
I like how this item sort of lays out the situation, and then offers hope at the end. It's a well-written piece, make no mistake about it, but something in the first part doesn't seem right and I'm not sure what it is. I know when I say it out loud I want to put something in between "earth" and "spinning", but I don't know if I'd put another comma in there (which seems excessive), or a phrase (like "which is", but that throws everything else off), or what. But that's not for me to say.
I absolutely love the phrase "spreading peace, as if fragrance"...a standout line if I ever saw one.
Overall, I enjoyed this item. Odes to our Flag run far and wide, but this one distinguishes itself nicely.
Very nicely written...this piece doesn't seem as forced as so many others often do when the author wants to stick to specific schemes and patterns. I also like how you sort of broke up the usual themes of spring (nature, regrowth) with the more humanizing element of having to do taxes...nice touch! Overall, a good poem about all the different parts of April.
I never imagined I'd say this, but there aren't enough poems on WDC about sports, let alone ones that aren't sappy and cheap-sounding. This is genuine, and I think it says what the majority of fans want/expect from professional athletes. The first two lines jump-start the piece well, and the rest of the body lays out some good points...while these guys are almost superhuman in their athletic capabilities, they also make mistakes both on and off the field. You're right to admit that a fan's vision can become skewed...we wish they wouldn't have lapses of judgment and always be perfect, and we'd like to think their sport is all they ever focus on, probably as much as our bosses would like to believe that all we ever think about are our jobs and that alone. This item raises good points. Thanks for sharing it.
I like what you did here, balancing the two viewpoints against each other and allowing them to go off in opposite directions. Even though it's satire, you raise a good point in this piece...reviewers aren't always what they seem. I can totally relate.
I often think of Flash Fiction pieces as being an introduction to something bigger, and this is no exception. I'd be interested to see more about this...is the doctor a good guy or a bad guy? Does Andy wish to use his powers for good or for evil? In my opinion, a good piece of short fiction leaves a reader with more questions, hoping to spark creativity and discussion, and this piece certainly does that! I don't see any glaring grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors, and the topic is very interesting (even to someone like me, who wouldn't normally be drawn into reading short stories). Great work!
Thinking about this item and trying to keep up with it is making my brain hurt- it's that good! I can picture someone reciting these lines with a rapid-fire delivery like it's not a big deal that they can speak at a pace of ten words per second. It's also a very intelligent piece, but I'm not sure if we're supposed to know why it's a sad clown, or we're disappointed it's a clown, or "who cares, it's just a clown". Then again, I'm probably looking way too deeply into this. Great piece...a definite favorite!
The content itself is very interesting! I could almost see a movie or a tv show being made out of the idea. But I do have a few suggestions for this piece, and they're just that...suggestions.
In the second sentence, try substituting "solo" for "lone". It's subtle change, but it would mark a bit of a difference. There's also some punctuation/capitalization issues (not sure which, to be honest...it depends on which way you're intending to go) in the third paragraph, when you use the quotation marks. And the fourth paragraph, in the second sentence, I'd stick an "and" in there to keep it from sounding like a run-on sentence.
Overall though, it's a well-imagined concept! I hope you found this review to be encouraging and helpful. Keep writing!
Overall, an interesting tale of hope and freedom. The opening paragraph doesn't feel right though; like the sentences are too long. There's a couple other spots along the way where commas seem out of place, but I might be wrong. I don't usually read short stories, but I like the tone and feel of this piece, and it could be an introduction to a much longer story later. Nice work!
I love free-form poetry, and this item is a great example of expression. I can picture the scene/image almost perfectly in my head, along with what it would take for me to get there in the first place.
"headphones cover
classical anthems"
and
"no jacket
wanting to feel
cold air"
are my favorite parts of this item, as well as
"depression
pulls against
this road
always available"
which could probably stand on its own in four lines of any ordinary poem, but it seems to fit so well into place here.
You said it! I can relate with this item and I fully agree with the stance that it takes. It flows excellently with one exception: the last two lines of the second stanza. If you were to read them out loud in the context of the piece, it's not a complete sentence...if I were to suggest anything, I'd use "and" or "or" at the beginning of the last line, and either use an "a" before "toy", or substitute the word with something else.
Overall, I really like the emotion of this item, and how it calls out for one to stand up for their words. A great work of poetry.
I'm intrigued by the questions posed in this item. It's never easy trying to fit quality lines and good subject matter into a particular rhyme scheme, but here you've done an excellent job. The only real pet peeve I have is the repetition of a couple of words or turns of phrase, especially in the last two stanzas, although I don't necessarily know if I would change them because doing so might limit the effectiveness (think "will" instead of "shall", for instance). Other than that, I like the heavy brevity...the art of saying a lot without having to say much. Excellent work!
I don't understand why someone would rate this 1.5 stars! This is a very solidly written monologue (not that I know much about monologue writing). You relive the details very well, as if there were grandchildren sitting in front of you in front of a fire while you tell this to them like you were reading it from index cards in your mind. I really appreciate the down-home feel of it...even if I'm not much of a fan of winter and snow myself.
As far as any suggestions, I'm afraid I don't have any. I will say though that this seems like an item that may never, ever be finished, and I mean that as a compliment. A detail here or there may be tweaked or changed outright; a punctuation mark could be changed in a few places to sort of reflect a slightly different emotional vibe. Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece.
This is terribly sad, but very well-written. I can feel the emotion, the hurt, and the pain coming off the words when I say them to myself. I may never have been in this position, but in different ways it kind of hits the heart.
If I were to make any suggestions, I'd offer little quirks of mine: consistency. If you capitalize, use punctuation. If you don't use punctuation, don't capitalize. It's just a suggestion and something I remember being taught at a younger age. But other than that, I admire the strength it takes to put something so bare, heartfelt, and gut-wrenching out there. For that you have my respect.
This item has a lot of potential and a lot of charm (but I tend to feel more drawn toward stories of a more human nature. I'm going to be completely honest: I really like the story itself from top to bottom, but it needs grammatical work in a few places, some punctuation work, and something more than an automatic spell-check (WDC's spell-check won't catch words that are spelled wrong but look like words that are spelled right, obviously). Consistency with past and present tense in a few spots should be considered too.
But don't be discouraged...keep working at this piece! I'm sure there are a lot of young girls who can relate in different ways to the one written about in this piece, and I think this is a story that needs to be shared.
I'll admit it. You got me. I fell for it. I got sucked in to William, the outdoorsman who seems to have won both the best and worst things that could happen to him, only to find that it's a technicolored hoax. Because this was written for a Flash Fiction contest, the owl doesn't really seem to have a place; is that by design?
The only line that really gave me a hard time was: "Mon, you be to worried," the dock hand laughed, pushing the nose of the canoe toward the great unknown. Adventure!" William thought as he dug his paddle into the water. I understood the dialect just fine, but "to" probably should've been "too", and it seems to be missing a " somewhere.
Other than that, it's a fine piece of Flash Fiction, which I'll admit, isn't my specialty...I came across this in the "Random Reviews" though, and thought I'd check it out. Nice work!
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I'll admit it. You got me. I fell for it. I got sucked in to William, the outdoorsman who seems to have won both the best and worst things that could happen to him, only to find that it's a technicolored hoax. Because this was written for a Flash Fiction contest, the owl doesn't really seem to have a place; is that by design?