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701 Public Reviews Given
718 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
The purpose of my reviews is always to be as helpful as possible. I can't promise that I'll like what you have written or that you'll like what I have to say, but I try to be respectful and encouraging as well as critical.
I'm good at...
Unless otherwise requested, I'm picky (grammar, cliches, and meter in poetry). Characters and writing style take a lot to impress me.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi (apocalypse, post-apocalypse, dystopian, zombie), mystery, war, inspirational, historical fiction, Christian, non-fiction, contemporary, drama, comedy
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, short stories, non-fiction, novels
I will not review...
Erotica, gay/lesbian, fan-fiction
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Without You  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Bookopen* Part of your shower from "Invalid Item" *Umbrellao*

Hi again Angels in my Ear I'm here with another review, this time of your poem, "Without You"  Please keep in mind that these comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader and writer.

*Noteo* Impressions: Wow! Gorgeous imagery, utterly heart-breaking emotion and a dead-end conclusion. I love it! *Delight* I've said it before and I'll say it again: you sure as hell have a way with imagery. You can take even the most ordinary, cliched, almost mundane of things and transform them into something burning, vivid, alive...memorable. Next time I'm at the beach, I will be thinking of "trails of tears". A wonderful discovery. I love almost every line of this poem. I love its wandering flow, its brilliant yet darkening atmosphere, and the heartbreak of a dream we can never have. Just through the words you have chosen I can feel so much. The wording is perfect with a capital P. :-[ I mean, who can beat "fingers of fire", "rake across the sky", "reluctant...yet compelled", "retreating waves", "trails of tears", "loss of the tides"?

A deeply haunting, majestic poem that takes the most ordinary snapshot of a sunset over the ocean and makes it seem like the finest painting in the world. Hereafter thy name shalt be the Poet Painter of Writing.Com. :-[

*Noteo* Suggestions: My only "uh" moment was in the fourth stanza, where "I Miss You" is capitalized. Is there any reason for this? Are you trying to make it significant by emphasizing it? Because the significance escaped me. :-[ I think it would be less conspicuous if you just wrote it as "I miss you".

In fact, I found that whole fourth stanza a little weird. It's in keeping with the dream aspect (dreams can get real strange), but something about it felt a little...cheap? I (cruelly, brutally, awfully) believe that the poem would actually be better without it. Please forgive me! *Angel* I guess I just don't like it going off on a tangent, especially in such a short poem and right towards the end.

*Noteo* Favourite Lines: All of them! Oh, must I force myself to choose?! So many are real keepers.

I saw fingers of fire
rake across the sky,
reluctant to die,
yet compelled. *Right* Something about those last two words just melted my heart. Or poured ice over it. Because I felt like I couldn't breathe for a moment. I guess that's what they mean when they say something is "breath-taking"? :-[ Because you did it.

The retreating waves
left trails of tears
in the sand
weeping for the loss of the tide. *Right* Wow, wow, wow. One of the best descriptions of a beach that I have ever read. If not the best. Ranks close to Tennyson's Break, Break, Break.

*Noteo* Conclusion: After all this raving about the wonders of your poem, I would only embarrass myself by not giving it an awardicon. I think it's deserving of something better than just a praise-filled review. :-[

I hope you continue penning killer poems like this. Write on! *Peno*

*Noteo* Fi

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27
27
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angels in my Ear I'm here with a review of your poem, "The Words We Never Say"  This review comes as part of your shower from "Invalid Item"  *Umbrella* Please keep in mind that these comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader and writer.

*Bullet* Impressions: This poem says a lot about communication and how sometimes what we don't say can be more damaging than what we do say. I like the way you weave the complexities of a relationship in with all the contradictions and entanglements of words. Writers tend to devote themselves to the beauty of words and forget how dangerous they can be, especially the spoken word. We let things slip too often. The tongue is a consuming fire. But on the other hand, silence can be irreparable. When we need comfort and reassurance, or even just to understand where our partner is at, their indifference or brooding or deceit can break us.

There is some beautiful imagery in here, as well as an undercurrent of oxymoron. Silence says so much, and we don't want to hear any of it. The form is simple, with abcb rhyming and iambic tetrameter rhythm. Although it's a rather hashed structure, it causes the reader to focus more on the message and imagery of the poem. So it works well enough. I enjoyed the powerful sense of conclusion in the last stanza, as if more than just a poem had ended. It also reflects the strong, dark, atmospheric beginning. Altogether, you have a lot to say and you say it well. Ironic. There's also a lesson to be learned: good communication should be one of the highest priorities in a relationship, because it is a fundamental human need. I would rank it up there with love, trust and humour.

I can relate to quite a few of the points you make here, since I have experienced them either first or second hand (i.e. suffering them personally or watching a friend suffer them), so you have a good connection with the reader as well.

*Bullet* Suggestions: The only thing that stood out to me that I didn't really like is the use of "am" twice as one of the rhymes. In the first instance (stanza three) it is rhymed with "man", and this is the only occurrence of feminine (weak) rhyme in the poem. Since the rest of the stanzas contain masculine (strong) rhyme, it seemed inconsistent to me that there would be one feminine rhyme (especially near the beginning, where the voice is so definitive and should continue that way).

The rhythm is pretty good, but there are places where it stumbles a bit. I know it's fairly vague of me to just say so and leave it at that, but I don't want submit you to the regimental horrors of meter mapping, which I treated you to in my last review. *Bigsmile* But it's a useful technique and I recommend you use it again in this poem. (That is, if you are even concerned with the meter.)

*Bullet* Favourite Lines: There are quite a few favourite lines, so bear with me while I flatter you. :-[

They rarely have a voice now
And they flicker and go out *Right* You have a way with sound and light, don't you? I like the imagery in this line. Perfect for what you're trying to say.

You hear, but do not listen
You take but never steal *Right* I was thinking that last line was going to be weak, but it lifted the stanza and gave it a unique twist.

You always say tomorrow
Then tomorrow’s yesterday *Right* Oh, soooo true. *Facepalm*

They never seem important
Yet they’re tearing us apart *Right* Punches home the fact that the smallest things are what amount to the biggest things. Sometimes it's what is most unnoticed that is the most powerful...and devastating. Don't let those little things culminate.

But my words are snowflakes in the air
And they float, then melt away *Right* Another touch of that signature imagery of yours. Very apt.

We love each other terribly
and together we will fall *Right* An interesting note to end on, but I like it. The fact that love can be above words, yet ultimately words can drag it down. You can have love, but without the foundation of reality the fantasy falls down. It's like you are rejoicing in the fantasy and at the same time lamenting the reality. Love it.

*Bullet* Conclusion: It has been a pleasure to pay another visit to your port, and I hope to linger and read more. With every poem, I find another side of you and another piece of evidence pointing at your talent and potential to go far. So keep up the great work, and always write on! *Peno*

~ Fi

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28
28
Review of Waiting  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Antimony I am here with a random review of your poem, "Waiting" , which is offered only as my opinion as a fellow reader and writer. And might I say, welcome to Writing.Com. *Smile* It's an awesome place to be, and I hope you find it as creative and stimulating an environment as many others, including myself, find it.

*Bullet* Impressions:

You have a very vivid way of bringing even the most normal scene to life and giving it special meaning. Choosing which aspects of the scene to describe has carefully created a mood, and the reader, through the poet's eyes, feels almost embarrassed.

I love the interaction with all the different people passing by. This gave it a very real, rounded shape and also made it an interesting context for a relationship in difficulties.

Love, love, love the progression of all the passing people! And the side-play with the spider is strangely mesmerizing. So well done in that department. *Thumbsup* And nice work with the straying thoughts as your mind wanders down different idle avenues (although you could have had more of this), such as in the part with the pigeon and imagining what you could do with it if you picked it up.

It's an interesting side of a relationship to focus on. I can imagine it's a "more give, less take" one. We all experience these and/or see other people experience them, and it sucks. I also get the impression this isn't the first time it has happened to you, and the last line seems to hint at this being the final straw. Or I suppose it could be the first time, and the writer is experiencing that acute disappointment, but something tells me it isn't, that they have been suspicious of their partner's growing disinterest.

And that brings me to the last line. Oh, boy, that was perfect. Such a deflating line, yet at the same time the heart-breaking climax. I loved the culmination of emotions released in those last words. Epic!

*Bullet* Suggestions:

At first the length of the poem made it seem a bit of a drag, and then I realised the irony of it -- the poem is about waiting...waiting for someone who never comes. So the wandering, drawn-out, lazy tone of the poem suits the story perfectly. But ultimately it does feel a little...sloppy. I'm not sure how else to describe it, but being more concise or even working out a meter would help it to move and flow more. Simply, a tighter read is what I'm after.

Also, you could appeal to the senses more, since I couldn't hear, smell and picture the scene. Even one word, placed carefully, can say a lot, i.e. wind or brown tells me it's autumn; young and bright says spring; hot and lazy shows it's summer; bare and broody would be winter.

I was confused by this part and had to stop and reread a few times to get it:

His best friend
And her girlfriend walk past. *Right* Maybe if you wrote "And his girlfriend" it would take away that confusion, even if you do change the sex of his best friend.

Grammar-wise, I found the capitalization at the start of each line distracting, but this is a personal preference. Usually small-caps is a good choice for free verse, since free verse flows more with the words and punctuation, but it's up to you. And the double-spacing makes it all a little too long. If you want a spacious feel, you can create small line gaps by spacing. I recommend 1.2 or 1.5 (here on Writing.Com, 1.4 or 1.6 is good).

*Bullet* Favourite Lines:

There are enough of these! :-[ Let me point out one or two I particularly like:

You don’t know
Which would be worse.
Being ignored or being acknowledged. *Right* I can really relate to this confusing feeling. *Facepalm* Half my life I have been battered with the internal conflict of seeking attention and wanting to be left alone. I wonder if we all have this dilemma, in one way or another?

Only to be faced by his tempestuous
Ex-girlfriend *Right* "tempestuous" is an awesome word to describe someone with. I can just see her, hear her. This is a good example of a one-word-winner. :-[

The only indication...
In the transition...
...is the company you attract. *Right* I "got" this. Just felt it. Nice fade-out.

finally
Coming to terms with the fact
That you’d known right from the beginning. *Right* Oh, don't we all meet that awful moment.

Perhaps he’s not coming after all. *Right* So impacting. A real punch in the guts, even though I can't say I didn't see it coming. *Laugh*

*Bullet* Conclusion:

Thanks for sharing this poem. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work, and always write on! *Penbl*

~ Fi

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29
29
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi The_Cavity has wisdom teeth! I'm here with a random review of your poem, "Before They Hit the Attic " 

*Bullet* Impressions:

Nicely written! I love the introspective tone, the strength and power of your resolution to live life to the ultimate, the fondness of your memories, the admiration and appreciate for your mother and other loved ones. They are all threads of colour and shade woven into an artwork of emotion.

I enjoyed your allusion to Emily Dickinson and her lifestyle, which many of us don't really "get" and couldn't sympathize with.

The free verse style suits it and the lines flow well into each other. Good word choice and imagery, as well. *Thumbsup*

*Bullet* Favourite Lines:

There are some especially stunning lines in here. There were a few that seemed to punch the breath out of my lungs. I love it when poems do that, and it's not often.

I particularly like ~

Will only end as all the best ones do-- *Right* It's so true that bursts of momentary happiness make the more mundane hours seem to drag on forever.

“And would it have been worth it after all
Would it have been worthwhile?” *Right* A haunting question, an excellent phrase. I'm wondering about the quotation marks. Does this indicate that it's a quote from another source, or is it a person or character or the poet herself within the poem asking this?

Which once upon a time somewhere…
Was someone’s something new. *Right* Exquisite play with words! Has an amazing message as well.

Watching my world begin and end
Next to my companionable dictionary
and myself…only myself. *Right* Brings to mind the loneliness of living only with books and self-examination. Friends, enemies, other people, the world -- they all contribute to getting us out of our shells, out of ourselves. These are my favourite lines.

And at least hit my crescendo before I end. *Right* And this would come a close second; "crescendo" is the perfect description, and I love the sentiment behind this line. *Thumbsup* Gets me all teary with a feeling of epic invincibility. *Laugh*

*Bullet* Suggestions:

My only suggestion is to change the "WILL NOT" from capitals to small-caps with italics for emphasis (which I think editors prefer, since it's more professional), i.e. will not.

*Bullet* Conclusion:

Thanks for sharing this gorgeous poem. *Smile* It has been a privilege to read and review, and it's very worthy of its awardicon. Keep up the great work, and always write on.

~ Fi

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review of Death as Dynamite  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Harry I'm here with a random review of your poem, "Death as Dynamite" 

My Impressions:

I like the straightforward, down-to-earth flavour of this poem. You present the facts without much emotion, but there is an underlying sorrow, a philosophical depth of tragedy. Facing death with dignity is one of the only ways humans can live nobly. If we can die without regrets, without fear, without anger, then we die well. We die the way we live.

Metaphor is used well, with the progression of the dynamite stick, and I love the imagery of death being a companion, something that travels with us in our thoughts and dreams and shadows. Death is a very interesting character. We shouldn't forget about him, but we shouldn't obsess over him either. Live to the utmost the most you can, and meet death when it comes.

The only thing that I think could be improved is the rhythm, since at times it became difficult to follow the meter of the poem, causing the flow to be unstable from line to line. Also, I found the repetition of "its" and "it's" distracting, although I'm not sure if that can be helped.

Favourite Lines:
From birth, death is a constant companion, *Right* I think this is the core, or founding idea, of your poem, and its placement at the beginning causes the reader to contemplate it as the poem continues.

to forget our journey ends in its blind canyon. *Right* Beautiful imagery. A lot of pictures and feelings came into my mind at this point.

Conclusion:
Thanks for sharing this poem. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

Write on! *Penbl*

Fi

"I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right." - Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

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31
31
Review of The Sun Also Sets  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Reading* Greetings, ♥Hooves♥ *Penbl*

I am here with a review of your story, "The Sun Also Sets" , as part of the package you won in "Invalid Item"  *Info* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

Narrated in first person POV, a bull called Hooves goes back in time with his human master to meet Hemingway, and after winning Hemingway's sympathy changes the course of literary history by affecting the writer's view of bulls and the bullfighting culture of Spain.

I like the title's allusion to "The Sun Also Rises", by Ernest Hemingway, and the Spanish phrases. This gave it a fan-fiction tone and made it seem more closely connected to Hemingway and his works.

I enjoyed the jokes and found myself looking for the pun in "moseying": "mooseying". *Laugh*

I like the light, fluffy tone of this piece and I could almost see it as a children's book. It has potential and I think if you worked on it some more then you could bring it up to quite a good standard.

*Buttonforward* Plot: *Film*

There's a lot of telling in this story, and I guess it's all right as a style, but as a reader I didn't feel involved. Nothing much happens and when you have a plot like this, you need to make up for it with humour and style. I'd like to read some of Hooves' observations of the bull-fighting world and the status of bulls in Spain, especially at that time, with the height of fame and glory of the toreros. Instead of telling this story, you could show it by taking the reader through it with you, like an adventure.

*People* Characters: *Nuclear*

Hooves seems like a simple but lovable bull. I liked him joking around with, "I snorted in a fine, noble, and inspiring way" and "I nodded to him in a noble, fine way, with a touch of tragedy."

I never even got to meet Hooves' "human". I would love to see a human through the eyes of a bull.

*House* Setting: *Key*

Spain is an exotic setting and if you set your mind to it you could milk it for all it's worth. :-[ At the moment, it's sort of brushed over. The time machine and then the restaurant are only briefly alluded to and I never felt immersed in the scene with Hooves as I would have liked to.

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

Your grammar is good. I only noticed two errors:

She, who must be listened to, (my human) saw a movie called, "Midnight in Paris." *Right* This should be: She, who must be listened to, (my human), saw a movie called, "Midnight in Paris." or She who must be listened to (my human) saw a movie called, "Midnight in Paris."

com padres *Right* Should be compadres.

Technically this piece isn't Steampunk. "Steampunk is a subgenre of science fiction and fantasy that typically features steam-powered machinery, especially in a setting inspired by industrialized Western civilization during the 19th century. Steampunk works are often set in an alternative history of the 19th century's British Victorian era or American 'Wild West', in a post-apocalyptic future during which steam power has regained mainstream use, or in a fantasy world that similarly employs steam power."

Although I could see why you wanted to put it in this genre, with the time machine, it's still set in the 20th century and is more like historical fiction with a sci-fi/fantasy element. So unless you want to knock it back a century and introduce some steam-powered fantasy awesomeness, I recommend you change the genre accordingly. :-[

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

I got a smile out of reading this and it has been fun to review. *Smile* Thanks for bidding on my package. I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work!

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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32
32
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading* Greetings, Holy Hot Pocket! *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "The Horseman: A Slam Poem"  *Info* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion, offered in respect for your work with the aim of providing useful feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* General Impressions: *Bookopen*

As a fan of slam poetry, your brief description met my eye (I'm subscribed to ButtonPoetry on YouTube ~ if you haven't heard of them, I recommend you look them up). I know that slam poetry loses some of its edge when it's put down on paper, but this poem was so well written that I could hear the voice, very clearly, in my head. And I've never had that before.

The subject is absolutely riveting and I loved how the tempo increased, the crescendo propelled me forward, and I just couldn't stop. With vivid imagery, catchy imagery and clever phrases, as well as a personal, intellectual and emotional appeal, this poem is a perfect example of a slam poem. I would love to hear you read it out loud (upload it on YouTube and send me the link!).

This mysterious Horseman is a powerful metaphor for something, but what that something is eludes my grasp. I get the message of the poem, though, and sometimes it's better left without being dissected. In this Horseman you personify passion, thrill, temptation, dreams, lies, greed, broken relationships, mistrust, memory, pride, death...life.

A few lines are particularly delicious, the way they use that progressive imagery characteristic of slam poetry. Favourites are:

Your feet will hurt, but not as much as the villages you burned on your way.

You can shut the door
In your cottage by the sea,
That you bought with stolen memories.

And of course I love the last line as well. *Smile*

*Type* Suggestions: *Thought2*

I have two suggestions, one concerning the overall shape and the second just a wee typo.

...put you pride to the gallows *Right* I think "you" should be "your".

I'm not so sure about where the climax is. Slam poems usually have a build up and then a dying-away resolution that punches home their main point. I like the way it dies away, but the fade seems too long, with too much emphasis on each short stanza instead of on the last line, where you nail home your point. Of course, this may simply be the transliteration of mouth to pen. Just make sure you are certain about where you are placing your climax and resolution/main point.

*Graph* Conclusion: *Hotair*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, and I hope you find my feedback useful. Keep up the great work! *Quill*

*Peace2* Fi

*Earth* Write On! *Peace*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of Hope Defiant  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Vignette6* Greetings, Angels in my Ear *Vignette6*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Hope Defiant" , as part of your shower from "Invalid Item"  *Rain* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion, offered in respect for your work with the aim of providing useful feedback. *Smile*

*Thinker* General Impressions: *Thought2*

What a beautiful and heart-warming poem, Aundria! *Delight* Deserving of its award and selection for publication and Quills nomination. *Starbl*

I love the metaphor of hope being a sure foundation, a refuge, an oasis, a calm in the midst of the storm. Its message is very true, and one that we -- cynical, introverted, depressed humans that we are -- need to hear more often, that there is always hope, even when it is out of sight. We just have to reach out in faith and find the determination to carry on no matter what.

The image is surreal and breath-taking, and suits the poem perfectly. Your wording is exquisite, with such taste in the layout and rhythms and subtle forms (i.e. using the same first word in the first three lines of the first two stanzas), and I don't know why but some of your rhymes really hit the spot with me. Maybe because the rhythm is so smooth and almost completely flawless. Whatever it was, you left me deeply stirred and sensationally inspired.

I like the wordplay on the word "lost" in the sixth stanza,

My favourite lines (do I really have to choose?!) are:

When the endless night is closing in
And the waves come crashing by

and

By the whims of a petulant sea
No help against the endless tide

And the last stanza is wonderful. A firm and uncompromising ending.

*Type* Suggestions: *Pen*

I missed the punctuation. Although I can understand why you wouldn't want it, since this is a long poem I think it's important to place even some punctuation to make the sentence structure clearer and to help it flow easily for the reader.

Its in the darkest places *Right* "Its" (possessive pronoun, meaning "belonging to it") should be "It's" (contraction for "it is").

Stand fast, keep holding on.. *Right* Add an extra period to your ellipsis, i.e. ...

*Bookopen* Conclusion: *Bookstack*

Once more it has been a pleasure to visit your port and browse your work. This poem is a real winner, and I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Keep up the great work!

Peace,
*Peace2* Fi

*Umbrella* Write On! *Umbrella*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review of Blood Song  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Vignette6* Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon *Vignette6*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Blood Song" , as part of your shower from "Invalid Item"  *Rain* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion, offered in respect for your work with the aim of providing useful feedback. *Smile*

*Thinker* General Impressions: *Thought2*

Having only discovered the Australian Sonnet recently myself, it was a delight to come across another poem written in this form and compare notes. I like this form, as it allows enough room to play around in. In this poem, you tell enough of a story to intimidate me yet you leave enough blank spaces to keep me guessing, which appeals.

Although I haven't (yet) met one myself, the Wolfman (or werewolf) seems to be a rather nasty creature, transforming from a hairy man into a hairy beast at night and eating anyone or anything it comes across -- and you pay tribute to it in these gory verses, as he stalks through the darkness on his quest of destruction.

The tone of the poem is dark, although not as intense as it could have been. I didn't feel suspense as much as I revelled in the details you fleshed out. I enjoyed the feeling of creeping along in the Wolfman's wake and seeing the terror and havoc he wreaks. The descriptions almost let me see him clearly -- maybe there wasn't space to mention fur and teeth? :-[

Your rhymes are smooth yet not too cliche; I like the originality of "transforms" and "norms" and "emerge" and "surge".

My favourite line is the last line of the third stanza, They are not victim – they are prey. Chilling, spine-tingling stuff, and kinda profound as well. :-[

*Type* Suggestions: *Pen*

Your requirements contain oxymoron as the convention, but I couldn't quite find it. Is it "joyous horror"? Maybe you could make it a little stronger and more obvious.

Yes, there are some metrical issues. :-[ (Oh yes, trust me to pick on you like this! *Laugh*) You have chosen pentameter, so let's work with that.

As wolfsbane blooms ‘neath the full moon, *Right* Here the emphasis falls on "the", which is orally unnatural. Also, could you use a better word than "blooms"? If you want to make this line rhythmically flawless, I'm afraid you might have to sacrifice a word: As wolfsbane blooms beneath the moon or As wolfsbane hunts beneath full moon.

it’s message writ like some dark rune. *Right* "it's" (contraction for "it is") should be "its" (possessive pronoun meaning "belonging to it").

the eyes grow sharp, the claws emerge *Right* I wonder if you could use the syllables currently occupied by "the"s for something more descriptive, i.e. green eyes grow sharp, long claws emerge. Just a thought.

Pure instinct now leads him away *Right* Although the syllable count is right, I still tripped on this line and struggled to figure out where to place my emphases. The only thing I could think of would be to swap "pure" and "now": Now instinct pure leads him away.

The night sky fades to shades of red *Right* You've already said "night". Why not take advantage of another word? The black sky fades to shades of red, or replace the stagnant "the" with something else: Above, black fades to to shades of red.

in tribute to those who lay dead. *Right* Shouldn't "lay" be "lie", since the poem is in present tense? And maybe you could fix the awkward stress on "who" like this: in tribute to those lying dead.

*Bookopen* Conclusion: *Bookstack*

It's great to return to your port and revitalize myself in your masterful poetry. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work, mate! *Thumbsup*

Peace,
*Peace2* Fi

*Umbrella* Write On! *Umbrella*

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35
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm back, with another review and this time of your poem, "The Circus Church of Today " , as part of your shower from "Invalid Item"  *Rain* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion, offered in respect for your work with the aim of providing useful feedback. *Smile*

*Thinker* General Impressions: *Thought2*

Oh, so very true! I knew I could count on you for a good message and a creative poem, and I have been rewarded. You nailed some things in this one, and I totally agree with everything you say in this tongue-in-cheek lament of the modern church. We are losing (or perhaps have already lost) the simple gospel truth: believe in Jesus, confess your sins and follow Him. It's nothing to do with money or praying a prayer or being relevant to today's youth. The fellowship of believers each Sunday is not to be a performance, a contest of being the most "spiritually alive" or the most self-righteous.

I love the satirical voice, the metaphor of a circus and the different aspects of "church" that have become false and hypocritical to the point of ridiculous. It is a tragedy, our the West's greatest, and sometimes it seems irrecoverable what we have destroyed in our arrogance, greed and commercialisation of what cannot possibly be commercialised.

But out in the backwaters, some small country churches do exist with all the purity and sincerity of Christ's one church. I am blessed to be part of one such church family, and trust me -- I thank God for it every time I step through the doors.

Ooh, and that last line! *Laugh* What a winner! You point out, like a great swooping bow at the end of a performance, how self-contradictory this supposed "church" is: a church from hell.

*Type* Suggestions: *Pen*

I have no suggestions to make. *Smile* Grammatically sound and a pleasure to read.

*Bookopen* Conclusion: *Bookstack*

Again I have been privileged to read your work, and I'm glad this one won 1st Place in a contest (an old favourite of mine, "A Poem A Day", and sorely missed. RIP, Itchy Water~fictionandverse *Angel*). Keep writing poetry, because you have talent! *Smile*

Fi

*Umbrella* Write On! *Umbrella*

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Review of Superhuman  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* Greetings, Angels in my Ear *Penbl* I am here with a review of your poem, "Superhuman" , as part of the package you won in "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work, with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: I like it how sound and light merge in this poem to create an expansive experience for the senses, while at the same time you provoke the reader's mind to deeper thought. The details of the scene that you share reflect a message of how diversity can come together in unity and create something great. I could relate to what you were saying, as I have often experienced what it's like to be in a group or team or crowd, in friendship or for a purpose, for entertainment or education, and I enjoy the togetherness and spirit of a close group setting.

Overall, I see a poem of angles ~ including things like sound, light, music, vision, diversity and unity. The message is clear and original and rings true, that in order to find the superhuman-ness we idolize in our fictional superheroes, we must become superhuman by transforming ourselves into something more than human ~ by becoming plural: humans.

*Gears* Content & Conventions: I hadn't thought of it this way, but now that you put it into words it makes sense. Unity makes us great. Music gives us a voice. If we can come together with one, just one, thing in common, then the world is a better place. It's an interesting and uplifting message.

*Film* Motion & Emotion: I think I have already covered everything concerning emotion. *Smile* I felt what you were saying, and the poem moves well, lines flowing with the stanzas. Although in the structure department, I'm not so sure. The abcb form seems slightly...clunky, and I feel like you could do so much more with the poem if you expanded into a less conventional structure. It's an artistic interpretation, I suppose, but I feel like each stanza needs an extra line or two, like an echo or a wider space to play with more unique or rousing words. Your ideas are well developed and I wouldn't change anything in the current body of the poem, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend adding. Think echoes. Vibrancy. I mean, what if, for instance, you tried something like this:

Immersed in waves of power,
Surrounded by noise and light,
Rhythms pulsating,
Spotlights undulating
I no longer feel invisible,
I sing with the crowd, I unite.

It's not amazing, I know, and of course you could come up with something much better and fitting the voice of the poem, but I'm trying to give you an idea of what I'm saying. Have a think about it and don't be afraid to experiment a little. *Smile*

*Nuclear* Quirks & Qualities: My favourite stanza is the second one, especially with the line, "I feel greatness in the air". And I like the last line as well. Little pockets of perfection. *Thumbsup*

*Idea* Suggestions: Apart from what I mentioned before about expanding, the only suggestion I have is (yeah, kinda predictable *Laugh*): the rhythm is a little iffy in places and it wouldn't hurt to run over it a few times with your editing pen, marking where you want the stresses to land and adding or removing syllables wherever required.

*Key* Conclusion: Well, it has been fun, interesting and inspiring reading and appraising your work. I hope you've found my feedback helpful. I'm glad I got this opportunity to spend time in the portfolio of one of my favourite WdCers. Once again your pen has reassured me of your poetic merits. :-[ And I have a wee not-so-surprise on its way, but equally-well-deserved. :-[ Keep up the fabulous work, Aundria! *Starb*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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Review of Home  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Greetings, paris girl 80 *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to Writing.Com from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Home"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall Impressions: *Bookopen*

Nice! I like the ideas, message and personal interpretation you portray in this short but thought-provoking poem. The last line is a sweet way of ending. There is no home without love. I am reminded of the poem "Home And Love" by Robert William Service:



Just Home and Love! it's hard to guess

Which of the two were best to gain;

Home without Love is bitterness;

Love without Home is often pain.

No! each alone will seldom do;

Somehow they travel hand and glove:

If you win one you must have two,

Both Home and Love.

I can relate to your sentiments, having always wanted to travel myself but also understanding the importance of family and roots and home. It's the people that matter. I am passionate about art and history, and I love landscapes, and there would be so much variety in travel! *Delight*

I'd love to know more about why travel appeals to you and where you would go if you did take off. Some specific descriptions to elaborate on this would certainly flesh out the poem ~ what you want to see and do, who you want to meet. Also, don't be afraid to play around with words and conventions (i.e. simile, personification, assonance) and toss in a couple of phrases that spice up the vocab. *Smile*

You're off to a great start. You have the foundation of your poem and I know that with some attention from the editing pen it will shine. *Thumbsup*

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

One thing that could do with a little strengthening is...you guessed it, the rhythm. :-[ With a more metrical drive, the poem will become exciting and fun to read. It's the difference between a "meh" or a "wow" reaction from the reader.

On the more subtle side, I think you could make the poem stirring if you took some liberties with words and sentence structure. I want to feel that free spirit you talk about. You can do this by rearranging the sentence shapes so they're not so similar (i.e. many starting with "I").

Here's how I would sharpen up the poem (this, of course, is entirely my opinion and I don't expect you to take all or any of these suggestions, but you are welcome to pick and choose what you like):

I haven't been many places *Right* Place "to" after "been".

I've seen lots of different faces *Right* The rhythm could be improved by replace "lots" with "a lot".

It scares me that people stay in one place their whole lives *Right* It scares me how long this line is! *Laugh* I'm not sure how to shorten it without detracting from the meaning or causing an upheaval in the whole stanza, but you could consider something like: It scares me that people settle.

I plan to fly free like a bird *Right* To avoid repetition of the word "plan" (which you used in the first stanza) and to evoke a clearer sense of adventure, consider replacing "plan" with "long".

Travelling keeps the soul alive *Right* Personally, I think you could have a lot more fun with this line (and the whole poem) with more drama. Why not drop in something passionate, like: Travelling ignites the soul or Travelling pours life into the soul. Something a little metaphorical, so the poem isn't so plain. :-[

I'm going to see the world. *Right* I like it, but I don't. *Pthb* It's decisive but there's also a ring of childishness. Why not inspire the reader? Punch home a point. Leave a mark. Make this resolution memorable.

Something I am sure of *Right* I'm sure the rhythm would work better if "sure" was replaced with "certain". *Wink*

But no place will be home without love. *Right* The verb tense feels unnatural. Try: But no place is home without love or But no place would be home without love.

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community! I'm glad I came across this poem, and I hope you find this review helpful. May you enjoy your time here at Writing.Com as much as many others (including myself) have. It's certainly a creative and inspiring environment for writers. Keep up the great work. *Pen*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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Review of My granny  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Greetings, nehars *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to Writing.Com from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "My granny"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall Impressions: *Bookopen*

What a sweet and endearing tribute to your grandmother! *Delight* This has all the charm of sincerity, and I can tell you have a good relationship with her. I love it how you talk about a few of the things that make her special. She sounds like a kindly and interesting lady, and I bet she loved this poem (I hope you gave it to her?). Although the poem is brief, I feel like I know her already.

The form works well, with the AABB etc. rhyme scheme, and the rhythm comes through strongly in places. My favourite line is When hugs me tight, I forget all my tension. It must be wonderful to have that understanding, support and comfort in your grandmother. *Smile*

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

I'm wondering if English isn't your first language? Some of the grammar is confusing, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. Here are some suggestions:

My granny on her face has a number of layer *Right* "layer" should be plural, "layers". Layers of what, I wonder? *Wink* Wrinkles? Memories? Wisdom?

With very dim eyes, on head very few hair *Right* You need to add a possessive pronoun before "head" (to indicate whose head it is), and "few" should be "little". The line would make more sense if it looked like this: With very dim eyes, on her head little hair.

Wears simplest clothes still looks very fine *Right* Instead of "very", which is starting to get repetitive, you could use more adjectives to describe your granny, i.e. She wears simple clothes yet still looks so fine.

In her dim eyes I see always a shine *Right* You have already used the word "dim" to describe her eyes. Maybe you could take this opportunity to be more descriptive, i.e. In those aging eyes I see always a happy shine.

When I reach and tell her what went best *Right* Although I get what you're trying to say, it isn't as clear as it could be. Consider adjusting this line to something like: When I come to talk with her, she's the best or When I come to talk about my day and what went best.

She treats me with love as a special chief guest *Right* And here there are too many adjectives. :-[ Choosing the one you prefer can help, i.e. She treats me like a special guest.

When hugs me tight, I forget all my tension *Right* Add "she" after "When", i.e. When she hugs me tight, I forget all my tension

Listens with interest with complete full attention *Right* This line would run smoother if it read, As she listens and gives me full attention

When far from her, towards her I feel a strong pull *Right* Hmm...this line feels backwards. Maybe it would read better like this: When far away, in her direction I feel a strong pull

My granny, my dearest darling and the most beautiful *Right* I don't want to restructure this line for fear of losing the sentiment (it's lovely *Happycry*), but for the sake of grammar you could try: My granny is my dearest darling, and most beautiful or My granny is, of all, the dearest and most beautiful.

Also, my last suggestion: you have put the poem in the genres Emotional, Educational, and Children's. I thought more fitting categories would be Family, Relationship and Personal. Just a small thing, and it's up to you to decide. *Smile*

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community! I'm glad I came across this poem, and I hope you find this review helpful. May you enjoy your time here at Writing.Com as much as many others have. It's certainly a creative and inspiring environment for aspiring writers. Keep up the great work. *Pen*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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Review of Violet Eyes  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Greetings, shadowghost *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to Writing.Com from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Violet Eyes"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall Impressions: *Bookopen*

I like the progression and form of this poem, as you gradually lead the reader deeper into this fantasy world, revealing glimpses of magic behind nature's ordinary sights. The first stanza was confusing for me, especially with the line "that ears don't see", as I couldn't make the connection between the images and what you were trying to portray. However, things got easier after that and I enjoyed the imagery and the sense of travelling. Some of the words and phrases you use are simply delicious (i.e. "sacred streams", "in lands uncharted / dim and deep"). My favourite stanza is the seventh, with its clever phrasing and allusion. And I like the overall ambiguity of the piece. Nice work!

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

I think a more definitive start would help introduce the reader and allure us into your world. Although I like the mystery and how it arouses curiosity, it came across a little too strong, as if you were trying to confuse the reader instead of get us curious. Just my suggestion. Of course it's up to you if and what you change. *Smile*

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community! I'm glad I came across this poem, and I hope you find this review helpful. May you enjoy your time here at Writing.Com as much as many others (including myself) have. It's certainly a creative and inspiring environment for writers. Keep up the great work. *Pen*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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40
Review of The Bay  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* Greetings, whitleenew *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to Writing.Com from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "The Bay"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall Impressions: *Bookopen*

For a haiku, I love it. It's short, but wow, that last line got me! *Delight* Really punchy, and reading it for the second time I could see the scene a little clearer and sense more strongly the emotions of the writer. The title and brief description set it up perfectly -- enough, but not too much -- so I knew what it was about, but still wasn't sure what to expect (I was surprised how short it appeared, but even so, it was a great read and a rewarding experience).

I find it interesting that haiku are usually used to display nature or fragments of a scene but you chose instead to represent emotions. It works well, and although I would love to hear more of this story, I think it's great as it is. Nice effect, playing on the word "sinking". I love it! *Thumbsup*

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

The only thing I'm not so sure about is the repetition of "my". With so few lines to work with, you should avoid repeating words as much as possible. Maybe in one of the occurrences of "my" you could use "this" or "these" instead? Only a suggestion. Of course it's up to you, but that's just what I noticed when I was reading.

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community! I hope you enjoy your time here at Writing.Com as much as I have. It's certainly a creative and inspiring environment for writers. Keep up the great work. *Pen*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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41
Review of Memory's Doorway  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *Shock* Dare To Review Raid! *Cat*!

*Reading* Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon *Penbl*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Memory's Doorway" , as part of the package Ren the Klutz! gifted you from Round 1 of "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"  (sorry, this is way overdue! *Blush* I've had it in my "drafts" pile for a while...there's a reason why I hate that "Store Draft" button! *Laugh*). *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

I remember reading this poem when I was judging "Invalid Item"  and giving it a high rating. It's great to return and reevaluate it.

There's nothing startling about this poem, but it's not supposed to be startling. It's a dim walk down memory lane, a kind of nostalgic gaze into the past. It tells a story in itself, of the sadder side of Christmas when you look back at all the Christmases gone by and all the people and good times you've left behind. That's when you regret how far you've drifted from the anchor of youth.

What exactly you're reminiscing isn't adamantly clear, and I like it that way. The lines "no doubt / that he was real" imply childhood, when Christmas meant so much because you believed in Santa Claus. Then when you lost faith in Santa Claus, you lost faith in Christmas. But the poem also seems to reach deeper, and I can't help feeling like I'm reading about a broken marriage or a family that has separated. Maybe you are thinking of the times when you and your wife put out cookies for Saint Nick, and watching the children in the morning as they unwrap their presents with so much eagerness and delight, never questioning the existence of a Santa Claus.

It reminds me of how important it is to nurture children's imagination, because all too soon they grow up into cynical and callous adults. Maybe encouraging them to believe in Santa Claus, etc., will not only give them good memories to look back on when they're older and wiser but also to keep a little tender part of their inner child inside them.

*Mic* Devices & Content: *Fan*

The underlying tone, the imagery and the sonnet form all effectively work together to create a memorable message. One which, in keeping with itself, I will no doubt soon forget. *Smirk* *Laugh*

*Buttonforward* Emotion & Flow: *Film*

Emotion is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. The words are chosen well, the rhymes slot together nicely and the lines are clean

No harm in working through the rhythm a little. It was mostly consistent, except in the third stanza and the final couplet. (More suggestions below.)

*Nuclear* Qualities: *Key*

I love the last line! It's a tragic note to end on, and I could relate to the sensation of things that once were so real and in-the-now becoming just a fragment of fading memory.

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

I like this poem as it is, and wouldn't change much content-wise. My suggestions involve the boring aspect of grammar:

The dancing blinking lights help me recall *Right* Place a comma after "dancing", since it is followed by another verb.

A cookie and glass of milk left out *Right* Place "a" before "glass" to stick with the iambic tetrameter requirement and meet the demands of the rhythm. :-[

...along the way;
In morning light, *Right* I was confused about the semicolon and the capitalisation of "In". I think "In" should be "in", or replace the semicolon with a full stop.

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

That's it from me for now! :-[ Thanks for sharing and allowing me to R&R this piece. Keep up the great work. *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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42
42
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"  with your poem, "Best Rising of The Sun"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

Wow, LG! I'm impressed. This poem has some incredible imagery and it is a beautiful and emotional approach to love. I love it how you describe the different sunrises you have seen, giving it a travel tone, and the moods that each sunrise conveys. Then the second part of the poem, as you describe your favourite sunrise, it feels like you've come home and slipped, tired and content, into your lover's arms.

The personification is lovely, portraying the sun as a king or warrior, a bride and a child. I particularly like the line, when it plays like a child with the waves of the ocean. This painted a vivid picture to me, in a way I hadn't thought of before, and totally unique.

*Idea* Suggestions: *Gears*

I think the title should be "Best Rising Of The Sun", to make sense grammatically.

when it opens its eyes and rages its fire in the desert Many uses of "its". I think, for the sake of trimming down on the repetition, you could replace "rages its fire" with "rages with fire" or "rages fire".

The last line is quite long and may flow more naturally if it is split into two lines. There are three uses of the word "the", and I'm wondering if you could trim these down to make it less awkward/stilted. "Lights us" is a weak ending; I feel like it would be improved if you added a stronger word, such as "lights us up". Overall, what about something like this:
and from beyond the distant curtain
the sun's red shadow lights us up.

*Checkerboard* Conclusion: *Moon*

That's all for now. I've enjoyed reading and reviewing this sweet and evocative poem. Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest. *Smile*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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43
43
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloonb* Greetings, 💙 Carly *Balloonv*

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"  with your poem, "In All Our Endeavours We Do Seek"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

I like this simple and down-to-earth yet gently inspirational account of life and how you interpret its meaning. We are all searchers. We all seek something beyond ourselves, beyond this world. And some of us find it, while others search until they die.

There is plenty of food for thought in these atmospheric and even slightly affirmative lines. I like the tone of ambiguity that contrasts with the structure, a reflection of how life consists of facts and atoms and science, but also spirit and emotion and reasoning.

I misread the first line as Life does not move in explicit ways and I loved it! Unfortunately that isn't what you wrote, since I'd totally agree, but that's fine. As it is, I think you should consider rephrasing it to Life moves in explicit ways so it is clearer to read.

I also suggest reworking the rhythm and removing "do" from the refrain. It seems an unnecessary word to modify something that doesn't need modifying. Otherwise, I have no other suggestions.

My favourite lines are:

Life plays out upon all mankind
Not forgiving, nor is it blind

I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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44
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Review of Autumn Interlude  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Bullet* Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon *Bullet*

I'm here with a review of your poem, "Autumn Interlude" , which I found among today's entries in "Invalid Item"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Bullet* General Impressions: *Bullet*

A beautiful picture of an autumn sunset, both metaphors of something ending, fading, dying. My favourite aspect of this poem is its repetition. You have chosen the perfect words to create that rhythmic, haunting effect, and the lines fit easily into the meter's syllable count. No wonder they say you can't write anything except structured poetry -- it would be like the sun trying to disguise itself as a star. You are indeed a master of the poetic form. :-[

Beautiful imagery, poignant and atmospheric emotional pull and a pulse and drive that makes it feel...inevitable. One can't evade the feeling of sorrow and farewell with the arrival of autumn and the approach of winter. Depressing to even the most optimistic, I think. You capture this well, and I like your use of colours to create ideas.

*Bullet* Favourite Lines: *Bullet*

My favourite lines are the first two of the first stanza -- they succeeded in setting tone and emotion, and I felt every tremour of their sad voices. I also love the last line of each stanza.

*Bullet* Suggestions: *Bullet*

"summer has past" should be "summer has passed" (I'm sure you know that "past" is the noun and "passed" is the verb. Just a typo.)

"good-bye" does not need to be hyphenated, since it is considered one word, i.e. "goodbye".

"branches" is repeated twice within a confined space. Perhaps you could use a different word in the second instance.

Although the syllable count is pretty much flawless, there are some places where the stresses fall unnaturally, i.e. as it falls under winter's spell (emphasis is on "it"). Perhaps you could alter it to something like, while falling under winter's spell. This way the emphasis would be on a more prominent word, and therefore following the natural flow of speech.

*Bullet* Conclusion: *Bullet*

An excellent poem with a good interpretation of the prompt -- the required words slotted in gracefully. I like how compact it is, and the form is very appealing. Fantastic coordination between construction and content.

Good luck in the contest, and keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Bullet* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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Review of Heaven of freedom  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloonb* Greetings, jaya *Balloonv*

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"  with your poem, "Heaven of freedom"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

Lovely! This poem got better as it went along. At the beginning it felt a little fragmented, with the mid-sentence line drops, but I soon warmed into it and the ideas flowed together more easily in the third and fourth stanzas.

Nice imagery, and I like what you have to say, especially the spiritual theme that comes through at the end. The definition of freedom is acting "with sense and truth" and by following "the Supreme Master...and none other". I agree 100%, and it's an inspiring and thought-provoking perspective.

Another thing I like about this poem is how it feels like one whole sentence (although, in fact, there are two sentences).

My only suggestion is concerning a grammar error: "fellowmen" isn't a word. I think it should be "fellow men".

Thanks for sharing this poem! I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and wish you the best of luck in the contest. Keep up the great work!

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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46
46
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Bullet* Greetings, Rhyssa *Bullet*

I am here with a review of your poem, "poetic particles of dust: a ballade" , which I found through "Invalid Item"  Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Bullet* General Impressions: *Bullet*

Very nice, Rhyssa! This is exactly how I feel at times, when inspiration leaves me exhausted and dismayed after giving a poem my best shot, only to discover it is nothing to what I had envisioned. Alas, the muse is unreliable. So let us turn instead to our own will and self-discipline.

I love your structure. The rhymes fit so naturally together and it flows freely, but at the same time with a hesitant tone in the voice of the writer that suits the message of the poem. The repeated refrain (a perfect use of the prompt) is effective and evocative, and the required words are slotted neatly into the text, used perfectly to create beautiful images.

My only suggestion is to capitalize the (first letter of the) first word of each sentence or stanza to make it grammatically sound. I like this style of small-caps and lack of punctuation, and it generally suits your poetry, but it takes a certain type of poem (i.e. without punctuation to place the emphasis on the words themselves and how they flow together naturally) and I'm not sure if this is it. And hey, since you almost unvaryingly use this technique in your poems, what harm is there in a bit of change? :-[ I think it would improve this work (but that's just my opinion, of course *Wink*).

There are a few gems in here, and I particularly like the following lines:

a wreck of words, all disarrayed *Right* "wreck" and "disarrayed" are a nice combination, and it's true that sometimes there is beauty in confusion.

my ink is bleeding out. I fade *Right* Bleeding ink isn't a new idea, but somehow you mould it perfectly to the standard of your poem. Reminds me of an Imagine Dragons song. :-[

please sweep me up—a pile made
of poetic particles of dust. *Right* These two are probably the best of all for me. This plea for someone to gently stoop, pick you up and put you to rest is sweet, simple and haunting. Powerful.

my breath, my blood, my faded heart *Right* Repetition of the word "fade", for the second time in the poem, but I hardly noticed. And it works. Breath, blood, heart. A person's essence.

Thanks for sharing, and best of luck in the contest. I've enjoyed reading and reviewing this one, and look forward to exploring more of your work. Keep it up!

*Bullet* Fi

*Bullet* Write On! *Bullet*

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Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"  with your poem, "Freedom Is Not Mine Yet" *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

I like structured free verse, so the layout of this poem appealed to me with its five-line stanzas, tight phrase-connections and repeated refrain. I think the highlight of the piece, its focus, is the progression – the process of dreaming of freedom, then seeing it, then fighting for it, then finding it.

You apply the metaphor of the prompt to your own personal experiences with family and tradition, and how you have felt shackled by their expectations. I think many readers can relate to this in one way or another. All humans love to press their opinions, standards and censure on other people to make themselves feel good. It's a kind of pathetic self-protection, but I can't deny that I have it myself (and I'm sure that you can't either).

I like it how you use specific examples of ways you found "freedom" from feeling indebted or owing something to your family and society, such as earning your own money and reputation and having your own house. You create a statement of growing independence. Freedom is not something that can be just grabbed. It involves work and development, growth and care. Breaking away from your past and becoming your own person.

Nice imagery, with gilded cages, green grasslands and fluttering wings. My favourite lines are:

Wisps of their wishes dictated my future

and

but then I learned to flutter those wings,
little by little, inch by inch.

My only issue with the poem is that some of the lines are awkward, as if the words are controlling you instead of vice versa, for instance I didn't quite understand but a flight was borne ("borne" is the past participle of "bear", meaning "carried or transported by the thing specified"). Did you mean "born" (and in that case it's a repetition or reflection of the first stanza's final line)?

Also, in the first line, "bounded" should be "bound" ("bounded" is the past participle of "bound" and means "walked or ran with leaping strides" -- I think you mean "bound", the past participle of "bind", "to tie or fasten (something) tightly together").

That's all for me. Thanks for sharing this piece. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your work and hope you find my comments helpful. Write on! *Quill*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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48
48
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Balloonb* Greetings, 💙 Carly *Balloonv*

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"  with your poem, "Freedom Has A Cost"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

Fits the prompt well with the bird and the open cage as an analogy for freedom. The poem is in free verse and uses metaphor and alliteration to build on its theme. I love the alliteration of "rough, raw razors rip" and the repetition of the phrase "gone is the". It's neat seeing all the different interpretations of the prompt, and whereas many of the other entries went for the inspirational theme of finding freedom you chose another path into the Dark genre, with a message almost of Catch-22.

I enjoyed the imagery, especially the colours in the middle lines, but I would like to see more unique and interesting wording and a deeper and clearer message. I came away uncertain about what the price of freedom is. I want to know more. I understand that freedom's cost is the sacrifice of those who are willing to protect and uphold it, but you seem to be looking at it from a different angle, something I couldn't quite grasp. You imply that freedom's cost is danger. Is that it? That when the bird flies free, it faces "razor" skies and impenetrable fogs, as well as losing its singing voice for a ragged caw. You also mention "the past". Perhaps you are saying that regrets and mistakes overshadow the enjoyment of today's choices and the future's promises.

I think you're off to a great start, and a few extra lines with some more of that beautiful imagery would bring this poem up to its full potential. *Smile* Great work, so keep it up! *Thumbsup* And good luck in the contest. :-[

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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49
49
Review of MY CHANGING LIFE  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloonb* Greetings, human *Balloonv*

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item"  with your poem, "MY CHANGING LIFE"  *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion. *Smile*

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

Here you express your observations of how life changes and how we grow and lose our innocence, being forced to adapt to the environment and society around us (often against our will). The world never turns out the way we expected it to be when we were young. It's sad, but true. You comfort yourself with the reassurance that you'll keep doing your best. I like it how you don't rely on outside circumstances to shape who you are. It's a quiet resolution to make your own choices, to adjust yourself and go with the flow. Sink or swim.

I like the metaphor of a flowing river and learning to swim and go with the flow. I also enjoyed the rythm and rhyme of the piece, but I recommend some work on grammar and punctuation. For example, there are too many ellipses, which detracts from the wording and emotion of the overall body of work.

Below I have enclosed a line-by-line edit. You don't have to edit your piece exactly this way, but this is just an example of how it could be improved (hover mouse over each line to read my notes):

My Changing Life
         
Life changes, and changes very fast
From small tributary to a river vast.

From an innocent and good world to a reality check,
Questioning, demanding of you in every wreck.

Decision-making lies in your hands, light and dark;
One delicate decision and you have embarked.

It casually grips the mode of serious working,
Making life a mixed bag of responsibilities and worrying.

But as life goes on, as things come and go,
Either it flows against you or you must glow

I'm trying to flow with it and make adjustments,
It's not always a smooth ride, but I'm making amendments.

I hope this helps. Please remember that these are my personal adjustments and it's up to you to edit your poem, taking or leaving anything I say here.

Thank you for sharing your work with the community and for entering the contest. *Smile* I wish you the best of luck. *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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50
50
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloonb* Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon *Balloonv*

I discovered your poem, "The Artist's Touch" , when I noticed it on the list of winners at "Verdant Poetry Contest - On Hiatus"  How could I resist a offering an R&R? :-[ *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion.

*Earth* General Impressions: *Reading*

Wow! *Delight* This poem delights the senses in every way! Such incredible colours painted with contrasts and conventions by a poet whose heart is tuned to the slightest stirrings of nature as a musician's ear is to the tone of the instrument. You really transported me, and I drifted with every changing scene, whispered so softly by your pen that I hardly noticed it pass.

I love, love, love the assonance and internal rhyme, especially towards the end, and the only thing I wished could be improved is the rhythm -- the syllable count is correct but in some places the stresses fell unnaturally -- but I fear that if you touch anything it will break like a brittle autumn leaf.

That last line...oh boy, it melted right through me. *Happycry* Such a ridiculously beautiful tribute to nature, and without the personification of nature as an artist the poem would fall.

Your word choice gives it such substance, such richness and variety and movement, yet it is so subtle that I can only imagine a very gentle and tender artist. Words like "counterpoint", "hush", "adieu", "debut", "smoke", "cadence", "commence" and "brush" only make me think of pastel and mist. Every line slips together so perfectly, and the rhymes are exquisite.

I adore the lines:
Each night there is a new debut
that fades in shades of smoke.

And, perhaps the core of your poem:

Her art cannot be rushed.

Ken, this has got to be one of my favourite poems of yours and it definitely deserves the win (way more than mine, I'm telling you). Congratulations on a magnificent work of art. You inspire me in every way, and if I could give this 6 stars, I would.

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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