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77 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of My son  
Review by Cherokee Rose
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am reviewing your item I found your story under the Read a Newbie link. Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I felt that your account of life with your son was very interesting.


*StarP*Hook: your opening sentence I hide in my bathroom from my son. is a great hook. I wanted to know why you were hiding from your son.


*StarP*Style and Voice: Your writing style and voice include how you express yourself, what your characters say, and how they act. I liked the way you wrote about how both you, and your son, react to life. Your voice was poignant and direct.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: Your main scene was at your house as you portrayed how your days went. You and your son were the main characters.


*StarP*Dialog: there wasn’t very much dialog in your story, but it wasn’t needed. You are telling your story matter-of-factly, and only quote from your son’s first grade teacher once.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: we all struggle with grammar and the mechanics of writing. Your spelling was great, but punctuation was lacking. One place where it was noticeably missing was in this sentence, I hide in the bathroom on the floor in front of a small space heater from my son. it is impossible to tell if you were hiding in front of the space heater or if the space heater was from your son.


*StarP*Suggestions: I suggest reading what you have written and finding and correcting the sentences that need commas.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature

2
2
Review of A Fairy Tale  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am reviewing your item which I found in the read and review navigation link when I was looking for a story to review. Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I think you have written an interesting and unusual fairy tale. I didn’t expect the ending.


*StarP*Hook: I chose your story because I liked the idea of reading and reviewing a fairy tale.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The scene was a common one for fairy tales: a modest cottage, the forest, and a royal dwelling.


*StarP*Characters: the main characters were the farmer’s daughter, a prince, a king, and a witch. The farmer also had a wife and 2 sons, but they were not a part of the story.


*StarP*Dialog: the dialog was almost nonexistent until the end. What dialog there was worked well.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: the grammar and mechanics of your story were also well done.


*StarP*Suggestions: the story would benefit from more dialog at the beginning. The characters could also be more fleshed out, so as to seem more real. You did, however, write an interesting fairy tale.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature

3
3
Review of Michigan Sister  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I found your poem "Michigan Sister on Read a Newbie. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*StarP*Overall Impression: Your poem touched my heart. I could feel your longing to have your sister back.


*StarP*Hook: I liked the title of your poem and the first lines
Through the trees a whisper
reminds me of my sister
hooked me into wanting to read more. I wanted to know why a whisper through the trees would remind you of your sister.

*StarP*Structure: I enjoyed the pattern of your rhyming words. I also appreciated that you were able to make two near rhyming words, whisper and sister, feel like they did rhyme

*StarP*Grammar, Punctuation and Mechanics:
I felt that your spelling and punctuation were well done.

*StarP*Suggestions: I don’t really have any suggestions. I noticed that your last two lines of the poem didn’t rhyme, but feel that the way it ended tied in well with the end of your sister’s life. Suddenly it was over.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Tired  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Kathy,

I enjoyed reading your poem and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact Your poem was written the way I feel. It validated my personal experience.

*Check2* Rhyme and Meter The every other line rhymes format worked well. For the most part I felt comfortable with the meter. There was very little awkwardness in the meter, where I felt as if I should add words, remove them, or rearrange them.

*Check2* Artistic Voice and Imagery: Your personal voice was evident in your word choice and internal rhythm.

*Check2* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics: Your grammar, spelling, and mechanics were well done.

*Check2* Suggestions: There are a couple of lines that could use a little work. For instance this one: To hear the darkness beckoning and listen to its call could be rewritten: To see the darkness beckoning and listen to its call. You see beckoning and listen to its call.

These are just my thoughts and you may take them, or leave them.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!
5
5
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I loved reading your poem “DEPRESSION IS REAL.” "Depression is Real

*StarP*Overall Impression: Your words made me feel cared for and gave me confidence that I really am not alone.

*StarP*Hook: The very first line “Dear Person who is exactly like me” was an excellent hook to draw me in.

*StarP*Style/Voice: Your writing style is first person and you invited me, the reader, to listen to, or read, your message. Your poem is caring and helpful, even inspirational. There are many people who need to hear your words. You have a kind and caring voice and should continue to use it to help others or even to just express yourself.

*StarP*Suggestions: There are a couple of areas for possible improvement. These are just my thoughts and it’s okay if you don’t agree. You wrote “Dear Person who is exactly like me” as the name of the individual you were writing to. If it was actually the name of a person, all of the words in the name would begin with a capital letter. I would also put a comma after the greeting just like you would in any letter. “Dear Person Who Is Exactly Like Me,”

The other area I noticed, that I would work on, is the meter or internal beat. I noticed it in this part of the poem.
“It’s okay if your house is a mess
So is mine, I confess”
Every time I read that line I want to add the word “must”
“So is mine, I must confess”
There are other lines that could be reviewed in this regard too. These are minor, technical issues. As I said, they are only my opinion and you can ignore them or not.

*StarP*Voice and Emotional Impact: I want to encourage you to continue writing. You have a caring voice and should continue to use it to help others or just to express yourself. Your message had a positive impact on me. As I said earlier, I felt cared for.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature
6
6
Review of Keeper of Secrets  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am reviewing your item as an alumni of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I really enjoyed reading your children's story "Keeper of Secrets." I love the picture you chose for your story. It is the perfect image.


*StarP*Hook: The "Keeper of Secrets" is the perfect title for your story, as it made me want to know who or what the keeper of secrets was. I also liked your lead sentence “Why doesn’t she speak?” the old woman asked. This was an excellent question as it made me want to know more; It drew me in and I wanted to know the answer too.



*StarP*Style and Voice: Your writing style and voice include the words you choose to use to express yourself, and how your personality plays into the formation of your characters and the way they talk. Your style grows and changes with each story you write. Don’t worry too much about what style you use, as worrying about it unnecessarily could make your writing seem stilted, or choppy. I noticed that your writing does seem a little stilted as you move from one subject or person to the next. Note this example:
Tasha smiled shyly and scribbled “Hi” on her spiral notebook. She had such nice handwriting for a 7 year old and wrote with a hot pink ballpoint pen.

In my humble opinion these sentences would flow more smoothly if they were written like this:

Tasha smiled shyly and scribbled "Hi" on her spiral notebook.

Sandra couldn't help but notice the way Tasha's handwriting flowed across the page. "You have beautiful handwriting, and I love your hot pink pen." She told her with a smile.

Tasha beamed at the praise.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: You have set your story in the perfect place and have given a description of it that paints a picture in my mind.


*StarP*Characters: Your characters are realistic but would be even better if a little more description was used.


*StarP*Dialog: The dialog you use is good, however there are a number of places that would benefit by adding more. For instance, in these sentences:
Sandra opened up the office door and led Tasha around the building. They crossed over a field replete with purple, red and yellow wildflowers.

I would use dialog by writing this: Sandra opened the office door and led Tasha around the building. "Isn't the field beautiful?" She asked, pointing to a field replete with purple, red, and yellow wildflowers. You could use a little dialog in other places as well.

*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: You seem to have a good grip on grammar and the mechanics of writing.


*StarP*Suggestions: I think that if you looked at the descriptions you have written, and added dialog, your readers would find your story even easier to read. Also read your story out loud and listen to see if it seems stilted or choppy. You could even read it to someone else and see what they thought. If they read it out loud, to you, you could hear any choppiness for yourself.

Remember, these are just my thoughts and opinions. Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature


7
7
Review of Dare To Be  
Review by Cherokee Rose
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I found your poem in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I was able to identify with your poem. It gave a message of love and promise to all girls and women. I raised three daughters and I have one grand daughter who is eleven years old. I will show them your poem and see what they think.


*StarP*Hook: I liked the title "Dare to Be" I was intrigued. Dare to be what? Who is given this direction and why? The first sentence of your poem continued to draw me in and as I read further my questions were answered


*StarP*Structure: The rhyme scheme you chose for your poem is aabbccdd...continuing in this pattern until IIJJ is completed.


*StarP*Voice and Emotional Impact: As I mentioned earlier, I was able to identify with your words, for both myself, my daughters and my granddaughter. Although this was written in 2009, the words are timeless. My favorite stanza is the third one.

The trials and lessons that you learn
will make you stronger in return.
With confidence and self assurance
you will have built up your endurance
to face the challenge that is life
and overcome the daily strife.



*StarP*Grammar, Punctuation, and Mechanics: The grammar in your poem is, as far as I can tell, right on. The punctuation is also correct as is the spelling. You did an excellent job of finding the perfect rhyming words to portray your thoughts. Since I am who I am, I did notice that your lines aren't all the same length. This is not a problem, it is just a personal preference.


*StarP*Suggestions: I can't come up with any suggestions for improvement in your poetry. I do encourage you to continue writing in different genres, as your writing is pleasant to read. I didn't read any of your work that was over 13+. I am sure that some of them would have been okay, but I stick to the lower rated stories and poems. This is one of the other ways I am different from many others. Who knows though, I might take a look at some of your 18+ stories at a later date. *BigSmile*


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature


8
8
Review of Final Waters  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am reviewing your item as an alumni of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy." Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and discard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: This is a believable account of how a teenager could react to the illness and death of his grandfather. Seeing the teenager sitting on the edge of a cliff, with his feet hanging over, suggested that he may be contemplating suicide. I will leave your readers to see what actually happens.


*StarP*Hook: Final Waters is a good title, and hook,for this story. I wanted to know what, or who, the "Final Waters" was referring to.


*StarP*Style and Voice: Your writing style is that of an uninvolved observer. Your story contains a variety of sentence lengths, which makes it interesting to read. The words you chose to use give evidence of your voice. This sentence is an example. "His normally bubbly, youthful and slightly plump Grandfather had wasted away to become a weak, gaunt old man with greying skin hanging in translucent folds from his newly skeletal form." This is your description and it has painted a picture in my mind that only you could paint. Another writer would use his own words.

The first sentence in your story is written in a passive voice. "Gleaming from the light of the looming full moon, the tears flowing like waterfalls from Danny’s eyes were not easy to hide." A passive voice can occasionally be used, however it is not advisable to begin a story with a passive sentence. You want to have a clear, solid beginning to your stories and in order to have one you need to use an active voice. Your first sentence could be rewritten like this: The tears flowing like waterfalls from Danny's eyes were not easy to hide. The gleaming light of the full moon revealed them to all onlookers. You, of course, will want to use your own words, not mine, as you rewrite your introduction.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The first scene of your story is of a teenage boy on the edge of a cliff. You, once more, paint a picture of the water below and the view presented across the water. I was also able to visualize the other two scenes, one at Danny's house, and the other at the place where the service was held, from your descriptions.

*StarP*Characters: Danny and his mother are the main characters in the story. Their characters are defined by the things they say and do. Danny is shown to be a caring grandson who is trying to hide his fear and terror as he sees his beloved granddad wasting away. His mother is shown to be a loving parent who is temporarily wrapped up in her own grief, and is afraid to communicate with her son about what he is feeling. You have done a good job in your descriptions of their emotions. Both of them are struggling to deal with their pain and anger.


*StarP*Dialog: Dialog is helpful in moving your story forward. What each character is saying, or doing, gives a brief look into his/her personality. I think you have used dialog well.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: Grammar is difficult for most of us. This sentence needs further attention. His granddad had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer in December(,) the previous year(,) and Danny had last seen him on Christmas Day. I have added two missing commas. There are other places where commas are missing as well. Look through your story to find other grammar errors that you could correct.

*StarP*Suggestions: Here are a couple of web pages you might want to take a look at:

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/show-dont-tel...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Tags/Punctuat...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Tags/Grammar/...

These are only my thoughts and suggestions. Take what you want and discard the rest. The most important advice I can give you, is Keep Writing! You and your story have a lot of potential.




Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Sand Maze  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello GreenScarfGirl. I am reviewing your item as an alumni of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression:This was an interesting story to read. The idea is solid, and it is obvious you knew where you were going with it.


*StarP*Hook: The title Sand Maze was intriguing, and made me want to read it. Neither the first sentence nor the first paragraph invited me to continue reading, however the title was a strong enough hook for me to follow your maze to the end.


*StarP*Style and Voice: Your writing style seems to be rather rigid and stiff. Your sentences could be improved if you, the narrator, relaxed into the story by adding more description. For instance look at your first sentence: Dr. Crane keenly observed the inscriptions on the old tablet he had just found. This sentence could be rewritten this way. Dr. Crane's weathered face furrowed in concentration, as he keenly studied the mysterious inscription, on the aged stone tablet he had unearthed. This is just an example of how you can add interest to your sentences. You would, of course, use your own words to give your story more depth. Voice is related to style. It is the way you tell the story, the words you choose. You, as the author, are writing in an informal voice. You are not interacting with the characters. You are merely relating the story as an uninvolved observer. This works well in a narrative, such as yours.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: You partially describe the settings in the different scenes of your story. Again, reach out in your descriptions. Bring more detail to your writing.


*StarP*Characters: I, as the reader, would like to see the characters in my mind, as I read. You have included very little description in your story, but it could easily be sprinkled into the sentences. Check out this sentence from the first paragraph: Dr. Crane keenly observed the inscriptions on the old tablet he had just found. It could be written this way: Dr. Crane squinted, and flicked unruly brown hair out of his eyes, as he keenly studied the inscriptions found on the ancient tablet he had just unearthed.


*StarP*Dialog: Your dialog is okay but there should be more of it as the characters interact.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: Grammar and Mechanics are hard for all of us. This is another area needing attention. Here are some links that I found helpful in my writing.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/show-dont-tel...
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Tags/Punctuat...
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Tags/Grammar/...


*StarP*Suggestions: If you have any questions as you write, grammargirl will usually have the answer. Also, don't hesitate to email any of us. There is an envelope by our signatures that you can click on. I really like your story and think it, and you, have a lot of potential. Remember, these are only my opinions. You can use what you want and disregard the rest.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading your story and was impressed by the fact that you are only eleven. I liked the idea of everything being able to speak long ago.


*StarP*Hook: Your title "Natures Secret Whispers" was a wonderful hook. I love nature, as you obviously do, so it reached out and grabbed me.


*StarP*Style and Voice: Style and voice are related. The words
you chose to use, and the way your story was arranged, give evidence of your style and voice. Voice is usually conversational, informal, or formal. There are also other voices, but we don't need to be concerned with them right now. From reading your story I can tell that your emerging voice is informal. You are writing in the third person, meaning you are an uninvolved narrator.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The setting is the world and the scenes take place everywhere. I love your first sentence: The world today is silent, but it was not always so. Long ago the everything spoke, from the mightiest of oaks twoto the humblest of ants. As you can see, I made a few changes to your punctuation and spelling.


*StarP*Characters: There is one main human character in your story. His parents were minor characters. The children at school, who made fun of Matthew, were also minor characters. The other characters in the story are parts of nature. We know the personality of the boy, by reading about the way he spoke to nature and the things he did.


*StarP*Dialog: The dialog in this story is between Matthew, the children at school, and nature. The quotation marks are in the correct place, but each quote should have the first letter capitalized. They also need an ending punctuation before the quotes, like this: "They ran."

*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: You have quite a few issues with the grammar and mechanics of writing, as do most of us. There is a lot to learn about the structure of sentences, punctuation, and spelling when you write. Thank goodness we can now access instructions and suggestions on the internet. Here are a few links that might help you.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/show-dont-tel...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/run-on-senten...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/wordiness-and...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Tags/Punctuat...



*StarP*Suggestions: you might want to take a look at the links I provided and see if they help you. Compare your first sentence with the modified sentence I made it into. Look for similar errors in your other sentences. Check your sentences to make sure you are choosing the correct spelling for what you want to say. An example of three words that sound the same, yet need to be spelled differently because of the meaning intended, is 'two, too, and to.' I wish you success as you begin your writing career.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bonnie. I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading this light hearted story. I didn't see the end coming but it was perfect. I loved the irony, and the unexpected interpretation of the idiom 'A Bird in the Hand.'


*StarP*Hook: The title of your story invited me to read it. We've all heard and probably used the idiom "a bird in the hand" at some point in our lives. I wanted to know why you chose it as the title to your story.


*StarP*Style and Voice: Style and voice are related. The words you chose to use, and the way your sentences and paragraphs were arranged, give evidence of your style and voice. Voice is usually conversational, informal, or formal. There are other voices as well. From reading this story I can tell that your voice is informal. You are writing in the third person,meaning you are an uninvolved narrator. As I wrote earlier, your story is light-hearted, ironic and mildly funny, a feel good story. Your style and voice were shown by the subject matter, and the way you presented it. Here is an example: Another sharp gust and Tim had visions of Sparkler being sent flying. He could see the poor thing being washed up on Bar Harbor beach—and him homeless!


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The setting of the story is Tim's and Jules' home, but the scene changed with the action. It went from the living room to the kitchen and then outside. You didn't use a lot of description, but the description you did use was sufficient. Most of the action took place outside, and that is also where most of the description occurred. I could see the poor kitten holding on for dear life as the storm continued. He tried to coax the cat down with some chicken but she was hanging on for dear life. A strong gust of wind sent the kitten was screaming in terror, swaying back and forth precariously. Another sharp gust and Tim had visions of Sparkler being sent flying.

*StarP*Characters: There are two main characters, We can see the personalities of Tim and Jules as we read their conversation about the kitten. Both characters are strong and determined. Jules believes the kitten should stay with them. Tim feels the opposite way about the kitten, and is determined to make sure the kitten doesn't become a permanent member of the family. He is also sentimental about the cat he lost. There isn't much physical description of either one, and it would flesh the characters out to add a description of them as they converse. Something like changing this line: "This is getting old," Jules said sounding exasperated. into this line. "This is getting old," Jules frowned and flipped her curly brown hair out of her eyes.


*StarP*Dialog: Most of the dialog in your story is at the beginning, and the end. The dialog is useful for showing the personality of the characters, and moving the story along. Dialog doesn't necessarily have to be only between two or more individuals. People talk to animals all the time. Perhaps you could have Tim talk to the cat as he shows his disapproval and/or rescues it from the tree.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: Grammar and the mechanics of writing are not easy for any of us. Grammar is the way sentences are put together. The mechanics of writing, on the other hand, include run-on sentences, sentence fragments, punctuation, spelling, and so on. I am including both of them as being the same in my review. This is a good link to help us understand and improve our writing.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/run-on-senten...

Here is another link dealing with wordiness in sentences.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/wordiness

Some of your sentences contain grammar and mechanical errors. Notice this sentence: Whooooooshhhh!.. the sound was like the sound that of a rushing waterfall, except there was this awful crashing sound as it landed on a few ceramic pots,. he He felt he was watching it all in slow motion, and knew that he was in deep trouble. now. At least the cat was safe. - she simply leap (leaped or leapt) off the tree before it hit the ground.


*StarP*Suggestions:Look over the articles in the links I posted. There are other links in the articles that will help you address other questions you may have about the art of writing. I am unsure of the kitten's name in your story. Once it was Snooks, but most of the time it was Sparkle. I can see how this can happen as it takes a while to settle on a name for any pet. Sparkle must be the kitten's name, since Sparkle is the name you use most often,


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello G.D.Evens. I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy". Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading your story. I agree that childhood is fragile and children can suffer permanent damage when evil intrudes upon their lives. It was a little challenging to read though, due to your sentence and paragraph structure.


*StarP*Hook: Your title intrigued me. I wanted to know what kind of intrusion you were referring to. Once I started to read I was anxious to find out more about the characters and the intrusion.


*StarP*Style and Voice: Style refers to the word choice and the point of view the writer uses. You use everyday, informal language in your writing. You also include a little colloquialism, for flavor. I am in America so I don't understand some of your slang. For instance, I am not sure what the word "innit" means. *Smile* Another part of style is sentence length, variety of sentences, and the length and structure of paragraphs. You sometimes use sentence fragments, and run-on sentences, as I mentioned in the overall impression area.

Voice is presented in your style of writing, as well as word choice, punctuation, spelling, sentence length, and paragraph structure. Your use of run-on sentences and sentence fragments make your voice a little fuzzy. Your very first sentence is a sentence fragment. An oppressive humid day and the butter was melting on the IKEA garden table. This sentence fragment needs a clearer beginning. It seems to be missing the first two or three words. (It was)or (The day was). There are similar sentence fragments in your story. This link might help you.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/sentence-frag...


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The scene starts in the house, where the family is enjoying a visit with their young cousin. The weather is described as oppressive and humid. This description sets the tone for an unpleasant intrusion. As the story progresses the scene transfers to the bus, where the unexpected intrusion occurs. More description would make your story even better.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/show-dont-tel...

*StarP*Characters: The main characters are the person relating the story and his young cousin. You did give a brief description of what the cousin looked like, however, I would like to see the two main characters 'fleshed out,' as that would help the reader see their personalities and understand their actions.


*StarP*Dialog: The dialog is well written, but I would like you to add more. There a number of places dialog could be used. Perhaps the information related in the next to last paragraph could have been more effective if dialog was used instead of description. Sarah could have screamed "Leave me alone!" or "Noooo." or something similar. The boy could have also screamed. "Let go of her!" or "Leave her alone! or??? Also every time the speaker changes you need to begin a new paragraph. This allows the reader to follow along and know who is speaking. Note how this can be done:

"So Sarah, any plans for Secondary School?" my mum inquired.

"Oh yes, my mum wants me to go to this Catholic school called Christ Church(,) but I'm more comfortable with The Castle School (,) where my friend Amy is going."

"Is that a mixed school?"

"Yes, I wouldn't want to be with just girls."



*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: Grammar is the set of structural rules that govern our language. It covers punctuation, word usage, spelling, sentences, and paragraphs, to name just a few of its parts. You sometimes use sentence fragments and run-on sentences in your story, as well as unnecessary wordiness. Take for example this sentence, and the beginning of the next: "Quick as a flash, my life changed in an instant. Without warning,..." There are three sets of words that mean the same thing. You could use any one of these word choices, but not all three together.

Here are two more links you might enjoy checking out.

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/run-on-senten...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/wordiness-and...


*StarP*Suggestions: I suggest you read over your sentences and paragraphs and see what errors you can find that need fixed. Like I said earlier, I enjoyed reading your story. Your message needs to be heard by everyone. I hope I didn't overwhelm you with my review. Like I said, these are just my thoughts and opinions. Use what you want and disregard the rest. I think your story has a lot of potential, which is why I was so hard on it.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Wolf Temple  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Silver, I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression:I enjoyed reading "Wolf Temple". The plot was easy to follow, and Lessel and the white wolf were interesting characters.


*StarP*Hook: The title "Wolf Temple" caught my attention. The first sentence made me want to know more about the wolves. Here on earth we have many kinds of wolves today, which include the artic arctic wolf, the gray wolf, and the black wolf, just to name a few better-known wolf types. Nice hook. *Cool*


*StarP*Style and Voice Style includes the words the author chooses to use, as well as the structure, length, and variety of sentences and paragraphs. This is a good example of your style: It is in the early morning hours our story begins. Deep in a forest next to a fast flowing river, is a clearing where a young white wolf rises, leaving her mothers side. She's going in search of a voice that has called to her for several sleeps. You have used a variety of sentence lengths and your description of the surroundings tugs the reader into the peaceful scene.

There are a number of different voices that a story can be written in: Conversational; Informal; Formal; and other voices as well. The voice of your story is informal, and it is written in the third person. You are an uninvolved observer narrating the story to the reader. The example sentence I quoted earlier is also a good example of voice. These sentences are neither conversational nor formal but are written in everyday language. Good job. *Cool*


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The first scene takes place in the forest, where we are introduced to the white wolf and his family. The scene is described well in the second paragraph, which I have already quoted. The next scene is at the young widow's cottage. Her cottage is described as ... so badly run down that she has to watch out for the rodents that have became her room mates. She is also working in her ravaged garden. The village is also mentioned in this story but a description of it is not needed at this time.


*StarP*Characters: Lessel and the white wolf are the main characters in the story. Lessel is shown to be industrious as she tends her garden and cleans her bird coop. She won't give up but is determined to take care of herself, and is humble. She wonders why she was chosen by the wolf to be the wolf talker. Lessel looked down at the white wolf by her side wondering why she was picked and not one of the other villagers; They all seemed like they would be a better choice for a wolf walker.

The white wolf is described as a loving protector and a loyal friend of Lessel as she becomes her village's wolf talker.

Della is a kind old women who wants the abuse of Leesel to stop.

Moor is the leader of the village that recognizes the young widow as being the next wolf talker, and also directs the village to treat the young woman with respect. Nice characterization.

*StarP*Dialog: Your dialog is simple and moves the story along as Moor and Della show their respect for Leesel, and instruct the villagers to be kind to their new wolf talker. Here is an example of your dialog: “Ok Della, you know I have been saying the same thing to them and they have not listened to me ether.” Moor then addressed the crowd, “Ok every, one go back to your homes and your daily lives but leave these two alone!” Moor then turned back to the widow, “Lessel, I will have some fresh meat brought over as soon as I can at no charge to you, and let me know if there is any thing that you might need.”

These words explain how the leader of the village and the old woman feel about Leesel, and the white wolf that has adopted her.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: Grammar and the mechanics of writing are areas that need a lot of attention. You sometimes use words incorrectly as in this sentence: 'The wolf takes a step forward barring her teeth and growling louder.' The word 'barring' should be changed to 'bared.' There are other words spelled one way when the correct word is spelled differently. You also have a number of choppy sentences that are difficult to read. This sentence is an example. The Great Black Wolf Temple is to their teamwork and raising their young.

Also, you sometimes change tenses in the middle of a sentence. As she moves away from her mother and her pack, a lone gray wolf laying at the wolf mother’s side, watching to see her walk away toward the human village that lives in the shadow of the great temple. This sentences could be written this way to make it flow smoothly. 'As she moved away from her mother and her pack, a lone gray wolf laying at the wolf mother's side watched her walk away, toward the human village that lived in the shadow of the great temple. I didn't change any words in your sentence, but added commas and changed the verbs to the same tense.

*StarP*Suggestions: I would look at each sentence and examine it to make sure there are no errors. Then I would look at each paragraph and make sure there aren't any run on sentences or sentence fragments. I am being hard on your story because it has a lot of potential. After you have corrected your story, I would be happy to review it again.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature


14
14
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Sarah. I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: Your story hit a nerve with me. I could relate to Ashley and the abuse of him by his father. I believe this to be a realistic and descriptive account of a boy and how the abuse by his family affected him. I particularly identified with this statement about Ashley. So it was easy to say that every time Ashley received a new bruise she seemed to smile with glee, since that particular incident he always stayed silent. It was just easier that way.


*StarP*Hook: The title of your story hooked me. I wondered why you chose the title, A Road Colored Red for your story? The first paragraph of your story continued to draw me in as you described the setting.


*StarP*Style and Voice: This story was definitely written in your own voice. This was an excellent beginning to your story: Within those rolling hills, valleys held shallow ponds, which were given birth to by late night torrential rains. There were many sentences similar to this one, that revealed your distinct voice.


*StarP*Scene/Setting: The first and second paragraphs contain an excellent description of the setting. Away from the rest of the normal neighborhood noises, away from laughing children, and barking dogs. Far enough so that no one could hear the screams, the begging, the crying, as well as the silence. The distance caused a muffling effect against the hills, absorbing the sound like ink on paper. Everything looks so peaceful, the opposite of what the real situation is. You also used the school as a setting that showed Ashley was bullied at school as well as at home.

*StarP*Characters: Ashley was a person with strong coping skills. Marilyn Martin, the only person willing to accept him, had also developed strong coping skills, with her abusive family . Ashley and Marlyn bond because of their shared circumstances.

Ashley's stepmother and father were clearly identified as the primary abusers. His father is portrayed as a violent physical, emotional and verbal abuser.

Ashley's mother died andAshley had stood up quickly, ready for the embrace he believed he deserved even with their unsteady relationship (,) but instead his father slapped him, hard, causing an almost instantaneous welt. He yelped in contest, his crying stopped as quickly as the slap had arrived.
“Stop your crying, that never helps anything. She’s gone, and I’ve got you to deal with,” his dad yanked him forward by the arm, and that was what life became.
This tremendous physical and emotional abuse was unrelenting.

Ashley's stepmother was a manipulative emotional, and verbal, abuser as this story developed. Here is an example: A won spelling bee would be ‘an error by the teacher’, a piece of art work displayed in the hallway was to merely make him feel less like the retard that he was, in her words, a fall off his bike was his “Own damn clumsiness”. In fact Lois made it her mission in her very dull existence to say quite frequently with malice, “I don’t have the foggiest idea how your mom put up with you,”


*StarP*Dialog: The dialog is realistic and helps the story move along as the reader actually feels a connection with Ashley and Marilyn. Here is a good example of how you use dialog effectively: So caught up in his thoughts he didn’t hear the garage door open and his Dad’s booming voice appeared behind him like a foggy mist, “You get your mother taken care of?”

Ashley jumped, his eyes even wider behind his glasses, “D-Dad I didn’t see you, yes, yes I took care of her an hour ago she’s already asleep,” he replied quickly.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: You have a general grasp of grammar and the mechanics, however this is an area you seem to struggle with. (so do I.) Some sentences seem awkward to read. This sentence is an example. Lois, in those days was thinner, awoke from one of her many drug induced naps she stumbled into the living room where he played. The sentence might be easier to read if written this way: Lois, who at that time was thinner, awoke from one of her many drug induced naps, and stumbled into the living room where he played. See how some very simple changes caused your sentence to roll smoothly?

Another area you might want to take a look at is formatting. Poems can be centered, but stories need to be aligned differently. Centering a story makes it difficult to read. Left aligned stories are much easier to read.

In addition, you should give attention to your paragraphs. If you double space them, they are easier to read, and will tell the reader where one paragraph ends, and a new one begins.

*StarP*Suggestions: After these areas have been edited, I would be happy to review it again. I like the passion and empathy you show in this story. It has a lot of potential and I am looking forward to reading it after your edit.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Accept Me  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Gang." Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*StarP*Overall Impression: I found this story to be emotionally gripping. It was a believable story of the affect bullying has on the bullied individual.

*StarP*Hook: The title of this story hooked me. Who needed to be accepted and why?


*StarP*Voice: Your voice was heard in your word choice and the adjectives and adverbs you used as well as by the story line itself. Here is an example: Her hands rested rigidly in her lap; cold, knotted fingers strangled each other in a clamp-tight hold.


*StarP*Setting: I felt the setting of your story was believable and realistic. It began in the school, where most bullying takes place and ended on the tramline, the place she was to die. Did she intend to die there or was it an accident? I think you were showing that it was both.


*StarP*Characters: The main character is a young girl who is being bullied by her classmates because she is mute. She can hear and see, but cannot speak. The other characters are the two girls speaking in the restroom, and the bullies. The characters were well defined by the things they said and did.

*StarP* Dialog: There are two places where there is audible dialogue. The two girls who are in the restroom speaking to each other help show how tense and upset the main character is. The other audible dialog takes place when the bullies are picking on the mute girl. There is also a silent dialog that takes place in the girl's mind. The dialogue helps move the story along.


*StarP*Grammar and Mechanics: For the most part you showed a good grasp of grammar and the mechanics of writing. However, some of the grammar and mechanics used in this story are a little awkward, at least to me. This is one example: A lock clicked. Slowly, with tentative hesitations, the turquoise cubicle door finally swayed open and she stepped out at last. Repeating ideas or phrases are unnecessary. You need to be remove either 'finally' or 'at last.'


*StarP*Suggestions: You might want to look at this sentence again: In her mind’s eyes, she could see them propel each other backwards and forwards, like waves in a sea, a raging sea, in which a thunderous storm was brewing steadily. I added three commas to the above sentence, and there are similar errors in other sentences. She didn’t quite know what she would feel if she was to peer in; all she knew was that whatever it was, it would only lead to hurt in the end… An ellipse (...) is used where words are left out of a quotation and can be used at the end of a sentence that is incomplete. I am not sure why an ellipse is used at the end of this sentence. Maybe I don't know all the ways an ellipse can be used.

These are only my thoughts and opinions. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

Cherokee My 1st signature
16
16
Review of One Thing  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your item as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Gang." Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*StarB*Hook: I enjoyed reading your story. It has a lot of potential. Your title didn't hook me though, and, in my opinion, didn't seem to fit the story. You might want to choose a different title. The way you introduced your story did hook me. It made me want to know more about what scarred the main character and why she won't heal.


*StarB*Voice: Your voice was apparent by your word choice and how the story line progressed. As the final bell sounded the halls filled with buzzing children as they rushed home. Your voice would have been even clearer if there was more dialog.


*StarB*Setting: The beginning of your story took place at school, then moved to the main character's house and finally to her best friend's house. These settings were appropriate for a story about best friends, and what happened to them.

*StarB*Characters: Your characters were defined by their actions and words. Jenny and Derrick were given names and these were helpful for identifying them. The main character was not given a name. To me, the story would be more complete if she were named. That could have been easily done by including her name in the dialog. Derrick could have used it here: “Hey there(?????}.” Derrick grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around until I was looking into his blue eyes gleaming with eagerness. Jenny could have used it here: “Hey (?????),did you ask them?” Jenny asked puffing as she ran towards me.


*StarB*Dialog: Here we are, speaking of dialog again. *Smile* Dialog helps to move the story along, and it can be used in a way that allows you to show instead of just telling. Take for instance, these sentences:
“So what are we going to do?” Jenny asked as she held up one of my party tops in front of her. We only had a short time to collect some clothes for me that would last the two weeks; I didn’t know what we would be doing so I didn’t know what clothes I would need for the two weeks.Could be rewritten something like this: "I wish I had more time to collect the clothes I will need for two weeks." I told Jenny.
"So what are we going to do?" Jenny asked, as she held one of my party tops in front of her.
"I don't know. If I knew it would sure be a lot easier to choose what clothes to take." The dialog you use works, but there are other places where it could be used make your story even better.





*StarB*Grammar and Mechanics: There are a number of places where your grammar and mechanics could be improved. Here is one example: “I’m fine.” Jenny just snapped and then raised her eyes to meet mine and smiled. “I’m fine, just haven’t been feeling well.”It could be rewritten like this: “I’m fine.” Jenny snapped,then raised her eyes to meet mine, and smiled. “I’m fine, just haven’t been feeling well.” There are also places where information is duplicated. Look at this: I saw her mobile phone sitting on the desk, I just had to check it just one more time to see if I could be mistaken somehow. The second use of the word 'just' is unnecessary. Here is a repeated phrase:We were just like sisters so it would be a fun holiday, anything would be better than going over to my aunts, listening to prehistoric music and eating food that had no traces of salt, sugar or flavour. Anything would have been better.



*StarB*Suggestions: Take another look at your story, sentence by sentence. You will find a number of places that need edited for grammar and mechanics, as well as for dialog. I enjoyed your story, and would be happy to review it again after you edit it.



Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I am reviewing your "Rockin' Academy Supplementary Lesson 2" as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*Check2*Overall Impression:This story intrigued me and I enjoyed the story line.

*Check2*Hook: There is no specific hook. The title of your story caught my interest. I don't usually read about dragons but I was curious about what was going on with the egg.


*Check2*Style and Voice: You are writing in the first person and your voice is evident in your word choice. For instance in this partial sentence and the one following: Only to brush the flecks of yellow and gold out lining a silver blaze with light blue high lights. Her eyes glistened like large fire opals, her spikes where now showing signs of blue, and green, with tips of black and red.


*Check2*Scene/Setting:The setting is in the Dragon lair hatching grounds and the feeding fields where a number of dragons and riders are gathered to feed and care for the hatchlings.


*Check2*Characters: There are a number of characters, both human and dragon. The main characters seem to be the unnamed human that is telling the story and bonds with Lastorn when she hatches. There are also the golden dragon and a silver dragon that gathers meat for all the hatchlings. There are a number of other dragons with their riders also gathered in the area as well as a number of humans.


*Check2*Dialog:There isn't very much dialog in this story...at least not yet.


*Check2*Grammar and Mechanics: The grammar and mechanics of writing need a lot of attention. The tense keeps changing. Sometimes you write in the past tense,sometimes in the future tense, and sometimes in the present tense. There are a number of spelling mistakes. If you have a spell checker you might want use it.


*Check2*Suggestions: I would probably start the story out with these sentences: I stand there puzzled at what is happening. The golden dragon (is)holding a large red stone with light reflecting off the thousands of small facets making up the surface(.) The deep humming of the dragons (is) echoing around the valley, as the gold dragon places the stone at my feet.

You have a number of run-on sentences that could be made into two or three sentences like I just did in your sentence above.

One of the rules of writing fiction is show, don't tell. That's why dialog is an important part of writing. Of course there will still be a number of places where description will be necessary.

This story has a lot of potential and I would be happy to review it again after your edit.

Like I said earlier these are only my thoughts. Take them or leave them as you like.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello! I found your story "GRYPHONIS REX, The 1st Gryphon as a random review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2*Overall Impression:This story is outside my usual genre. Despite that fact I enjoyed the read.


*Check2*Hook: The first line in the prologue: "You know, you truly do not grasp how beneath me this all is." was a good hook as it made me curious about who was speaking and why everything was beneath him.


*Check2*Style and Voice:Your style of writing and you voice were clear as I read.


*Check2*Scene/Setting: The scene began in the home, or workshop of Kelzen.


*Check2*Characters:The character Kelzen was clearly defined as was the character Gryphos. The character Zyphrem the unicorn stallion was also well defined.


*Check2*Dialog:Your dialog showed that you were well aware of how dialog should be written.


*Check2*Grammar and Mechanics: The grammar and mechanics of your story were correctly done.


*Check2*Suggestions: I don't have any suggestions to offer but I commend you on your writing ability.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature


19
19
Review by Cherokee Rose
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


Hello Asthelogrolls! (I love your user name) *Smile* I found your story "The Last Deer Hunt as a random read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2*Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading this historical account of life in the 1700s. It flowed smoothly from beginning to end.


*Check2*Hook: Your first sentence drew me into the story by painting an image in my mind of the beginning of the day for an early settler in New Jersey.
The southern New Jersey skies were still as black as ink that morning in November of 1721 when Charles Hand slipped out of bed.


*Check2*Style and Voice: This story was written as a narrative. Your use of adjectives and adverbs are written in 'your voice' and add detail and interest to this story.


*Check2*Scene/Setting: The setting is the house and the forest surrounding it.


*Check2*Characters: Your characters are partially defined as you relate the account as an uninvolved bystander.


*Check2*Dialog: Your use of dialog was good as far as it went.


*Check2*Grammar and Mechanics: You seem to have a good grasp on the grammar and mechanics of writing.


*Check2*Suggestions: I think this story could be improved by adding more dialog in some places. For instance you narrate the account where Charles is trying to reassure Peter about the accident and I feel the story could be improved by adding dialog between Charles and Peter. I also would have liked to have a clearer character definition of Rebecca. In the sentence The outwardly silent prayer screamed through her mind. the word "outwardly" is unnecessary.


Thank you for sharing your story. Remember, these are my opinions only. Take them or leave them as you like. Write On!
Cherokee My 1st signature

20
20
Review of Little Girl  
Review by Cherokee Rose
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed reading this example of prose. I could identify with that little girl. It almost sounds like she is bipolar because she has no control over her anger. I could see this lost little girl as she tries to hide her pain . This is well written and conveys the feelings of the lost little girl as she tries to deal with her world. Good job and keep writing!
21
21
Review of Sniper  
Review by Cherokee Rose
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story is well written. I like the way the story is told in the first person. You wrote a good beginning hook that drew me right into the story. I had questions that were unanswered but they appeared to be questions that were unanswered on purpose, to draw me into the mystery of life as it was lived by the survivors of a past war. Your use of grammar and punctuation is correct and so is your spelling. If there were mistakes in this story I didn't see them. Is it your intention to continue this story? If you do I would like to read more. You seem to have a good grasp on what it takes to be a successful author. Keep writing.
22
22
Review of Downfall  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your poetry. Your rhythm is for the most part well done, and your message is clear. The rhyming pattern you used was effective and is one of my favorites. I didn't find spelling or punctuation errors as it is my understanding that punctuation is not needed at the end of a poetic line. I may be wrong of course as I don't know everything. Take my review as you like. Just keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved this story! What a great response to the writers cramp! The end of the story was a surprise but you built up to it gradually so that it made perfect sense. I also liked your choice of descriptive words and figures of speech.

...threatening the release their icy contents on the world below.' This partial sentence needs to be rewritten: ... threatening the release "of" their icy contents on the world below. or
...threatening "to" release their icy contents on the world below. There may be more errors in this story but I didn't find them. *Smile* Nice job, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I enjoyed reading this story. This story is pretty good, but lacks an ending, leaving the reader with lots of unanswered questions. There are also a couple of punctuation errors. This sentence: “”We’re too small.” has an extra quotation mark at the beginning, while the sentence: We’re too far away.” is lacking a quotation mark at the beginning. You have also used than rather than "then." in this sentence: “We live for a very long time. I was a young man than.” These errors are easily corrected. I am sure you didn't see them when you edited your story, as they are easy to miss. You demonstrate a knowledge of correct punctuation. Good job on this piece of work. Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Space Haven  
Review by Cherokee Rose
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You wrote a very interesting and riveting story and I enjoyed reading it. It clearly showed how Aaron felt as he came to terms with his father's illness.At first he was afraid and would hide in his imagination. B y the end of the story Aaron is still afraid but has found a way not only to cope, but to find the courage to help. I found it hard to locate spelling or other errors. But, since no one is perfect I did find some. For instance, this sentence: “Daddy!” he’d shout out running straight into his outstretched arms at the speed of light." the word "out" is unnecessary .Also I am uncomfortable with Aaron's voice being feeble when he talked to his father. It would seem that his voice would be confident or quiet at this point in the story. Keep writing!




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