Nice writing. I was so sad while I read chapter 2 that I cried from beginning to end. I don't want to talk about what happened because I don't want give the story away, but I would recommend this book to everyone. Your sentences are more fluent then when you first started writing in "The Color of Jade." I have read all the chapters you have written in "Unseen Warriors" Your sentences sometimes contain an unnecessary word though. The sentence "He raised his head up and looked at me" does not need the word 'up'. There a few more errors in your story, but I'm sure you will find them with a careful edit. Keep writing! I want to know what happens next!
This is a very cute story and I enjoyed reading it. You have a smooth fluent sentence structure and I really liked the occasional scatter of rhyme. The theme of friendship was apparent in your words. You do need to work on punctuation and spelling though. For instance the sentence ‘ I thought id lost you’ should be written as "I thought I'd lost you." Keep writing! You have a talent that should be developed. I would love reading any future stories you may write.
Good job. Your story was interesting and thought provoking. I can't quite figure out what you were referring to when you wrote "I knew too well the past could not be changed." Were you referring to the pink slip? Why did her shoulders slump? Your punctuation and sentences worked well in conveying your story. These are only my impressions. I don't know why I can't figure out all of the story. I am feeling very dense right now. Keep writing!
This was an interesting read. I liked the way each of the pets had a quality that could explain the universe. I have never heard of this myth before, where did you find it? I also liked how Iblis and Khaliq were each finding different qualities to balance each pet's contribution. Keep Writing!
I really enjoyed reading your story, in fact I laughed all the way through it. Your main character was very believable as he bumbled through the hours trying to get settled in his new apartment. It seemed that everything that could go wrong did. The way you ended the story was a stroke of genius. I also thought the dialog worked very well. I honestly can't think of any changes that need to be made. Keep writing!
This for me was an easy read. I liked the flow and the rhyme pattern. It kind of made me feel sad to know that he was so much of a loner that he had no friends though. Your spelling and grammar were correct as far as I could see and your word choice successfully conveyed your thoughts. Keep writing!
Good job. This is an interesting concept and there is only one word that caught my mind as I was reading. You wrote "Well most 'definatly' but the correct spelling is 'definitely'. I found myself identifying with you as for the most part the same things could be said about myself. Keep on writing!
Nice hook. Your story started out making me laugh as I remembered raising my own mischievous children. I identified with the mom as she tried to keep up with her rambunctious son, something I was hardly able to do with mine. As the story ended I was crying. I knew when two policemen came to her door that her son was dead, but like her tried to ignore the truth. This is in my opinion a good solid story and I can't find anything that needs to be fixed.
I loved the continuation of Jade's story in "Unseen Warriors". Your sentence structure is much easier to read as you continue writing. Some of your sentences feel like they are missing something though. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that they might need. I will continue to review your story chapter by chapter and will hopefully be able to give an example in the next chapter.
I really enjoyed reading this book, but felt that the ending was too abrupt. You left me wondering if Trey was going to make it. Was Jade's father still alive? There were just too many loose ends when you concluded your story. At least for me. It's not as if I would have wanted you to write a lot more. You could have ended the story in just a couple more paragraphs and I would have been satisfied. You wouldn't need to continue the story until everything was settled. You could just bring about a conclusion that answered a few questions and left it open as they waited to see what the future would bring. There were some errors involving run on sentences and sentence structure, as well as some miner spelling mistakes. An example is the word forth. Fourth would have been the spelling for what the sentence was saying. I'm not sure where in your book that the sentence was written or I would give you the whole sentence. Despite the errors I referred to your story was spellbinding. I couldn't wait to find out what happened next.
Am I supposed to review each chapter or the entire book? All the chapters contained similar errors, but if you edit each chapter a few times you could remove most errors yourself. I really was impressed by your story. Keep on writing!
I really liked reading this poem. I think it captured the emotions of growing towards young adulthood well. The meter is consistent and each stanza flows into the next smoothly. Your use of descriptive words paints a clear picture of each stage of life. I can't really think of how you can improve this. Unfortunately it is hard to publish a poem by itself. I would advise writing more poems for young people and perhaps you could publish them as a book. This is just my humble opinion.
Overall I feel that this is a good story. It starts out with a hook, the sound "mmmph". It makes you wonder: What is happening? Who is saying this and why?
There are a few issues with the layout. The first part of the story is a little confusing, at least to me. The sentence after the beginning word would flow better if it was made into two sentences. It could also use a few descriptive words.
"Mmmmph.?
"Excuse me?" Jenna asked, raising one eyebrow.
My other friend, Chrissie, using her ever-present deductive reasoning skills, observed my problem and helped me pry my mouth open. I moaned and laid my head on the table.
The phrase, "ever-present deductive reasoning skills", doesn't flow for me. You might think of another way to say what you really mean. For instance: Chrissie, using her excellent observation and reasoning skills helped me pry my mouth open.
These are just my thoughts. Keep writing. You're doing good.
I read this and felt her pain. The description of the agony she felt is realistic. You wrote this as if it was your pain, your experience.
The wording and sentence structure could use a little work. In the second sentence it would sound better if you wrote: living with the pain that had swallowed me whole, using the word 'the' instead of 'her'. Next sentence: She walked through the hall as if invisible. Next sentence 'Nobody wanted anything to do with her.'
A little different word choice and sentence structure would do wonders to your writing. All in all a good story. You have a promising career ahead.
This is not my usual reading genre, however once I started reading it I couldn't stop. I read it solely for content and did not notice any issues at my first reading. I went back and read it again and found a few things I would like to comment on. Please remember I am an aspiring writer just like you.
In the first sentence I liked your clever use of alliteration: slipped silently, and tortured twisted.
In the second paragraph the beginning of the second sentence didn't feel right to me. I would have been more comfortable if the wording was changed to: He slowly and carefully circled around it, It says the same thing but the flow is smoother.
The last sentence in paragraph 5 is: He knew he would be to if he did not act quickly. This sentence is written in the present tense but It should have been written in the past tense: He knew he would have been too if he hadn't acted quickly.
There are a few more things I would comment on if I had time, but unfortunately I don't. I hope this has been helpful. All in all you did most things right. Keep writing.
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