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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/forgiveness
Review Requests: ON
204 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
While I will give input on any spelling, grammar, and punctuation, I much prefer to rate based on how the content flows and feels to me as a reader. Even if there is room for improvement, I always prefer to stay on the positive side of things. To be honest, every writer has room for improvement. We're all works in progress.
I'm good at...
reviewing poetry. Because poetry is mostly about feelings and imagery (and a little bit about form), I find that poets find my advice to be more helpful than other writers. I like to immerse myself in whatever I'm reading, and the strong feelings evoked in poetry tends to resonate with me better than other forms of writing.
Favorite Genres
I like fantasy, scifi, horror, and drama, but I will read other things. I love monsters, vampires, weird happenings, and things like that.
Least Favorite Genres
I'm not a huge fan of romance and erotica. That's not to say that I wont review a fantasy novel that includes romance or erotica, but I can't take a lot of it.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, short stories, chapters, novellas, and crosswords.
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels. It's not that I don't want to read your story (I really do), but I am a slow reader. If you want me to review your book, you will have to do so with the expectation that it will take me while.
I will not review...
Fanfiction. Aside from the issue of knowing who the characters are in their original setting, I don't really care for it in general.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of He Who Remembers  
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love this prologue! There is a lot to unpack here about the old gods, the New Lord, and this being they are putting all of their faith into for the sake of bringing back their power.

I didn't see any spelling, grammatical, or punctuation problems.

However, you use the word "power" 15 times in this short piece, sometimes twice in the same sentence. I like what you have put together in the first paragraph, but in second, maybe you could swap out some "powers" for something else. Like "He tore us from our power...that was our power" could be something like "He tore us from the source of our powers, left us feeling like children whose favorite toy had been taken away." In some instances, power is going to be the right word, but a thesaurus might help you find different ways to reference it without overusing the word.

It sounds like you've on the verge of something really cool. I hope you keep it going! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'd like to start by saying I didn't find any spelling, grammatical, or mechanical errors. Good on you for that! *Smile*

About this chapter:

I can see there's a lot of family dynamics happening here, which could prove to be very rewarding later on in the story. That being said, everything up to "My life changed a month ago" is expositional and doesn't match the rest of the chapter. I can see that this is the instigating event of the story, but it feels like there's too much before and not enough after.

If I was you, I would take out everything leading up to that day and either try to work it in to a prologue or set it aside so that those little details can be thrown in through dialogue and action later. I would also extend this chapter to include more of the character's dread. Ending on "What?!" doesn't work well if the next chapter doesn't start with an action scene of some sort. Maybe the character could start the internal conflict of wondering who they are and where they belong. You could even go as far as to have them decide they might leave.

These are just my opinions based on feedback I've received from The Novel Workshop on my own writing. I hear a lot of "Show, Don't Tell," which means exposition doesn't come across well in writing. It also saves you a good chunk of word count to use actions instead of telling it all like a story inside of the story.

It was still a good read! Keep on writing! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very interesting! You've set up a good start to a novel or even a series about this girl who has magic. Her mother knew, which probably means she had magic too, and then this woman shows up which gives some conflict and probably has something to do with the magic as well.

I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, but I'm going to tell you the same thing the people in The Novel Workshop told me. Show, don't tell. In the span of a chapter, you cover a lot of ground, but it's all introspective until Nancy shows up. If you could wrap that inside of some action by having Harley talking to someone about (a friend, her father, etc.) about her mother or something, it wouldn't pull your readers through so much explanation without anything actually happening. Plus, YA books tend to have a smaller word count, so you have to fit a lot of story into a smaller book than most.

Also, make sure it's action that's actually happening. Agents and publishers have been all over Twitter talking about how everyone is having their main character wake up at the beginning of the book, or the first chapter is actually a dream. It's overused. There's better ways around it.

But, overall, I like what you have here and hope you continue it! It has a lot of potential. *Smile*

If you would like help on your book and have a few chapters put together, you can apply to be in The Novel Workshop (which there is a link to in my signature) or Cross Timbers. There, other authors can read your book and give you feedback (and you would do the same). Just something to think about.

I hope this helps. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Crafty Thief  
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this little poem! It's like a children's rhyme or something. And, much like a nursery rhyme, it has a warning embedded in it. Not only did he not get what he thought he had (two genies), but he was turned to stone for his crime. The only way this could be more ironic is if they turned him into a genie as well who would appear when the next person stole and rubbed the lamp. Very fun!

I don't see any spelling and grammatical errors! Very good!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Sorji
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lovely! Just lovely! I know this is an older poem, but I hope you visit from time to time because it really is quite good!

I like that you included the footnote about Seelie because that's not a term I was familiar with, which surprises me because I have some familiarity with high fantasy. I like learning new things like that.

I can tell you chose your words carefully because it tells such a long story in so few lines without losing intensity or feeling like it has these big gaps between happenings. It almost reads as lyrics to a song because of your word choice and how you've spaced your stanzas.

I'm glad I ran into this on the review mixer!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It looks like you have a good start of a story here I love how descriptive you are. It really brings the reader in and gives them a taste of what’s going on. I didn’t see any major errors throughout.

You do need to capitalize the first word of a quote, so:

Dad said, “That water...”

Also, double-spacing it makes it a litter easier on the eyes. It’s not a big deal, but it looks nicer. *Smile*

Overall, loved it! Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the variation in rhyme scheme in this poem! It keeps it from getting stale. Sometimes a continuous rhyme scheme through the stanzas detracts from the content, and I feel like you side-stepped that issue with wondrous grace. Also, your content is both pleasing and informative. Sometimes it's difficult to make pieces about big issues enjoyable to read, but you nailed it and included a resource for those who want to know more.

This is awesome! I'm glad I ran into it on the review mixer!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Sorji
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I know this is an older poem, but I hope you'll accept my feedback just the same. That being said--

WOW! I love this poem! It feels so magical from start to finish. You use these light, airy words to give it a sense of levity and strong descriptors too. I also like that you include the word virginal and it's definition because it's not a word that gets used often. It's always nice to see those old-world words make a comeback.

Overall, this was a really great poem! I'm glad I ran into it on the review mixer! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Size of a Thought  
Review by Sorji
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Let me start by saying I didn't find any spelling/punctuation/mechanical errors.

Beyond that, this lost me a few times. There's a lot going on here in one chapter, and it's a bit overwhelming for me. It might just be that this is a little too far outside my usual genres, but it feels a bit over-stuffed. Maybe if you slowed your pacing and brought a little more detail into your action scenes, it might be something I'd consider continuing reading. As it stands, I can't follow it.

Maybe someone who is a little more scifi would be a better bet for reviews on this.

Sorry. *Frown*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Karma  
Review by Sorji
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I already sent you an official review of Chapter 1, which is off to a great start. I love the unique blend of Space+Fantasy+Tech. Some of the details feel like it comes from a video game, which I think will net you some readers who also game. I hope you keep the story moving forward and see where it goes.

Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Karma  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I read through the chapter. The melding of magic and science is kind of cool. It
> comes off sort of video game-esque (some elements heavily hearken back to Final Fantasy
> 8).
>
> I spotted a few times where you slipped between past tense and present tense, sometimes in
> the same sentence. It looks like you've committed to present tense, so I would just do
> a control+F search for ed and make sure you catch those few past verbs.
>
> I did find a few things you might want to look over, which I have listed below. Overall,
> it's interesting. Space + Tech + Fantasy, not something you see every day. And you
> have a great set up for your readers to get to know your main character.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
> "However, due to its limitations, fuel, metals, and gas remain a required resource to
> power machines and keep facilities operational should the situation requires it." -
> This sentence feels weird because there is both required and requires. I'm not really
> even sure I understand it, but I would consider revising it.
>
> The facility is a combination of magic and modern technology as goers stand on bright
> floating glyphs and teleport from one end of the room to the other while forklifts beep
> along the smooth metal surface. He cruises through the populated cargo area and into the
> hallway.
> He walks down a metal, gold-colored hall with fluorescent lights leading to various shops
> ranging from clothes stores and game rooms. He stops at a flat touch screen with a sign
> that says “Spells” on top. - Weird spacing between these two paragraphs. You could
> probably get away with combining them into one, but you could also fix this by putting
> another space between the two, if you'd rather.
>
> His keeps his mind blank - He
>
> A wave of stress course through his body - courses. Also, I'm not sure stress is the
> right word here. Maybe energy or tension?


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12
12
Review of The Siege  
for entry "On the run
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like where your story is going and the dwarves in the middle of the action. I do, however, see an opportunity here. I see a lot of telling (just talking about the fine-crafted arrows made of bone) instead of showing. If you back your scene up a little bit to before the chase began, your dwarves can spot the goblins and talk to each other about the arrows instead of having an info-dump about them mid-chase. It takes the reader out of the action and makes the scene drag.

Also, I see spots where you could be more concise. For example:

His forehead was dripping with sweat [from the continuous running]. - You don't need anything after "sweat." The reader knows he's running.

but Jarik could [already] see [multiple small goblin] shadows jumping down from the rooftops, [with] their knives shining in the twilight. - You don't need any of the stuff in the brackets. Some description is good, but "shadows" being plural covers "multiple," and we already know the goblins are chasing them. This just cleans it up a little.

Also, I didn't find any spelling errors.

I hope this helps.


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13
13
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fun, little read and informative to boot! I absolutely agree that having some time to relax and get some fresh air on the beach must sound pretty good when you've been living in a tube in the ocean for so long. It's important work, but I bet it's a nice little perk to have a place to go like that.

Anyway, I didn't fins any spelling or grammatical errors, and I might just have to check out "Adventure's at Sea" when I have a few minutes.

Thanks for the read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know this isn't a new poem, but I hope you'll accept my compliments on this one anyway.


I like this poem! It rhymes, had a ton of imagery, and talks about one of my favorite things: butter! *Smile*

I like the rhyme scheme you chose because it doesn't feel forced. It feels like you got to use some great words within the confines of the rhyme and style. You also chose some great words.

I loved that I could see someone making butter in my mind and know that it wasn't all about the butter. It's about the process and diligence of getting the job done right, not because it's easy but because it is the goal. Or, at least, that's what I got out of it.

I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation. It looks awesome! Thank you for sharing this piece on the site!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is cool because there is a lot of action going on right off that bat in Chapter 1. That being said, if Stacey is the main character, you might want to make this Chapter 2 and spend Chapter 1 introducing your readers to your main character with some less-exciting stuff.

I think I kind of know where you're going with this. It definitely has like a "Men in Black"/"Supernatural" feel. That's cool, as long as you have somewhere more exciting to go from here. This bad guy seems pretty powerful, so make sure your future bad guys can ramp up the action as you go.

I see a lot of tense shift in your writing. Several times, even within the same sentence. Make sure you're keeping it consistent. This is mostly a proofreading thing. I cannot stress this enough. Proofread, proofread, and proofread again because Spellcheck isn't going to catch that.

It looks like you're off to a pretty good start story-wise. I found a few errors within this chapter for you to glance over, which I have listed below. Overall, this piece has a lot of potential.

Good luck and keep on writing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

taps/sticks/shouts/ect. - It looks like most of your story is in past tense, so watch out for tricky little buggers like this.

“I’m late for one, two, I’ve got a presentation and to top it all off… - Two should start it's own sentence.

burly, male - Don't need this comma because male is not a descriptor here. It is a noun.

scream, but felt - No comma here either because the stuff after the "but" can't be it's own sentence.

for some unknown reason - We don't need this.

skewed - skewered

strong crazed lunatic - Here's where you need that comma. Strong and crazed are both descriptors, so a comma goes between them.


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16
16
Review of AvireX  
Review by Sorji
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is really cool. It reads like a rap in my mind. However, it is a little hard on the eyes. If I were you, I would consider putting the lines in a column (standard poem format) either left-justified or centered. It also makes it easier to see where you've got some slant rhymes and such going on that a reader might otherwise miss when it's in this big block format. Good content, though!


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17
17
Review of Lady Jayne  
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (3.0)
I can see you're a budding author here. The story is interesting, but you have some mechanical issues going on here, the smallest one being:

"Ahhh" The scram came - You need punctuation in those quotes. "Ahhh!" Also, I think you mean scream here.

Tense shift - Your first paragraph seems to be in present tense, and later you switch to past tense. Either one is fine, but I would pick one and make sure the entire piece conforms to that.

Point-of-view shift - Some parts say "I" while others say "He." Again, either is fine, but you'll want to make sure that it is constant throughout.

I hope this helps you with editing and your future writings! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Love is complex  
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem has good flow and content. Your rhymes are very crisp and well-thought-out. The only suggestions I would make is that I would add punctuation. You use capitalization to show the start of a new sentence, but it doesn't look right without it and enjambment doesn't apply to them.

Looks good! Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I'm going to start my review by saying that it looks like you're right on track for your story. The action is good, the story is interesting so far, the dialogue is good, and it's a little bit different from all of the "Vampires x Werewolves" stuff that's already out there.

A couple of things that you might want to watch for that I noticed, you tense-switch a lot. There's "He watched" and then there's things like "She smiles." You're going to want to pick one tense and roll with it because you can't really live in both then and now. Most fiction is written in past tense, but there's no hard-and-fast rule if you think you would rather keep it current. It's just something that I ran into a few times through the chapters.

Also, make sure you are putting proper punctuation at the end of dialogue. Some lines just end with a quotation mark and no punctuation before the tag. I picked a couple of them out below, but there might be a few more. It's a small fix, but it is something that an editor would look at if you ever went on to try to get published.

I have a few fixes that I would suggest listed below, but overall, I think it's going well so far. I like what you have. You just need to make sure that your story stands out against "Underworld," "Twilight," and those other big ones out there so that your future fans can pick your story out of the line-up.

I hope this helps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

" I know. Wait here, sir" The butler replied - You need some punctuation at the end of that "sir. Also, there's an extra space at the beginning
enters - entered
“Yes Milady” – There's not punctuation here
answers. – answered
desert eagle – I think this gets capitalized because it's a proper noun (the name of a specific type of gun. Might want to look it up, though)
werewolf now wounded rolled - separate your clauses with commas; "werewolf, now wounded, rolled..."


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20
20
Review of Light  
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love when a short poem can capture a lot of imagery and feeling. I feel like this poem has done it well. Without mentioning where the speaker is or what is really happening around them, I was suddenly transported to a church with a big stained-glass window where two people were getting married. I don't know if that's really what you were getting at, but I like that the words became something more and can be interpreted in a lot of ways. Some poems don't quite get there.

Anyway, I can see that this is an older poem, but I hope served you well and that you're still out there writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Sorji
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Alrighty. As per usual, I'm going to start with the story stuff. The story is interesting and keeps the reader's attention. There is good imagery, and the voices are personified well. The ending is cool because it keeps the reader thinking about what is actually going on and might keep them wanting more.

There were a couple of things that kept coming up as far as errors are concerned. Make sure you are separating your descriptors with commas. "Big, green apple." "Shiny, red firetruck." Things like that.

That being said, too many descriptors will cause your readers to trip over content, so you might want to keep an eye on that.

Lastly, and this is more of a suggestion than an error thing, too many adverbs are not a good thing. Slowly comes up a lot. Keeping some in is fine, but you can create conciseness by taking some out. If there is a low-action point, you don't need "slowly." You can also swap out phrases like instead of "He slowly walked."--"He crept." See? Concise but still close to what you were getting at. It's just a suggestion, though. I still use some adverbs in my work, but cutting down on them makes yours sentences less troublesome to get through.

Overall, this is a great start to a budding novel. I am curious to see where it goes and hope you'll continue on.

Below, I have listed little things that you might want to take a second glance at (some of which are covered by things I have already mentioned).

I hope this helps you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

his strong muscular arms- comma between strong and muscular because they both describe the arms
for a while. – Don’t need that.
was three-feet – no hyphen unless you mean three-foot
pointed shaft – I think you mean head. The shaft is wood
slimy green serpent’s head – comma between slimy and green
The shaft pierced – spear, not shaft
four-feet – no hyphen
how old he was and how he – I would change and to or
cliff, and – no comma
fall slowly – Don’t need slowly.
wet thin clothing – Or thin.
he got from hunting – or any of this
backpack, and – no comma
class room – one word. Classroom
his left chest. – Breast instead of chest
Finally, he came – arrived, not came. What you have isn’t incorrect, but the wording has other connotations. Best to be clear.
“Y-O-U A-R-E T-R-A-P-P-E-D H-E-R-E. G-E-T O-U-T.” – The form of this is fine, but it doesn’t make sense. Telling someone that they are trapped AND to get out is weird. I would suggest either “GET OUT NOW” or “YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE” or something like that. The two statements together is what makes it weird.


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22
22
Review of Fruit Basket  
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can see that I have run into an older poem in your portfolio through the review mixer (2004), but I figured I would still throw in my two cents, if you don't mind.

I found myself rereading this one because I originally read it as "self-evident," which didn't make sense to me. After reading it again, I feel like I understand what the speaker is getting at, and I can appreciate the message. Who a person is at work is not who they are at home with their loved ones. I feel that I, and several people I know personally, embody this idea and that it is important to have these separate selves. It is a truth.

Also, I like the way you separated your stanzas and your form in general. It has a very interesting effect on the reader.

I didn't see any spelling/grammar/punctuation errors either.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem!


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23
23
Review of Now That’s All  
Review by Sorji
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can see that this is an older poem for you (2009), but I thought I would toss in my two cents anyway. I like that there is a lot of feeling in this poem. The structure and rhyming scheme is well-crafted. At first I thought it was a sonnet because the first line of the second stanza contains some of the last line of the first stanza, but the third stanza doesn't follow the scheme. The form is still good, though. I just thought I would point that out.

I had to read this one again because I caught the feeling of it but missed the action (what was actually happening). It is just a little vague, but that is not a bad thing. It makes your reader think and reread it.

I did not see any spelling/grammatical/punctuation errors.

Overall, this is a very well-crafted poem, and I enjoyed reading it.


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24
24
Review by Sorji
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You were right. This isn't the type of thing that I normally review, but I figured I would take a look anyway. In general, it feels like you got your point across, which is one of the key components of good writing. I did see some room for improvement, but I think you are well on your way to having a fine piece. Here are a few things that I think could improve it.

First, I like that you explain some of the rules of cricket because that helps people like me, who don't know the rules of cricket very well, to better understand the story. However, putting things in parentheses draws the reader out of the story, so perhaps you could just explain the rules outright. What you have there is enough to help your reader understand it, but no parentheses.

In general, your spelling and grammar was pretty good, but here are a few spots that you might want to look over.

Closer – I think you were going for close

bowl ed – bowled, no space

These two run in our minds. - I'm not sure what you were going for here exactly, but it seems like what you mean to say is that the both of you were mindful of these rules. This sentence just needs some reworking is all.

continue for 6 – At some points, you write out the number and some you don't. The general rule is that single and double-digit numbers get spelled out. When you get to those high numbers (146), just putting the numbers is fine.

close of the stumps - close to the stumps

bad, some of them are great. - These could be two separate sentences or you can add a 'but' after the comma to connect them.

It won't. Because you are not doing anything. - I would make this one sentence or take out the 'because' to add intensity.

Despite these little fixes, this is well-written, and I wish you well in the contest.

I hope this was helpful.


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25
25
Review by Sorji
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a good rhyming scheme going on here that is fun to read. I also like that it looks like long hair with a ponytail in it. One thing that strikes me a little weird is that it changes from couplets to quatrains. I can see how that helps with the image of the hair. It just feels weird to me that it changes format.

In general, I like this poem. It is light and fun to read.

Keep on writing!


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