Nekogal,
You have a nice poem hear. Although I do wish the last line was worded differently. >>But shall I always wait? sounds better to me. But it's your poem, do as you wish. And always see what others think first. Hope this helps, overall a very nice piece of work.
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within!
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Maria-n,
The clouds of gray envelop your soul in this poem. I hope times are brighter now.
I like the poem, but I would consider changing the title. Gray inside darkness, something to that nature.
These are just my thoughts, consider what others think before changing anything. Good write!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Zuly,
This a good write. Dark, but a good write. May this bring some ray of sunshine into your soul. I also sympathize with you as well.
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Hello Miss Momo,
I enjoyed this write. Sounds as though you were born a mermaid, then became miss momo.
Favorite line; The peace is only there when I'm immersed.
Least fav. line; I cry when I'm not wet;
Consider- I cry to become wet or something of that nature. Or, keep it the way you have it!
Wonderful words for imagery, keep on writing!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Good job goddess,
I liked the flow and imagery. There's only one word I didn't care for- surmise. Favorite-the second sentence in the last stanza- Always saying "next time"
present forgotten between planning and past. That is awesome! Keep up the good work. You don't have to change that one word, see what others think.
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within. Frank
Kohi,
I believe this to be a nice gesture to your friend who's died. I'm sorry for your loss, but never-the-less, it helped you write this poem!
I think you have a nice poem here. I'm pretty sure you know what the answer is...have I?
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank
Jennifer,
First of all, don't be too rough on yourself. Things take time. Rewrite your portfolio please. ok?
Alright, 1st poem in my opinion just needs a little polishing up, perhaps make a couplet. 2 lines with a space in between the next 2 lines. Always cap. the first letter of each word in title.
2nd poem I would leave it like it is for now. See what others think. Take care and good luck.
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within Frank
Richard,
I'm not one for prose normally, but you did a great job here. The imagery used, or described is vivid!
Reminds me of summer days, daisies and dandelions.
Thanks for the memories. Good write, and keep forging ahead!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Terrrific! Wouldn't change a thing Kat. This is very fluid, while telling a wonderful little story that everyone needs to take to heart. Great write!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Jan,
I love your imagery about jack frost and the numbness of winter. Good write! I wish you could rhyme that last stanza better with 'fingerprints'. Good luck!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Good job! The only thing is I wish it was longer.
I'm being selfish, but I'll bet you could come up with some more. Keep on thinking of all that falls to be reborn anew. Hope this helps. Have a good one!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Good Write! You projected imagery very well. I almost got lost in "Tomorrow is almost here, almost gone"
The passage of time is hard to keep up with. It also is the name of one of my poems. check it out if you have time.
The last stanza is excellent! don't change it!
Just being picky but Im needs an ' as in; I'm cautious
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Good write Leslie,
I really like the imagery and the story portayed. The only thing I would suggest for input would be;
1. put a comma after the first "people" in 2nd line.
2. perhaps change "stretch of sidewalk" to sand, dirt, something of that nature.
For high school this is a good piece of writing. Just polish it up a little if you want, or see what others say. Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within!
Frank, aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
I loved it!
In the 3rd stanza, I would change the last 2 lines around. This is my opinion. You did an awesome job with this one. Have a great holiday.
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Celeste,
The only thing I would change, (or add & edit) is the second line in the first stanza. Perhaps something to the nature of; Now the face of dark death was born
Some people say all first letters of each line should be capitalized, That's for you to judge. These are just my opinions, see what others think before changing. You have a great poem here about nature!
I know being from Kansas. Keep pushing the pen from what comes within. Frank aka TBW
I like the idea of writing on the spot! The only thing I would add is a title and a space between every other line. (couplet) I believe every poem should have a title, it's like a kid without a name I once heard. I'd suggest 'goodbye girl' or something a little darker. I like the flow and choice of words. Keep up the good work!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within. Frank aka TBW
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