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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/franksimon/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/1
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213 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of I Lost My Wife  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Norman,

I saw this poem in the read and review section, so here are my thoughts.

Overall: I neglected to read the description of the poem at first. I read the first stanza and thought, "Wow, that's tough." Then as I read the next two stanzas was more intrigued. Then nearly fell over laughing reading the last stanza, as well as the final two lines. Thinking she died, instead of "lost", as in, gone astray. So, Well Done! You reel in the reader and don't let go. This is a well written poem, you did a fine job with this piece.

Edit/Grammar: I wouldn't change a word, I saw no grammar errors. However, I do wish you would use some more punctuation. You used one comma on the last line.
I would at least have added an exclamation point on the last two lines at least. Or for the meager comma at the end of line 2, and period at the end of each stanza. But to each his own, these are my thoughts.

Favorite part: The whole final stanza brings it all home, so to speak. Haha

Great one Norman!

Regards,
TBW
2
2
Review of Old Man Winter  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Greg,

I saw this poem in the read and review section, so these are my thoughts for this poem, Old Man Winter.

Overall: Nice job Greg, being from Kansas I certainly understand how the cold wind cuts right through a person at times. You hit the nail on the head describing his antics and how terrible he makes us feel. Very good descriptions of the cold and challenges he presents.

Edit/Grammar: In my opinion, the first stanza with the last line starting out should read, Makes you slip on the ice,...
Also, you might check with others. But I believe some of your commas chop up your sentence and should be omitted. The 2nd and 3rd line in first stanza should be removed to help these lines flow better. The last line of the 2nd stanza also. Possibly, "He'll make you go off the road and end up in the ditch"

As far as editions go, my preference is to have the meter even. Count the syllables in each line and lose some of the filler words. 13 for each line would make it sound better to my ear. Remember, these are my thoughts. Do what you want because it's your work.

Favorite Part: Coughing and sneezing, he just laughs at your condition.
Out to make you miserable, he's on a mission.

With a little polishing up I believe this could be a great piece Greg. If you want to add and edit, I would be glad to re-rate this if your interested? This is a good poem.

Regards,
Frank
3
3
Review of Untitled  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, and welcome to the Wdc. I hope you find some friends here to relate to.

We have something in common. Actually my 21 year old daughter and I have anxiety also. I'm battling depression as well as other health issues beyond my reach.
I saw a different poem in the read and review section, then I seen your Untitled poem. So here is my rating and review for this poem.

Untitled-
Overall: Awesome! You have rage and anger wanting to make you do bad things. But then you rationalize that you want to make decisions for the better, or what's proper and best for you. This a good poem to help others realize that life isn't unicorns and rainbows for all young folks. (sometimes its jackasses and thunderstorms) It's good for the soul to write down how you are feeling because others can truly relate with this.Hopefully it helps benefit someone.

Edit/Grammar: I saw two small grammar issues. A comma after aggression, and the very first I isn't capitalized. You may want to change the two long lines so it is more uniform? But this isn't really a grammar issue, it's my ocd! Lol

Favorite part: There's progression in my aggression, but I am trying not to stress. This says you are angry, but your trying to cope and stay rational.

P.s. Someone on this site said a poem without a title is like a baby without a name. In my opinion, I would make it the last 3 words of the poem. Rage to rest. But whatever you decide is fine. Remember these are my thoughts so take my advice if you want to, or don't. It's your poem.
If you ever feel overwhelmed, just ask. People here are willing to help, but you have to let us know. If you reach out, we will meet you.

Take care, good luck, and keep on writing.
Regards,
Frank
4
4
Review of I Didn't Expect  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Beholden,

I can truly relate with this poem. I remember my parents always saying how time flies,
But certainly seemed to drag and take it's sweet time when you're 10. Now we're all
starting our 3rd decade of this century.

I love your lines of, passing sands through
careless fingers fall, a passing scene, lightning bolt, hidden dreams...

With age comes wisdom, to be handed down to our youth, it is hoped they listen.

Nice job,
TBW

5
5
Review of no more you and i  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Kathy,

First of all, welcome to the Wdc! I hope you enjoy your stay with us?

I noticed this in the read and review section, so here are my thoughts.

Overall: Wonderful. I bought two guitars in the past year, so I can relate to this. I can imagine you, or somebody singing this in front of a crowd. It is a rather sad and sorrowful song. But these are the feelings most of us have felt before when breaking up with someone.

Edit/Grammar: I didn't see any issues as far as grammar. The only thing I didn't care for was the cliche saying in verse 3, "And the silence was deafening!" If you had a different line there i think it would sound better. These are my thoughts, so do what you want with my advice.

Favorite part: All of verse 2, and the first 4 lines of verse 3 rock! These are some good lines for a song and/or poem.

Sending you some gift points since you're fairly new to the site. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Take care, and regards,
TBW

6
6
Review of Underestimated  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Percy Goodfellow,

I saw this poem in the read and review section, so here are my thoughts.

Overall: Wonderfully written and a happy ending make this poem awesome!
A girl asks for permission to ride a skateboard. Wherein the owner of the skateboard asks her if she's ready for the dangerous risk. She gives a simple answer to relax the owner. Thus surprising the owner by doing a great trick and blows the owners mind. Thus a very good title to this piece!

Edit/Grammar: No grammar issues, and wouldn't change a thing.

Favorite part: The final stanza. The reader, in my case, was left smiling when I finished the last line. So this is an inspirational poem as well! Nice One!

Regards,
Frank
7
7
Review of One Poem  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello winklett,

I seen this poem on the read and review section and so here are my thoughts on this piece.

Overall: Awesome write! Very ingenious to write about "the same old poem".
And to say it in a matter that at first I thought was hilarious. Then I seen the description and realized it's more tragic and torment. This would be terrible to only write the same old poem repeatedly. I love the metaphor of a needle scratching and skipping lyrics on a vinyl album!

Edit/Grammar: I saw no grammar issues, and have nothing to ad or edit. Good job!

Favorite part: "pennies camouflaged in a bronze canyon". "The needle screaming sotto voce in a whisper". Wonderful job!

Regards,
Frank
8
8
Review of Petals of love!  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Kalai,

I found this in the read and review portion of our site. Here are my thoughts about this poem. Petals of Love-

Overall: A beautifully written and heartfelt poem of a chilly wind while gazing at a flower. At first the writer is warmed by thoughts of love fighting off the cold. Then the cold comes back again, but the writer is still warmed by precious thoughts of love.

Edit/Grammar: The first half of the poem doesn't rhyme, while lines 8, 9, and 10 all rhyme together. The final 2 lines rhyme well together as well.
this doesn't really matter too much. But, personally I think could be better by rhyming the whole poem. If this wasn't your purpose then disregard. These are my thoughts only. I thought about dropping the word and* in the beginning of line 11. But I'll leave that up to you. I saw no grammar issues.

Favorite part: Blessed moments of love, unwind my chambers of heart! This speaks volumes Kalai! Love it!

Awesome poem, thanks for sharing.

Peace,
Frank
9
9
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hell jinks,
First of all welcome to WDC! Glad to have you with us. Second, I saw this poem in the Read and review section of this site. So hear are my thoughts on this piece. Do what you want with my advice.

Overall: A wonderful tribute to a very special person that is near and dear to your heart. This is also called an elegy. A poem or song for a loved one. I can tell they were close to you.

Edit/Grammar: 4th line of 2nd stanza I believe should be knew, not know.
4th line 3rd stanza should be live, not love. Unless you want to say, your legacy of love will live on...and the following line says this again. Hope that's clear and/or helps?
I saw no grammar challenges to speak of.

Favorite part: The final line, this brings everything together and gives closure.

Take it or leave it, and keep up the good work.

Peace,
Frank
10
10
Review of I'm Not Done Yet  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello R. Engels,
I seen your poem in the weekly poetry newsletter and so here are my thoughts about this poem.

Overall: Awesome write! You see yourself as not being worthy to have a good time without drugs and alcohol.
You've seen trauma and sadness and this fuels your wanting to escape and to put it behind you. After misfortunes and the psych ward you come to realize that there is something worth living for. You've stopped beating yourself up and quit drinking which makes you feel better physically. Making the end of the poem very inspirational for yourself and the others who care about you.Thus visualizing that hope and love aren't so bad thing after all.

Editions/grammar: I saw no grammar challenges. The only recommendation is the 1st stanza in the last line. I would loose the words And* and are*. The lines getting deeper... this flows better and makes all 4 lines have 11 syllables.
Even if you don't care about the meter so much, it sounds better to the ear by not using And too much.

By the way welcome to WDC! I'm sending you some gift points since you're new to this crew. You have a good gift, so I wish you well and hope you keep pouring out good poems.
This is one fine job here.

Regards,
Frank

11
11
Review of Poetry  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I saw this piece on the read and review section, so here are my thoughts.

Overall: Wonderful job! You explain how writing helps you clear your mind and recomposes yourself. Then you feel down again for the emptiness in clearing your head. Well written, and you do a fine job of making the reader visualize your emotions. We as writers know all to well you're point of view.

Edit/Grammar: I didn't see anything I would change as far as the body of the poem. But I did see one word that needs changed. Then* is the first word of the 4th last line should be Than. Unless you make the previous word have a period.
i.e. I would rather take that. Then the emptiness...otherwise it should read,
I would rather take that. Than the ...
I hope that helps?

Favorite part: The middle- like taking out the trash. It grows full and then needs dumped onto paper...

Awesome job with this, and I can truly relate!

Rock and Write On!
Frank
12
12
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,
I saw this in the read and review section, so here are my thoughts.

Overall: Love it! You start out uncertain, then with hope and prayer realize things aren't so bad after all. Uplifting and inspirational for all walks of life.

Edit/Grammar: Possibly, service with a smile. Now it does not feel- could have a little more in those lines to flow with the rest of the poem? But this does work, so take this with a grain of salt. I didn't see any grammar challenges.

Favorite part: The last four lines. This ties everything together and completes your uplifting message!

Great job with this poem.

Rock and write on!
Frank
13
13
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Baloney Bill,

I saw this poem on the read and review section, so here are my thoughts on this poem.

Overall: Love it! Very nice picture painted with a boy and his dog relaxing after a hard days work.
This flows very well and I can identify with this immensely when I was younger.

Grammar/editions: I didn't see any grammar challenges. Take this with a grain of salt, possibly change the word "will" to with in 2nd stanza 2nd line. But upon further review, nope-wouldn't change a thing.

Favorite part: The whole last stanza! Far as the chores of another day...Awesome job.

Regards,
Frank
14
14
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

First of all, welcome to WDC! I hope you find your time here well spent.

I saw this poem in the read and review section, so here are my thoughts for this poem. It's my opinion to help you, so take it or leave it the way it is.

Overall: You did a nice job conveying your loathsomeness for the sun.

Grammar/editions: In the 1st stanza, face and dazed aren't really working as a rhyme. This is a sight rhyme, but doesn't sound good to the ear. Perhaps race or case would work better?
In the 3rd stanza, sun and gone could also be redone. Perhaps done, run, etc.?
And the very last word, end should have an "s" to rhyme with friends.
(If I get in a bind I like to use rhymezone for a reference at times)

My favorite part: The hotness, the dryness of the land. Making me wet for opening my sweat gland. Love these lines!

Since you are new to this site, I'm giving you some extra gift points to enjoy.

Again, these are my thoughts. I found that saying my poems out loud helps with rhymes better. Have a good day and a great weekend!

Write On!
TBW
15
15
Review of Sleepless  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

(I have a similar poem, but I like yours better.) I'm giving this review of my own thoughts so take the advice or not.

Overall: A well written poem about insomnia and all of the crazy ways a person acts during the time when we just can't sleep. Good stuff.

Edit/grammar: Not an expert on this, but I believe the line with, "Oh no should have the exclamation point next to the o on No. i.e. Oh no!

Favorite line: The last two lines were good.

Good job and keep on writing.

Take care,
TBW
16
16
Review of Song of love  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello C. H. Townsend,

These are my thoughts on your poem Song of Love.

Overall; This is a fine love poem/romance. It's light and sweet, one can almost feel the honey dripping from the page. Lol But seriously, you did a fine job.

Edit/grammar; I didn't see any issues with grammar, but the 3rd stanza in the 2nd line. I believe friend should have an 's' on it to be a complete rhyme for 'ends'. This would read as- friends, ends.

Favorite part; The final stanza. Brings it all together and is music to the ears. Good job!

These are my thoughts, do with them what you would like.

Regards,
TBW

17
17
Review of Silence is Golden  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Norbanus,

These are my thoughts for your review of Silence is Golden:

Overall; A very succinct poem with a lot of truth and advice on the subject of silence.

Edit/grammar; No issues seen or to recommend.

Favorite part; The final two lines, this truly brings it all together, and should resonate with most people.

Fine job.

Regards,
TBW
18
18
Review of No Regrets  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Patrick,

These are my thoughts on this piece:

Overall; A well written piece about the pangs and sorrow of regret. Well thought out and translates great
images to get your meaning across.

Edit/grammar; No issues seen, and rhymes were fine.The fifth stanza has more of a visual rhyme, is-miss.
But as I said, I think it's fine.

Favorite part; The 3rd last stanza, "letting hope and love fill that empty space."

Great job Patrick!

Regards,
TBW



19
19
Review of Erosion  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Fyn,

These are my thoughts on this poem.

Overall; Beautiful, very poignant view of the slow slippage of memories failing to come to mind.
I like the way you describe the decline.

Edit/grammar; No issues needing addressed that I saw.

My favorite part is the final stanza. The way you bring it all together as though a wave could wash the loved one back home. Great poem Fyn!

I can truly relate to this piece. I live with my mother-in-law who has the grand daddy of dementia's, Alzheimer's. She was my 3rd grade teacher the first year she came to our home town. It is truly a very sad disease to watch them slowly slip away. Thanks for sharing.

Take care,
Frank

20
20
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Chris,

These are my thoughts on this poem:

Overall: Love it! Great job of using the many other names for God. I like how you make it all come together in the last 2 lines. Good old fashioned poem.

Edit/ grammar: No issues seen.

God Bless you and yours, have a good one.

Regards,
TBW
21
21
Review of In Your Eyes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello LadyLeo,

These are my own thoughts for this poem:

Overall; A great poem that I think your sister should feel proud to receive.
Very kind and thoughtful sentiments of your sibling. Great job!

Edit/punctuation; The only real issue I saw was the 4th stanza in the 3rd line. I believe that
*show, should be shown. As it is past tense.

The title at first had me a little stumped, but after re-reading, I think it i fine.

Great job with this piece, and welcome to Wdc!

Take care,
TBW

22
22
Review of August  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sir,

I'm giving you a rate and review in my own opinion of this piece.

Overall: I liked your vivid poem about how hot and nasty the month of August is. Very good adjectives are used to describe it perfectly. Your title works well with the poem.

Edit/punctuation: I saw no grammar problems. I get hung up on the first and 3rd line though as far as rhyming. (orm and arm) Perhaps something else could be used? But see what others think also.

This is a good poem, keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
TBW

23
23
Review of In the Trenches  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Judi,

I just read your poem and loved it!
I normally write rhyming poems and so a little learning curve for me to navigate.
But, I can see why you won! Great write.

Have a good one.
Frank
24
24
Review of Rising  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Keith,

I forgot to say in my previous email, Welcome to the WDC!
This is a great place to learn, and be with those who share your passion for writing.

Overall;
This is a very nice story you have hear. I like the way you build the story and then give it "wings". A great way to end, on a high note.

Grammar/punctuation;
I usually read poems and seldom stories, however, I thought more line breaks were needed. But see what others think who have more expertise than me. As far as punctuation, I saw nothing that needed attention.

Editions;
Wouldn't change a thing.

This is a fine job Keith, keep up the good work. I wish you much success at this fabulous site.

Peace,
Frank
25
25
Review of The sand timer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ashley,

First of all welcome to this site, Wdc. is a great community!
Please accept some gift points to welcome you and for getting off to a great start.

These are my thoughts for this piece:the sand timer.

Overall; a well written poem about the grains of sand in an hourglass that articulates how life and time passes. Lastly,
to start anew and get going before life passes us by.

Punctuation/grammar; I saw no errors with either one of these.

Change/edit; Ashley, your first two stanzas all rhyme in unison.
The 3rd stanza has the last two lines only rhyming. The 4th stanza has all but the 2nd line rhyming. The final stanza has only the first two lines rhyming.
I believe if you made all the stanzas the same, (all lines rhyming or 2nd and 4th lines only rhyming), this poem would flow better for the reader. In the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, I'm kinda lost when referring to a tree of life and 'walls' being climbed.
This isn't meant to knock you down for what you have, it's a fine poem. But with a little polish and "time" it could be a great poem.

Favorite part; the 4th stanza, time is out but just turn over the glass and you have a new start!

If you would like, I can re-review this piece after you have finished editing. You have a great talent, and I believe you can make this poem easier for the reader to comprehend.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. We are all trying to improve here. And welcome again Ashley!

Take care,
TBW


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