Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/franksimon/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
I saw this poem on the read and review section, so here are my thoughts on this poem.
Overall: Love it! Very nice picture painted with a boy and his dog relaxing after a hard days work.
This flows very well and I can identify with this immensely when I was younger.
Grammar/editions: I didn't see any grammar challenges. Take this with a grain of salt, possibly change the word "will" to with in 2nd stanza 2nd line. But upon further review, nope-wouldn't change a thing.
Favorite part: The whole last stanza! Far as the chores of another day...Awesome job.
Overall; This is a fine love poem/romance. It's light and sweet, one can almost feel the honey dripping from the page. Lol But seriously, you did a fine job.
Edit/grammar; I didn't see any issues with grammar, but the 3rd stanza in the 2nd line. I believe friend should have an 's' on it to be a complete rhyme for 'ends'. This would read as- friends, ends.
Favorite part; The final stanza. Brings it all together and is music to the ears. Good job!
These are my thoughts, do with them what you would like.
Overall; Beautiful, very poignant view of the slow slippage of memories failing to come to mind.
I like the way you describe the decline.
Edit/grammar; No issues needing addressed that I saw.
My favorite part is the final stanza. The way you bring it all together as though a wave could wash the loved one back home. Great poem Fyn!
I can truly relate to this piece. I live with my mother-in-law who has the grand daddy of dementia's, Alzheimer's. She was my 3rd grade teacher the first year she came to our home town. It is truly a very sad disease to watch them slowly slip away. Thanks for sharing.
Overall: Love it! Great job of using the many other names for God. I like how you make it all come together in the last 2 lines. Good old fashioned poem.
I just read your poem and loved it!
I normally write rhyming poems and so a little learning curve for me to navigate.
But, I can see why you won! Great write.
I forgot to say in my previous email, Welcome to the WDC!
This is a great place to learn, and be with those who share your passion for writing.
Overall;
This is a very nice story you have hear. I like the way you build the story and then give it "wings". A great way to end, on a high note.
Grammar/punctuation;
I usually read poems and seldom stories, however, I thought more line breaks were needed. But see what others think who have more expertise than me. As far as punctuation, I saw nothing that needed attention.
Editions;
Wouldn't change a thing.
This is a fine job Keith, keep up the good work. I wish you much success at this fabulous site.
First of all welcome to this site, Wdc. is a great community!
Please accept some gift points to welcome you and for getting off to a great start.
These are my thoughts for this piece:the sand timer.
Overall; a well written poem about the grains of sand in an hourglass that articulates how life and time passes. Lastly,
to start anew and get going before life passes us by.
Punctuation/grammar; I saw no errors with either one of these.
Change/edit; Ashley, your first two stanzas all rhyme in unison.
The 3rd stanza has the last two lines only rhyming. The 4th stanza has all but the 2nd line rhyming. The final stanza has only the first two lines rhyming.
I believe if you made all the stanzas the same, (all lines rhyming or 2nd and 4th lines only rhyming), this poem would flow better for the reader. In the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, I'm kinda lost when referring to a tree of life and 'walls' being climbed.
This isn't meant to knock you down for what you have, it's a fine poem. But with a little polish and "time" it could be a great poem.
Favorite part; the 4th stanza, time is out but just turn over the glass and you have a new start!
If you would like, I can re-review this piece after you have finished editing. You have a great talent, and I believe you can make this poem easier for the reader to comprehend.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. We are all trying to improve here. And welcome again Ashley!
Hello gogo,
First of all welcome to Wdc! then secondly, my thoughts and review of your piece.
Overall: Well done! You didn't curse or threaten.Which I like. You just explained how it is, and I must agree. You aren't any object, or a stone. You are a person who deserves and wants more out of life.
Edit/punctuation: I didn't see any problems with grammar or anything that needed editing.
Favorite part: Don't give part time people a full time position in your life. This speaks volumes. Love it.
First of all welcome to WDC. That said, this is my review on this piece.
Overall: Loved it! A solemn write about a pet bird that starts out slow. But then comes to life chatting up a storm that permeates your ears to this day. Until, that one day he sang his swan song. This is well written because I can sense the feelings of a lost friend.
Grammar/ punctuation: The only thing I seen would be to remove the word 'the' at the end of the 8th line. What you do is up to you. This is a small suggestion, it can stay the way it is too. Whatever you wish.
My favorite part: The internal rhyme of ...song he played for ears in my ears...
This is a good write and fine remembrance of a friend. Sort of an elegy really.
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
These are my thoughts on your piece, Rain fell tonight.
First I need to say, I usually like rhyming forms, but this caught my eye. I felt the same way you have about rain, and our ancestors and predecessors. Yet I am thinking, "Hooray! We got rain." then, "now I'll have to push the lawnmower again!" Lol.
Overall: A very insightful glance at what we have become, and where we came from. Well written and thought provoking.
Grammar/punctuation: I saw no errors, or anything needing attention.
Favorite part: The 4th stanza about listening to their advice. Also, the final sentence of, "I ache to once in my lifetime..." Well done Harry!
Take care, and keep pushing the pen that which comes from within.
These are my thoughts.
Overall; This is a beautifully written song/lyrics. I don't think I would change a thing. I would like to hear it play, but can make out a tune in my head. Meaning the words help the reader out.
Overall:
This is a great poem Hannah! The story you tell is vivid and keeps the reader drawn in. Wonderful job.
I saw no grammar or spelling errors. Though noted, I like the way you used the other past tense word for learn, instead of learned in the second last line.
Favorite part: The 5th stanza. Ditching pics and partnering up the kids to look at themselves. This is where the story turns around and begins to increase your confidence.
Wonderful job Hannah, keep pushing the pen from what comes within.
Overall; Beautiful poem about Nature. The shadows from the remaining sunlight and the dance that enfolds. Well written, painting a picture that calls one to listen closely as well as use their sight.
Punctuation/edit; The first stanza starts out as a 7-8, 7-8 syllable count. The 2nd is a 9-8, 8-9 count. The 5th stanza has a 7-6, and then 8-7 count. I believe if these were all consistent the meter or flow would be a little smoother. The last stanza has 8 for all four lines making it read easier. This doesn't mean you have to change your poem, to me it would sound better if tightened up a little. I saw no errors in spelling or grammar.
My favorite part; the whole 2nd and 4th stanzas are awesome! I love Nature poems the most.
These are my thoughts, you can take into consideration or leave it as is.
Overall - A good poem about longing for love that will never be obtained or reached. This is a good poem, but I just feel you should have 1 or possibly 2 more lines in the last stanza. Something that wraps her eyes, her voice, her hair, and your desire all together.
Then I would still use the last line to be last again. These are my thoughts, if you're happy with it, you can keep it the way it is.
Punctuation/edit - I saw no grammar errors, and any editing was mentioned above if you wish to change.
My favorite part - The fourth stanza. It resonates of true love and passion. This is a good write Oliver.
Overall a lovely poem about wanting the air to be brought back.
I can feel the heartache in your lines. Great job!
Spelling and punctuation;
The end of the 3rd stanza reads, "I felt like an empty frame where my picture away." I think this may be something to consider?
...an empty frame With my picture...See what you think.
My favorite part is the firrst and last stanzas. Beatiful.
These are my thoughts, and my review;
Overall, a beautiful poem that is sad, and yet filled with hope.
Although some of the rhymes need a little polishing up.
The 1st, 4th, and 5th stanzas are fine. The 3rd stanza needs attention the most. The rhymes don't go well and the last two lines sounded confusing. "Only You can see the whole The picture complete again. Do you think 'can see it whole is better?'
Spelling/punctuation is fine.
My favorite part; The last stanza. Especially the "only Him that can reach inside the adult...That's the Hope, things will get better. Well written, and with a little polishing can be a great poem.
If you would like, I will rate now. Then after you are through editing I will re-rate this piece?
Overall, A good poem that has fantasy, then turns tragic. The woman is everything except, the most important part. A mind. Great lines overall especially when describing your girl of your dreams.
I saw no punctuation errors/edit; none needed. I do like the alliteration throughout the poem.
My favorite part; Dark and daring, caramel and soot in accordance.
These are my thoughts on your poem;
Overall, I liked this poem very much! It's well written and I interpret the circle of life here. One must die so a new one can rise. Very good write!
I saw no punctuation or spelling errors.
There is nothing to change/edit, it stands on it's own as is.
My favorite part;
The whole thing, but mostly the last stanza. It resonates with me.
These are my thoughts after having read Victory Lap;
Overall, this is a great write James! I don't prefer free verse,(rhyming)
but this is well written using a great choice of words.
Very poignant view making it easier to follow with.
Spelling and/or editing;
No spelling errors, but need you to look at 2 things in the same line. The last line of the 4th stanza, A casualty of caused by your love... Was wondering if dropping the "of" sounds better?
The other thing was the last two words. 'being first best.' Does being first and best sound better? Or is this intentional?
These are the only things needing attention that I saw. The rest is good.
My favorite part; The very last line, and the 3rd stanza.
These are my thoughts James, Good job and write On!
This reminds me of our house! Somewhat. This poem is a true delight to read. I was giggling and enjoying and then...the last two stanzas bring me back to reality. Bittersweet and meaningful.
I found no errors in punctuation. The meter seemed a little short at times on a few lines but is clearly not worth changing because it works.
I really liked this letter. It was insightful, and I'm glad you went with your gut. Reason does not always work in life. Many things are beyond reasoning.
My favorite part is: The job of our gut is to guide us to our most beneficial parallel.
Edit/change: I think the comma after the word gut in the above sentence isn't needed.
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