Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/franksimon/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
These are merely my opinions, take them or leave them.
I would lose the word 'that' in the 3rd line and the question mark
at the end. Other than that, it's a dark poem that hits home!
Well written, keep up the good work and welcome to WDC!
Hi JStory,
Gotta go with the dragons dude because they have magical power according to someone. Haha Chinese I believe.
Check out the pants Jimmy Page wore with the colorful dragons in the mid 70's. (Led zeppelin)
Vampires are the bloody undead.
Hammer the stake while in bed.
Werewolves hate to see full moons.
Shoot a bullet from silver spoons
But dragons always mystify.
Spitting fire but yet also fly!
Took about 20 minutes for that rhyme. Thanks for unplugging my writers block!
This list gave me a good laugh. I'm 47 and thinning on the corners. But I'm laughing while I still can.
No. 8 was my favorite other than No. 1. Great list Larry.
Hello Larry,
Welcome back to WDC! It's great to have to back, from one Kansas native to another.
This is a very moving piece. Solemn, yet needs to be said. I liked your choice for words as well.
Vivid with flowing lines, you've done a wonderful job here Larry.
Again, glad to have you back! I'll be popping in to r and r some other works of yours also.
I liked this poem overall!
From loss to losing what is nearest to you now, certainly strikes a chord. And your last stanza is superb!
This poem is in need of a little polishing up though in my opinion. The 2nd and final stanza rhyme on
lines 2 and 4, but the others don't. If you could come up with something closer, I believe this would
stand as a stronger piece. 1 more, have you thought of losing the commas and just use periods on
lines 2 and 4 of each stanza? Just a suggestion. Do what sounds good to your ear when read aloud.
Beautiful words compose this poem. It's sad but true. It is also very solemn and poignant.
Great job!
Hello Christo,
You've done a superb job with this piece!
I can almost smell the lilac. But the rest of the meaning left me
hanging for more. This is going to be put on 'my faves' list dude!
This is one of the better poems I've read at this site.
I also enjoy a good game of disc golf. I've played 5 all over Kansas,
but nothing out of state.
I love the line, "the perfect perfume for a funeral."
I wouldn't change a thing. You have hit your mark.
Reads very well, and vivid descriptions. Again, fine job!
Hello wordgodess,
On behalf of the 40 + Group, I am giving you my review on this poem.
Overall: A quaint poem about the marching of soldiers. What ever happens
isn't revealed, adding a bit of enticement leaving the reader wanting more.
WONDERing what becomes of them is unknown. A short and sweet poem!
Structure: I like how it's written, and the rhymes are good.
Comments: I liked reading this poem. My only thought is that the word "only"
could be dropped altogether. This would help it flow better with lines 1 and 5.
(11syllables each) Line 3 has 12 syllables and the rhyme is lost with line 4.
These are merely my thoughts and comments, do as you wish for altering or
any changes made. Perhaps more reviews would help you decide as well.
This is a cool poem. I enjoyed your Acrostic form.
Hello April,
This is my review from the 40+ Group. I hope you find it helpful.
Overall: A very well written piece about love and the entanglements that come with it.
Wanting to give it away, but hurting at times by the way we are treated from it - love.
Structure: Very well written in iambic pentameter. Rhymes work evenly throughout the poem.
Comments: Nice work created here. My favorite line(s) are the whole 3rd stanza. awesome!
3rd stanza, 1st line, would you consider (with) for the word (to)? ...and cried with them to jest.
I enjoyed reading this lovely piece April! I hope you found this review helpful. Have a good one.
Hello Karen,
On behalf of the 40 + Group and the rest of the WDC folks, may I welcome you to the site! I hope you enjoy your stay with us. I've met some great people here, as I'm sure you will also in due time.
Overall: (I love this poem). For a love poem it works very well. Having only the 2nd and 4th line rhyme makes
it easier to tell this story without being too mushy. Yet it still gets the point across, longing for another and awaiting your dream cycle to meet again. Nice write!
Structure: This may be the only reason for not giving a 5. But if you had some lines closer to the same as others it would flow better. ie. line 2 has 5 syllables and line 14 has 10 syllables. This doesn't really matter as I said it is very good as it is. This is just my opinion.
Comments: A strong piece, enjoyed a lot! Could be polished a little or left alone. It is still a fine read.
Favorite line: Actually the last stanza. 8, 10, 9, 10 count flows great.
This is merely my opinion Karen. See what others think. And I hope you find this helpful.
Hello Chelsea,
What a fine poem about "true love". Fairy tale romance is just that, not true. Without the trials of going through the numbers, if you will, one shall never find the "soulmate" for life. To find out likes and dislikes, (faith, food, fashion, politics, to name a few) of Mr./Miss perfect, one learns more with each relationship. Some merely settle.
Ok, I'll step down off my soap box now.
Overall: I think this is a great poem. You explain rather easily and succinctly in a few lines that there is no such thing as a perfect world.
Structure: Short and sweet and to the point. This flows like a river, good job!
Comments: Perhaps if anything, change the semi-colon to a period in the 2nd stanza. Other than that, I would not change a thing!
As always, this is merely my opinion. See what others think before changing anything.
I really enjoyed this piece.
Hello Cassie,
You have a very nice poem here! I love your imagery with this piece. The dark and grey, (2nd line of each stanza)
or death. To green and light, ("new branches" and " forest so lush" or rebirth.
Overall: A very good poem that's easy to read with good meter. The only fault I see is the rhyme of "left" and "death". A slant rhyme in my opinion, but with the other lines put together so well. This is the only reason for not giving a 5 rating.
Structure: It works. With an 8-10-2 stanza count, could be polished up for say an 8-8-4 but this is ok.
Comments: Cassie you have done a wonderful job here. Take my opinion with a dash of salt!
See what others say first before considering changing anything. I enjoyed reading this very much!
My favorite lines are 1 thru 6 in the 2nd stanza. This speaks of human nature as well as mother nature.
Welcome to the site and have a good day! I think you have great potential in your future. Will try to get back to
view some of your illustrations.
Hello Jackie,
Overall: I think you have a fine poem here. My only thought is the title could be redefined. I truly like the way you
describe the one ray of sunshine trying to break through in the first stanza. As well the 2nd stanza in which you
describe the water washing over to renew again.
Structure: This form works well with the reader not being lost in the "grey". But rather enjoying the feeling as the sun and the rain cascades and rejuvenates the soul.
Comments: I only wish there was more! But this is sweet and inviting as the title doesn't imply.
A very fine write Jackie! Hope this helps.
These are only my thoughts and opinions. The ear and heart delight in this piece!
Overall:
What a powerful piece this is! Emotional and unforgiving. Wow, is all I can say.
Well written.
Structure:
I prefer rhyming poetry, but this is good. No confusion for this reader!
Comments:The only change I would consider is simply saying "it would be"
in the 4th from last line. Or, "Yet I think it too hard". Something to that nature?
As always, it is yours. Just giving my opinion. Change is up to you.
Congrats on placing 3rd!
I didn't give a five for the reason of using -free and -freed in back to back stanzas. (may sound weird,
that's me) I thought the 6th stanza could be better. Just take in good stride, these are just my opinions.
Take or leave, but at least you placed!!!
I wrote a rough draft of, Smooth as glass, but never completed.
(my bad)
Overall a good poem with smooth flow and rhymes. Good job Cpt. Mannings!
Great job duckbird!
I had a poem written but never add/edited to be worthy for the contest.
I can see why you won! Smooth meter and rhyme- just like waves.
Congratulations and seeing your new, welcome to the wdc!
Hello David,
I also enjoy the "classics" as the triple pen name implies. A belated welcome to WDC my friend from across the pond. (do folks say that anymore?) anyway...
This is very well written, and I like the way you've mentioned that glory truly is worth the sacrifice. Yet they ask nothing of us who seek help from danger summed up perfectly in the last 4 lines of the 2nd stanza. While asking forgiveness of one whom isn't mentioned in the last stanza, but knowing it is close to the parable, "Their is nothing greater than to give one's life for a friend." When actually they are strangers, but to them doesn't matter.
I would have given a 5 rating, but the last 4 lines in stanza 1 don't rhyme as the others, also the 1st two lines of stanza 3. But I'm sure by the talent you have showed here, this poem should be no problem to become even better!
JR,
This is a nice way of saying what we truly can't! (You know what I mean) I think it's funny you have the son in his mid-twenties. Yet, the son is telling Dear old Dad what the communication between people really is!
I think all writers share in his theory of enjoying "thoughts and feelings through the spoken and written word." Great job with this piece JR!
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within!
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Stealth,
The 4th line ~to~ should be too.
ok, it seems a bit awkward in the third stanza, just the word levee. I like what your trying to get across to the reader, but levee and the last line could be better. I know you are capable of this, judging by how the rest of the poem flows. I would be glad to review when you're finished. Just let me know.
Overall, a good write! Hope this helps.
Frank
Lynette,
I really like your poem. The first stanza, last two lines, and the first two lines of the fourth stanza seemed a stretch to me. If you could polish those up a little you would have a great poem here.
I wrote a poem similar to this titled Sunsets and Storms. If you wouldn't mind giving me an r and r. Being from Kansas I've had plenty of insight in the matter of storms. Sounds like you have too!
Have a good one and keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank
Kaya,
Wonderful job with this subject. This is a beautiful poem, keep up the good work. I did notice one small adjustment, second last line has an extra space between and>>life. I love your sense of humor as well in your bio. I feel much the same way. If you ever get athletes foot, it's time to pull your foot from your mouth. haha
Keep pushin' the pen from what comes within.
Frank aka Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/franksimon/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.37 seconds at 6:54pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
