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1,357 Public Reviews Given
2,802 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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76
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Review of Tomorrow  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Got to love thinking and having a poem bop you in the head! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter. ~fyn
77
77
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed this immensely. And, I'm using it in this week's Poetry Newsletter! ~fyn
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78
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using this in this week's Poetry newsletter. Love the sharing the spark idea! Well done! ~fyn
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79
Review of Fairytale  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Loved this! Loved the journey of the poem, the circling round but to a new happy ending. The whole 2nd stanza is really well put together. Do suggest the last stanza use the proper capitalization though. :) ~Fyn
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Review of Keyboard  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was fun!

Hmmm - wonder what on earth MY keyboard thinks!! LOL

I'm using it as an editor's pick in this week's For Author's Newsletter. ~fyn
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81
Review of A SIGHT TO BEHOLD  
Review by fyn
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Nice! :)
I like the oppositions and yes, opposites DO attract! :) ~fyn
82
82
Review of Sleeping Rough  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I get it. Done some writing about this as well. I'm using this poem in this week's Poetry Newsletter. ~fyn
83
83
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this. Doesn't everyone wear a mask at times? I'm using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter. ~fyn
84
84
Review of Another Name  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter. Do wish you were able to be on more often. Your writing is just so good! ~fyn
85
85
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
This sounds similar to my daughter's tales of her first day in the Navy. She was at Great Lakes. And well reminds me of my first days at Ft. Jackson in the Army. Scared and so(!) trying not to show it.

A couple of suggestions that will help you garner readers. Use 4 pt font. And double return between paragraphs. This is just easier on the eyes! :)

I am looking forward to reading more of your work! Feel free to email me with any questions etc.

One group you may want to get involved with on wdc is
FORUM
HONORING OUR VETERANS   (ASR)
Of course there's a Veterans Day - EVERY DAY!
#423698 by Monty
:)

~fyn
86
86
Review of CABRITO  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh, I cannot wait until your book is done!!! I could easily use up tons of words telling you how great this is, because it is, indeed. But it would serve you better to hear about the few little things that would make this even better.

Feathers. You like the word, the image. you just need to be careful using it too many times in a piece this short.

cousins from Laredo were visiting <---elsewhere you said you lived in Laredo. Perhaps use from across town or a few miles away. That was confusing. And then Corpus. We, the reader, need to understand and not get confused, especially if we (me0 are not familiar with Texas!

Also, this peek was all about the cabrito and your dad's dream.



As much as I love your gramma, and as much as I wanted to go on reading more about her, again, this peek was into something else. Not sure the best way to make this clear, and I am operating under a flue-induced and mucked-up brain.

My only other suggestion is you could add even more description. What you kids did other than chase each other around in circles .. ???

visiting our with Laredo family, it was the fiesta,

A special one? A weekly one? What? You will need to educate your readers who may not have a clue! Fill us in so we can have fun too!

I've not said a word about the actual ramifications of your daring! Too funny. So annoying, isn't it when the grown-ups have good reasons for things? LOL Reminds me of venison and finding white butcher sheet paper in the freezer with 'Bambi' written on it! My brother, until the day he dies, never ate venison again. I'm married to a hunter; we live on it! LOL

fyn
87
87
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A couple of things first off. I know virtually nothing about Texas. Been there twice and my impressions were limited to brick housing developments where, if you weren't careful, you got lost because all the houses looked the same and they were characterless, and everyone drives like they are immortal gods. That being said, first, I was drawn in to learn more about your Texas simply by your words. Secondly, when I got to the end, my thoughts were: That's it? I'm done? Damn. I would have most happily kept reading! I was disappointed I couldn't.

This is coming from someone who reads voraciously but despises reading on the computer because it plays havoc with my eyes. The manuscripts I am constantly reading are converted to pdf and I read them on my Kindle so I can save my eyes by enlarging the font!

Below I've chosen several 'sentences' for specific comments/questions/suggestions.


personalities ranging from barely there to bright orange. Ours registered the brightest of bright orange,

This might need a bit more of an explanation as to why orange is the brightest in your spectrum. I found myself pausing to wonder why orange. I suppose the sun pictured in 'close-up' looks more orange than yellow or red, but the first thing I (personally) think of associated with 'orange' is pumpkins. Then, fall leaves, perhaps. Personality/pumpkin/ (which stream of consciousness led to Jack O' Lanterns/ creepy faces) was kind of a stretch in less than a positive way. Not, I think, your intention.



I am the story keeper LOVED this! I get it. Intrinsically. But then, I, too, am the 'story keeper.' I've pieces in my port entitled this. As well, it resonated on a deeper level because there are those who record the histories and those who make them. Equally important, vital.



I was content to sit at Nanny’s feet, soaking up family history, while the other three were out (there), making theirs. Goes back to what I just said! :) Another line that I truly thought special, tho!


There are only fluctuating shades of normal. Such a brilliantly concise summation of life! Absolute truth!




Suffice it to be said, I'd happily read more of this. I want to read more.

This is coming from Fyn who is a part of WDC. This is coming from the reader who, aside from work, reads every single night. This is coming from a publisher who (unfortunately) wades through a lot of dreck and knows good writing when she sees it.

One of the best aspects thus far is 'your voice' - even memoirs have 'characters.' I do wish I had a bit more of a picture of 'you' - as long before I got to 'Pete, being the only boy' I was wondering what the narrator was. The others were clear - the 'you' was fuzzy like when I've read too much and my eyes can't focus on the words. Easy fix.

Things to ponder as you write. To keep brightly lit albeit in the far back corner. You mentioned 'boomers' liking your work. Yes, I agree. Regardless of where a reader might be, from Texas to Maine to Michigan, I expect folks of a certain age will all have memories sparked by antics in your book simply because we shared that time of freedom kids today haven't a clue about. (SADLY) My kids do, but the grands and the greats seem to be missing out on so much and their lives are so much smaller because of it. (I suppose it could be said that they don't miss what they never had, but when I think of all the missed opportunities for 'epic adventures' it makes me sad.}

And yet, perhaps a book like yours can appeal to those who are so certain that today's ways are the best ways because it might open their eyes to a world that offered so much more on so many levels and somehow, we did indeed turn out 'Just fine, Ma'am, just fine, indeed!'

Every generation seems to look back on the 'good old days.' Perhaps, someday in the future, things will cycle 'round again!

I'll admit, what I read makes me curious to learn more about you, the writer. Enough so that I've 'fan'ed you and will continue to see what else is in your port. 5 stars even with suggestions because this was THAT good. I look forward to reading more. I'm so glad you joined WDC!!!


~fyn
88
88
Review of Uncle Jack  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Too many have not had the opportunity to hear any of the WWII stories their relatives had/endured.experienced, or sadder still had no interest. I'm a daughter, granddaughter, mom of veterans. I served during the Viet Nam era. For every horrific tale, there too, are tales of heroism, glory, and kindnesses.

I'm glad you were able to experience a taste. These experiences can shape a person, for good or bad, but the vast majority go on using all they have learned. Their sacrifices in life, limb, and heart shape many nations and peoples and are never to be taken for granted, ignored, or forgotten!

My dad shared many a humorous story but shied away from the sadder ones until I joined the military. Then he took me aside and shared some of the unpleasant, sad, and downright awful things he'd experienced. That night before I left for basic training, he told me that would have to follow orders that I might find difficult or even, impossible, to follow but that I was (as a soldier) only going to know a part of the whole and that wouldn't be able to see the bigger picture. He told me that I'd have to believe whatever it might be would be for the greater good in the long haul. Those words sustained me during difficult times.

I'm glad you wrote this! I'm glad you shared it with your readers. It is important! ~fyn
89
89
Review of TANGERINES  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
A must-have in the stocking! Using this in this week's For Authors newsletter! ~Fyn
90
90
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I remember sneaking downstairs early one Christmas and well ...it is all in this weeks For Authors as will be this piece as an editor's pick! :)
91
91
Review of Christmases Past  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
YES!!!! Using this in this week's For Authots newsletter on Memories! ~~fyn
92
92
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sniff. This sent me tumbling back in time. Tears, neither san nor happy, just emotional, burn. I'm using this in my For Authors Newsletter this week. Thank you! ~Fyn
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93
Review of Memories of Past  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using this in my For Authors newsletter on Memories this week! Gifts of love --YES! ~Fyn
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94
Review of My Son  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
This struck a chord with me! I'm using it as an editor's pick in my Poetry Newsletter this week!

Only suggestion I have would be to make the next to last line into two lines (after the word proud)

~fyn
95
95
Review of Raising The Bar  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
It really is all about perspective! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter! ~fyn
96
96
Review of The Little Match  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yes. I am using your poem in this week's Editor's Picks in my Poetry Newsletter. ~fyn
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97
Review of Undiscovered  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Liked this, got a kick out of the GPS part as you'll see in my newsletter - For Authors - this week. Using this in my editor's picks. Great job!
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98
Review of Grandpa's Road  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was great! I'm using it in this week's For Authors Newsletter. Especially loved the bit about wrinkling up the roads to make them fit. Makes sense to me! LOL. ~fyn
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99
Review of The Whistling God  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really liked this and am using it in this week's Poetry Newsletter.

Just a suggestion. Don't have every line start with the uppercase letter if it is not the beginning of a sentence as it takes the reader out of the poem and takes away from the poem's impact!
100
100
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi. I'm Fyn. I am always happy when folks are trying for Rising Stars!

To be completely honest, I am not sure that this was a convincing, persuasive argument. First off, there were three questions asked versus convincing 'Malcolm' of one answer. And, you never 'really' answered the initial question of WHY the world (questioning the word choice here, given your answer) is brighter on the other side. Your initial question was the point that should have been being defended. Not his subsequent questions.

The use of the word 'world' is an issue for anyone who has event the dimmest concept of heaven - which is where the essay is leaving. If it had been a world with two sides or perhaps a world pre and post dissent etc, then 'world' would have been appropriate.

While you have good answers (in a sense) to subsequent questions you posed, this then is problematic because you are basing the responses on one book. Not trying to take anything away from your beliefs, here. But in a persuasive essay, you need to back the supposition with a preponderance of the evidence. Using the Bible - which for you is key, you must remember that it might not be in all cases, not as a book of facts which are provable.

Tackling a subject such as religion in a persuasive essay is extremely difficult. At the end of it, you need to have convinced someone entirely. Given your initial question, my responses, had I been Malcolm, would have been:

1. What 'world?' Another planet?
2. How is it brighter? Why?
3. Brighter still includes dark vs saying 'There is an absence of dark on the other side.' <--- as an example.


Malcolm wasn't used as an adversary rather as a conduit to help the first speaker. He went along with everything said rather than questioning.

There were a few typos scattered, such as, Bible speaks about what will happen? That is a declarative statement; not a question.

The statement: The Bible is The Word of God. It tells about the time when Jesus walked on this earth. He died, rose again,
and will walk among us again when he returns to earth. is not totally even a correct statement. The New Testament is, but the Old Testament is not about 'when Jesus walked on this earth.'

A persuasive argument must provide answers in such a way that readers cannot question the answers given.

I really hope that this helps you understand more about writing persuasive arguments/dialog. If so, then the entire experience has proven to be a learning experience and that is a good thing! :)
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