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Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
with the May prompt being: Westers
Please note: I tend to look for fresh descriptions that fit well within the genre, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.
Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I did like the fact that the main character was a writer. That being said, it was important that the reader feel a connection to the lead characters beyond that so that there is an emotional connection that makes the reader truly care what happens to the characters. The writer needs to do this so that the reader will become invested in the outcome of the story.
What I particularly liked.
The first two paragraphs were quite well written and gave the reader a clear picture. This level of writing throughout would have added much to the story.
What I think could use some work or revision.
Accuracy is important. I would suggest doing a bit more research in this case as the FBI began as the Bureau of Investigations (BOI) and did not become the FBI until 1935.
Just a thought: a governess would typically live with its charge, in the same house; not in a rooming or boarding house.
Also, it is often valuable to have a 2nd set of eyes peruse a piece when submitting it to a site contest, or, really, any place one submits to. Typos can be a real turn off in the real world (for publishing, etc.) For example, "You lying, thieving, shyster!" <---no comma after thieving. (The lying and thieving are describing shyster.) Another example would be the sentence:Roy put his arms and leg through the window the rest of his body still on the wide ledge outside.<either missing words and/or punctuation here or perhaps a rewording of the entire sentence.
Another example which offers a typo-type mistake that it is most important to avoid is: Here's everything I found and its a good case against them.<---it's (It is) --not possessive.
Final Thoughts.
There was so much potential here. An idea to keep in mind would be to use a flashback or something to keep the story with action rather than the majority of the read being in her mind. Dialog is excellent to move a story along, and often times better that having the majority of a story being a character rehashing the 'what happened.'
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.
Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.
Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I liked this story and how it wound around to where I thought it (happily) might go.
What I particularly liked. Flat out loved this line: The prairie wind seemed to blow for untold years-- as well as the part about working on the kid's aim :)
What I think could use some work or revision.
Back in the day 'epitaphs' were short 'n sweet, so I thought what was written on the gravestone a bit much.
Final Thoughts.
Thought this was well written, liked the dialogue.
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.
Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.
Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
Liked the spacing and bolded type as old eyes really appreciated it!
What I particularly liked and What I think could use some work or revision.
I lumped these two together because there were so many excellent descriptions that then were disjointed from the surrounding story. Example ... woman rarely wore pants. Another - they did not buy milk, they went out to the barn and milked the cow. Also, there were typos and in a site contest, one needs to be very sure there aren't any!
Final Thoughts.
I think, with some revision and playing with that this story has a lot of potential! :)
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.
Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.
Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
Good story. Read well, believable. I saw no glaring errors.
What I particularly liked.
the lines:...they hung from the branch of a stunted pine at the head of a rock-strewn canyon, their feet only inches from the ground. Ella's feet were bare, her moccasins lay on the ground nearby, a testament to her death struggle. Their arms touched as they gently swayed in the breeze, together in death as they were in life... because they painted an indelible picture. One could almost hear the sound of the rope twisting in the breeze... well done!
What I think could use some work or revision.
Got to love the constraints of a short story. Found myself wanting to know more - why the man 'weakened' - totally get her cursing! LOL
Final Thoughts.
Ony question that lingers. The guy opts to head out and not raise any ruckus (further) by talking to the sheriff. BUT what difference would it have made IF the reported wrote his story, they would (the bad guys) still come after him for giving the story TO the reporter, unless they killed him too...
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.
Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.
Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
The repeated 'Jenny and Patrick', 'Patrick and Jenny' got almost annoying after the 3rd time. There are numerous ways they could have been referred to. Two kids running around robbing all the general stores...how many would there have been in an area? Towns were widespread and horseback will only get you what? Ten, fifteen miles a day, let alone getting somewhere to put all the guns and ammo afterwards.
For a short story there were way too many characters to keep straight and still have them make an impression.
What I think could use some work or revision.
There are several areas that cry out for attention. Aside from the way overdone repetitions of the names, they kept going from store to store collecting 'all the guns and ammo.' Then they ride off into the sunset with same. 2 kids. Carrying HOW much on horseback as they head for the hills? Not practical, nor really, doable in a mass hurry.
Kids killing cattle and horses and robbing stores and NO ONE catches them, goes after them?
Final Thoughts.
There is, I think, some potential here, but this piece needs a lot of work to be what it 'could' be. Simply and revamp so the reader can care about P&J. More about the why behind their actions and then make the actions be logical and doable. Felt alllmost like kids playing a cops and robbers game.
Stumbled upon this in the 'read and review' and thought I'd offer my 2 cents worth. :) I like the poem, I liked the ways you expressed the emotion and 'clenched fingers' frustrations. A hard way to be, unable to let go. I remember my dad telling me once that if something wouldn't matter ten years down the road, it shouldn't matter so much in the here and now. Valuable advice.
One suggestion. Here -- its' roots feed the devil, well. and here: And as it fills its' evil need,<-----should be its.
Wow. Okay. So DRSmith sent me your way with these words as signposts along a path:
"a very skilled writer in here who I feel is a master of characterization, capable of using just the right words, action, and timing at bringing characters to life, of putting the reader within their midst and minds with ease."
High praise from Gary, indeed!
As usual, he is spot on in his assessment! This is an extremely well crafted story.
I only found one teensy typo -(Does you demon blood yearn for home then?") your
and I thought the ending a wee bit rushed. Didn't need much but perhaps a little bit more of an acknowledgement by Rash and the girl that life wouldn't be all roses and sunlight and that it would take much work (rather than odd moments) for them to work together to keep his human side to the fore.
All that being said, I still stuck with 5 stars because the story as a whole absolutely warrants it!
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Initial Impressions