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This truly made me smile! I'll never forget writing a most important scene in a tale that once was a short story, but was now well on its way to being a novel. I'd struggled with the scene --getting it just right...the first time, the only time, the two characters would come together before events conspire to tear them apart. I was into it...my mind was in the write (err) right space when my hubby came bursting in to blather at me about a bumper sticker he'd seen. Blam! Gone. Yanked out of the whole thing. For a stupid bumper sticker! My muse was SO not amused!
They always have to try the door ... just in case. It is the way of people not to believe what they are told, or read, and their way to try anyway. Or they go full on the other direction and believe everything they hear or read without using thier minds to see the obvious. If told the sky is green; they either must go look (just to be sure) or run around screaming that the sky is falling because it's green. Sanity and the human race parted ways long ago.
I really liked this poem. Says so much more than one might get from a quick perusal! Well done!
I could totally relate to this poem because, once, long ago now, I flew to Scotland from the US for a three week visit with an online love. It was never meant to be a forever thing; I knew that going in, but that was of no consolation as i cried my heart out on the flight from Glasgow to Heathrow before heading home.
The emotions came through clearly, the imagery was perfect for the thoughts behind them! Well done!
Once upon a time there was a _________________________. Everyday,_____________________________. One day,_________________________. Because of that,____________________________. Until finally,____________________________.
Once upon a time there was a backwards clock. It ran counter, ah, clockwise and all the numbers were reversed. Every day, when people looked at it, they were confused because their brains insisted upon reading it exactly opposite from how they needed to read it.
One day, oh, some ten years in, the people who lived with the clock, realized that they didn’t seem to be growing older. The husband realized that the battery hadn’t died in all that time either. When their daughter came to visit, she was so happy that her parents looked much younger than the eighty-some-odd years they’d each attained. Because of that, she finally quit worrying about the day when her mom would no longer be there for her, and truly began to live her life. Her job took her all over the world and she became very successful.
Until finally, the day came and the battery died. The hands on the clock ticked to a stop. The man couldn’t replace the battery because it had corroded over the years and was stuck in place. As far as he could tell, the battery shouldn’t have worked for a very long time.
Their lives continued, only now joints pained them some, and she seemed to need new glasses more often. They were both fine, only now, they were feeling their age. They decided that they shouldn’t tell their daughter that the battery had died. And that Christmas, they got one for their daughter, hoping against hope, it might have the same results with her and her newborn daughter.
I'm reviewing this as a judge for Dialogue entries for
our Rising Stars Candidates Writing Dialogue
Challenge - Argumentative
This isn't argumentative, she's downright er, ah, witchy! He, on the otherhand, is more trying to stop it rather than aregue back. Uneven. He is clearly the more reasonable of the two and certainly has the patience of a saint! Although she has valid arguments, and her tone is clearly in an argumentative frame, his is more cajoling even though he makes much more valid points. She's looking for a fight; he isn't. She keeps firing; he diffuses. A good argument would have them both throwing bolts.
I think I was expecting more of the argue type responses from him. And no guy (especially in an argument would refer to his wife as an old lady if he wants to live!
There were a few typos scattered throughout. Contest entries need to be thoroughly checked! :)
Example:Give me your hand Old Lady<--needs a comma after hand.
Example:Just keep it on the speed limit<--to (or below) the speed limit
I think if he were to push more, it would read better and I also think she capitulated way too easily. It felt like she did a very sudden 180 degree flip without there being a true reason for her to switch modes.
A good thing is that I 'could' hear them. The two characters' voices were well defined. (It was easy to tell who was speaking.)
I am writing this review as a judge for the Dialogue entries for
our Rising Stars Candidates Writing Dialogue Challenge- Persuasive
As a whole, I had a bit of an issue with the argument. Some of the storyline did not make much sense (so I could see her viewpoint on the 40s people playing high school kids.) But I truly wasn't able to buy the his logic, nor her going along with it.
The thinking of a forty year old needs to sound forty and, frankly, it did not. Especially the comments going back and forth about eye color and freckles. It 'sounded' younger than high school (and they weren't acting) and thus was a long stretch. It didn't read realistically. It didn't 'feel' real and that is a big issue. The 'believability' of characters as they converse needs to feel in the moment.
At some points the piece reads like an OLD married couple - fussing over dinner dishes etc. - but then it reverted to younger, rather than feeling consistent.
I read the entries out loud with a friend to check for how it 'sounded' and it simply didn't sound like two adults talking. This, then, was the biggest problem with the piece and one many writers struggle with. It is usually a good idea to read dialogue out loud (or snag a friend or two to read the parts!) because it really helps with how the 'argument' comes across and if it feels right. You don't want a 'break' in a reader's reading to think, as my friend did, 'Seriously?' so reading it aloud can really help with this.
Writing dialog takes practice. I give you points for working at it. I remember being terrified of writing it until I realized I had no choice if I wanted a piece to flow. It is dialog that drives a story forward and is incredibly important.
Another factor is to have the two voices have characteristics that make the voices 'sound' different. Men don't talk the same as women. They use different phrasings, shorthand, logic and verbiage. It really helps to listen to people conversing when you are not a part of the conversation. Women blast along, men tend to be more hesitant. Women's sentences tend to be longer than men's. How they describe things are different as well as the tones of their voices. These are all things that can be played with in a conversation.
Another issue is the quick, sudden flip of the woman's viewpoint. A few silly flatteries wouldn't convince her, I shouldn't think. Then ending felt rushed. I don't know if you ran out of allotted words, (or not) but the ending felt rushed. People do not think the way these two did. Love isn't spoken of on a whim or that quickly, especially if these two have been friends for years, the level doesn't jump that quickly. Dimples and freckles comments are no basis for love and would make sense there would be far more conversation before that big of a leap is made.
All that being said, the piece has potential, but as is still needs work to be convincing. This not necessarily a bad thing. Revision and rewriting are a writer's stock in trade and something we do over and over and over again to get it right.
The newbie can write!!! Really enjoyed this. Decided I had to check out your writing after I noticed that you've won or placed in the WDC contests of late. Extremely rare for any one person to win a prize several months in a row! Kudos on that!!
So sad..empty...may this never be me or anyone I know!!! But you nailed the non-ness of it so well! The invisible one who wafts through and no one sees or interacts with cause her to be invisible. Kind of what her to drop a jar of pickles on the grocery store floor so they will see her!!
What a wonderful perspective and pointing out a simple truth one simply doesn't think about...the pleasures, unintended pleasures, we gain that we get through nothing of ourselves except to stop, slow down and actually notice!! (Which too many folks do not do}
Really, really enjoyed this...the sounds when read out loud, the assonance, the words just flowed so beautifully. I also really enjoyed some of the fresh phrasings! For example,
Awestruck, as a cardinal sings,
Oh Spring! In the winter of life,
Your album holds wonderful things,
To distract from time's thrusting knife.
Wow....being as we just two nests of birds fly the nest, fledglings winging, this touched me! Beautiful! The metaphor was beautifully executed.
Particularly liked the 'brink of sunrise' and 'wings around her in embrace'
Haven't read your work in a while, so this was really enjoyable!
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