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151
151
Review of Hello!  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Little Rock
Re: Your introduction to W.Com

Greetings, Little Rock ! We're delighted to have you here with us.
We look forward to seeing more of you, and meeting your daughter.
I hope you're finding your way around W.Com.
If you haven't seen these options, here are a few
programs for a new member like you who is looking for
an anchor to give you a home base, help you
navigate W.Com, and take advantage of some of its
resources:

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1949660 by Not Available.

"Newbie Help And Support Group" 

Warmest best,

GabriellaR45

.
152
152
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: BigOosh
Re: Midnight Conversations

Your Premise:

This late night rendezvous
is at once too bashful and
cautious, and lovely and
alluring. Clearly, the goal is
to seduce this lovely lady.
A segment of your poem:

"I see you
you see me
sharing a gaze
I feel your presence
as you feel mine

dancing around
waiting for the other
to be the first
to say hi

We speak
of trivial things

midnight conversations
over coffee
and cigarettes

we are both moth
and the flame. "

The french started this:
Do you have a date this evening ?
Yes, I have a date.
Tu sors ce soir? -
Oui, j'ai un rendez-vous.

Best of luck, BigOosh !

GabriellaR45

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153
153
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Soulraider
Re: Building Air-tight Domes on the Moon

How Life on the Moon could be possible:

This article, written by Soulraider, is
fascinating and a wonderful concept.
The author did a beautiful job chronicling
life on the moon and sharing how living on the
moon is possible.

Building a City on the Moon:

"A city-like structure can be built inside the domes
with residential apartments and commercial complexes.
Schools, restaurants and public places can also exist
inside such domes. People should be able to work at
commercial places to earn a living. Children should
be able to go to schools and grownups to colleges.
There should also be a good amount of supply of water
in such domes."

Thank you for sharing this information with us, Soulraider.
All the best,

GabriellaR45



154
154
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)

To: Neva
Re: Choosing the Right Word

Who is the Author ?

Neva was born in Blackwell, Oklahoma.
Now, Neva lives in Las Vegas, Nevada
She has two brothers and one sister.
Neva was her mother's caregiver before she died in 2012.
Neva writes poetry, spiritual poetry, fantasy, science fiction,
a blog and a journal.
Her blog: http://www.Writing.Com/authors/nfdarbe/blog

Choosing the Right Word: an excellent tip for writers:

A thousand stars in the sky
encourage a poet to write
odes to her heart's delight,
but if the wrong word is chosen
it carries the simile astray,
dams the rhythm's flow
and hides the metaphor's glow.

This is an elegantly written bit of sound
advice delivered in poetry form.
You're a clever lady, Neva *Smile*
This is a wonderful, appealing poem.
I'm so pleased to be able to
share this with our W.Com reviewers
and readers.

Bravo and warmest best,

GabriellaR45

.
155
155
Review of A sense of dread  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

To: Nasreen Chaudhary
Re: A Sense of Dread, a scary story

Who is this Author ?

Nasreen lives in Glasgow, Scotland UK
She reads books voraciously. And, she spends
endless hours coming up with great ideas to write about.
Her Interests: meeting new people, reading & writing.
Tarot, psychic development.

Small Repairs Needed:

*StarfishV* You write: "My new apartment is on the west side of this old building,
which if I remember rightly used to be the old staff quarters." Place
a comma after "rightly."

*StarfishV*You write: " My nasal passages felt raw and stingy and just
touching them made my eyes water." Place a period after "stingy." Start a new
sentence with "Just."

A writing tip: what is a run-on sentence ?

While most of your sentences tend to be too long, they are not run-on sentences.
Run-on sentences are sentences that contain too many ideas without proper
punctuation. When you write a sentence, look to see if it is long enough that
you can and should break the sentence in two. You will see what a difference
this makes.

*StarfishV*This is an example of a sentence you might consider breaking
in two: "We were supposed to be clearing the dinner plates but instead we had
snuck out the backdoor to smoke cigarettes behind the shed"
Try this: We were supposed to be clearing the dinner plates. Instead, we snuck
outside to smoke cigarettes behind the shed.

*StarfishV*When you say the nurse's mouth was "ajar", I suggest you say her mouth
was slightly open. Ajar is most often used to describe objects like a door or a jar of jam.
You obviously understand the word. See if you can come up with a more appropriate word.

No End in Sight !

This is a series of horrible events that continue on
without end. I wonder if the author is planning to write another chapter.
You're a capable story teller, Nasreen. It's clear you enjoy writing
horror stories. Keep on writing *Smile*

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.
156
156
Review of Writing thoughts  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Celeb
Re: Writing Thoughts

The Crux of Your Message:

The words that are created on the screen vs The words that flow through my hand:

"I sit down each day at my desk. I look at my pencil, still sharpened from misuse,
and wonder if I will ever again put it to the white sheet of paper and make it
dance. Instead, now I push a button and watch the screen on my computer come
to life. The applications and folders used consistently sitting to the left side of
the screen. I look down at the black keyboard in front of me and I already know
I will not look at the keys as I begin to write. Not the way I would watch the
words flow as if from my fingers. "

Ergo:

"Hoping that it still has the same ability as when it flows from my hand. I begin my
journey, never knowing what will become of it, where it will lead or how it will end.
I sit at my desk, open the blank page, and wait for the words to flow."

This is a delightful piece, Celeb. You are articulate. Your message
is clear, and this piece is a treat to read. I'm certain there are many
writers who have considered the pros and cons of using our computers
to write, having once used a pen and a legal pad to write our poems
and stories.

Nice work, Celeb !

Bravo and all the best,


.
GabriellaR45

157
157
Review of He is art  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Buckky
Re: He is Art

This is a lovely poem, Buccky.
It is filled with love
and admiration for your artist.

I particularly like:
"he deserves to be seen by millions
yet how selfish of me
to want him to myself."

Your words fall beautifully
on the page. You make
writing look effortless.

Nice going, Buccky.

All the best,

GabriellaR45
158
158
Review of Survival  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


To: Birdie
Re: Survival

This heroic poem celebrates this writer's
rugged journey to endurance and survival.

"Now I live a human life
After the ultimate sacrifice
Of the lie I used to be
Now I stand tall like a tree
Unafraid in a land
Of misery I stand
To show all
I've broken but will not fall"

And:

"I'm not afraid of who I am anymore
Ever since I shoved my ugly self out the door
I am beautiful and I will rise
Because I am somebody who has survived"

This is beautifully written and a powerful
statement, Birdie. I read it over twice,
appreciating it more with each reading.

Bravo, Birdie !

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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159
159
Review of A Desperate Plea  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Velicity Phoenix
Re: A Desperate Plea

Who is this author ?

"I am a thirty year old mother of one. I put God first in my life, but I walk the edge
of darkness many days. It is not that I want to be there, it seems it was forced
upon me in my teens, to which you will read further if it pleases you. I have a husband,
who is much more then that, my best friend, my soulmate. I am a self proclaimed artist,
for I have talent's in many fields. Writing, comes from the soul, it has always been my core. "

This poem is beautifully written, Velicity. I have one
suggestion. If you decide not to use punctuation, remain consistent. We see you use
punctuation here and there. Examples: This pain I can no longer take.
Demons and Devils Flee! *Smile*

Velicity's Message:

This poem calls on us to see how powerful belief in a greater force can be:

"I finally cried out to the Lord that night
He’s the only one to calm my fears
Calling out to him I could breath
Darkness overwhelmed me, but He brought me Light
Wrapping me in his arms there were no tears
All I had to do was believe."

Bravo, Velicity !

All the best,

GabriellaR45


.
160
160
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: All Smiles
Re: The Soldier, the hero

This is a thoughtful, engaging poem, All Smiles. Your message
is noble. You remind us what is most important.
*Star* This is well written: "Instead of madness, blood and guts these
men have shed for war. Paving ways for future times and building
better laws."

This preamble is also impressive:

"Picking up the idea that somehow we can win,
easily hurting others from within a soldiers whim.
Standing shoulder to shoulder, beside our souls exposed.
Widened, opened ..... once again from remnants of a war. "

Nice work, All Smiles !

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45



161
161
Review of Owl Creek Bridge  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Gianna
Re: Owl Creek Bridge

A warm welcome to Writing.Com, Gianna. I hope you're making your way around this bustling writer's
metropolis comfortably. If you need help, please feel free to ask. There are a number
of wonderful groups created to encourage and support new writers. If you want those links,
I'll send them to you.

Overall Impression:

This is an intriguing review of a film about an incident that took place at Owl Creek Bridge during
the Civil War. You tell us: "The film shows a man who burned down a bridge and is found doing it by soldiers.
The soldiers decide his punishment is to be hung. The subject of this film is a man named Peyton
Farquhar who is a huge plantation owner and slave owner."

Format: Consider separating the large block of writing into several separate paragraphs to make it easy
for your readers to enjoy your review without eye strain *Smile* I suspect it will be easier for you,
should you want to make changes of any kind.

The Body of your Film Review:

The title of the film is An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge You give it a couple of slightly different
titles in your review.

Instead of " This quote is from the story Owl Creek Bridge, which is a great story for your imagination
to run wild" how about: This quote is taken from Owl Creek Bridge, the original short story written by
Ambrose Bierce. You'll see as you read the story, your imagination will run wild.

Instead of sliding into talking about the man, do you think it would be helpful to set the stage for the
hanging ? Example: A handbill posted on a burnt tree, dated 1862, announces that anyone interfering with
bridges, railroads or tunnels will be executed. A Civil War era civilian prisoner, Peyton Farquhar, is prepared
for death by hanging by Union soldiers from a rural railroad bridge; . As the rope is adjusted around
Farquhar's neck, a vision of his home, wife and children flashes before him.

Suggestion: You write: "The Occurrence at Owl Creek is a complex film that may be hard to understand
the meaning of." Consider ending the sentence at "hard to understand."

You write: "This story takes place during the civil war, the plantation owners didn’t fight in the war.
Farquhar tried to burn down the Owl Creek bridge which is punishable by execution." Break this into two
sentences. Also, you shared the story takes place during the Civil early in your review. *Smile* Take a
few minutes to think how to organize your description of this film in the order that the events occurred
instead of tackling different aspects of the film here and there throughout your review *Smile*

*Star* I like the way you save the discussion pf symbolism and allegory until the last segment
of your review.

A note to Gianna: Your review is off to a great start. A little effort given to organize the
events and cut down a few of your longer sentences will net a good film review. I hope you'll continue
on to write more. I will enjoy returning to see how you are faring. *ThumbsUpL*

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.
162
162
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


To: Buckky
Re: Our Art Was Beautiful

Overall Impressions:

This is a telling poem. I can see you
are sharing the importance of
respect when it would be
especially helpful coming from a good doctor.

Fixes: Just one item to be repaired:
You wrote: "With a face of a unfaithful"
Should be: With a face of an unfaithful.

This is a compelling story of a beautiful
romance that was destroyed by an
affair....if I understand correctly.

I noticed that you joined W.Com in July.
A warm welcome to you, Buckky,

Warmest best.

GabriellaR45


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163
163
Review of Bosnia the Damned  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Christopher Nagle
Re: Bosnia, the Damned

First Impressions:

This is a stunning poem, Christopher. It is beautifully written
and it serves as a powerful reminder. We are pleased to share a portion of
your poem with our W.Com community. I hope our readers
will take a few minutes to read the entire poem. It is
well worth your time and effort.

Bosnia, the Damned

A spreading stain seeps through
The tattered map of Balkan life,
Pinned to a general’s table,
Spiked by armies,
Riddled with the holes
Where they have been.

Tributaries swell up
And streams turn red
To drain away the wounds,
From a trickle to torrential rush
Of blood and screams.

Can tears, the waters of lament
Ever wash away the torment?

Bosnia Massacres: Back Story:

For our readers who don't know a great deal about the wars in Bosnia,
this poem resurrects the mass murders and the long, drawn-out
wars that ensured the killings would continue on endlessly.

Bosnia:

In 1992, Bosnia’s Muslims and Croats vote for independence in referendum
boycotted by Serbs. War breaks out and Serbs lay siege to capital Sarajevo.
They occupy 70 percent of the country, killing and persecuting Muslims and Croats to carve
out a Serb Republic. U.N. sanctions imposed on Serbia for backing rebel Serbs
in Croatia and Bosnia.

In 1993, Bosnia peace efforts fail. The United Nations Protection Force deploys troops and
Bosnian Serb Army (VRS) attacks stop. But the town remains isolated and only a few
humanitarian convoys reach it in the following two years.
In 1994, U.S.-brokered agreement ends Muslim-Croat war.

In 1995, Srebrenica and Zepa cut off aid convoys from reaching the towns.
Bosnian Serbs troops kill 8,000 Muslim males in the following week.
The U.N. war crimes tribunal in The Hague indicts Karadzic and Mladic for genocide.
NATO starts air strikes against Bosnian Serb troops.

Following NATO air strikes, Bosnian Muslim President, Croatian President and Serbian President
agree to a U.S.-brokered peace deal in Ohio. They also sign the
Dayton peace accords in Paris. In 1996, West forces Karadzic to quit as Bosnian Serb president.
Nationalist parties win first post-war election, confirming Bosnia’s ethnic division.
In 2002 the former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic goes on trial charged
with 66 counts of genocide and war crimes in Bosnia, Croatia and Kosovo.

The poem and the actual events overlap and recount those wretched years.
Christopher Nagle is a talented poet who recalls those 3 years+
when help for the people in Bosnia could not get through to
stop the killings.

Bravo, Christopher ! I hope you go on to write more poems.
You are a talented writer. We're glad to have you here
with us.

GabriellaR45





164
164
Review of I miss You  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)


To: Lisa Lancaster
Re: Letter to her father

*StarfishB* My Impressions:

I read this small piece with great interest. As this piece unfolds, we learn this "guy"
was her father. I hope this is correct. This is a unique piece, one that serves to
remind the young woman what she misses the most about her father.

*StarfishB* Communicating Your Message:

The most interesting aspect of this small piece is the surprising amount we learn
with wisps of information designed to introduce us to this young woman's father.
We learn he didn't live with his daughter. He sends her birthday gifts in the mail
each year.

*StarfishB* What I found that requires a bit of attention:

*Tackg* When you write: "with your guy watch tv together" add to between 'guy'
and 'watch."
*Tackg* When you write: "miss your guy say I love you," how about: I miss your guy
most when he says "I love you."
*Tackg* When you say: " I miss going your guy place to visit, I suggest: I miss going to
this very special guy's home to visit. "
*Tackg* When you say, "I miss your guy write back" how about: I miss your guy letters ?
*Tackg* When you write: "I miss everything we use to do." use should be used.
*Tackg*When you write: "I miss your guy take us to the lake will we was little' you might consider: I miss the trips to the lake with this guy and our mother.

This is a unique reminiscence and it is intriguing.
I appreciate this author's efforts and her
recollections. Keep up the good work !

GabriellaR45


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165
165
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: rjhjr
Re: I Saw It all on September 11

Your Tribute to NYC and the US

This noble piece is beautifully stated and reassuring; it serves as a valuable reminder to all of us during these difficult times. I'm certain I am not the only reader who wondered about this writer when, in fact, the writer is the living voice of Ms Liberty who stood in the New York harbor, watching the wretched events unfold on September 11, 2001.

You remind us, Ms Liberty "stands in defiance of those who wish us harm. "Yes, I am here, poised tall and proud, an enduring symbol of liberty. I still embrace those people who love and long for freedom. And as I've done for over one hundred years now, I still welcome them to the United States of America."

I kept this eulogy from Time Magazine:

If you want to humble an empire it makes sense to maim its cathedrals. They are symbols of its faith, and when they crumple and burn, it tells us we are not so powerful and we can't be safe. The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, planted at the base of Manhattan island with the Statue of Liberty as their sentry, and the Pentagon, a squat, concrete fort on the banks of the Potomac, are the sanctuaries of money and power that our enemies may imagine define us. But that assumes our faith rests on what we can buy and build, and that has never been America's true God." I think this says it all.

Thank you for your elegant, much needed reminder. I read this piece twice and I appreciated it more with each reading.

All the best,

GabriellaR45
166
166
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Andreme
Re: A Sky Full of Stars

You mentioned at the outset you "have no idea what to put here."
Before we continue, I thought you'd like to know, this gossamer piece
can be referred to as prose-poetry. A Prose-Poem is a piece of prose
with poetic qualities, including intensity, prominent rhythms, and imagery.
Looks like your poem/story qualifies *Smile*

I have a few suggestions. You'll decide if they are helpful:

1)I Re your 2nd sentence: instead of using "got," a word I try to avoid,
how about this: When she finished a hectic day of work ?
2) Re the sentence that begins with the above: "When she finished a hectic day,"
this is called a run-on sentence--a sentence that could and should be
divided into at least two sentences.

3)How about this example: When she finished a hectic day at the office, she'd come home
to enjoy sitting outside beneath the night sky filled with stars. She listened for familiar
night sounds of vehicles rumbling past, and the scuffle of a cat fight that broke out in the street
far off in the city. Cover what is important
with the help of shorter, compelling messages *Smile* Your lovely visuals are lost in
sentences that are too long. You'll see "On this particular night" is also a run-on
sentence.. Now you know what to do to improve these otherwise delightful descriptions.

Your last few sentences are great ! See if you agree that the use of "everything"
doesn't tell us much. What do you see in your mind's eye that these two people
would describe as "everything" ? There must be a better word *Smile*

The fixes I suggested are few, and will be easy for you to repair. Once you do this, your
prose-poetry will receive the acknowledgement it deserves.

I look forward to reading more of your work *Smile*

Warmest best,

GabriellaR45




167
167
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Newbie Alert *Smile*

Dear "weird" Daniel,

A warm welcome to Writing.Com ! It is a pleasure to greet you. Your introduction is delightful.
For a guy who doesn't like people, your introduction is cheerful, outgoing, and friendly.
You can't be a great cell phone salesman and not like your customers *Laugh* Seriously, I think of
you guys who work in the cell phone stores as miracle makers. Over the years you've
saved the lives of a number of cell phones in our family.

If you love writing stories, you've come to the right place, Daniel. *Smile*We will enjoy reading your
stories almost as much as you love writing them. I can't say that I'll stand in line waiting for dungeon
and dragon stories. Fortunately, there are many writers here who will be pleased to share
this love of yours. *ThumbsUpL*

When you post your first story, I hope you'll share it.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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168
168
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)



To: lazarus j. Blacksmith
Your Poem: Never Trust him, he's Lying.

My Impression: This is a good poem.

Suggestions:

I think it may be helpful to place a comma between He's lying, he's lying.
The second stanza is just fine. No help needed there.
Where you say: "You he never cared for," try adding a comma after You,
Where you write: "He thinks your all comedy," the line should read: He thinks you're all comedy.
I like your poem. Not sure about the line: "He never spoke through the mouth of apology,"
I think I know what you mean. *Smile* Perhaps you could work on that one line.
All of the others work well. The last two stanzas are excellent.
You have real potential, I hope you will continue on to write more *Smile*

I see that you just arrived on W.Com. I hope you're enjoying the time
you're spending here. There are many warm, welcoming writers here
who will enjoy stopping by to give you a bit of encouragement.
If you need help making your way around W.Com, don't hesitate to
ask for help. My internet door is always open.

Warmest best,

GabriellaR45

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169
169
Review of A Time Warp  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)



To: direwolf


A Time Warp

This man drops back in time, in his sleep, to recall the chilling conclusion of the war between the United States and Japan in 1945.
This was a war that raged on, killing tens of thousands of American troops since 1941. On July 25, 1945, President Harry Truman and fellow Allied leaders, Josef Stalin and Clement Attlee, issued the Potsdam Declaration, an ultimatum for Japan to surrender unconditionally or face “prompt and utter destruction.” Japan refused to accept these terms on July 28, 1945. As a result, was it was decided that dropping America's first atomic bomb on Hiroshima would mark the end the long, agonizing war.

Building Suspense:

The startling piece you wrote must mean you have more suspenseful stories up your sleeve. I look forward to reading your next pos.

You did a great job describing the old, outdated rooms you dream't about shortly before the early morning of August 6, 1945.
I remember my grandfather's description of the events that took place. At 8:15 a.m. local time, the Enola Gay (airplane) dropped "Little Boy," our first American atomic bomb, onto Hiroshima in Japan. Just 43 seconds later it exploded 1,900 feet above the city. Approximately “Then, the brilliant morning sunlight was slashed by a more brilliant white flash." Nearly five square miles, over 60 percent of heavily populated Hiroshima, was destroyed. “All around, they found dead and wounded,” described one Japanese official. “Such an awesome sight, their legs and bodies stripped of clothes and burned." All green vegetation, from grasses to trees, perished in that period.” The official Japanese death toll, calculated a year after the explosion, is 118,661. Within eight days of this bombing, Japan surrendered, ending World War II.

This writer's dreamer watched the Japanese people looking up at the Sun, it was far too bright. At a closer look this man could see the Sun was expanding in size. It was not the Sun!! He knew what it was. He was stunned.

Nice going, direwolf !

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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170
170
Review of Late  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)



To: TDrowe
Re: Late

Your Subtitle: Better Late than Never

Will this piece surprise and Impress us ?

I liked this from the get-go. I have to admit I suspected
this piece was going to have a twist. I couldn't tell when or how this
was going to happen *Smile* I think you did well ! Congratulations
on having achieved a surprise ending.*Star* I laughed with
admiration. This was nicely written.

I was determined to find out what this fellow was up to before you revealed
your surprise ending. Naturally, I thought he dressed in his tux
because he was getting married. I have no doubt you hoped I would
fall into that well placed trap ! Well, I was dead wrong .*Laugh*
You pulled this sham off beautifully. They (not sure who "they" are) tell us
when the body expires, the spirit lingers on. You counted
on this, I imagine. *ThumbsUpL*

Thanks so much for sharing this *vignette with us.
I hope you'll continue on to write more.

All the best,

GabriellaR45


*vignette: a brief description, account, or episode

__
171
171
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (4.0)



To: Chimera
Re: Fahrenheit451

Your Continuation:

I read your piece on Fahrenheit451 with great interest. I loved the book when I read it.
I still have it on my bookshelf. I also loved George Orwell's 1984. He was a brilliant author
whose book, like Bradbury's, was concerned with deception, secret surveillance, and
manipulation of recorded history by a totalitarian or authoritarian state.

I attended a lecture not long ago where it was said the government (in the 50s) during
Bradbury's time, didn't ban or burn books. It was the American people who demanded that
Bradbury's and Orwell's books should be burned and kept out of American libraries
across the US.

I have to admit, I don't have a clear memory of the ending of Bradbury's book. From what I
recall, they stood on the hillside looking down on Chicago to see that it had been burned
to the ground at the end of the book ? I may be wrong; I thought they retreated to the woods
where the intellectuals lived, to live and rebuild. You'll have to enlighten me...and tell me where
your "continuation" kicks in on Fahrenheit451.

Your Writing: You wrote a wonderful paper. It is extremely well written and polished to perfection.
You are a talented writer. I hope you decide to come back to write more.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

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172
172
Review of Confession  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: The Bald Writer
Re: Confession

This will be almost as brief as your confession, Jeff *Smile*
After reading this, I look forward to reading The Dark Unicorn.
As for starting over, you've come to the right place.
Now that you have opened up your portfolio to read this brief review,
I hope you'll be inspired to sit down to write something new.
I peeked for a brief moment at your two other entries. Clearly you are a writer
with real ability. We have much to look forward to when you add
a few new entries. *ThumbsUpL*

Best of luck to you, Jeff,

GabriellaR45


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173
173
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)




A Thalassophile is a lover of the Sea

A warm welcome to Writing. Com, Nina ! This is a wonderful writer's forum. Be sure to get in touch if we can help you navigate your way around this bustling writer's metropolis.

Overview:

This is a wonderful description, Nina. I loved reading about your favorite place with the beautiful beach surrounded by long palms, white sand, and the ocean divided into different shades of blue. I grew up going to Maine each summer when we were kids to visit my grandmother. My brother and I would run down to the beach and the docks where the fishermen prepared for a day of fishing early each morning. We never grew tired of the time spent in Maine. Now that I live in Vermont, I can drive to the beach again each summer. I say this because I know exactly how you must have felt coming and going from your paradise on the water.

Nina, I am happy to give you a little help repairing some mild errors. This will make the experience of reading
a satisfying one for your reviewers. You'll decide if these suggestions are useful.

*BoxCheckR* In the 2nd sentence, tomorrows should be tomorrow's. Tomorrow's is possessive.
*BoxCheckR* Place and between "white sand and ocean divided" --also in the 2nd sentence.
*BoxCheckR* In the 3rd sentence, start off by adding of the ocean} after the first layer...of the ocean.
*BoxCheckR* Instead of commas, break the sentence that begins with "The first layer" into 3 sentences.
*BoxCheckR* the floating boats "who" should be: that sailed by...
*BoxCheckR* " the more her body started tingling" should be: started to tingle.
*BoxCheckR* Where you write: "because of every year, you should remove of
*BoxCheckR* Where your write: "but things she left there never could she bring her home" should
read: but the things she left behind she didn't want to bring home.

I know this looks like more fixing than you want to deal with, Nina *Smile* I think you'll find
it will only take a few minutes to make these changes. This lovely piece is worth the effort.
You'll find it will receive some positive reviews once you've made these improvements.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to get in touch. I'm happy to help.

GabriellaR45

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174
174
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)




To Pattiec
Re: Cornelius Gets a Cold

Overview:

This is a throughly delightful story written for children like me
( I think a teenage reader would like this too) I laughed from
your story's first line all the way through to the story's end.
Cornelius (Corny) develops a miserable cold, complete with
runny nose and an awful cough. The story begins there.

When the first of a series of movie producers approaches you
to purchase your script, I hope you'll ask to play one of the lead
roles you know so well. Mucus and Phlegm are your 5-star
characters--funny and clever from beginning to end. I'd
add to this a comment about their dry humor but I'd be booed
off this page with laughter if I ventured a cold calculating remark.

{b]Welcome to W.Com:

Having shared my delight at having tripped over this wonderful
story in the "Newbie Review" center, I am pleased to offer a warm
welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're making your way around
this busy writing metropolis comfortably. If you need help, feel
free to get in touch anytime.

Summary:

You write beautifully, pattiec. The story is well written and polished
to perfection with the exception of one tiny error that can be fixed easily.
I wasn't quite sure what you meant when you said: "When he
opened them he way lying on his bed"

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us.

Warmest best,

GabriellaR45

175
175
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
To Kodandaram
Re: The Day My World Fell Apart

Your Letter to your former Girlfriend:

A warm welcome to you, Kodandaram. I hope you are navigating your way around Writing.Com comfortably. If you need help, there are several wonderful programs here that provide guidance and support to new members, including:

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Overview of your letter:

You write a touching letter to remind your former girl friend how much she meant to you and how much you miss her. You tell us this relationship was an important part of your daily lives. You spent almost every waking hour together. When you look at the phone, you are reminded of the long, loving phone calls you shared. Two years is a long time for a first important romance.

Your letter doesn't share what it is that drove you apart. If the challenging parts of the relationship were greater than the wonderful parts you describe so well, could it be that your relationship was a beautiful but rugged journey-- a tug-of-war between all that was good and the shared problems that caused the relationship to break up ?

Your Goal: You write a compelling letter. When you think about this letter and what you hope to communicate, before you send the letter if you haven't already, take a minute to think about what it means when you say you should have pushed harder to make the relationship work. Perhaps this is true. You will pay attention to this as life goes on. Right now, keep in mind: this was a wonderful relationship in many ways. This is a time in your life for learning and growing. You can't become an expert at making a relationship work until you've had a chance to learn from experience what it is you want from a relationship, and how to make it work.

When you remind your ex-girlfriend that there were many difficult times when you might have left but you didn't, this can be as helpful for you to think about as it might be for your girlfriend, when you think back on the relationship. Do you think the relationship had shared problems that eventually caused the relationship to fall apart ? Perhaps it wasn't a question of who was at fault as much as it is a question of whether the problems you shared were greater than what was wonderful about your relationship. This may also mean the arrival of a new boyfriend came when your relationship was past the point of recovering. This is just food for thought.

Dating is all about discovering whether two people are right for each other. Instead of wishing you could have changed to meet your girl friend's expectations, it might be better to accept that being right for each other required both of you to be different people. Now, it's time to move on with the hope that you'll find a better match for yourself in time.

Suggestions: As I read your letter I noticed a few writing errors. They are small and easy to fix. When you say "Good morning message" ..it should read good morning message. The same correction can be applied to (Good) good night messages. Add and between good night messages and studying together. The sentence: "I thought would last forever, but forever isn't as long as it used to be anymore" might read: I found it wasn't possible for us to stay together forever.

How you shine in this letter: the brief but wonderful few lines you write to share what was wonderful about the relationship is what your girlfriend will love reading and appreciate the most. It is a way of making peace while reminding both of you that you grew and benefited from the time you spent together.

Your closing sentence: " I may have had a messed-up life. I may have tons of problems, whenever you need me and I will be there for you "forever." Do you want to say: Although I have problems and a messed up life in some ways, I still care and I want you to remember, I am here for you. If you need me, I will always be just a phone call away.

I applaud your effort and the courage needed to sit down to write a difficult letter like this, Kodandaram. After reading my thoughts and suggestions, you will write what you feel is best for you and your girlfriend. I admire your efforts to express your feelings and your sense of loss.

All the best,

GabriellaR45
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