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201
201
Review of Benny  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Dear Maria,

I love this story. I especially love that butterfly for loving
the talkative elephant *Smile* You have a
wonderful imagination and your story is original.
Well done, Maria.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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202
202
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

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A wonderful story, Smee--I'm so pleased to have tripped over
your port. I look forward to reading more. This bit of flash
fiction is delightful.. I like your sense of humor. I hope you'll
write more.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

203
203
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

RISING STARS COMMUNITY-WIDE SPRING COMPETITION:

--------*Star*RISING TO THE CHALLENGE: WRITE A MOVIE REVIEW*Star*-------

FILM REVIEWER: Quick-Quill

FILM: "NOW YOU SEE ME"


REVIEWING CRITERIA:

50% credit will be given for presenting the film's pros and cons with a clear, articulate
review; 25% credit will acknowledge your ability to connect effectively with your
audience; final 25% credit will be given for providing a compelling review
that is a good read.


FILM CRITIQUE:

"Now You See Me" starring Michael Caine, Jesse Eisenberg, and Woody Harrelson

This is a fine movie review, Tina. I saw the preview for this film but never got around to
seeing the movie. I wondered if the technological wizardry would hold the audience in its
grip for the duration of the movie. It's clear that you enjoyed the movie. You did a
great job passing along your enthusiasm for the film.


OBSERVATIONS:

From what you tell us, the Four Horsemen are clever, thoroughly entertaining criminals.
I like the criteria you unearthed on the internet. If everything beneath the title
"The Pledge, The Turn, and the Prestige" is a quote, then you must add quotation marks
and give its author his due. On the whole, your review is well written and well presented.
It seems that the huge sums of money used to pull off these illusions were stolen from
corrupt business leaders. I wondered what happened to the money, the business
leaders, and the illusionists. Clearly, the Four Horsemen pulled off daunting heists. You were
smart not to supply too much information. Now, I'll have to shop around for the movie
to learn what transpired.

Your review's great strength is your enthusiasm. This movie has experienced many mixed reviews.
While I was reading your review, I wondered what you would want to tell us about this
film that gives us a chance to decide for ourselves if this is a good match. This would
mean digging a bit deeper to provide some insight into the film's strengths and weakness.
None of this is absolutely necessary. It does, however, help
movie fans to decide for themselves which movie is the best match.
Reviewing also takes into account style and personal preference. You loved this film so it's possible
that you feel you covered the waterfront, sharing what you could about the film, including
giving this film your blanket approval.


A COMPELLING REVIEW:

What is especially impressive is your ability to write a thoughtful
review that covers most of what needs to be addressed in the body of a movie review
in a way that fuels the movie goer's enthusiasm for this film.


ERGO

You penned a fine review, Tina. It has been especially fun for me to see
how comfortably each of you who submitted a review is able to make the transition
from reviewing poetry and short stories to writing a first-rate movie review. Your review
is a wonderful example of this.

You did well pointing out that the X factor in this film is the staged musicianship.
I'll have to see the movie to find out how this team of four small timers are transformed
into four slick illusionists who take Las Vegas by storm. Where the illusions are
concerned, this quote says it all: "Every magic trick has a third act,
the hardest part, the part called The Prestige. Prestige has come to be known as the
finishing act in a magician's trick, a finale of sorts, where, for example, the object of
the magician's trick is returned from disappearance, or a woman
reappears unharmed from a box of swords." You tell us this film "follows the three
acts of good magic illusion." This is the best case for going to see this film.


Thank you for participating in this "Rising to the Challenge" Competition, Tina.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45


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204
204
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)




RISING STARS COMMUNITY-WIDE SPRING COMPETITION: WRITE A MOVIE REVIEW

FILM REVIEW WRITTEN BY BIG BAD WOLF is hopping

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REVIEWING CRITERIA:

50% credit will be given for presenting film's pros and cons with a clear, articulate
review; 25% credit will acknowledge your ability to connect effectively with your
audience; final 25% credit will be given for providing a compelling review
that is a good read.


FILM CRITIQUE: DRIVING ANGRY starring Nicholas Cage

This is fine effort ! I must admit, I was swept away by your telling of this story. And, horrified.
Imagine watching the people you love tortured and killed as a sentence for criminal activity !
You chose a high energy, action-filled film. What is most compelling about your review
is the effort you put into setting the stage for the film. What is missing is a sense of the film's relentless
action reflected in the pace of your review.

You are a conscientious observer, BBWolf. This is your great strength !

AN ASIDE:

When you submit work for a competition, run it by a friend and check your spelling.
Here are a few suggested changes in your review. Errors of one kind or another distract your readers.
While you made a few errors, you worked hard to produce an effective review.
I appreciate the amount of effort you put into making a good, strong presentation.

SUGGESTED REPAIRS:

In the first paragraph, loose should be lose

In your second paragraph: when you write: .."rescue his grand daughter and to kill Jonah.. ...eliminate "to"
Phew: the last sentence is long and a bit convoluted. I bet you could break it in two.

Third paragraph: Last sentence too long. This is a film review. Readers looking to go to a movie
want quick effective feedback. No long drawn-out sentences. When in doubt, break the sentences
down when you go back for a final edit.

ERGO

You do a good job wrapping up your review in the last two paragraphs. You hit on the important
elements of the movie, including warning parents that this film is not for young children.
You mention the movie is "good with very little being wasted." The one bit of advice I can offer you
after reading your review all the way through is the review might have been more effective if it
mirrored the pace of the film to some extent with the pace and directness of your review.
Your intention was good. Your long sentences were written to provide what you clearly felt were
important details. The next time you review, get out those editing scissors to cut long sentences
down by half. You'll see what a difference it makes. Shorter sentences tend to be more powerful.

On the whole, this was a very strong first attempt at writing a movie review.


Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45






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205
205
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Dear Debecker:

It is my pleasure to review this piece on behalf of "Rising Stars."

This is a touching memoir. When I lived in Philadelphia, I loved walking around South Philadelphia with its fabulous Italian market and tree-lined streets. It is the kind of neighborhood that you describe. Generations of families live in the same houses. These are beautiful old well constructed homes built by Italian stone masons. Many young marrieds look in South Philadelphia these days for good houses in largely safe neighborhoods where the residents share a strong sense of community.

Thanks for sharing your family memories. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

I have a couple of suggestions for you:

1) This sentence seems awkward. See what you think: "Now, more than a decade later, he reached."
Not sure what "he reached" refers to *Smile*

2) In this sentence, you don't need commas: "Jim had never once, in his life, dated a red head nor been attracted to one." It should read: Jim never dated a red-head nor had he been attracted to one.

3) Re: "Sal, stopped as well and looked in the direction of his friends captivated attention."--you might consider trimming the sentence just a bit to make it feel less formal and flow better: Eg: Sal turned to see what caught his friend's attention. Note: the use of friend's in this case is possessive.

4) Re your final paragraph: I'd split the sentence in two if you can. This is a pivotal moment. See if you agree that the warm and fuzzy moment when Jim and his wife-to-be are standing before the altar to take their vows is buried in a long sentence with impersonal details.

(Suggestions: Drop the word "And." 12 should be twelve. Place the word in ..where you state the "laid marble floors in one of the oldest..) If you decide to rewrite this paragraph, keep in mind it's often the case that fewer words have a greater impact. *Smile*

All of us at one time or another have a tough time seeing our writing as others do. Your love of painting pictures with words is characteristic of your writing style. For what it's worth, I'd pull back a bit from using adjectives that tend to be stiff or formal to set the stage for an event. Instead, I'd try to use fewer, more accessible words when you craft a sentence. This is especially true when you're describing warm fuzzy memories *Smile*.

Bravo on having delivered a nice piece. I look forward to seeing more of your work !!

Warmest best,

Gab


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206
206
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (5.0)




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Dear Happy April 2024!

It is with great pleasure that I read your memoir, Remembering Past Christmases on behalf of
Circle of Sisters and Rising Stars Shining Brighter Contest.

This beautiful memoir chronicles treasured memories of three Christmases past. I loved and
related to the story of the Christmas celebration which took place in the school auditorium.
Your memory of singing "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" with the girls choir is sweet. Many of us can
remember similar events during that time of our lives. I particularly enjoyed your account of the
little girl with long black hair who sang "Oh Holy Night' with such a powerful voice that
she held the assembly in her grip. Your description of that assembly is pristine...every detail carefully
spelled out with loving care. You recount these events in a way that takes into account your
readers. You have the ability to make room for us in a way that places us right there front and
center in your stories.

I have to admit, I was particularly touched by your account of that first Christmas with Jim.
It touched you so that you were able to touch us with your story. He must have been a
wonderful guy. He knew you'd be alone, waiting for him minus the ability to afford presents
for one another. What a great guy he was to bring home the portable stereo player along with
a Peter, Paul, and Mary album. I remember them well.

The third Christmas set up to give Jim's brother a fabulous time in light of his illness is described with such love and affection. This was a different time...Christmas was all about family back then. I
admire that you've been able to carry this forward even as the times change and the temptation
to displace beauty and graciousness with spending long hours at the mall wrangling for the best
bargains is great.

I have a couple of small suggestions; "Old Stewball" and "Blowin' in the Wind" should be given
quotation marks. In the 4th paragraph, you might consider placing a period after "property."
Nothing here is important enough to interfere with your perfect score !

Thank you for sharing your precious Christmas memories with us, Connie *Smile*

Warmest best,

Gabriella




207
207
Review of The Sound  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Dear Tom Buck,

Poor Tom, after falling and carving a hole in the wall, I'm afraid his fate was sealed *Laugh*
I read this story with amusement and admiration for your ability to spin a story directly without
distractions. You create dialogue that flows naturally. Keeping tabs on the goings-
on in the story, while also arranging to inject communications is not always easy, especially
with so much going on. You manage to do so in a way that makes the story and dialogue easy to follow.
As a result, you hold our interest and keep us in your grip to the very last word !

I must admit, I imagined how it would be for a father to get a phone call describing these events.
Tom was wise not to share all of this with his father. *Smile* I thought your decision to add
the last line was a bit over the top. But, this is a matter of personal choice. You managed to
raise the kind of disapproving howls I'm sure you wanted at each intersection where Tom might have chosen
a more conservative route over a disastrous one. By the time I finished your story, I was wrung out just as I
imagine Tom was *Laugh* Thanks for sharing this story and giving us a fine example
of nicely executed story telling. I look forward to reading more !

You did a fine job polishing your story sufficiently that I didn't notice type-os, etc.
This is a wonderful attribute !

Warmest thanks,

Gabriella

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208
208
Review of Silent Rain  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Kevin,

I was captivated by this poem. Good job ! You write your story so we must move through it in agonizing slow motion.
I couldn't have told you precisely what was happening 'till it was clear you were having a heart attack. It might have
been tearfully sentimental for you to have a broken heart just now, but somehow it works in the context of your story.

Bravo, Kevin, for arranging to present your poem without loads of type-os. I found just one error:

* You use a lower case "i" here and there throughout your poem when you refer to yourself in the first person. In every case it should be upper case I.

The format is just right for the poem. In its own way, it discourages the reader from being tempted to race ahead
to read the outcome. You crafted this poem effectively !

Nice work, Kevin ! I look forward to reading more of your work *Smile*

All the best,

Gabriella

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209
209
Review of The talk  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


Dear Matt:

This is a fine short story. If you are willing to attend to the type-os, I believe you'll find that it will earn
a higher rating and more positive feedback. Here are the items that need attention:

1) In the 1st sentence, starred should be stared;
2) medusa like should be medusa-like;
3) In the 2nd sentence Dericks should be Derick's;
4) In the 4th paragraph, sirlfriend should be girlfriend;
5)In the 6th paragraph, thier should be their;
6)In the 10th paragraph, faintist should be faintest.
7) in the last paragraph, place a comma after And.

The story is straight forward and touching. It's not at overly dramatic. I like that about your story.
Your readers can relate to this anxious time and the awkwardness of the conversation.

Nice work, Matt ! I look forward to reading more of your work,

Gabriella


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210
210
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Harry:

What a treat it has been to read your poetry !! I am delighted to have tripped over your work.
Why haven't I seen your poetry before this ? I've read 5 of your poems. Each one is as interesting as the one before.
Your straight-forward messages are industrial strength powerful.
I'm looking forward to reading lots more ! I'm very much a beginner. I have a long way to go before
I can call myself a poet. Reading such fine work is motivating and a real gift, Harry.
You have an excellent collection of poems here.

Thanks so much for sharing your work.

All the best,

Gabriella


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211
211
Review of Untitled 3  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)

A warm welcome to Writing. Com, TD ! I hope you're
enjoying the forum and you're finding your way around comfortably.

This is a wonderful poem, TD ! It is gutsy and beautiful. Your visuals are
stunning ! I love the sentiments. Your last stanza is a very special
message of love. I love the poem and admire your ability.
You have a poet's eye and ear. I hope you will go on to write more
poetry, TD.

I have one question about the second stanza. Did you mean to repeat
"and the lion" twice in the stanza ? I also suggest that you go
through the poem and apply some punctuation, or do away with it
altogether. You have no punctuation in the first stanza, and a couple
of commas and a period in the second. Ditto with the third stanza.
You'll decide what is best for your poem.

I've thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your portfolio, TD. I look forward
to returning to read more.

All the best,

Gabriella


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212
212
Review of don't smile at me  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)


This is a beautifully written poem. Jonesy...you're a fine writer !
You have a remarkable talent for keeping your reader in your
grip. I read this all the way through with genuine anticipation
and a sense of foreboding. You are articulate and
your poetry is blessed with a kind of authenticity that is
very special. I'm delighted to have visited your portfolio
and look forward to returning to read more.
In the meantime, I hope you'll continue on to write lots more.
You have a poet's eye and heart. Nice work, Jonesy !

Warmest best,

Gabriella
213
213
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)

You have a wonderful raw ability to paint these glorious, rich pictures
with your writing. I hope you'll continue on to write lots more, Izza.
And, while you could tighten this up a bit, on the whole it's a very fine
piece. It is dramatic and unique in style. You managed to convey a
great deal with this small bit of writing. Keep on with this, Izza.
You really do have great potential !

Bravo and warmest best,

Gabriella


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214
214
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


You've got a remarkable ability to engage your reader, Izza. I love your descriptions.
I'd love to see you work on this piece a bit to tighten it up and fill in where there are a
few gaps. "When the paint was unfading" might be better if you were to say "When the paint wasn't
fading...or When the paint was still fresh. "Inside there is such wonder she promises"
wasn't clear though this may be a matter of style and taste. The line trails off without
closing. You'll decide if it could use a different ending.

"But the glass." is a bit jarring because it's not a style you've adopted anywhere else
in the piece. i'd rather see you combine that brief sentence with the next one.
Otherwise this is a delightful piece...it is beautifully poetic as well as a vignette that stands on
its own as a handsome piece of descriptive prose. You have real potential, Izza. I hope you'll
continue on to write more !

Warmest best,

Gabriella

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215
215
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


This is very well written ! Given the times we live in, I was grateful to see the
professor contact campus security. Happily, the student involved wasn't armed.
However, he is clearly a volatile student who seems to be setting himself
up for a crisis. The pressure to get an education in order to get a job must
be stressful and worrisome, particularly for a guy who hasn't been in school for
a long time, and may not have been much of a student when he was in
school. Everything about your story is credible. It's nicely written and moves
along without a glitch. The story is timely and compelling ! Nice work !!

I'm enjoying my visit to your portfolio and look forward to reading more of
your work ! I see you joined W.Com in January. i hope you're enjoying
yourself and finding your way around. If you have any questions or need
a little help, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Keep on writing !

All the best,

Gabriella


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216
216
Review of Memories  
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Dear Jaye P,

Thank you for submitting your story to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a wonderful melancholy piece. It is lovely and sentimental, filled with memories of much simpler times. What a special childhood you enjoyed ! I've been reading the work of James Agee. His book, A Death in the Family, is filled with remarkable family reminiscences. Agee is a wonderful story teller with a poet's eye and voice. Your story is wonderfully alive too. I can see you leaning against the headstone, thinking about your life vs the lives of your grandchildren. I hope you share your memories and some of the games and books you've enjoyed. You have much to share with them through stories like this.

Thank you for giving us a snapshot of your childhood years. Isn't it wonderful that your family is able to live on through these shared memories.

Best of luck with the Contest, Jaye P. This is a fine entry.

Gabriella


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217
217
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)


Dear Pat,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This poem gave me the chills ! You're right, just think about the people we see everyday and how many of them we don't know beyond wooden smiles and the exchange of quick greetings or pocket change needed to purchase the morning paper and a cup of joe at the local coffee shop.

Our place was robbed just before moving to the house we live in now. The men who planned these robberies were said to sit next to their intended victims at the lunch counter, in the library, or at the bus stop. I'm so glad I don't know if this was done with me. Fortunately, they were caught.

I imagine a few black crows circling your head gleefully as you wrote this poem, dear Pat :) I know you must be smiling reading our reviews--a delightful mix of slightly nervous, appreciative, and amused.

Thanks so much for sharing your poem with us and best of luck with the Contest !

Warmest best,

Gabriella


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218
218
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)

Dear SWPoet,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

If there were a poem more likely to open us to savor life, I can't imagine it !
Your poem is dazzling, SW. There are many stunning lines in this piece,
including:

"But, pilots and dreamers know the secret.
We can't soar through the clouds if we’re afraid to lift off.
We can't be grounded if we’re afraid to fall.
If we stall mid-flight, we will die."

This unique poem stirs us in all the best ways ! SWPoet observes some of life's most important truisms concerning relationships and risk taking. She's crafted
a poem that is rendered with brilliant observations. Vivid and exciting,
this poem seeks to expand our view of the world. SWPoet is clearly not afraid to challenge us, and she does so here in a way that is at once powerful, charming and engaging. I came away from reading this poem thinking hard about this particular line:

"Deafened by the sound of impossible dreams, we close the shades,
plug our ears, and insulate our minds from the sounds of human life."

Thank you for sharing your poem with us, SWPoet. It's a 5-star beauty !
I'm delighted to have had this chance to read it. Your work is beautiful
and your talent, boundless,

Best of luck with the Contest, dear SW !

Gabriella


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219
219
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Jyo,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a wonderful story. I thoroughly enjoyed the adventure. One fine side benefit
is you share a few of the important traditions of family life in India. I learned about your grandfather's precious early morning rituals and how you participated in the distribution of those delicious treats as part of the "final blessing."

It was delightful to read about the 8 year old boy, full of life, always looking for fun
but never at the expense of his relationship with his beloved grandfather.

The story is elegant in its simplicity and well told, Jyo. It's nicely crafted and reads
beautifully, without interruption, from start to finish. I found it uplifting and a treat to read, particularly because of the inclusion of a few poignant cultural and religious traditions, enough to see how they fit in to your everyday life. This story is also full of wonderful images, Jyo. Painting pictures with words is one of your great strengths regardless of whether you're wearing your poet or storyteller hat. Finally, the
affection which underlies this story is it's greatest feature, one that raises the
story way above average, to achieve lots of positive feedback, Jyo !

Thank you for sharing this fine small vignette, Jyo. Reading it added a hefty dose of sunshine to my otherwise cloudy, muggy day !

Best of luck with the Contest !

Gabriella

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220
220
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear ShiShad,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a wonderful story, told elegantly without too much fanfare, which makes
the story that much more effective. Your reader is left wondering about the dog
too. That there isn't a specific ending to the dog's story is the stuff of real life.

However, what did come through loud and clear is your very special family
and the loving relationship you have with each of them. We learn
a little about your son and grandchildren, and the beautiful world you inhabit.

You put this story together beautifully, Shi. You are not only a talented poet, you're a
fine storyteller. I was completely engaged from start to finish of this piece. This story is compelling and a very special one, made more memorable because
you communcate so comfortably and draw us in so easily. Well done, Shi !

Thank you for turning this snapshot of your family visit into a memorable story. Best of luck with the Contest, dear Shi.,

Gabriella


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221
221
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Lidi,

Thank you for submitting your work to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a deeply touching, well written piece. It's a wonderful combination of prose
and poetry. I'm delighted to see that you've given yourself the opening to select a
format that is just right for this piece. And, while this is a non-traditional format,
it seems a fine choice.

This poem's great strength is your unwavering faith. I was immediately struck by how easily you are able to draw us in to revel in your joyful message. You take us on a spiritual journey with this piece, washing away all of life's worries to embrace the pure and perfect love you've discovered by giving precious time each day to joyful contemplation. This piece is lovely to read from the first to the last line ! It is sweet and prayerful. It's an inspirational piece, a wonderful form of mediatation when you're feeling stressed and ovewhelmed. As we read on past the first few lines, we see that this is less about the existence of your God and more about finding a greater power to uplift us and give our hectic complicated lives joy and meaning beyond our day-to-day struggles.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece with us.

Best of luck with the Contest. We've received many wonderful entries this month. This piece is one of those.

Warmest best,

Gabriella


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222
222
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jaye P Marshall,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

I was fully prepared for a wonderful story about an aunt and niece discovering one another, diving in with both feet to have a wonderful time together. Instead, we discover that this little girl's aunt is a far cry from her loving mother. We learn that the child will be staying at her aunt's house for three days while her mother flies out of town to care for the child's seriously ill grandmother. The story ends after the first several minutes of the child's visit with her aunt.

We see right up front that this aunt is every mother's (and child's) nightmare. You did a fine job demonstrating in a few short sentences, what this child is up against. This part of your story is especially effective. Early on, you raise our expectations that this will be a happy story. You manage to get a grip on us sufficiently to leave us almost as devistated as the child must have been once she realizes how tough the next three days are bound to be !

Nice job, Jaye. This story is well written and nicely constructed. The outcome wasn't the one most of us who have children were hoping for (which is central to
the story's success). Instead, you left us worrying and wondering about
this little girl---hoping upon hope that you'd give the aunt an opportunity to turn the situation around. But you didn't. And, this is to your credit. The story was real.
Life is like this sometimes. I'm guessing that many children have had one of these experiences in their young lives without serious consequences.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You did a great job with it.
I hope you receive lots of positive feedback. It's been a treat to
read your work.

Best of luck with the RSSB Contest, Jaye.

Gabriella


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Review of Ballade of Sorrow  
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)

Dear Ben,

Thank you for submitting your ballade to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a stunning ballade. It's a tale of great sadness. If I understood it,
the story tells of the tragic loss of a wife and child. I can't fathom the pain.
Still, you've given this tale of woe enormous dignity in this beautifully
penned poem. It's a delight to read and a thrill to see how carefully you've
crafted the ballade, and how beautifully you work out your rhyme scheme
and meter. This is a 5-star beauty, dear Ben. It stuck with me long
after reading it. It's a memorable piece. I hope you're as proud of it as
I am delighted to have read it and pleased to have this opportunity to
review it.

My favorite stanza is:

"Upon my soul was etched in line and swirl
A drawing of the life I hoped we’d lead
Rich tapestry just waiting to unfurl
With detail to be filled by chosen deed.
But senseless fate did not the pattern heed;
Its random scribbles blotted once great art.
Envisioned beauty did so quick recede,
Though drawn together once, now torn apart."

Thank you for sharing your ballade with us, and best of luck with
the contest ! We're so pleased you decided to join us.

Warmest best,

Gabriella

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Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)

Dear Jyo,

Thank you for submitting your work to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review: overview

This is a powerful poem, Jyo. It is remarkably well
written and authentic. It speaks of an experience most of us must confront sooner or later in life. My dying father inspired the first poem I wrote when I logged on to Writing. Com. Your poem is not only presented beautifully, it is also clear and well spoken. The pictures you conjur up of tubes and what is left of a warm animated person are perfectly developed.

I can't think of anything you could change to build a more effective or compelling poem. It is clearly heartfelt. Posting this poem is an act of sharing that will take root in your portfolio and become a source of comfort to others who have suffered through a meaningful loss and the "cheerless wait for that farewell." Finally, I must add, your choice of format is a perfect complement to this poem. You've put together a work that sings, dear Jyo. Bravo !


Review: suggestions: I have none. This is a flawless personal account and a beautiful poem.


Best of luck with the contest, Jyo.

Gabriella

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Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Nicki,

Thank you for submitting a piece to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day



Overall impression:

This story shines, Nicki. It's extremely well written. It's a pure delight to read a piece that is so well presented. Most of it is as tight as a drum. I foun myself sailing through it. Your great strength is your ability to write clear straight-from-the-hip sentences that are nicely crafted and succinct.

Your message:

The first three paragraphs are spare and nicely written. You set the stage for your story neatly and without fanfare, Nicki. Each of the three segments of the story is well considered, from the description of Nina's arrival home and the arrival of a letter from her cousin, to discovering what is in the letter, which Nina reads with mixed emotions, and places in a box. On the heels of this, Nina is called in for an appointment with her doctor where Nina is presented with devistating news.

You bring your story to an unexpected, ironic ending. You did well, dear Nicki. You're a talented writer.
I look forward to reading more of your stories.

Suggestions:

I only have two. You'll decide if they are useful:

1) I wondered if using "unblinkingly" is as useful to
your story as without flinching ?

2) As I read your story, I stopped to think about your description of Nina's overwhelming hurt over her cousin's decision to sleep with a man that Nina pined over (vs a man with whom Nina had a real relationship). I wondered if it would help your story to give the guy her cousin slept with a slightly upgraded status in Nina's life ?

Otherwise, the story is excellent, dear Nicki. Congratulations and best of luck with the contest !

Gabriella

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