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What a glorious loving poem ! I hope your
mother has a copy of this :) It's a beauty. Congratulations, Knight. You earned your status
here with this wonderful bit of poetry.
Warmest best,
Gabriella
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This donation is made on behalf of contributors
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Funds we have not used to support memberships
through my program are regularly
distributed to RAOK and other worthy programs
on W.Com with similar important missions.
Thank you for all you
do and give to the forum.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Richard, this is a very fine poem,
well written and beautifully
communicated. Your message
reminds us all of the importance
of being true to oneself.
I relate to your poem. I wonder
if you're too tough on yourself.
Being accommodating can be a
wonderful attribute. I hope you'll
continue on to write more
poetry. You have real ability.
Looking forward to returning to
your portfolio to read more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a very fine poem ! The first several
lines appear to tell us (your eager readers)
how you see and feel about yourself.
It's a compelling self portrait, bleak and
at the same time, bold and outspoken.
Then, the poem shifts into a different
mode, making no apologies for who and what
you are. At first, it seemed an odd
transition. Do you know what I mean ?
Still, I like the poem and your writing. I hope
you'll write more poetry. You have
real ability. Thank you for sharing
this poem. Looking forward to making
a return visit to your portfolio to read
more of your work. Warmest best,
Gabriella
This is a beautifully
written and nicely constructed
poem. The message is both
anguished and complex.
I so appreciate the effort that
went into producing such a
fine outcome. Bravo ! I hope
you'll continue on to write
more poetry. You are a talented
writer. I look forward to
seeing more of your writing.
Warmest best,
Gabriella
This is a wonderful poem !
Thank you for sharing it.
It's beautifully written and
the substance of the poem
is strong and interesting.
You are obviously well acquainted
with insomnia !
I particularly like the last stanza
and "Denial's song won't end."
I hope you'll fill your
portfolio with a mountain of
poetry. You write very well !!
Looking forward to seeing more
of your work. Warmest best,
Gabriella
I love these pieces, each one laced with
a bit of irony. Each vignette is unique,
fun to read, well written, a bit quirky
and ultimately fascinating as a group.
My special favorite is "Visitor."
Visiting your portfolio was pure adventure.
I loved reading your work. Thank you
for sharing it. I hope you'll continue on
to write much more. You have real ability.
Best of luck with your writing. Looking
forward to returning to read more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
I read this with a sense of pure dread and sadness beyond words once it was clear what was going to happen to this boy. It is a tragic story that unfortunately we have come to know too well. It's one that is beyond comprehension. I can't imagine how a young boy who is driven into deep devistating rage doomed to forever keep the memory of these horrible abuses can erase from his mind's eye. How is it possible to resume life as a civilized human, I'd like to know. I hope this boy's story isn't yours. You write with such impressive knowledge and sensitivity. There is no expression of support and/or sympathy I could offer that can adequately cover what you experienced if this is your personal story. Your readers experience flashes of
those horrifying moments. That moment of recognition when the boy realized he was being kidnapped, raped and abused again and again. I hope you receive a lot of wonderful feedback for your powerful story. There is nothing at all I can suggest to make it better. It speaks for itself and it's outstanding. Thank you for sharing this painful tale. It's heartfelt and exceedlingly important. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Warmest best, Gabriella
Joanne, this is a sweet poem written with love.
It's such a special joy to share your happiness through
this poem. Your love clearly inspired a lovely poem
that is also a fine tribute to the special
person who inspires you. I hope you receive
lots of positive feedback.
I have a couple of comments/suggestions for you.
You'll decide if you think they are useful:
1) The first paragraph shares your experience
drifting away to a very special place where you'd like to remain as though this is a person and a place that exists outside your everyday experience. Perhaps this is someone you can't have, an unlikely situation, or someone who isn't close by. If my impressions are way off the mark, give your opening paragraph a little thought to be sure it says what you want about this relationahip;
2) In the last stanza, you say "When you I look into
your eyes, I see the window to your soul"...Did you
mean: " I look through the window into your soul" ?
I hope these are grist for your thinking. It's a
very sweet poem without the changes. You know best
what works for your poem. I hope you'll go on to
write much more. You've got potential. I hope you
enjoy Writing.Com. Let me help if you have questions
or need help navigating the forum.
I understand why you like this poem
so much. It's beautifully simple,
written straight from the hip. It seems
to have poured so fluidly from your
writer's pen to the page. Welcome
to Writing.Com ! I hope you're enjoying
the forum and settling in comfortably. Sing out
if you need help of any kind.
You have real potential. Keep
on writing ! I look forward to seeing
more of your work. Warmest best to you,
Gabriella
This is a wonderful poem, a tribute to all that is special about winter especially as seen through the eyes of the young. Your remind us winter isn't entirely welcome by all. I like that you share how beautiful it is to look at snow out the window blanketing a wheat field vs the sight of snow when you're standing knee deep in snow, holding your snow shovel. You did a good job with this. I hope you'll write more. You have real potential. I look forward to reading the next installment.
I have a couple of small suggestions for you to consider. You'll decide if they are useful:
1) While it's not necessary, you might consider
adding an adjective in each the 1st and 2nd
line so that they match the approx length of the
rest of the lines in the poem.
2) I wonder why you place a comma at the end of a
line when it isn't necessarily warranted. The best
way to consider this is to make a commplete sentence with the first and second line. You wouldn't
ordinarily place a comma after "wind." Something to think about as you review the rest of the poem.
3) Does it make sense to change "wet or dry, it takes a lot for a pound" to wet or dry, it takes a lot to make
a pound ?
4) Consider changing "makes my mind wander- of playing
in snowdrifts" to read: brings back memories of playing in snow drifts (or something similar).
I hope these are useful suggestions. You are the best
judge of what is right for your poem. I'd love to see
you get the best possible reviews and ratings.
Thanks for sharing your work. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. Looking forward to reading more. Warmest best, Gabriella
It loooks like you've cooked up a fascinating
beginning for what I'm sure will be a good
story. I have a few small suggestions for you to consider. You'll decide if they are useful:
1) Add a comma: "Happy Birthday, my darling."
2) Place a period after happiness, and start
the next sentence with I wish (eliminate "and")
3) Consider replacing "But if you're reading this"
with: We both know that is an impossibility. You
can take for granted she is reading it :)
4) Consider replacing "I smile when I wonder if
you'll inherit" with I smile wondering if you've
inherited". Place a semi-colon after clumsiness;
and continue with a lower case "whether your hair..etc.
5) Consider removing "A" before "Life is so precious"
6) Would it be more comfortable to say: It breaks
my heart that you'll grow up without knowing me.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. I'd love to
see you receive the best possible ratings and
reviews for your writing. Best of luck with this.
It needs a little work but it has wonderful potential. Keep on writing, TM ! I know you'll do well. I'm so glad to have had this opportunity to see your work.
This is a good poem. You wrote it with a
straight forward simplicity that makes
it accessible. It's a poem with a message
we can all relate to. I especially
appreciate how you wrestle with your
hopes vs your fears. It's all pretty familiar.
We've all been there at some point in our
lives. I have a couple of small suggestions
for you. You'll decide if they are useful:
1) Suggest changing "into" to in the eyes;
2) Remove "there" in the last line;
3) Think about your use of punctuation. Whatever you
do, be consistent. Consider placcing a comma at the end of each line that seems attached to the next line.
A couple of examples:
"Looking at you right in the eyes,
Hoping to see you in my future."
"Wanting to hold you close,
Never to leave you again."
I hope these suggestions are useful. I'd love to
see your poem get the best possible reviews and
ratings. Looking forward to seeing more of your
work. I'm so glad you're here.
Best of luck with this poem and your writing.
Gabriella
Your description of this
experience springs directly from
the gut in the heat of a terrible loss.
The poem is accessible and clear;
it reminds us all of those
sad times in each of our lives. Thanks for sharing
this poem. I have on small suggestion
for you to consider: think about removing
"And" in the two last stanzas. Otherwise,
the poem is fine the way it is.
I hope you continue on to write more, Tom. You
have real potential. Sing out
if you need help figuring out how
to navigate your way around the forum. It's
great that you're here. I
hope you're having a fine time.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a remarkable poem, Daizy.
You deserve much credit for having
written this wonderfully well constructed
story in poetry form. It is romantic and
tragic, reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet
in some ways. It's clear you put a good
deal of effort into this poem, Daizy. Bravo !
One small suggestion: change the
spelling of "lightening" to lightning.
Otherwise this piece is great: charming,
sad and deliciously old fashioned.
You did well, Daizy. Congratulations.
Write more like this. You've got real
talent. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a wonderful poem. You write
beautifully and you communicate
your message in such clear simple
terms, it's refreshing. I hope you'll
continue on to write more, Zelina.
You've got real ability.
A couple of small suggestions to
ensure you get the best ratings and
reviews:
1) I suggest changing dreamed to dreamt
2) Change "cru" to cry; last line in the 4th stanza
Otherwise it's great ! I hope you
and your little family do well, Zelina.
Best of luck with this poem
and your writing. I look forward
to seeing more :)
A gutsy powerful bit of poetry !
I like your style. Your writing is
articulate. And, you write
with a stunning bold pen. It's wonderful that you
are so comfortable sharing the hard truths.
Not so easy to read but admirable
and memorable, for sure.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I enjoyed my visit to your portfolio.
I'll be back to read more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is an intriguing poem. Robert Frost
would be so pleased. Have you read
"The Road Not Taken" ? Your message
is an important one. Bravo ! You write
well. I'm so glad to see you producing
so much good work :) Looking forward to
seeing more. One question/suggestion:
have you thought about adding punctuation ?
It's your call; it won't change the
quality of your poem. However, adding
punctuation might boost its accessibility.
One other suggestion: In the 3rd line, 2nd
stanza, I suggest changing ones to one's. Otherwise,
this is a very fine poem. Thanks for sharing it.
Looking forward to seeing more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a remarkably well written journal, Spencer.
It is a delight to read. You are a talented journalist.
I hope you'll pursue this talent now that you're home.
You write wonderful descriptions of your life and
experiences in Iraq. It was particularly interesting
to read your description of the military base with
its McDonalds, swimming pools, and movie theater.
I also appreciated your travels and impressions
of the US military impact on the private citizens.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. If you have
some photos of Iraq, I'd love to see them if you
decide to post a few here on the forum. Best of luck with your journal and your writing. I hope you'll
continue on to write more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Jason, this is a fine poem and a lovely
tribute to your son. You'll have to save
it for him. Your poetry tells the story
of a guy who is still hurdling some tough times
looking to put together a good life
a step at a time, for himself and his family.
You are the bright light in your poetry,
Jason. I have a feeling you're going to
do just fine. Thank you for sharing your
work. I hope you'll continue on to write
lots more. I have a feeling you're navigating
your way around W.Com comfortably now that
you've been here for a couple of months.
Still, if you need help, don't hesitate to sing out.
Best of luck with this poem and your writing.
I look forward to seeing more of your work !
Gabriella
Cara, this is an extraordinary poem. You write
beautifully. Your message is wrenching and sad.
However, there is a bright light that shines through
in this poem. It's your ability and how well
you express yourself. I hope you will continue
on to write much more. I see you joined way back
in 2003, and you did a bit of work on this
piece in 2005. I hope we can encourage you to
write more. You have real ability. If you're in
need of an upgrade so you have more space, please
let me know. I have a program for this as part
of my web site. I'd be glad to help you with this.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a fine poem. Your story is
wrenching and sad. It's well communicated
and drives home an important message
about lost opportunity. I have a
couple of suggestions for you to consider.
I'd like to see you and your poem
receive the best possible ratings and
feedback.
1) Consider replacing "No" trust in with Not
trusting anyone in the 2nd line of the 2nd
stanza;
2) In the 4th stanza, consider changing
"How I was blind the gesture" to How blind I was
to the gesture;
3)Change "To" to Too in the 3rd line, 6th stanza;
4)Change ...yes to Yes, I say with a sad face
in the 8th stanza;
5) In your last stanza, change "cling" to clinging.
I hope these are helpful suggestions. Best of
luck with this poem and your writing. A belated
welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're enjoying
it here as much as I am. Sing out if you need
help with anything. You're doing a great job !
I'm glad you're here. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a deeply painful poem fraught with searing anger and heartache without end. A tidal wave of sadness washes over this poem, reeking of lonliness and abandonment. This is a uniquely powerful rant. I liked reading your writing and look forward to visiting your portfolio another night to read more. You're a very fine writer. Best of luck with this piece and your writing, Gabriella
I'm deeply touched by this poem and your wrenching long journey. What an incredible gift to finally see your daughter. I hope the relationship develops and grows. Both you and she are are so very lucky to have each other. Thank you for sharing your story through this beautiful poem. It's remarkable. It seems that life has taken a beautiful turn. I hope so ! Best of luck with your poem and your writing, Geo. I'm glad you're here. All the best, Gabriella
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