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I like your poem; it's affirming and positive.
I admire your resolve and ability to look ahead
to better times in spite of tough moments. I have
a couple of suggestions for you. You'll decide
if they are useful:
1) Words like "I" should be capitalized. Since
you use capital letters here and there, best to
use them consistently throughout;
2) its should be it's;
3) "snynonymous to" might better be synonymous with;
4) remove so-called from the 12th line.
I hope these are helpful suggestions. I'd like to
see you position your poem to receive the best
possible ratings. You have real potential. Keep
on writing !! I look forward to seeing more of
your work :)
This poem makes perfect sense :)
In fact, it's a very fine poem,
well written with a message that
is wrenching and sad.
You're a talented writer.
I can't imagine suggesting any
changes. Bravo, C !
Great work. I hope you keep on
writing poetry. I look forward
to reading more. Warmest best,
Gabriella
This is a sweet melancholy poem.
Congratulations, Locksley ! You
write beautifully; I admire your
work and hope you'll submit it to
a contest or two on Writing.Com
for important feedback and support.
I can't think what to suggest
to make this poem better. I believe
it's quite good the way it is !!
Best of luck with this poem and
your poetry, Gabriella
An intriguing interesting poem, I loved reading it and thoroughly enjoyed every word. You're a talented writer. Thank you for sharing your poetry. I'm a wannabe writer; poetry is my new found love. So, of course, I enjoy rooting out fine poets on the forum for inspiration. I hope to get back to your portfolio one evening to read more. Enjoy the holiday ! Gabriella
This is a wonderful piece of writing.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I
admire it and you. The poem is
beautifully constructed and very
accessible. It makes for a fine read.
Thank you so much for sharing it.
Looking forward to returning
for another look at your portfolio
one night soon. Enjoy your holiday.
All the best, Gabriella
This is a powerful poem.
I found it deeply moving
especially in light of
what is happening in
Iraq. I admire this poem
and your writing.
Thank you for sharing
it. I hope you enjoy
the holiday. Gabriella
This is a beautiful smsll poem ! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Your poem is very well written. You paint wonderful pictures with your words. I particularly liked "Blushes of dawn painting the sky." You're a talented writer. I'm delighted to have visited your portfolio. I took a peek at your work. I hope to get back to visit again. It looks like a terrific portfolio. I'm glad to have met you. Warmest best, Gabriella
"Wonderfully" or "woefully" mushy poems sound good to
me ! This one is a beauty; it certainly comes under
the heading of wonderful, not sure about mushy. It's
powerful, very well written, and thoroughly absorbing.
It builds tension, bringing us right up to your abyss.
I loved reading it and enjoyed looking at your portfolio. You have much here that I'd love to read. I look forward to returning to read more one of these evenings. Thank you for sharing your wonderful poetry. Best of luck with it. All the best, Gabriella
This is a beautiful poem, Rosamund. I can't imagine suggesting any changes. It's a handsome, well structured poem; its message is heartbreaking and very powerful. The story you share is memorable. I look
forward to taking the time to visit your portfolio.
You write very well. I know you'll enjoy Writing.Com
as much as I do. There are so many wonderful opportunities to learn and grow here. Best of luck with this poem and your writing. Looking forward to seeing
more of your work, Gabriella
This is an anguished sad poem. You've made a good effort to share your pain through this poem. I admire what you're trying to accomplish. I have a couple of suggestions for you. You'll decide if they seem useful.
You know best what you intended and how you want this poem to read.
My suggestions:
1) 1st line: "use to" should be used to. Place
a period after happiness. Consider: We withdraw from each other as hardships and the passing of time ....
2) 2nd line: remove "As" and place a period after "eyes," and another period after "man."
3) 3rd line: Move "my" to right before "arms" and
remove "hand". Your sentence should read: I hold
my arms out for you, wishing you could see and feel
how much I care for you. Starting the next sentence
with Fearing. And place a comma after "come." "i'
should be I.
4)Begin the next sentence with That you are drowning
and suffocating is all I can see. I shed my tears when
you are not around. I am in pain.....etc
5) In the last sentence, change i to I. Remove "together" from the end of your sentence.
The poem is heartfelt and sad, it tells us that this
man is remote and consumed by his depression. You
beg him to come to you so you can comfort and help him. You believe the power of your shared love will
help you overcome what keeps you apart. It's a loving poem, one with real potential. You decide if any of these suggestions will help position this poem for the best possible feedback and ratings.
I'm so glad you're here. I hope you are enjoying
the forum. Best of luck with this poem and your
writing. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a fascinating poem. I enjoyed reading every word ! Its message is intriguing. The sea holds such interest; its mystery, depth and inherent dangers create a wonderful metaphor for chosing how we will live. To take the plunge requires some risk. I like
that your sense of adventure keeps you taking risks
and pursuing adventure.
I have a couple of suggestions for you. You
decide if any of them are useful:
1) Suggest replacing "the" with an in the
second line of the first stanza.
2) Place a comma after wearied in the 3rd line;
remove "And" in the 4th line.
3) How do you enchant ? Do you mean the ocean
in all its beauty is enchanting ?
4) In the 4th line of the second stanza,
"takes" should be take;
5) Do you think it would be better to
rearrange the first sentence in the 3rd
stanza ? Perhaps to say your bones shiver
at the mystery of her vastness instead of
"in her vastness."
6)Change "moves" to move in the third line of
the 3rd stanza
7)The ruthless storms is plural, so the sentence
should read "waves that wipe everything in their
paths"
8) Place a comma after ravines in the first line,
4th stanza and consider removing "On my way"
9) The use of the word "seen" at the beginning
of the following two sentences didn't make sense
to me. Perhaps I'm wrong to think it might be
best to remove them. You know what you intended,
so you will decide.
This is a good poem. I hope you will consider making
a few changes so that your poem with be positioned to
receive the best possible feedback. You and it are
well worth the effort.
Best of luck with this poem and your writing. I
look forward to seeing more of your fine work.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a beautiful reassuring love letter. It's deeply touching and a very special tribute to your relationship. You write well and this poem is nicely constructed; I can't think of anything you could do to improve on this poem. I look forward to taking the time to make a return visit to your portfolio. You are a talented writer. I hope you continue on to write more.
A belated welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're enjoying the forum as much as I am. Please ask if there is anything I can do to help as you continue. Have a
great holiday weekend. All the best, Gabriella
I'm a Sylvia Plath fan, glad to meet another.
I love this poem. It's wonderful, thoughtful
and well written. Bravo ! I hope to get back
to read more. Your portfolio looks like fun,
lots to read that is tempting and interesting
looking. You're a talented writer. I've peeked
at a few pieces, chose this one to review.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful work.
Best of luck with this poem and your writing.
Have a great weekend ! Gabriella
This is a beauty, Butterfly. I enjoyed
reading every word. It's reminiscent of
the exciting first moments of a new
attraction. I like your descriptions
and your poetry. I hope you'll go on to
write lots more. You're a fine writer
with real potential. I have a couple of suggestions
for you. You'll decide if you think they
are useful:
1) Change "i" in lower case to a capital I.
I see you have several like this to change.
2) I suggest removing the period after "stare"
in your 2nd line and changing the word "silent"
to silence followed by a period.
3) Do you think instead of "something" you
might use "someone" since you're talking about
a person rather than an object ?
4) In the 2nd line in your last stanza, how
about changing "is all I know" to All I know
is....
Other than these few changes, your poem is
a fine one. I'd love to see you get the best
possible ratings and feedback. You and your
poem are worth the effort.
This is a powerful poem; it makes a very sad statement about your relationship. How sad it is when love threatens to drain the breath of life from your very being. "Poison" is certainly an apt title for your poem. It's a good read and a well constructed poem. I hope you'll plan to write more poetry. You have real ability and wonderful potential.
Thanks for sharing your work. I've thoroughly enjoyed
visting your portfolio. Looking forward to reading
more of your poetry. Warmest best, Gabriella
This poem is a lovely tribute to your relationship.
Your description of your struggles to build a strong
positive relationship shows what making this kind of
commitment can produce. I'm so glad you were able to
see your relationship through rocky times to much
happier satisfying times. Congratulations !
Thank you for sharing this piece. I hope you receive
lots of positive feedback and helpful reviews and you
continue on to write more. There are many wonderful opportunities here. Ask if you need help of any kind while you're settling in. Warmest best, Gabriella
Joe, this is a beautiful love note and
a very special tribute to your relationship. It's
nicely composed and structured, Joe.
You write well. This is a particularly
touching poem. I hope you'll go on to
write lots more.
I've enjoyed my couple of visits to
your portfolio. I look forward to seeing
your poetry bloom.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Brielle, this is a beautiful and very nicely
written poem. It touched my heart. It's clear
the visit to the cemetary touched yours deeply. I
read every word with great pleasure and
much appreciation for your sensitivity and
powerful response to what you saw and felt
while you were walking around Arlington.
Bravo ! I hope you will continue on to write
more poetry. You have real ability and
potential. I look forward to seeing more of
your work. Enjoy Writing.Com and be sure to
ask if there is anything I can do to help
while you're getting settled. All the best,
Gabriella
This short story is good ! I liked
its ending. Well done, Z. You
told this story well. Its ending
made all the difference. Because of it
the story is memorable. I can tell you
enjoyed writing this one. I hope
you're write lots more.
Best of luck with it and your
writing. Gabriella
This is a simply stated poem with a
straight forward message. You
communicated your feelings clearly.
It is a good poem. I'd add the word
"see" to the end of the 2nd sentence
in the 5th stanza. The only other
comment I have is you don't mention
the relationship in your opening
stanzas. The reader has to figure out
what you're getting at as the poem
progresses. It evolves toward the end.
Something to think about. I'd love to
see this poem get the best possible feedback.
it's a fine poem. Thank you
for sharing it. I enjoyed reading it
and look forward to seeing more of your
work. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a beautiful poignant poem.
I loved reading it. All of us have
experienced our own version of
that wonderful first kiss. You did a good job
sharing all of its nuances.
Your poem is well written and
nicely structured. It is a fine poem and
you're a fine writer.
I'm happy to add my welcome to W.Com. I'm so glad
you're here and hope you're enjoying
the forum. Don't hesitate to ask if you
need help of any kind. Warmest best,
Gabriella
Once in a while I come across a poem that is special because the poet has thrown himself into the effort completely and as a result, created something special. This is one of those. This poem is heartfelt and powerful in its own way. Some of your sentences are disjointed and confusing, but the poem as a whole feels sincere and deeply felt. I have a few suggestions for you. You'll decide if they are helpful. I'd like to see you get the best possible ratings for your poem:
1) Go back and put the last bit of the first line
up with the rest of the sentence;
2) Tighten up your thought (4th line), consider this: Misery is a commpliment, trapped within this space and time;
3) Mis Commumnications is one word: Miscommunications;
4) Remove "ever" from the 3rd line of the last
stanza.
This poem is lively and interesting. I'm so glad
to have had a chance to read it. Thanks so much for sharing it. I hope you'll go to write lots more. You have real potential.
This is a beautiful love letter. What woman wouldn't love being on the receiving end of such a gorgeous tribute. It's really sweet and engrossing. You did a great job with this. The structure is excellent and the message is glorious. I have a few suggestions. You decide if they are useful. I'd love to see your work get the best possible feedback and ratings:
1) Never use thru instead of through;
2) Remove the comma from the 2nd line;
3) "Its" should be It's in the 4th line;
4) "Im" should be I'm in the 6th line;
5) Remove the comma in the 1st line of the
second stanza;
6) Place a comma after "moment" in the 2nd line
in the second stanza;
7) Change "there" to they're in the 3rd line,
2nd stanza;
8) Change "don't" to Don't in the 4th line, 2nd
stanza;
9) The second to last line feels awkward. What do
you think ?
I hope these suggestions are useful ones. You'll
make changes where it makes sense to do so. I'd love to see you get the best possible ratings for your fine poetry.
Thank you for sharing your writing. Best of luck with
your poem. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem.
You write well and do a fine job with
structuring and commumicating your message.
I found your poem fun to read. I have one
comment/suggestion. I think it's fine
to decide not to use punctuation. However
if you do that, I think it's good to be
consistent. You use a little; I think it might
be helpful to add commas and periods too.
Especially, if you're already using question marks.
Otherwise, this is a very fine poem.
I hope you'll continue on to write more.
You have real potential.
Warmeest best, Gabriella
Akilah, this is a very touching sad poem.
We've all been where you are,
feeling invisible, unexciting
and underrated. In truth,
most of those times, it's not
how others see me, it's how I
see myself at that moment. You mention this is
based on your life and some
of the things you've endured.
It would add greatly to your poem
to add a little of what brought
you to this place--to
build a little substance.
Your poem is one most folks can
relate to. The bright light in your
writing is your underlying spirit
and eagerness to write well.
That is a lovely positive piece
of your potential and your writing.
One that I hope
will spur you on to write more.
Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to seeing more :)
Warmest best, Gabriella
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