*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gabriellar45/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/2
Review Requests: ON
1,402 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
26
26
Review of Doubts  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Greetings. Tess !

A warm welcome to Writing.Com. This is a wonderful
place to write and enjoy making progress as a writer.
Now that you're here, I hope you'll feel free to
keep in touch. I'm here -- always happy to help if you
need directions. suggestions, or a buddy to read a
poem. I'm a mother and a grandmother. I live in
Vermont. I wrote my first poem here in 2006 :)

If you scout around a bit, you'll find:

Angel Army led by iKïyå§ama She is a wonderful leader
with a special program devoted to providing mentors for
new members on W.Com.

I like your poem, Tess. This is a touching message that many
of us can relate to. When you have a moment, look to
see if these couple of suggestions might be a help:

You wrote: But it's like they trying to stay.
Do you mean: But it's like they are trying to stay

You wrote: I know to God be the glory
But right now I'm having doubts
Do you mean: I know God is our glory.

Just when I thought I was rising to the top
I get knocked back
You wrote: Seems like the devil on the attack
Did you mean: Seems like the devil is on the attack

You wrote: But it's like they trying to stay
Do you mean: But, it's like they are trying to stay

Im trying not to listen
Do you mean I'm trying not to listen

You wrote: Negative voices getting loud.
Do you mean: Negative voices are getting loud

Whether or not you find these suggestions useful,
you are not obliged to change your poem
if you would like to keep it the way you wrote it.

I look forward to reading more of your poems, Tess.
I like your style.

Nice going, Tess. You're off to a
great start *Ribbon*

Gabriella



27
27
Review by Gabriella
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


To: MdMackey

Re: There Could Be Tigers

Overall:

Needless to say, this is a wonderful story. I read a bit about you
in your portfolio and noticed you consider your writing is "simple and
to the point." This is true. I admire your ability to tell this story
with just enough background and descriptions to paint your characters
and your surroundings sufficiently that we can see and will remember them.

Characters:

While there are three characters--Casey O'Hannon, Jason Cantor, and
the tiger--the story is rich and never feels as limited as your main
character's life is for a time . We want to know this man as
soon as you introduced your lady character to him. I have to admit, I
wondered how much his agoraphobia would limit the story's potential
to be interesting and memorable. I was glad to see your story move past the laundry room.

Dialogue:

This is a story that is built on conversations--not always easy to do. Except for visits to the doctors and Jason's encounter with the tiger, your story's
success depends entirely on your communications. Almost immediately, we
begin thinking about Jason's potential to move beyond his apartment.
I accompanied you on your walks and watched while Jason becomes
absorbed in his conversations with you sufficiently that he enjoys the
walks and slips past his imagined boundaries in ways that are no longer
painful.

The Role of the Tiger

While the tiger is not exactly the most likely way we'd expect Jason
to grow beyond his limitations, I decided his arrival on the scene
is a wonderful metaphor that reminds us "the next time someone tells you that there could be tigers, you had better believe him."

Last but not Least:

Having read that you are "retired after 37 years in healthcare -- caring for individuals with multiple disabilities." It's clear you know about and understand what it is to have a disability like Jason's. Your knowledge
and compassion added considerably to the depth and richness of your
story.

In Closing:

*Star* It is not surprising that this story won a wonderful prize. I bet this won't be the only time this story is recognized !


28
28
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)

To: Jay O'Toole

Another wonderful bear saga....what a treat it is to read this poem, Jay.
Bravo !! Your sense of adventure and the great pleasure you get from
immersing your readers in the emotional and physical challenges this gutsy bear must
contend with slide onto the pages of your stories with remarkable ease.

The following lines from your poem took me back to the chapters
I assume must belong to the first of these two stories. I must admit,
I became hopelessly attached to the father and son bears and would love to go
back to finish reading the remaining chapters one day soon.

Meanwhile, I loved sharing a few minutes of this Quest's journey:
"Quest fell asleep a pile of wounded bear and dusty fur.
He slept for days and woke in muddy rain with life unsure.
These earthen "gloves" cast Quest about in ways that seemed a blur.
This bear felt like a lump of clay pressed down by mud-caked hands
against hard trees and pointy rocks, through soupy, leafy plans.
He screamed for help o'er monstrous winds, unsure he still stood on land"

Your stories are as captivating and charming as you are, Jay. The life
you lead must serve as an endless source of thoughtfulness, good will, and positive
outlooks for your daughter to enjoy and follow.

Needless to add, you create lovely worlds for little bears to tumble into.

Nice work, Jay. This is another 5-star story in the making !


29
29
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Morningstar

Re: Your Story: "That'll Teach Mr Kronkite"

First Impressions:


You write with an ease that tells us you are an experienced story-teller who thoroughly enjoys telling stories, particularly delightful student-teacher pranks like this one.

This is a story some of us wish we had been brazen enough to experience first-hand without getting caught. If not a real-life experience, you strike me as having a wonderful ability to embellish
on an otherwise far less exciting account.

Think how gratifying it must have been to witness and write about a haughty teacher who believed he grew taller when he embarrassed a student. At the same time, the student in your story seemed remarkably calm and collected when she replaced the container of baby powder with itching powder !

This is what my mother's generation would have considered the teacher's comeuppance or just desserts.

The Purpose of the Story:

The moral of the story is the lesson this writer wants us to learn. The moral of this writer's story is to "be careful who you treat with disrespect or disdain."

Nice Work, Morningstar. I look forward to reading more of your stories.

Gabriella



30
30
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


To: Fantasy Rider
Re: From Hello to Intimacy

I have to ask: what happened to this communication ?
Did it end the way it does here ?
I thought you were going to tell an interesting story,
which is why I stopped to read what looks like
a fascinating tale that might have a clever ending of
some kind. You were off to an admirable start.

I like this: "the rabbit hiding in the tall grass may go
unseen by the hawk."

All the best,

Gabriella

..
31
31
Review of Illness  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings !

Thank you for your wonderful review of my "rain" poem. I've struggled to make it right for months. Each time I think I have it at last, I find a flaw. Not sure it will ever be right *Cry*

Thanks to your kind review, I decided to take advantage of your visit to return the favor by visiting your portfolio. The first poem I read is the one I chose to review. I was preparing for a terrible physical illness until I saw "heart sick." You're right: this is a wrenching illness, sometimes incurable.

This stanza is captivating and especially well written:

"We call it heart sick, heartbreak.
As though it were a wound that mends.
And not a series of scars that show
where you go and where you've been."

You have a fine selection of poems. I look forward to reading more of
your work.

All the best,

Gabriella
32
32
Review of Fruit Tarts  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Forgive me--this was written in haste.
This isn't a review so much as it is a note to
acknowledge this gorgeous poem.
An aside: I like the title: "For
Women Everywhere" so much better
than "Fruit Tarts." *Smile*

This poem is remarkably perceptive,
presented with clarity and effectiveness.
This is my top pick of the poems in your
portfolio. It is a poem to be proud of.
It is a wonderful combination of gutsy
and courageous, and unvarnished and
elegant.

(Needless to add, this writer is insightful,
intelligent, and a truth sayer. )

Bravo and warmest best, dear Raven,

N.

Do you know the Bene Gesserit ? --a powerful
ancient order of brilliant women whose
objectives and actions formed the
original group of women who were tremendously
influential in their day.
33
33
Review of Born Still  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


To: Retta Lynn
Re: Born Still

This is a tender, heart-wrenching poem.
What a lovely way to carry the memory
of this lovely baby with you:

"Spreading your wings,
was meant to be.
You my angel,
born to fly free."

The simplicity with which you
write to share your memory
of this dear baby is your poem's
greatest feature. Thank you
for sharing this with us.

All the best,

Gabriella

34
34
Review of My Mind  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

To: Megan Anna
Re: My Mind

A warm welcome to you Megan Anna !
I hope you are enjoying Writing.Com.
How lucky you are to have a buddy here
to help you navigate this bustling
writer's forum.

This poem is beautifully written, Megan.
You are a talented writer. The ways you
recall feeling trapped makes for
fascinating reading. This calls on us to
dig deep to think about those deep, dark thoughts
we have stored where they are hidden and kept
under lock and key.

I hope you are planning to write more
poetry. I look forward to seeing
future posts.

All the best,

Gabriella

.
35
35
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Arqam
Re: Flaws in the Education System

Welcome to Writing.Com, Arqam ! We're delighted to have
you here with us.

Your Essay:

This is thoughtfully crafted and beautifully presented.
You hit on some of the worst shortcomings in our
nation's education systems. We need more of you to point
at these, and take up your concerns with our legislators.
You make a good case for reform.
I hope you go on to write more, Arqam.

Alll the best,

Gabriella
36
36
Review of Truth  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)



Author: Thea Marie
Title: Truth

From a curious fourth grader whose enthusiasm and
curiosity were treated as a nuisance, to become a teacher
who loves having curious children in his classroom, has
to be a great victory.

You righted a wrong in ways that
are gratifying and rewarding for each and every student
in your classroom year after year.

Whether or not this is your story, it is a story that should
be posted in every classroom from 1st to 12th grade.

Bravo, Thea ! This is a delightful story. You told it well.

37
37
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Title: A Few Life Lessons
Chapter: 7: The Quest for Home
Author: Jay O'Toole

Molly Muskrat is charged with teaching Quest how to tie his shoes. This little one with his big bear feet finds it hard to manage this task. He pitches and rolls in an effort to reach and hold onto his shoelaces. Molly grows more impatient each minute. In a moment of frustration, she barks at Quest to scare him into pulling himself together to tie his shoes, causing a serious logjam. Molly's voice is much too loud for the little bear's ears.

This is where the author sends his beloved Ms Julie to rescue Quest. Ms Julie Jaguar wastes no time to send Molly packing rather than allow her to discourage and be unkind to this well-intended little bear who is finding it awkward to put on a pair of shoes. While Quest loves Ms Julie and the school, he develops a twitch over one of his eyes. It is hoped this will disappear as he regains his confidence.

Equally important, the school works at teaching Quest to develop
good eating habits. This is an impressive addition to this little bear's kindergarten education.

"The rest of the year came and went all too quickly for the enjoyment of little boys like Quest. When his Dad picked him up from school on the last day, he cried because he had grown to love his teachers and friends. As luck would have it, summer break means Quest will work with his Dad, and learn more about his dad's plans for him. "Where am I going to school next, Daddy? What do they call the next year after 'Kindergarten'?"

Quest's Dad responds: ""'First Grade." He explains:" this is a time to take a more school-like approach in the way we learn" subjects like arithmetic, writing, history, and a bit of science.. "I have found Carrier Elementary School in the deepest part of the thick forest. Your teacher is a gentle raccoon, named, 'Mrs. Dickerson.' You're really going to love 'First Grade,' Quest. I promise you!"

From the 1st to the 7th chapter, this talented author has shown us how he transports his readers and this adorable bear from one compelling chapter to the next without a glitch. He never overlooks an opportunity to teach this bear some of life's most important lessons, the kind every child should learn one way or another. Jay O'Toole's ability to remain loyal to his book's goal to serve as a powerful magnet for the eyes and ears of young children is his greatest asset.

Bravo, Jay ! Keep up your good work,

Gabriella



38
38
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Author: geomayr

Title: It is Well With My Soul

This is a loving account of this family's 92 year-old father's death.
It is heartfelt, real, and considerate. It is also a time when one
family member's sadness includes not having done more for their father.
There are always moments at a time like this when regrets and hard
feelings can surface. Eventually, those worries are replaced by good
will. In this case, love of family draws the mother and siblings
together to sing and pray at their father's bed before he is moved
to the morgue. "The lyrics flowed as Mama, Hannie and Dodong joined me singing:

When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea, billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well; it is well, with my soul.”


"When your parent finally finds peace, you realize that your parent is still teaching you about life."


39
39
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Author: Jacky

Re: Getting What You Need

Jacky's story is about a well known 85-year old author who writes best sellers. He has been dragging his feet, writing the final pages of a book
his publisher has been waiting for too long.

His publisher decides to send him to stay in a hotel, away from life's distractions to finish his book. Here in this glamorous hotel, he is treated like a king.

This author tells his publisher he can't live in the fancy hotel alone. He must walk each day for his health. and he must have someone to walk with him.

The publisher who will do anything to get this book written and published, calls this old man's grandchild. She arrives with her children to spend
a few days with her grandfather while enjoying their luxurious surroundings.

The publisher doesn't know the book is already completed. This wiley old author managed to pull off securing a free family vacation at a fancy resort hotel for the author, his grandchild, and her children.

Our talented author, Jacky, is a clever man who writes wonderful stories as well! He creates a charming character in this elderly writer who drives a hard bargain. Jacky not only tells a good story, he knows how to surprise
his readers with an unexpected ending.


40
40
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Yesmrbill

Re: Harborfields High School
Class of ’63, 50th Anniversary Reunion

This is an excellent description of your high school reunion. It must
have been especially gratifying to see the blending of a large group of
once -boys- and girls, to see the now-much-older men and women, who have mellowed and appreciate that they are mostly healthy, together again, and grateful to experience 1st-hand what the passing of time and life experiences have wrought.

"Another thing. While we are all 68 years old, have grey hair and some wrinkles, everyone I saw was filled with vitality. We are very healthy people; in very good shape for our age. I know I’m in much better physical shape than my father was at this age. The same can be said about most of my former classmates, who I met there. I don’t remember any of them having trouble moving. While many of us have some memory problems, they are very minor."

This is a wonderful report ! You approached it with a positive outlook,
an overall sense of your current value, and your worth-sharing life experiences. Thank you for sharing another of your well written pieces,

Yesmrbill

All the best,

Gabriella
41
41
Review of Smashed Potatoes  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


To: Yesmrbill
Re: Smashed Potatoes

This is a wonderful story ! We learn at the outset that you are a talented writer. You write with ease, and an ability to describe the story's backdrop as though you were right there. Most impressive, you write armed with a fine sense of humor.

Where the amusing conversations are concerned, your timing, and ability to emulate broken English are fine features of this tale. We read this is a story
that has been passed down through your father's family. I laughed and enjoyed every moment of this timeless tale.

I must add, your characters spoke and responded in ways that were just right for the situation. I particularly enjoyed the description of Aunt Marie.
Last but not least, your story is polished--minus errors--in ways that your readers are bound to appreciate. For this, you deserve praise. I hope you will go on to write more delightful stories.

Keep up the good work ! I look forward to returning to read more !

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.
42
42
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Hannie
Re: Cherry Blossoms

A warm welcome to W.Com, Hannie ! I enjoyed
reading your description of this romantic
encounter.

Your descriptions are lovely.
The brief conversation you shared with this
handsome man on the bench, is gentle and spontaneous.
Your smiles convey a shared attraction.
And, there is a sprinkling of sweetness that
permeates this touching exchange.

There is one moment I found confusing.
If I understood correctly, the man turns his
drawing pad around for this woman to see.
He drew a man. Assuming that
the person in front of him is a beautiful
young woman, why would she ask him
if she is the person on his drawing pad.
Take a moment to explain if you have
a moment to do so.

You write well, Hannie. I hope you will continue
on to write more.

All the best,

Gabriella

..
43
43
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
b}


To: Jay O'Toole
Re: Mrs Bear's Playschool
Chapter 6
Book: The Quest for Home

Isn't this grand ! Mrs Blair is a cheery hippopotamus with "a smile that could light up any room." And, Ms Jaguar assures little Quest she doesn't eat bears ! She tells us she is a "transformed" jaguar.

I have to admit, I'll be sitting close to Quest, a bit afraid of a creature I've never known to be gentle and kind. Oh dear, maybe O'Toole is hoping we'll overcome a fear that is fair enough, but clearly not a worry here in Mrs. Blair's school.

Last night I read about the South American Andean bears and jaguars, where illegal poaching steadily reduces the number of bears and jaguars. Ms Jaguar is fortunate to have this job where she is safe, and she can teach the little bears in her class to admire the beauty and agility of this school's graceful jaguar.

Meanwhile, "a tear trickled down Casa's furry cheek as he walked away, pausing every few steps to see his son enjoying his new friends as he forgot for the moment that he had a father. "Every parent's challenge," Casa thought, "is to let go, while still loving deeply."

Another great revalation: Ms Jaguar tells her small class: "Talking animals like those of us, who have Narnian blood coursing through our veins, often go to these 'dress up' festivals 'dressing up' as ourselves with a few variations to our appearance. We have learned to wear shoes, coats, gloves and hats to seem more human, thus 'blending in' to avoid frightening the humans as we talk to them to learn of their ways at closer range."

Ms Jaguar asks Molly Muskrat, her class assistant, to take Quest to the shoe room to find a pair that fits him. Then Molly will take him to the "gnarly juniper tree where she will teach him how to tie his shoelaces."

What a day this has been ! Little Quest is as happy as a little bear can be, having had such a wonderful first day. He realizes he is not only enjoying himself, he is also not afraid to be without his dad right now.

Jay O'Toole is a remarkably gifted storyteller ! He teaches us at every juncture. Two of his driving forces, love and a sense of adventure, capture and hold the interest of children and parents alike.

Bravo, Jay !
44
44
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Jay O'Toole
Chapter 5
The Quest for Home

"Time to start your schooling, Quest,
learn for life and class,
When we're Home's the time for rest,
effort helps us pass."

Chapter 5 opens as Quest's dad broaches the subject of school with his son.

He describes it well: "There is a bear school just a little further north in the forest outside their town. Mrs. Blair has a School for Learning to Play. You frolic in and around the trees! She shows you how to find berries that are safe to eat. She teaches you what types of snakes are friendly as well as the very important concept of how to recognize snakes with a bad temper, ‘whose bite really is worse than their rattle."

There is so much to digest and enjoy in this chapter. This father bear is a veritable fount of wisdom. I particularly enjoyed his explanation of "Making Hay While the Sun
Shines":

Dad:" The farmers have to work harder and faster during the daylight hours in October in order to get their crops into the barn before they go bad in the fields. We on the other hand have a long way to go today. Since we slept in so late, we now have a shorter day in which to go that long distance and find and make a new bed at the end of the trip. Does that make sense now?"

Quest: "O, Yeah! We've got to 'make hay, while the sun shines'! Now, I get it! Thanks, Dad! Great lesson!"

The long trek to school includes overnight camping and cooking. The father-son team push through tall grasses, to huff and puff while climbing up the ridges on to the plateaus. From talking about school, to making their way to school, this little bear and his dad bond in many wonderful ways. The author of this charming book is a wise man who takes great care to constantly reinforce, for our children, the definition of fatherhood and the selfless nature of a father's devotion to his family.


45
45
Review of Say What?  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Jacky
Re: Say What ?

This delightful story earns its "flash fiction" sub-heading !

It is a wonderful story with a closing twist.
The story opens with Lisa, the mother, and
Jayden, the little son.

Jayden is in the kitchen, sitting in his high-chair
playing, while his mother watches with great joy.
Lisa is also thinking about her monther-in-law.
She dreads her mother-in-law's visit. The
mother-in-law isn't especially appreciative of her daughter-in-law's
mothering. Each and every visit, the mother-in-law asks
when Jade is going to speak--an annoying question
she thinks is worth considering.

Over time, Lisa spends more time than she thought she
should attempting to teach her Jayden how to speak,
without luck. Eventually, Lisa abandons this foolishness.
She decides her child is fine. Lisa is determined to wait until
this adorable little one speaks on his own without
prodding. I won't share the outcome here. Suffice it to
say, this is a delightful story with a great ending !

Nice going, Jacky !

All the best,

Gabriella

.

46
46
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)

To: Jay O'Toole
Chapter 4,
Among the Fir Trees

Chapter 4 transports us back to the time with Ossie gives birth to her
dear little bear. She gives birth to Quest while munching on
White Willow bark, a gift from nature that humans are just beginning to
discover as having "healing properties." Both bears dream of happy
times with Ossie, devoted mother and wife.

Why is it Wrong to Steal:

This is the conversation every parent hopes to have with his or her children.
It shows Jay O'Toole's eloquence and fatherly respect for the youngest
member of his family. In this book, Casa's love and careful way of addressing
the young bear is cheerful and understandable.

This loving Dad is determined to explain the difference between right and wrong. What a wonderful vehicle this is for carrying moral imperatives to the children who are enjoying having the book read to them. Regardless of religious beliefs, stealing is wrong in every language.

This is a brilliant book written with purpose and devotion to children's upbringing in
a way that is down-to-earth, fun, sometimes serious, filled with opportunities for
young readers to ask questions and talk over some of this papa bear's commitment to teach his son to be a good bear.

Well done, Jay. This is a wonderful chapter !

Gabriella

.



47
47
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Cookson2
Re: Your Poem

"Love and cherish me as you promised
On our wedding day
You will always be my love
And be by my side every day
Loving you forever until God calls and
takes you away."

This is a lovely small poem, written
to remind a spouse the
vows made on their wedding day.
Nicely written, Cookson2.
Thanks for sharing.

Is this part of a series ?

Gabriella
.
48
48
Review of Unclear  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: iamwatiam
Re: Unclear

Written by the author:

"Time and time again I find myself lost
Lost in a world where I can't find my way.
Too many paths to choose, which one to take.
I hope God will help me find my way, I will give
thanks to Him and pray."

This is a spiritual message, one that is touching and
powerful. Putting yourself in the hands of the Lord
will be comforting. This is a lovely poem
written from the heart. Trust in God to help you find the
way to your next destination.

Gabriella


49
49
Review of "Lafitte Coin"  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Rojodi
Re: LaFitte Coin

The story begins in the store of an antiques dealer. A shopper, Nina Harrington, comes in to have a gold coin appraised. The antiquarian begins by telling Ms Harrington the curse and legend of French pirate, Jean LaFitte.

LaFitte attacked and plundered Spanish ships. In this legend, agents of the Spanish government searched for and found LaFitte. The men attacked LaFitte and removed his gold coins to divide among themselves. Lafitte begged the men to leave the coins behind. With a single shot, the leader ended the life of the buccaneer. It is said that Lafitte cursed the gold, saying that anyone that possesses it for their own greed would never have peace until the gold is given to someone less fortunate.

Nina didn’t want to admit that there is a curse on the coin. She tried to sell it to other dealers in the city, but all refused to take it as well, most using the excuse that they can’t legally purchase old coins. No one wanted the piece of gold.

One night while Nina was struggling to sleep, a voice in the dark came to her. She felt She trembled with terror. She called out, “In the morning, I’ll put the coin in Our Lady of the Assumption’s poor box.” Her room warmed. She heard the sound of a coin dropping on her bedroom floor.

Rojodi, this is a good story. You tell it well. It is a story with a moral. And, it is
persuasive. You capture our attention and you keep us in your grip throughout
the story and its outcome. if we listen closely, we can hear something beyond the reader's sighs—something that sounded like LaFitte's last laugh.

A few quick fixes are needed:

"French pirate that helped" should be: pirate who helped..
"The leader raised his gun and with a single shot to the head ended the life of the once proud buccaneer. Comma needed before with and after shot.
"Friends had been barely able to recognize her." should be Friends hardly recognized
her.

Nice work, Rojodi !

All the best,

Gabriella

.
50
50
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)



To: Jay O'Toole

Re: Chapter 3,
They Have Nothing But Themselves

How wonderful ! This adorable little bear and his Dad
have been reunited. Quest's dad has to explain that his mother
was lost in the earthquake. This is terrible news!
Fortunately, this dad is a loving, practical man. He won't allow
his son to cry too much in light of their need to find a place to settle
down to eat and rest. It looks like Peace Valley is the next stop.

After a terror-filled second chapter, it is a great relief for
readers and bears alike to find a patch of green grass and
a bit of food to rest comfortably before moving on to happier days.
I love this story and can't wait to read chapter 3 !
Bravo, Jay. You have a great sense of timing, starting and ending
this chapter just in time to catch the bears heading out for
their next adventure.

Just a few quick fixes are needed: Ms Fixit, at your disposal !

"expressions of love lasting"-should this be lasted ?
"They hugged and the rolled"-should be: hugged and rolled
or: they rolled.
"losing each other, again, any time soon." how about: losing
each other again, not anytime soon ?
"The terrible Mist" --is Mist a name ? "The terrible"-The should be: the
"Black Hole spit them out" --how about spat ?
"Coursing"--do you mean coarsing ?
783 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 32 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gabriellar45/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/2