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101
101
Review of He's Gone  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


This is a good poem *Thumbsup*
I found the 4th stanza doesn't seem as
strong as the others.

"Suchlike the way he smiles at She:"
An awkward sentence

Suchlike is a legitimate word but it feels
a bit rigid for this occasion.
"The way he smiles at She...."
Looks like "She" got popped in quickly
so you'd have a rhyme.
Not the best match for a poem

Words/phrases that rhyme with Me: *Smile*
1) Used to be
2) Barking up the wrong tree
3) Closed book, no more "We"

Otherwise, this poem is good !

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella from Vermont
102
102
Review of Mom's Bike  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


*Vignette6* A belated welcome to Writing.Com, Anne !

We are delighted to have you here with us. I hope you're making your way around this large, bustling writer's forum comfortably.

*Vignette6* I found your name and these glorious recollections of your early years spent with your family in Germany on the Reviewing Newbies pages. I am especially pleased that I was able to read a couple of your very special memoirs. I especially enjoyed "Mom's Bike."

*Vignette6* The flow of your stories is a huge asset. You choose your words well such that each sentence and paragraph is smooth as silk, articulate, and a treat to read. You are a talented writer, Anne. I found both of the pieces I read, charming and nostalgic. I was disappointed to
come to the end of each of these very special stories.

*Vignette6* I hope you will continue on to write more, Anne. I look forward to following your progress.

Bravo and warmest best,

GabriellaR45



103
103
Review of Rise and Shine  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


*Vignette6* A belated welcome to Writing.Com, Kimbug !

I hope you're enjoying making your way
around this bustling writer's forum..
It may be that you're fine and you don't need
much help these days. Still, if you think it might
help to join The Newbies Academy, here is the
link. This is a great way to make new friends.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1949660 by Not Available.


*Vignette6* Re: your "Flash Fiction" entries:

I read three. Each one is unique and all are
well written with an element of surprise.
I decided to review Rise and Shine"
Needless to add, the closing line came as
a heart-wrenching shock. You have mastered
the ability to write wonderful short stories
with surprise endings. It was a real treat
to read your flash-fictions, Kimbug. I look forward
to returning to read more.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

.
104
104
Review of Who Is They  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Micky:

These personal observations are wise and great advice.
I hope many people appreciate your message.
It serves as a wonderful reminder to avoid measuring yourself
and your good looks by someone else's standards.
This short, crisp piece of advice is excellent, Micky.
What a wonderful first post on W.Com this is !

All the best,

GabriellaR45
105
105
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


HIGHLY RECOMMENDED: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

 Was the Tet Offensive Really a Surprise?  (E)
Signals intelligence foretold the battle of Dak To.
#2141509 by Tom Glenn


This Author: Tom Glenn, a former National Security Agency employee, is the author of the novel "Last of the Annamese."
His Story includes: "Paratroopers of the 173rd Airborne Brigade filing past bodies of fellow soldiers killed in the Battle of Dak. The photographs are not included.

A Note from this Reviewer:

Re: "Was the Tet Offensive Really a Surprise" ?
This remarkable report is one all of us should read. Tom Glen Is an accomplished writer with an impressive background. He
worked in intelligence during Vietnam.

Mr Kelly joined Writing.Com on November 23rd. I hope you will welcome him.

Take a few minutes to read Tom Glen's bio:

Tom Glenn has worked as an intelligence operative, a musician, a linguist (seven languages), a cryptologist, a government executive, a care-giver for the dying, a leadership coach, and, always, a writer. Many of his prize-winning short stories (sixteen in print) came from the better part of thirteen years he shuttled between the U.S. and Vietnam as an undercover NSA operative supporting army and Marine units in combat before escaping under fire when Saigon fell. With a BA in Music, a master’s in Government, and a doctorate in Public Administration and trained as a musician, actor, and public speaker, he toured the country lecturing on leadership and management, trained federal executives, and was the Dean of the Management Department at the National Cryptologic School. In recent years, he has spoken extensively on his writing, offered many presentations on fiction craftsmanship, and, more than thirty times, given a presentation on the fall of Saigon. Maryland Public Television interviewed him and 15 others in its 2016 salute to Vietnam vets aired in May 2016, and his memoir article on the fall of Saigon has been published by Studies in Intelligence and reprinted in the Atticus Review. His writing is haunted by his five years of work with AIDS patients, two years of helping the homeless, seven years of caring for the dying in the hospice system, and Post-Traumatic Stress Injury, a consequence of his time in Vietnam. These days he is a reviewer for The Washington Independent Review of Books where he specializes in books on war and Vietnam. His Vietnam novel-in-stories, Friendly Casualties, is now available on Amazon.com. Apprentice House of Baltimore brought out his novels No-Accounts in 2014 and The Trion Syndrome in 2015. His latest novel, Last of the Annamese, set during the fall of Saigon, is now available from the Naval Institute Press.

The report Tom Kelly shares with us begins as follows:

"I learned the hard way during the Vietnam War that when intelligence is ignored, people get killed. I spent the better part of the war with the National Security Agency, often undercover. Time after time, I and my colleagues felt like Cassandra, the mythical Trojan princess blessed with foresight but doomed not to be believed. One example was the Battle of Dak To."

"By 1967, much of the fighting in South Vietnam was concentrated in the highlands, the mountainous region along the Laos-Cambodia border encompassing Kontum, Pleiku and Darlac Provinces. American military forces were drawn to the region for two reasons. First, it's where the enemy was: The North Vietnamese used the area as a redoubt. The terrain was rough and barren with a sparse population of mostly non-Vietnamese Montagnard tribes, driven there centuries before by the Vietnamese who seized the lowlands for themselves. Second, it was the site of a critical section of the covert infiltration network used by the North Vietnamese to funnel thousands of troops into South Vietnam, known as the Ho Chi Minh Trail by Americans."

Take a few minutes to read this excellent report. It is well worth your effort.Tom Kelly's photos and books are featured
on Amazon.

GabriellaR45


106
106
Review of Stranded  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Your Story:

I read your story with the kind of anguish only a mother could feel for her child in a situation like this. It is a sad story. Your character is fortunate to have an Aunt Meg. I assume this girl is old enough to have accumulated sufficient cash to catch a plane to California, and old enough to travel across the country alone. You raise the issue of how lonely school can be for a child who feels stranded and rejected. I wish the teachers and school counselors were more observant and capable of providing interventions for the kids who are cruel. I believe those kids are troubled in ways that are most often not obvious to friends and teachers. Thank you for sharing this sad story with us. Parents need to take these pleas for help seriously.

You made this case in simple terms, which adds to its effectiveness. Nice work, Bry !

GabriellaR45
107
107
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


"Hamlet the Elizabethan James Dean"

*Vignette2* Summary:

This is a wonderful, well written piece. I wondered from the outset if we were going to see the ghosts of Hamlet and Ophelia resurrected by Julia and Josh. While this didn't happen as I imagined it might, Julia's account of Robert's demise adds to this Hamlet-infused occasion. A raging storm provides a perfect backdrop for Ellen Wayne's discussion of Hamlet, describing him as “the Elizabethan James Dean”.

I agree with Agnes Grant: "There’s nothing in the play that makes Hamlet mature." Prince Hamlet was summoned home to attend his father, the King's funeral while attending school in Germany. This wasn't mentioned by the speaker, but it is a clear indication that Hamlet was a student. At best, he may have been in his mid- 20s when James Dean died at age 24. It isn't surprising that an actor “will usually not be privileged to play Hamlet in a major production without having risen to the top of his profession." No wonder our image of Hamlet has been drawn from mature, masterful actors. “Such famous players as Edwin Booth or John Barrymore in their prime could hardly pretend to be students in school. I think Laurence Olivier was about thirty when he played Hamlet.”

*Vignette2*What does James Dean have in common with Hamlet?

While the speaker referred to James Dean as having “lived too fast. Died at twenty-four. Always will be beautiful,” Hamlet portrays madness, from overwhelming sorrow to seething rage. And, he was guilty of treachery, revenge, incest, and moral corruption. Hamlet becomes a vengeful barbarian when he murders several people during the process of seeking revenge for his father's murder.

Ellen Wayne observes: “Yes, Hamlet’s the born nonconformist—like the James Dean characters in East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause. That’s their charm and attraction, and it’s what makes their lives so tragic.”

In Closing:

*Vignette2* This author's depictions of the lecture, the stormy night, and the story within the story --or is it called a "frame story" ? --were fascinating. Robert's, Julia's, and Josh's shared story was a colorful, albeit a tragic complement to this evening's chain of events.

*Vignette2* Who is this Author ?

James Foley Joined Writing.Com on November 8.

Born in Alabama. Raised on the classics: Homer to Hemingway. U.S. Navy officer (now inactive). 8 years of college studies. Some university teaching experience. A half-dozen stories and some poems were published in journals (e.g., storySouth, Southern Cross Review, Southern Ocean Review). One novel, MY War Love, has been circulated. We are fortunate to have
him here with us.
108
108
Review of Happiness Happens  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)



*Vignette6*Your Story

Jfoley, this is a wonderful story filled with fine descriptions. You write well. Your conversations feel real, and your characters are carefully developed to mirror the community's life styles, families, and friends.

*Vignette6*Dialogue:

This is another area where you shine. You seem to shift comfortably from story telling to conversing. You do this with what seems like relative ease. The conversation your guy had with Judith, the woman he still carries a torch for, is compelling and real. She is reluctant to see him and frightened to the core to resume their relationship.

*Vignette6*Analysis:

You take a complex situation and you boil it down to the one relationship and one person who really mattered. The man in this story makes a compelling case to his long lost love. She doesn't imagine she had anything to do with his decision to leave her sister when it was obvious to this man that she wasn't the right person for him. Her sister, the woman he really loved, pushed him off on her sister because her sister was lonely and she struggled with her depression and a lonely life. Marrying her turned out to be a terrible mistake. The sister died and her sister blamed this man for abandoning her fragile sister. Instead, he went off to the war, and missed the sister who has just returned for a visit.

*Vignette6*What next ? I wish you would write a sequel to this story so we can see how this painful relationship plays out.
Thanks for sharing this tragic story. I hope you'll go on to write more.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.
109
109
Review of Daddy  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Your Touching Story:

I read your story, remembering how it was to be a single parent
for several years. Fortunately, this changed and my daughter
was blessed to have a good step father who loved her and spent
time with her. I sympathize with the Dad in your story. At the same
time, I was pleased and relieved to see how the story ended. I hope
you receive lots of enthusiastic responses for this story. It is not only
a wonderful story, it is frank, and it is well written, J.D.

I have one suggestion: create a space between paragraphs.
The story will be nicely formatted, and easy to read once you
do this.

A few fixes are needed
:
You write:"red glow shown 2:44" should be showed.
You write: "Go get out of those wet cloth" should
be Go, get out of those wet clothes.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45
110
110
Review of Risky/Safe  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Your Question: Risky/Safe

I read and reread your question. And, while it's a relatively simple question,
the solution isn't as simple. Whether or not to text a boyfriend that you
don't see anymore but miss, is a tough one.

Is there an article in the papers, a notice of a new movie he'd love,
or a bit of news that you can forward to him with a note to say you thought of him
when you read this ? This errs on the safe side of your query. However, it also
gives your ex an opening to talk to you if he misses you like you miss him. If he has
moved on, he can thank you for your kindness even if he isn't interested in picking the
relationship up again. I can't think of a better way to reconnect without
putting him on the spot.

I hope you'll share what you decide to do if you can spare a minute or two
to do so.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.
111
111
Review of The Robbery  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)



A Warm Welcome:

We're pleased to have you here with us, Lisztgrieg !
I hope you are enjoying your visits.
Along with reviewing your story, "The Robbery,"
I am going to include links to a couple of
excellent programs set up to provide encouragement
and support for new members on W.Com.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1949660 by Not Available.

"Newbie Help And Support Group" 


*BoxCheckB*Your Story:

This is an action-filled story. I was right there, watching you
run, worrying that you'd be shot or beaten as I rushed through your
story to see how you fared. You tell a good story, Liszt.
What a wonderful first post this is !
I have a few suggestions for you. I hope they will be
helpful:

*BoxCheckR* in your opening sentence,
you write: "You gotta real be careful" I know you meant to
write: You've gotta be real careful.

*BoxCheckR* You write: "You might get robbed or shot, or, if you’re lucky, both."
I know you don't mean, if you're lucky you'll get shot and robbed'
Might you mean: if you're lucky, you'll escape both ?

*BoxCheckR* Taxi's should be Taxis.

This was a fun story to read. I hope you'll continue on
to write more of these stories. Liszt.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45


112
112
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)



A warm welcome to Writing.Com, Cassanova !

I hope you're enjoying making your way around
this wonderful forum. I am including the links to two of
the best programs set up to provide support and
encouragement for new writers.

GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy-Cheers for House Martell

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Your Poem: "If I Have Your Heart"

This is a touching poem and a
wonderful first post on Writing.Com.
I wonder if it would be good
to repeat "if I have your heart"
in the first stanza instead of using
the word own.

When you say " I don't care who
your with" ...your should be
you're ..meaning you are.

I have to admit, I didn't understand
the last two lines in this stanza.
I know how it is to look for the right
words. See if you can polish this
stanza a bit:

"When they find out about us,
they can't be too upset
-->Cause we found they thing
-->they wish they could get."

You're off to a good start,
Cassanova. I hope you continue
on to write more poems.

Bravo and all the best !



113
113
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Those wonderful summers spent with your grandparents

You were obviously as positive as a child as you are now, Steve.
Your descriptions of those summers spent with your grandparents,
and the fun you had with each of them individually, are uplifting.
I had a wonderful time with my grandmother in Maine during
our summer vacations from school. I know how precious
those memories of yours are. They take us back to a time when
life was simple, and happiness was there for the taking.
How fortunate you were to have such good, caring grandparents
who were also great role models.

You tell your story well, Steve. I thoroughly enjoyed reading
your recollections. I am going to enjoy
filling out a couple of your word search puzzles. I'm not
sure I'll want to report how long it takes me to
complete each puzzle.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

114
114
Review of Scattered Voices  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


To: ShireenP
Re: Scattered Voices

A warm welcome to Writing.Com, Shireen. I hope you're enjoying your visits and you've been able to find your way around this wonderful writing metropolis. If you would like to join a group of new members, I've included a couple of links well worth checking. You'll enjoy making new friends while you learn about the many diverse programs and contests available to you here on W.Com:

FORUM
Noticing Newbies  (13+)
A warm welcome to our newbies; come meet new and not-so-new members of Writing.Com!
#126963 by The StoryMistress

"Invalid Item" 

Re: The Pros & Cons: Vaccines for Children

I read your essay on vaccines for children. As I was reading, I was reminded It wasn't that long ago that preventative solutions for several killer diseases had not yet been discovered. Everyone who lived during the deadly spread of polio in the early 50s knew people who were diagnosed. Polio was a crippling, infectious, often lethal disease. The polio vaccine saved millions of lives. The same was true of the measles. We knew many families whose children endured long, tough recoveries from the dreaded measles. At one point, volunteers in many cities were recruited by the Red Cross to go into poor neighborhoods with nurses to inoculate the children whose parents could not pay for the measles vaccine. By the end of the fifties, measles, the way we once feared and experienced it, was obliterated by the polio vaccine.

In the early 80s, I taught at a school for the deaf. A number of the children's medical histories reveal that the measles (with its potential for life-threatening high fevers) caused or contributed to the loss of hearing. Once the vaccine was introduced, the potential for serious after-effects or death from the measles virus were dramatically reduced to mild cases or the absence of cases.

I followed a few of your well organized list of links and applaud your efforts to give all parents
a chance to learn the pros and cons of the vaccines our kids are given. I'm grateful for your research, Shireen. In addition to recognizing that certain vaccines are inadequate, and more effective advance testing should be required to avoid giving the vaccinations to children who will be allergic, it looks like a counter-productive piece of 80's legislation, passed to absolve pharmaceutical companies of any responsibility with regards to vaccine injury, has lowered the bar where accountability and the potential for moving forward are concerned.

You did a great job preparing this treatise, Shireen. You made a good case for boosting awareness of the pros and cons of vaccinating our children. It seems clear these vaccines need to be improved, and obligatory effective testing is needed to ensure our children won't be required to take a vaccine she or he may be allergic to. Have you wondered what the doctors who treated the children who lost their lives to these vaccines would tell us ?

Thanks so much for sharing your views, Shireen. Your presentation is articulate,
compelling, and informative.

GabriellaR45






115
115
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


To: BlackAdder
Re: Chronicles of Annaria

Back Story or a Prequel ?

While we know what a back story is, the question is: can this backstory also serve as a prequel, a work that forms a back-story to a preceding work. If Lady Adeline dies, this chapter may indeed serve as a prequel if this chapter is the introduction to BlackAdder 's NEW book. Having said this, I see the author considers this chapter a "sequel" which means it is a continuation of an earlier work.

I don't know the Chronicles of Annaria. I was touring ports, enjoying finding new work by bright, capable writers. I'm not sure how this story caught my eye, but it did. In no time, I was mesmerized by the birth of this baby. I worried alongside Lady Adelin while her husband persuaded her he had to go to a meeting. His wife begged him to stay. She could feel the birth of their baby was imminent.

Lord Northspire departed, and in no time Lady Adelin was giving birth. All that could go wrong, went wrong. We watch as Lady Adeline begins to feel weak and faint. And she is looking frail. She struggles to stay alert. With all her might, she gives birth to a baby boy. From this moment on, Lady Adeline gradually slips away while her two daughters look on. Her eldest daughter hangs on tight, begging her mother not to die. Meanwhile, Lord Northspire hasn't returned. I look up and see the story's subtitle tells us Lady Adelin will die.

Circle of Light and Dark:

The dark moments were filled with fear and anticipation. Lady Adelin's baby is on its way. We watch this mother slip away after giving life to her baby boy. The bright spots in this story are those affectionate moments when the Lord and Lady are together. He is devoted to his wife and is alert to her discomfort. He worries that she will exert herself, taking care of her duties, instead of waiting in
bed for the baby to be born. There exchange triggers our concern for Lady Adelin.

Pacing and Delivery:

What is somewhat unique about this story is the author's focus on the story--noting the absence of attention given to descriptions of his characters and their surroundings. We are able to visualize Lady Adelin's suffering. At the same time, we don't need to see what she was wearing or how the room was decorated. This is an engaging story. The author keeps the flow of the story going and he knows how to deliver those pivotal moments. These are his great strengths. With this author, we will always want to know what happens next.

Bravo, BlackAdder and all the best,

GabriellaR45



116
116
Review of Leave Me  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Fiona:
Re: Leave Me

This is a poignant piece that all of us can
relate to. Not sure if this was a romance
that fell apart, or a friendship that
crumbled. In either case, it is a sad moment,
and you wrote about it from the heart.
It is a doleful poem. Every one of your readers
can appreciate how you must have
been feeling when you wrote this.

Thanks for sharing your poem with us,

GabriellaR45
117
117
Review of A Beautiful Place  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Sherababy
Re: A beautiful Place

A Warm Welcome:

I see you joined Writing.Com on November 6, Shera.
I hope you're enjoying W.Com's lively writing forum.
This is a veritable oasis. Friend-making is a
glorious bonus for most of us. I know you'll enjoy your
stay. If you need help of any kind, don't hesitate to
get in touch.

Your Prose-Poetry

It was fun reading your prose-poem, Shera. I read and
reread this lovely piece. You paint a gorgeous picture of
the fog, sun, and moon, and their distinct roles in our
daily lives.

I particularly like: "Painting a brighter image, the
world on its toes, it can't fight off the moon and the
suspenseful glow."

This is a great way to introduce yourself, Shera.
Thank you for sharing your prose-poem with us.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.
118
118
Review of Pink Lemonade  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: l-fonzi
Title: Pink Lemonade

Your "Fan Fiction"

First and foremost, I wondered if/how "Pink Lemonade's" lyrics inspires your stories.

What you describe and how you relate to this young woman's lament is impressive. The stereo- typical child of an alcoholic mother, this young woman is bereft. A high school student, Merci's
visceral reaction to almost everything in her life is a mix of gutsy straight-shooting and loathing.

Your story deserves kudos for its clarity and sympathetic introspection. At the core of this story: When the doctor diagnosed their daughter's deep depression, her father looked at her with a dead stare "as the tears were pouring out of his eyes." Her mom "took a swig from her flask."

Merci's problems with her parents, combined with feeling unlikeable, renders her alone and lonely: "I walked into the classroom and claimed the seat in the back corner of the room. I called it the invisible corner." And, later on in the story: "I slashed my wrists and chugged over four various kinds of medication. What should've been a successful suicide turned into a failed overdose. I fell asleep in my bed and was devastated to wake up in the hospital; my parent’s angry faces hovering over me."

You tell this story well. And, you leave us moved by this young woman's plight, given her mother's love of booze, and her father's addiction to pain killers. Where climbing out of a painful, destructive family dynamic like this is concerned, you show us the challenge is not in the descent, but the ascent. Happily, Andi Bleu, a new student in her high school class, befriends Merci at the story's end.

Your format makes for easy reading. On the whole, this is piece is clean. I found a few small items that need fixing. I hope these suggestions are helpful:

*BoxCheckR* After "drive alone" I don't think you need this ->;
*BoxCheckR* After " You see" add a comma. It should read, You see, about a year ago,
*BoxCheckR* Add a comma after "emotionally drained, "
*BoxCheckR* Ditch the word "Well" Begin sentence: One fateful day my gym teacher said I either changed or risked failing the class, so I had no choice. My suggestion: My gym teacher made it clear I must change or risk failing the class.
*BoxCheckR* Remove "But" and "but" in that same paragraph.
"In fact, if it weren't for my father then I would be"--I suggest: If it weren't for my father I would be..
(eliminate: "In fact" and "then")
*BoxCheckR* Add a comma after "towards the door"

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45


119
119
Review of Song of War  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Tommy Mooney
A New Member, Writing.Com

Title: Song of War
Subject: Football

Structure:

This free-verse Poem is stunning !
An excellent pattern of sound and rhythm
emerges in these free-verse lines,

You have a natural ability to
paint the picture you want us to see
with your pen, Tommy.
Your descriptions of the football
players and their attire are
powerful. I am really impressed.
I hope you will continue on to write
many more poems.
You're a talented writer, Tommy.


Two Stanzas:

I especially like these two stanzas:

"The quiet thump of the ball
being pressed into the running
back’s chest as he vaults over
fallen brothers through the enemy lines;

The subtle crack of helmets
as the defender makes contact,
wrapping his prey before going
in for the kill assisted by comrades"

Your poem is nicely formatted
and well presented without errors.

Summary:

Nice work, Tommy ! You mentioned
your teacher may not be as impressed
as we are. If you continue writing
wonderful poems, I'm certain your teacher will
see the error of his ways.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45








120
120
Review of Writing  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Tommy Mooney
Re: Writing

Greetings !

A warm welcome to you, Tommy Mooney !
We're pleased to have you here with
us on Writing.Com. I see you joined us
two days ago. I admire your pace,
and the impressive work you've placed in your
new portfolio in a few days.

Your Poem:

I particularly like your poem, "Writing."
While, I admire Raymond Carver's poem,
I like your poem better.
Carver's poem was written to share
all of the odd and not-so-odd places
the fellow in his poem has fallen
asleep. Yours is more adventurous
and meaningful. It tells us
writing is this fellow's lifeblood.

Choice of Words and their Relevance

"He wrote about the gray cloudy skies.
And the blistering, hot sun.
When inspiration hit late at night, he crawled out of bed and wrote.
He wrote because he liked to.
Because he had to.
Because it told him more about himself than anything else.
Wrote about growing up.
Living life, having fun, falling in love."

Your Writing Style:

This poem's style reminds me of the "stream of consciousness"
writers. Similarly, in your writer's veins there is a fast moving,
never-ending flow of words and sentiments looking to escape
onto the page.

I enjoyed my first visit to your portfolio, Tommy.
I look forward to returning to read more.
I hope you will continue on to write more poetry.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

.
121
121
Review of Home  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


To: Mike
Re: Home

Alzheimers

This is a beautiful, dignified story. You show us what real love
is all about. You spoke with your dad with such respect
and appreciation for what he said vs what you wish he
could say. You are an inspiration, Mike. We should
learn from your selfless love and kindness. You left your
dad happy. Your affection and your effort to recognize
the man sitting at your table on his terms are
especially touching. It's not surprising that the get-together
struck a chord which gave your father great comfort and a
feeling that all is right with the world. I am deeply
touched by your story.

Your Writing:

You related your experience with your dad beautifully.
I was riveted and am so grateful for what you teach
us by example. You show us that love is greater than the
power of your dad's Alzheimers sufficiently to
turn an emotional and somewhat sad visit into a magic
one for your dad. Your story is heartfelt as is your sincerity.

Thank you for sharing your dad with us, Mike.
This is a stirring, lovely account of a
wonderful father-son outing.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

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Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Good afternoon, Dr Write !

Welcome to Writing.Com. I see you just signed on today !
I'm impressed that you wasted no time to post your "Personal Narrative."
You chose a wonderful example of your writing to share with us. I thoroughly enjoyed it !

Several years ago, I spent a couple of weeks camping with friends on a sandy beach on Prince Edward Island. We loved every minute of every day and night spent on PEI. We fished for our dinners, and found lots of small stands on the sides of the roads bulging with baskets of fresh vegetables and fruits. Needless to add, the PEI countryside is breathtaking.

Clearly, your decision to apply for a scholarship to join the Sears Festival produced a once-in-a-lifetime life altering experience. You mentioned the Watermark Theater. I enjoyed looking at their web page. The Sears Festival looks like a wonderful program. Most important, you took full advantage of every minute of every day and each acting challenge. This says it all: "This conservatory was a part of my life that fueled my desire to act. It was worth every second of it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat."

Your descriptions combined with your excellent writing produced a compelling first post here on W.Com. I hope you plan to jump right in to write more. You will serve as an inspiration to many of the new writers who follow you down this path by joining Writing.Com each week.

While you settle in on W.Com, if you have questions or need help,
don't hesitate to get in touch.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

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Review of Birch Trees  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)


To: Slick

Re: Birch Trees

First and foremost:

A warm welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're finding your way around this grand forum, loaded with fun activities, writing challenges, workshops, and courses. Below, you'll find links to two programs set up to welcome and encourage new members like you. You'll find it easy to make new friends, and you will always be able to ask for help to locate activities and a variety of W.Com newsletters.

GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy-Cheers for House Martell

"Invalid Item" 

Priorities:

This wonderful piece inspired my review, Slick. After reading it twice, to be sure I didn't miss a word, I decided we should talk about your format.

This will only take a few minutes.

While I admire this perfect rectangle format, I found it tough on the eyes. I mention this because I believe it may discourage readers in its present form. This grand block of words, planted with great care in this box, catches our attention, which is good. Having said this, try breaking your writing into several well placed paragraphs. Step back to see if you agree, it looks better and is more inviting.

This change will give your readers a chance to review comfortably. It is a grand piece, Slick. The second step I suggest is you take a few minutes to shift from all caps to caps and lower case. This will shift attention from the box to your writing. I hope these suggestions are useful.

Your Writing:

Having read this piece all the way through, I can honestly say, it is worth the effort to make it as warm and accessible as your lovely descriptions are, Slick. You invite us to walk in the woods with you to find the "magical place where hundreds of tall trees reach to the Heavens, standing side by side like soldiers." While you're walking you recall the long winter walks you enjoyed in these woods in the long-ago past. You display it as beautiful and peaceful with your writer's virtual brush.

Quick Fixes In closing, I found a bunch of small errors that I will be happy to share with you, along with offering easy fixes. I will be happy to send my suggestions to you via email. Receiving suggestions by email may make them easier to work with, especially after hours when you can do this in your favorite chair.

Nice work, Slick !!

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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Review of Independence Day  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Royal Eduardo
Re Your Crime Stories

After reading this crime story, I came away wishing you had
more 13+ or E rated stories simply because those
ratings will make it possible for your work
to become more accessible.

I can see why this crime story has an 18+rating.
Sadly, the great victory in this story is the
father, a terrifying man who beats his
daughter endlessly is set on fire
by his wife and daughter.
They commit this crime without a moment's
hesitation and a glimmer of regret.
The mother and daughter have spent a lifetime
living with violence
such that they can retaliate with a
heinous crime without giving it a second thought. How are
they different from the vicious husband/father ?

Setting aside how we judge crime stories, your story is
well written. I hope you'll take some of the
talent you've given over to ratings that prevent
you from being seen, to write stories
with the ratings that will make it possible for you to
become better known and recognized in the larger
W.Com community.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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Review of Tragedy  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Fonzi
Re: "Tragedy"

First and foremost: A warm welcome to Writing.Com,
Fonzi. We're so pleased to have you here with us.
I hope you're finding your way around this busy writers
forum. If you haven't already, take a few minutes to check out
a couple of wonderful programs set up to welcome and
and encourage new members:

GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Feedback for your poem, "Tragedy."

This exceptional poem is laced with pain, sensitivity, and
wisdom, Fonzi. Wisdom that comes from having had an intimate
relationship with drugs and/or alcohol. Whether you know
this story as a result of having experienced it, or you write
out of caring and concern for those young people who
struggle with an absence of adequate loving care and support,
you've given your young readers something to think about
while you also reach out in an attempt to lift the pain.

Each well thought-out line in this poem folds seamlessly
into the next line. It is a fine poem. And, you are a talented
writer, Fonzi. I hope you continue on to write more poetry.
I look forward to returning to read more.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

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