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This story, er, novel? has great potential. It's a unique idea that many teens and older would love to read.
However, as all authors know, there's always a big "but" that comes with rough drafts. That's to be expected, right? So here's my big ole but. Take from it what you will.
Prologue
The dove alit upon a branch close to the young man and sung sang sweetly. The man turned his eyes to her and smiled warmly. — How does one "smile warmly"? Show, don't tell.
"Hello(,) little dove. How are you this fine morning?" He asked her. — The "he asked her" isn't necessary. Coupled with the dove's actions, the reader clearly knows who is talking.
That may seem crazy, but trust me, I am very used to crazy by now." The man informed the bird in a conspiritualconspiratorial manner. — How do you inform in a "conspiratorial manner"? Does he wink? Lean forward and whisper? Wiggle his eyebrows? Show, don't tell.
This should be the start of a new paragraph —The bird laughed again in her high-pitched chirp and before his eyes changed into a beautiful girl . . .
Uh, oh! You changed POV! — As he stared, shocked, into her eyes, he found that they were the same blue as the deepest parts of the ocean. . .
"I very much understand you(,) sir. In fact, I believe your uncle to be right. We'll have a beautifully, warm summer yet." She told the man. — Again, we know dove-girl is the one speaking. "She told the man." isn't necessary and the readers can immerse themselves better if it is left out.
Now, I see that dove-girl reprimands the man for swinging her around but I found myself a bit irked at this part. The reader wants to believe a story can really happen. They want to be the character. It is difficult to believe a man would swing a strange, beautiful girl around in his arms. It is also difficult to believe that the woman would accept such an action, no matter how handsome the man!
"Oh(,) my dove, I think we are going to have a lovely time together." He said jubilantly before setting her down gently. — How does one say something "jubilantly"? Show, don't tell.
As an aside, I wanted to point out the many adverbs in this piece. Some authors have no problem peppering their stories with "ly" words (I'm reminded of the book, Redwall). Other authors say "ly" words create a lazy author and that there are better ways to phrase a sentence. I have to admit, I lean toward the latter camp. So this is just my opinion but your story could be improved by cutting out some adverbs.
"You are absolutely right(,) dove," he bowed deeply, making the girl blush(,)(.) "William Hale, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you."
"My name is Elizabeth Winter. I am just dying to learn more about you(,) William."
The last paragraph in the prologue leans heavily on telling, rather than showing. The reader wants to experience the story as it progresses, through Elizabeth's experiences and memories, not be told what will eventually happen. I would take this last paragraph out.
I know from experience how overwhelming it can be to get an in-depth review. I've had several stories that almost covered my stories with that dreaded "red ink" When I have the time, I go back and fix my mistakes. I'm still learning (commas are my kryptonite!). That said, I'm only reviewing your prologue for now for easy "digestibility". I'll send a separate review for Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 later.
So I was out tromping through the stories in the newbie section and found yours. Thought I'd do a little helpful picking, if you don't mind.
I shrinked shrink back into my large winter coat as another chill rolls it's its way down my spine.
I didn't think much of it, it was probably children playing joyfully, until the cry came out became louder.
She was a scrawny thing, and couldn't have been older than seven (7).
I let out a shocked gasp and moved fell to my knees to cradle the little girl, taking off my jacket to wrap around her.
Her eyes were an evil color, pure black. We learn the girl/demon is evil through the course of the story.
I was on the move again, jogging evenly towards my small house...
The snow crunched furiously as I moved ran, and I kicked it up behind me.
A large, unhuman inhuman grin came to her face.
Don't forget to start a new paragraph when someone speaks. i.e. when the girl/demon says, "Hungry...for flesh."
Also, whenever someone speaks and then you write, "she said" or "he cried", etc. you need a comma after the quotation, but before the quotation marks. So instead of, "Hungry...for flesh." She said. The proper punctuation would be, "Hungry...for flesh," she said...
I was rooted to the ground, no matter how hard I tried. Tried what? To move?
This sentence: The demon moved with lightning speed... should be the start of a new paragraph.
My vision turned black, but my eyes were still open. I was staring at not a little girl, but a pitch black demon with terrible coal eyes. If her vision had turned black, how could she see the demon?
Keep an eye on your tenses. You start the story in present tense (I shrinked back...another chill rolls it's way down my spine) and then switch to past tense (I crunched through the white powder). Keep it consistent.
I also noticed you use a lot of adverbs that end in "ly". I know there's controversy in the world of writing over the use of "ly" adverbs. PersonalLY, I find their overuse distracting. This isn't something that you necessariLY should change but it could make your writing richer if you use less of them.
I was in a read-and-review mood tonight and my appetite turned towards essays. Lo and behold, I found one written by YOU!
I live in an area with many, many homeless folks. It's a sad epidemic. I think you hit the nail on the head with the three common reasons that a person ends up on the street.
If I may nitpick your formatting, I'd like to suggest you leave a space between each paragraph or indent each paragraph. Doing so will make it easier for the reader to, um, read.
Thanks for the interesting essay! Hope you stick around and come out to play more. There's many contests and activities and so much interaction to be found here.
“So their they're threatening Lizard Girl with her mother?”
Also, the supers only check out the one museum they can think of even though there are clearly two different museums (art and "ancient things"). That seems to be inconsistent. Might want to tweak that a bit.
I thought in the first story the secret door in the tree had been locked?
This sentence needs to be fixed: “They weren't always Lizard Girl and mine, you know. A different superhero, and an old woman by now, I'm sure, used to have this hideout.
Loved reading this sequel. Kinda makes me wonder if Gramma is going to be the villain!
Once upon a time there was a man named Dick Casey. Everyday, he met with broads who slid him some spinach to find their lost sisters or a flattie would toss him some berries to help catch the latest serial killer.
One day, Casey pulled the collar of his overcoat up, smashed his fedora on his head, and hurried out to put the screws on a goon by the name of One Eyed Bart. Casey suspected the cat was working with Big Eddy down at the docks. And they weren't bringing in fish.
"Hey there, Bart," Casey growled, stepping out of the shadows behind the old hash house. Bart dropped his gasper and reached for his bean shooter. Casey lifted his own gat and shook his head.
"No need to burn powder. I ain't lookin' to haul you to the big house. I'm here for the rumble on a catch Big Eddy is expecting tonight."
"I ain't no stoolie," Bart spit onto the alley floor.
Casey slowly reached into his pocket, pulled out a yard, and held it out to Bart.
"I ain't interested in yer scratch, neither. Kale ain't no good to a stiff." Bart sneered. "Now if you don't mind, it's time fer me to drift. Got an appointment to keep, you know." Casey's gaze narrowed as Bart's backside disappeared inside the restaurant.
"Because of that," Casey mumbled, stuffing the cabbage back into his pocket, "I'm gonna have to to tip a few with Max." Casey sighed at the thought.
Casey tossed some sugar at a hack. "Fifth and Garfield," he told the cabbie. Tina's was the most popular gin mill on the east side of town. It was also the best place to find Max on a Friday night.
"Casey!"
He grinned as Max sauntered toward him, fingering the ice around her pipes. "It's been a long time since we've bumped gums," she purred. She grabbed his arm and leaned in to smack his mug, leaving behind a red smudge of lipstick.
"Tina, how 'bout a cup of joe?" Casey sank onto a barstool, forcing Max to release his arm.
"And I'll have a jorum of skee," Max winked, "Since my friend here is paying."
Casey sipped his javva, "Word on the street is there's a certain party goin' down at the docks tonight." Casey stared at her over the rim of his coffee cup.
"You're putting me behind the eight ball, Casey. You know what'll happen if I sing..." she trailed off, her lips puckering into a pout.
Casey bought her another round until finally, Max pulled a card from her bosom, grinned, and slid it across the counter. "I might be a bunny but you're just too cute to resist."
With a frown, Casey took a slant at the scribbles on the card. "Thanks for the drinks, toots."
According to Max's information, the big event was supposed to take place at seven in the evening. Casey took to the shadows at six. With narrowed eyes he watched as men started creeping onto the docks.
"You've been made, Casey!"
Casey jumped and swore as a Roscoe pressed against his back.
"Hey, boys!" the voice called, "Look what the cat drug in!"
With a rough nudge, Casey was encouraged to move forward. His eyes flickered over the group of people gathered at the dock. Their eyes narrowed as he stepped from the shadows.
"Dang it, Casey!" Big Eddy grumbled, crossing his arms over his massive chest, "This was supposed to be your surprise birthday party!"
As the gun shifted away from Casey's back, he tipped his hat at his friends and family, "Surprise!"
Ah, I poem that I can clearly understand and follow the meter of! Thank you!
I loved reading about your (true) story about Ireland. Pretty neat that they allow cows in the middle of town, in Adare. Sometimes I wish we didn't have such prohibitive laws here in the states. I'd love to have a cow in my backyard!
I suppose my only nitpick would be the line strange light to behold did appear!
I thought, at first, that the light was from a car's headlights but then I looked back and saw you were "strolling". Before I read that this was based on a true story I was thinking "aliens!" but I was wrong agan. So I'm not sure where the light came from or why it was part of the story...
Otherwise, very nice. I've always dreamed of visiting the Green Isles so I love reading stories and poems about both Ireland and Scotland.
Just read your story, The Bob. What a great laugh!
I loved how Bob fixed the so-called stars by using duct tape. And that paper clip was a great touch. Now if he used WD40, that would have totally completed Bob's "tool bag".
My only nitpick would be the way Bob expresses himself when the aliens invade his room (Jesus H. Christ). I think that if Bob "exclaimed" something unexpected, the reader would find it funnier. One of my favorite ways to "curse" is to say: "Son of a motherless goat!"
Hello! I was in a reviewing mood tonight and came across the first chapter of your book, The Sphere. Thought I'd throw my two cents at 'ya.
Now here's the good, the bad, and the ugly in all it's glorious glory:
This sounds like it would be an interesting Y/A book (or perhaps series?). After reading the first chapter I am curious as to what will happen next with Jay.
I'd wait on having this story published. It's a good idea but it's still rough. Have you had any family or friends read and give opinions? Have you had anyone act as an editor on your behalf? From this first chapter I can tell it needs some editing before it's published.
You need indents for each new paragraph. It's hard to read without any white space or indents. I'm assuming you indented for your book...?
The grammar in this sentence is wrong: Him and his father did share one thing, both fought with weak abilities for the league they were in. It should read, "He and his father didshared one thing..."
Too much telling and not enough showing. The different fighting divisions can be revealed throughout the story, through conversation or acting. For example, if Jay knows his mom is going to be watching the fight, you can show the history of Jay's father being a fighter through her concerned speech. "Oh, Jay, you don't really want to follow in the footsteps of your father...", etc.
As is, it's a bit hard to get into the story, though once I got to the action I felt myself pulled in.
You don't need to use an onomatopoeia (CRASH!) when Jay falls. The next sentence, He slammed into the ground... tells the reader what happened. The "CRASH!" is a distraction and throws the reader out of the story.
Jay's f-bomb seems out of place.
The ref's rules need some work. The "obey my command at all times" especially threw me off. Being telekinetic, it seems that part wouldn't need to be said since he could pull the fighters apart at any time.
I love where the ref says, "Go to war." Perhaps use an exclamation point at the end of that line.
I would take out the line,"It would have knocked out a normal human, but Jay was resilient to being knocked out because of his healing factor." For one, we've been told several times that Jay can heal himself so this is a bit redundant. For two, it's not really needed. The reader can easily deduce that he's still conscience and since we know he has a sort of "superpower", can believe he wouldn't be knocked out from such a fall.
Whenever Jay thinks something, it should be in italics.
This sentence, "Jay used the momentum of his fall to roll all the way over his shoulder backwards and land back up on his feet. seems awkward. All the way over his shoulder backwards? I'm not really seeing it. Something is "off" here.
It feels like there is an inconsistency with the knitters. They can heal but sometimes they can't heal completely?
Instead, I would recommend that breaking an arm to force a tap-out is "bad form" and/or "highly frowned upon".
Though now I'm wondering why breaking an arm would be bad but dropping someone from a fifty-foot height and breaking their spine is okay...?
"Then, placing his hand on Jay's, he rose it into the air, and the crowd cheered for him." Instead of "rose", I'd suggest "lifted".
Jay's mom "suddenly" being in the audience at the end seems a bit out of place. She doesn't seem thrilled with the idea of her son fighting so would she really be there, watching?
Jay didn’t really want to fight here, it was his first and would most likely be his last bout. He had to do it, though, and he wasn’t completely sure why. Just that lately it had been irking at him, that he wanted to get into the sphere and feel what it was like. To feel what his father felt. This part seems wishy-washy. Jay doesn't know why he needs to fight...yet he does, because he wants to feel what his dad felt? Really? As a reader, I felt myself getting bogged down with this. Jay should be more decisive: he either knows why he's fighting or he doesn't. Does he want to prove himself? Redeem his name? Take his rage out on another human being? Or maybe tweak the story so every young male has to prove himself worthy by fighting in the sphere.
We've already been told the fighters wear shorts and only shorts. So when Jay hops on Marek's back and is blasted into the air like a backpack (nice visual, by the way!) we don't need to be told again. Instead, show (there's that word again!) how he only has Marek's slippery back to hold onto.
To recap: This chapter could be fleshed out more with showing, rather than telling. There are too many redundancies and a few inconsistencies. It's a wonderful idea but still reads like a rough draft. I would strongly recommend finding someone to help you edit before publishing on Amazon.
Welcome to WDC!
This is a great place to come to improve writing skills and make friends.
I was perusing the newbies and came across your story, A Big Mistake, and thought I'd throw my two cents at ya. A lot of reviewers here have disclaimers about taking what you will from the review and throwing the rest aside. I think that's so they don't inadvertently hurt the author's feelings. Well, I don't have a disclaimer but I do want to point out that I'm trying to help, not hinder.
You ready?
Here it goes!
Whenever you write numbers in stories, they should be written in word form. So, "fourteen" rather than 14.
I don't think Natalie was "stupid". She was raped. It wasn't her fault. Now if she'd been sleeping around with multiple partners and not using protection that could, arguably, be considered "stupid".
Be more specific with the hospital tests. Did Natalie bump her head and need a CAT scan? Did she have broken bones that needed x-rayed? HIV tests? Also, as a mother of 7 I know it's not common to discover pregnancy before 7 days. I checked online to be sure and found that a urine test will show pregnancy from 7-14 days after sexual intercourse. A blood test might show a pregnancy more quickly, but it depends on when implantation occurs (sperm can live up to 7 days) and it can take awhile for the hCG levels to build up enough in the body for the tests to "read".
All that to say, Natalie probably wouldn't have found out she was pregnant within her week stay at the hospital. It would be more realistic that she would have to return to the hospital or her family doctor to be tested for pregnancy.
Why would the doctors keep asking if she was going to abort after finding out they were Catholic? Seems after the first time asking they'd know Natalie's religious background.
Does Natalie have to testify in court? Does she meet the other victims? She seems a bit blasé about the rape. Where is her emotion? Is she angry? Scared? Depressed?
In your second paragraph you say Natalie was "out cold" three different times. It becomes a bit redundant. Can you think of a way to rephrase?
Again, research is needed when dealing with pregnancy "stuff". Natalie wouldn't be able to go immediately back to cheer after giving birth. Most women are advised to not exercise for six weeks after giving birth. Would Natalie be allowed back into cheerleading while waiting those six weeks or would she have to wait until the next school year to join cheer again? (I honestly don't know the rules on that but it'd be worth looking into so the story is more credible).
Describe the villain. What does he look like? How is it that he hasn't been caught before, since he always returns to the scene of the crime?
This isn't the 1930's...most pregnant teen girls don't hide their "condition" but instead, flaunt it. You should ask yourself if hiding a pregnancy is something a girl or her family would really do in 2017-2018. Unless, of course, this story takes place in the past? If so, the information needs to be revealed somewhere in the story.
One big thing:show, don't tell, in your story. For example, instead of saying, "A guy started to follow me" you could say something like, "As I tossed a bag of rice into my grocery cart I caught a flash of movement by my side. I glanced past a display of tomato sauce to find a pair of dark eyes fixed on my face."
Show us what Natalie is doing with her movements, her facial gestures, her thoughts and feelings. Show us the scene around her. By showing, the reader can feel like he or she is in the story.
When Natalie is grabbed is it dark outside? How is she grabbed and knocked out, in a public place, without anyone noticing?
I think this story is a good rough draft. With more work, it can be a great example to other girls on how to handle rape (should they find themselves in that situation) and a great way to promote adoption rather than abortion.
I found myself drawn into this story and now I'm curious as to what's in the Wild. I was also left wondering...will Jan and Sanya be caught by the Elders? If you continue this story, I'd love to read more.
I did notice that at one point you called Jan "Yan". Typo?
I also would have bet you'd win the Cramp if you'd bolded the two required sentences...
First off, I have to say
Poetry is not my forte.
But here I am and I will try
To understand and eat...some pie?
See, I told you.
At any rate, I liked your poem and I don't say that lightly. Most poetry, like art, I just don't "get". But I think I understood this one that you wrote. The Dark Horse is, um, the darkness that wants to come out of you, right?
Or maybe you're just imagining a horse running alongside you in life. I used to do that as a teenager. I'd imagine a beautiful horse was galloping alongside the vehicle as my mom or dad drove. It would leap over signs and run under bridges. That imaginary horse made long drives bearable. Eventually I let the horse free and imagined up a pack of wolves that kept me company during the class I loathed the most: gym!
But I digress.
Spelling is spot-on, though I honestly can't say if the grammar is correct. Poetry, especially free-form, can really be however a person wants it to be. It looks good to me, though.
I especially liked the lines, He walks with an unassuming gait/His hooves heavy with his weight.
My only suggestion? Perhaps you could find the white horse inside and let it free. Don't let that dark out!
Well, that ending is one way to make me shoot milk from my nose! I had a good chuckle over that.
Might I make a suggestion? Writing a story in third person present tense is distracting for a reader (unless, of course, you're writing a t.v. script or play...). If you write in third person past tense it flows better and the reader can "get into" the story.
This was a wonder short story. I can just picture that indignant leprechaun sitting in the tree. And the way it came full circle with Sandy tricking Alex out of gold? Loved it!
And here I thought Santa preferred milk! You know, I always wondered what made Rudolph's nose glow.
I loved the way you closed this story, with Rudolph being a cheat at cards.
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. My only suggestion would be to show more action through the reindeer's movements. i.e. "trotted back" instead of "started back". Or perhaps one of the characters could be shaking his antlers, flicking a tail, or stomping a hoof.
But that's just me. As it stands, this is a great story.
The mystery of the flying reindeer is finally revealed!
Abby, this piece made me chuckle out loud in several places. The end was an awesome twist, leading me to wonder if Beth will become Judi's arch-nemesis.
I read through all seven parts of your story and I have to say, it drew me in. I do, however, have some nitpicks. Hopefully they'll be helpful. :)
The reader needs some kind of indication when you're changing character perspective. Jumping from Jay's POV to Andy's is a bit confusing in this format.
In part 3 when the pastor's daughters accost Jay in the bathroom, you wrote, "Then, the brunette (Bailey? Lisa?) grabbed Jay’s wet clothes and they both simply walked away."
But...Jay wouldn't have had a clue as to their names, as she wasn't in the room when Lisa and Bailey were introduced.
I also find it interesting that in all their travels they haven't met many people...and then all of a sudden they're finding folks in a church and an old Rite Aid.
I'd also like to know how the zombies came to be...
And is Andy a man or a boy? At first I thought he was an adult but later he's given the title of "boy" (which, honestly, makes me think of a ten-year-old) and at one point he's a teen. Is he a man or a teenager? Same with Jay.
Finally, in a situation like this, I find it a bit odd how quickly Jay and Andy latch on to each other. Especially Jay. After knowing each other for only a few hours she starts to wonder if she's in love with him (part 4), which seems strange. It seems like they would both require more time to trust and grow attached...but maybe that's just me. :P
I love that you gave Andy a weakness (asthma). I have that same thorn in my side and the thought of having to survive in a world of zombies AND keep a working inhaler on-hand is scary, in and of itself! You've got me wondering what was in the church closet...and if the creepy church family is going to come back into the story and somehow wreak havoc.
So, love the story idea. You've got some interesting characters, too. It just needs some tweaking and probably some grammar help.
Looking forward to reading more about this plague!
I love the idea, but it needs a lot of work with grammar.
Also, when sword/nightingale and Jake are communicating telepathically, it got a bit confusing as to who's "thinking" what. Maybe you could put Jake's thoughts in italics?
The prologue, in my opinion, doesn't add anything. I'd take it out. You can bring in the backstory as the adventure goes along...it'll create some mystery for the readers to anticipate and discover.
And it might just be me, but parenthesis in the middle of a story throw me off. It jolts me out of the adventure. I would suggest sharing everything in ( ) in another way or taking them out. For example, the reader doesn't need an explanation about how to use the Nad-e...you show how it works well enough. Which is what readers want: to be shown, not told.
And instead of writing *sigh* at the end it would be better if it read something like: I sighed.
Again, I like the idea and I'm left wondering if Nightingale will pair up with Jake...and what kind of relationship they might have.
Hope my comments are helpful.
I love the twist...wasn't expecting Chris to be dreaming of running from his crime.
Might I suggest taking out the last paragraph? I think the story would end well with the father's comment. I think it's more fitting that Chris be the "bad guy" and not shift blame to his love.
Also, it would be easier to read if you inserted indents for new paragraphs...or double spacing.
Good luck with today's Writer's Cramp!
And, as always, keep in mind that my suggestions are just that...suggestions.
I love the kind of story where I can learn what's going on, as I read. You did a great job of "showing" in this short story.
I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors...but that could be because I was into the story and not nit-picking as I went along.
This was an interesting idea. A little creepy, but it kept me reading! Good job!
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When I have the time, I go back and fix my mistakes. I'm still learning (commas are my kryptonite!). That said, I'm only reviewing your prologue for now for easy "digestibility". I'll send a separate review for Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 later.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I think you hit the nail on the head with the three common reasons that a person ends up on the street.
In your second sentence your "the" needs a "t". As it stands, it's "he".
I loved how Bob fixed the so-called stars by using duct tape. And that paper clip was a great touch. Now if he used WD40, that would have totally completed Bob's "tool bag".
Whenever you write numbers in stories, they should be written in word form. So, "fourteen" rather than 14.
I don't think Natalie was "stupid". She was raped. It wasn't her fault. Now if she'd been sleeping around with multiple partners and not using protection that could, arguably, be considered "stupid". 
Be more specific with the hospital tests. Did Natalie bump her head and need a CAT scan? Did she have broken bones that needed x-rayed? HIV tests? Also, as a mother of 7 I know it's not common to discover pregnancy before 7 days. I checked online to be sure and found that a urine test will show pregnancy from 7-14 days after sexual intercourse. A blood test might show a pregnancy more quickly, but it depends on when implantation occurs (sperm can live up to 7 days) and it can take awhile for the hCG levels to build up enough in the body for the tests to "read".
out! 