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251
251
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, BBlackburnjr:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

It's month of May SuperPower Reviewers Raid as you can see. It means we visit your port and pick your work for review and input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. Snippets I cut and pasted are in italics.

*Content
This is a good start in your writing endeavor. Nice journal of your long awaited vacation. Keep writing and keep close watch of your punctuation marks. These squiggly things are a nuisance but they are necessary for clear writing.

*Mechanics
I encountered misspelled words that caused me to pause. To make sure that they are unintentional, take a closer look at your work before submitting them. Although spellcheck is unreliable because it picks its own spelling for you (auto-spellcheck, that is) it helps to do a spellcheck, nonetheless.

*Punctuation
Watch out for your punctuation marks, like the following:
The next day we drove to Minnesota[, It] was a long ride, but once we got to the mall of America it was worth it. [Replace comma with period.]

Walling into the mall, [You mean walking, right?]

I think my favorite part[,] was getting to ride the train around the entire zoo. [Remove comma]

*Spelling
Watch out for unintentional typos and misspellings. Auto-spellcheck is notorious for replacing our spelling, which ends up embarrassing and upsetting.
exited [excited]

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

I was sitting on the front porch talking to [me][my] cousin Audrey. [Replace pronoun "me" with "my"]

"Yeah, the only bad thing is going to be the car ride there[."][,] I said as I looked out over the yard.

[Attribution/Tag lines are part of the sentence. Use comma instead of a period You have a couple more with the same violation.]

I was a little [ terrifies ][ terrified ]looking up at the seventeen story beast. [Replace]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Just watch out for the correct use of tag lines in dialogues as I mentioned above.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Now that you have made your feet wet, you might as well soak them, right? Keep writing. And read voraciously. You will see a pattern and style from your readings that you will soon adopt.


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252
252
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Carly:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

It's month of May Superpower Reviewers Raid! So here I am, visiting ports, looking for stories and what have you to read and offer my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Excitement and disappointment is blending for this rural gal in her move to the big city for the first time. That is understandable and poignant. As a rural gal myself, I was in awe, as well as, in distress when I first arrived in the city to attend college. It was exciting, yet, intimidating. But I adjusted and soon got used to it.

*Mechanics
Just watch out for unintentional misspellings that can take your context on a tangent. Auto-Spellcheck is notorious for this violation. There's an example I cut and pasted below.

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

She felt her world tip as the swell of bodies around her bumped and jostled herr. [Typo]

Smells rose up. Rotting trash, body odor, bus exhaust, fear and uncertainty.
[Do not lump "fear and uncertainty" into the mix. Make it separate because it throws off the context of "Smells rose up."]

Consider fixing this sentence with something like this:

["Smells rose up from rotting trash, body odor, and bus exhaust. Her fear and anxiety did not help matters either."]

All she could do was try to find her barings and go from there. [Fix the spelling. In this context, the correct spelling is bearings.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue giving life to your story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good exercise, Carly. Keep writing. You have what it takes to be a wordsmith.

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253
253
Review of Growing Up Pains  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
H, drifter:

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Such a tender and loving father you demonstrated in this account of your relationship with your daughter. It's totally gripping and touching. I feel your pang of nostalgia. I can totally identify with your sadness yet acceptance of the inevitable.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

Teary eyed and bleary eyed
[Teary-eyed and bleary-eyed]

twenty years ago I was divorced when my daughter was only fourteen.
[Twenty][Don't forget to use upper case for beginning of the sentence.]

tug of war [tug-of-war]

tmobile phone [ T-mobile phone]

The other phone was put in a safe place until my wife, Sharon, decided she wanted it back,
[Separate the name with commas when a sentence is complete without the name.]

On Father's day[,] I asked her to take a trip with me to Massachusetts. [Insert comma]

She had not gone to Massachusetts in at least eight years[,] which was when I took her with her older brother. [Insert comma]

I finally got reconnected [to][with] her and got the semblance of an answer.[Replace]

*Dialogue
You might consider employing dialogue to show your interaction with each other. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make your account pop and sparkle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away What a poignant account of a turning point. Your feelings are shared by parents all over the world, no matter what color or creed. There comes a fork in the road when we have to let go. It isn't easy but we have to accept our seeming loss! I say "seeming" because this is just a break in the cycle. One day, our adult children will come to grips with that separation and will come around in full circle.

Write away, drifter. Drift away in your memories and pen them for footprints sake.

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254
254
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Maryann: Happy 16th Anniversary.

To celebrate this landmark, I read and reviewed your story of the Lemonade Stand Detective Gang or to be precise, "Lemonade Girls Detective Agency."

It's an entertaining and moving story. The employment of dialogue is really what made this story pop and sparkle.

Great mechanics especially in the application of tag lines and punctuation marks. There is only one skirmish I caught that seems to be insignificant; albeit, it caused me to pause. It's when a proper noun was not put in the upper case in this dialogue I'm partially quoting: "Where is buster?" [Buster]

So, I took half a point off the perfect rating. I hope you don't mind.*Smile*

I thoroughly enjoyed this children's detective game they played in the neighborhood.

Someday, they'll be doing real detective work and be good at it!These kids might become some of our FBI and CIA agents!

Fun and delightful story.

QueenOwl Is Back
*Owl3*

255
255
Review of King Of Beasts  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, W.D. Wilcox:

         Just passing through, looking for some interesting stories to read and review on a quiet Saturday morning.

         I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         Wow! Imagine if this was for real? How horrifying! There is one curiosity that got the best of me from this story. How did you pick Asians as the passengers in the tour bus in New York City? Any particular reason?

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Each of us is the sum of his experiences,
Each of us is the sum of our experiences,
[POV reconciliation to agree with the context of your first sentence.]

At 12:10, a big white tour bus pulled into the park area and unloaded a large number of Asian tourists. [It might help to clarify your time by inserting noontime for specificity in your timeline.]

*Dialogue
          Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the reader a part of the action-thriller.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You have fertile imagination to create such a horrific event in New York City. Wild animals roam around big cities in our vast country everyday. Like people say, "It's a jungle out there!"

Write away, W.D. Wilcox. You're good for it.


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256
256
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,BScholl:

Just passing through, looking for some interesting stories to read and review. I found the title of your piece intriguing. My curioisity got the best of me. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Your narration is so engaging, it has gripped my senses tremendously. I'm with you all the way - from beginning to end. I seldom experience this in my readings. Somehow, I get lost, confused or lose interest along the way, but not the way you presented your account in this visit to your hometown.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation marksgo, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need cleaning up for readability and clarity:

"OK. How you doing with your music?" She blurted.
["OK. How you doing with your music?" she blurted.]

Her last words: "Just go." rang in my ears.
[Her last words: "Just go," rang in my ears.]

[ I futility tried not to catch her eyes, but I couldn't help myself.]
[In futility I tried not to catch her eyes, but I couldn't help myself.]

["Are you leaving?" She asked.]
["Are you leaving?" she asked.]

[In the above snippets, your dialog tag is a part of the sentence. Use comma instead of a period inside the close quotation mark and use lower case for your tag.]

When you use time of day, the accepted standard for morning or afternoon should be this way: A.M. and P.M.

9:41 am blinked back at me.
[9:41 A.M. blinked back at me.]

I milled about the garage and [drive] looking at the basketball hoop that Tony and I used to play on, [driveway?]

[back yard] [ back-yard]

[ Fear maybe?] [Fear, maybe?]

["Gary!" She said.]
["Gary!" she said.]

"I ... I .... I didn't mean to. I mean. It's just." [ Delete the fourth dot in the second ellipsis -There are only three dots in ellipsis except when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence.]

So, much so I grabbed another.
[Transpose comma] So much so, I grabbed another.

“What are you doing here?” She asked.
[“What are you doing here?” she asked.]

“We invited him out,” Mae stated, “He just got into town.”
“We invited him out,” Mae stated, “he just got into town.”

“You’ve gained a little weight,” [She][she] stated and laughed at the sudden change in mood.[Use lower case for your tag.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and pust the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Your skill in your craft makes this story engaging and riveting. Keep writing, BScholl. You have what it takes to be a published writer soon, I hope.


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257
257
Review of Making a Move  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Scarlett:

         I found the title of your piece intriguing. My curiosity got the best of me. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         Your short story is engaging, funny and flippant. I wonder what happens when the real blind date shows up and Sophie is not there anymore? That would be a letdown, wouldn't it? Do a sequel to this story adding a third character as the disappointed blind date. Make it more hilarious...*Smile*

         Out of topic but related somehow: I see you have a British background with your use of the word "lift" for an elevator. Coincidentally, yesterday, I mentioned this nuance in terminology with the Grammar Girl discussion on FaceBook, "4 Little-Known Differences between US and UK English." 1) RV Park vs caravan; 2) pronouncing "Route": root vs. rowt; 3) detour vs. diversion; and, 4) alight vs get off. So, I added "lift" vs. elevator. There are more to it than just these. We can talk about spelling and punctuation marks, as well.

         At any rate, as far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

broad minded [broad-minded is a compound word]

well dressed[ well-dressed is a compound word]

*Dialogue
          Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
         Nicely done, Scarlett. Keep writing. You're good for it.


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258
258
Review of Winter - Part 1  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi

         Let me introduce myself to you so we can get acquainted and interact with each other here, as well as, help each other with our writing exercises.

         My handle is QueenOwl Is Back. I'm a member of Power Reviewers Group. Our group reads and reviews submissions regularly to provide positive critiquing on our work. It's a great way to learn from each other as we share each other's experiences in the writing world.

         I found the title of your piece intriguing. I decided to spend time to read and review your story. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Wow! What a story! Your fertile imagination enabled you to create this riveting and enchanting narrative.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need your second look for tweaking for clarity:

[getting ready to plant the years crops.][getting ready to plant the year's crops.]
"You know, I have an odd feeling that you understand me[,] dove. [Insert comma]

"You are absolutely right[,] dove," he bowed deeply, making the girl blush,[Insert comma]

I nodded my [good bye] at him, [goodbye is one word]

"Shifter. That is what we have been called since we came to [be.... Or] variations of it in other languages."[only three dots in ellipsis. The only time a fourth one is needed is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence.]

"Buddy[,] I am willing to bet that I am thousands of years older than your grandmother.[Insert comma]

Please[,]for heaven's sake, [Insert comma]

que [Did you mean "cue" or "queue?"]

[Never the less] [Nevertheless is one word]

[pent house][penthouse is one word]

Are your parents someone I should know?" She asked.[Are your parents someone I should know?" she asked.][Dialogue tag is part of the sentence. Change She to lower case to complete the sentence.]

"That is an interesting outfit to wear for the arrival of an ex-boyfriend, don't you think, [you][delete] little cougar?" [She][she] said as her gaze traveled up and down my body.

...he was even [phased][fazed] by it. [Replace]

...which was why I liked to[be][insert] constantly in motion.

[populous] [populace]

*Dialogue
          Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
         I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
         Great imagination, Dahlia. Keep writing. You have the talent to create something out of illusion.


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259
259
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, IImawritten:
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers
This is my last Power Reviewers Group March Raid tonight before the clock strikes midnight!

Chapter III Continued...

         Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         The story is moving along with no major skirmishes. In fact, it has turned easier to follow. I'm impressed at your creativity and fertile imagination.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

         Like I say, I see no major glitches in this narrative, except for a couple of
snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

["Your Highness," He intoned.] ["Your Highness," he intoned.]

Attribution is part of the sentence in dialogue. Use lower case for the tag.

Perhaps [We'll][we'll] pardon your brother, rather than executing him. [Typo fix]

*Dialogue
          This chapter can pass without much dialogue with flying colors for a change in pace.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great wordsmithing talent you possess, IImawritten. Keep writing. You're good for it. Hope to see a bestseller with your By-Line in the near future!


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260
260
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, IImawritten:
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

Here we go for Chapter II:

          Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         I like your portrayal of the hunting party, led by Laird of Roxbrough. He seemed to be a man of distinction and leadership. I would surmise he wanted to train his grandson, Tam Lin, in fox-hunting and be good at it. Unfortunately, Tam Lin did not have an inkling for this kind of activity. He'd rather be somewhere else rather than in the forest hunting.

         Now I see in this flashback how Tam Lin fell into the abyss and effectively became the hunted instead of the hunter with the fox seemingly taunting him. What a nightmare! His unfortunate fall into the hole could be the unlucky thing to happen to him because he didn't want to be there in the first place. Who knows. We shall see the following chapter to know what befalls Tam Lin, the actor.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

         You have a good command of the written word. My only difficulty is understanding the vernacular or local accent (from Scotland) Tam Lin rambles on with. I suppose, I'll get used to the spelling, if I have patience to stay with the dialogue in a foreign country.

*Dialogue
         Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Slowly, it's coming to me that Tam Lin is of Scottish descent and the setting of your story is somewhere in Scotland, right? My recommendation would be to set the venue of your fantasy story right from the start. Adopt the elements of a good story by answering the Who, What, Where, When, How, and Why in a way that is clear and concise to keep the interest of your reader. A reader will have no qualms putting your story aside to pick up a new one if your story is difficult to follow.

         At any rate, keep writing. There is an audience for it.

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261
261
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,IImawritten:
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers
         On behalf of Power Reviewers Group March Raid, I took the liberty to visit your port and the title of your piece piqued my interest. I couldn't resist reading it.

         Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         First off, I'm having difficulty figuring out what vernacular, dialect or accent you're adopting for your character, Tam Lin. Are you creating a unique dialect for your character? Has his speech patterns been affected by where he's at? My curiousity is at its peak on this issue as you can imagine.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here's a snippet I cut and pasted that caught my attention:

I am everything you are, and everything you will be, DARLING."

         When you are writing for publication, editors/agents/proofreaders, etc. frown on bolding and capitalization of words or phrases for emphasis. I just thought I'll point that out to you in the event you are considering to publish any of your stories. Avoid specialized punctuation, typestyles, font sizes, ALL CAPS, italics, bold facing, etc. like a plague! This is especially for fiction.

*Dialogue
         Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take awayGood beginning, although, your use of a difficult lingo for your main actor may discourage readers from turning the page. I'll give it a pass and flip the page over to your next chapters.

Keep moving those fingers on the keyboard, llmawritten. Find your way into the world of words on the page! You have the knack. Use it to your advantage.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Maria:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers
         On behalf of Power Reviewers Group March Raid, I took the liberty to visit Read and Review and decided this piece might be interesting to tackle.

         Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great narration. You might want to change the title to something more apropos to the general tone of your account of childhood memories living in Middletown, Ohio in the mid-sixties. I say this because your week-end trip to Lake Erie was but a small sliver of the entire story.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

There was a big old fish pond made of stones in the backyard from years gone by. Now it was dry, a pit we used to climb in and out of, hide in, climb on.

The above sentence sounds awkward and ambiguous. Consider revising it for clarity. Here's my suggestion:

There was a big old fish pond made of stones in the backyard. As years went by, it dried up and became a mere a pit. I remember climbing in and out of it, as well as, playing hide and seek there.

It was a grand cathedral --- a stone building with [castle like][castle-like] steeples, high ceilings and ancient furnishings.

I remember one time when we’d just arrived home from the grocery [store]. [Complete the sentence.]

After all, we had no idea what it meant to be really starving… like the children in Africa.[No space needed after the ellipsis.]

*Dialogue
         Try to employ more dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
         I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
         I like your account of your childhood memories. It's a great way to leave footprints of your life's journey for the next generation to read and learn from.

Write away, Maria. You're good for it.


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263
263
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Micky:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

         On behalf of Power Reviewers Group March Raid, this is QueenOwl Is Back, visiting Read and Review port, looking for work to do. Fortunately for you, I decided to stop in and give this piece a read.

         Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         I'm intrigued by the title of this piece but I cannot finish reading it because it's cluttered and difficult to follow. I did get through the first two paragraphs.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

         Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

...when a women [woman]named Ida Jones was walking home from work.[Replace with singular subject.]

She was carring [carrying]a bright orange umbrella, [Spelling]

She was carring a bright orange umbrella, and wearing a bright yellow rain suit, she was an averaged height women of 5'7", she was a little on the heavy side, she was in her late twenties, she was living in a apartment in downtown, and she was waitressing in a nice little cafe. [This sentence is too long. Break them down to two or three sentences for readability and clarity.]

         Start a new paragraph with the third sentence.[This day started...]

         Break your first paragraph into two and your fourth sentence into two or three for readability and clarity.

Formatting
         Indent beginning of a new paragraph and separate each paragraph with single space. If there's a lapse of time or transition between paragraphs, double-space it.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues breaks the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
         My strong suggestion for you is to observe standard formatting. It enhances readability and clarity for your audience. This gives your readers the encouragement to read your work.

Now that you have launched your writing endeavor, stay with it. Keep writing and reading. Watch how other writers present their manuscripts. It's hard work but it will pay off in the end.

Write away, micky. Say you will because you can!


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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Dorianne:


Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers
         On behalf of Power Reviewers Group March Raid, I took the liberty in visiting your port searching for manuscripts to read and offer a feedback.

         I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
         Good opening scene with two adult daughters visiting their mother in her deathbed. Anybody reading can feel the melancholy and sad atmosphere as the room is saturated with medicine smell and air of impending death. Such a somber image to behold.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

         Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

[her pale blue dress like pajamas][her pale blue dress-like pajamas][dress-like is a compound word]

[half opened] [half-opened]

[My, my,…..,my ba-by.” whispered Ruth. ]
[My... my...my ba-by,” whispered Ruth. ]

[Use of ellipsis: Ellipses points are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. Two important functions of ellipsis: 1) they're used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance; and, 2) to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. The only time ellipsis has an extra dot is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence.]

[Also: In dialogue, the attribution is part of the sentence. This means, comma is used instead of a period inside the closing quotation mark.]

“Yes, mama. It’s me. I’m here to.” Edith turned to Irene, “She’s trying to hold it tighter. I, I think she knows I’m here.” cried Edith.

         Notice the corrections I made with punctuation marks here:

“Yes, Mama. It’s me. I’m here too.” Edith turned to Irene, “She’s trying to hold it tighter. I, I think she knows I’m here,” cried Edith.

“That’s good. Oh mama, don’t try to talk right now. Just rest squeeze Edith’s hand if you need something.”

“That’s good. Oh Mama, don’t try to talk right now. Just rest. Squeeze Edith’s hand if you need something.”

“I think she knows you are here. But the medicine is now helping to relieve the pain and she will sleep for a couple of hours[.][,]“ said Irene softly. [Notice the punctuation mark replacing period with comma.]

Double check the whole narrative for punctuation marks that needs replacing as demonstrated above. I have seen more than a couple more all the way to the end. I just didn't include them here. A couple of samples should suffice.

*Dialogue
          Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues break the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
          I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
         Not knowing the background of this story, I cannot give an educated assessment of this chapter or section. For example, the question that remains unanswered for me is whether this is Edith and Irene's first time to see their mother in their mother's deathbed. If they have neglected to visit their mother until she's dying, are they remorseful and couldn't forgive themselves for neglecting their mother?

         Also, when this chapter moved to its end, the scene suddenly changed with an unexpected switch to an expectant young wife; thus, minimizing the impact of a dying mother's effect on her family's grave concern as they await her last and final breath. As a reader, this left me disappointed and let down.

That being said, keep writing, Dorianne. Hone your writing skills. You have talent. The more you write, the better writer you become.


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Review of The edge  
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, lori:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

On behalf of Power Reviewers Group monthly raid, I took the liberty in visiting your port to look for a manuscript to review.

*Content
This is a good exercise in free writing. I do have difficulty following your line of thought, Lori. This essay is rambling and missing punctuation marks.It's over my head. Consider revising this work using simple, everyday language, cutting out the unnecessary verbosity. Simply cut out the fat and make it lean.

As as far *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:
At the edge of rock above the water beneath, the moment lingers. Looking up at clouds gathering, moving purposefully above.

If this was my sentence, I would revise it with something like this:
At the edge of [a] rock above the water beneath, the moment lingers. I look up at [the] gathering clouds, moving purposefully above.

My fears and tears mere [dibble] & drip.
[Did you mean dribble?]

Flash in my mind. Touch...smell...physical sensations validate my existence and confirm the experience of I. [Sounds awkward how the sentence ends....]

[Got this! is bliss daily forward. ][Now, I'm lost.]

[ There must be a better than this. ]
How does this sound instead?
[There must be something better than this. ]

Rain so hard I [can't] see my car. [Use contraction mark with contracted words.]

[Which way should I move, knowing that standing still gets me got.] [What do you mean?]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I need to be honest with you, Lori. I cannot picture where heads and tails are in this exercise. Sounds like the author was in a trance and this is a compilation of rambling and random subconscious thoughts here and there with no focus or central theme.

That being said, write away. You can do it as this submission shows.

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Review of Outsider  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Prosperous Snow:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

On behalf of Power Reviewers Group monthly raid, I took the liberty in visiting your port to look for a manuscript to review.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
There seem to be some essential element missing to make the story zing. For example, there is no clarity on who the actors are. Is the stepfather and Jake the same person? Is Mr. Forester the lawyer? Why would Clay's mother's opinion not matter? Whose house is Granny paying the mortgage on? You might consider revisiting these issues for tightening and clarity.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity as I initially pointed out:

[silver haired] [silver-haired] [Compound word]

"I had my lawyer talk to your stepfather and Jake is agreeable. In fact, he thinks it's an excellent idea."
[Referring to the stepfather and Jake in this sentence gave me a pause. Are they the same person? It's ambiguous. The way it's worded, it sounds to me to be two different individuals. And, who is Mr. Forester? Is he the lawyer? These two areas need clarity.]

["There's still school"] [Add missing terminating period.]
["There's still school."]

grandson's wolf-like features. [What's the significance in describing Clay's "wolf-like" features in the story? Either show why it's important to include his features or leave it out. ]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue breaks the monotony of narration. It engages the reader as a participant as it puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good exercise for a one-scene act. Minor glitches can be easily remedied.
I like the idea that Grandma cares about his grandson and is using her purse to effect a change in Clay's living arrangements. On the other hand, this change could push Kyle's bullying fiercer than before? Just food for thought.

Write away, Prosperous Snow.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Alexis:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

On behalf of Power Reviewers Group monthly raid, I took the liberty in visiting your port to look for a manuscript to review.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Good presentation of a horrific scene. Some areas need to reconcile for consistency.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

“Good, you’re awake[.]” he said[.] “I am Dr. Stevens, but you can call me Tom. I am here to figure a few things out about you. It should only take a minute.” [Replace period with comma. Attribution is part of the sentence.]

“We just need to run a few tests. It’ll only take a moment[.][,]” [He][he] said, like he knew exactly what she was thinking.[Replace period with comma and use lower case for attribution.]

She cried out and fell to the floor. [How did she fell to the floor if in the beginning of the scene, "she was trapped under a bed," and in another sentence, "she tried to stand up but found out she was chained to the floor?]

“No this next part is going to hurt[.][,]” [The][the] doctor said as he grabbed Hattie’s hand.[Replace period with comma and use lower case for attribution.

“Just a little blood sample[][,].” [He][he] said, turning to the other man motioning for him to follow, before walking back to the door.[Replace period with comma and use lower case for attribution.]

“Do you know!?” he screamed.[Not necessary to use both exclamation point and question mark together. Use one of the other.]

“Pathetic[.][,]” he muttered as he walked away. [Replace period with comma.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and gives a break from monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a good starting point in your writing endeavor. Keep writing. The secret is in revision. Need to keep on going back to check for minor details that escape our eye.

Write away, Alexis. You're good for it.


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Review of Like Clockwork  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Mastiff:

A group name sig for WDC Power to use in their reviews

In light of Power Reviewers Group's 12-hour Raid marathon, I ventured out visiting ports. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You hooked me and took me for a ride with this story. I like your conversational, lighthearted style with a touch of humor.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation Marks and Spelling go, I see you have an excellent handle in these areas as well.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that gave me a pause, which might need tweaking for clarity:

JUCO [Educate me, your reader. What does JUCO mean?]

It was like my Dad, who when I really needed to know something, would only speak French... or Russian. [Use lower case for D in Dad when it follows a pronoun.] Take a look at these two sentences:

I was surprised when Dad came.
When my dad came, I was surprised.

[By some machination [, ] my athletic scholarship was now academic, and instead of baseball, teaching would be my new sport.]/c} [Insert comma for clarity.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It's what kept me glued till the end of the story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away If this is one of your initial submissions as a writer, I'm impressed. Your English class did you good despite your disinterest in academics. Landing a TA job is a good start.

Write away, Mastiff. You have a flair for writing. Use it to your advantage.

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Review of Mysteries of Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi, Noahnater51:

I found this piece you wrote by way of Read and Review. I cannot tell whether this is your first entry here or you have written other pieces.

Here are some general comments and helpful hints you might observe if you want your manuscripts to be seriously considered.

Formatting
First off, your piece would be easier to read if you observe the standard format in building your manuscript. By that I mean, you need to use paragraphing. When you upload your work in one blurb, nobody wants to stop and give you the time of day to read it. It will be skipped because it's taxing on the reader. Here are some pointers:

1) Put one idea per paragraph
2) Indent the first word in your paragraphs
3) Separate paragraph with a space
4) Use two spaces if there is a long gap in time between paragraphs

My Recommendation
Please revise this manuscript observing standard paragraphing. Then, tag me so I can read the contents and give you a review.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you launch your writing endeavor with a positive outlook. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Observe standard formatting. Then write to your heart's content.

Now that you have put your feet in the water, you might as well get down, get wet and swim, right?

Write away! You can do it.

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Review of Medic  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi, JJDel:

Here I am doing a review for you as I promised. I really started doing this for the February Raid but I couldn't finish it because I had unannounced company that afternoon.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I commend you for your dedication in helping the helpless who need urgent or emergency medical attention. The world needs more of you and your compassionate spirit.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

My father is a [hard working][hardworking] man.

I am his daughter and I am equally as [hard working.][hardworking]

[Hardworking is one word.]

"Of course I can." ["Of course, I can."][Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your interaction with your dad. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author, which makes the story come alive.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Write away, JJDel.


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Review of "HE IS"  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Netty:

I'm QueenOwl who is just hopping around, peeking in at ports, looking for something to munch and crunch at daybreak.


*Content
Your poem piqued my hunger for spiritual food. And my soul is nourished and satisfied.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

There is only one comment I want to point out to you in the event you might consider revisiting it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.


It's found in this snippet I cut and pasted:

He's in the plains of the mountains, valleys and hills
that dwells with his presence.


My thought would be to tweak this line this way:

[He's in the plains of the mountains, valleys and hills
where his presence dwells.
]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observation and suggestion can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that this is from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Because of your poem I just read, right now my head is singing that hymn, "He owns the cattles on a thousand hills, the wealth in every mine; He owns the rivers and the lakes and rills,the sun and stars that shine; Wonderful riches more than tongue can tell; He is my father so they're mine as well; He owns the cattles on a thousand hills, I know that he will care for me...."

Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem, Netty.
Keep writing, hear?


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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi, kiya:

First of all, let me express my sympathy for you and the plight you were put into recently that changed the direction of your life's journey. I'm sad to know that this interruption has changed the course of your destiny. My heart goes out to you and to those who are going through the same or similar ordeal.

Now that you're back in your homeland, perhaps you can look forward to coming back with proper documents that will enable you to be here permanently and resume where you have left off...

Don't drop the ball. Hold it and carry it to the basket. You can do it. I'm sure your wdc friends would love to see you back!

Now, for the reviewing part. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. I say this in anticipation of your intention to publish a memoir. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

I came to the States in 1996 on a visitor’s visa; to help my older sister who had just been involved in a car accident that almost left her paralyzed. With three young children, there was no way she could take care of them, and I was yanked straight out of high-school to come to the ‘land-of-the-free’ to make something of myself…and of course help with the raising of the kids.
Looking back now, there were so many things we could have done differently in the process of getting my status changed. Either way, I was able to get a social security card, have a Georgia ID, driver’s license, and everything else; all legally, which also included the process of becoming a citizen.


So, after over thousands…thousands of dollars spent in my quest to become a citizen, it all came down to that day: 10th January 2018.

According to your own admission, it sounds to me that although you came in legally (with a visitor's visa), you, your sister and whoever helped you had the intention of keeping your stay in Georgia permanent. Were you aware at that time that visitors visas are usually for three months only? Did you ask for an extension after your three-month stay was up?

The documents submitted on your behalf to help you obtain a social security card, a Georgia ID, driver's license and whatever else must have been questionable when being looked at with a magnifying glass. So that's how INS (now ICE) authorities singled you out for deportation. Once you're within their radar, they are brutal.

After you've been arrested and jailed for the first time, your chance on becoming a citizen became null and void. Your only way to get there would have been to find a gentleman who would marry you and petition for you.

Your plight is unfortunate. I feel bad for you because you have already acclimated to the western way of life. It has become your life. Then to be yanked out and sent back with no hope of coming back is beyond frightening.

Please take heart. With your connection to the outside world, you might befriend some kindred soul who will be your "Knight with a shining armor" to rescue you. Think positive. Be proactive. I can see you are with your postings here. Then, pray. God hears the prayer of the afflicted and downtrodden. God, in his mysterious ways, will find a way of escape and healing for you.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need fixing:

This is the American conventional way of writing numerals for times of day

3:30 am 3:30 A.M. (or PM)
4:00am; 4:00 A.M. (or AM)
5:00am, 5:00 A.M. (or AM)
6:30am. 6:30 A.M. (or AM)

Understandably you're upset. But, if you want to submit this for publication, I suggests you clean it up and make it calm and rational. Discard gutter and obscene language. Show the world you got class.

two in the goddamn morning
I guess being ravaged with the flu the week before shit hit the fan, should have been an ominous sign.

Use of Ellipsis
Consider minimizing the use of ellipsis. Agents, editors, and proofreaders frown on the overuse of the dot dot dot when it's unnecessary.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I fervently hope and pray that you will find a way back in the USA with proper documentation in the not too distant future. Couldn't wait to wave a Welcome Back banner here at WDC.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

Hi, PrincessDiana:

On behalf of our Newbies' Power Reviewers Group Raid, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked this piece to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great opinion piece.

*Mechanics
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need fixing for readability and clarity:

These communities can cause segregation between races, make exclusive cliques, and hinder students ability to see [others][other's] perspective. [Replace]

When students like myself are given the opportunity to make a group[,] we reach for our friends, not strangers.[Insert comma]

Students like me make groups out of friends because [their][our] beliefs and ethics are the same.[Replace]

Now, apart from beliefs and ethics[,] take into consideration students race and ethnicities.[Insert comma]

For living and learning communities to be effective[,] changes need to be made to the idea.[Insert comma]

From a learning perspective[,] schools should create communities based on classes students are taking.[Insert comma]

Until these changes are made[,]learning and living communities are a potential threat to society[;] after all[,] the Nazi's started off as a political group.[Insert comma, semi-colon, and another comma.]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Keep writing, Princess Diana. The more you write, the better your writing will be.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Princess Diana:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

On behalf of our Newbies' Power Reviewers Group Raid, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked your piece to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Truly, this is what we are apt to deal with in this day and age. We cannot be left behind in the dust. We need to jump in and go for the ride, right?

This piece would be a good op-ed submission.

*Mechanics

"...and blogging have changed [people][people's] forms of interaction. [Replace]

[Specifically, the community environment that towns and cities create.][This is a fragment. Fragments are not always wrong when used carefully.]

With all [this][these] new technology and social media outlets, there are endless possibilities for everyone to communicate.

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

"...and sending them to their not “boyfriends and girlfriends.” {{c:green}Something is skewed in this sentence. Needs fixing.)

Their parents [to][too] consumed in work and social media to notice the lack of communication.[Replace]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good starting point, Princess Diana. Keep writing.


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Rated: E | (3.0)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers
Hi, Kate:

On behalf of our Newbies' Power Reviewers Group Raid for this month, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked this piece to read and offer you my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

*Content
If this story is for children, make it engaging by using dialogue. Let Oreo and Romeo talk. Show what the unfriendly eagle, Fred, did to Oreo and Romeo, by way of back and forth comment, that disturbed Champ. Then, attribute a line in Champ's perspective showing how he saved the day for the two friends.

Especially with children, showing keeps their interest compared to telling.

*Dialogue
Like I already pointed out, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. This is especially important when writing for children.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
If you're writing short stories for a children's book, go for it. You have the ability to gather your thoughts and create situations that children will have fun reading.

Write away, Kate.


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