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301
301
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Espero:

** Image ID #2030640 Unavailable ** *Shamrock*

Because it's Power Reviewers March Raid, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.


I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Let me tell you. I'm not a poet. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But I love reading poems. I love the way words are expressed in measures and cadence and presented in a unique style. Your poem is skillfully organized and put together. There is only one area that jumped at me and gave me a pause. It's this line:

"There's no where else we'd rather be."

"nowhere" is a compound word. I could be wrong but as far as I can remember, it is written as one word.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observation and suggestion can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that this is from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard a suggestion is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away You have talent. Keep writing. I'm impressed at how well you organized each paragraph from beginning to end. By the way, I love the twist in the end. Where I live, I couldn't imagine seeing a squirrel fall from the chimney. That's what I miss living in the city.


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302
302
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Lesley:

** Image ID #2111173 Unavailable **

Because it's Power Reviewers Raid Week, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.


I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

What a title! It reminded me of a title of a movie with Jane Fonda, "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" I'm sure your story and that movie have nothing to do with each other. It just strikes me as amusing to see the similarity in the art of titling a story or a movie.

This is an interesting story. I am impressed at how the author took painstaking time and attention to save a neglected horse. What's more amazing to me is the fact that the author has been doing this continuously.

The question that cannot escape me is whether the owner ever tried to find his pony. If he hadn't, and the story does not indicate that he did, means to me, that he let the pony go on purpose to get rid of him.

Fortunately for Blackie, someone cared enough to nurse him and find a wonderful place for him.

Whether it was a crime to intentionally take the pony without the owner's permission or not, that issue is debatable. The truth is he defaulted on his rights to ownership; therefore, he has no leg to stand on in the court of law.

Well, I cannot ascertain that because I'm not a lawyer. Lawyers have always that creative area in their human brain to create something out of nothing.

Out of curiousity, I googled "Horse thieves" and related subjects. What I discovered was that despite the legendary myth about horse theft being a hanging offense in the West, there was not an instance were a horse thief was hanged by a legal court. Hanging a horse thief was a common law ranchers upheld and practiced. It was never outlawed because it did not exist in the court of law.

Bottom line for you, Lesley. You're safe. Don't sweat it out. *Smile*

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuationare concerned, this work is almost flawless. I say almost because I caught a typo in Spelling, with the following word being misspelled:

[apparence ] [appearance]

*Dialogue
Employing dialogue could have added a sparkle to this story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great story. Well-written. Good development and organization.

Keep writing. You're doing better and better as you plunge yourself into the world of writing.


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303
303
Review of The Spider Boy  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, chandram:

** Image ID #2111173 Unavailable **

Because it's Power Reviewers Raid Week, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

The story is sort of outlandish even for children who are prone to believe anything and everything they read. You might make it more realistic and down to earth with a twist.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuationare concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tightening for clarity and readability:

He woke up with a start and was trying his best to get rid of this horrific involuntary vision that was haunting him.

[Educate me: What does it mean to "woke up with a start?" Is it like a startle or a scare? It's the first time I bump into this cliche. Is it a cliche from your part of the country? I'm in southern California. Lived in Connecticut before migrating here 38 years ago.]

["What happened to you? You look nervous...Is everything alright?",]

[ "I am fine, it's just that this dream I had yesterday isn't going away from my mind". ]

"David don't play near the windows... Shaun come back here", called his Father Bernard.

[Aside from the placement of comma in this sentence, the other issue is using upper case with the word father. Unless Father Bernard is a priest, put f in the lower case with a comma. In effect, your sentence would read this way:
["David don't play near the windows... Shaun come back here," called his father, Bernard.]

[ "Oh my God!", he said. "Is this happening for real?". ]
[ "Oh my God!" he said. "Is this happening for real?"

David with a mixed feeling said, "thank you... my friend...you have saved my life!". [The first word within quote must be in upper case (Thank you)although it's in the middle of the sentence.]

"You are most welcome, David", came the reply.
"You are most welcome, David," came the reply.

[ Everyone knew him and called him "the spider boy". ]
[ Everyone knew him and called him "the spider boy." ]

I want to share with you two standard rules in writing according to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference because I notice this flagrant misuse or overuse of these tools in your writing.

1) Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. This convention, however, is widely violated.]

2) Use of Ellipsis: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single life of text.) Ellipses have two important functions. First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. The second use of the ellipsis is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

*Dialogue
Your dialogues need to stand out by following the rules in paragraphing. Start a new paragraph for each speaker. Don't jumble them all together.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Your story for children has a great potential. Read children's stories and learn from them. Keep writing as well. No sooner would you hone your writing skills and be able to submit for publication.

Great job, chandram. Stay with it.


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304
304
Review of Mystery Mouse  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, freakywriter92:

** Image ID #2111173 Unavailable **

Because it's Power Reviewers Pet Awareness Raid Week, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. While I'm highlighting the point of correction with red, my observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Right of the bat, your subtitle: A mouse is left behind with some friends and [try's][tries]to find his way back home, needs fixing as indicated.

*Content
I don't know what your goal in writing is. Is it only as an exercise, for fun, or do you have serious goals in honing your writing skills for ultimate publication? It will make a big difference if you know where you're going with this. I see you can write. You have the drive, talent, and know-how. I also notice you're organized. Something you need to work on, as well, is knowing the basics in mechanics, spelling and punctuation. I may sound brutal in pointing this out to you, but, it's the nature of the beast.

Let me tell you, I have my Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference beside me at all times when I'm writing. Even then, I still fall short from being up with the nuances in good writing.

Having said all that, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need fixing for readability and clarity:

Chapter 1:
When the person opened the door they got mad because they thought someone was ding dong ditching at the front door.

Watch out for agreement of numbers (singular v plural)[Replace they with he.]

Chapter 2:
Both Beck and Shelby started cry because they didn't want to re-live that time of their life. [Insert to between started and cry] and replace life with lives.[Agreement in number]

Originally that what the owners had said and planned to do but then something else happened. [that's]

Chapter 3:
When Quilburt asked the 4 [four] where they had got the name and they said that they once had 2 [two] other friends which were a dog and a snake. [Standard rule in manuscript writing: Some experts say: Write out numbers in words from one to nine; others say, write out numbers in words from one to ninety-nine.]

[ The snakes names was Quillie and the dogs name was Burt.]
[ The snake's name }was Quillie and the dog's name was Burt.]

[ Then Quilburt asked why they all where in the park in the first place.] [were]

Chapter 4:
[ Beck said that after his and Shelby's owner dropped them of at the park [,] he flew back to the house.][off][Insert comma]

[ His owner was very abusive [,] so he just decided to fly out of the window in the middle of the night.][Insert comma]

Chapter 5:
[ "Aw, that's to bad kid. Do you know where they live?"][Replace with too.]

[ day care ][daycare]

[ "Um, one question. who are you and how long have you been listening to us," asked Shelby. ][Who] [us?]

["I heard the whole thing and now I know all you story's," said the cricket.][stories]

Chapter 6:
[At this point Quilburt had to lead the way because he was they only one who knew what his house looked like.][the]

Chapter 7:
As they approached the house[,]Quilburt was getting flashbacks of his time inside of it. [Insert comma]

"Why do you look like your about to cry Quilburt?," said Shelby. "It's just that the cheese snacks they gave me were so good!!!, " whined Quilburt.

["Why do you look like you're about to cry, Quilburt?" said Shelby. "It's just that the cheese snacks they gave me were so good!" whined Quilburt.]

Chapter 8:
" Why are there animals at our door dad?," said the boy.

" Why are there animals at our door, dad?" said the boy. [Insert comma after door and delete comma after ?] ]


*Dialogue
Punctuation marks in dialogues need cleaning up. Also, for clarity and readability, start a new paragraph for each speaker.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away.


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305
305
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Espero:

** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable **

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great anecdotal account from the perspective of a chimp, personified. Imagine if those chimps could actually communicate orally and in writing. They would have unbelievable and unimaginable stories to tell. They would reveal the deepest secrets humans have buried for ages. Perhaps, this lends itself to the creator's supernatural power to limit the capability and ability of the lower class of animals to put them in a lower category. What an overwhelming concept!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

[the savant (learned person),]

I find it curious that you provided a definition for the word savant. I can see your reasoning for giving an interpretation of foreign words but an English word that's in the dictionary? Don't underestimate your reader's vocabulary. They'll find it belittling and discourages them from flipping the pages of your material.

Funny, you did not provide a meaning to this foreign word, "bouillabaisse." It is an unfamiliar word to most English speaking people, unless, they're connoisseur of culinary recipes in French restaurants.

More foreign words without definition: fait accompli, baguettes

To be safe, I say, be consistent. Either you do it for all or don't do it at all.

Use of quotation marks, as shown in this example is something I have not fully grasp the handle on:

... who shouted, “bon appetit”.

This is what The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference says regarding Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation mark - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. This convention, however, is widely violated.

My interpretation of this rule would be that the period in "bon appetit" should be inside the closing quotation mark. But, because experts recognize that it's been widely violated, then, I'll give you a pass on this. *Smile*

Spelling
[well fed] [well-fed]
[slouch backed] [slouch-backed]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It gives an insight into their thinking and reason for behaving this way or that way.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
The story within the story embodied in the last four paragraphs of the manuscript is somewhat jarring. It can be tightened by clarifying the difference between the narrator and those the narrator referred to as troops. Also, from what I gather from this narrative, they were African chimps not French. Perhaps, they can be described as French-African chimps, more appropriately? In fact, seeing Africa again was supposedly the impossible dream they were dreaming of. France was a throw away in the context of this story.

At any rate, it's an anecdotal account from the perspective of a chimp, personified. Great creativity displayed by the author. I say, keep writing, Espero. You have talent. Hone your skills.

Write away.


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306
306
Review of Lucy  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. Espero:

On behalf of Power Reviewers Monthly Raid, I'm here visiting ports, searching for pet stories to review. As such, I found your piece qualified to pass through my eagle eyes.*Smile*
** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable **
So, here I am, reading your piece in order to offer you my take away and constructive critiquing.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

Cats and dogs. They all have unique characteristics. Our furry-haired friends are a case study in personality and behavior.

Interestingly, Lucy must have a way of sneaking out that leaves you dumbfounded. For how did she ever get pregnant without you noticing a tomcat around flirting with her? Amazing.

My oldest daughter loves cats. She obtained a Sphinx, she named Tofee, on a special order. She was very picky about the breed that she wanted. Sometime later, she wanted company for Tofee. My husband, who catered to all her wants and wishes, took her to the pet store because she said she found the right mate for Tofee.

"A thousand dollars for a cat?" my husband exclaimed but he could not disappoint his daughter. He dutifully paid for the full price of the cat.

"I would not take it if it was given to me for free!" he confided with me out of our daughter's hearing.

But such is our romance with our furry friends. We cannot do without them. Tofee and Emy were the apple of my daughter's eye. They were high maintenance, yes, but she adored those cats and nothing could separate them from her.

I just thought I'll throw that in as it relates to your dealings with Lucy, her attitude and her well-kept secret lover.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

[I can't say this is a bad trait, but it's obvious that Lucy has no patience at all, and a fearless disregard for anything else I may be in the middle of doing.]

This sentence has given me a pause. Sounds awkward. How about tweaking it this way?

[I can't say this is a bad trait, but it's obvious that Lucy has no patience at all. Moreover, she has a fearless disregard for anything else I may be in the middle of doing.]

The importance in using comma for readability and clarity can best be demonstrated in the following sentences:

1) [Every time I woke up during the night to check on her she was still sitting bolt upright staring at me.]
[Every time I woke up during the night to check on her, she was still sitting bolt upright staring at me.]

2) [If I picked her up and sat her on my lap she would quickly escape.]
[If I picked her up and sat her on my lap, she would quickly escape.]

3) [One day I thought it would be nice to get a leash and take Lucy for a walk so she could experience the outside.]

[One day I thought it would be nice to get a leash and take Lucy for a walk so she could experience the outside.]

4) *Spelling
[mewing] [meowing]

*Dialogue
I see you employed internal dialogue sparsely. Use it more often when you can to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It allows the reader to be in on the story. And that's how you want to show: the reader fully engaged that he is being carried away to a world not of his own.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Well-done, Espero. Keep writing. We hone our writing skills by writing. There's no other way.

Write away!


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307
307
Review of The Cheshire Cat  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Grayson Moon:

** Image ID #2111173 Unavailable **

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
A great portrayal of human behavior and curiosity personified in the life of a Cheshire cat.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Narrative is almost flawless. I did not come across any awkward sentence construction that would give me a pause. Well-written. The author has a good command of the written word.

*Spelling
This is the only word that caught my keen sight of misspellings or words that are out of place:
[extra ordinary][extraordinary]

*Dialogue
To give life and sparkle to this well-developed narrative, my only recommendation would be, perhaps, to employ dialogue to show instead of tell how characters interact with each other. Dialogues also put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author to make the reader participate in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Well-written and well-organized. Although, like I pointed out already, employing dialogue could make this story pop, sparkle, and make it more interactive. Gosh, if only our furry friends could talk and write, they would have interesting anecdotes to tell of their masters and mistresses and even strangers they meet in their amazing journey.

At any rate, write away, Grayson Moon. You sure have a talent in crafting the written word.


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308
308
Review of Dog Gone  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Lesley:
** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable **
Because it's Power Reviewers Raid Week, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.

*Content
I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
Go over your punctuation marks. There are quite a few here and there that need fixing. This is one example:

I promised the terrified kittens we would all be alright, Someone had made a mistake, they would take care of us and soon we would be warm, fed, and someone will find our owners.

[I promised the terrified kittens we would all be alright. Someone had made a mistake. They would take care of us and soon we would be warm, fed, and someone will find our owners.]

*Spelling
[mew] [meow]
particuar [particular]
[wavier] [waver]
[tinker bel][tinker bell]

Paragraphing The approach to paragraphing is: One idea - one paragraph. Do not jumble different ideas in one paragraph. Here's an example:

I can sit. I can fetch a ball. I can wag my tail and lick your face. I will do anything you want me to do if you come back. After days, as I know them, passed and the nights were colder, I wondered if I was going to die here, all alone. I am only six months old and alone. I feel much older! The abandoned little brown dog with a collar with a little tinkle bell said to no one in particuar, "I'm so frightened." His owners and their kids hardly played with him except sometimes fetch. "Oh look! There’s a man with a truck! Maybe he knows where I belong. Hey!" the pup called out with his tiny voice, "I'm over here, please take me home!

Here's my suggestion on revising the first paragraph:

I can sit. I can fetch a ball. I can wag my tail and lick your face. I will do anything you want me to do if you come back.

[Start a new paragraph] After days passed, as I know them, and the nights were colder, I wondered if I was going to die here, all alone. I am only six months old and alone. I feel much older!

(Switch of POV) The abandoned little brown dog with a collar, with a little tinkle bel,l said to no one in particular, "I'm so frightened." His owners and their kids hardly played with him, except, sometimes, fetch.

Oh look! There’s a man with a truck! Maybe he knows where I belong.
"Hey!" the pup called out with his tiny voice, "I'm over here, please take me home!

When a dog or cat is pulled out of the truck, I heard the dogs in here whisper things to other dogs being dragged by the metal wire or a horrible dog being carried in a cage. The dogs in the cages that knew weren't getting out alive shouted , “Dead Dog Walking, when a dog or puppies were dragged through the door to be killed. Then they all laughed even though they knew their time would come soon enough. It wasn't funny.

This paragraph needs revision. The beginning sentence sounds awkward. Additionally, punctuation marks are out of place.

Whatever these people clean with burns the pads of my feet and my lungs.
Whatever these people clean with, burns the pads of my feet and my lungs.
[Inserting a comma where I put it, clarifies the context of the sentence.]

Avoid preaching like this paragraph below; when you do, be subtle about it because it's a turn off for your reader. Here's an example:

Animals depend on people, but we are often forgotten, Isn’t it time for someone to help them? Why don't people become active with the shelters and SPCAs. Donate as much as they can and volunteer to help with programs in school and fundraisers. Where are the Girl Scouts and Boyscouts? They can help. Anybody can help. Please help us, somebody!

*Dialogue
Your dialoguing needs cleaning up. It's all over the place.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great story with potentials. Organization of thoughts need tightening. I suggest going over this again and moving ideas around for clarity and readability. Pay close attention to paragraphing and use of punctuation marks.

At any rate, keep writing. The more we write, the better we become. Never let these roadblocks discourage you. On the other hand, face the challenge and keep going. *Smile*


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309
309
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi S-J,

** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable **

Because it's Power Reviewers Raid Week, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.

*Content
I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.And let me tell you why. I came from the Philippine Islands and live in the rural area where the only alarm clock is the rooster that crows at dawn. Usually, the first crow I hear wakes me up instantly. It was nothing new or unusual. It was commonplace.

Well, the first time my Connecticut Yankee husband came to the Islands, what caught his attention right away was the rooster crowing at pre-dawn in the hotel we were staying. It startled him. He jumped out of bed. He couldn't believe that guests in Metropolitan hotels take their roosters with them. I had to explain to him that, actually, these are fighting cocks trained to fight in sports arenas where cock fighting is allowed. Gamblers make make money big-time with this past-time.

Anyway, here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit this poem for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions would be enclosed in brackets and color-coded green, if I find any.

Fortunately for you, I noticed only one instance that gave me a pause, which is this one:

They listen to anothers tale unravel

They listen to another's tale unravel

*Disclaimer
I hope my observation can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that this is from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Delightfully written. I hear the rooster crowing as I went through every line in this poem.


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310
310
Review of Saving Maximus  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Sewcrazy:

** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable **
Whew! That was quite a hiatus. I decided it's time to get back to work. And because it's Power Reviewer's Raid Week-end, I'm here to join and contribute to the raid.

*Content
I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need minor fixes or tweaking for clarity and readability:

"Come here mama Belle, come let me brush your pretty hair and tail." I said.
[Use comma not period for attribution
"Come here mama Belle, come, let me brush your pretty hair and tail," I said.]

"I look fat, that's it, I am a fat little dog!" It appears she does not like having a huge belly. [Describe how she seems to be saying this in her facial expression or how she looks at herself disgustingly.]

"The kids will be home in a couple more hours Belle, I'd get a nap if I were you." I said."
"The kids will be home in a couple more hours Belle, I'd get a nap if I were you," I said.

As Belle lay there her eyes and ears are always aware of everything going on around her.
As Belle lay there, her eyes and ears are always aware of everything going on around her.

...at a closer look the baby's are moving.
...at a closer look the babies are moving.

"How are you feel this morning little mama? Are you going to have them puppies soon?" [Because this is a direct quotation, I tend to ignore the awkward sentence structure. But, if this is not intentional, then, I suggest making a correction this way:
"How do you feel this morning little mama? Are you going to have them puppies soon?" ]

Poor Belles belly rests on the floor while she eats.
Poor Belle's belly rests on the floor while she eats.

Sbaturday (A minor typo)

Lori was still to young to understand the birds and bees and now was not a good time to explain it to her.
Lori was still too young to understand the birds and bees and now was not a good time to explain it to her.

Unfortunately sometime while we were keeping watch we fell asleep and Belle had a fifth puppy.
Unfortunately, sometime while we were keeping watch, we fell asleep and Belle had a fifth puppy.

vacume sealed [ vacuum-sealed ]

The above are samples only. They are not exhaustive. So, you might go over the areas that need correction with a fine-tooth comb.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Good showing instead of telling.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
A beautiful story on birthing and saving the life of a newly-born pup. You have the skill in taking care of a pup in distress at birth. It gives me the goose-bumps because I wouldn't know what to do, if I were in your shoes.

As far as composition itself if concerned, this needs work. I suggests thorough editing and proofreading before submitting. I say this because you have a wonderful story to tell and you don't want to discourage your readers from flipping to the next page when they come across minor roadblocks that would turn them off.

Write away. Redo. Revise. Proofread. Edit. Make your masterpiece sparkle. Make it hum.

You have the talent to write. Keep it up.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi hooves of County Mayo,

Whew! That was quite a hiatus. I decided it's time to get back to work. And because it's Raid Week-end, ** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable ** , I'm here to join and contribute to the raid.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great account from Othello's point of view. Imagine if our pets could talk and write like humans do. They would have lots of stories to tell. Perhaps that's the reason why God limited their abilities to communicate. At least, they are witnesses that will remain silent forever. But, with modern technology, Scientists have found a way for them to reveal secrets that are beyond the naked eye. DNA! Hairs found in victims body are traceable to a dog, a cat, or a horse that can connect the perpetrator of the crime to the victim.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation, it's almost flawless, except for the ones shown below:

[ well adjusted ][ well-adjusted ] [Compound word]

The American standard rule in the use of quotation marks: Comma is always inside the end quote. The British rule is opposite. Therefore, the safe thing to do is to be consistent in using one or the other.

1) They developed the famous "Bayer Aspirin," didn't they?

2) Money bought the invaders time to do what they wanted to people like my family, and to the other "workers".

*Dialogue
One thing I can also suggest is to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It gives the story life. There is tension in this story that needs to come out and be amplified in the character's own words.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for writing this story and sharing it. It's insightful, thought-provoking and revealing.

Write away, hooves.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi GeminiGem,

Whew! That was quite a hiatus. I decided it's time to get back to work. And because it's Raid Week-end,

** Image ID #2111176 Unavailable ** I'm here to join and contribute to the raid.


For starters, I'll tackle this piece as it seems interesting.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a delightful account of how a sleepless night give you a new appreciation of those little irritating sounds that turn out to be music to your ears.

As for *Mechanics,*Syntax and *Punctuation, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

The sore muscles in my back catch [and] [a] spasm instead of relaxing. [Delete and replace]

I know, I know, snoring has a bad [rep.] [rap?] [I just wondered if you meant "rap."]

The other snores are coming from my small dogs. If you haven't heard a small dog snore, let me tell you, there is nothing more adorable. These little sounds make me smile. I had two of them harmonizing in a doggie duet that sound like Basil and Tamale Schnitzel. Colby Jack's voice joins in when one of the first two shifts position..

I would consider revising the above to show instead of tell where the other noise comes from. Transpose the first two sentences or delete them all together.

"To my listening ears, I hear these delightful little sounds close by. How could I not smile hearing my two sleeping doggies harmonizing with sounds like Basil and Tamale Schnitzel. Colby Jack's voice joins in when one of the first two shifts position..."

Use of Ellipses: Also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipsis have two important functions. First, they are used to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. The second use of ellipsis is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. The only time an extra period is added to the three dots is when the sentence is grammatically complete. [The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference]

*Dialogue
Good employment of internal dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Beautifully done, GeminiGem. Delightfully cute.


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Joy,

Wow! I find this poem delightful, amusing, and intriguing.

You really nailed that image of President Lincoln cross-dressing, sneaking into his inauguration to avoid the attempt to assassinate him as a prompt in creating this poem.

Your own version of disguise is so vivid and dramatic. What creativity you mastered here.

*Over-all take away Very impressive.

QueenOwl Is Back
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Inspire,

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a great way to start your writing endeavor. I like the way you look at yourself introspectively and then get out of your box to see what is outside your perimeters. Like one great philosopher wrote,(was it Plato, Socrates, or Alexander Pope?)saying, "Know yourself. The proper study of mankind is man." It is something to that effect.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
Here are a few guides I collated for you:
1) Use of Ellipsis: According to The Writer's Digest' Desk Reference: "Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text. First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. Second use of ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purposes. If you delete one or more words from the end of the quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period."

2) Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

As to the saying, "No one has felt my pain".
Corrected: "No one has felt my pain."

Standard American English puts the period inside the quotation marks.

3) Point of View (POV)

Avoid switching POV. Stick with one in one paragraph.

It's a scary thought, that someone out there may actually understand you. We're all brought up that we are our own person. That we can never be duplicated. Yet, here you are, wondering if someone else had thought of it before. And they have. How you have felt years ago, how you still feel.

4) Spelling

Although neither has made it to the alter, I never give up on it. (Correct spelling: altar)

We over exaggerate on our be comings to make them feel belittled.
(becomings is one word.)

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away.

Good start, Inspire. The most difficult part is always exposing our first submission. It takes courage to muster that fear of rejection or close scrutiny. You have overcome that wonderfully here. You're now headed in the right direction. Keep up the good work. You'll be a best-seller before you know it.*Smile*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi

** Image ID #2095961 Unavailable **

It's Mystery Review Raid Day, Micaelavdb. That means I'm here to raid the mystery of the cheshire cat you wrote about. Is there a mystery to it? We'll soon find out, right? If there isn't, we'll create it. How's that for being creative?

The title of your piece sounds intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

I can imagine how fowls, cats, dogs, cattle and all other living being would be conversing given the ability to speak as human beings do. Even then, they can still communicate in their own way. Their actions or behaviors are just subject to human interpretation as humans identify with them. Indeed, there is a symbiotic relationship among our lower-class friends and neighbors in the outside world. Because we are all from dust and we all go back to dust. The only difference is that the human soul goes back to God.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

The Cheshire cat had been walking for days. He was far from his destination still and tired.

[These first two sentences stopped me on my tracks. How can a cat be walking for days. Then be still and tired. Walking and still cannot be complementing each other in this scenario. Needs a little tweaking to separate the picture of a cat walking and still.]

Consider revising. Perhaps, something like:

[The Cheshire cat had been walking for days. He was far from his destination. Getting tired, he stood still, as if to reconsider whether he should keep on going or give up.]

Then from here[,][Insert comma] for the first time since he had left his home, he began to wash himself.

“Hello cat[.][,]” [Said][said]
the bird.

[Dialogue tags completes the dialogue. Always use comma when dialogue terminates and use lower case for the tag.]

[“Hello cat,” said the bird.]

"Your great gold eyes gave you away. As if your purple fur would blend into this wood in any case[.][,]” [The][the] [birded][bird][typo] chuckled.

["Your great gold eyes gave you away. As if your purple fur would blend into this wood in any case,” the bird chuckled.]


‘I am.’ He said, his voice still young, but full of quiet pride. [I'm curious: Why is I am in single quotes?]


["I am," he said, his voice still young, but full of quiet pride.]

"But...how that is...this is the first time I have ever met a Cheshire cat!” he exclaimed.


” he d"But how are you away from you birthplace? Never has a Cheshire cat ever been seen outside Cheshire!emanded. [This dialogue was done properly. The rule is consistency. Be consistent in using the standard rule in writing.]


I notice the British spellings you employ in your manuscript, such as the following:

apologised [apologized]
realisation [realization]
honoured [honored]
favoured [favored]

I just thought I'll point that out in as much as using the standard American English spellings are more acceptable globally, I've been told.

[It s][It's] a great task you must have to do such a thing as this.

The Cheshire kitten looked down now, at the ground [is][delete] below.

“Yes[.][,]” [He][he] said.

*Dialogue
You employed dialogue showing the Cheshire cat and the black bird interacting with each other. It moves the story making it interesting for the reader to keep on reading.

I do notice the inconsistency in your application of punctuation marks in dialogue tags as I already pointed out. Because some are done correctly, it just tells me that you need to revisit your drafts for cleaning of these pesky little squiggly that irritate a potential publisher, editor or agent. Or, even a reader for that matter.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away

Wow! Almost a believable story. Animals do have similar characteristics and instincts as human beings do. If only they could talk. They would have a lot to say. That's the mystery! The Cheshire cat and the black bird were able to talk like human beings do. (In the author's creative brain.)

Write away, Micaelavbd. You have the ability to put words together to create a story. Stay with it. Revisit your work and revise. That's the ticket: Revise. Revise. Revise.


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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi, Creative Writer,

** Image ID #2095961 Unavailable **

It's Mystery Raid Review time and eyestar suggested your piece to review. So, here I am, reading and reviewing your piece so I can offer you my take away.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I wanted desperately to find out what the mystery of Stony Lane was. I regretfully did not find it. Maybe it's me and my thick head; then, again, maybe the story needs tighening for clarity and readability.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

[He lives in either the last house, or the second from the last house at the
end of the street on either side.]
[This sentence is jarring. Tighten it by deleting the last three words in the sentence.]

It would read,"He lives in either the last house, or the second from the last house at the end of the street."

[and then] This was used a little too often. Five times to be precise. Try to look for alternative transitions.


*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to break down the monotony of narration. Show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Use internal dialogue for your main character to move the story along and keep your reader interested. Otherwise, your reader will close the book and look for something else to read.
Show - don't tell.

*Over-all take away.

I find this entire narrative confusing, at best. I cannot figure out heads or tails or which way is up. There is so much repetition of the word: house, street,and either. References to the color of the houses and where they were located were jarring. They showed up in almost every sentence there is. To be honest, I felt cheated for not getting the resolution of the supposed mystery at the end.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

At any rate, write away, Creative Writer. You have it in you to put words on paper. Stay with it. And, revise later. Revision is the ticket.


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Review of The Seventh Day  
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi
** Image ID #2095961 Unavailable **

It's Mystery Raid Day! So, here I am looking for mystery stories to read and review. It's your lucky day, Iva.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green(if there are any to pick).

*Content

I found the title of this story intriguing, I just had to sit down and read to find out what's it all about.

Hell is indeed a place nobody wants to be but that's where he indeed up at the end of the day. No amount of recriminations would change it.

Fortunately or unfortunately, we decide our own destiny. Having a free will is a fortunate and wonderful thing but with it lies the danger of falling (alone) when one relies solely on his own free will. The more unfortunate devastating end is when there is no way to take a U-turn and the suffering is eternal.

Good story with lessons to learn from.

*Mechanics/Syntax
*Punctuation

You have a good command of the written word. Your thoughts are well organized. I could not find any awkward sentences that stopped me or put a slight wrinkle on my brow. I cannot spot any misspellings either. And let me tell you, I spot misspellings from afar off! Of course, I'm not critiquing this with a fine tooth comb, so, pardon my seeming laxness. When I read something I like, I seem to tolerate pesky little typos in punctuation marks and such. Like I say, it's your lucky day!

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues cut the monotony of reading a narrative; most importantly, they put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and identifies oneself as interacting in the action. This applies to internal dialogue, as well, if your story involves one character. Talking to oneself makes the story move along.

*Over-all take away
From Biblical standpoint of hell, your description is not quite as disturbing and graphic. Read Matthew 8:12, "there is outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth"; then, Matthew 13:42, refers to a "furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth"; and Matthew 24:51, "...there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Also read Luke 16:20-31, which is the story of two individuals who died: Lazarus, a beggar, died ahead of the rich man. When the rich man died, he saw Lazarus from afar off, cuddled in Abraham's bosom. The rich man cried to Abraham, saying, "Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame."

If you use these images (or similar) to describe what it's like to be in hell, your scene will make it more gripping.

Write away, Iva. You have the gift of writing. The secret of being at your best is revising. Revise. Revise. Revise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to dialoguing and use of vivid images in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.




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Review of The curse  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, JMcCulloch,


In celebration of writing.com's 16th Anniversary, Writing.Com Happy Birthday!
Image #1585921 over display limit. -?- , I picked this story to read, review and give you my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

A customer, later identified as Amber, forced herself in the store at closing time one night, looking for help from the storekeeper, Kenzie. She indicated it was an emergency. I got that part. But, when Kenzie assumed that the customer was looking for paranormal material, novel, or book, whatever, I got lost. I didn't see the connection between an emergency and a paranormal romance material.

Perhaps the scene could be set-up as a paranormal bookstore? But then, Kenzie narrates that "We’d been getting a lot of women who were looking for romance novels lately, but the store didn’t sell it."

Then, down some paragraphs later, I find that it is a small occult store, dealing with witches and things of that nature including ghosts and ghosts-related materials. The scene in this first chapter needs tweaking to clarify to the reader what to expect as the story moves along. A reference to the "small occult store" should be a banner waving when a customer enters the store.

I would like to see what happens in the next chapter. Is Kenzie a ghost-buster? Is Amber the girl who was recently murdered and is now visiting Kenzie as a ghost? Are they both ghosts? Or are they real human beings dealing with ghosts? These are the questions dancing in my head.

Write away, JMcCulloch. I want to know how you create this ghost story to keep your reader interested. I like the way you inject tension. It makes the story gripping, intriguing, as well as, entertaining.

Spelling

[hocus pocus][hocus-pocus][Compound word]

You know, if you tried you could probably get a [tv][TV] deal,” Amber said.[I always see TV typed or written in uppercase. Check this one out.]

[glamourous][glamorous]


*Dialogue/Attributions

Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

Caveat: Attributions are part of the sentence in dialogues. Always use a comma (not a period) to complete the sentence.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need minor fixes and tightening for clarity and readability:

“So should I tell you about my ghost?” [She][she] asked.

I thought she was going to leave, [but][Delete. Redundant.] instead she pulled out a hot pink wallet that matched her bag.

[Corrected sentence: I thought she was going to leave, instead, she pulled out a hot pink wallet that matched her bag]

She balled her hands into fists, and for a moment I thought she might try to hit me, [but][delete] instead she took a deep breath.


[Corrected sentence: She balled her hands into fists, and for a moment I thought she might try to hit me, instead, she took a deep breath.]

Yes she was younger when she picked on me, but she had only come back now that she needed my help. “You can come back tomorrow and get an aura reading or whatever you think will help you, but I’m not going to offer my help.”
“I’ll pay you,” she said.
I shook my head. I had never thought about using my gift to help anyone, and I wasn’t sure how I would help her. I was aware that many people thought of my ability [was][as] [glamourous], but I wasn’t among them. I would have traded with them in a heartbeat for a chance to live a normal life.
“Do you honestly think I would have wanted this for myself? Look around, I’m stuck working a dead-end job at an occult shop because I happen to have the ‘gift’ of seeing ghosts. A gift that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but it was forced on me because my dad pissed off some cheap fortune teller.” I couldn’t stop my arms from shaking as I tossed another book onto my cart.

I[,] at least[,] wanted to know how much she would offer to pay me. “How much?” I asked. [Insert commas]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You're off to a good start. With tweaking here and there, this can be your masterpiece. Write away! Revise later. Revision is the trick.


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Review of Lost  
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi maryam:

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Black Dragon sig , I'm reviewing your submission and sharing my input.

As you can see I'm a member of Power Reviewers Group and we do review raids regularly. I'm pleased to see you join writing.com and welcome you here. It's the right place to be if your goal is to improve your writing skills.

*Disclaimer

I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Content

Mental health is a subject I'm interested in. It is something that we need to be aware of in its subtle way of raveling. Compassion and understanding may make a difference toward healing for someone who suffers from mental breakdown. I'm with you. I get it.

*Mechanics

& they asked her if she is OK? and she smiled and replied "yes" and they believed ....

You started with a symbol, "&" with your first sentence.

I can see this is your first submission here. The cardinal rule in writing is to write out every word in your sentence. Lay aside symbols, shortcuts and abbreviations when it comes to serious writing.

It didn't happen at once. People gave her a reason not to be too good and negativity started surrounding her and she started becoming a bad person. The mean world drained all the good from her.

Based on the above statement, what I hear is that this person is blaming everyone else for her condition. Perhaps, taking responsibility for her outlook in life will open a window of turning around from misery to hope and healing.


*Punctuation

Her brain feels like an empty balloon moving here and there and in the last it blasts
For now
she is just trying all by herself...

Watch out for pesky but necessary punctuation marks. Review your format before clicking Send/Post. A terminating period is missing after the word blasts and the last sentence need to be in one line.

Having said all that, over-all, you're off to a good start. Keep writing.


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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Adrienne,

Just curious to know how many submissions were there competing? I know there were quite a few but I cannot seem to find the submissions. I was not able to read them all.

I'll poke around some more to find them so I can read them all.

Your contest is a challenge and an inspiration. I'll see what other issues I have that I'm so opinionated about and work on it for the next round.

Thank you for the opportunity to express ourselves boldly unbridled by political correctness.

*Owl1*
QueenOwl
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
For so long, I have struggled in finding the right Christian church, with fundamental, Biblical doctrines that I can heartily and convincingly agree on. In my search for truth in religious practices, I have espoused Apostle Paul's argument that water baptism is not a must for church membership; however, most Christian churches still require it today; albeit, it's merely for identification and not for salvation.

This was one source of controversy between Apostle Paul the 12 apostles and the Jewish community in their time. Apostle Paul argued and debated it and he, supposedly, won the argument. However, today, it is still an unsettled issue among fundamental Christian churches.

I stand with Apostle Paul in proclaiming that water baptism is not essential in joining a church and his arguments are embodied in the treatise I have submitted.

Glad to see this contest dealing with controversial issues that beset humankind, giving us a chance to present our opinions without fear of criticisms,reprisals or condemnation. Moreover, I find this a great way to present my personal take-away that is dear to my heart.

Thank you.

QueenOwl Is Back
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322
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
My beautiful 40-year old daughter had her double mastectomy last June 25. She's declared cancer-free now but still needs to go through close and constant watch. She's awaiting her reconstructive surgery,which will be before this year ends. I'll write my letter and post it here.
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Review of The Attack  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Kitkat,

Happy Birthday, WdC Sig 4

To celebrate WDC's 15th year anniversary, I'm doing reviews and picking random submissions from portfolios. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is an engaging and entertaining story from the eyes of a six year old.

*Mechanics
There are some areas that need tweaking as I'll point out below.

*Syntax
Anyways [This is informal. "At any rate" might be a better choice.]

*Punctuation
I saw two issues that kicked me out in the first sentence below I cut and pasted:
1) Tags are part of the sentence. Do not capitalize the first letter;
2) Splitting the quotation makes the sentence flow awkwardly.

My dad walked over to me and smiled, "Hey, Chick," This was his nickname for my sister and me;"do you want to put this up?" He asked.

Consider removing the splice (parenthetical explanation) altogether. It might sound better this way:
My dad walked over to my sister and me smiling. "Hey, Chicks, do you want to put this up?" he asked.

[My reasoning behind using plural "Chicks" instead of singular is because in the context of your narrative, your dad referred to both you and your sister that way. In the alternative, you can eliminate mentioning your sister to keep your original quote.

My dad walked over to me smiling. "Hey, Chick, do you want to put this up?" he asked. ]

I slipped into my one piece, flower covered[,] suit, with some help from Jess.
[Delete the comma]

*Dialogue
Don't miss the opportunity to employ dialoguing when the scene calls for it. This is specially needed in the climax. Show your reaction with words you said. How did they react in words they said? Characters conversing puts action into the story and breaks the monotony of narration.

Over-all Take-away:
The three elements of a short story was satisfied: beginning, middle and end.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take each one with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative. What I'm looking at is how our work can improve and have a chance of landing an editor's desk and be published.

Write away, Kitkat. You have it in you.


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324
324
Review of The Hunt  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Oni,

Happy Birthday, WdC Sig 4

To celebrate WDC's 15th year anniversary, I'm doing reviews and picking random submissions from portfolios. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Gosh. What an imagination. I don't know what to say about this story. It's horror, all right. It's too graphic, gory and unappetizing for me. Be that as it may, let me give you a feedback on the following issues:

[ The next two months, he hunted her. Enthralled by her beauty, a whirlwind romance followed. Before long, he asked for her hand in marriage, and she accepted.

After the ceremony, they traveled back to her empty art gallery in Soho. They drank a toast, and she went to pack her things.

Why was the wine bitter?.]

The above narrative is too skeletal. You can give details to embellish your scene here. Because this was prepared for submission to a contest, was there a limit to the length of the story?

*Mechanics
You have a good command of the written language.

*Punctuation

Why was the wine bitter?.[Did you intentionally put that period at the end of the sentence? Delete it. It doesn't belong.]

The Demon Azazel appeared floating on her back. [Where did this character Demon Azazel come from? There was no foreshadowing about this character from the start. It came out of nowhere.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialoguing. Characters conversing puts life into the story and breaks the monotony of narration.

Over-all Take-away:
If the question in his mind, Why was the wine bitter? a foreshadowing of what was to happen to climax the story, I did not see it at all. When the story ended, I still wondered why the wine was bitter. Think about that and tweak it so satisfy your reader.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the nuts and bolts in writing short stories. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

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325
325
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Question: What image can I use in my reviews to show my participation in this 15 year grand celebration? For example: ~~Image #1700325 Sharing Restricted~~ but this is sharing restricted so I cannot use it.

Help!

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