Hi Cecilia,
 
On behalf of WDC Reviewer's Group, I'm doing a review of your work, titled, I Remember It.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
*Content
I feel the agony of seeming abandonment and neglect the narrator went through in her childhood. Painfully, she remembers her mother's wave goodbye and her father's smile. These two images floating in her memory she did not want to let go because they sustained her sanity and connection in times of loneliness and despair. What a gripping account she accomplished in putting them on paper.
As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax and *Punctuations are concerned, I cut and pasted snippets that were glaring and kicked me out. Take a second look at these examples and rework them for clarity and readability.
I loved to spin in [them ]watching [it] twirl around my legs until I collapsed onto the ground from dizziness. [Grammar skirmish. How about this:
I loved to spin in my dress, watching the skirt twirl around my legs until I collapsed onto the ground from dizziness.
[My mother and father loved each other very much, though it did seem like a strange match, it worked, though they did fight sometimes.] [There is a tinge of awkwardness in this sentence. Consider reworking it. Maybe with something like this:
My mother and father loved each other very much. Though it did seem like a strange match because they fight sometimes, their relationship worked.
Though he scared me and I didn’t like him much [,][Insert] I still loved him [despite that,][delete] because he was my father and I couldn’t help it. [Though and despite used in the same sentence is redundant, as well, as awkward.]
That’s the thing I remember most, me standing in the driveway alone as the wind swept away my tears with my mother waving at me and my father giving me my first small smile [and my last]. [Delete this. You're giving your story away prematurely.]
My mind kept replaying [mother's wave,] [father's] first smile. [Insert apostrophe to show possessive noun.]
[When][Right after] he told her he left.
Mother’s small wave, father's smile. Mother's smile, father's wave, I saw it over and over. Mother's crying, father's happy loving eyes. Mother's laugh, father's nod. Mother's wave, father's smile. [Be consistent with your punctuation marks where needed. In these instances, you're neglecting to insert apostrophes where needed.]
Family members I’d never seen [came]; some crying, others gossiping.
Once everyone left [,] I walked to their graves [,] laid so closely together. I sat down in between them, as if yearning for their embrace.
Later[,] my aunt came to get me. [Insert comma.]
I visited their graves each day sitting in between them like a child should until the sun met the ground and then I walked home after I gave each of them a wave and a small smile. [I'm curious. Is the cemetery a walking distance from where you live? You say you walked home, how did you get there? Show necessary details that satisfies your reader's curiosity.]
My aunt took me clothes' shopping, bought me a tooth brush [,] tooth paste, and other toiletries, nothing else. [Insert comma.]
The officers relieved expression when my aunt came out, both of us experiencing something new at the same time, and the comfort I felt, my aunt’s sobs that filled the air, with me staring numbly at the gray sky. I still did not cry. [This seem to be out of chronology. Expound on this scenario to demonstrate the right time and place where it belongs.]
It was a year and three months later when I saw him.
[This seems to be out of place. Who is the him appearing for the first time in your story? There was no foreshadowing of this new character prior.]
It hurt and I felt nothing. [Inconsistency. Being hurt and feeling nothing is a dichotomy of sorts.] The question hanging over the head of the reader is, "How do you know you're hurt if you cannot feel anything?" The narrator needs to clarify what is meant by this claim.
As to the boy with the tears and the sky, I don't know how to correlate this part into the narrator's world, unless this is Fiction, Sci-Fi or Occult. I have to leave that hanging for now. Suffice it to say I'm pleased to see Anna and Jordan join hands in the end and found companionship with each other.
*Dialogue
The dialogue you employed towards the end broke the monotony of narration. Good job.
*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away
I find this story rambling. I'm confused and lost in chronology of events, time and place. I'm not sure whether they're intentional to show the narrator's troubled spirit, or, it's merely a writing hurdle one needs to jump over. That being said, I suggests major rework to iron out folds and crinkles in the storyline to make it shine, pop and sparkle.
Keep writing, Cecilia. You have it in you to put pen to page.
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| (4.5)
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