It's WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group "Celebrating Indigenous People Review" Raid and I picked your submission to read and review.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
I see a potential for this story to develop with drama, controversy, and action which are essential to storytelling. This is a good starting point.
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in harmony with American standard rules in writing:
persons ribs [person's ribs- insert apostrophe for possessive noun.]
She feels compelled to say something, anything, just so long as it puts an end to the insanit[y... but ]for some reason she can't allow herself to even open her mouth.
Use of Ellipsis: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.
Here are two examples of writing violations which are easy to fix. I noticed quite a few of them as I continued to read. Always begin the first letter of the first word in a new sentence in upper case.]
[hide somewhere, in a few hours I want you to crawl out the basement window and run to your uncle Luke's house, ok?][
Bang! Bang! Bang![ her][Her] mother slams the door shut,
"Alright! enough! hold this piece of shit up, he's got some explaining to[ do".][Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.
Try to pay attention to mechanics such as when to use capitalizations and application of punctuation marks where needed. Many a reader or editor for that matter will look for another material to read when they see your manuscript loaded with mechanical violations, albeit minor because they are distracting.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away
Like I said at the outset, this story has potentials. What is needed here is cleaning up to please your reader, after all, we write to be read, right?
Keep writing, Djinn. You have the knack. Hone it to your advantage.
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