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226
226
Review of Red  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,dav.inci:
** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What is curious to me is to see her (By the way, giving "her" a name could make her more human and personal to the reader) press as hard as she could to emphasize the red color? I can see anger instead of a passionate romance emanating from it in your characterization of her in bolding the redness in the coloring book.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

But first, allow me to comment on your spellings. I can see you have a British background because of how you spell some words that are spelled differently from the American Standard use. Such nuance in spelling are the following:

colour - color

colouring - coloring

realise - realize

favourite - favorite

realisation - realization


Use of Ellipsis: May I point out to you what the uses of ellipsis are? Here's where you applied its use:

Going back to the same page and meeting the dress made her realise red was her favourite colour... every time she looked at red, she recalled the moment of meeting her true love which caused her to develop a feeling of passion.

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Dialogue
This element is not called for in this exercise. I'll forego making a comment on it.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I understand this is not a "stand-alone" piece of work, right? It's part of a bigger and broader manuscript. Wherever you're inserting this blurb, it's an excellent way of describing how the color Red made a lasting imprint in her inner eye.

Good work, dav. Keep writing.


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227
227
Review of The Premonition  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Firefly:
** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

It's WDC Superpower Reviewer's Group October Raid it is! So, here I come eagerly looking for materials to raid and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
For some reason, the theme of your short story "Premonition" did not work for me in the context of the story.

[Time had proven that the professor's premonition wasn't completely wrong.]
I did not see what was so evil or foreboding in the professor's remark. It seems to me what the professor said was a matter of fact, practical and rational. ("So? Don't you have your own say? If you don't stand your ground, how will you survive in the industry?")

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. All you need here is to apply conventional use of punctuation marks for readability and clarity.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Over-all, you need to clean-up your punctuation marks. This is the area where extensive work is needed.

At any rate, write away, Firefly. Work on your writing potential. You're on your way. Stay with it.

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228
228
Review of Isabella  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Antonette:

** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **
October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Let me get to the elements of a Short Story right of the bat inasmuch as you presented this as such.

A Short Story must have these parts to be considered one: Theme (plot); Setting (where); Characters - Who is your protagonist/antagonist - show conflict); Point of View (POV); Climax and Resolution. Simply, a short story needs a beginning, middle and end.

This piece does not resemble the above characterization. Consider going back to the drawing board and do extensive revision.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,*Spelling and the whole ball of wax is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability, conciseness and clarity:

sorrounds [surrounds]

She never gets compliment [to][for] all the good things she did.[Replace]

The confidence inside her[,] does not show on her face [its] not because she wanted to, but because she was told to stay humble no matter what.[Delete]

She considers herself blessed. Not because she likes to feel it. But because God said it so. [Use correct punctuation. This is a fragment.]

She's like a wind ready to go in any direction as long as that path is [leaded][lead] by God.

She's a risker, that her heart was wounded a hundred times but always ready to stand up cause she knows that as long as you [she]can feel pain and ache, you're[she's] alive. Which means there is more time to heal yourself [herself]and get up again. [Switch in POV. Revise for readability and clarity]

[Your last two paragraphs keep switching between she and you. Stay with one POV for readability and consistency.]

*Dialogue
This element would the the icing on the cake on a short story. Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Keep writing, Antonette, and read short stories to see the pattern. As you read more and write more, you'll find your AHA moment right at your fingertips. Finally, when your draft is done, revise. Revision is the key that all writers hate but cannot dismiss willy-nilly.


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229
229
Review of Kate the Great  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Kate:

** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

It's WDC SuperPower Reviewers Group September Raid that brought me to your port today. I hope you're eagerly anticipating some visitors to read this masterpiece to give you their input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, separated by a space, as well.

*Content
I can empathize with Kate's struggle and suffering from the physical ailment she went through as a pre-teen, which continued through her adolescence. What an awful way to face life at such a young age who anticipates big dreams and accomplishments in her journey.

It's so refreshing to know that life was not all dim and gloomy for her. With the partnership of her High School friend, Sara-Jane, she found a new lease on life and as the author aptly stated in Sara-Jane's perspective, "SJ always said they would do something great for mankind someday. Kate had no idea SJ would be telling the truth."

I couldn't wait to read the next chapter to find out what "great" thing these two girls have done or will do. Good cliffhanger, Kate.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, what slows down your story and discourages your reader from reading to the end are the formatting and grammatical violations in the whole manuscript. Take your time in paying attention to the nuts and bolts of writing for clarity and readability. Read your draft aloud and listen to your pauses. Every time you pause, put a comma. You'll find a big difference in the sound of your written work.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for conciseness, clarity, and readability:

When Kate was 12 yrs old she had [a] brain aneurysm.[Delete article. Not needed.]

12 year old [12-year-old]

18 years old [18-years-old]

10 story building [10-story building]

You all know who Christopher Reeves is[,]right?[Insert comma]

Kate sure didn't know what the [h] was going on.[Choose an alternative term if you're uncomfortable using the word standing for "h."

The school nurse, Kathy[,] was a special kind of stupid.[Insert the proper noun inside two commas as the sentence can stand without it.]

Kathy obviously didn't believe her[,] seeing as how Kate went to her office quite a number of times[,] before finally on the third attempt[,] Kathy said she would call Kate’s mom and gave Kate an ice pack to put on her head, like an ice pack was going to help.[Sentence too long. Break it down to two or three short sentences.]

The next 20 [twenty]days it seemed she had a doctor appointment everyday.

Presentation of Numbers
Two easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:
1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I suggests you consider revising this narrative observing conventional grammar rules. The secret of honing your writing skills is to revisit and revise until it sparkles, sizzles and hums.

Write away, Kate. You have the spirit and the potential to make your writing shine.


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230
230
Review of Embraced By Light  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Prosperous Snow:
** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

Just passing through trying to find something to raid on this WDC SuperPower Reviewers Group September Raid week-end. Embraced by the Light caught my eye and I decided to stop in and give it a read.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Indeed, I can just imagine what newborn babies would say if given the gift of tongue the moment they see the first ray of light after being cooped up for nine months in darkness. I bet, they would have myriads of experiences to tell. These are the untold stories yet to be told!

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking in accordance with conventional grammar rules:

Then I saw a beam of light...

...slice through the night, like a drill taking a core sample of arctic ice.

Regarding the above snippet I cut and pasted, I'd like to point out to you what The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference says about the uses of ellipsis, for what it's worth.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

I know. I'm still guilty in using the ellipsis not for its intended use. I'm just as guilty as everybody else is. This is why I make it a point to make everybody aware so we can correct our bad habit of using it improperly.

As I listened[,] I realized that some of the voices were calling my name.[Insert comma]

As I descended through the tunnel, I [heard?] voices and the light changed, while the symbols disappeared. [Insert missing word]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great intuitive exposition, Prosperous Snow. What I didn't quite get at first was whether the narrator is the woman giving birth or the baby being delivered. But after rereading the last paragraph, I decided it's the baby coming out, right? It's the newborn's point of view! I get it.

Nice work, PS. Write away!


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231
231
Review of What's In A Name?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,Than Pence:
** Image ID #2151455 Unavailable **

It's Flash Friday Raid and it brought me to your port.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a subject that pulls the strings of my psyche. You want to know why? I bet you can guess why. Yes, my registered named at birth is not what I know it to be until I was twenty-seven years old and had to dig my birth certificate in order to immigrate to the USA.

Once I discovered that name, I was pleased to know that it's not who everybody knew me as. But I had to show it as my name because it was the only reference to who I was, where I was born, when I was born and who my parents are.

Before my swearing in as a naturalized US citizen, the Clerk asked me if I wanted to change my name. It was my opportunity to say, "Yes, Please. Drop the second name."

So I was liberated from that name I deplored. On the other hand, I'm glad that Amy came to accept her name at a certain point in her travail with it. I'd say, good for her.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that might need a special attention for tweaking. I am referring to the Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks in the following examples:

Amy hated that, being called “Rice”. ["Rice."]

“Rice-a-Roni”, “Minute Rice”, ["Rice-a-Roni," "Minute Rice,"]

She groaned a little because the side facing Mr. Bomkit was the side that read “Next Teller Please”. ["Next Teller, please."]

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Although, I may add that this convention is widely violated. I merely point this out for what its worth.

Use of Ellipsis
Amy frowned and wondered what not having a boyfriend had to do with anything in the bank… when she realized that Mr. Bomkit was gently rapping his palm against her nameplate.

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. They must fit in a single line. Ellipsis have two important functions:

1) They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipses, but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipses from the closing quotation mark. Moreover, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation.

2) The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue making your characters interact with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the reader participate in the action. Well done.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great development of your narrative, Than. When I have more time, I'll visit your port and read more to get the feel for your style and voice.


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232
232
Review of Mom to Grandma  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi, Angie :
** Image ID #2151455 Unavailable **

It's Flash Friday Review and I landed in your port looking for materials to raid.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
Because this is a short story, you need to format it as a short story. To me, this looks like a summary. The three basic elements of a short story are: Beginning, middle, and ending. They should be in separate paragraphs.

*Content
Your account of having a child at seventeen, picking the wrong person to partner, and seeing your son grow up to be a wonderful son; then himself becoming a dad - giving you joy as a Grandma has all the elements of a great story to tell.

I suggests, you go back to the drawing board and tell the story in detail that grips the heart and soul of your reader. Tell of the joys and sorrows you encountered. Tell of how you survive the ordeal you went through. What gave you strength when you didn't think you had it in you to overcome the hardships. This account is worth your time and effort to make it engaging.

*Dialogue
When you do rewrite this, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you seriously consider formatting your narrative, thereby, tightening some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
My strong suggestion is for you to rewrite this in an engaging way so as to win the hearts of your readers. The secret of writing is to revise, until the story hums and sparkles.

Keep writing, Angie. You have the potential. Work on it. It isn't easy but it's all worth the time, effort, and stretching of your imagination. And I would love to read the revision, deal?


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233
233
Review of My Wife's Escape  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Simple Dykie :
** Image ID #2151455 Unavailable **

It's Flash Friday and I landed in your port to raid your work.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great piece. It's one of your delightful, lighthearted, and engaging stories I have read. I like the way you described in detail the alluring characteristics of Escape and how your wife doted on him.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are two snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

a little under two tons tons of the latest in American know-how and cutting-edge technology. [I'm not sure if this is intentional or a duplication of tons.]

Would it be "two-tons tons" perhaps?

Use of Ellipsis (I'm gonna get you for this...*smile2* )

and......and.......

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. Ellipses have two important functions.
1) they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipses, but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipses from the closing quotation mark. Moreover, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation.
2) The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

In no circumstance should there be more than three dots unless the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. In this instance a fourth dot is added as the terminal punctuation mark.

*Dialogue
I always like your conversational style of writing. It's a good substitute for employment of dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Delightfully engaging. What's interesting to me is that your wife never invited you for a drive with Burt! I thought it was sort of "odd." But, I know why you went the way you did. You just need to show the strong competition and how you resolved your inadequacy. How did your wife react to Sally when you came home with her?

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234
234
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So,let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

Wow! What a gripping account. You have captivated me and drawn me to you as though I am taking your place. And let me tell you why. I am going through right now what you've been through in the past. I am getting goosebumps as I read every word in this story. You see, I am providing care for my 94-year-old mother and my 90-year old husband. I have to split my time between the two of them because I cannot leave my husband for long periods while attending to my mother - who does not want to give up her independence in her Senior Citizen's place. At some point she will have to acquiesce when she has no more say or choice in the matter. Until then, I have to keep her happy enjoying her independent living.


As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I am impessed at how well this is written. It is almost flawless except for a snippet I cut and pasted that need tweaking to conform to the conventional use of ellipsis:

[I didn’t object to her reasoning; after all, she was... well... Mama.]

The uses of Ellipses. This is my favorite subject. One that catches my attention at a glimpse. According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. The only time there is a fourth dot shown is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

Ellipsis have two important functions. 1) They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipsis but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipsis from the closing quotation mark. Furthermore, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation. 2) The second use is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

Here's the kicker: Both uses of the ellipsis involve their insertion within direct quotation. Avoid using ellipses as a substitute for a dash in other kinds of sentences.

So, if we were to observe the above standard, the sentence would look this way:
I didn’t object to her reasoning; after all, she was - well - Mama.

(Note: I cannot find the M-dash to use in this example. I did see you use it in a couple of areas here. I will give you a pass on this minor flaw and award you with a perfect rating.)

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. It puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the reader hear the words and see the character traits and gets the reader involved in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is truly a poignant and gripping account. Thank you for sharing. It gives me comfort, understanding and guidance in dealing with my aging mother as well as my aging husband.


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235
235
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Lisa:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

This is a beautiful poem. I would not change a word. I do see typos that need fixing. So, here is the version with typos removed. Corrections are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.


These are the days that have passed,

There are the [ memories ] that last.

memories of joy and memories of sorrow

give me hope for a tomorrow.



My heart is full of love

the type instilled from above.

When I'm gone you'll [remember ] me [too ] and

I shall always be with you.


*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I love the height and depth of the poet's love and attachment to the object of her affection. It's poignant.(By the way, the only reason why I took half a point off your rating is because of the misspellings.)

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236
236
Review of The StoryTeller  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,Fyn:

For shared use

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review! So,let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Is this going to be a prelude to a novel? It sounds to me that the Storyteller is introducing herself and the reason for the gathering that is taking place.

As far as *Mechanics/*Syntax are concerned, here's a snippet I cut and pasted that needs a minor fix:
[listening to a young women]
[listening to young women or in the alternative,
listening to a young woman.]

*Punctuation Marks
Let's look at the first sentence as it has caught my attention like a sore thumb:
The Scene: One hundred years in the future.... a group of people are sitting around a campfire...listening to a young women..... .

The uses of Ellipses. This is my favorite subject. One that catches my attention at a glimpse. According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. The only time there is a fourth dot shown is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

Ellipsis have two important functions. 1) They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipsis but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipsis from the closing quotation mark. Furthermore, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation. 2) The second use is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

Here's the kicker: Both uses of the ellipsis involve their insertion within direct quotation. Avoid using ellipses as a substitute for a dash in other kinds of sentences.

So if we were to observe the above standard, the sentence would look this way:
The Scene: One hundred years in the future - a group of people are sitting around a campfire - listening to a young woman.

*Dialogue
In your last paragraph, you have employed a dialogue showing a young angel talking to the Story Teller without the punctuation marks to demonstrate the dialogue part. It would make a big difference if it was written this way: "Stor'Tel? My name is Angel too," she smiled. "Here."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I have hinted in the beginning, this would make a good prelude to a novel. It's building a foundation for a big production to be made. I would love to see how the story progresses when the Storyteller gets to the body of the story.

Write away!

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Review of Falling Up  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,Fyn:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

*Content
I'm with the mindset of the reporter who wasn't sure if he could print your answer or not because I'm like most folks. I'm simple-minded and down-to-earth. My vocabulary takes me only as far as the dictionary would take me. I had to look up the word, "verbicasious" because it hit me smack in the middle of my eyesight. So, here's what I found:

verbicasious [No definition available.]
Because I cannot find this word in the dictionary, did you make this up? It almost taste delicious to be associated with a casserole. Hope you submitted it to lexicographers for consideration in the next edition of the standard dictionary. I do love the sound of it.

On the other hand, I can relate to your reference of the "fish falling up" because it sounds to me like "belly up." When the fish "belly ups" it's dead, right? In business parlance, it means bankrupt. That much I can understand.

*Dialogue
Not applicable in this essay.

*Over-all take away
Great philosophical exposition. I just get lost with your far out vocabulary. Thanks to my handy dictionary that's close by. It helps me climb up to your level.

Write away, Fyn.


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Review of Witchcraft  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,BlackAdder:
** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This story looks to me as a one setting story with Colonel Johnson in some kind of a motel or hotel taking a break after a hard day's battle with savages. A young maiden, seemingly, a room cleaner, tried to make the bed for him. I surmise she took a liking to him and flirted with him.

The two were engaged in a conversation regarding tales of a beautiful woman who became his wife. At some point during their marriage, this woman died, but he has never forgotten her.

Meanwhile, the author diverted the reader's attention to a crone miles away, practicing her witchcraft.

So good so far?

Now, they are still in the room, but this time, they're indulging in an intimate relationship.

Then the story concluded with this ending sentence:
"The crone, wasted in a few short years by her disease, lifted the copper needle high above the wooden doll, eyes flashing angry and red. That was when his pain began."

This time, I'm totally lost. I don't understand what the connection was between the crone and Colonel Johnson, unless, this ugly old hag was the wife that he said died quite a while back. And she's avenging him for her early death.

Did I get the gist of the witchcraft's tale?

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

"Such things are better unspoken,' Lohman whispered, at once teasing and pompous."
Where did the name Lohman come from? There was no indication where this name came from. If he is the same person a Colonel Johnson, I suggests you show that first name when you introduced Colonel Johnson in the introduction. Just a thought.

A new word to add to my vocabulary:
puissance - noun: power, might or force [late Middle English]

"You love is lost, then?" [Your] [Replace unless this is intentional in the dialogue.]

The officer grinned hungrily, though again the expression was interrupted [a] by a twitch and flash of discomfort.[Delete]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue moves the story as it puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It beats the monotony of a boring narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Honestly, I did not quite get a clear picture of the story. Be that as it may,it was rewarding to read something different.


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239
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,Than:
** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Curiosity has a funny way of reacting in our everyday interaction with fellow humans. As I delved into the story, my curiosity got the best of me too. I couldn't stop reading. I wanted to know why this Mustang man is doing what he's doing in odd places of all things!

Great story, Than. It got me too as soon as you were relating what you saw! I would have reacted the same way you did.

His pump stopped and the metallic sound, louder than I had anticipated, startled me. I inadvertently honked my horn and the man, the possibly-chiseled demigod, was caught unawares: he jolted and slipped back, his face filled first with stark surprise and then pain when his back fell against the edge of his trunk.

Funny how your equilibrium got off whack from the loud metallic sound resulting in your hand to accidentally hit the horn. And that resulted in a chain reaction that jolted the Mustang hunk of a man.

What a chain of comedy that was. I wanted to laugh but at the same time felt bad for Mustang. So glad you were brave enough to come out and introduce yourself and offer help.

I love the twist you cooked up in the end. You found yourself doing exactly what he did to begin with.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, I didn't see any glaring violations that stopped me or made me pause. There is only one area that did have a typo. Here is the snippet I cut and pasted that need a minor fix:

I wondered again if his hands were getting dirty and if he was going to get his white shirt or [he] [the] dark blue slacks stained in some way. [Fix typo]

The pump pumped as the solidly built man pumped. [ I'm impressed at the pun you created in this sentence. I tend to do similar word games. This reminds me of "Peter Piper picked a piece of pickled pepper, " or "Progress is progressively progressing."]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the story move and beats the monotony of reading a boring narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You have given me a laugh for the day, Than. I like your writing style. I think, I'll go visit your port when days are slow and I need something to entertain me.

Write away. You have the knack! Use it to your advantage.

(P.S: I hope you don't mind me deducting .5 from a perfect 5-rating I originally wanted to grade you with because of that minor typo I found. Now, that tells you to check your work with a fine tooth comb before submitting the next time!*Smile*

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240
240
Review of Angel Dog  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Writerlady:
** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great story. It's worth cleaning up and tightening for conciseness, brevity, clarity and readability.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, Spelling, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for errors and minor fixes:

[ Never the less] [Nevertheless is one word]

As a teenager, just learning the skill of driving,[ It][it] was thrilling to be completely lost on back roads, never knowing where you'll actually come out and find a main road or a tiny little town.[Replace capital "I" with lower case (i)]

As I got further along on a very narrow[,][delete] dirt road lined with tall pine trees[,] [Insert] I suddenly became aware of how dark it was getting.

Revised sentence after transposing commas: Does this sound better?
As I got further along on a very narrow dirt road lined with tall pine trees, I suddenly became aware of how dark it was getting.

four-way intersection [Hyphenate compound words]

Not even [a] click. [Insert]

The wheel refused to turn, the power was like something was sucking and draining is [slowly][slow].

It took all my strength to force the car to the side [of ][off]the road where it again died.[Replace]

[ no where] [nowhere is one word]

Now, is probably a good time to admit, one of the few rules Mom had for allowing me use of the car was, I was NOT to leave the city limits.[This sounds awkward. Try to revise for clarity and readability.]

"Lord," I prayed fervently, and as is typical of a desperate soul pleading for help from the Almighty, I made desperate promises if only He would get me out of this trouble.

[ my Mother] [ my mother] [Rule: Do not put on upper case mother, father, mom, dad when a pronoun precedes it.]

"...he launched himself [though] [through] my door," [Replace]

[over sized ] [oversized is one word]

[down pour] [downpour is one word]

[deep throat-ed growl] [deep throated growl] [Remove hyphen]

[ beat up] [ beat-up [Hyphenate]

One on my side, and I didn't really notice [there] [where] the others went. [Replace "there" with "where"]

I was about to do as he said, when I noticed his two friends had come around to the passenger side [was were][Delete wordiness] reaching out to open the doors.

Did they know[,] see[,] or hear how serious this dog was sounding? [Insert commas for clarity and readability]

The light rain had stopped, rays of morning light were starting to break [though][through] the darkness. [Replace with correct syntax]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It beats the monotony of reading a boring narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a scary episode you encountered on a stormy night. Your faith in God gave you the courage and presence of mind to survive a nightmarish experience. Because you called out to God for help, he sent you an angel of a dog to save you from three potential evildoers. God does answer prayers in the most unusual circumstance and in a mysterious way!

Wow! I see wonderful lessons you learned from this experience.

Write away, Writerlady. You have great potential for success in the wordsmithing world.

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Review of Jacob's House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, MeiliTT:

** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

I understand you just joined our awesome SuperPower Reviewers Group. To welcome you wholeheartedly, I visited your brand-new port to see what you have submitted that I can raid to offer you my input. Welcome and savor this Summer cook-out!*Smile*

I do see your first submission titled, Jacob's House. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
There is idealism and lofty philosophical view of life built into the lives of Jacob and Hannah in this story. Moreover, the span of time they involved each other in helping out the community cannot be told in a short story. My suggestion for the author would be to devote a chapter by chapter episode of each turning point that impacted their own personal lives and the community.

As far a *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

Once upon a time there lived a young man named Jacob who lived in a small village on a prairie. [Here's my version if I was writing this opening sentence: Once upon a time a young man named Jacob lived in a small village on a prairie.]

He had few personal needs and [build][built] himself a little lean-to that let in more of the outdoors than it kept out.[Use past tense]

"However, the couple never noticed the stir they caused."[What kind of stir did Jacob and Hannah caused in the community? Would kindness and generosity towards the helpless and the poor neighbors cause a "stir?" Or perhaps their closeness to each other is not the norm in their culture? Demonstrate this.]

"...Then disaster struck. The country declared war and the small city sat right in the middle of the fighting."[Declared war against who? Another country or against its own people? Rebels? Civil war? Expand this indicating what kind of war the country was involved in.]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. This is specially necessary when telling stories to children. Children like action and their span of attention is short. Must get them while their five minute attention is at its peak. After that, they're tone deaf.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I pointed out above, this manuscript can be expanded by dividing it into chapters. Lumping their life story into one short narrative does not justify the significance of their influence in the community. Take a closer look at each turning point from the cradle to the grave and mark each turning point as a chapter. You will find that there are more twists and turns to your story than meets the eye to make your children's story book shine and sparkle.

With that in mind, keep your pen moving and your keyboard clicking! It will be a rewarding journey for the aspiring writer in you.


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Review of Quark Soup  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Kotaro:

** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great imagination and creativity, Kotaro. But a rat as main ingredient in his soup? With all the pairs of the beasts of the world in Noah's Ark, why did he choose a rat? (Or, more astoundingly, why did you, the author, pick the rat instead of a chicken or a lamb or something acceptable for human consumption?) I know the answer to that. You wanted a shocking twists to your story!*Chicken* *Rabbit* *Cow* *FishO* *Smile*

Also, you need to explain how Professor Loh's assistant know how to read and understand
"wedge-shaped cuneiform writing" so the reader doesn't feel cheated. Perhaps you can include who those archeologists are, such as their nationalities and their background in dead languages, hieroglyphics and such.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, this short story is well-written, although the long quotation on the written tablet can use tightening as it sounds too made up. Make it sound authentic and credible.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and moves the story along.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Like Professor Loh, I was also disgusted with the revelation of the main ingredient of the QuArt soup. Be that as it may, your take on the discovery of Noak's lost Ark is truly creative and original.

Great work, Kotaro. Keep writing. You have the knack with your imagination running wild. But please, make it less offensive the next time.*Smile*


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243
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Star:

** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Was this a dream or were you drunk? Why were you afraid of falling and not get up? I couldn't figure this out. Perhaps you need to set-up your introduction in a way that clarifies to the reader why you were at the park or how you got there. What was troubling you that made you run away from everybody and everything?

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

The few remaining white clouds were all being overtaken by the growing gray clouds [who][that] turned black after a while.[Replace "who" with "that"]

"...I was thrown backwards off my feet and onto the [ground..] I felt..."
[Two dots after "ground" could be a typo. If it is meant to be an ellipsis, make sure there are three dots for ellipsis always.]

“Who… What..?” [Same as above.]

I couldn’t say [an][a] word as I just sat there.[Replace "an" with "a"]

No [was no] rain, no sunlight, no trees, no nothing.[Delete]

I ran up the stairs of the [equipment] not bothering to look back and I continued to climb higher till I was at the top. [What did you mean by the "stairs of the equipment" in this scene? I'm kind of unclear how a park would have wild animals roaming around; albeit, at night time.

*Dialogue
Good employment of internal dialogue voicing your character's predicament. This is powerful. Now, it's up to the reader to conclude whether the narrator fell to his death, or, fell safely in the arms of a loved one. I'd prefer to believe that a safety net was there to catch him as he plunged down. Hallelujah!

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good work, Star. Keep writing. You have the knack. The more you write, the better you get.

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Review of The Hunter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, M.A. Gonzales:

** Image ID #2163177 Unavailable **

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Formatting is fine. It's easy to follow.

*Content
Kind of a slow starter but I'm following. At first, I wasn't sure if Ariel was a real person or a product of Eva's imagination. As the conversation progressed, I was convinced Ariel was a real character in the story.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Groaning, she came to her feet[,] her toes sinking into the thick motel carpet. [Insert comma.]

Being alone was a way of life and in truth it was the only way to keep herself safe she’d learned that the hard way.[Needs tightening by inserting punctuation marks in appropriate places for clarity and readability.]

“A eight hundred year old, fire singed spell sealed in blood and you can't interfere?” [An eight hundred year old...][Because this is a dialogue in quotes, I'll let you get away with it.]

Smirking[,] she folded her arms across her chest.[Insert comma.]

Quickly checking the bullets in the clip, she shoved the clip back up and cocked the trusty weapon, which had saved her ass more then once. [than] [replace with proper syntax]

“I’ve had a [Watcher][watcher] there since we found out about this and she hasn’t been back.” [Use lower case]

Never one to be unprepared for anything[,]she slipped the automatics into her shoulder holster, a silver knife into its sheath at her waist, and a smaller silver blade into the sheath strapped around her thigh.[Insert comma]

“Not by choice.” She muttered. [“Not by choice,” she muttered.] [Attributions are part of the sentence. Use comma instead of period and use lower case for tagging.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. The story is in the dialogue as it puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your use of dialogue to tell the story. I'm following it closely as I put myself in the conversation. Now, I'm curious about Erik, the demigod. I want to know more about him. I'd like to turn the page to the next chapter.

Keep writing, M.A. Gonzales. You got the knack.

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245
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,brom21:
Celebrating you! Congratulations!

WDC SuperPower Reviewer's Raid is here. And I picked this piece to review. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Resisting temptation is always a challenge. I'm so pleased to see that Rick is overcoming the temptation to steal. He is coming out a better man because of his determination to overcome this nagging weakness that possessed him for however long it bound him. Good story, Brom.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

[six foot man][six-foot-man]

[It was New Year’s eve as he strolled through the aisles [and] looked over the items on the shelves.][Insert "and" to complete the sentence and eliminate awkwardness.]
 Also, in standard practice, New Year's Eve is written with first letters all in upper case.]

[“Calm down Rick, get control over yourself, you don’t have to do this," he said to himself as he fidgeted with his clammy hands.] [Fix typo]

[He jerked his head in both directions with a facial appearance that expressed pleaser and regret. ] [Did you mean, pleasure?]

[After eating breakfast[,] he left his house for work.][Insert comma]

[But now [in][for] the first time in my life I’ve conquered it!”][Replace "in" with "for"]

[On Rick’s day off[,] he did just that.][Insert comma for clarity and readability.

[ “8am,”] [According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: When you are not spelling out the times (eight o'clock; seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M.(8 A.M.; 9 A.M.)

[wide-eyed][compound word. Use dash.]

“A person could go to town [on][with] all that money.[Replace on with with.] [Missing close quotation marks.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of internal and external dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and helps the story move along.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
It took a lot of self-control and determination for Rick to finally resist temptation instead of yielding to it. Now that he is bound and determined to keep it that way, it will do him good to keep himself away from situations that awakens the weaker side of his psyche.


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246
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, S-J:

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Because it's month of June Raid day, as a member of WDC, I'm happy to read this story and give you a feedback showing active participation with fellow raiders.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

*Formatting
The appearance of your work should be eye-catching not a turn-off. When a reader sees that your submission is one whole blob with no heads or tails, the reader will walk away and move on. What I'm saying therefore is this: Observe proper formatting. This means use paragraphing. One idea for a paragraph. Transitions need to be separated by paragraphs, as well. It enhances readability and clarity.

That being said, I can not move on to *Content,*Mechanics
*Syntax, *Punctuation, *Dialogue and other tidbits like spelling and typos. This is difficult reading for me. I got to the fifth sentence and I can not go on. What I suggest is for you to revise this and present it in standard formatting.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you re-format this Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Please re-format this submission. I would gladly revisit it and give you a review. Also, I can not give you a fair and honest Rating as I have not read the story. The problem is that the system will not allow me to submit this without a rating. So, for now I'll give you a 3.5 Rating just so I can successfully send this out. Fair enough?

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247
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, amy:

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

It's Raid time again and I took the opportunity to visit your port to find materials for reviewing and offering my input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great opinion piece with educational, informative and inspirational value. It gives the writer a pathway to where his or her line of interest or expertise would be.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks, and other nitty-gritty grammar rules are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

As our plans to write progress[,] writers decide on what type of writing to do. [Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

[There only two general types of writing[-]fiction and non-fiction.]
[Consider replacing dash with colon. See if it looks preferable this way:
There only two general types of writing: fiction and non-fiction.]

Some, like me, want to make their money doing what they love. [Because you inserted yourself in this sentence, it will sound smoother if you say it this way: Some, like me, want to make our money doing what we love.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your conversational style of writing. It draws the readers close to you, which in effect, will make them listen to every word you're saying.


Best of luck on your writing endeavor, amy. Write away!


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248
248
Review of Finding Santa  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi L.A. Grawitch:
Celebrating you! Congratulations!

It's Raid time again and I took the privilege of visiting ports to find materials to review and offer my take-away. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This short story is beautifully presented in dialogue. Great lesson to teach children about Christmas and Santa Claus. I love how the story concluded.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks and other nitty-gritty grammar rules are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:
"Grace[,] what are you doing out of bed?...." [Insert comma]

"Okay[,] Grace, but what happens if we fall asleep in the closet and miss Santa?"[Insert comma]

" Sister of mine, you are a nut[Punctuation mark missing. Either an exclamation point or a period.] What is so special?..."

"...I just don't think Santa can do what you are asking"[Terminating punctuation mark is missing.]

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. As a reader, I was right there seeing a brother and sister, hearing their conversation, as they share their anticipation of Santa's arrival. Well done, L.A. Grawitch.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great piece. I love the way you injected the brother's ailment and how they resolved the issue. These two kids are grounded in their faith and trust in prayer to heal physical infirmities and illnesses. What a breath of fresh air!


Write away, L.A. Grawitch. You have the talent and the skill in crafting your story.


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249
249
Review of You are beautiful  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Hamsa:

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

It's Raid time and I'm visiting ports to find materials to read and review. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
First of all, follow standard formatting to make your narrative look readable and inviting. The reader will skip reading something that's straining to the eyes rather than entertaining. What I'm suggesting is to use indentions and line spacing when called for.

*Content
Something good can be gleaned from this narrative once it's edited, proofread, and tightened for clarity and readability.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for tightening and clarity:

"She can't do anything like men and she isn't less clever".

"A rose can never be a sun flower and a sun flower can never be a rose, All flowers are beautiful in their own way and that's like women too".

Use of Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: Typographical standard in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Although this rule is widely violated, it is worth pointing it out.

[Imagine..That natrualfeeling could become a challenge!][natural]

[These look like typos. From the above sentence, I'm not sure whether you're using an ellipsis or it's just a typo to put two periods after "Imagine." At any rate, let me point out what an ellipsis is to help you tighten your writing.

Use of ellipsis: Ellipsis points and suspension points are a punctuational devise composed of three spaced periods. They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. Ellipsis is also used to indicae that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

Spelling
unfourtantely [unfortunately]
[natrually ][naturally]
[infront ][in front]
[nomatter ][no matter ]
[previlige][privilege]
[miranda kerr][Miranda Kerr]
[dosen't][doesn't]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
If you're serious about your writing, do consider following conventional rules. Brush up on formatting, mechanics, punctuation marks, spelling, capitalizations, etcetera. Your sentence structures need reconstructing and polishing. I see capitalization of words that does not need capitalization. The way to improve your writing skills is to read more and pay close attention to how writers construct their sentences and paragraphs.

Also, have somebody read your work and ask for help. Then, take one last check before hitting SEND or POST. Two heads are better than one, as they say.

Keep writing, Hamsa. We all need to start from somewhere and you have taken this big leap to launch your interest in writing. Give yourself a pat on the back for your fortitude. Let that spirit live and thrive!

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250
250
Review of The Garden Calls  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Dance-Monkey:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

As you can see, it's month of May SuperPower Reviewer's Raid prompting me to visit your port and pick this piece to review and offer you my input.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. Snippets I cut and pasted are in italics.

Formatting
Your observance of standard formatting makes it easy for the reader to follow your line of thought.

*Content
I like the way you organized your thoughts to introduce the main subject which is your mother and her love for gardening.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:
Summer Saturdays are a precious commodity, irreplaceable treasures.
For subject-verb agreement, do one or the other:
[Summer Saturdays are precious commodities, irreplaceable treasures.]
[Summer Saturday is a precious commodity, an irreplaceable treasure.]

She is not dismayed by this dance that she does with her garden though, it is a simple two step; two steps this way and two steps back.

This is my revision suggestion:
She is not dismayed by this dance that she does with her garden though they are simple two steps: two steps this way and two steps back.

...she is in the throws of a grand finale
[For clarity and readability, did you mean throes?]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. It brought the experience close to the reader, making it pop and sparkle.

In this snippet: "They're amazing, mom", you can put mom in upper case Mom because you're addressing your mom. When you're referring to mom as "your/his/her/my/their" mom, then, it's lower case.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a beautiful observation you memorialized in black and white.
Keep writing, Dance-Monkey. You got the knack. The more you write, the better you will be.


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