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176
176
Review of GRIN & BEAR IT  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, DRSmith:

** Image ID #2187849 Unavailable **
April Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I couldn't wait to get to the punchline! Funny.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

“I hear there’s plenty of them in these here hills, so a bear it is.” [Is this intentional? If not, then, it would be, "in these hills" (Delete here]

I managed just fine when stumbling across a hungry bear catching fish in a steam.
[Did you mean "stream?"]

but I simply wrassled him down [Did you mean "wrestled?"]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the reader actively involved in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Ha ha ha. That's what he gets for imposing his theology on the contented bear who was minding his own business. Hilarious! I'm rolling on the floor laughing.

Write on! Make us laugh some more with your jokes.

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177
177
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Sailor M:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Sunday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review interesting. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Cute and entertaining story. The story is in the dialogue. This is a good example of making the story pop, dazzle and sizzle with the employment of dialogue.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

"Oh, a fair share," Johnny said. "10%?"

"20%," I countered.

A small pot, but I got my 20%.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will, therefore, be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

5) Percentages: In business, technical, and scientific contexts, use a numeral followed by the % symbol or the word percent: 34%; 56%.
In other contexts, the number and the word percent should be spelled out: thirty-five percent; forty percent, etc.

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Additionally, you have effectively involved the reader in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Delightfully entertaining story. I enjoyed it.

Write away, Sailor M. You got what it takes to be a writer.

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178
178
Review of The Wave  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Ruth:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Monday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I can understand your reluctance to join the group and your decision not to get on the boat and headed home instead. So many times we look back and say, "I could have" or "I should have." These are decisions we make that we cannot go back and change. So many factors influence our decisions. Because our life's journey goes one way and there's no turning back, at times, we can take a risk and face the challenge. At the end of the day, hopefully, we can say, "No regrets!"

Point of View (POV)
You started with Second person POV. Stick with it. Limit yourself to one Perspective Character per scene. That means no switching POV characters within the same scene, let alone within the same paragraph or sentence. We need to remind ourselves to avoid sliding into an Omniscient viewpoint.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

You hadn’t wanted this tidal wave to stop
A wave that had started at the Cambodian Vietnamese border. You’d found a taxi for the[ 4-hour] journey to the coast.


[I am not sure if you did this sentence this way intentionally or not. It sounds awkward and needs fixing.]

jewellery [jewelry] [spelling]

You agreed to go the long way around [that][where] they wanted to go so they could eat crabs on the way to the beach,

I noticed you have the habit of using a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence. Try to fix this and make your narrative hum.

And there are quite a few skirmishes in your over-all mechanics like the following examples:
I wa fascinated,
I was so tempted to say yes, to forget my [fight[[flight?] the next day back to my life.

Presentation of numbers: Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

his early 60s feeling
What a joy at 53
If I was only 33 would have I gone.

Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out Ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

Uses of Italics Why are two-thirds of your work in italics? According to the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference, italics are used:
1) To call attention to a single letter or numeral
2) For foreign words or phrases that have yet to become a part of the English language
3) To emphasize a word or phrase within a sentence
4) For internal dialogue (instead of open and close quotation marks)
5) For titles of books or stories (as an alternative to open and close quotation marks).
6) The names of legal cases are italicized.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This story has potentials. What you need to do is revisit this and clean it up. Revise areas that may sound awkward and confusing. As in all writing, revision is the ticket to a story that readers can enjoy.

Keep writing, Ruth. You have potentials. You can do it.


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179
179
Review of Misguided Methods  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Laurie:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Saturday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great narration. The narrator sounds so real and credible. I am hooked. What a nightmare!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

First, let me say, I can see you have a British background in your writing style with the use of t instead of ed for past tense as shown below:
leapt [leaped]; as well as the use of an archaic spelling:magick [magic]

Moreover, you're helping me increase my vocabulary by introducing words and terms not often used in conventional writing such as the following:
insentience [inanimate; not capable of feeling]
homunculus [an artificially made dwarf; a diminutive human being]

Unfortunately[,] my injury slowed me down considerably, and I lost track of Lena.[Insert comma]

Usually[,] I wouldn't be concerned as others do not hold my gift, however[,] with her animus still so instinct with life, the laws of magick lie broken already.[Insert comma]

Thankfully[,] I left my laptop down here; if you are reading this, you now know my dire plight.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
I was going to talk you into trying to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other, but your conversational style of writing makes your story move. So, I'm going to leave it as it is.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your conversational style and voice. Though I am not a fan of horror stories, I like the way you presented this fantastic scenario. Keep writing, Laurie.


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180
180
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Michael:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Friday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review interesting. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a dream! What a dream! It's amazing how our subconscious state can create a world of the unknown such as Maia's dream. Imagine if it was real! This mystifying encounter is far out, indeed. I like the way you organized and presented this fantasy.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

They were [a] [delete] [kidnappers.] What they had planned she did not know, and she was powerless to stop them unless she could find help. [Agreement of subject and predicate.]

I noticed nuances in spelling between American English and British English:

recognise [recognize]
artefacts [artifacts]
realising [realizing ]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue cuts the monotony of plain narrative and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. In this story, if the rhino cannot talk, perhaps, you can employ internal dialogue where Maia talks to herself silently and vocally when called for in certain scenarios.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a mystifying and horrific story you created. It grips the reader and keeps him/her to the ending.

Write away, MichaelH. You have the knack.


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181
181
Review of Life of Anna  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Luna:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Friday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
I cannot determine whether this story is Fiction or Non-Fiction. It's sort of mixing up reality and imagination in your presentation of scenes.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability:

You ot to be, [Did you mean "ought?" [Misspelling]

*Dialogue
I see you're employing dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. What is missing here is the application of punctuation marks to clarify who is talking. I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. All your direct quotes should be in open and close quotation marks for clarity and readability. Additionally, start a new paragraph for each speaker for clarity and readability.

Point of View
Limit yourself to one Perspective Character per scene, preferably per chapter, ideally per book.That means no switching POV characters within the same scene, let alone within the same paragraph or sentence.
We need to remind ourselves to avoid sliding into an Omniscient viewpoint.
First person POV: the perspective character tells the story. {I am writing a story about myself}

Second person POV: (Uses “you”, “your” construction and the narrator makes “you,” the reader, become the protagonist. (More popular in non-fiction; rare in fiction.)

Third person POV: Most common in storytelling – third person. The story is about he or she/him or her, or the character is mentioned by name.

Third Person Omniscient: The story is still about he or she, but the narrator writes from the all-knowing, all-seeing perspective and is not even limited by time.
These are the recommendations I can offer you this time. As I pointed at the outset, formatting your manuscript for readability and clarity is paramount. This can be fixed and resolved as you keep on writing, as well as, reading works of authors who have proven themselves in their writing craftsmanship. Below is a snippet I cut and pasted to show you what I'm referring to: Are you talking about the same person or two different individuals?

***********
...By the time I made it to my door, the hours have passed by. I opened the door and slugged myself across the empty room then, plopped myself backwards on to the bed. I was drenched in sweat.

Staring off into space, she loses herself in the vast empty void. Floating endlessly into the deep abyss she disappeared. Waiting for someone to come a rescue her.

************
*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This first chapter has a potential to hook your reader with clean-up and polishing. This is especially true in the area of dialogue.

Keep writing, Luna. Go back and revise where areas need revising. It's hard work and time-consuming, but, it's worth your effort. Revising is what writing is all about.
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182
182
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, StoryMistress:

"If you can't rate it honestly, then don't rate it at all."
(I copied this quote from the above article because I want to make a comment on it.)

The rating choices do not include a box not to rate. If I skip filling the blank, an error flashes telling me I have not entered a rating and it will not let me proceed. There's no additional box to choose from for skipping a rating.

As a reviewer, I am turned off when I see manuscripts posted raw. The content might be good with great potential but I refuse to spend time reading it. Seems like the author is punishing the reviewer instead of offering work worthy of my time as no effort was shown in observing proper format and proofreading.

Additionally, as a reader, I read for enjoyment and entertainment. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously.
Now the problem is, the author will be upset if I give a low rating because I have not read the script.
"How can you rate my work when you have not read it?" Is the response I received from one who was upset that I gave his work a "Needs work" rating. Subsequently, I made it a point to explain why.
This happens when I see a whole page of manuscript in one blurb. The author plops his draft raw: not observing proper formatting.

I guess what I am saying is: Shouldn't there be another box, probably marked "Other" to handle complications like this?
183
183
Review of Machine Learning  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Irised:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green (when applicable).

Formatting
The way your manuscript is formatted, it is taxing to the reader to read in fine print. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. To be reader-friendly, inviting, and enjoying use the standard 12-point type; serif font; and the most common choice is Times Roman/Double-space manuscript.

*Content
Let me get to the elements of a Short Story right off the bat since you presented this as such.

A Short Story must have these parts to be considered one: Theme (plot); Setting (where); Characters - Who is your protagonist/antagonist - show conflict); Point of View (POV); Climax and Resolution. Simply, a short story needs a beginning, middle, and end.

Point of View
It's impressive how you maintained a single Point of View all throughout this presentation.

Here you used the Third Person Omniscient from beginning to end. The story is about Eros, and the narrator writes from the all-knowing, all-seeing perspective. Great job, Irised.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks are concerned, you have a good command of the written language. I see no spelling skirmishes or typos that made me pause or raise my eyebrow.

*Dialogue
What I would have preferred to see are some back-and-forth conversations between Eros and someone who has caught his eye. Employing dialogue showing your character's interaction with each other would make your story pop, dazzle, and sizzle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great job, Irised. Keep writing.

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184
184
Review of The Fever Tree  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Pony Tale:
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You created a fantastic, horrifying, and far out story that gave me goosebumps. What a nightmare! Good organization, presentation, and style.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability in observance of conventional writing rules:

Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks:
“Koors”. ["Koors."]
“Fever”. ["Fever."]

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm merely pointing this out for what its' worth as I am aware you have the British style of writing.

Words I'm not familiar with. I had to consult the dictionary for their meaning , which helps increase my vocabulary:
baobabs
swarthy
ariose
nankeen
veldt
arpeggio
portentous
euphony
mellifluous
hirsute
cantabile

Nuances in spelling between American and British:
leapt [leaped]
tremolos [tremulous]

Were they beast or human[,] I wondered[,] as twinkling eyes flickered through the burning embers.[Insert comma]

...he said something in his native tongue while his fingers flew into the air, painting a scene with wild gestures which I could not understand.[This is a missed opportunity to create a foreign word to add uniqueness and bewilderment for the reader to ponder on.]

Without thinking[,] I inhaled a deep breath, [insert comma]

*Dialogue
I see you employed a certain amount of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues do break the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Get your reader to react and get involved in the action keeping his/her interest till the end of the story. This is good. Show more of it.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away and recommendations:
Incorporate your footnote somewhere in the story and chose the simple word over the complicated one. It makes for easy and enjoyable reading.

Write away, Pony Tale. I'm sure you have more creative tales to tell.

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185
185
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,PureSciFi:
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Tuesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
How tragic for Lollian to be taken by the storm never to be seen again. Kind of reminds me somewhat of the movie Cocoon, remember? They were taken up and poof! They're gone for good.

Lollian looked like he was talking to himself. But he wasn’t. He was standing in front a Moving Image Monitor. The Moving Image Monitor was sitting on a Tall Table. And on that Monitor was Lollian.
It's kind of curious to me why you say that Lollian was not talking to himself because you pointed out that Lollian was on the Moving Image Monitor. It's a little bit awkward and confusing. You might want to tweak this scenario a tad if you intended to show that Lollian was talking to someone other than himself.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

A lot of people [thing][think] I’m crazy.[I have a strong suspicion that this typo is the result of auto-spellcheck. I dislike this feature with a passion.]

Lollian [Looked][looked] a lot different.[Change to lower case]

As soon as it did[,] Lollian hit a button on his chest.[Insert comma]

When it did[,] Lollian went flying into the air.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a tragic ending. But with that question mark you ended this story with, I can see this is just a sliver of a bigger and broader story. Keep it going. You have aroused my curiosity.

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186
186
for entry "March 23, 2019
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So, are you back today to resume blogging? So happy to see you back, Chris. What a wonderful news to see you back in the swing of things.

The last four days have been difficult for me to handle my daily chores too because of the tragic passing of my firstborn grandson early Wednesday morning. I didn't find the time to read my daily devotionals having this interruption.

Obviously, I am happy to see your blog right now. If you need me to cover for you again, just let me know. This interruption in my life and my family should pass eventually.

Welcome back. God bless you and keep you safe and secure in his love, mercy and grace.
187
187
Review of The Smart Qias.  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,fathima:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Thursday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

*Content
There is a potential for this story to pop and shine if you observe proper formatting and do serious revision.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:
their [their] [It pays to take a last look for typos before posting your work.]

Qias[,] the son of the great merchant Huba was 14-years old[fourteen-years old].[Insert commas and replace numerics with words for ages.]

Proper names (nouns) show always have the first letter in upper case in formal writing.
[But qias survived.[Qias]
sihaara village [Sihaara]

Presentation of Numbers
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference has to say about the presentation of numbers.

Two easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.
3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other, especially when you're writing stories for children. A child's span of interest is very short. To be entertained, you, the author, must encapsulate their attention by employing dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I suggests you take another look at this story and make significant revisions to capture a child's imagination and to keep their interest to the very end.

Go ahead and revise this work. In addition, keep writing, paying close attention to what I have pointed out here. Make your story shine, pop, sizzle, and dazzle.


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Review of The Rebirth  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Charles:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Monday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I love your imaginary characters and the world you created for them to dwell in and rule. Your descriptions are far out that only a creative mind such as yours can make up. The only drawback I can see is that, for now, it's a strictly telling narrative. Perhaps, you can show more actions to keep your reader's interest to the end.

One way to keep the reader's interest may be is to highlight the arrival of this unusual baby as an opening salvo and then, do flashbacks. Just a thought.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

“Such unfortunate, barbaric beings,” [Shaking][shaking] his head, he stated. “So young in their [civilisations,][civilizations] they still have not learned to find strength in their own differences.” [change to lower case][Nuance in spelling: Standard American English compared to British English]

in the form of a [purr like][purr-like] laugh.[Compound word]

the [fire ball][fireball] barely missed him.[Fireball is one word]

[bat like wings] [bat-like wings][Compound word]

His curiosity was [peaked][piqued][Syntax]

[mesmerised] [mesmerized ][Misspelling]

[Turing to the deceased old woman,] [Turning to the deceased old woman,] [Typo?]

*Dialogue
I see you employed a certain amount of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues do break the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Get your reader to react and get involved in the action keeping his/her interest till the end of the story. This is good. Show more of it.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Take advantage of an opportunity to engage your characters in a conversation that reveals what's happening to make the story move along.

Write away, Charles. You're on your way to becoming a writer with flair.


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189
189
Review of The Fairy's Hovel  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, W.D.:
Power signature for March raid
March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to the Read and Review pages and found your contribution, "The Fairy's Hovel" smiling at me. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Cute, delightful and entertaining take on humanzing other living beings, such as fairies. Only a creative mind can build imagery such as you can concoct. Nicely done.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I cannot find any skirmish or violations to pick on. In fact, even your spelling of "Yezzz" is totally creative and original. I like it.

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. The story and actions are in the conversation.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Brilliantly and cleverly presented, W. D. I can see you know your craft and you're a pro.

Write as only you can muster to delight and entertain.


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190
190
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Angus:

Power signature for March raid
Because eyestar highlighted this in her greetings this morning, I'm challenged to read and offer my penny's worth, right? So, here it comes...

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great style and voice. I love how the story is built from beginning to end. That pink fluffy unicorn came to life after so much twists and turns to prepare Rory for what lies ahead.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Why are there pink fluffy unicorns in [me] Lucky Charms? he wondered. [If this is how he talks, I'm not going to make a correction to "my"; but, if this is a typo, then, it should be changed, right?]

My birthday! he thought. How could I have forgotten it was [me] birthday? [Okay. Now I see. It's really the way he talks.]

When Rory was discovered several hours later, he was quickly rushed to a hospital, where he happily lived out the rest of his days eating Lucky Charms cereal,
[This sounds to me as though he lived out the rest of his life at the hospital...want to tweak this part a tad to show he did get back home? I think "and" would be better to use than "where." What do you think?]

*Dialogue
Great employment of internal dialogue. I like the way you italicized his thoughts, which is more preferred than open and close quotes.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
It's delightful reading with twists and turns that made it suspenseful and entertaining. Love your style and voice, Angus. I should give you a Perfect rating except for that last paragraph that gave me a pause...*Shamrock*

Write as only you could!


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Review of The Recent One  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Chris:
Power signature for March raid

March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
The way your manuscript is formatted, it is taxing to the reader to read one whole blurb. Setting no paragraphing and transitions from one idea to the next is onerous and a turn off. Be considerate with your readers and reviewers by making it easy and enjoyable to read your work.

Following general rules to make Layout and look professional, here are pointers for future reference:
Use 12-point type
Use a serif font; the most common choice is Times Roman/Double space manuscript
No extra space between paragraphs
Only one space between sentences
Indent each paragraph half an inch (setting a tab, not using several spaces
Text should be flush right and ragged right, not justified
If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line
Black text on a white background only
One-inch margins (the default in Word)
Create a header with the title followed by your last name, and the page number. The header should appear on each page after the title page.

Caveat: For the limited scope of formatting in this forum, you don't have to observe all these in to-to. The important consideration here is paragraphing for clarity and readability to make our writing reader-friendly, inviting, and enjoying.

*Content
This is a wonderful and beautiful homage you paid to your grandfather. He has guided you and molded you and your acknowledgment of his presence in your life is worth noting and celebrating. He must be smiling up there, wherever he is, cheering you for your heart of gold, knowing that his efforts were not in vain. On the other hand, they brought fruit that any grandfather can be proud of.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

...when i was between the ages of 4-6 when my mom, dad, and i didnt have anywhere to go...[The word I should always be in caps.]

UofM [U of Michigan?][Before using abbreviations or acronyms, identify them first; then, you can refer back to them in acronyms.]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take awayWhat a wonderful tribute you expressed in honor of your beloved and adored grandfather. Thank you for sharing. God will bless you for your beautiful and thankful heart.

Keep writing, Chris.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Chris:
Power signature for March raid
It's March Raid! So, I'm raiding your port.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Indeed. When we take our focus away from the author and finisher of our faith, we stumble and fall. This story about Peter looking away from Jesus is a great illustration why and how we fail.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

Jesus spoke to them at once and said "Courage!" [he said, "]It is I. Don't be afraid." [Delete. Unnecessary.]

When we take our eyes off [off] Jesus we have to depend on ourselves. [Replace with of]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author, making the reader an active participant in the action, conversation and drama.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Keep writing, Chris. You're good for it.


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193
193
Review of To fly a dragon.  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Brooklyn:

Power signature for March raid
March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Cute story. Fantastic imagery wrapped into the writer's creative mind. I just didn't understand why anyone would allow a disabled 12-year-old to stay outdoors at night in the middle of winter - to think that they have a home nearby and a concerned mother. To top that off, Andrea was aided by an oxygen tank to help her breathe.

Perhaps this scene needs a little tweaking to make it believable and nobody can suspend their unbelief!

Aside from this part, my interest was held until the end.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

The grass in these hills looked like daggers, though[they] couldn't cut the legs of a fly.[Insert]

Made sense, now that her favorite older brother[, Mathew ,]had left.[Enclose the proper name in parenthesis if the sentence is complete without it.]

Creatures [that][delete] varied from shades of blue[,][insert] so dark they looked black, bright shades of yellow that could distort your vision, powerful reds that filled their victims with fear, and even camouflage in the rare, smaller species.

[Twelve year old][Twelve-year-old]
In presentation of numbers, such as in age in the above here, ages (of persons) except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

An hour [past][passed] as Mikey and Andrea continued on,[syntax]

Another hour past.[Another hour passed.][Replace]

Out of no where [nowhere is one word][ Replace.]

Like a curious animal.[Fragment. Revise.]

and his front fangs were pointed outward rather than curved like a snakes. [Possessive. snake's]

this dragon couldn't have been any older than a young adult just hardly coming out of his [adolescents.][adolescence] [Replace]

but [too][to] an eight year old like her[,] the beast was more dangerous than any mountain lion or wild dog. [Replace][Insert comma]

"I wonder...."
[Use of Ellipsis: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.)
Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

[Somehow being the cooler atmosphere, high above all the dust and dirt below, it was easy to breath fresh air without the oxygen.] [This is inconsistent with the the beginning of the story where Andrea and her brother were cold and shivering from the snow covering the ground..."They got too caught up in their fun, and didn't notice the deadly cold dropping in until Andrea was hardly able to breath and snow began falling. In an instant, the mood changed. The two siblings and their dogs went from chasing little flying lights with jars, to huddling beneath a shelter of old pines. Moby lay next to Andrea to keep her warm. Mikey curled up in his sisters lap. Poppy was only a small puppy at the time, but still tried to help by lying over his human's feet.

An hour went by. Snow fall soon turned to an ice storm. Mom hollered for them in the distance for half an hour, though the two siblings were so cold and lost in the night they couldn't move."


Am I missing something here?

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make the story pop, sizzle and dazzle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
There are a couple areas I would work on for consistency and credibility as I pointed out. All in all, it is an entertaining and delightful story about children and for children.

Write away, Brooklyn. You're good for it.

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194
194
Review of A fairy family  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Maria:
Power signature for March raid
March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Your story has a potential to shine if you do a lot of polishing with your spelling and punctuation marks. I like the tension and conflict you created with a disobedient child who came to her senses by apologizing at the end. You lost me, though, when you referenced "Clim" for the first time towards the end of the story. Is "Clim" Caelum? If so, show it as his nickname so the reader doesn't go back looking for who Clim is.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Did she [went][go] looking for you? [Because this is part of a direct quote, it's not necessary to correct the tense in this sentence, if it was your intention to demonstrate the way someone talks. Otherwise, grammarly, replace went with go.]

“Do not worry. Dear Petra, remember some have a [though][tough] time growing up. She’ll turn just fine[.]” [Correct spelling and put terminating period at the end of the sentence.]

“I don’t want her to be marked[.]”
“She wont[.]”
[You have a habit of omitting terminating period at the end of a sentence as these sentences show.]

She is [trowing][throwing] little rocks at a little boy’s head.[Correct your spelling.]

Every now and then the boy turns around and [trows][throws] rocks back at the forest.[Correct your spelling.]

“Avani[,]” Caelum says with a deep voice.[Insert comma.]

I start to throw rocks to bother them and make them go away but one of [theme trows][them throws] back at me! [Fix misspellings]

“Yes, father[,]” she looks down.[Insert comma]

“You had your mother worried[.]” [Put terminating period at the end of the sentence.]

“I’m sorry mother[,]” Petra frowns and looks at Caelum.[Insert comma]

“Clim. We are going home[.]” Avani looks up and smiles at him as he positions her on his shoulders.[Terminating period]

“You would do the gardening all week for three weeks[,]” Petra says angrily[.] [Apply punctuation marks where I inserted them.]

“Yes, mother[,]” Avani says but is distracted by some of the butterflies that are passing by. Petra gets close to Caelum’s ear[.]

“Something is not normal about her[,]” [she] whispers.[Change to lower case to complete the sentence.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. What is missing in this area is the application of correct punctuation marks. I suggests you take a refresher course in Writing 101 and pay close attention to writing mechanics.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good to see you're trying your hand in writing. Keep writing. In addition, read other written exercises to enhance your own potential and hone your skills.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,The Writer:
Power signature for March raid
March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You've demonstrated a good command of the written word. You express yourself well.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I've only gotten to the third paragraph and I notice minor violations here and there. Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

...determination and creativity [in order] to succeed.[Delete wordiness]

Nevertheless, as time passed[,] the art of writing became an integral part of our daily life as it coincided with the progress of literacy.[Insert comma]

Those who can write well[, more] often than not,] get the advantage [Insert commas and missing adjective]

Modesty aside, my colleagues and officers appreciate the quality of my paper work[;] hence[,] I've earned the reputation as the guy in our organization who can write well. [Insert punctuation marks as indicated]

In the process[,] I've done a lot of reading and practice writing.[Insert comma]

The first sentence of your second paragraph contains a direct quote. You can use either open and close quotation marks or italics but not both.

...I must admit that [what] it's not an easy path.[Delete]

...I would be[a] hypocrite if I say that I don't crave for recognition and payment.[Insert]

Every writer[,] whether they're humble or noble at one point in their life[,] has desired to be recognized and appreciated by their readers.[Insert commas.]

*Dialogue
Not applicable in this exercise, inasmuch as, this is an essay.

*Disclaimer
I am going to stop proofreading and editing after the third paragraph. Suffice it to say that you need to take a second look at punctuation marks (from beginning to end of this exercise) as I pointed out in the snippets I cut and pasted.

I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You're doing a great job in your love for writing. Accept reading and writing critiques' suggestions and recommendations. We are here to help each other hone our skills. Hopefully, our work can get the attention of an agent, an editor, or a publisher.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris:

March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.
Power signature for March raid
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I like your enlightening and edifying messages, Chris. They keep us humble and on our toes constantly.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

James discusses how faith works when he says[,] "My friends what good is it for one of you to say that you have faith if your actions do not prove it? Can that faith save you?Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don't have enough to eat. What good is there in saying to them, "God bless you! Keep warm and eat well!"
[Separate the narrative from the direct quotation with a comma.]

if you don't give them the necessities of life[>][Minor typo: replace with period.]

Often[,]when we are praying for things[,] we miss out on getting them because we expect God to simply dump them in our laps[,][.] Jesus [aid][said,] "I assure you that if you have faith as big as a mustard seed you could say to this hill[,] "Go from here to there!" and it will go. You could do anything[,][.]" [Replace comma with period and correct the typo]

[he] climbed up in the tree and prayed that [god] would save him. [Typo: He God]

In a while [some body] came by in a row boat and asked him to get in.[Typo: somebody is one word in the context of this sentence.]

Next[,] a bass boat came by and he again refused to go with them.[Insert comma]

At last[,] a helicopter came by and dropped a rescue harness. [Insert comma.]

Again[,] he refused[,] saying[,] God would save him. [Insert commas. Reading this sentence aloud can demonstrate why commas as necessary.]

He asked God why God had not saved him and God said[,] "I sent a row boat, a bass boat, and a helicopter. [Insert comma to separate the narrative from the direct quotation.]

Folks[,] God is willing to help those who are willing to help themselves. [Insert comma.]

[By the way: I was taught to always capitalize the "g" in God when referring to our one and only true God. Just thought I'll throw that in because you missed that one in the fourth paragraph, third sentence.

*Dialogue
Good employment of direct quotations from the Scriptures to show Jesus interacting with his disciples in this sermon.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like the way you presented the subject of faith and works: how they are related to each other. The basic principle we learned from the gospel is this: God helps those who help themselves. It is true for all ages.

Thanks for sharing, Chris. God bless your ministry here with WdC.

Write away!


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Review of Doubt  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris:

March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.
Power signature for March raid
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a great exposition in your admission to having self-doubt, which nobody can deny besets us in our daily walk and interaction with the world outside. Indeed, we find comfort and consolation in knowing that nobody is exempt nor immune from these fears of failing and not measuring up to our full potential.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

William Shakespeare said[,] “Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” [Insert comma]

I have come to realize[,] however[,] that for me[,] personally[,] there is a cure for my doubt. [Insert comma.]

The God I serve does not go around twisting anybody’s arm saying[,] “Believe in me or I will do this, this, or that.”[Insert comma to separate the narrative from the direct quotation.]

Their need would[be] nearly palpable but I would keep my mouth shut for fear they would see right through me and know that I was just as guilty of wrong doing as they were.[Insert]

When I do[,] I merely ask my Father to forgive me, try not to make the same mistakes, and move forward.[Insert comma]

When I do have doubts[,] the Spirit of God urges me to go ahead and proclaim the gospel and to allow Him to worry about whether or not I stumble and look foolish.[Insert comma]

If I allow the world’s mistaken beliefs[to] stop me from proclaiming the gospel[,] I allow Satan to win. [Insert preposition and comma]

*Dialogue
No necessary in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
We all have the tendency to doubt just as doubting Thomas did; but, God's word will strengthen our faith as we read and pray everyday.

Thanks for sharing, Chris. God bless you and your Christian writing ministry here at WdC, as well as, your ministry in your local church.

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Review of Why Gamble?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris:

Power signature for March raid
March Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Setting no paragraphing and transitions from one idea to the next is taxing to the reader and a turn off. For purposes of our submissions, we don't have to follow standard rules in formatting in to to, as we're not into publishing yet; but, for purposes of clarity and readability, here are a few rules we need to apply in our writing to enhance enjoyment for our readers:
*Make short paragraphs with one idea per paragraph
*No extra space between paragraphs
*Only one space between sentences
*If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line.(Some published writers suggests double spacing between paragraphs.)

*Content
I like your conversation with George and your explanation of the reality of what hell is. When you offered him an alternative to hell, he declined. The only explanation for his refusal, albeit left unsaid in this conversation, is pride and self-centeredness inherent to human nature. The risk he is taking is imputed to himself nobody else. You have done your part and the rest is up to God to touch his heart. At least, you have planted the seed and that's all that's required of you as the servant of the most high God.

I am in awe at this unexplainable paradox: One burns alone forever and worms crawl over and through one's burning flesh. How can one burn and remain alive?

It's going to remain a mystery until we get there and see with our eyes, right? Because now we see through a glass darkly; now we know in part and we prophesy in part, but then, face to face: we will know as also we are known. That's as close as I can get to paraphrasing 1Cor 13:9-12.

*Dialogue
Not necessary in this essay.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I am pleased to see that you are faithful in your calling as a minister in person, as well as, in this writing venue.

Thank you for sharing your nuggets of wisdom taken from the Scriptures.
Keep up the good work, Chris. You're it!



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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris:
Power signature for March raid
It's March Raid, so, here I am raiding your port!

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Thank you for expounding on the value of thankfulness for everything and anything we receive and blessed with everyday. So many a time, we take things for granted and go on with our lives freely and nonchalantly, forgetting to acknowledge heavenly gifts and graces we do not deserve to have.

Here's the lyrics of a song that keeps ringing in my ears regarding thankfulness:
"There is so much for which to be thankful;
There are gifts of abundance each day;
So we thank Thee, dear Lord, for Thy mercy;
There is so much, along life's way!"

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Now[,] leprosy may not seem like that big of a deal to us who live in an age where leprosy is curable, but 2,000 years ago[,] leprosy was serious.[Insert comma]

Sure[,] God could have cured the lepers[,] but God chose not to do so.[Insert comma]

Instead[,] He ordered [the][them] isolated. [Insert comma and replace the with them.]

One day[,] Jesus encountered ten lepers.[Insert comma]

However[,] the foreigner among the ten recognized Jesus for who He truly was.[Insert comma]

What remains[,] though[,] is that of the ten men cured, only one recognized Jesus as the Messiah and Son of God. [Insert comma]

*Dialogue
No necessary in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for being the voice in this forum to remind us to express our gratitude for the gifts we receive everyday. It's spreading precious seeds in our early morning walk as we wake everybody up to another wonderful day ahead!

Keep your inspirational sermonettes coming, Chris.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, WakeUpAndLive:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday morning. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a horrific way to lose ones' life. I hope no one will ever go through the ordeal he went through all for the sake of a thousand lousy dollars!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability pursuant to standard American usage:

“This is a scientific experiment”, he explained.
[Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.]

I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. Pay close attention to the squiggles when working on quotations.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and moves the story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I see good presentation, description and organization. Keep writing. You have what it takes to deliver your written product.


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