Greetings Katishii !
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by GERVIC
and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This review is in response to your Review Request. I'd like to thank you for choosing me as one of your reviewers of this piece. The details you added with your request was what urged me to read and give your piece a review. Before I will lay out my thoughts about your magnificent writing, I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to Writing.com! I am happy to see you here and started sharing your piece of art.
END THE VIOLENCE is something! It has this awesome drag that tickles reader's curiosity. We are surrounded with violence. It's growing and needs to be ended. Good job in choosing your title.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I love the way how your writing goes. Every word and every line tells us something. The use of short and succinct lines make this piece easy to read. The meaning it conveys put me to ponder about life, about improper governance, the wrong doings of people, and how to end it all. I agree with you that it is indeed the time to end the cycle of pain. We have to live in peace and harmony - life free from harm, from inequality, from bullies and violence. Without these, life would be perfect and worth living. Thank you for the wonderful message.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter:
I love the perfect AAAAAAAAAAAA-BBBBBBBBBBBBB rhyming scheme. How did you do that? I'm impressed.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
Imagery is awesome! I can't see any vagueness of words you used here. I received the message from your writing clear as crystals and it's great.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
There seems to be something wrong with these lines:
In line, "Sometimes I feel like the world[s] got us all secretly restrained", world with no s.
In line, "Like everything we have to feel we[']re forced to contain", we're.
In line, "The lives of everyone [everywhere have] aren’t meaningless or a game" I'd rather drop everywhere have to just give emphasis on the life of everyone.
In line, "What do we [as people] really stand to gain", I think as people is not necessary.
In line, "When If we all work together there is so much more we can attain", I think it's better to use If.
In line, "Things don’t have to be as bad as our leaders claim" you forgot to add apostrophe on leader's claim.
In line, "Some leaders [just trying to] only hold onto their own money, power, and fame", I think its best to drop just trying to and replace it with only hold onto.
In line, "Each of us [is] facing our own trouble and endgames", add is.
In line, "It's time to come together and stop hurting those who are different from each other with public shame", this is quite lengthy. Try, "It's time to gather to stop violence and public shame."
In line, "That happy feeling [of] something we all now occasionally have to feign".
All else is perfect!
Every word. It's a beautifully written piece worthy for an award.
I'd like to suggest the following:
Every day I wonder if people are [still] sane
Doing [They do] things that are hard to explain
Also, it would be better if you put punctuation marks and have these written in quatrain.
Please allow me to rewrite your piece with punctuation marks and the suggestions/corrections above.
Every day I wonder if people are still sane,
They do things that are hard to explain.
Sometimes, I feel like the world got us all secretly restrained
Like everything we have to feel we're forced to contain.
Until our futures have already been planned and ordained
That happy feeling of something we all now occasionally have to feign
To hide the sadness in our hearts and brains
Everywhere I look people’s souls have started to wane.
How much of this inhumanity must we all sustain?
What do we really stand to gain?
If we all work together there is so much more we can attain.
It’s time to end this cycle of pain.
It’s never the time to place hate or blame,
Otherwise everywhere the world will go up in flame.
The lives of everyone aren’t meaningless or a game,
Peace and harmony between all should always be our aim.
Things don’t have to be as bad as our leader's claim.
Some leaders only hold onto their own money, power, and fame.
This vicious bloody cycle that divides us all is lame,
Repeated throughout history by countless names.
Each of us is facing our own trouble and endgames,
It's time to gather to stop violence and public shame.
Those are things that by now we should have all overcame.
FOR WE ARE ALL HUMAN, ONE, AND THE SAME.
This is a magnificent piece, I tell you. The message is powerful. It's one of a kind piece that everyone must read. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review this piece. I enjoyed doing it and I hope to see more writings from you. Keep your creative juice flowing and keep inspiring others. Write on!