I really liked what you had to say in this poem. It was greatly felt through the piece and I agree with what you are saying here.
The only thing that bothered me was the lack of punctuation. For instance:
"Remember if you fall get back up" flows much easier with a comma after "fall"
But I'm a punctuation freak. So it is merely my opinion. I realize this is free verse and I do like the format you chose.
Haha...I loved this. It's so true. Some mornings I feel I need an IV drip of the stuff.
A nice poem. I can only suggest that you look at the punctuation and capitalization. Some stanzas end in commas and the next line starts out capitalized and some are not.
I would tighten it up and make it more uniform...but that is just my opinion.
While I truly like what you are saying here, I have to say that for me, I feel the use of "and" is well overused.
This is only my opinion as a reader. But I feel like this work could benefit from tightening it up a bit by looking for easier ways to bring it together with fewer uses of the word.
For instance, Starting with the 12 stanza, the use of "and" is only used 1 time very appropriately. Most of the others could be deleted, making the stanzas flow more smoothly.
They fill more like filler words apposed to needed words.
This is strictly my opinion and hope it helps. I do like the story line very much.
I enjoyed reading this piece! I liked the imagery as well.
On the second stanza, you ended it with a period, then started the next with "and". You could replace the "and" with I or remove the period after "me".
First of all, I don't usually rate lyrics because it's just something I don't know enough about to allow for a fair review. But this one, I felt warranted some input.
I like the story within the lyrics. Everyone has been there and felt that. It's a part of life.
In the lyrics, your syllable count per line seems to jump around a lot, which causes the flow to totally throw me off. However, as I said before, I am not a great lyrics reviewer.
The tale progresses well and I understood where it was leading. I think if you went back through it and worked on tightening up the stanzas to follow a better pattern, this could be really awesome.
I hope this helps, and of course, I wish you the best.
This was an awesome, in depth poem. You followed the format you chose perfectly. I saw no grammatical errors, nor did I see any changes that I could suggest for this piece.
You picked a great song to write this from, and the flow was beautiful, as well as the imagery.
Wow! It's hard to find words to make this review. Not only is the imagery vivid and real...it stirs deep emotion for the writer and for the reader alike.
There is nothing in anyway that I would change. Your flow is right on, as well as your punctuation. I look forward to read more of your work!
I can't pretend to know the pain you were feeling when you wrote this.
Although I have some suggestions for this piece, it is probably one of those poems that was written straight from a broken heart that needs left alone to stand as written. A piece that you will back to in time, and make changes when the wounds aren't so fresh.
But since this is a review, here are my suggestions:
Saying goodbye to you
is something painful to do
it makes me want to cry,
scream,
drop to the floor and beg you to come back.
Just the thought of losing you
makes my mouth go dry,
my heart go cold.
But, saying goodbye to the life we've shared,
is better than never knowing you at all.
Sometimes fewer words say more, and other words seem unnecessary. Regardless, your pain comes across whether you make changes to this piece or not.
This was very well written and so full of meaning! It's a commitment that I want to make as well. I have come a long way in the past few years and lean on the Lord quite heavily at times.
I also agree that commitments are not something we want to break where resolutions are almost an expectation of failure.
The imagery produced through your words, were outstanding. I was riveted to your story and found myself hoping against the odds that the balloon would return.
It brought forth a new understanding of the wheels turning in a child's mind.
I loved the story and thought you did and excellent job on this piece. I found no errors, and I couldn't find a thing I would change.
All I can do is waiting for my angel...should be wait.
I struggled a bit throughout, but I know it's because you were writing from the heart. The fear came across clearly!
I'd just look at it again as a reader instead of a writer. There are places that words like "it has", could be changed to "it's" just to help with the flow. It's more naturally speaking.
This put chill bumps up and down both arms! What an enlighting poem.
I only have one real suggestion here. The very last line, "No" was their reply., seems to fit a bit better. But that's just my thoughts.
The fear was intense for me, especially since my son sleep walks.
Oh, that was my other thought, "Slept walk" I'm not sure on that one. I would think Sleep walked or slept walked. But the way it is written is past tense/presenst tense. You may want to re-look at that line.
Brian posted this as a must see in my guestbook. I'd have to agree.
I think everyone should take a moment to enjoy your short story, as I doubt there is one person who couldn't relate.
It put a smile on lips, that's for sure! The only thing I would suggest, is at the end.
Because, he only likes socks. I'd leave that off if you wanted everyone to bring him a towel. Why would they want to bring him something he doesn't like?
But that's just my two cents. You really wrote a cute short story!
How creative!
Write on!!!
Gina
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