Melisscious, your 300 words made me want to read more. I wanted to know more about what you saw and learned in British Columbia.
I'm questing why there was a question mark at the end of the following sentence:
They surmised, I’d traveled all over America and seen the Rockies there?
I'm not sure if the paragraph about Ron and Julie were necessary to convey your journey of change. Maybe answering some of those questions you asked in the fourth paragraph would have been better.
Overall, I think this would make a great beginning to a larger piece.
It's amazing what you have accomplished. I found your essay easy to read and full of intrinsic insight about how mental illness affects the person who bears it.
Your paper was well laid out although I'm not sure the divide between twenty years ago and now was actually needed.
RJLloyd, This is going to be my kind of story to read. (I, also, like psychological drama.) You have me hooded already because you didn't say Laura was actually the stalker or not. It'll be interesting to observe what goes on during a therapy session.
Out of curiosity, Was there a reason for having both main characters female?
This is a riveting scene. The vision of Tully being trapped in a cave flooded in my mind. The more I read the more the inkling of him being a vampire came into being. Although, I never considered him being dangerous until he was next to Avery.
The pace was slow. You might want to raise it a notch even though it might cut into your description of the surroundings.
The voice of your MC is good. I thought of someone with intelligence and understanding.
The ending was a cliffhanger. I want to know what the next scene is.
The storyline is fantastic. The fact that you put it in 1st person got me close to all James was doing. I did have some trouble reading it because of all the grammatical errors in it. I suggest you flesh it out a little more too.
Is this novel for a certain age group? Because of the way you wrote it, I wondering if it's a YA or middle-school.
There's an awful lot of telling in this chapter. Some is needed, of course, because it's the beginning. Still, for instance, the part [3rd paragraph] about George would probably read better if it showed George's laziness and his physical attributes instead of telling about them.
I like the political angle you have on this story. The idea of calling it Fair Nation is intriguing.
Overall, I like this story so far.
You may want to get rid of the flowery dialogue tags and just go with 'said' and 'asked'. This may create a need for more description but I think the flow of the story would be better.
Myles, you have a marvelous beginning here. Your setting of the stage and the characters are well-thought out. I liked the way you sneaked in a bit of backstory for Jake and Bill. I did notice something I have a tendency to do, get a little flowery with sentences using adverbs. Truth is I think some adverbs are okay but I know I use too many of them. You may be using too many as well.
For the type of prose that this piece is, I cannot find one thing wrong with it. Are you sure you are a newbie? Some may say that some of your sentences are too long. Some may want a name put on your character. Some may say the work is too cerebral.
The scene does well in describing Aina's typical day. It has potential. Your introduction to these four characters is well done.
I did have a hard time reading it because of grammatical errors though. What seems to be the most prevalent was commas missing where I naturally want to pause.
Example: "Uh huh he asks to try it so I give him a piece and he asked where it came from which I don't think you told me I said I'd find out and he said next time he's nearby he'll stop by and grab the info. Soo..."
After "Uh huh" there should be a comma. The "and" after piece should be eliminated and a new sentence started or a semicolon before the word, "and". After "came from" there should be a comma. A period after "me". A semicolon after "out". A comma after "nearby".
Still, I do assume this is a draft, and the grammatical corrections will come later.
I found this to move swiftly, which, of course, is what you want. I did have some minor problems following the story when the beast men were involved. It could be that I just haven't read enough in the fantasy genre, but maybe if you tighten it a little it would be easier to read. I did see one spelling error -- the word 'Creek' should be creak'. Other than that, I found nothing wrong spelling-wise or grammatically.
The story as a whole is a good one. You may want to rethink using the word Satanist because what you described isn't one. The term you used to get from the first scene to the next is a cliche. You might one to rethink that one too. There was only one grammatic error I found -- Your Kasha -- should be -- You're Kasha.
I really didn't understand what you were getting at with the Reflections at the end.
But like I said, the story is a good one in my opinion. I could picture the scenes in my head.
Remarkable. Unique. You kept my attention through the entire story. I'm thinking that the meaning is going to be different for each one who reads is and yet, in a strange way be the same. I like how you introduced the boats but made it clear that they weren't really a major point in the story, just a vessel of it. I'm wondering why you didn't explain a little more about Samantha's story of being stranded and what the main character's thoughts were about it.
You have a good beginning. Describing the main character's personality by showing natural tendencies as a baby is excellent. You may want to rethink about telling the reader about the tendencies to be loud being permanent and, instead, show it throughout your story. Also, saying that you're getting ahead of yourself may disrupt the line of thought a little too much for the reader.
Your grammar and spelling need to be looked at again. You used 'to' a couple of time where you should have used 'too'.
The sentence, "Unfortunately, for the teacher that is, for a group of 3 boys named Christopher, Camdon and Dike this meant pulling pranks on Mrs. Clarion.", reads oddly. You may want to rephrase it.
The grammar and spelling errors are minor, so don't fret too much about it.
This is a good flash piece. Your description of the beginning of the day brought the thought of a slope I know at Breckenridge, Colorado. You did a good job bringing the tension to its peak. Your description of the climax almost made me catch my breath, very well done.
I did find three grammar errors:
", it was my last chance to beat her and [get revenge her], [my sister that] ruined our family."
"The moments distraction is [to long],"
It was absolutely delightful. How often do we assume wrong? I hope you enter this into one of the flash fiction contests (recheck the word count though). This was one of those stories that was just begging to be told.
It is a beautiful short story. You kept it moving along, which was nice. I liked the comparison you did between color and canvas/painting.
Your theme about moments flowed through the piece well. I enjoyed the fifth paragraph about moments and how they develop and disappear.
The reaction you betray in the last paragraph was creative. A lot of color was used for it.
I found one typo. It's one I could have easily made too. The word, angles, should be angels'. I'm not sure, but you may want to reword the first part of that sentence.
It made me think more about what could be in the future, not only my own but for all of mankind. These two lines: The last of the living Watching plague spread, is contrary to the lines: But when the children
(Unaffected) Grow and forget.
This is alright, but confusing the way it is. Was this done deliberately?
I've never read a poem in this format before. It's interesting but a little difficult to read and still have the piece flow. Other that the unusual format, I found no grammatic or spelling errors.
You brought up several good points. For example, although experiences can be similar, each person's view of it is, at least, slightly different. Another instance is at the last of your piece where you state that we don't have to necessarily conform to the past and can, instead, make changes.
I saw places where commas would have been helpful, and would have made the piece more grammatically correct.
I found this piece very moving. I'm impressed with the metaphor, the ice lake and beneath it, you used to describe the effects of guilt and not forgiving oneself. The realization of learning and healing you incorporated was inspiring.
I found only one grammatic error:
"For far too long now, have I felt nothing but the melancholy, the longing for days gone by."
I believe the second phrase should be "I have felt nothing...". The way you have it written is read as a question instead of a statement.
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