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51
51
Review of Elementalist  
for entry "Chapter 1" 
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, bajuwa:

As I said, I was nudged onward by your prologue, and am now here with a few remarks about Chapter One.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

The first part of the chapter, the continuation of the scene from the prologue, is interesting, though I wonder why the female character, whom you seem to have set up as a person whose energies are attuned to water, would be so disoriented and frightened by what I perceive to be her immersion in the fast-flowing river into which she jumped at the end of the prologue. I trust you have reasons for this, and the mystery makes me want to know more.

The second part, where you introduce Tanith and her two male companions, is also interesting. I like her, and her friends seem worthy of further exploration, from my reader's perspective.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

That being said, I must say that this chapter, especially the second scene, is mostly exposition, without much in the way of forward motion of the story. I suggest that you wrap the information you need to relate into and around whatever incident you intend to occur next. Action is necessary to keep the reader interested while they get to know your characters and the world in which they live. Simply preparing for action and hinting about the action that is to come isn't really enough. Hints and foreshadowing are wonderful literary techniques, but they are an enhancement of immediacy, not a replacement for it. I suggest you bring the incident into the scene more quickly.

Also, as I noted about your prologue, there are mechanical issues that need to be addressed. Some like the "it's" usage, are the same things that I noticed in the earlier piece. There are others as well. You might want to have one of the CSFS editors (if not me, then one of the others) go over them with you.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Again, while the mechanical issues are important ones, they are minor compared to the things your story has going for it. You have created characters that inspire interest, and a milieu that will no doubt offer them challenges aplenty. Just move into the meat of the action, and you'll be on your way to a novel of which you can be proud.

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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52
52
Review of Elementalist  
for entry "Prologue" 
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This piece has a tense, suspenseful feel, and moves quickly. The female POV character is quite interesting, and her situation is intriguing. I like the story so far, and the ending of the scene definitely nudges me onward toward the next chapter.

There are numerous mechanical issues that need to be addressed, though. For example, several times you use "it's" as a possessive pronoun. "It's" is a contraction, short for "it is", while the correct possessive form of "it" is "its", without the apostrophe. There are other things, like verb tense agreement problems ("She looks down at the tiger cub lying in her arms." This sentence is in present tense, whereas the rest of the story is written in past tense.) and general language usage issues for which I could suggest alternatives.

I'd be happy to help you out with some editing, if you'd like. I'm one of the editors at the CSFS's "Invalid Item" , so if you'd like some help with editing your piece, please feel free to request my services there.

These issues are minor. Your story has the real things needed for compelling fiction: an interesting character in a tense, exciting situation, with mysteries aplenty to pull the reader along. Good work!

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

** Image ID #1735856 Unavailable **
53
53
Review of Moons of Hizara  
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

I like this inventive world you've imagined, here, Henry. The effects of the two moons on portions of the population is very intriguing. Zevin is a young man with an inquisitive mind, and you've given him a strong reason to desire knowledge of "the other side".

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

I found a single typo:

With a hard day’s work in the fields complete, the slow decent of the blue sphere above quickened Zevin’s heartbeat. This should probably be "descent" as in to sink lower, rather than "decent" as in commendable.

I know you only had 1,000 words to draw this picture, and you've done so very well. My suggestions, therefore, focus on the questions that occur to me that might need answering in an expanded version of the tale (a version which I sincerely hope you have planned).

1. You focus on the working class in this snippet. Are there others who are not so affected? Perhaps a ruling class which uses the moons' effects as a way of controlling the populace?

2. What is the actual cause of the deadly effect? Why are some affected by the blue and not by the red, while others are the opposite?

3. Is Zevin's mother one of those who actually made the crossing? If so, was she a scientist, or an empiricist of some kind? Zevin has her disappearance as a motive for dwelling on the way of his world; what was her motive? Why would she make such a deadly attempt without leaving behind records of her work, so that others might follow? Or did she, and was it hidden by Zevin's father, for fear that one of the children might make the attempt, or perhaps by the enforcers of the ruling class, who fear subversion against the government?

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

As you can see by my questions, you've created a provocative tale here, that might form the nucleus of a very strong longer story, or even a novel, with the theme of man vs. the unknown, or man vs. government oppression, or man vs. ignorance, or many others, I'm sure. Good work, Henry.

Keep on writing!

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

** Image ID #1735856 Unavailable **
54
54
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

There's a lot to like about this piece. The names, for one: Sleven, the elf teamster, and Cornelious and Melvin, the elf accountants. Priceless! Love them all.

Having the accountants come along to assist on the flight is a great concept, too.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

There are a couple of things you might want to look at:
Where is my pants? "pants" is usually treated as a plural noun, so "are" might be better here.

Now where had I put your shirt...? "Did" instead of "had", for a direct past tense usage might work better.

Other than those few mechanical trivialities, I wonder why Mrs. C didn't wake Santa on time? Maybe some word of explanation might help this to play better.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Bravo! This is fun, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!


These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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55
55
Review of Prologue  
Review by CeruleanSon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good read, Ken; short and sweet.

The concept is intriguing, but I have to say that it strikes me that a scientist brilliant enough to harness tachyon energy and control navigation through time itself would realize the obvious flaw in the concept of going back to witness the beginning of the universe; that being the lack of a point of view, since by definition, all such points exist within the universe. That being the case, how did the vessel find itself outside?

No doubt you could come up with an explanation. Being the geek that I am, I just want you to explain how it happened.

Even so, I like your prose style, and though I anticipated the payoff, I still enjoyed the story. BTW, I did see one typo, in the second sentence, "discernible" is misspelled.

I hope my opinions are received in the spirit with which I offer them: a sincere desire to be helpful and encouraging to my fellow writers. Keep up the good work!

Greg
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56
56
Review of Triple Danger  
Review by CeruleanSon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great stuff, BB.

It flows nicely along, the main character, though he isn't quite a were-snake, is sufficiently serpentine of spirit to make the nastiness he experiences quite satisfying. Each was, indeed, scarier than the one preceding. Anita's mother, however, is no doubt the scariest of all, and is best left to the reader's imagination.

Thanks for the fun read!

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57
57
Review of Rust  
Review by CeruleanSon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This story has a lot going for it. The setting is macabre and mysterious, the main character is interesting, and thoughtful. There are some grammatical rough spots - rusty patches, if you will - that should be polished; little instances of clumsy usage that, if a word were changed here or there, would read much more smoothly.

Just as an example - in the second to last paragraph of section 3, at the very end: "though I am yet to see anything from what may or may not have been my old life". If "though I am" were changed to "though I have", the passage would scan better. There are a number of other similar places where such small tweaks would greatly improve the story's readability.

Good effort!
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