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51
51
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Kleo

Here's a review for you. I hope you find it helpful.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

This is good stuff, Kleo. Very exciting, and the situation is perplexing enough that I want to know what happens next, which is a very good quality for a prologue to have.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

"My mind, it seemed, couldn’t grasp this situation. My thoughts became flighty and unintelligible,"

"I could handle pain. What I couldn’t handle was my own lack of understanding, my sheer ignorance as to what was happening."

The two passages above are the only places in this part of the narrative where I feel as if you've separated the description from your character's voice and intruded with your own. Again, the need is for your character to experience these things directly, without trying to describe them as if from a vantage point outside herself, where she is observing her reactions without really feeling them.

For example, instead of the first passage, maybe something like: "I was stunned, confused; I couldn't grasp this situation, and my thoughts kept darting from place to place, flighty and unintelligible."

And in the second instance, maybe: "I could handle pain. What I couldn't handle was ignorance. I had no idea what was happening, and that was unacceptable."

Or, something like that. You'll come up with something, I'm sure. The rest of the narrative is so well-wrought, I know these little tweaks, should you decide my advice has any merit, will be child's play for you.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Keep going, Kleo; I can't wait to see what happens next!

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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52
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Kleo !

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

This is, as you say in your subtitle, a thrilling beginning to what I am sure will be a grand adventure. Your POV character is most engaging, and the action of the scene is well-structured. The descriptions are both original and highly evocative; the sights, sounds and smells of the battle on the beach come vividly to life in the reader's imagination. Well done!

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

"​I was intoxicated with energy, drunken with adrenaline"
"Drunken", to me, at least, suggests a person who is habitually intoxicated. For a description like this, where the character is talking about the thrill of a current experience, I think "drunk with adrenaline" would read better.

"...and felt strangely as if I’d swallowed lightening"You probably want the noun "lightning" here, rather than the verb "lightening".

"It flashed like fire through my veins, prickling rapidly along the underside of my skin like tiny, needle legged spiders." Nice!

"...my muscles sprang and darted lithely, and with deft precision; my thoughts became circumspect, my vision crystalline, my instincts unearthly and omnipotent..." This description is nicely written, but it seems more appropriate for a third-person narration. From a first-person perspective, it seems to me to be a bit of an unnatural way for a person to describe herself, almost as if her viewpoint had somehow risen above her and she was describing herself from a distance. In this context, at least, it seems to me a bit odd and contrived. You might want to try making the same description in more experiential terms, using the sort of metaphors that a person might employ in seeking to describe such feelings. For example: "I was a remorseless predator, my muscles lithe, springing and darting with effortless precision." "Circumspect" which means "wary and unwilling to take risks", doesn't seem to work in this context. To continue with the predator metaphor (for purposes of my example only, of course; you will no doubt come up with something better and more appropriate to your story), maybe something like, "My vision became crystalline, attention honed to a sharp focus on my prey, with the unearthly and seemingly omnipotent instincts only a hunting animal possessed." You get the idea... *Smile*


The descriptions of the battle itself and her actions within it are quite good, and the encounter with the behemoth is both exciting and funny. The buildup to the encounter with the king and the ultimate cliff-hanger both work well for me.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I want to congratulate you on your facility with scene-craft, Kleo. This is an excellent effort, and with a few tweaks will stand up and beckon the reader on into the rest of the work. It is one of the best pieces I've read by a young author in recent memory. Great work!

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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53
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Arosis

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

This is a very well-written fairy tale, with a voice that sounds as if an old-time story-teller from an oral tradition is sitting beside a campfire, speaking to the reader. It is charming and one hopes the phoenix will find its kin and that all will end well.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

The story flows well and it is beautifully written, with the exception of a few minor spelling errors ("lightening" instead of "lightning") and a pronoun-agreement issue "A young phoenix, like all phoenix before him, would leave the garden for a time, and return wiser and ready to make their first nest in the World Tree with a mate and chicks." here and there.

What I think is missing is focus. You seem to be trying to painting the humans as the reason for the loss of the world's magic, but without ill intent.
"Man, who had so eagerly and innocently explored their worlds and imaginations, now no longer looked up." [i}Perhaps this is a bit naive. It certainly provides little reason for the phoenix to blame Man for the death of magic. Maybe substituting "ignorance" for "innocence" might fuel a slightly different way of thinking about it, and give you a way to build the phoenix's wrath some before he actually encounters the boy and his kin.

As things stand, I really see little motivation for the phoenix to take the boy away from his father. Really the only crime the men have committed is to try and put out a fire in a shed. Nature itself is the only force that has actually harmed the phoenix.

In addition, there is no reason provided for the failure of the other phoenix to return to the World Tree. His discovery of them at the end seems to come from nowhere and explain nothing, though the whole star analogy is quite nice.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:


I think this story has the potential to be even better than it is now, Arosis, if you can just focus in a bit and find the conflict that is central to the tale. In the conflict is the interest of the story. What prevented the other phoenix from returning? Why has the magic been leached from the world? Is someone at fault? Is there evil intent, or only willful ignorance of the harm being done?

What, really, is this story about?

Answer these questions, and the may others tht will no doubt spring to your mind once you have done so, and this tale will grow in the telling.


These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, Finn O'Flaherty
I'm here to review your piece, "Hidden Imperfection, as a member of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society, and one of this month's judges for "Invalid Item. This review has no bearing on whether or not you win the contest, for I am only one of the judges. It's just my thoughts on your piece, offered in the spirit of camaraderie. That said, onward!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

This short piece is quite whimsical. It's funny and, I suspect, politically charged, as well. I'm not certain I understand the subtext, or, frankly, even the text, but it's amusing nonetheless. The odd descriptions of the "fake" sky, "brittle" sand and of Law himself are unusual and interesting. Two of my favorite quotes: "Frack Narnia!" and "He looked like Bob Geldofs mutant brother on acid, three times removed."

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

There are a few minor mechanical issues: Bob Geldofs needs an apostrophe to indicate the possessive.his laughter spluttered a weak flame and singed his knee."His" needs to be capitalized.c:black}The sea sharpened it's holdThe "its" needs no apostrophe, since it indicates the possessive pronoun, and not the contraction "it is".

Okay, enough of typos/grammatical stuff. Now, on to the real meat of the story. What you've written is intriguing, but I find myself wondering whether you've written enough to give it whatever thematic meaning you were striving to achieve. The idea that Law is the thorn of imperfection in the pristine society's side is a wonderful theme, and the bizarre description of law begs the question,

"If this is the thorn of imperfection, what must the 'pristine society' be like?" As a reader, I'd like at least some hints about the answer.

Law kicks aside a set of wooden doors in some wall, and apparently emerges onto the beach of brittle sand. Where was he before that?

Is he, or is he not, free of the cigarettes he chain smoked to distract himself from his burning desire? What is that burning desire? Is it simply lusting after dragons, or are they, too, a distraction from something deeper?

I gather that his mutation is symbolic of how Law has been corrupted, so is his exile upon this - what? Deserted island? - a clue that the society has replaced him with something more perfect, more pristine? Or is the society simply in anarchy without Law, as imperfect as he is?

If he himself is Law, what then are the ancient texts he'd never bothered reading, but which now demand his attention?

Lastly, though you do make use of all of the words in the prompt, you sort of split up the crystal mirror prop and use its component words as an adjective and action verb, respectively. This use eliminates the crystal mirror as a prop (short for "property" an item used by a character - or an actor playing a character - in the course of a scene), and in my opinion does not really fulfill the intent of the prompt, which is to use the four props in a story.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Okay, enough. I've already written ten times the words in your story. *Smile*

Lots of questions come to mind, and I'm sure that you can think of many more. With the contest's word count limit roughly ten times the size of your entry, you could have done a whole lot more with this cool kernel of an idea. This is what I would call the sketch, a note or two describing a story, but not yet the story itself. When you write it, I would love to read it. I'm sure it will be a worthy piece of socio-political satire.


These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Benjamin J. Shaw
Per your request, I'm here to review your piece, "Prologue: Adrift in the Void as a member of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

Dreams within dreams, or is it the true reality that Yeulid finds couched deep in the somnolent universe of his mind? The description of the way Yeulid slowly gains awareness of the island of dreams, where his spirit lies asleep at the foot of the tree-like god-being is ethereal and quite beautiful. The up-dripping of the dream waters is interesting, too.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

Since we are in dreamland, the normal conventions of reality are most likely suspended, but the fact that you describe Yeulid's bare feet touching down when he first arrives on the island of the tree, and then shortly later, have him dressed in his whole outfit with boots and sword, might perhaps come as something of a surprise to him, so that the reader understands this to be a conscious choice, and not a continuity error. Or not, depending on the level of ambiguity with which you feel comfortable.

the description of Yeulid's sleeping form having "buxom, striking blonde curls" is also quite ambiguous. "Buxom" conjures the image of a plump, large-bosomed woman, and though you describes Yeulid as having a feminine look, the large breast reference, even when applied to his hair, might be a bit too much ambiguity, at least without something masculine with which to couterbalance it. Though his love of his sword might be a step in that direction. *Smile*



OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This is a very nicely-painted prelude to what promises to be an interesting story. The dream-like quality of the tale so far is pleasant, but there is little sense of real urgency to it. The clock is ticking with each drop of dream-fluid from the pool and each trickle of blood from the sleeping Yeulid's side, but the reader is given no idea what this means in mission time, and therefore the level of urgency is low. Yeulid himself seems unconcerned, and the reader needs something more, I think, to push him or her onward into the next chapter.

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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56
Review of Island of Chains  
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, (user:dassiuna}
I'm here to review your piece, "Island of Chains, as a member of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society, and one of this month's judges for "Invalid Item. This review has no bearing on whether or not you win the contest, for I am only one of the judges. It's just my thoughts on your piece, offered in the spirit of camaraderie. That said, onward!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

This piece is very clean; you used all of the prompt's items and made them integral to the story. There are few, if any, typos or language issues. The structure of the story is well-crafted, with scenes switching back and forth through time periods quite seamlessly. The young slaves, Saera and Jaar, are engaging, and the reader can easily relate to them, and root for their success in their mysterious venture into the temple. The eyeless Seer and her maid Halla, are mysterious and the Seer herself is both frightening and intriguing. The High Warlord and General Feru bring the tension of the piece up several notches, since we don't know at first whether they intend to stop the Seer or Saera and Jaar. This uncertainty propels the reader on into the tale.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

"You got the powers, I got the sight."This prophetic comment, echoed at the end of the story, provides just the right amount of foreshadowing to bring into focus the events in between. The fact that Saera and the eyeless Seer are one and the same, but whether Jaar grows up to become the High Warlord or General Feru seems to me to be less than clear. You give evidence for both points of view.

On the one side, the High Warlord's scarred face would seem to be the "mark" that Saera mentions Jaar carries. His ability to win wars would indicate that he has the "power of death", and his treatment of the Seer when they meet would indicate his hesitation to simply kill her and save the world from her manipulation of the past - a brother's concern for his sister?

On the other hand, Saera tells Jaar:
"You'll meet a man who calls himself High Warlord, kill him. Do it without hesitation. You can. And you'll save us all.”
This would indicate a.) that Jaar grows up to be General Feru, and chooses to kill his own sister rather than allow her to change the world as he knows it, or b.) that Seara's prophetic vision was flawed and Jaar himself grew up to be the High Warlord, or c.) I've completely misinterpreted the entire story, and am in need of a careful explanation from you.*Bigsmile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

In any event, whether I've understood it properly or not, I was entertained by it. You are a very talented writer, Airila. Thanks very much for entering the contest. I wish you good luck!

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review of Elementalist  
for entry "Chapter 2
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

Tanith's experiences with learning about her elemental powers are vry interesting, and I love Fang. I know he's going to be a wonderful addition to this tale.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

Again, I have to say that, while I really enjoyed learning about Tanith, she spends most of the scene sitting on a root, thinking. This kind of thing is referred to as an "infodump", and is usually discouraged. The remedy is usually creating real, immediate action in which the character can engage, a conflict of some kind, where the character is striving to attain some goal against someone or something that prevents her from achieving it. This can be a conflict between the character and another character, or with some obstacle to the fulfillment of some need, either a basic one, like food or shelter, or some more complex one related to the plot.

Some mechanical issues continue, although you began to use "its" properly after the point where Fang begins to transform. There are some verb-tense isues, and other usage points that you might like to explore with an editor. I repeat my suggestion about "Invalid Item.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I like this story very much. Sure, it needs some work, but that's what we're all here for, right? Keep your heart focused on all of the good things about your tale (there's plenty about it to love), and your critical eye tuned into the stuff that needs work. Your feel for your characters and your sense of timing and plot tension will sharpen with every word that you write. The flawed stuff will slowly dwindle, while the good stuff will continue to grow.

Whatever happens, no matter what anyone says, keep working at getting the story written, from beginning to end. Before you know it, you will have a piece of fiction that exists somewhere besides in your imagination. Once you have that, it's just a matter of polishing and fine-tuning.


These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review of Elementalist  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, bajuwa:

As I said, I was nudged onward by your prologue, and am now here with a few remarks about Chapter One.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

The first part of the chapter, the continuation of the scene from the prologue, is interesting, though I wonder why the female character, whom you seem to have set up as a person whose energies are attuned to water, would be so disoriented and frightened by what I perceive to be her immersion in the fast-flowing river into which she jumped at the end of the prologue. I trust you have reasons for this, and the mystery makes me want to know more.

The second part, where you introduce Tanith and her two male companions, is also interesting. I like her, and her friends seem worthy of further exploration, from my reader's perspective.


SOME SUGGESTIONS:

That being said, I must say that this chapter, especially the second scene, is mostly exposition, without much in the way of forward motion of the story. I suggest that you wrap the information you need to relate into and around whatever incident you intend to occur next. Action is necessary to keep the reader interested while they get to know your characters and the world in which they live. Simply preparing for action and hinting about the action that is to come isn't really enough. Hints and foreshadowing are wonderful literary techniques, but they are an enhancement of immediacy, not a replacement for it. I suggest you bring the incident into the scene more quickly.

Also, as I noted about your prologue, there are mechanical issues that need to be addressed. Some like the "it's" usage, are the same things that I noticed in the earlier piece. There are others as well. You might want to have one of the CSFS editors (if not me, then one of the others) go over them with you.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Again, while the mechanical issues are important ones, they are minor compared to the things your story has going for it. You have created characters that inspire interest, and a milieu that will no doubt offer them challenges aplenty. Just move into the meat of the action, and you'll be on your way to a novel of which you can be proud.

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review of Elementalist  
for entry "Prologue
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This piece has a tense, suspenseful feel, and moves quickly. The female POV character is quite interesting, and her situation is intriguing. I like the story so far, and the ending of the scene definitely nudges me onward toward the next chapter.

There are numerous mechanical issues that need to be addressed, though. For example, several times you use "it's" as a possessive pronoun. "It's" is a contraction, short for "it is", while the correct possessive form of "it" is "its", without the apostrophe. There are other things, like verb tense agreement problems ("She looks down at the tiger cub lying in her arms." This sentence is in present tense, whereas the rest of the story is written in past tense.) and general language usage issues for which I could suggest alternatives.

I'd be happy to help you out with some editing, if you'd like. I'm one of the editors at the CSFS's "Invalid Item, so if you'd like some help with editing your piece, please feel free to request my services there.

These issues are minor. Your story has the real things needed for compelling fiction: an interesting character in a tense, exciting situation, with mysteries aplenty to pull the reader along. Good work!

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review of Moons of Hizara  
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

I like this inventive world you've imagined, here, Henry. The effects of the two moons on portions of the population is very intriguing. Zevin is a young man with an inquisitive mind, and you've given him a strong reason to desire knowledge of "the other side".

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

I found a single typo:

With a hard day’s work in the fields complete, the slow decent of the blue sphere above quickened Zevin’s heartbeat. This should probably be "descent" as in to sink lower, rather than "decent" as in commendable.

I know you only had 1,000 words to draw this picture, and you've done so very well. My suggestions, therefore, focus on the questions that occur to me that might need answering in an expanded version of the tale (a version which I sincerely hope you have planned).

1. You focus on the working class in this snippet. Are there others who are not so affected? Perhaps a ruling class which uses the moons' effects as a way of controlling the populace?

2. What is the actual cause of the deadly effect? Why are some affected by the blue and not by the red, while others are the opposite?

3. Is Zevin's mother one of those who actually made the crossing? If so, was she a scientist, or an empiricist of some kind? Zevin has her disappearance as a motive for dwelling on the way of his world; what was her motive? Why would she make such a deadly attempt without leaving behind records of her work, so that others might follow? Or did she, and was it hidden by Zevin's father, for fear that one of the children might make the attempt, or perhaps by the enforcers of the ruling class, who fear subversion against the government?


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

As you can see by my questions, you've created a provocative tale here, that might form the nucleus of a very strong longer story, or even a novel, with the theme of man vs. the unknown, or man vs. government oppression, or man vs. ignorance, or many others, I'm sure. Good work, Henry.

Keep on writing!


These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review of SALOON  
Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

Is that really the way the song goes? Hm... I've been singing it the wrong way around all of these years. This piece is really funny. A nice little flash piece, with good sketches of a few of the archetypal characters of western fiction.

I like the feeling of suspense you establish right from the start: “Let's settle this once and for all.” The reader expects something really nasty to ensue, like a gunfight, and it's really funny when the "settling" involves singing "My Darling Clementine".


SOME SUGGESTIONS:

I saw no typos, or other sorts of mechanical errors. Since this was written for the Flash Fiction contest, I know you were limited to 1,000 words, but now that the contest has been judged (CONGRATS!), you might want to flesh it out a bit more, and give the reader some more texture: How did Arthur get into the song wager? Why in the world would he wager on such a thing with a dangerous gunslinger? Maybe some non-obvious basis for Arthur's reluctance to sing the song would be useful.

Then again, maybe none of these options would suit you. You have a good imagination, and a good sense for the feel of the piece; if you agree that it feels just a bit thin, then I'm sure that you can find ways to provide more meat for the voracious appetite of the fiction carnivore.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I like this piece, as (obviously) did Arakun. Welcome to WDC and to our little Coffee Shop. I look forward to reading more of the output from your writing closet.

These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review by CeruleanSon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:

There's a lot to like about this piece. The names, for one: Sleven, the elf teamster, and Cornelious and Melvin, the elf accountants. Priceless! Love them all.

Having the accountants come along to assist on the flight is a great concept, too.

SOME SUGGESTIONS:

There are a couple of things you might want to look at:
Where is my pants? "pants" is usually treated as a plural noun, so "are" might be better here.

Now where had I put your shirt...? "Did" instead of "had", for a direct past tense usage might work better.

Other than those few mechanical trivialities, I wonder why Mrs. C didn't wake Santa on time? Maybe some word of explanation might help this to play better.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Bravo! This is fun, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!


These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....

Best regards,
CeruleanSon

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Review of Prologue  
Review by CeruleanSon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good read, Ken; short and sweet.

The concept is intriguing, but I have to say that it strikes me that a scientist brilliant enough to harness tachyon energy and control navigation through time itself would realize the obvious flaw in the concept of going back to witness the beginning of the universe; that being the lack of a point of view, since by definition, all such points exist within the universe. That being the case, how did the vessel find itself outside?

No doubt you could come up with an explanation. Being the geek that I am, I just want you to explain how it happened.

Even so, I like your prose style, and though I anticipated the payoff, I still enjoyed the story. BTW, I did see one typo, in the second sentence, "discernible" is misspelled.

I hope my opinions are received in the spirit with which I offer them: a sincere desire to be helpful and encouraging to my fellow writers. Keep up the good work!

Greg
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Review of Triple Danger  
Review by CeruleanSon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great stuff, BB.

It flows nicely along, the main character, though he isn't quite a were-snake, is sufficiently serpentine of spirit to make the nastiness he experiences quite satisfying. Each was, indeed, scarier than the one preceding. Anita's mother, however, is no doubt the scariest of all, and is best left to the reader's imagination.

Thanks for the fun read!

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Review of Rust  
Review by CeruleanSon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This story has a lot going for it. The setting is macabre and mysterious, the main character is interesting, and thoughtful. There are some grammatical rough spots - rusty patches, if you will - that should be polished; little instances of clumsy usage that, if a word were changed here or there, would read much more smoothly.

Just as an example - in the second to last paragraph of section 3, at the very end: "though I am yet to see anything from what may or may not have been my old life". If "though I am" were changed to "though I have", the passage would scan better. There are a number of other similar places where such small tweaks would greatly improve the story's readability.

Good effort!
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