|Hi, Finn O'Flaherty
I'm here to review your piece, "Hidden Imperfection" , as a member of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society, and one of this month's judges for "Invalid Item" . This review has no bearing on whether or not you win the contest, for I am only one of the judges. It's just my thoughts on your piece, offered in the spirit of camaraderie. That said, onward!
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS:
This short piece is quite whimsical. It's funny and, I suspect, politically charged, as well. I'm not certain I understand the subtext, or, frankly, even the text, but it's amusing nonetheless. The odd descriptions of the "fake" sky, "brittle" sand and of Law himself are unusual and interesting. Two of my favorite quotes: "Frack Narnia!" and "He looked like Bob Geldofs mutant brother on acid, three times removed."
There are a few minor mechanical issues: Bob Geldofs needs an apostrophe to indicate the possessive.his laughter spluttered a weak flame and singed his knee."His" needs to be capitalized.c:black}The sea sharpened it's holdThe "its" needs no apostrophe, since it indicates the possessive pronoun, and not the contraction "it is".
Okay, enough of typos/grammatical stuff. Now, on to the real meat of the story. What you've written is intriguing, but I find myself wondering whether you've written enough to give it whatever thematic meaning you were striving to achieve. The idea that Law is the thorn of imperfection in the pristine society's side is a wonderful theme, and the bizarre description of law begs the question,
"If this is the thorn of imperfection, what must the 'pristine society' be like?" As a reader, I'd like at least some hints about the answer.
Law kicks aside a set of wooden doors in some wall, and apparently emerges onto the beach of brittle sand. Where was he before that?
Is he, or is he not, free of the cigarettes he chain smoked to distract himself from his burning desire? What is that burning desire? Is it simply lusting after dragons, or are they, too, a distraction from something deeper?
I gather that his mutation is symbolic of how Law has been corrupted, so is his exile upon this - what? Deserted island? - a clue that the society has replaced him with something more perfect, more pristine? Or is the society simply in anarchy without Law, as imperfect as he is?
If he himself is Law, what then are the ancient texts he'd never bothered reading, but which now demand his attention?
Lastly, though you do make use of all of the words in the prompt, you sort of split up the crystal mirror prop and use its component words as an adjective and action verb, respectively. This use eliminates the crystal mirror as a prop (short for "property" an item used by a character - or an actor playing a character - in the course of a scene), and in my opinion does not really fulfill the intent of the prompt, which is to use the four props in a story.
Okay, enough. I've already written ten times the words in your story.
Lots of questions come to mind, and I'm sure that you can think of many more. With the contest's word count limit roughly ten times the size of your entry, you could have done a whole lot more with this cool kernel of an idea. This is what I would call the sketch, a note or two describing a story, but not yet the story itself. When you write it, I would love to read it. I'm sure it will be a worthy piece of socio-political satire.
These comments are made with respect and the best intentions. Please accept them in the spirit with which I offer them. Embrace what you find useful, and allow the rest to trickle off into the void....
** Image ID #1753278 Unavailable **