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278 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Alan  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Saw your note in the feed about the beginning of your story, so just a quick comment.

Once criterion to use in analyzing your work is "Will the story be hurt if I omit this?" or "Is this really vital to the story?".

With that in mind, what happens if you take out the two paragraphs starting "Born in..." and ending "...told them now." IMO, a reader wouldn't miss those at all.

Oh, just noticed you missed the closing quote mark after "...rub you down."

A quick skim showed good sentence structure, reasonable dialog, good mechanics.

Did also notice you're fond of starting with participle phrases - Pausing as if coming to a decision, Staring silently, and so on that indicate a continuing action while something else happens. Just your style, nothing wrong with it, but you use it often enough to be noticeable, so you might try varying your construction.

Write on!
52
52
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Sorry to rain on your parade, Ricky, but this was another story I skimmed. I found the extensive dialogue hard to follow.

Do you write from a plan, or are you a "pantser"? If the latter, I suggest you ask yourself just what is supposed to be happening in this segment.

Please don't keep repeating "Captain Galy". Once we know his name and title, you can just use "Galy" or "the captain" because he's the only one with that title. The same for Governor Ford. Just call him Ford, or the governor.

Likewise, do you realize how many times you've used the phrase "royal herald"? I'll tell you: 58 times! Please, vary that with "the herald" or "the major" or "Emerson" or "Major Emerson". Or just rewrite without the speech tags if it's clear who is speaking.

Word choice: Vile or vial? Alright or all right?

Good line that caught my attention: The storm in the royal herald’s grey eyes grew colder.

You have a solid grasp of mechanics, which is a great basis for good writing. My main suggestion is to tighten this up. Think about just what your scenes and dialog need to convey, then cut any parts that aren't vital to your purpose.

Write on!
53
53
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Great title, drew me in to review the story. Didn't get very far into it, sorry to say, because it just didn't hold my interest.

There are a couple of named but otherwise anonymous characters fighting in an undescribed place for an undeclared reason. A couple of other relatively unknown characters, brothers to one of the first two, show up. Everybody's angry. Uh, why?

I need to know more about these boys if I am to care about them. Where are they, who are they, why are they angry? What's the issue? Who is the main character; what's his problem; what's at stake? Possibly this would all become clear if I were to read on, but you have to make me want to.

Nothing wrong with starting with a fight scene, if it's dynamic. I think part of the issue for me is that I find your style a bit wordy.

Richard thrust the end of his staff forward, catching Kent Witkin center chest. [i.e. Richard jabbed the butt of his staff into Witkin's sternum--a potentially fatal blow, BTW] The force of the sudden impact drove the boy back, knocking him to the ground. Sprawling with a hard thud, the boy [where he] lay for a moment while air slowly seeped back into his lungs. Eventually, he rose up on his elbows [you mean he propped himself up on his elbows?], staring horrified at Richard Look, the kid is knocked to the ground, then he sprawls with a hard thud. How is it he falls twice? How do you stare horrified? Can you show the reader rather than tell?

I find it prolix, but other reviewers may not: just a matter of taste.

BTW, who the heck is Hank, who shows up part way into the story? If he's Richard's little bro, it would help to say so.

I'll end with some positives. Mechanics are good. Sentence structure looks good. Grammar looks good. Vocabulary is good (though you are maybe too fond of adverbs). Dialog is properly punctuated.

Please consider tightening this up, and If I have time, I'll come back and read the rest of this; if it gets better as it progresses, I'll be sure to let you know.
54
54
Review of Forkman  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Wow, has this ever changed!

* Word choices that drive the mood and reveal the character
* Some marvelous imagery ("...like a raw sheet of bubble wrap, enveloping the stupidity of his brain"--love it!)
* Some vivid surrealistic description ("Steam rose in the air, tiny metal cups hung along the sides of a yellow house, and a bearded man wearing pleasant [peasant??] rags watched him…"
* An intriguing and clearly tormented main character, almost an anti-hero

couple of pancakes, and wash it [them? is 'couple' singular?] down

Don't have time to read this all right now, but will definitely be back to finish it later. I like what I've read so far.
55
55
Review of Missing you  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A little flash story told entirely in dialog. It's spooky on two levels, the first being that it's a conversation with a dead wife and mother, and the second being the twist ending.

This was well-suited for the old Rotten Leaves, so congratulations on the acceptance. I'm curious about whether or not they published it before they closed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review of Dead Ringer  
for entry "Chapter 2: Clones" 
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Don't have time tonight for a full review (later) but I will say that the title and blurb grabbed my attention. Obviously, ignore the stars.
57
57
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Enjoyed the story - solid structure, interesting characters, realistic conflict, reasonable outcome, good mechanics.

As a ballroom dancer myself (and sometime teacher), I noticed that Grace was wearing ballet flats. Obviously either not her first dance class, or she went out and bought them for the swing class.

If MC not only caught on to waltz rhythm but both leading and twirlingto a Viennese waltz that quickly, he's definitely not the clutz he thought he was.

An excellent flash fiction.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good story, with a bit of a twist.

He tried to speak but no sound penetrated the barrier, though he could hear her perfectly.

This strikes me as a POV slip. He's not OUTSIDE the barrier and so couldn't know his voice wouldn't penetrate, especially since he can hear her. What I think you mean is that he spoke but his voice was suppressed, or that he knew he was speaking yet heard nothing. Perhaps he 'tried' to speak but couldn't because his vocal apparatus was paralyzed (or, to show instead of telling, "He tried to speak but the growing numbness of his lips and tongue and the swelling in his throat choked off his breath") Whatever.



The network of blue lines around Al began to glow brightly and Al vanished.

Something bothered me about this last line, and I studied it for several minutes before figuring it out. It's the repetition of Al's name, coupled with the compound sentence and the use of 'began'.

Now, this is just my reaction and probably a matter of taste; it's your story, so ignore me if you like.

The only one with blue lines is Al, so it's not necessary to tell us. "began to glow" is an ongoing action. "Flared brightly" or "glowed brightly" is an instantaneous action.

The network of blue lines glowed brightly, and Al vanished. What do you think?

Best of luck in the Twisted Tales Contest -- IMO this is a good entry!
59
59
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Okay, you asked for it! Here's my opinion (and it's just an opinion, not the word of Zeus or anything)

Lots of action here, for sure. Inter-species homosexual romance, yet.

The elf swung one of his axes in[to] the rips of one of the undead warriors.
Say what? What the blazes are "rips"? It has torn flesh? "Ribs" would make more sense.

Starting right in with the battle is fine, though a little context would help. What elf? Where is this? Eventually I learn that it's some kind of labyrinth, but it would help me orient myself in the story if this came a little sooner. Also, "The elf" and "The orc" got irksome pretty quickly. I'd like them more if they were characters, not nameless caricatures. I like https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/elf_names.ph... and https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/orc_names.ph...

Quickly he followed up by burying his second axe in its neck, taking its head clean off. Sort of a mixed image here. If the axe is buried, the head is not severed. How about "...sweeping his second axe through its neck, taking its head..."? Gotta think about stuff like this when you're editing your work.

Lots of room for proofreading here, so brush up your skills and clean up those comma errors, sentence fragments, misplaced punctuation, missing words, and the like. These errors are the reason for the two stars. BTW there is no such word as "alright", no matter how often you see it in print.

Oh, you asked specifically about the fight scenes? I thought them generally okay. Hard to avoid overused cliches in something like this.

Always tough to judge a first chapter. How about you check https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-write-... and compare your work to their suggestions?

I hope this is some help to you!

Write on.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Death before dishonor? *Laugh*
Guess telling it to go bugger off wouldn't help at all. *Shock2*
Dang, I'd love to write for this, but we're going out tomorrow for lunch and cards with friends. And it's my turn to do supper. And the dog needs walked.
Can I do 3000 words in the time left? Uh, no...
61
61
Review of Toe in the Water  
for entry "Computer Language" 
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
<sigh> If only it were that easy....
62
62
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
PSST! I've got a tip for you! You actually included these instructions in your item:

ONLY INCLUDE THE 1 TITLE YOU CHOOSE, NOT THE ENTIRE LIST.

Then you went ahead and ignored those instructions, and included the entire list!

You might want to edit that.

As for your story, what a hilarious string of ironies! I can just see that happening.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, James

To me, this reads like a book blurb - what you read on the back cover. A blurb is a teaser that makes you want to take the book to the cashier. As a blurb, it's darn good--sets up a believable and sympathetic protagonist, hints at the conflict and stakes, and leaves a question in the reader's mind.

However, it seems to me that the rules ask for a synopsis, which is a brief summary of the story's main plot,important subplots, and the ending, along with character descriptions, and an overview of major themes.

I've asked Schnujo to clarify her rules, as I think she actually wanted a blurb and asked for the wrong thing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please assist me with constructive reviews.

Sure! Hope I can help.

The first chapter is of vital importance. It needs to do several things.

1. Establish the tone or mood. I see a medieval type setting and characters, with conflict between the two characters. I suspect that the mood is intended to be somewhat dark, though stronger word choices and images would help.

2. Determine the point of view (POV) This is clearly third person omniscient. The narrator knows and explains how each character feels. You've kept the POV consistent throughout. Off to a fine start, here.

3. Clearly reveal the protagonist's goal or need IMO this is not achieved. It appears that Gideon's only goal is to antagonize the baron. I think this makes the character appear a bit childish and churlish

4. Grab the reader's interest and encourage further reading Okay, I'm interested in finding out the issues between your two characters, and why Gideon is being such an a-hole. I would read on because the characters are intriguing, but the chapter doesn't end with a "cliff-hanger" or any reason to compel me to continue.

According to MasterClass  , there are five things a good first chapter needs.

A gripping first paragraph: Beginning with your very first sentence, your reader will start to form their first impression of the rest of the book. That’s why the opening paragraph is so important. Your opening scene should pique your reader’s curiosity, establish your narrative voice, and serve a thematic introduction to the rest of the story. That’s a lot of pressure to place on your first scene, which is why many people wait until they’ve written their whole book before returning to their opening lines. Once you’re deeper into your first draft, you’ll likely have a better sense of your themes, characters, and point of view, and you can revisit the first line with a fresh perspective.

My two bits worth: "Gideon Streets walked down the stone hallway, leather soles making soft whup, whup sounds" Do you really think that shows the right mood? "Walked" and "soft sounds" are so quiet. How about "Gideon Streets strode down the hallway, the impatient slam of his boot heels echoing from the walls". See the difference? You'll want to rethink and rewrite your opening to better match the mood you want to set.

An introduction to the main character: A great opening usually contains an introduction to the main character. The success of your novel or short story will ultimately be decided by your reader’s ability to engage or identify with your protagonist. By the end of the first chapter of your novel, the reader should have a basic sense of who your main character is and be eager to follow their journey into the second chapter.

I'd like to know from the start that he's in a hooded red robe. And just what office does he hold? I'm guessing it's an important one, since it allows him to antagonize the baron. Wait, that makes Gideon the antagonist!

An introduction to the antagonist: A great main character is defined by their relationship to the antagonist. The antagonist will introduce challenges and obstacles that your protagonist must overcome, helping them grow in the process. This conflict should be introduced—or at least foreshadowed—in chapter one. Your antagonist may not necessarily be a specific character; it might be the government, society as a whole, or an element of the character’s internal being. Either way, the reader should have a sense of what the protagonist is up against by the end of the opening chapter.

I think you've done this, though the baron comes across as weak and ineffective.

A vivid setting: When a reader opens your novel for the first time, they want to immediately feel a sense of place. That means including sensory details that allow them to experience the sights, sounds, and smells that your protagonist is experiencing. This will help give the setting a sense of immediacy and immerse the reader in the world of your story without going too deep into world-building.

It seems this happens in a castle. Those narrow windows would be arrow slits, but they're normally at shoulder height so archers can shoot from them. You might want to study castle architecture and work on your world building.

An inciting incident: When it comes to writing fiction, nothing will propel your reader onward quite like a world-changing event for your protagonist, which is why the inciting incident should appear as early as possible. The inciting incident is the engine for your story, providing a starting point for your main character’s journey and their eventual arc. Readers may start reading because of your unique voice or distinct POV, but they will continue reading only if your inciting incident is exciting enough to drive them forward.

You've hinted at some conflict between these two characters, but it's only a hint, with no depth. What drives Gideon? Why does his liege put up with his impertinence?

I hope this is the kind of review you wanted. I've tried suggest some directions that will help you to continue with your work. Let me know when you've edited this and written chapter 2, I'd be interested to see how it goes.

Best wishes!
GW


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review of High Violet  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Looking for the emotions/insights it evokes, any wooden dialogue, narrative confusion, or problems with flow. (short story)

I like the delicate, tranquil mood, created by careful word choice and precise descriptions. There is a literary quality to this that I enjoyed.

The characters struck me as reasonably interesting, especially Hisao. The physical description of Violet is well-crafted but I don't feel I know her; there is nothing in her to engage my emotions.

The narrative flows pleasantly and well. The dialog is natural and even amusing with some genial sparring.

If you're looking for areas to strengthen, I have two suggestions.

1. What I don't find here is a plot. I would call this a vignette rather than a short story. In the latter, there is conflict of some sort. The main character has a problem to be solved, some obstacles to be overcome; there is risk, there are consequences to failure. You've probably seen these elements of plot: Inciting Incident; Rising Action or Progressive Complications; Climax; Denouement. Where are these in your piece? I can guess that there is more to come, but a first chapter has to really grab the reader, and I didn't feel grabbed.

2. You have a nice, pleasant flow, beautifully written--but there is nothing gripping, nothing to really engage me with these nice, pleasant characters, nothing that really makes me care about them. They're too nice, too pleasant, too dull. Couldn't Violet be bitchy, or at least waspish?

Watch your email for a line-by-line commentary.

You have a great style, commanding vocabulary, solid grasp of mechanics (except for em dashes). I think you have the ability to make this a much stronger story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review of Rhyghts Chp.1  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A quick note on the rewrite. Good job, a vast improvement over what I saw before.

There are still a few minor comma errors and such, but because they really are minor I'll not dwell on them.

I think this is more solid than the earlier draft. More coherent, characters more consistent and more fully developed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting change in Sigrun's character over the three sections.

As I mentioned, this has potential for expansion to a novel.

Section 3 has fewer line notes, being generally better put together.

I did notice many vague pronouns, with unclear referents; these are mentioned in the line comments.

IMO this has potential to be published. For some, this can be a hard path, and you have to develop a thick skin: rejection of your manuscript is not a rejection of your skill or of your person. On the other hand, if you hit the right market, you might get a quick acceptance.

Best wishes
GW


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Section one had conflict between urgan and human. The urgan are shown only as brutish robbers. There is an interesting character, Korog, an urgan shaman of great power who unfortunately disappears at the end of part one.

Antagonists are a vital part of a story. They provide obstacles and action to build plot. IMO your antagonists could be developed a little more. "Now I rule tribe, how all glassmaking vampires take payment." Has he no motivation beyond the self-centered vainglory of being tribal boss? Is there no deeper urgan/human conflict here?

"Give us a good story! Give us well written characters to love!...Give us a whole person! Give us a [villain] who is flawed and virtuous and annoying and lovable and has depth!" (Sorry, forgot to include the URL for that quote in my notes)

Anyway, my point here is that Korog is an impressive character and I'm sorry he didn't show up in parts two and three except as a brief reference to the past. Likewise, Corielle and Ben battle urgans, but in the second half with the three boys, urgans no longer exist.

Onward. Section 2 seems to deal with Sigrun's reaction to Korog's poison smoke. The adventurous warrior-trainee of Section 1 has vanished and in her place creeps a weak and broken loner who hides in a crate. Good stuff, solid character development based on losing her home (though it's described as "Mark's home") and guardians.

Driven by hunger, she attacks "a fat young man in a light blue coat"...and SOMEHOW SHE KNOWS HIS NAME. In fact, she knows Oliver, Collen, and Dust by name. Really left me scratching my head and muttering, "what the...?" Who are these guys, and how does she know them?

Also, perhaps because of Korag's poison, perhaps because of her pixies (who also have disappeared from the story, though they seemed central in Section 1) Sigrun sees/hears the ghosts of Ker and Mack. Why not Myrrha, who seemed closer to the MC originally?

What I think I'm feeling here is a disconnect between the two sections. What happened to Mother and Father, or to the Pixies, who seemed important in #1? What appeared to be the central conflict in #1--human vs urgan--has changed to Sigrun vs herself. That's okay, I guess.

Hope I've explained this enough. I've done a line-by-line that I'll attach to an email later.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
for entry "Review Box" 
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Spent my afternoon reading The People of Glass (1, 2, 3 & epilogue). Short story, phooey. At 18,000 words, this is a frickin' novella.

Into editor mode, now.

Overall, this is a well-done and enjoyable read with a lot of originality (at least, I don't recognize many tropes. Reminds me most of Orson Scott Card's "Speaker for the Dead"). I'll happily highlight parts that I think read well and serve your narrative beautifully, if you need the reassurance.

However, I have serious concerns about some of the flow and transitions, especially in part 3. I'll address these for each of parts 2 & 3

Also some questions about Sigrun's motivation and behavior overall. She is the pivotal character, so her moods, feelings, motivation and character are vital to the story.

I liked the Pixies in part 1 but they seem to have turned into ghosts in the rest. I'd like to see more development of the urgan shaman.

Anyway, more later.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review of Beyond the Grave  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As I read this, I heard an echo:

On the shores of Gitche Gumee,
Of the shining Big-Sea-Water...

No helping what comes into my head, sorry. Just a famous and well known trochic tetrameter that intruded....

You wrote a great poem and earned a well-deserved win.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am evaluating this as the first section of a longer work.

This has an almost poetic feel in parts, a literary quality that sets a mystical mood.

The mechanics (grammar, syntax, spelling, punctuation) are of a very high level, so aside from a couple of hyphenation issues, there is little to be said on that front except "well done".

The protagonist is 12 year old Sigrun, though if one ignores the prelude, it is FIVE PAGES into the story that one first learns her name. It would be helpful to have that information a bit sooner.

The setting in time is an indefinite future; the setting in place seems to be on Earth, a country stronghold some distance from the nearest town, though it is poorly defended, holding only Sigrun and her guardians, her aunt and uncle.

I found the plot a bit confusing in spots. There are several conflicts. First, the MC apparently sees, or at least follows, "pixies" which is a source of conflict with her guardians. Second, there seems to be some unclear conflict between old wolf/old Wolf/Old Wolf/Old Man Wolf (his name is inconsistent) and the aunt and uncle. Third, there is a general conflict between urgans and humans. Finally, there is a specific and present conflict between the un-named "monster-man" and the adult humans, whom he kills. Since this is the first part of many, I expect these conflicts to be clarified and developed further. In the end, Sigrun makes a difficult decision and moves on to the next chapter of her life.

The characters are interesting and except for "monster man" fairly well developed. I had little sympathy for the overly confident and slightly cardboard Mack and Myrrha, high-born though they are. They are throwaways, after all, dead in the first installment, despite being accomplished warriors, with the girl in training.

There are a number of specific issues that I wish to address. In some cases, they may be a matter of style, and you're welcome to ignore them, but they are things that jumped at me.

...darkness brought the pillow into my consciousness. At my window, a bluebird pecked. Bluebirds are diurnal, and sleep at night.

My moonlit gaze flitted in the knee-high grass amid the poplars and the elms. One's gaze is not moonlit. The scenery is moonlit. "My gaze flitted over the moonlit knee-high grass...."

I grabbed a glowing orange fireberry from the tree.It burned going down I take it she swallowed it? but [it] did not bring forth the pixies, as Uncle Mac warned. This "as Uncle Mac [had] warned" is confusing. When did Mack warn this?

The lamb skipped away, never looking back. The lamb has an injured and possibly fractured leg. Please have it limp away or hobble away.

Mack winked at me as he followed Myrrha in[to] the secret conference room 'Into' makes more sense than 'in'.

I pressed my ear [to the door] as close as I could.

I heard the clicking as they wound their contraption, and then the music of the steel harp drowned out their whispers. I'm guessing that the contraption is the steel harp. Would be clearer as "...wound their steel harp, then the music of that contraption drowned..."

"Today, she's staying inside." I almost had my upstroke with the sword mastered, There HAS to be a section break between 'inside' and 'I almost'. Otherwise, this transition is abrupt to the point of confusion.

As I trudged toward the kitchen, relief flowed into Myrrha. She thought she had done something good This is a POV shift or "head hop". Sigrun has no way of knowing Myrrha's feelings or thoughts.

breathed the aroma for a boot click. Say what? What on earth is 'a boot click'?

A shadow raven screamed out its hunting cry. The shudder made me mishandle my pretend sword. Where did the shudder come from? Just have the scream make her mishandle her sword.

Not only did she lack the imagination to hear the spirits, she even wanted me to stop [hearing them].

playfully tapped my breastplate What breastplate? Earlier she was WISHING she had armor. Does she have pretend armor as well as a pretend sword?

Myrrha knocked over the beat up pitcher on the table as a jolt in my stomach sent me halfway up the stairs before I questioned my actions. I question the conjunction 'as' here, as it seems ambiguous. Did the knock cause the stomach jolt? Did the knock happen at the same time as the jolt? Or did the knock and the jolt happen simultaneously from some other external cause? This is one of those style things!

The door bar clattered against the floor and the door slapped against the wall. Poltergeists? Magic? A bar and a door with self-will?

Once upstairs, the urge to hide gave way. To what? Curiosity, maybe?

Myrrha beside herself with emotions that squeezed my stomach Why should Myrrha's emotions squeeze Sigrun's stomach?

I need not cower, only to stay out of sight No need for the infinitive; use parallel construction

the thing had survived hundreds of years. A small sign that glassmakers—indeed, all humans—had once been worth more than ridicule. I shoved the thing into place. Repeating "the thing" strikes hard. Use "the spyglass" for the second.

Myrrha lifted the lid from the oven and placed the roasting rack into place. More of the urgans shuffled in behind them. Behind the oven lid and roasting rack? Into the oven the urgans shuffle!

Mack shook his head, deflecting the blows as if I made them after pickling my brain in a bottle of rum. It sounds as if Mack is fighting Sigrun. I think you're saying that Ker's blows were as weak as if made by a drunken twelve year old girl.

Myrrha groaned and slumped against the open sword cabinet.
"This is how you repay friendship?" He charged, skewered Ker, Since Myrrha is the last referent, I'd be tempted to say "Mack charged".

I raise these issues only because they struck me as a reader. Another reviewer might overlook or ignore them, or find them perfectly acceptable. They are offered in good faith with hope of adding polish to an already excellent story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
Review of Fall  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.0)
Becky,

You entered this in almost-haiku in Test Your Poetry, which is a good spot for it.
But you need to enter it as { bitem:xxxxxx } but without the spaces, where the xxxxx is the ID number of the poem, 2259005
It will come out like this:
 Fall  (E)
It’s a poem about fall and it’s beauty.
#2259005 by Beckab50


Before you fix your entry, you might want to change "it's beauty" to "its beauty". It's is a contraction for "it is" while its is possessive.
73
73
Review of The Park  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Heather

A well-crafted tale, quite readable, that moves well in most sections.
As with your other story I reviewed, this one doesn't end. If his diagnosis was in January, his forecast death is in July. Why stop where you did? You've labeled this "short story" but IMO it's more of a vignette.

First, my compliments on clean, well-written prose. Some minor things.
I'm scarping by - SB scraping (scarping is a legitimate word but not what you meant)
A weary sigh falls from my mouth - struck me as odd that a person would write that, took me out of the narrative for a bit.


A story has a beginning, middle, and end. A plot has conflict, obstacles, rising action, a climax, and a denouement.

This has conflict: a young man faces a diagnosis of cancer and wrestles with the fact of impending death. Realistically told, quite believable.

There are obstacles: his parents (not him?) wrestle with the diagnosis, face disbelief and seek alternatives; he faces alienation from his friends.

I find rising action: the dating of what is presumably his diary brings the end nearer; he deals with some of his feelings.

Is there a climax? A high point in the action where the obstacles seem insurmountable but are finally overcome through the MC's own actions? Hmm, I couldn't see it.

Looking forward to reading some of your other work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Luck of the Draw  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Okay, I'm part way into this and liking it so far, but really taken out of the story by a factual issue.

Plot is good as far as I've gone, character development is sound (I kind of like/dislike Julian, Chelsea, and the foster family). Tone/mood is solid and creepy. Sensory details give a good picture of the characters and of Julian's mental issues.

I'll read the rest later, but what jarred is that there is no way this is how a foster goes (at least, not in Canada). A kid is not just plunked into a new home like that. The family would have undergone extensive investigation and Chelsea would have conducted several interviews and home visits. Julian would have previously met all the members of the family -- no surprises.

My first career was as a child psychologist; I worked with social workers and did psych evaluations of a lot of kids like Julian. I simply cannot "suspend disbelief" for your dumping him into the home like that. I'm not sure if this strikes me because I have particular knowledge of the field; perhaps other reviewers would not notice this. And it's entirely possible that where you live, that's how it's done (though I certainly hope not).

Oh, before I forget, please fix the tense shift in paragraph #1 "Julian stared out the window" when everything else is present tense. Just a slip.

Now, all that aside, I'll go back to the rest of your story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Nightfuries  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations, Kåre

IMO this follows the prompt well, noting the calm stance of the girl as "innocence herself".

"Night furies" is a good name for the creatures shown in the prompt. The swirls around them is well depicted in "What tendrils of their hair will wrap around our childhood tears?

My favorite line is "hide in coffined corners of our psyche" because of the alliteration, though "psyche" is two syllables and sort of breaks the rhythm. "Our minds" might fit too.

I have never cared for free verse, so please forgive me if I'm off the mark on something here.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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