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278 Public Reviews Given
286 Total Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I found this on Community > Please Review which means you requested a review.

However, I find it quite difficult to read with the lines broken as they are. Please reformat it so that each line fits within the boundaries of the WdC window.

One quick comment on what I did decipher: You wrote ...he removes the hand stopping the entrance from closing. When he does that, it closes. IMO that last sentence is redundant. Most readers will assume that once he takes his hand away, the door will close.

I'll be pleased to review the piece once it's reformatted. Oh, and just ignore the star rating.
102
102
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, Nine

Of structured poetry, such as this, my opinion is that
1) The rhythm should be regular, with emphasis falling on the natural stressed syllable of words
2) Rhymes should be unforced, without odd word-forms
3) The rhyme scheme should be regular

Regarding #1, your rhythm is quite irregular, which makes the poem difficult to read aloud.

Regarding #2, we have such oddities as wide ope(n), your vein(s); that sunrise budge (say what?? maybe sunrise will budge?)

Regarding #3, you have an irregular pattern ABABCD, EFEFGD, HIHIJD (unless you intend "bass" to rhyme with "pass", but that "bass" is a fish). There is some use of half-rhymes (trickle/bubble). The repetition of the last line helps tie the stanzas together.

You do have some bits effective imagery, such as "let the walk become a trudge" or the alliteration in "tears trickle". Taking "withers" not as "the ridge between the shoulders" but "losses of freshness", makes this a highly original construct.

You said you were trying something new with this work. IMO you have achieved some success as a basis for future work.
103
103
Review of RIVALRY  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It is difficult to tell a complete story in only 300 words, and I credit you with success in this one.

Your first paragraph provides setting and characters, and events in the plot move simply but quickly to a humourous if gruesome ending of "long pig" and a shrunken head.

Perhaps English is not your first language? Word choice is good, but sentence structure and verb tense could use work. If you want specifics, email me and I'll edit the story.

It gave me a chuckle at the end.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
104
104
Review of Southwind  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Thank you for your co-entry!

I loved the opening line, to the point where I read it aloud twice. "Artemis the elder stood atop the tower of Tanith." The alliteration is almost poetic.

In your second paragraph, you don't need the tag, "said the voice". It's quite obvious who is speaking. Not every exchange of dialog needs a tag ("said Bronus") and too many tags is intrusive. See if you can take some of them out, where it's obvious who is speaking.

“King Pharen, my elder, is wise. You've created an appositive  , where "my elder" refers to King Pharen. Take out the comma after "elder".

Gotta go watch my grandkids swimming lessons. Wrap-up: you have a plot where things happen and reach a conclusion. The basis of any good story.
105
105
Review of Poor Tom  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Loved it! I hear so many echoes!

On Ilkley Moor bar t'at

Tam o'Shanter

Jack o' the Lantern

Will o' the Wisp


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
106
106
Review of Sprocket  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice little story, amazing what can be done with only 300 words. All the basics -- brief character development, a simple plot, a bit of rising action, the climax of his decision to fly, a quick dénouement.

I had to blink at two things:
1. Him not finding his googles (I decided that just had to be deliberate)
2. Her having sprockets in her pockets. I wasn't sure if you meant socket (used for tightening nuts & bolts) but perhaps the sockets were replacement parts for the aircraft engine.

Thanks for a quick, fun story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
107
107
Review of A New Dawn Ch.1  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Zac, you haven't been here for over a year.

Your chapter has not been revised since you first posted it. It has some major issues.

I am going to assume that this is a dead account, and I will pass on doing a review since I doubt you will gain any advantage from it.

AFAIK, no others can see this review of your work, so no one else will benefit from it either.

Should I be wrong, please email me and I will be pleased to re-examine your first chapter.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review of the great flower  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Brilliant239

Welcome to WdC!

I'm pleased to review your first (and so far, only) submission.

I find short poems hard to evaluate so can only share my reactions; make of them what you will.

There is a bit of a disconnect for me between the rather whimsical title and the content, since there is no mention of Mars in the latter.

The first two lines flow well, in perfect iambic, which makes the third line's double trochee a jarring contrast. Comparing ancient emptiness and brilliant is also provides incongruity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
109
109
Review of A Gift of Freedom  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Ken

Flash is tough, especially the 300 word limit.

You have clear, crisp prose. You handle the dialogue well. Interesting theme.

One line struck me as needing work: Anna chuckled. "You haf eine visitor," she said disapprovingly. The chuckle and the disapproval don't go together. I realize that the first is to his comment and the second is to the idea of a visitor, but when they're strung together it seemed odd.

Contest is over, you can edit and expand. Anna chuckled, then frowned....

A little touch of Romany magic; even if the body is still, the mind can soar.

BTW, I hadn't run across that particular contest. I'll have to give it a try.
110
110
Review of Woden Pie  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Merciful heavens, what a treasure! It's a pity that you have given up all hope of publication.

From the mouth-filling polysyllabic style to the precise description of setting and character, from the pivotal protagonist to the sort-of-surprise ending, I found this a gem.

Once can only compliment you on word choice, spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

I did blink once, when you referred to books that were written "before the reach of history".

He was there, as before, seated behind his desk, head buried in various old scrolls piled before him. It was some time before he looked up and noticed me. There seems to be a proliferation of "before" here and elsewhere.

Those minor quibbles aside, I thank you for an enjoyable read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
111
111
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, and welcome to WdC.

This is pretty dark, though it describes the human condition in which many of us exist.

You have written a series of brutal images that ends in a conundrum, a subtle contradiction.

You describe yourself as nothing and nobody, you say you hate everything you see in a mirror, that you choose a mask as cover, yet you assert that under the made-up perfect smile there is a 'real you' . So clearly, you are somebody and there is the conundrum.

Gritty and grabbing. Nice work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
112
112
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nope, you sure don't see that every day!

“Says you, I tell you, that’s a lion. Or tiger, or bear.”

“Oh my!”

Slip in an allusion to Wizard of Oz, will you?

I enjoyed your story and took the liberty of borrowing the name of your news guy for my story (cross-pollination, what?).

I thought this was award-worthy too. Must be tough being a judge!
113
113
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Congratulations on your co-win, Kathie

I enjoyed the humour of this. A four-toothed lion snoozing after a hootch hash is a wonderful image!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
114
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Review of The picnic  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Whoah! The one time we tried making love with the pooch in the room, he got all excited and wanted to join us. Talk about coitus interruptus....

Cute story. If you give kids facts at their level, they usually accept it and move on.

Not sure how othter and i'm escaped the spell-check and your own eagle editorial eye, and I think each others' should be each other's, but I know this was a Writer's Cramp entry so those things are overlooked.

Enjoyable short read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
115
115
Review of Emily  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
I assume you refer to this painting  .

You wrote, Feeling stuck and would appreciate any suggestions on diction, flow, style, etc..

Those things are mostly fine. The rhythm, word use, grammar are good. The style is simple and clear.

There are a couple of things that struck me as a bit off. First, who was in the gallery first, you or the woman? She is not just any woman but a museum employee. Can you make those two things clear? I'm guessing she apologizes because she knows you like the quiet and solitude, but how does she know that? You must have met before (as indicated by the last line)

Second, I felt that the line "The artist is a man" is intrusive. Take it out, and you're left with a a more coherent stanza about Emily and her name.

Now, the third point is that your last line links to the first. It's a strong line and ties things together, but I wish there were more to tie. Your first or second stanza might show that you've met this woman before and enjoy her company (otherwise why would you be going back to see her?). If you could work in a bit more early detail about enjoying the silence, I think that would also add to the strength of the ending.

Now, are there parallels between Emily and the Museum woman? Does one remind you of the other? If you could insert some subtle link between the two, you will move this poem to a deeper level. I can see this being published in a literary journal.

Don't fret the rating. I've only issued a few five-stars in ten years!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
116
116
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Common sense is not so common, said Aristotle. Or was it Mark Twain?

I enjoyed the sentiment of this overall. I felt that the third verse carried the most power, as it should (despite the less/fewer skip)

You've an ABABCC rhyme scheme, with irregular rhythm.

The last two lines are an Ogden Nash type couplet that could easily stand on their own. By themselves, they make a catchy aphorism. Those two lines alone are worthy of publication!

You have a couple of half-rhymes  . The first two lines are a classic half-rhyme with only a shared terminal consonant. The final two lines are an assonance, again a half-rhyme. There is no problem with these, especially the last, as they're a commonly used device. Hope I'm not telling you stuff you already know, and if so, my apologies.

Improvements? Me, I prefer full rhymes, so I would like to see the opening lines re-written. On the other hand, I see the balance of having half-rhymes at top and bottom. I also tend to admire regular rhythm, and would encourage you to aim for this, but that's just my taste.

And man, do I admire those last two lines!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
117
117
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I have already done a Grammarly check with this Short Story. But it doesn’t always catch something that I have done wrong with it. Especially, when it comes to tenses. That’s where you come in.

Hey, great for the Grammarly! You're right, you need help with tense, but since you already know that there's no point in my mentioning it. For help with that, you need either a review course in English, or a proof-reader, or an editor.

What I can do to help is give my impressions and suggest improvements in other areas.

First, from the title I expected a first-person POV  ("my new life"). Instead, I found third-person omnipotent. No problem, just a little disconcerting.

Of greater concern is a character who appears out of nowhere, mid-story. Who the heck is Hanna, and why is she in Tina's room? Also, just what exactly did Jackson do except almost get his face in the way of the door? I read that part three times and can't figure it out.

Your best area for improvement is your dialog. Characters are revealed through what they say, what they do, and what others say about them. That is, through mannerisms, descriptions, opinions, actions, emotions, and speech. It's my impression that you overuse dialog. Sometimes a little exposition speeds things up.

You can streamline your dialog if you remember that not every paragraph of direct speech (dialog) needs a tag ("she said" or "he asked"). If only two people are speaking, you can often omit the tags. Also, it's not necessarily to always use the name of the character -- "Jackson asked"..."said Victoria". If it will still be clear who's speaking, use a pronoun -- "he asked", "she exclaimed" --or other words--"said her Mom".

Do all your characters sound the same? Think about who they are. They should sound a bit different -- different expressions, words, idioms. This is called giving each character a distinct voice. Working on that a bit will boost your dialog.

You have a simple and straightforward style, quite appropriate for this straightforward and engaging story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
118
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Review of The Writer Within  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.5)
A perceptive and well-structured essay. You can write -- at least, with this piece as evidence, you can write clear non-fiction. Fiction and poetry are different beasts.

"If I don't like it, I won't review it"...and this, given that management makes it clear we need to be kind, makes a lot of sense. I think that this is entirely too true, and I confess to have been occasionally guilty. I find a piece of crap and think, "OMG, how can I possibly help this writer to improve?" We are in agreement about reviews.

 
STATIC
Gush Me No Gushes  (E)
Rant: Totally positive reviews don't help a writer grow.
#1823214 by Graywriter


You are also correct IMO that some writers, especially beginners, poorly distinguish their product from themselves, and take criticism of the former as an attack on the latter. Thin-skinned individuals will have difficulty with accurate reviews. But why feed them pablum? They have to be weaned, and it is our responsibility to do it relatively gently. :(
119
119
Review of Flying Fairies  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a sweet story! Now I feel like kind of a smart-ass for mine! I'm a good writer technically, but I do struggle to write fiction with emotion and depth. An astute reviewer once commented that a story of mine "reads like non-fiction".

Would you mind a grammar suggestion? As written, "Once there, the butterfly house..." means "Once the butterfly house was there" while you intended "Once we were there, the butterfly house..." Chances are it was crowded before you got there. Does that phrase "once there" really add anything? Try taking it out and see how the sentence reads.

I enjoy chatting with you.

Stay cool
Tom


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
120
120
Review of Rhyghts Chp.1  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Re-review as promised.

Solid changes here! Gone are the excessive sensory details and silly dialog. You've even written out dad and the pancakes (no loss, really) and written in a darker, more serious plot.

First, a couple of particular things that stabbed at me.

1. What is "a grizzly voice"? Please look up the word grizzly Did you mean grisly? Look that one up too. Neither is a word commonly used to describe a voice.

2. You wrote, "a sharply dressed man waves me down. His shoes click as he walks toward me. The man embraces me with a hug, his cologne bringing back a sense of nostalgia." Why the circumlocution? This is your father. "My dad waves me down. He's a sharply dressed man whose shoes click (huh? why?) as he strides towards me. He embraces...."

3. "Mrs. Johnson waves at us through her window as we pass. I really have to clear up that misunderstanding properly." Uh, what? Is this something from a previous version?

4. It's unusual for such a determined introvert to volunteer for hospital duty. This seemed particularly out of character. I can see his helping his dad at the museum, out of public view.

Next, some overall reactions. I skimmed most of the story, because somehow it got a bit heavy and slow part way in. I couldn't quite believe the gun scene, but then I'm Canadian and pickpockets here aren't usually armed. Maybe that's normal in the US. I started reading again with Amy in hospital and felt the story moved well from there. But I really didn't understand the ending, even after three readings. I kind of guess that he passes out from shock???

Now, things I liked. The characters seem more mature, more age-appropriate than in the previous version. The relationship between Theo and the Debonaire family is better developed, and I enjoyed Amy's flirting with Theo. Their roles in the grad are far clearer. The plot is more interesting. Lots of good stuff!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
121
121
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Congratulations on your book! A sparse and telegraphic style suitable for a thriller, somewhat reminiscent of Lee Child's early Reacher books.

My mum was from Yorkshire--not all that far from Fallowfield!--and I too remember the smell of coal fires, and lunching in a pub with low ceilings and open beams. Fortunately, during my walks on the canal paths, nobody followed me....

One thing struck me: Why did she need to cover the cigarette brand? Would anyone in the pub care that she was smoking American cigarettes? Was this perhaps explained elsewhere?

Ah, well, perhaps I would need to read the book for the answer.
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Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am reminded of an old sci-fi story where approaching aliens were greeted with a blast of artillery and nukes. The justification was that they had come to Earth uninvited and "They didn't knock".

Anyway, your story here is done in a fairly crisp, sparse style which seems suitable for the topic.

At the beginning, I was wondering who the other character was. 1st Lieut Mike and who? “Let's figure it out when we have more information, Mike,” replied Commander Bill Johnston. You do introduce him a few paragraphs later, but it helps your readers if they know quickly who is who.

In the discussions with the aliens, IMO he should refer to himself more formally as "Commander William Johnston". Throughout, the "Bill" and "Mike" struck me as too informal for a military structure.

When you wrote, "outer edge of the planetary system" it made me think they were not on or near Earth. If you say "outer edge of the solar system" that wouldn't happen.

There are a few places where your use of verb tense is inconsistent. You switch from past -- quipped, said, muttered -- to present -- debate rages, a decision is made. Actually, I'd like to see this part expanded a bit. Maybe quote the actual orders to "Stand by and keep it in sight" (or "Stand by and observe. Take no precipitate action." Build it up a little.

PLOT HOLES

The main question in my mind, since dealing with covid-19: WHY DID EARTH NOT INSIST ON A QUARANTINE? You guys will kindly stay out there in space until we can check you out! Of course, the aliens can refuse, or not reply, and keep coming. This is obvious provocation for a hostile response from Earth.

The second question is where Bill says “I think if it's a fight they want, Mike, we are in a lot of trouble.” WHY? Humanity is a warlike species and we wouldn't go down without a fight. Your ending --" there was nothing they could do to stop it" makes your point, but struck me as weak and unsatisfactory. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY. If this were the last line after a desperate battle, after throwing everything they have at it, then it would be warranted. They tried, but "there was nothing they could do to stop it."

So, a good premise and a good story that warrants further plot development. A stronger plot would also lead to a stronger ending.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
123
123
Review by Graywriter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! Thoroughly professional job, catchy surprise ending!
124
124
Review of Once Upon A Time  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Kathy

I enjoyed your poem and wish you luck in the contest. BTW, your rhymes were so natural that I didn't notice the aabb rhyme scheme (mostly) until the almost the end.

One warning - you wrote “A Whiter Shade of Pale” with capitals, and it is shown lower case in the prompt. I got caught in a previous Cramp for having changed a prompt. It was
Higher Ground  (18+)
The moral high ground might not be the best place to stand in an emergency.
#2254690 by Graywriter
and reviewer Winchester Jones said, "Cut and paste, my friend, cut and paste!"

Depends on how finicky the judge is, maybe?

Best,
Tom
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Review of Amazing  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I just did a review for your Rhyghts, and there was enough there I liked to check your other work.

This one is far better! More sparing in detail, with better flow. This one I read to the end and enjoyed.

It's not without its minor flaws, and I suggest that you proofread it carefully, or give it to someone to check over. There are extra words, missing words, a couple of places that need some clarification -- but I will leave those for you to find and correct. The writing process generally consists of WEP: Write, Edit, Polish. This one is just needs a little Polish.

Have you ever entered The Writer's Cramp? I suggest you give it a try.
FORUM
The Writer's Cramp  (13+)
Write the best story or poem in 24 hours or less and win 10K GPs!
#333655 by Sophy
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