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278 Public Reviews Given
286 Total Reviews Given
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126
126
Review of Rhyghts Chp.1  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi, there

You asked for a review, so I'll share first impressions, in no particular order. I'm going to be hard on you, because of my own philosophy on reviews.
 
STATIC
Gush Me No Gushes  (E)
Rant: Totally positive reviews don't help a writer grow.
#1823214 by Graywriter


1. You seem to be heavily focused on sensory details, and this appears to be one of your strengths. The purpose of such details is to invite the reader into the scene, to help them experience it with the character. However, it seems you were responding to a prompt or writing exercise to "use sensory descriptions" and the result, for me, is excessive. I got bogged down in the details. Geez, you're just eating pancakes and drinking OJ.

2. The hook is okay, if a bit overdone. For me, it would be more effective if after the first rings, you went right to I hear a voice echo from downstairs. “Theo! Are you ready yet,< comma son? You do not want to be late on your big day!” Why? Because it sets up some expectation. What big day?

3. BRING! BRING! In the middle of a deep slumber an obnoxious noise rings. After "BRING", you don't need to tell me that something rings. The first two BRINGs do that already. Also, as written it means that the noise is in the middle of the deep slumber. A more straight-forward phrasing might be more effective: An obnoxious noise interrupted my deep slumber.

4. The sounds cease after rapidly swiping my phone screen. The way this is written, it is the sounds that swiped the phone screen (same issue as above). Try "The sounds cease after I rapidly swipe my phone screen" or "A rapid swipe of my phone screen stills the noise."

5. Half awake, I stumble into the bathroom. Cold water hits my face The first sentence is great, active voice, descriptive verb, clear and concise. BUT you walk into the bathroom and cold water hits your face? What the hell kind of bathroom do you have, there? Do you have a plumbing problem? Did you really write what you meant? Did you mean "...into the bathroom. At the sink, I splash cold water on my face..."?

6. I open my drawer and begin the next phase of the morning routine with a toothbrush in hand. What, you're conducting an orchestra? Is it vital to state that you open a drawer? Why not just say, "I smear paste on my toothbrush, and the refreshing zing of mint snaps me into focus." Reader won't care where you got the stuff.

7. Taps have a 'knob'. Knob vs nob. Fazed vs phased. It's vs its. Homonyms are problematic for a lot of writers, and spell check is no help. Maybe try grammarly.com.

8. After hopping out an abrasive touch from a towel This needs a comma after out, for starters. But again, it's kind of like the towel is doing the hopping.

9. I did note that generally, your spelling and punctuation are good, with a few minor slips. That's a great skill to have!

10. Oddly enough, after you get into the dialogue, your writing settles down and is less florid. After Amy grabs the microphone, you have several excellent paragraphs, smooth and flowing, that constitutes Amy's speech. This is a marvelous contribution to Amy's character.

11. I wish my breakfast didn’t always consist of Pop-tarts or cereal but its just the way it has to be. WTF, it DOESN'T always consist of those. You just said your dad is making pancakes. Did you mean "usually" rather than "always"? Also review its vs it's, please.

12. “Hey, it is my son’s graduation day. It is the least I could do.” he replies while flipping a pancake. Aha, good, finally I learn what day it is. And I like the precise way professor dad speaks, without contractions. Nice touch! Unfortunately, Dad doesn't keep this up. And while I'm here, he says as a plate of pancakes slides my way -- you have magic sliding plates? Did you mean "he says, as he slides a plate of pancakes my way"? I guess what you wrote is technically okay, so I'm being picky.

13. I confess, I didn't read the entire piece, having become bogged down by all the (to me unnecessary) details. Sorry, this just didn't sustain my interest. I've tried to share some of the reasons why, and I hope that will help you. I'd be quite willing to review this again when it's rewritten and tightened up.

There, a baker's dozen. Use them as you will.
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127
Review of GRIN & BEAR IT  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
My apologies - I tracked this down to an entry in a contest, July 24 - Tell an old joke day. As I said, an old joke well retold.
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128
Review of GRIN & BEAR IT  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
An old joke, well retold.
https://www.beliefnet.com/entertainment/jokes/mult...
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129
Review of Cereals  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (2.0)
While this is a nice idea and a clever philosophy, the prompt for The Writer's Cramp was Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes, I need expert advice.
 I'm not sure how this fits the prompt.

Writing to a purpose is a skill that can be practiced. If submission form says, "Romantic magic/fantasy, no more than 1200 words" -- that's what the editor wants, and if you expect to get paid or published, that's what you deliver. On that topic, with that many words, and on deadline.

For fiction, I'm still practicing! I've only had one story published for pay (and three in non-paying markets).

Keep writing!
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130
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
I don't have time for a detailed review, so I'll just deal with your opening paragraph. This paragraph, called the "hook", has to grab your reader. Frankly, this doesn't do it for me. Where's the grab? Where's the excitement? You start out with an error in grammar and go on to some drab exposition. I advise you to review the advice, "Show, not tell"

At the top of a hill rests three men. Three men rest, not three men rests. And resting at the top of a hill made me think they were dead. It is 1870, a few years after the Civil War, Okay, lets the reader know setting in time and these men are on the outskirts of a small town in what is reminiscent of the Arizona Territories. What the heck -- what is reminiscent of--are they in the Arizona Territory (and it's Territory, not Territories) or aren't they? And if they're on the outskirts of a town, why don't they just ride into town to eat? They are wearing the traditional garb of cowpunchers, or cowboys.This reads like a line in a screenplay. This makes me wonder if this paragraph is a preamble However, unlike most stories that people read, this one is about what makes the difference between a man, and a monster. Aw, what a spoiler. Don't tell us -- show us in your story! Get rid of this line even if this is a preamble.

NOTE: if this is not your lead but a kind of introduction, I suggest you put it in italics so it doesn't appear to be part of your story. And there are other ways to work this information into the story in interesting ways. Your opening line could be, "C'mon, fellers, let's rest a spell on this hill and have a bite," called Jack to his two companions. "We still got twenty miles to git to town." The other riders dismounted beside him as he dug in his saddlebags. "Jay, ain't you gonna eat somethin'? It wasn't easy to get this buffalo meat from them Injins."


Now, your premise -- which based on a quick skim seems to be three monsters punching cattle in the American west in the late 1800s -- has some appeal.

But you've got to use that first paragraph to make me want to read the rest.
131
131
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (5.0)
A cute story that brought a smile. Congratulations on your co-win!
132
132
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a fun read.
You've followed the double dactyl format exactly
* humorous/nonsensical/absurd in theme
* two quatrains
* three double dactyls to start each verse
* final line in each verse is a dactyl-spondee
* final lines of the quatrains rhyme

A dactyl, as I recall, is a long-short-short, or stressed-light-light. I can't figure how to mark the scansion in this little window, and can only point out that I think the first verse has one syllable too many and that it scans well if you remove "the" at the end of the second line. This puts the second unstressed syllable on "Vic" and the next dactyl starts on "tor". IMO it sounds better because it follows the natural stress of the word VicTORian. I can't recall if the format disallows having a dactyl split between two lines, though.

The second verse is correctly formatted, though to my ears it sounds a bit strange because the accents for the dactyls do not fall on the natural accents of the words in normal pronunciation. Thus,the stress falls on IN-stall-ments rather than in-STALL-ments. Likewise, SO good that THE pub-lic has the normally unstressed "the" taking the weight.

But perhaps I'm quibbling. Overall, a good job.
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133
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (2.0)
I have a hard time deciding if this is intended to be prose (as it says in the category list) or free verse. Either way, I found it disjointed and hard to follow, though I did sort it out on the third reading.

There are some interesting images and word choices, such as "Frail bodies fell at the first wave" and "World shivers with growing coldness", and the image of the novel coronavirus as a dragon is catchy.

At a guess, English is not your first language. Many sentences are incomplete or run together, and some times it appears the words are just strung together. Knowing how hard it is for me to write in my second language (French), I congratulate you on a valiant effort!
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134
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.0)
Wound up here after checking out some of your poetry (sorry, not my cup of tea!)

I did read thru this, and felt that the characters and plot were sound. The title caught my attention, and the ending was satisfactory.

One thing I do urge you to do is to be more meager with your words. One author, I forget who, says that the trick to good writing is to take out everything the reader doesn't need to hear.

For example:

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up at a man in royal robes. “We all share your grief. We warned him of going on that search in the Cold Lands,” he said.

Why not just say here that it's her father? "royal robes" is not particularly descriptive nor is it necessary. Just say "at her father" and you get the characters in quickly

“Father, do you think he will return?”

Griselda’s father, King Nephaal, shook his head. “The time will come when you must let go.”

We already KNOW he's her father, because she just addressed him as that. You don't need to tell us again. If you've introduced him in the line before, it's quite natural for her to address him as father.

Look through your story and see if you can find other places were you could tie details together more concisely. "Writing tight" will help your story move more quickly.

Best
135
135
Review of Failing Love  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I prefer structured verse, and I particularly enjoy it when the meter is reasonably regular without seeming forced, as you have done here. Ok, there are a couple of spots where the iambic tetrameter is a bit off--the most notable being the break into dactylic in "(like) threads' in a tap'estry we' call mankind'";--but that's just being picky because it sounds fine when read aloud (which is my standard metric).

More importantly, the lines flow and the rhymes fall naturally into place. The roughly eight syllable lines and ababb rhyme scheme is almost a quintilla (technically, I believe, that doesn't end with a couplet).

Structure aside, I am impressed by the content. The opening line is powerful, and that power follows throughout. I particularly note the image "each life intertwined/like threads in a tapestry we call mankind." The message is clear and reminds me of a quote attributed to Burke: The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Not sure if you're into being published, but IMO this is worth submitting.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Reruns  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Simple but touching story with just enough plot to hang it together. Fluid, style makes for easy reading.
Compound objects are problematic for many writers. Way to check is to take out each part. Pictures of George and I? Pictures of George--ok. Pictures of I--well, no. Pictures of me? Right! So--pictures of George and me.
Ptobem is, so many people do it wrong that if you actually do it right, they'll complain... :(
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137
Review of Leap Year  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
This gave me a smile because I have a leap year grandson. He's two.
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138
Review of Double Wide  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
AAAH! Love it!

As a reviewer, I haven't much to say -- the scansion is a bit irregular (like the relationship!) but in a fun piece like this, who cares?

Did you know that there are some 250,000 or more consanguinous relationships (second cousins, first cousins, nephews, nieces)in the US alone?
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Review of Abnormalities  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.5)
LOL The review will be longer than the item!
I like both the sentiment and its succinctness. Sometimes it is possible to say more with less.
The half-rhyme and loose meter in verse two were not distractions, being sort of a slow-down conclusion.
However, I did wonder if you'd consider keeping the personal "I/you" into the second verse:
Expand my own boundaries
Learn your abnormalities

IMO parallel constructions like this can strengthen a theme.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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140
Review of Treats  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for a chuckle! I recognized the parody before I noticed the subtitle, which means you caught the flavor of the original.

Did you miss a word in this verse?
A treat [on] whose bosom sauce has lain;
and comes in flavors rare to plain.
It scans well as is, but doesn't quite look right to me.

Anyway IMO your first and last verses are the strongest, right where strength needs to be for hook and anchor.
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Review of Streets  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the structure, with the third verse providing both a visual and rhythmic break, and noticed that if the last two verses are exchanged, the line pattern would be 6-4-4-4-6 rather than 6-4-4-6-4. This change would be important for us OCD readers. 8D

There are some dark images that I like ("Drowning silence with amps and beats") and some that I think might be improved ("Ride the streets like blood in my veins" for example might be more meaningful if the riders on the streets were like blood in the city's veins).

Because my favorite is that middle verse, I'd suggest that you play with it. Try making it radically different and instead of aabb rhyme scheme try aaaa or aaab just to play with it.

One issue with metered poetry is that when lines don't scan well, they really stand out. You might try reading this aloud to see where the rhythm holds well and where it breaks down, then smoothing out the rough parts.
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142
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hard to review this without my own prejudices getting in the way, but I'll do my best to stick to the writing.

Well and tightly argued, though IMO one-sided and largely one-track.

By one-track, I mean that theology is not the only factor at play; you might look at historical, sociological and biological factors as well to strengthen your arguments.

By one-sided, I mean that you don't recognize opposition arguments. You might take a "straw man" approach, setting up arguments from the opposite position and countering them. From a reproductive standpoint, for example, same-sex unions are a biological dead end. Studies showing increased homosexuality among male rats in stressed/crowded populations argue against the "naturalness" of same-sex relationships. Homosexual promiscuity spreads disease (you sort of touch on this without recognizing its force as a counter-argument).

It's ironic that you write, "No group should be allowed to hijack the political process for the purpose of enforcing their peculiar moral agenda." The irony is that the same-sex movement does this constantly. It hijacks the political process, forces itself onto the public consciousness and conscience, and as a minority has sought (with great success) to enforce legislation on the majority. As some wag wrote, "It used to be the unspeakable sin but now you can't shut the buggers up".
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143
Review of Heaven and Hell  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
In this case, I prefer the first version of this parable. Somewhat. But I'm a bit confused: even the first version contains rhymes and half-rhymes of various sorts and is roughly iambic tetrameter for the most part.

Please allow me to borrow your Meaning/Mechanics analysis.

The meaning is clear, the images potent, the mood almost puckish. A poetic paraphrase. No point asking "Is it here? Is it there?" For the kingdom of God is in our midst. Luke something or other, or maybe Matthew. Too lazy to look it up. I like your version because it's concise and colorful and illustrates the parable clearly with a "swords and sorcery" kind of flavor.

Now, mechanics. I'm thinking that even the deepest meaning can bog down in bad mechanics. Wouldn't you agree?

In discussing any free verse, I'm going to trip over my own prejudices. Even free verse, methinks, in the absence of meter and rhyme, should nonetheless have cadence, rhythm, form, and structure; these things derive from the careful use of words, images, and sounds. For example, I think back to free verse that I remember and like. Whitman's "Song of Myself" uses repetition and parallel structure. t s eliot's "Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock" also uses repetition and parallel phrasing. Remember the part about the yellow fog/smoke that rubs against the windowpanes? The repetition of the ladies discussing Michelangelo? The repeated "Do I dare...?"

I like to read poetry aloud because it adds dimensions of sound and kinesthesia. I generally find that good poetry (= "Poetry that I like") reads well. The wonderful sibilance of Whitman's "I lean and loaf at my ease observing a spear of summer grass." That's just wonderful to read aloud. Prufrock, read aloud, fills the mouth, trickles off the tongue, dances from the lips. (Even metered verse should read well. "She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies....")

Now, read your verse aloud. I found myself stalling or bumping in several spots, in either version, when I read it. What do you think? In some instances, jerkiness, hesitations, harshness may be the desired effect, deliberately interrupting a rhythmic flow (in Prufrock: "Do I dare / disturb the universe?") I'm not sure you're deliberately creating that effect, though; I think it's an unintended result. If you are aiming for that, you've succeeded and I'm terribly off the mark!
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Review of Scent A Meter  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Loved it! Laughed out loud. Satirizing iambic by writing in iambic pentameter is clever.

Didn't know that Norwegians speak in iambic. I remember a Finnish girl who always seemed to be speaking in trochee, two-syllable words with the accent on the first syllable. Huu'-vah pie'-vah!) I think "Dan Sturn" is a spondee, though.

Overall, this reminds me a bit of Ogden Nash's tongue-in-cheek mangling of poetic forms.
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Review of Trick or Tweet  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Well, the first part was interesting and got me into the story. After that it was even exciting. But your climax came far too soon. I started skimming in chapter 7 and quit reading early in chapter 8. After they all survived The Attack, I lost interest. And you dragged it on for another 16 years, if my math is right from what I see in the paragraph just above the review box. Like Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein" (and for much the same reason, excessive moralizing), IMO, this is a good short story dragged out into a bad long story.
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Review of The Wash  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I enjoyed this thoroughly for its mood. First "five" rating I've ever given (not for perfection, for I think it could benefit from a bit of tightening, but for overall impact).

An unusual presentation, but the piecemeal revelation of the story gives a flavor far different from that of straight narration. It doesn't matter that we never know exactly what occurred, or precisely who the current narrator ("child") is. We feel Kareth's confusion, bitterness, and anger. We see the results of his emotions and actions in the wonder, admiration, and fear of the commentators. Throughout, more is hinted at than is revealed. The ending is one of heaviness: great bitterness, and greater sorrow.
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Review of Subconscious Love  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like it: it speaks to me in images I can grasp: man-talk.

It scans well, an unusual metric pattern with the first line iambic tetrameter followed by three lines of iambic dimeter.

There is nice parallelism in the second two verses, where the last line is "In sleep da-dum"; it would be interesting to see if you can rewrite the first verse to follow that pattern. Also, where stanzas 2 and 3 follow the aabb rhyme scheme, stanza 1 does not. "...and seeks/ The warmth of thigh./ Pressed near, you sigh." Nah.

I also like the contrast in the last verse, "Awake...in sleep". This is something that might be extended to the entire poem. Consider moving the last verse to first position, so the poem starts with "Awake.... " and states the issue, then ends with the last line "In sleep, so free." which states the resolution.

So you have a solid, meaningful poem that has potential to be developed to higher literary standards if you wish.
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Review of Nursery Rhyme  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Stella, that little one-line description is your second chance to promote your work to prospective readers (the first is the title). If you are writing for paid publication, the description is your second chance to entice an editor into picking your piece out of the slush pile.

As for your poem here, it was okay. For me, the best verse was:
Every hazy dance, in honey flow
The shapes swim forth behind
F[r]om smoke and smurling, magic slow
Half evil-rise to blind engagement- sight- all full, half kind

Though the punctuation of the last line leaves me confused about its meaning, that verse was just gorgeous to read aloud.
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149
Review of MAJESTY'S SPAWN  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, I do prefer "Majesty's Spawn" to "Majesty's Offspring" as a title. I see that this segment was posted 06-05-11, which is either May 6 or June 5 and I yearn for the day when the US adopts international dating standards (2011-05-06 is unequivocal). The ebook version of "Offspring" is dated August but from the blurb it seems to be a prequel to the Chin stories. Confusing.

Anyway. We have an opening setup, the point of which is not clear but shows the "machine" Chin in operation. Next come four paragraphs of exposition that, while they may provide necessary backstory, rather destroy any impact of the opening may have had. Perhaps there's another way.... like putting this in the previous chapter...

Speaking of another way, "humanistic kernel" really starts to grate after the third or fourth time. Maybe abbreviate it to HK or find a way to rephrase or rename it, so that as Chin's human side develops, he uses a less robotic self-descriptor.

BTW, thanks for "dumbing down" (your words on your website) the science; although I'm a sci-fi fan, I really appreciate a writer who doesn't waste six hundred words describing the technical aspects of some imaginary weapon, vehicle, or robot. What you have is enough to flavor the story.

Good grammar, except for the odd slip such as "at both he and Michelle" (compound object of the preposition - "at he and at Michelle"?) or a comma in "Let's go you dork". Clearly minor slips.

I do note and appreciate the shift in Chin's perspective from machine to human during the episode which shows the development of the character. Should be a good read when it's done.
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Review of MAJESTY'S SPAWN  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting opening that leaves lots of unanswered questions to draw the reader in. Chin is an engaging character and the exposition is not "techy" to the point of distraction (an issue I see in many new sci-fi writers).

One thing I do appreciate in this is that the segments show good spelling and generally good grammar (this episode contains a sentence fragment: "...patterns. Allowing him to become a part of human society and remain undetected for as long as necessary.")

I liked this episode more than the other one (2.0). The MC shows a kind of naive innocence appropriate to the story line. The second episode seemed to start "in media res" and really requires a bit of backstory to be comprehensible. That's always a problem when reviewing a chapter from the middle of an existing work.

Anyway, if the rest of it continues from here, it will be quite readable and enjoyable.
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