Not sure what I'm reviewing here; I guess it's the concept and the book blurb. Okay, title is good, that's what brought me here. First line -- Ick. Take it out and re-read the blurb. You lose absolutely nothing. Everything in that first line is repeated -- and in a better form -- in the second and third paragraphs.
All right, dammit, where's the rest? This is not a standalone, and I want to know what comes next.
You've got an interesting and believable MC, you've roughed in a setting that hints at a semi-apocalyptic world, you've set up a conflict -- all with what serves mainly as backstory for whatever comes next.
Okay, so there are some bumps. If "they" could track him down, they'd probably know his name, and it might be a little scarier for the MC. And just who got shot with the silenced gun?
This has enough of a hook to want me to keep reading! Word choice is good. Except for paragraph three, where the ending fragment gives some punch, the sentences might benefit from some crafting. Second paragraph, for example, is one long sentence. Nothing wrong with that, just pointing it out. First paragraph might be a little more emphatic if it opened with a short sentence. "It was supposed to be easy. A quick pick-up, drop..." That's partly a matter of style and personal taste, but it probably wouldn't hurt to experiment with different ways to write your lead. Anyway, bring on the next part.
The rhyme scheme wasn't forced, the piece scans well, and I read it aloud to my own great enjoyment.
I do love it when an author uses a word I don't know; not being much involved with the horror genre, I had to look up "lamias" and "litches" so that was a double treat.
It's a little late for anything but online markets, but please submit this for publication!
Nice to see chapter 2, though I still wonder where this is heading and how it relates to that dynamic opening scene.
Okay, the dialogue's fine, despite a couple of technical slips. It's enough to hold my interest. We've got a little tension between Scott and Kat, revealed in the dialog. We've got Kat showing some different facets, revealed both in what she says and what she does. There's some inconsistency, which is okay: she's an evolving character. We've a hint that she has "work to do".
There are a couple of slips in tense to fix ("He was happy...something new is happening" and "she wasn't here.... she has work to do") and the usual typos (puzzeled).
Nice retrospective, well-structured (I liked the way you tied the title in at the end). This gave me some smiles of shared reminiscence (lightning bugs, liver-and-onions, playing outdoors). If you haven't submitted this for publication in, say, your local newspaper, please do!
I can't recall how I stumbled onto this. The humor of the opening caught me and I had to leave it for a couple of days before I could read the rest. It was a pleasant surprise worth waiting for. Thank you for a story that held me, gave me some chuckles, and led to a satisfactory conclusion.
I'm a guy, old enough to be the heroine's grandfather, so I'm not the target audience by a long shot....Still..
Humor is tricky, but this worked for me. The witty, self-deprecating heroine was engaging. The wit flashed intermittently throughout, often expressed as interesting social perceptions.
Given the mammary focus of the lead, I was expecting some similar comments later about Rita, Mom, the cheerleaders, and pyramid peak Jen, but perhaps Maggie had grown past the issue? She's got what she's going to get and that's that.
At any rate, I found this well-crafted story an enjoyable read. I expect this will sell and hope the author has begun submitting it to various markets.
The lead has some strong elements that can be made even stronger with a bit of crafting.
The opening dialog is effective, but IMO the exposition that follows lessens its effect.
Instead of "he shouted", you can use the character's name. "Mariko shouted" introduces the main character instantly, and the pronoun that follows serves to identify his sex.
The image of the dagger striking the wall is great--so rewrite to maximize that impact. Strengthen the word use: "rolled past" (not passed; learn the difference) could be "dodged" or "leapt to avoid" or "spun to avoid"; "flew into" (which gave me images of butterfly wings) could be "struck" or "drove into" or "slammed into".
Consider changing the order a bit so that all the dagger parts are together. "He saw a flick of his opponent's arm and rolled to dodge. The hurled dagger slashed the sleeve of his tunic and slammed into the wall..." or maybe "...the hurled dagger flashed by and struck the wall..."
In the second paragraph, I found a number of items confusing, but they'll be easy to fix.
* In an action paragraph, everything has to contribute to the action. Look at that sentence about the patiently humming portal, a tranquil image. Does it really fit and move the action along?
* When I first read "the small child's cries stung her ears", I thought "Huh? What child?"
* All of a sudden there's a tall skinny man (who presumably threw the dagger in paragraph one).
* Somebody (Mariko? The tall dude?) roars an ancient saying, and somebody's sword glows.
Could you get that antagonist in a little sooner? Can you get the child in before the cries? Can you clarify who's roaring?
""GO NOW!" Mariko screamed as the lightning slithered from the sword to his body." (Great stuff. I love that word "slithered", such a wonderfully clear image!)
"He shook violently, grunted in pain, and fell to the floor. Martha stood motionless." (Excellent passage; this shows superb use of short phrases that move the action swiftly.)
Feet glued to floor is a bit trite, so maybe look at why she is motionless. Is she in shock? Is she frozen in terror? Disbelief? Grief? The cry of "Marikoooo!" indicates something of that sort but perhaps you could clarify in a word or two.
What became of the child? Is it of any importance at all? If not, why is it there? If so, perhaps a bit more mention of it would be useful. Either way, it's okay as is, just a hint to tease the reader.
What's the tall skinny dude doing? Did he vanish? Isn't he a threatening figure? If so, might this be a good point to have him raise his sword towards Martha and the child? Again, he's there to tease the reader, but a stronger presence might add a bit to the lead.
I hope that this will encourage you to rewrite your opening segment with the conscious intent of control over words and images. Consider several alternative ways of saying something, then choose the best.
When you're presenting fast action like this, every word counts. You want everything to tie together, to flow smoothly and seamlessly. It may take several rewrites, but that's part of the writer's craft.
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